Chapter 6
Powerful Listening
We all spend a lot of time in school learning how to communicate. We take classes in written communication and many take courses in technical writing, business writing, speech, or debate. We learn how to express ourselves.
But who learns how to listen?
It’s a crucial skill for any manager, especially if you manage by coaching.
Three Levels of Listening
You’ve almost certainly heard of active listening, which requires attentive listening and careful processing of what is heard. This technique can certainly help you build better relationships, but you’ll need to go deeper to create an effective coaching relationship.
You may have also heard of nonviolent communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, which is a process for people to communicate with compassion and clarity. It’s focused around honest self-expression and empathy.
Elements of active listening and nonviolent communication come into play when you’re coaching your employees. Good coaches know that powerful listening helps you hear more than is being said, leaves you open to intuition, and allows you to help the other person connect to a bigger picture. To do this consistently and effectively, you need to know the three levels of listening.
Active listening The act of attentively and consciously listening to another, to hear more than just the words being said. These skills are important for coaching.
Nonviolent communication Centers around honest self-expression, compassion, and empathy between communicators. It leads to greater authenticity and deeper understanding.
Level 1 Listening
Most people live “in their heads” every day. We are constantly thinking about what we are doing, what’s coming up next, getting distracted by things around us. We have an almost nonstop internal dialogue. We are aware of our surroundings and other people in terms of how they affect us.
NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION
To learn more, visit the Web site for the Center for Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org) or read Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, by Marshall Rosenberg (2d ed., Puddledancer Press, 2003).
Thus, in conversation, we practice level 1 listening, also called “head-centered listening.” In this kind of listening, we tend to hear and absorb about a fourth to half of what the other person is saying. We look for ways to respond from our own viewpoint, like a conversational tennis match. Each statement you lob at me, I come back with a similar response, back and forth. There’s some connection here, but it’s superficial.
To use the analogy of a football game, level 1 listening takes place on the field, between players—what is immediately affecting us, right here, right now.
Level 1 listening (head-centered listening) Focused in the world of the listener. The communicators are looking for an “opening” in the conversation to talk about themselves.
At a social party, level 1 listening might go like this.
Dan: So, Sandy, do you have any kids?
Sandy: I have two boys.
Dan: That’s nice! I have a boy and two girls myself.
Sandy: What ages?
Dan: The girls are twins, 11 years old, and my son is just four.
Sandy: My oldest son is 12 and my baby is seven.
Dan: What school do they go to?
Sandy: Fairbanks Elementary. They like the sports program a lot.
Dan: My daughters go to the Ravencroft Academy. My wife and I felt the technology advantage was worth the tuition cost.
Sandy: We do a lot of educational stuff on the weekends—go to museums and the zoo.
Dan: That’s always fun. We like to take it easy after a long week, ourselves!
As you can see from this dialogue, Dan and Sandy seem to be looking for opportunities to talk about themselves and express their own opinions. In fact, Dan seems to be subtly bragging about sending his daughters to a private school, which makes Sandy feel a bit defensive about the public school her kids go to, so she responds with the comment about educational outings. Dan’s rejoinder about relaxing on the weekend might be a subtle dig at Sandy’s choices. Although Dan and Sandy seem to be getting to know each other, the details here are fairly superficial.
Level 1 listening is what you will experience in the workplace a lot—it’s a natural state, our default mode. It takes effort and awareness to move into the next levels of listening, which can lift your interactions into the realms of deeper meaning and more possibilities.
Level 2 Listening
The next stage beyond level 1 listening is level 2 listening, also called “heart-centered listening.” Don’t let the word heart fool you—it’s not necessarily about loving the other person! In level 2 listening, you consciously slide out of your own worldview (move from your head to an open heart) so that you can learn more about the speaker. You ask a lot of questions instead of looking for a conversational opening to interject your own point of view. You “get amnesia” about your own life for a while so that you can really learn about and connect with the other person.
Level 2 listening (heart-centered listening) Focused in the world of the speaker. The listener asks questions to learn more about the other person, without looking for a way to talk about him- or herself.
In level 2 listening, you will use active listening skills as well as some of the principles of nonviolent communication. You focus attentively on the other person. You keep asking questions or inviting more comments. This opens the door for a deeper connection and more relevant information to come out.
