Less wishing, more action
“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and magic in it. Begin it now.” GOETHE
Is there really any aspect of the world, other people, or our own lives that’s at all surprising? Given the way our world and we humans have evolved, given all the events that have occurred, given the thoughts and experiences of those before us and the decisions they made, wisely or not so wisely, and given our own thoughts and experiences and the decisions we’ve made:
Why would we expect a single aspect
of the world, other people or our own
lives to be different from the way they
were or the way they are right now?
Yes, it would be wonderful if there were no earthquakes or floods. But, like it or not, that’s the way the world is. Maybe the world would be a better place, and our lives would be easier, if others had been less unreasonable. But people are sometimes unreasonable. And yes, if I’d been born a different person, or I’d had different thoughts or experiences, my circumstances might be different. But I didn’t and so they’re not.
Maybe if we’d acted sooner, we could have averted a particular catastrophe. If people had acted more wisely or with greater foresight, things wouldn’t have developed the way they did. If I’d thought or acted differently, I wouldn’t be in my present situation. But we didn’t have the awareness, the ability or the will to choose to act differently and so we didn’t.
If we were able to view the past in enough detail, we could see exactly how every aspect of the world, other people and our own lives came to be the way they were or the way they are at this moment – and none of it would be at all surprising. Just as our planet has evolved the way it has through its history, so we’ve evolved the way we have through our history.
I don’t mean it was inevitable, or that things were fated to evolve the way they did. But the choices we and others have made were hardly surprising, given our circumstances and awareness at the time, and all those unsurprising choices have combined to create the world, other people and our own lives exactly as they are at this moment.
Every situation, every action, every experience, every moment, would be unsurprising if we could view it with an understanding of everything that led up to it. It all fits together like an intricate web.
The world is the way it is because of its past. We are the way we are because of our past. If the past had been different, the present would be different. But it wasn’t, so it isn’t and it couldn’t possibly have been.
We can choose to paccept the past and
the present moment not only because
we cannot change them and not only
because we and others were doing our
best (the only thing we could have done),
but also because we know that if we
were able to see in enough detail the
complex history and inter-relationships
involved, it would all be completely
understandable and unsurprising.
If someone were to suggest that mountains shouldn’t be tall or that grass shouldn’t be green or seagulls shouldn’t fly so fast, we might think them a little strange.
Is it so different to suggest in a blaming or regretful way that we or others shouldn’t have done the things we’ve done or that a situation should be different from the way it is right now? What is, is and there’s no point wishing that what is, isn’t, both because we cannot undo it and because it couldn’t possibly have been different.
To say or think in a blaming or regretful way that we or others shouldn’t have done what we did, or that a situation shouldn’t be the way it is right now, makes about as much sense as saying it shouldn’t be raining. It’s raining because of the meteorological history of our planet that’s led up to this moment.
Every situation is the way it is right
now, and couldn’t possibly have been
different, because all the people
who contributed to it were doing
the only thing they could have done
at every moment given their
awareness at the time.
Stop right now and read that last sentence again. Try to imagine what life might be like if you were able to think this way all the time, in every challenging situation that ever arises. Understanding that every situation you encounter in your life is the only way it could possibly have been at that moment means living with total pacceptance all the time.
CASE STUDY
Soon after I started running seminars, I arrived at a hotel one evening where the seminar was booked. I was later than usual and, as luck would have it, that was also the day when the hotel had lost the booking and nothing was prepared.
While the situation could be described as stressful, I didn’t see it that way. I immediately knew this was the only situation that could have existed at that moment.
Every aspect of the situation, from me being later than usual to the hotel losing the booking, could not have been different given the awareness of everyone involved at the time. In order for it to have been different, somebody somewhere would have needed a different awareness and that wasn’t possible.
Once the problem had been sorted I took action which I hoped would ensure it wouldn’t happen again.
When I used this as an illustration to my audience, one participant, an experienced seminar presenter, questioned whether it was the only thing that could have happened. Surely I could have called the hotel earlier that day to ensure everything was being arranged?
It was a great suggestion but I explained that I couldn’t possibly have done that for reasons which I hope by now you’ll understand. But that participant had now added to my life history with his suggestion and changed my awareness, so I certainly did start calling the hotel from that day on.
WHY TWO JUSTIFICATIONS FOR PACCEPTANCE?
Knowing something couldn’t have been different is generally the most powerful justification for pacceptance. But it doesn’t always avoid disappointment.
Imagine you arrive home to find a meteorite has demolished your house. You might know it was the only thing that could have happened (the meteorite has probably been pointing at the piece of ground your house was built on for the last million years or so), but knowing this may still leave you disappointed.
As well as understanding it’s the only thing that could have happened you may at times need to go back to the pacceptance justification we introduced in Chapter 1. Recognise you’re wishing something were already different; acknowledge this is irrational because it’s wishing for the impossible; drop the thought and refocus on what you can do, if anything, to improve the future.
THE CRAZIEST THING OF ALL
Imagine an alien had hitched a ride on that meteorite and, having landed on Earth, is now observing how we humans behave. Let’s assume he’s from a planet where everyone knows they live in a determined world and so they ‘accept what is’ all the time because they know that ‘what is’ couldn’t have been different at any moment.
