CHAPTER 4
Reflecting What You Want Others to See
How we think shows through in how we act. Attitudes are mirrors of the mind. They reflect thinking.
—DAVID JOSEPH SCHWARTZ
A salesman moved into a new town and met an old-timer as he was leaving the bank. “I’m new to your town. What are the people like here?” the salesman asked.
“What were the people like in the town you came from?” the old-timer asked in return.
“Well, they were glum and negative and always complaining, and their glasses were always half empty, never half full,” the salesman replied.
“Hmmm,” said the old-timer. “Sounds about like the people who live here.”
A few weeks later, another person moved to the same town and met the same old-timer as he was leaving the same bank. “I’m new to your town. What are the people like here?” the newcomer asked.
“What were the people like in the town you came from?” the old-timer asked again.
“Well, they were wonderful. They worked together in the neighborhood, helped each other out, and were always there to support us during tough times. We’re going to miss them now that we’ve moved,” the newcomer replied.
“Hmmm,” said the old-timer. “I think you will like it here. That sounds about like the people who live here.”
The old-timer’s message? If you want to be around people who are positive and enthusiastic and eager to live life, your attitude has to be the same. If you think the people around you are glum and negative, you probably need to check your attitude. It’s probably glum and negative too.
If you want to be around happier people, choose to be happy yourself. It all starts with you. As an old farmer used to tell his children, “You can’t change the fruit without changing the root.” Our root is our attitude, and our fruit is how others see us.
There are few relationships more important to you than your relationship with what you see in the mirror. We love mirrors—in private. We spend hours of our lives, one-on-one, concocting our best reflection. We do our best to present an appearance that we are convinced represents us to the pinnacle of our physical abilities. And when additional advice or help is needed, there are products, techniques, magazines, and physicians willing to assist us, regardless of the challenge.
Mirrors are interesting. When you shop for athletic shoes, the mirrors are low, offering a glimpse of how those running shoes will look when we are challenging the turf. Forget support or comfort. Do they make us look athletic, fast, chic, successful … even if we choose not to run?
When we buy sunglasses, we look into that little narrow mirror there on the store rack. Skip the UV protection, the polarization, the lens quality. We contort, squat, and look sideways, attempting to get a view of those shades on our face. Perhaps we can get a view of only one eye at a time. But do we look glamorous, cool, tough, and most of all mysterious?
There are mirrors everywhere. Compact mirrors, mirrors on the sun visors in our cars, mirrors in elevators, bathrooms, and entryways, magnified mirrors, mirrors on adjustable arms for revealing the back view, lighted mirrors, and, of course, full-length mirrors.
Your reflection is important to you, and what you reflect is critical to your success. But the glass mirror is a deceiver. The mirror offers a narrow one-dimensional view of your appearance. And it is an appearance that you have frequently rehearsed. It is that specific pose that you have grown to appreciate. You know the pose. It is often that last look before you leave … head cocked, sly smile. Yet, how many times in a day will you be able to establish that stance and that pose so that others can view you as you have practiced and planned?
To present yourself well, you must consider that your reflection is much more complex than the glass mirror reveals. We need to practice more than the pose. You think what others see is not important? It is … because you sell yourself—positive or negative—every minute, every day.
The most important, the most critical, the most telling reflection is not what you see. It is what others see. Granted, we all spend time in front of the mirror, but we spend vastly more time interacting with others. What do they see? They see more than a one-dimensional view. And it is that reflection which will impact your success.
Your face, body language, presence, and attitude are all constantly being watched and analyzed by those around you. Your voice, words, tone, and grammar are all being absorbed and compiled. Your emotions, demeanor, passion, your smile, and your eyes are all joining in to create the equation, the actual representation of how you are perceived. What are they seeing? Is it consistent with what you wanted them to see when you left that glass mirror? No one can see your intent, your heart, or the previous series of events that created your current demeanor. No one can see what you meant to convey.
You know that you have only one chance to make a first impression. But how long is that first chance? Five minutes? Thirty seconds? Think again. A series of experiments by Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov revealed that all it takes is a tenth of a second for people to form an impression of strangers from their face.1
A tenth of a second! Interestingly, longer exposures do not significantly alter those initial impressions.
Such a short encounter doesn’t allow anyone to know your heart, motives, beliefs, goals, education, or intentions. In that short moment in time, you may not have enough warning to assume the special mirror pose. You are being examined by sight, smell, perceived mood, and overall physical appearance. You are being measured by posture, attitude, and expression. Quickly and often.
The good news is that you’re in control of your reflection. But managing your true reflection is one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do. It requires that you be willing to hear the little, inadvertent, unsolicited comments that people make—comments that are sometimes hurtful, flattering, surprising, or confusing but always worth consideration. Managing your reflection requires you to be willing to be honest with yourself and accept that others may be right. It requires you to admit that you may need to make some changes. Every comment, interaction, and response is worth internal analysis. Watch for input, wanted or unwanted, that offers a consistent message. And be willing to adjust your personal interface. What you thought you were communicating may not have been the message that you were actually conveying.
We love it when someone flatters us. Whether the pleasant comment was on hairstyle, clothing, actions, car—it doesn’t matter. The point is that someone noticed we are or have something special. We eagerly accept that person’s insight and wisdom.
But have you ever had someone walk up to you and make a comment like any of these:
“Are you feeling OK?”
“Smile! It’s OK.”
“Have you had a hard day?”
“Is there something bothering you?”
You may have been surprised because you were feeling fine. If so, your appearance did not match your intent. You could consider the comments insulting and plan to volley some verbal retort that would precisely and strategically provide a perfect counterstrike, taking pleasure that you evened the score. That would be very gratifying. Or you could take the comments and place them in your internal database for analysis. Why, if you were feeling fine and energetic, were you sending a signal of the opposite? Not so much instant gratification.
The people you interact with are using their senses to analyze the overall consistency of the message you are sending. We often send conflicting messages unintentionally. Should you receive a negative, unfiltered comment about your appearance or countenance … stay cool. It does not mean you are a failure, that you are worthless, or that you have no future. It simply means you have been given an opportunity to better yourself. It means that you may not be presenting yourself the way you intended. You may need to smile more and talk less. You may need to listen more and joke less. You may need to be friendlier and complain less. You may need to take a firmer stance and be confident. You may need to try harder and stop making excuses. You are not compromising who you are. Rather, you are fine-tuning your overall personal representation.
Take control of your message, your presence, and your future. Accept any comments, even the negative ones, as assisting you to create a more powerful you. All comments can lead to a better you. A better you beats the competition.
Here’s to you reflecting exactly what you want others to see and to you becoming Indispensable!
Take Action
How do you perceive yourself? Write down five characteristics that you believe describe you.
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Now, ask five people you work with to write down five characteristics that they believe describe you.
Are there gaps? Are you reflecting your intentions? Does the perception that others have of you match your appearance? Do comments from people you come in contact with match the characteristics that you believe describe you?
The Indispensable person is not ashamed of his or her reflection.