To return to the analogy of a football game, level 2 listening takes place in the stands, perhaps about halfway up. The speaker might still be on the field, but the listener is looking to see how that “player” is moving around and how the game is progressing as a whole.
Ever heard the saying, “If you want to be interesting, be interested”? That’s how level 2 listening works. People will find you fascinating if you simply ask them a lot of questions (even if you don’t say a word about yourself). They feel heard, listened to, and valued. You don’t express any judgment or analysis (much less any advice) in this kind of listening (although you may think about it!). You are simply focused on the other person. When was the last time you were listened to like that? Try it with family members or at a party—see how people react to being listened to this way.
Here’s how Dan and Sandy’s conversation might go if Dan was practicing level 2 listening.
Dan: So, Sandy, do you have any kids?
Sandy: I have two boys.
Dan: What ages?
Sandy: My oldest son is 12 and my baby is seven.
Dan: What school do they go to?
Sandy: Fairbanks Elementary. They like the sports program a lot.
Dan: What sports do they play?
Sandy: They really like soccer, and in the summer they do a lot of swimming.
Dan: What do you like to do when they are kicking the ball around?
Sandy: Well, I’m actually an assistant coach on Danny’s team, and we like to play a little family soccer on the weekend, if we’re not going to a museum or the zoo!
In this conversation, Dan has asked follow-up questions, rather than volunteering his own information and viewpoint. He’s learned a lot more about Sandy and her kids. From Sandy’s last statement, he can probably deduce that she likes to be active in her sons’ lives and they like to do things together as a family. Her values start to show up in the conversation, and she probably feels a deeper connection to Dan because she has shared some of the things that are important to her.
QUESTIONING AND LISTENING
We talked about asking questions with genuine curiosity in Chapter 5. Pair this with level 2 listening and you have an extremely effective tool for tapping into the potential of your employees. Ask the question, then turn on your level 2 listening, and see what your team members come up with. This kind of listening demonstrates how much you value their input, increasing their engagement.
Level 3 Listening
An even higher level of communication is known as level 3 listening, or “coach position.” This level of listening not only focuses on the world of the speaker, it also connects with the bigger picture of the world (or business)—you’re listening globally. When coaching as a manager, you can use level 3 listening to first connect with your employee’s thoughts and opinions, elicit their creativity, and then connect their thoughts with the department’s, company’s, and industry’s larger goals or purpose.
This kind of bigger thinking (or “listening with bigger ears” as it’s sometimes called) not only offers all the respect and value that comes with level 2 listening, it then encourages the speaker to think even bigger, connecting his or her viewpoint and thoughts to a broader vision. There is no judgment, analysis, or advice in pure level 3 listening, and the coach is unattached to the outcome. In coach position, you step into the person’s model of the world, stay centered on him or her, yet have the capacity to bring in more viewpoints as appropriate.
Level 3 listening (coach position) Focused on the speaker as connected to a bigger picture. This kind of listening helps the speaker feel valued and connects his or her communication to a larger picture.
To return to the football game analogy one more time, level 3 listening takes place in the skybox, where the listener can see the whole game and the stands. From this height, you can invite the “player” up to the skybox with you to get an overview. (You can go further, all the way up to the “blimp view” sometimes!)
A good coach holds a very clean coach position, which allows the client to begin in her own world, tap her potential, and then shift higher to think how her actions might make bigger ripples in her own life and the world at large.
LEVELS 2 AND 3 LISTENING
You may find it difficult to leap straight from being a manager into level 3 listening. Move into level 2 first, so you can be truly present and focused and create rapport. As the coaching conversation moves toward solutions, bring in level 3 listening, where you can help the employee see the ripple effects of his actions.
A visual that might help you step into the coach position is that of climbing a snowy mountain peak. At the top, you see a lot more of the world, and your own issues become insignificant in the majesty of the scenery surrounding you. Your employee may still be climbing the mountain, and your job is to reach a hand down and lift him so he can join you at the top.