Our friendly alien would no doubt watch us being upset by situations and getting upset with each other, being dissatisfied with our circumstances, getting stressed by events, worrying about the future and getting into conflict. He’d probably be intrigued by all this bizarre behaviour.
Maybe he’d be thankful to have spent most of his life in a world where everyone accepts what is, everyone lives loving, satisfying and fulfilling lives, everyone experiences and enjoys life to the full and everyone spends time exploring the possibilities that life brings.
Perhaps he’d be surprised to find there are a great many humans who know they live in a determined world but don’t realise the huge benefits this knowledge can bring, and so don’t use it in their day-to-day lives and have never passed their knowledge on to others.
While he might think this was the craziest planet he’d ever visited, he’d still know we humans have always done our best (the only thing we could have done), and so he’d know the bizarre behaviour he’s witnessing is the only situation that could have existed right now.
Perhaps he’d stay a while to enjoy our beautiful planet and see if he could spark a change in our crazy world before thumbing a lift on a passing meteorite and continuing his journey.
TAKING ACTION
Every situation we encounter is the only situation that could have existed at that moment. But the future is another matter. The future can be influenced or changed. Our irrational tendency to wish the past or present were somehow different, or think they ought to be different or even could have been different, is matched only by our tendency to underestimate our potential to influence the future.
Certainly there are things we cannot influence. But there’s a great deal we can influence or change, or help to change, in our environment, in other people and most of all in ourselves.
And if we want to change or achieve
something in the future, we won’t do it
by wishing. We need to act.
If we want a more satisfying job, career or vocation, we won’t get it by complaining to ourselves about all the things that are wrong with the present one. We need to do something to make the present one better or find a new one.
If we want to study or take up a new interest, we won’t do it by wishing we had more time. We need to rearrange our priorities to make more time.
If we want a new home, there’s no point wishing we had more money. We need to do something to make more money.
There’s no suggestion we all need a new job, interest or home. And we should be wary of thinking the grass is always greener on the other side. But if there’s something we want, there’s no point wishing we already had it. There’s no point complaining about our current circumstances. There’s no point waiting for it to happen. We need to do something to make it happen.
If we’re not prepared to act, or if our priorities are such that the effort doesn’t seem warranted, we need to accept our present situation to the extent we can’t, or don’t want to, change it.
But if when we’re honest with ourselves, we find our reason for not acting has more to do with insecurity, inertia or procrastination, we need to break through these barriers (using the power tools outlined in Chapters 4 and 7) so we can have the things we want.
CASE STUDY
The world of business is full of stories of success by those who refused to give up when faced with major challenges.
When Lee Iacocca took charge of the ailing Chrysler Corporation he had no idea how bad things actually were. He knew sales were falling and as an experienced marketer he’d been brought in to turn this around.
What he found was a company with ineffective management systems, poor financial controls, inadequate systems to produce the data needed to manage the company, a not-hugely-impressive high-level management team who were far from being any sort of team, an unmotivated workforce and rapidly rising debt.
Most thought the company was doomed, which, even without all the other problems, seemed likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Who’d want to buy a car from a company that was unlikely to be around long enough to manufacture the spare parts you might need?
Despite the enormous challenge, Lee Iacocca was a man who believed in the possible. He managed to turn the company around, making it once again profitable and successful.
Some might put this down to skills and ability. Those who knew him attributed his success primarily to determination and the willingness to take bold action in the face of adversity.
Here’s how to get whatever you want …
do whatever it takes.
Exercise
If there’s something you want that you don’t have, take a few moments to write down what you want and the steps you need to take to get it.
Decide which power tools you need to employ (Chapters 4 and 7). Write the date by which you want to have it. Decide on the first step and set a date by which you’ll take it. Then do it.
This chapter:
- Recognise nothing that’s ever happened, nor any situation that exists right now, could have been different at that moment, if we were all doing our best (the only thing we could have done) given our awareness at the time, so paccept it all
- Understand the future is wide open
- If you haven’t already done so, start taking action to create the future you desire
Prior chapters:
- Own our reactions
- Accept for now any uncomfortable feelings (fully experience and accept them)
- Paccept what is (our circumstances) at every opportunity
- Recognise we and others were doing our best (the only thing we could have done) given our awareness at the time, so paccept it
- Understand we/they are still responsible for our past actions, but that only impacts what happens now and in the future
- Paccept ourselves totally as we are, at the same time as seeking to develop
- Try to understand the other person’s perspective
- Take responsibility for the way we experience every moment and choose our experience using pacceptance
- Take total responsibility for our interactions
- Paccept/forgive others
- Reconcile with significant others
- ‘Accept the feeling, choose the action’ to resolve recurring feelings, unproductive habits and self-limitations
- Commit; stop playing the when-then game; act as if; take bold action; focus on contribution; set goals where needed to make changes, address goals and challenge ourselves
- Stop worrying
- If pacceptance and ‘stop worrying’ aren’t enough, complete a thought record
- Accept the feeling, choose the action, challenge the thought
- If an uncomfortable feeling keeps recurring when you’ve fully accepted it, try letting it go
- Observe non-pacceptance in others (TV, etc.) and consider how you’d now think and act in their circumstances