“Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ABRAHAM LINCOLN

OWNING OUR REACTIONS

If I had a fear of mice would that mean mice were dangerous? Not at all. Mice, after all, are just mice. My fear would have more to do with the way I’ve learned to think about mice, together with my unconscious programming. The sight of a mouse would simply be the trigger for my programmed reaction to mice.

When I see a mouse I might think there’s something dangerous or inherently frightening about mice. We tend to project our reactions onto the situations, things or people that trigger them and view them as the cause of our reaction.

We can see it for what it really is: a harmless mouse that triggers a reaction in me because of the way I’ve become programmed to react to mice.

Not all situations we react to are as harmless as mice. But most come pretty close.

There’s nothing inherently frustrating about a traffic jam. A traffic jam is just too many cars trying to fit into too small a space. If I feel frustrated when I’m stuck in one, this has more to do with my expectations about how the traffic should be moving and the workings of my unconscious programming and automatic ways of thinking when these expectations aren’t met.

There’s nothing inherently annoying about someone disagreeing with me. It’s simply someone expressing views that are different to my own. If I feel irritated, it’s probably because of how, consciously or unconsciously, I’d prefer my views to be received by others.

PAST PROGRAMMING

Our reactions may not always result from a particular expectation. Our unconscious mind sometimes replays records of past painful experiences, mainly from childhood. These records can be triggered by events that unconsciously remind us of those experiences.

If we had a painful experience when we felt unjustly criticised as a child, we may be particularly sensitive to criticism as an adult. If we had an unpleasant experience when we were the centre of attention as a child, we may experience a nervous reaction when we’re the centre of attention as an adult.

But whatever the cause, our reactions are primarily a function of our own unconscious programming and automatic ways of thinking.

As we said in Chapter 1, this doesn’t mean we should or could have avoided reacting, at least as far as our automatic thoughts and feelings are concerned. We can’t immediately avoid our automatic ways of thinking or resulting feelings.

But owning our reactions, in other words seeing them as primarily a function of our own programming, can allow us to see the situation more objectively.

THE BENEFITS

Owning our reactions isn’t always useful. If I come face to face with a hungry-looking tiger, I’m likely to experience a strong desire to flee. My reaction is still a function of my unconscious programming and automatic ways of thinking. But being aware of this is fairly academic when choosing between fleeing or being eaten.

My reaction to hungry tigers is a productive one. A similar reaction to mice might not be so productive. Our lives are full of reactions, some of which are productive and some of which aren’t. It would be a cold world if we didn’t feel sadness over the suffering of others, grief when we lose a loved one, or anger when we witness cruelty or injustice. Owning these reactions may offer little benefit. But owning our less productive reactions can be hugely beneficial.

When we own our reactions, we can see our reactions and whatever we’ve reacted to separately, and view them independently, even though one may have triggered the other. If we can view whatever we’ve reacted to independently of our reaction, we can see it for what it really is, rather than just seeing it through our reaction.

If I view an elephant through blue-tinted glasses, the elephant may appear blue. But if I’m aware of what’s really going on, I can think about the elephant and the glasses separately. I can see them as they really are, a grey elephant and blue-tinted glasses.

If a careless driver has annoyed me and I just view him through my annoyance, I’ll see him in a pretty negative light. But if I can own my reaction (recognise it’s primarily a function of my own unconscious programming and automatic ways of thinking) I can view the driver and my reaction separately. I can see them for what they really are, a careless but probably well-meaning driver, and my own programmed reaction.

A word of caution. Owning our reactions doesn’t mean we have no responsibility for the reactions we trigger in others. So suggesting others own their reactions when we’ve upset them would be neither justified nor productive.

CHOOSING OUR RESPONSE

Owning our reactions and accepting our feelings help us to paccept the situation and so enables us to choose a more productive response.

A ‘response’ is those thoughts that are under our control, together with our actions, which are always under our control, whereas a ‘reaction’ is our automatic thoughts and feelings. Our reactions are automatic, whereas we can always choose our response.

Owning our reactions, accepting our feelings and paccepting the situation help us to choose a more productive response. For example, I can avoid saying anything unproductive as a result of my reaction.

TAKING CONTROL

We’ve now explored a number of tools. Owning our reactions, accepting our feelings, paccepting what is and paccepting ourselves and others enable us to choose the way we experience our circumstances at any moment. (Owning our reactions is now first in the list because this is often the first thing we need to do.)

Choosing our actions (accept the feeling, choose the action; make a commitment; stop playing the when-then game; act as if; take bold action; focus on contribution) and choosing a productive response enable us to take greater control of our circumstances.

We can’t always control our circumstances, though we can go a long way towards it. But we can always choose, and so take control of, how we ‘experience’ our circumstances, whatever they may be.

We can begin by taking responsibility for the way we experience any situation in our lives. We can do this by recognising that our unhappiness or dissatisfaction in any situation is a result of the way we’re thinking. The situation after all is what it is and couldn’t have been different if everyone involved was doing their best (the only thing they could have done).

Taking responsibility for our experience means making statements, or wording our thoughts, in a way that recognises that it’s our reaction, not the situation, that counts: ‘I’m frustrated about the train being late’ or ‘I’m upset about the food being cold’. These statements place the responsibility for our reaction with us rather than with the event that’s triggered the reaction.

Having acknowledged our responsibility for the way we experience any situation, we can start taking control of that experience by using pacceptance (accepting our feelings, paccepting what is and paccepting ourselves and others).