Let’s return to Dan and Sandy’s conversation. Dan began in level 2 listening before, and found out that Sandy likes to coach her son’s soccer team and have educational outings with her family on the weekend. Now he moves into a level 3 approach, asking questions that help him find out more about her values and life.
Dan: Wow, sports, museums, and zoos! Sounds like you are really busy!
Sandy: I am, but I love it. I work flex time as a paralegal so I can have the time to spend with my family. They are my main priority, but I like the work I do, too. I’m glad I didn’t have to give it up entirely.
Dan: (grinning) Do you ever get a vacation?
Sandy: Oh sure! We go camping a lot in the spring and take a big trip in the fall. We’re an adventurous bunch, and we like to see the world!
Dan: What was your favorite trip so far?
Sandy: (laughs) It seems silly to say, but I just loved going to Disney World! I hadn’t been since I was young, and it was just wonderful to see the boys’ faces light up. Plus, it brought back some great memories of my family going together and me fighting with my sister over the e-tickets.
Dan: If you could go anywhere on vacation, where would you go?
Sandy: There’s so much I want to see that it’s hard to choose! If money and time were no object, I think I’d love to go on a long tour of Japan. I’ve always been fascinated with the culture and their history.
Dan has learned a lot more about Sandy in this exchange! He can tell that she likes her work, but her family is her top priority. She likes to camp and travel, so she clearly values adventurous experiences (she even says so quite clearly). He might also infer that she likes to learn new things, as she mentioned being fascinated with a foreign culture and wanting to really experience it. From this conversation, Dan gets a much bigger view of Sandy’s values and life goals.
In a business setting, your coaching conversations will be a lot more focused on a particular topic. (See Chapter 7 for clear directions on solution-focused coaching.) You can bring in level 3 listening by asking the following kinds of questions in a session.
What results might that plan have?
How might the department (company, industry) be affected?
What might change around you when this is implemented?
If you accomplish this, what are the effects on your career?
How does this plan (or anticipated results) factor into your goals for the year?
Now that you have a strong overview of the levels of listening and how they help you be a better coach, let’s delve into some other aspects of listening.
Seven Keys to Effective Listening
Let’s explore seven basic techniques to help you be a better listener.
1. Be prepared. A good news reporter does background research before interviewing a source. Reporters need basic information to be able to ask the right questions and understand the answers.
The same goes for a workplace coach. You wouldn’t go into a meeting without an agenda, and meetings run best and most efficiently when people are prepared.
Look over the personnel file, scan the quarterly report, brush up on key terms you don’t use every day, review any relevant e-mails or notes you have about the issue at hand. Anticipate responses and follow-up questions. As little as two or three minutes of preparation can make the difference between a useful coaching session and a mutual waste of time. Use the time to become focused and centered, so you can easily step into level 2 and then level 3 listening.
2. Drop everything. The biggest compliment you can pay another human being is giving your full, undivided attention. Effective listening requires nothing less.
For example, don’t shuffle through a stack of papers, don’t examine the pattern of holes in the ceiling panels or the scene out the window, and most important, don’t keep working.
Time management systems teach us how to do two, three, even four things at once. That’s great—when you’re dealing with tasks.
For interacting with people, you should concentrate on doing one thing at a time—and doing it well. Any second activity is a distraction that risks undermining your communication—and it’s likely to bother or even offend the other person. Your computer won’t care if you’re reading mail and checking your phone messages while running a program. But people are different. So when you listen, just listen.
DO NOT DISTURB
One wise manager had a very effective habit. As soon as somebody entered her office, she would immediately reach over and press the “Do Not Disturb” button on her phone.
That move had two important effects. It kept the phone from ringing, of course. But it was also a clear sign of respect, offering quiet assurance that the visitor was important.
Two specific interruptions (phone calls and clock watching) are so intrusive that they deserve further discussion.
One of the most irritating dramas in modern daily life begins when the phone rings. When you leap to answer it, you abandon the person who took the trouble to meet with you face to face. You’re telling that person that somebody else is more important than he or she is.
Transfer your calls so the phone doesn’t even chirp. Or let your voice mail work its magic. Silence your cell phone so you aren’t alerted to every call, text message, e-mail, or voice mail.
As with the telephone, so, too, with the clock watching.
