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The Law of Perception

“One has not only an ability to perceive the world but an ability to alter one’s perception of it; more simply, one can change things by the manner in which one looks at them.”

—Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

There was a woman named Erica in my cluster at business school. While she did spend some time with my circle of friends, more often than not she stuck to herself, which I took as her being aloof. Erica was five feet eleven inches tall and gorgeous; in fact, she’d done a stint as a model. She was extremely smart and had held a prestigious financial job before business school, and on top of all that she was rich—not just a little rich, but extremely wealthy. The way she held herself apart from everyone seemed to indicate that she thought she was better than the rest of us.

Although I tried a few times to engage her in chitchat, she always seemed to blow me off, so after a while I just left her alone. Except for the smart part, she was the exact opposite of me. I was four feet ten, gregarious and social, and didn’t grow up with buckets of money. “Maybe,” I figured, “I’m just too different from her for her to have any interest in talking to me.”

For spring break that first year I organized a trip to Jamaica. I would only be able to afford the trip myself if I sold all fourteen slots for it, so I promoted it heavily within my cluster, hoping all my friends would be able to go. And who do you think brought me the first check to hold a spot? Yup—Erica! “Ugh!” I thought, “I have to spend my hard-earned vacation with someone who treats me like I am invisible. Not my idea of fun.” To make matters worse, the final tally was ten guys and four girls, so because of the way the accommodations were arranged all of us girls would be sharing a room together.

“Terrific,” I thought, “So now I’m really stuck sharing my vacation with this snobby rich girl I have nothing in common with and who looks down her nose at me.” Or at least that was my perception of the situation going into it.

During my years of coaching, I frequently heard clients express sentiments such as, “I don’t see myself that way,” and “I can’t understand what I did to give them that impression.” Usually it was because my clients were meeting with some workplace resistance when trying to advance their careers. What is it that creates a disconnect between how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us? Understanding how our own perceptions are formed can give us some insight into how others form their perceptions of us. Once you get a handle on how perceptions are created and sustained, you can be more proactive about making the impressions you want to make and projecting your value outward so that other people recognize it. When you project your authentic self, people will respond to and connect with it. Perception is a core component of likability.

What’s Your Impression?

I may not have told you this yet, but I am always right. And so are you, from your perspective. We’ve already seen in Chapter 2 that our perceptions of ourselves are our realities about ourselves, and of course the external corollary of this is true, too: Our perceptions of others are our realities about them. This is the law of perception. Whatever impressions a person gathers of you, as he consciously or unconsciously interprets your words and actions, become his reality about you. What we perceive is what we believe to be true.

Although we can’t completely control other people’s perceptions of us—after all, we bring our own unique mix of beliefs, personality, life experiences, and biases to bear when we form opinions about people—we can definitely impact these perceptions in positive rather than negative ways. One of the most important things to remember is that perceptions typically form quickly, within the first few minutes of meeting someone. It often takes only moments to have an instinctual reaction to someone and draw conclusions about that person. It is not that we form quick judgments intentionally, it is simply a natural way that people process new situations and encounters.

It is possible for these perceptions to change over time, of course, as two people come to know each other more fully, but first impressions are powerful. This is why the law of perception has a sublaw, the law of first impressions: It is far easier to make a good first impression than to change a bad one. As human beings, we love to be right. If my first impressions of you are that your energy level is tepid, more often than not I’ll experience you that way on future occasions, fitting subsequent impressions of you into this tepid perception. I am proving myself right. It may take a while for me to change my perception of you enough to see that the real you is actually quite dynamic. So why not start off letting the real you come through? First impressions are critical.

Choose Your Perceptions

As it turned out, that spring break trip back then wasn’t at all bad. In fact, it was phenomenal, in large part because Erica turned out to be great. During our first day in Jamaica, we were both lounging on rafts in the pool when the heavens opened up and it began to pour. We both started laughing at how sudden and dramatic the tropical storm was, and then we looked at one another, floating around in the rain, and laughed even harder. The setting was so completely different from the normal business school grind we’d been accustomed to that we were able to relax and let down our guard. We wound up having a fantastic time bumming around together during the trip, learning all about our very different upbringings, past relationships, and more, and by the time we got back to school, we were bona fide buddies.

I came to realize that my first impressions of Erica had been wrong, and I’d allowed these first impressions to harden into perception. Erica wasn’t actually snotty and aloof; to my unbelievable surprise, she was shy. Once she came out of her shell, she was compassionate and warm, and she even had a rebellious streak. My perception of her had been totally off base.