Having taken control of the way we experience a situation, we can then take control of the situation itself, to the extent this is possible, which is something we’ve probably been trying to do all our lives. Where appropriate, we can use the power tools we covered in Chapter 7.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR INTERACTIONS

It’s fair to say that most interactions are a joint responsibility between the parties involved. It takes two to make a conflict. But viewing our interactions as a joint responsibility isn’t necessarily the most productive way to view them.

In the last chapter we said that not only have others always done their best (the only thing they could have done) with the awareness they had at the time, but they’re also doing so right now.

If we can understand this when we’re interacting with others, especially when we’re in conflict, we can appreciate that, other than a sudden realisation in the other person …

Owning our reaction and accepting our feelings will diminish any reaction we may be experiencing. Understanding the other person is doing the only thing they could be doing with the awareness they have right now will diminish any negative thoughts we may have towards them.

Now we can focus on whether there’s anything constructive we can do to influence their awareness, if that’s what we want to do.

So it helps if we take total responsibility for our interactions. The irony is that when we’re in conflict, we tend to view the interaction in quite the opposite way. We tend to hold the other person responsible in a blaming way for not seeing things the way we see them.

The truth is the other person is seeing things the only way they could be seeing them, with the awareness they have right now. The only person who has any chance of changing the way they see things is us. And we’re more likely to achieve this and avoid unnecessary conflict if we take total responsibility for the interaction.

Another way of seeing this is in relation to perspective. As we said in the last chapter, we all tend to view things from our perspective. The other person of course is doing the same. And from our perspective it always seems we’re right and the other person is wrong. It helps to stop and try to view any disagreement from the other person’s perspective.

DAY BY DAY

Understanding and practising these ways of thinking can have a hugely positive impact on our day-to-day lives. Here are some more examples:

• Someone cuts in front of me while driving. I recognise that any irritation I feel (which is now rare) is about my own unconscious programming and automatic ways of thinking. I focus on and accept my feeling, which immediately disappears, and acknowledge to myself that the other driver is behaving in the only way he knows how with the awareness he has at this moment. I paccept it and let it go.
• I’m on my way to give a presentation overseas and have just been bumped off a flight because the airline overbooked it. I own and accept any irritation I feel, which immediately disappears. I recognise that everyone in the airline, from the policy makers down to whoever overbooked this flight and the representative who’s given me the bad news, have all done their best (the only thing they could have done) at the time.

I ask the representative to convey my dissatisfaction to her superiors, in the probably vain hope that she might actually do so and the even vainer hope that this might impact on the airline’s policy. Otherwise I focus only on what can be done to get me to my destination.

I later write a letter to the airline expressing my dissatisfaction with their policy and requesting recompense for the disruption. I receive a free flight as compensation but I’ve no idea whether I’ve had any other impact. Quite probably my complaint and recompense is an occasional event the airline had already taken into account in setting their policy.

REFRAMING AND GRATITUDE

There may sometimes be positive aspects of challenging situations, such as learning opportunities or, in the previous example, the possibility of a free ticket if I’m bumped off a flight. But I don’t need to look for positives in order to paccept a situation.

Some people do this and find it helpful. It’s called reframing, which means looking for a silver lining in any cloud to make the cloud more acceptable.

For me, silver linings are a bonus but not a necessity. While I mention it in my training, I don’t teach reframing as a primary tool. The reason is that I see reliance on reframing as reinforcing the view that we can only accept something if it’s positive.

For me, pacceptance is much more powerful because it can be used universally and applied immediately to any situation. I’ve noticed that those who rely on reframing often find it difficult to immediately identify a silver lining. But using reframing to supplement pacceptance whenever a silver lining is evident can be a helpful bonus.

In the world of personal development training, reframing has now largely been replaced by gratitude. This is taught in two very different ways. For some it’s simply a new term for reframing. If we can find something positive in a negative situation, then we can be grateful for it. Once again, I treat this as a bonus rather than a primary tool.

The other way gratitude is taught is to encourage us to think about positive things in our lives and be grateful for them. For example, you could stop reading right now and write down fifty things you’re grateful for in your life. Or you can end each day by thinking about something positive that’s happened during the day and be grateful for it.

I find these exercises helpful and encourage you to try them, but not in place of developing pacceptance.

Action summary

This chapter:

In every challenging situation:

• Own your reaction (and accept any feelings) to enable you to view your reaction and the trigger separately and paccept both
• Take responsibility for your experience (‘I’m upset that …’)
• Choose a more positive experience using pacceptance
• Take total responsibility for any interactions (the other person is doing the only thing they could be doing with the awareness they have right now)
• Choose a productive response (if appropriate using the power tools in Chapter 7)

Prior chapters:

• Accept for now any uncomfortable feelings (fully experience and accept them)
• Paccept what is (our circumstances) at every opportunity
• Recognise we and others were doing our best (the only thing we could have done) given our awareness at the time, so paccept it
• Understand we/they are still responsible for our actions, but that only impacts what happens now and in the future
• Paccept ourselves totally as we are, at the same time as seeking to develop
• Try to understand the other person’s perspective
• Paccept/forgive others
• Reconcile with significant others
• ‘Accept the feeling, choose the action’ to resolve recurring feelings, unproductive habits and self-limitations
• Commit; stop playing the when-then game; act as if; take bold action; focus on contribution; set goals where needed to make changes, address goals and challenge ourselves
• Stop worrying
• If an uncomfortable feeling keeps recurring when you’ve fully accepted it, try letting it go
• Observe non-pacceptance in others (TV, etc.) and consider how you’d now think and act in their circumstances