We’re not suggesting you lose track of time. A clearly defined time limit is one of the hallmarks of an effective coaching session. Just stop looking at your watch or the clock when you’re supposed to be listening.
If you don’t think you look at that watch a lot, take it off for a day, and see how many times you catch yourself glancing at your wrist. You’ll discover how watch-dependent you really are. You’ll also discover that in our society, it’s just about impossible not to know what time it is, even without a watch. Time reminders are everywhere.
AN UNOBTRUSIVE TIMER
Most businesspeople carry smart phones these days. Almost all smart phones have some sort of alarm, timer, or countdown application. To respect any time limit you have on meeting with someone, set your alarm beforehand to alert you when, say, five minutes are left. Let the person know that you are setting the alarm only so that you can both respect each other’s time. Choose an alarm sound that’s soothing and calming, rather than loud and abrupt. A chime such as harp strings or running water will be a gentle alert to wrap things up.
Here are just three ways to keep track of time:
Sit where you can see a wall or desk clock without having to turn your head. (It’s a plus if you can check the time without shifting your eyes.)
Set your computer or cell phone to cue you five minutes before you need to wrap up (see sidebar tip above on An Unobtrusive Timer).
If you have to look at a watch, do it while you’re talking, not when you’re listening. (That way you also might become more aware of how much you’re talking, and you may listen more.)
3. Maintain eye contact. If you’re not peeking at your watch or staring out the window, what are you looking at?
Try looking at the person you’re talking with. Direct eye contact establishes a powerful connection and demonstrates your focus.
Lack of eye contact is one of the reasons phone conversations are more likely to create misunderstandings—even though you have tone of voice, inflection, and immediate feedback to help you. People reveal much about their feelings and comprehension through their eyes.
If you find it difficult to look someone in the eye, you probably aren’t used to doing it. Take a deep breath and take a peek. Or focus on the bridge of the person’s nose, between the eyes.
DON’T LEAD THE WITNESS
We’re all human. We can’t always control the impulse to “help out” in a conversation. When you’re tempted to grab the words off somebody’s tongue or finish their sentence for them, borrow a technique from lawyers: Redirect the conversation.
In court, a leading question often brings an objection from the opposing attorney. In the office, you want to be careful not to lead unnecessarily or ineffectively (see Chapter 5 for more powerful questions). But a skillfully worded and well-timed probe can save you a lot of time and frustration.
As always, tone of voice can be crucial. “Where are we going with this?” can be a gentle prod or an insulting putdown, depending on your tone—and the employee. The best probes are specific, drawing on what your employee has just said:
“Getting back to that point you made about off-site supervision …”
“What exactly was the problem with yesterday’s output?”
But don’t stare. It isn’t natural to maintain eye contact for more than a few seconds. Glance away and come back. Reestablish eye contact when you want to stress what you’re saying or show you’re particularly attentive to what you’re hearing. Be aware of your facial expression, too. A hard stare with a firm, tight mouth and frown might indicate disapproval. An open expression, lifted eyebrows, relaxed face, eye contact, and maybe even a tiny smile indicates your openness to the conversation and invites the person to communicate.
4. Hear it all before you respond. “I know what you’re going to say.”
No, you don’t. Saying that you do can be annoying or even insulting. It also destroys effective listening.
In your anxiety to give effective feedback—or maybe to gain control of the conversation, to speed things up a little, or even to save the other person a little effort—you may jump into a statement or question before it’s finished (a hallmark of level 1 listening). The result is sometimes comical, sometimes disastrous, but never helpful to communication.
PUT DOWN YOUR PEN
That little pen and the simple notepad can cause trouble. We offer the following advice:
Don’t play with the pen and paper. It might not be distracting to move the pad around a little as you listen, but don’t flip the pages or tap your pen on the desk or the pad.
Don’t doodle. It’s a natural impulse for most people, but usually it’s the graphic equivalent of twiddling your thumbs. It could suggest that you’re bored or thinking of something else.
Don’t let any note taking distract the other person. Everybody is curious about what other people are thinking, and those notes are a key to what’s going through your mind. Reduce the temptation by keeping your notes close to you, perhaps even resting your hand on them when you’re not writing.