There can be many reasons why our perceptions of people differ from who they really are, why authenticity and likability get “lost in translation,” as it were. Let’s look at three of them:

• Different Styles

• Inconsistent Communications

• Self-Doubt

Different Styles

We all have predispositions that come naturally to us. It can be as simple as which eye you close when you wink—there is no “correct” eye to use, it just comes down to what feels instinctively normal. Likewise we all have natural, innate tendencies when it comes to how we move through the world, how we communicate and interact with others, how we solve problems and make decisions. We all have different styles.

Most diagnostic tests break down different personality types or styles into four main groups. Some, such as Myers-Briggs, divide the types even further, but groupings of four are basic enough to easily grasp, yet substantive enough to contain useful information.

When I’m working with clients on determining their styles, I use an online assessment called the Neethling Brain Instrument (NBI™) that breaks things down into eight dimensions. You can take the full assessment by going to www.11lawsoflikability.com/assessment/assessment. Enter the code “BOOK11” to receive a discount on the assessment.

However, everyone can get a general sense of basic style types by answering a few questions and applying the answers to a four-part matrix. One axis of the matrix represents how you make decisions, and the other represents what influences those decisions. Your natural tendencies—objective thinker or subjective thinker, rapid responder or considered responder—determine the category you fall within: Straight Line, Zig Zag, Angle, or Circle.

Of course, we all have tendencies that show up in other categories. I’m a Zig Zag, but my obsession with being punctual makes my husband kid me about my Angle-ish inclinations. The point of the matrix isn’t to determine your style in a monolithic, unequivocal way, but to point out your dominant type and general tendencies. Understanding your own style—and learning how to pick up on the styles of others—helps you manage how you are perceived as well as your perceptions of those around you.

Table 3-1. Style matrix.¹

Good connections aren’t dependent on falling into the same style quadrant. Somewhat surprisingly, the best and most innovative collaborations are most likely to happen between people whose styles are diagonally opposite on the matrix. Because their approaches to problem solving are so different, they tend to balance one another well. For example, thinking-outside-the-box Zig Zags and detail-oriented Angles often complement one another. Likewise, deadline-driven Straight Lines and consensus-building Circles working together can be extremely productive. Opposite styles may have the most potential for conflict, but they can also have the most potential for results.

However, any mix of styles can connect well. The key is to reduce misperceptions by staying aware of style differences and using them as the basis for playing to one another’s strengths, not augmenting weaknesses until they crowd out everything else and solidify into misperceptions. You can really develop an appreciation for other people whose styles are not the same as yours, especially when they may be able to do things you can’t and, what’s more, don’t want to do, and vice versa. That’s why working with people with differing styles can create powerful connections and collaborations.

By learning to pick up on the clues people give about their styles, you can better understand their priorities and what drives their actions. Then you can adjust your communication tactics so that as other people form their impressions of you, they are not jarred by clashing style differences but rather can see through any differences to the real you. Understanding where other people fall on the matrix also helps you cut through your own possible misconceptions of them.

By the same token, understanding where you fall on the style matrix helps you stay aware of the clues you are putting out there for other people to see. How do those actions impact how you are perceived? And are you creating the best impression of your authentic self?

Keep an Open Mind

One of the most powerful ways to reduce misperceptions that others might form of you is to stay open to how you are shaping your perceptions of them. If you rush to judgment about someone, chances are that person may have the same reaction to you. Monkey see, monkey do. If you don’t want people to make assumptions about you that they automatically consider as facts, be aware of not falling into the same habit. In other words: Stay unconvinced.

It is natural for us to form first impressions when we meet someone. The challenge is to remain open to letting the other person change. All too often we jump to conclusions, but the next time you find yourself forming perceptions too quickly, stop and ask yourself, “How else can I interpret that person, that action, that situation?” People often act based on what they expect someone else’s reaction to be. You can change the outcome of a situation by keeping an open mind and not pigeonholing other people into what you already believe about them. Lead by example, and let it be clear that your perceptions continue to take shape as your connection with someone progresses.

After Erica and I unexpectedly bonded during spring break, I thought back on how I’d acted toward her before our trip. I realized that since I had already decided she was a stuck-up rich girl, I probably hadn’t acted very kindly toward her. In fact, if I was honest, I had treated her exactly the way I thought she was treating me, with thinly veiled contempt. And as my dad would have said, “The world is a mirror.” What I got back was the same frostiness I was giving off. Had I remained open to other interpretations of her behavior, I could have had a great friend even sooner.

