CHAPTER 7

Shh … Listen

The art of conversation lies in listening.
—MALCOLM FORBES

A friend was going to a party where he would be meeting his wife’s coworkers from her new job for the first time. He felt anxious as the time for the party grew near, and he wondered whether they would like him or not. He rehearsed various scenarios in his mind in which he tried in different ways to impress them. He grew more and more tense.

But on the way to the party, the man came up with a radically different approach, one that caused all of his anxiety to melt completely away.

He decided that, instead of trying to impress anyone, he would spend the evening simply listening to them and summarizing what they had just said. At the party, he spent the evening listening carefully to everyone, responding with phrases like, “I understand what you’re saying; you feel strongly that …” and “Let me see if I understand what you mean …” He also avoided voicing his own opinions, even though at times it meant biting his tongue to keep from doing so.

To his amazement, he discovered that no one noticed or remarked on the fact that he was just listening. Each person he talked to during the evening seemed content to be listened to without interruption. On the way home, his wife (whom he had not told about the experiment) told him that a number of people had made a point of telling her what a remarkable person he was. The word “charismatic” was used by one person to describe him, while another said he was one of the most “articulate” people she had ever met.¹

Could it be that charisma and brilliance have as much to do with how we listen as what we say? Imagine a world in which people actually listened to one another, rather than just waiting for the other people to stop talking so they can give their opinion.

Do you want to influence people? Do you want to fascinate them and gain their admiration? Do you want to delight them in compelling conversation?

Then listen. Ask questions and listen. Don’t be afraid of silence. Silence is loud. It allows you the time to think and articulate your thoughts more effectively.

Everyone has stories, opinions, and beliefs. Everyone has passions. It is likely that people are more emotionally fascinated with their own experiences than yours.

So ask, listen, pay attention, ask a follow-up question, and remember the details of the interaction. Stop and engage. By taking the time to ask, you express your engagement and curiosity. You will delight the person who is talking. Your bonus is that you will probably learn something as well.

We are often too eager to tell, relate, instruct, offer opinions, and give our life story. But stop. When you ask others to share and you attentively listen to their thoughts, you make them feel that they are important and of consequence to you. When you ask questions, it affirms that you are actually hearing them. When you remember the subject matter and recall it at a later date, it increases their esteem for you. Smile, nod your head, agree, laugh, and participate in their accounts. Making those around you feel important elevates your reputation and position. People want to know you care.

Becoming a great listener will help you become indispensable and separate you from your competition for the next opportunity. In most cases, we should spend about 75 percent of our time listening, 10 percent of our time thinking about what we’ve heard, and 15 percent of our time talking. If you’re talking 50 percent of the time in a conversation, you’re talking too much and not listening enough.

One of the deepest needs of all people is to be heard and understood. Miscommunication occurs largely because we do not take the time to listen. Slow down, and don’t assume you know what is going to be said before they say it. Alexander Pope once said, “Some people never learn anything because they understand everything too soon.”

Listening effectively is not easy. It requires three things that most people lack: time, patience, and concentration. Yet other people judge how much you care about them by how attentive you are to what they are saying. If you listen to hear only what you want to hear, you lose credibility as well as trust. To become indispensable, you have to make connections with people. Connecting begins with listening.

How do you feel when someone interrupts you? Annoyed? Frustrated? Disrespected?

Interrupting is the greatest distraction to anyone talking because it signals that something, someone, some thought, or you consider yourself more important and relevant than the person speaking. Whether you are part of a crowd or one-on-one with the person speaking, respect that person’s narrative and her dignity. Allow the person the freedom to complete her thought or story. Any disturbance you initiate communicates selfishly and negatively to the speaker. Give the speaker the courtesy of your undivided attention. Should you have time issues or need to delay the discussion in process, then do so graciously. If the discussion is one-on-one, then tell the speaker you have a time constraint but you do want to continue the discussion later. And offer the speaker a reason to believe you found the interaction engaging. It is possible that the subject matter may never be rekindled or thoughts completed. But it is valuable to protect another person’s dignity.

People never forget how you make them feel. When someone feels slighted or insignificant, you lose that person’s respect, and it is hard to get it back.

Here are some listening pointers to utilize:

• Stop what you are doing and focus on the speaker.

• Smile. Demonstrate that you want to be there and you are happy to listen.

• Maintain eye contact.

• Think about what the speaker is saying, not on something that might be on your mind.

• Don’t interrupt or complete the speaker’s sentence.

• Acknowledge that you are listening with appropriate facial expressions.

• Ask questions in follow-up: “Tell me more about …” or “Why … ?”

• As the discussion concludes, offer a positive comment about the conversation.

• Do your best to remember key thoughts for later follow-up.

Remember that the speaker may not be seeking your input or your experience. If you are confident that the speaker truly desires your input during a discussion, then offer your views. But keep in mind that often the speaker may simply need someone to truly listen to her thoughts. The speaker will be delighted to have your complete attention and fascination.

Yes, you have stories and opinions too. There will be times when you can tell them. There will be many opportunities for you to interact and share. There may be times when you desire undivided attention from someone. But you will find a new level of trust with people when you truly listen to them. As a product of that trust, they will listen to you as you have listened to them.

Keep the natural ratio of ears and mouth—2 to 1—intact in your communications. It may be tough because we have the ability to speak about 120 to 150 words per minute while we are able to process about 500 words per minute. That makes it doubly tough to be a great listener. But the Indispensable person is not the average person. Separate yourself by listening with patience, respect, and focus.

Take Action

Here are some specific skills to practice that will help you become a better listener:

• Focus on looking squarely in one eye of the speaker. Yes, one eye. This little trick subconsciously blocks out distractions and gives the speaker your total attention. Try it.

• Don’t just sit there. Interact. And if you lose the context of the subject, ask for clarification. Be open. Make sure that your shoulders are square with the person you are listening to, and try not to cross your arms.

• Ask questions. Questions show that you care.

• Recap. Sum up the main points as you go along, such as, “So, you think we can get to Point B more easily by setting up a rest stop between Points A and B?”

• Don’t finish the speaker’s thoughts, even though you may get her point.

• Don’t interrupt unless the building is on fire.

• Nod your head—not as though you are at a concert but in a way that reassures the speaker that you are taking in information.

The Indispensable person respects those around him by being a terrific listener.