Don’t anticipate the end of a sentence. Don’t assume you know how the statement ends, how the person feels, or where the conversation is leading.
Even if you’re really good at guessing what the other person is going to say, fight that urge. Even if your intuition is right, you’re wrong for jumping in.
Be patient. Keep your focus. Resist the temptation to intrude. Above all, try not to start framing answers to the next three questions you expect to get.
What if you listen to everything the employee has to say, but you still don’t understand?
If you’re a smart coach, you take the initiative to get clarity. Your goal is to facilitate effective communication, so it doesn’t matter whether the employee didn’t say it well or you didn’t listen well. Assume the responsibility for getting it right.
Be tactful wording your statements for clarity. “I want to be sure I’ve got this right.” “Just to make sure we’re on the same page, here’s what I heard.” These are judgment-free statements you can use to get clarification.
5. Take notes. You walk a fine line here. You want to keep the discussion informal—coaching is a conversation, not an inquisition. However, taking some brief notes here and there can help you remember to return to key issues, remind yourself of your own action steps, and give you the opportunity to get random thoughts on paper so you can save your attention for the speaker.
There are several advantages to taking notes, besides the obvious purpose of providing a record of the conversation. Here are two benefits for you:
It keeps you focused. Just try taking notes without listening.
It keeps you active. As long as your hand is moving, you’re not dozing.
Taking notes also provides benefits for the employee. It demonstrates three things:
DON’T WRITE IT ALL DOWN
Don’t try to write everything down. Complete sentences are unnecessary. Just jot down key words, phrases, and numbers. Leave lots of space around your jottings.
Much of what you write may be useful only during the rest of the session. But you might need to use those notes later to follow up on something or keep a record of the conversation. Go over the notes as soon as possible after the session, filling in the blanks. (That’s why it’s important to leave a lot of space.) You’ll be amazed by how much you remember.
The topic matters to you.
The speaker matters to you.
You’re committed to getting the information right.
If you’re relaxed about taking notes, you’ll be a better listener, and you’ll set the other person at ease.
Learn how to take quick notes without breaking your focus on the other person, scribbling quickly while keeping eye contact. Let the employee know that you are taking notes so that you can keep up with the conversation most appropriately.
Note taking can be a real benefit in some coaching conversations. Encourage your employees to come to you with a notepad or some way of capturing information. That way, they can be sure they remember their own action items and commitments. On the other hand, be willing to share your notes with the employee if asked. Some people (particularly those who might have attention deficit difficulties) find it easier to focus on the big-picture issues of a coaching session if they don’t have to take notes themselves, which can be distracting. Sharing your notes with these people helps remind them of what was discussed and agreed on.
6. Acknowledge feelings. People differ vastly in the kinds and amount of emotion they allow themselves to express in the workplace. Many would like to avoid feelings entirely. (We don’t discuss the unhealthy effects of that tradition here.) But your conversation with a worker may well go beyond fact or opinion and into feelings. Frustration can lead people to “boil over” and personal feelings do come into play in the workplace, no matter how much someone might want to avoid this.
When that happens, don’t ignore the feelings as expressed by the other person. Acknowledge and verify them:
“You sound angry. Tell me about it.” (Acknowledges their feelings, invites more explanation)
“You seem pretty upset. What else is going on here?” (Notices the feelings, seeks a response that might be more comprehensive)
“I get that you’re frustrated about this process. That’s natural—anyone in your situation would feel that way.” (Validates without belittling or agreeing)
Our previous point about not assuming becomes especially important when feelings are involved. People carry around emotional baggage, pieces of their lives that can spill out unexpectedly. Don’t assume you know what may be happening outside the workplace.
By asking, you acknowledge that the employee’s feelings are important to you and validate that they are natural. You also avoid trying to deal with feelings that you only perceive, a danger that emerges in the following exchange:
Notice that we talk about acknowledging and verifying (even validating) the other person’s feelings. This doesn’t necessarily mean you should agree or sympathize. If you express your own sympathizing opinion when coaching, you might just get right down in the muck with your employee, taking on his or her emotional burden. Stepping into that negative energy (fear, anger, frustration) won’t help you be a better coach, and it will drain you of your positive energy. Remember to rise to level 3 listening where you can hear and acknowledge, but not take on the emotional burden.