More recently I coached Liza, a new manager in her early thirties. She voluntarily shared her feelings with me about one of her colleagues, a woman named Drea, who was also a new manager as well as the mother of a toddler. Liza always felt that Drea was unfriendly. After a few attempts to chat with her, Liza concluded that Drea had no interest in being friendly, so she stopped making an effort.

One Saturday afternoon Liza ran into Drea in the town where they both lived, and they wound up sharing more during those fifteen minutes of chatting on the street than they had in the previous year they’d worked together. It turned out that Drea was having problems with her son and, consequently, feeling overwhelmed by work. That conversation broke the ice. Liza was able to appreciate the pressures Drea was under outside the office, pressures that contributed to her seeming closed and unapproachable, and Drea felt relieved to have her colleague understand her very taxing situation. The two women wound up not only becoming friends, but finding ways to collaborate at work, building on their new appreciations for one another, and becoming even more productive at work in the process.

You never know what else is going on in somebody’s life. If you jump to conclusions about someone based on limited, proscribed interactions, you close the door to the possibility of deepening your connection. Whether with a new acquaintance or an existing relationship, stay open to the possibility that your perceptions aren’t entirely accurate; it just may give you the opportunity to strengthen a bond.

Inconsistent Communications

There are three components that contribute to the signals you send out to other people, and they are often referred to by trainers as the three Vs of communication: verbal (the words you choose), vocal (the tone and animation in your voice), and visual (your facial expressions and body language). The key to transmitting the true you is to be consistent verbally, vocally, and visually when communicating. If not, other people will pick up on your mixed messages and perceive you as being inauthentic or confused.

I was once hired by a top financial services firm to conduct workshops with senior executives about the employee recruitment process. One of the executives, a middle-aged man named Gary, was perhaps the most extreme example of an inconsistent communicator I’ve yet come across. Part of our work involved role-playing final interviews, during which the executive was to express the very real benefits and appeal of working for the company. When Gary and I sat down for the mock interview, he started his spiel in a monotone drone, telling me what a great company it was to work for, rarely making eye contact with me, and acting as if he was reciting a script. It was unbelievable. He was unbelievable, because he was being completely inconsistent in what he was communicating. If it had been an actual situation, and I had been the candidate listening to him offer me the position, there’s no way I would have been convinced by him to accept the offer.

It’s All in Your Body

My mother always told me, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Her words immediately leaped to mind when I came across the work of psychologist Albert Mehrabian. He’s done extensive research to determine how, in a face-to-face setting, someone is most likely to feel about you. In his book Silent Messages, Mehrabian lays out a formula for the factors that constitute a person’s “Total Liking.”

7% Verbal Liking + 38% Vocal Liking + 55% Facial Liking²

In other words, what you say has very little meaning if your body isn’t backing it up. Think about the average teenager who may say “Fine,” with crossed arms and a gaze fixed on the ceiling. The unspoken message here is quite clearly, “No, it is not fine.” When you meet someone for the first time and say, “It’s so nice to meet you,” do you typically use a warm tone of voice, smile, and look that person directly in the eye? Or are you more apt to shyly avert your gaze or speak in a clipped manner that indicates you’re short on time? What are you visually communicating to the other person? Are your vocal (tone) and visual (facial and body) communications backing up your verbal message?

Decide what image you want to portray, then determine how to convey it. Your body language can divulge your disinterest or, conversely, it can affirm your attentiveness and confidence.

Self-Doubt

A common reason our bodies and voices can often give us away is that we are feeling self-doubt. If you don’t believe the message you are trying to transmit, why should anybody else?

In Chapter 2, we discussed the law of self-image and looked at how to connect with our best images of our authentic selves. Remember the advice about how to “choose your words”? Well, to project those best words that define you, you must believe them, and a crucial part of that is projecting through body language. The words you choose represent how you perceive yourself, and how you want others to perceive you. Apply the same techniques we used in Chapter 2 to ensure that other people’s perceptions of you are in line with what you want to express.

Say Nice Things

When you are feeling good about yourself, your positive body language will fall into place. Before walking into a meeting or picking up the phone to make an important call, ask yourself, “What are the words on my list that I want to convey at this moment?” Think about what those words would look like in action, and hold that image in your mind. Realize that you already know what it looks like to successfully transmit the positive message you intend. Forget about the bully on your shoulder; now is the time to champion the cheerleader.

Table 3-2. Vocal and visual communication behaviors.

The key is to think it first and feel it in your body, then let it happen. Authenticity comes from being true to the moment, in the moment. If you get yourself in a positive frame of mind, your body will follow.