“So, why are you angry?”
“Me? I’m not angry? Why do you assume I’m angry?”
“Well, I don’t know. The way you stomped in here, the way you flopped down into the chair, the way you’re fidgeting … ”
“Well, I wasn’t angry when I came in here—but I’m sure starting to get irritated!”
7. Allow silence. But don’t use it as a weapon. Silence between two human beings—especially in a tense situation—can seem intimidating. Reporters use it as a technique to get a reluctant source to say more than he or she intends.
But a pause that allows for reflection shows respect and allows the employee to give a response that’s accurate, rather than just fast.
So now you know about the seven keys to effective listening. You work at following those guidelines. But how can you know if you’re becoming a good listener?
To make sure you’ve understood what you think you’ve heard, use the following simple system.
1. Receive. To understand it, you have to hear it. Prepare. Be still. Wait. Don’t assume. Take notes. Probe gently and redirect the conversation if necessary. Concentrate on the speaker to maintain your focus. Practice the art of doing one thing well.
2. Reflect. Think about what you’re hearing. Make sense out of it. Put it into a meaningful context. Ask questions to clarify. Listening is an active process.
Because silence can be unsettling, some will rush to fill the void, rather than using it to think. If you feel that you’ve gotten a rushed, even inaccurate reply to a question, wait a moment. Even if the other person starts running off at the mouth, sometimes the real answer will come forward if you give him or her enough space.
You can ask the question again if you need to, but be careful how you do so. “Are you sure?” may sound like a challenge. You might try repeating the answer, word for word if necessary. (Sometimes when we hear somebody else echo our words, we think about them differently.) Or you might continue the conversation, asking other questions that return to probe the point, but in different words.
3. Rephrase. “Reflect” also means to bounce light or an image back to the source. That’s the next step. Bounce what you’re hearing back to the source; then rephrase to make sure you’re getting it right.
Do so thoughtfully, using as many words as the other person used to confirm that you respect his or her view of the issue. Avoid psycho-speak, formulaic nonsense like “I hear you saying …” It can be annoying and can make you focus more on the structure and less on the substance.
Don’t be an echo. Begin to put statements and questions into your own words, but check to make sure you have it right so you aren’t moving forward on inaccurate assumptions.
Be open to the possibility that you’ve gotten it wrong. That happens: Nobody’s perfect. Don’t get defensive. Your job here is to understand.
Moving Beyond Listening
Effective listening is simply a means to an end. Once you have heard and understood, you must respond.
That doesn’t mean you should take every suggestion, act on every criticism, or effect changes when they’re suggested. What it does mean is that you must offer something in return. Often when you respond, you’ll take off your coach hat and put on your manager hat. This is entirely appropriate in the workplace. In fact, you might even say directly to an employee, “I have to respond as a manager now.” Let them know when your role has shifted, and they can shift along with you.
As a manager, you have the right to express your views, but know when to do so, so as not to negate any coaching you’ve done. Do it in the spirit of understanding, not to hammer the employee with your greater wisdom or higher authority. Share your decisions and your reasons for them. If your decision is final, the employee needs to know.
Employees have ideas and opinions. Don’t let those thoughts disappear into a black hole in your office. (Yes, that’s a cliché, but it’s a good comparison here. Sometimes the gravitational force of management can absorb the brightness of employees, which then disappears without effect.)
If you don’t listen and respond, employees will soon stop talking. They won’t waste your time or their own. They will start to become dissatisfied and disengaged.
Remember to communicate with (not at) your workers. Practice the art of powerful listening, so that you can coach more effectively and make better, more informed decisions.
The Coach’s Checklist for Chapter 6
A good coach knows when to step into level 2 listening and then level 3 listening (coach position) to foster a creative environment for problem solving.
Coaching means you have to listen to what employees say. The seven keys to effective listening are to (1) be prepared, (2) drop everything else you’re doing, (3) maintain eye contact, (4) hear it all before responding, (5) take notes, (6) acknowledge feelings, and (7) allow for silence.
Remember the three Rs of listening: receive, reflect, and rephrase.