Another way to build positive perceptions is by saying nice things to someone else. Spend some time noticing what you admire or appreciate about those around you and how those things positively impact your perceptions of those people, then tell them what you admire. The results are almost always win-win. Compliment a colleague on how he handled a sticky client situation, and you may also walk away with new insights about how to proceed in a difficult situation of your own. The act of putting our impressions into words helps us understand what informs the perceptions we make of other people, and how what we do shapes the perceptions others are making of us.

Even telling a stranger what you admire about her can have a positive impact. Complimenting that woman in front of you in the grocery store checkout line on her coat makes both of you feel good. Saying nice things to people we don’t know can even yield more far-reaching results. My friend Bill likes to ride his bike to the gym, and for a time he kept noticing a beautiful bicycle that was often locked to the rack. One morning as he was leaving, the owner of the bike was there unlocking it. Bill went up to him and told him that he thought the man had the greatest bike he’d ever seen. They ended up chatting for a half-hour and realized that they had all sorts of things in common. The guy was a law professor at the nearby university where Bill had received his marketing degree. The two became friends and not only started biking together but also, on several occasions, recommended clients to one another.

Communicating what we appreciate by saying nice things has powerful results for ourselves and those around us. Opening up a conversation can be opening up a world of new possibilities.

Use Positive Framing

Imagine that you have two direct reports and you ask each of them how things went on a task they’ve just completed. One answers, “It didn’t go nearly as badly as the last time; that last one was a disaster.” The other says, “I learned a lot from the last experience and this time it went much more smoothly.” The content of their responses is not significantly different, but which one has the more positive impact on your perceptions of the employee? The second one, of course. Emphasizing the negative creates a negative impression; emphasizing the positive puts the speaker in a positive light.

In Chapter 2 you learned how external framing can be used to project your positive self-perceptions. The same principle holds true when it comes to affecting the perceptions others have of you. Word choice is a powerful tool for shaping the impressions you want to create. Remember the rules for effective external framing from the last chapter.

• Start with the positive.

• Choose strong actionable verbs.

• Focus on what you can do.

• Translate mistakes into knowledge and opportunity.

If you minimize your accomplishments, that’s what people will believe about you. If you emphasize your accomplishments, that is how you will be perceived. Use the word “I” when applicable, and give other people their due as well. Self-acknowledgment doesn’t need to come across as bragging, and if you do it in an authentic way, it won’t.

Fake It Till You Make It Real

Take the lessons you’ve learned about improving your body language and put them into practice. Stand tall, make direct eye contact, and remember to smile. Even if you’ve still got the training wheels on, once you start presenting the image of yourself that you want others to have, you’ll see that it has a powerful impact. If you seem to believe in yourself, others will too.

When I walked into the office of the head of training at JPMorgan Chase, I entered with confidence, as though I were accustomed to holding these meetings, even though it was the first time I was attempting to sell my not-yet-formed company’s services. But I had been in plenty of client meetings during my tenure at the financial services firm where I previously worked. Thinking back on those experiences helped remind me what comfortable looks and feels like. By tapping into my memories of these similar situations, I leveraged that past experience to instruct myself how to act as if. And I landed the client. How I perceived of myself was how the client perceived of me.

Work from the Outside In

Just as what you wear affects how you feel about yourself, it also has a dramatic impact on how others see you. I remember teaching a weeklong seminar, and when I walked into the room on the first morning there was a woman wrapped in a thick black jacket hunched over one of the tables. The way she held herself, hidden in that dark coat, with something of a scowl on her face, made me assume that she would be cold and reticent. But when I turned to start the session I saw that she had taken off her coat, and underneath was a bright orange top. The vibrant color brought a huge smile to my face, which is what she saw when I greeted her, and she beamed right back.

If she had still been wrapped in the thick, dark jacket, I’m sure our initial encounter would have been more formal, because I would have been approaching her with the less-than-welcoming first impression I’d formed based on her attire, hunched body language, and scowl. Instead the sunshiny hue of her top instantly changed my perception of her, and we were able to connect with one another’s warmth immediately.

Be You, Be Aware, Be Flexible

The power in understanding how our actions create others’ perceptions of us is that we gain significant control over creating those perceptions. Be comfortable being you in a situation, and be aware of the signals you are picking up from others. Use your knowledge about styles to stay flexible and moderate your behavior to the best effect. If you’re a Zig Zag and approach problem solving “from all sides at once,” but you are working with a Straight Line who is focused on achieving the most direct results, rein in some of your Zig Zagging to increase the effectiveness of the collaboration and convey that you can adapt to different situations as needed.

Flexing your style isn’t about imitating another person or suppressing your impulses. It is about fine-tuning your messages to communicate effectively and enable others to perceive the true you.