6
The Law of Listening
“A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something.”
—Wilson Mizner, playwright
One of my executive coaching clients, Jed, is a partner at a leading ad agency. While discussing the impact of good listening, he related a story to me about two young hires, Gerri and Ethan, with whom he’d been working. Gerri and Ethan were both fresh out of college when they joined the agency, with no previous advertising experience. As their team leader, Jed asked them each to sketch out campaign ideas to present to him directly after client meetings so that he could critique their work and help train them as efficiently as possible.
During one initial meeting with a beverage-company client, the client kept using the word fresh when describing the ad campaign he wanted. In the campaign proposals to Jed afterward, Gerri, who’s athletic and an avid hiker, envisioned presenting the product using an outdoor scene of a family enjoying nature. Ethan, who was in a rock band in college, heard “fresh” and thought the client wanted something hip, with lots of young people in the scene.
“Those ideas aren’t fresh!” Jed said to them when he saw their proposed campaigns. “I’ve seen both these types of commercials loads of times. When the client says he wants something ‘fresh,’ he means he wants something he’s never seen before. When you’re meeting with clients, you have to listen to everything they’re saying. You can’t just hear what you think they’re saying—that’s how you get yourselves in trouble.”
The next time the team met with the client about the beverage product, Jed was impressed with how attentive Gerri and Ethan were. Each appeared alert and interested, and asked good questions at appropriate moments. Afterward they collaborated on their follow-up presentation to Jed and suggested an innovative campaign involving animation. Jed liked it so much that he shared it with the rest of the team, and the concept wound up being the inspiration for the campaign the team eventually designed—and which the client loved.
Just as curiosity is all about asking focused, engaged questions to find connections, listening is all about actively hearing and absorbing what is being said. Listening is not a passive activity. It takes energy and concentration to focus on what people are saying and what they mean by it, and to not just hear what you think they mean by it or what you want them to mean by it.
Regardless of where you are in your career, listening is a skill that you must continue to work on. Even executives and colleagues in upper management can find that, while they may listen to what their junior colleagues say, they may not do it as effectively as they could. Listening is a skill that takes constant vigilance. How you listen is just as vital to strong communication as what you say, and it has just as much impact on your likability. It is crucial to do it effectively.
Listen to Understand
As humans, we fundamentally want and need to be understood, and this applies in all realms of our lives, from the personal to the professional. But being understood requires receptive listening on the other end. If we want others to understand us, we need to learn how to truly listen to and understand them. When building relationships, how you listen can be as important as what you have to say. This is the foundation of the law of listening: You have to listen to understand.
Too often we get caught up in our own agendas, concerns, and intentions, and listen on only a surface level. Effective listening is the single most powerful thing you can do to build and maintain a climate of trust and collaboration. Strong listening skills are the foundation for all solid relationships. By listening we can:
• Build trust
• Assess needs
• Identify interests and passions
• Discover commonalities
• Tune in to emotions and energy
• Determine communication preferences
• Uncover known or unidentified concerns
And in the workplace, good listening is also what enables you to:
• Determine what motivates an employee
• Sell more effectively
• Understand the root causes of issues or miscommunications
• Reduce conflict
• Collaborate and innovate with others
Comprehending what you hear, and acting on that comprehension, is fundamental to cultivating connections that allow for personal and professional growth.
Know What Level You Are Listening On
Before we can harness our listening skills to the optimum effect, we need to understand where we are listening from. Think of this as listening at different levels, all of which serve different intentions in the conversation and are collectively important in building relationships. In a way, the different levels reflect the varying degrees of focus and effort required in different settings. As you become more aware of how and when you are listening, you will be able to move more fluidly between the levels as the conversation or situation warrants.
Level 1: Listening In
Inward listening is the most basic level of listening. It is the process of taking what is being said and finding a way to relate it to yourself, filtering what you hear through your own experience. An example puts it in simple terms: When a friend says, “I love that color blue,” and you answer either, “Oh, me too!” or “No, I prefer darker shades.” You are responding based on your own preferences and opinions, whether consciously or unconsciously.
Most people listen on this level most of the time because it is easy and comfortable. It can also be effective. “Listening in” is extremely valuable for establishing commonalities, a component that is critical to creating connections and increasing likability. When we listen on this level, we take in what is being said from our own perspective, finding the ways we can relate to it, which contributes to the development of the conversation. Sharing your views, thoughts, or experiences helps you express empathy. This level of listening fosters self-disclosure, which can make other people feel trusted, which in turn can make them feel more comfortable opening up. By opening up in this way and conveying how you think or feel about the subject at hand, you also communicate your willingness to participate in a dialogue, which also builds trust.
Of course, when taken too far and overrelied on, this level of listening can be limiting. Remember, this is about listening, not seizing the chance to make it all about you. Once I was at a conference talking amicably with a group of other professionals. Another woman came up to the group, listened in for a few moments, and then, when someone in this circle mentioned that he had just led a team analyzing the possible applications of new technology within the company, the woman who had just joined the group said, “Me, too!” and she launched into a blow-by-blow account that completely dominated the conversation. No one else could get a word in edgewise. Then I noticed the looks on the other people’s faces, which made clear everyone was thinking the same thing: “Can you believe how she’s going on?” and “When will she shut up?” Even if we’d wanted to engage this woman, she wasn’t giving us the chance to. She clearly wasn’t picking up on the nonverbal messages of the group; she wasn’t “listening” to what the others were “saying” while she was talking. The situation reminded me of how important it is to not just listen with your ears, but with your eyes, by picking up the unspoken signals others send.
I’ve introduced inward listening first because it is the most common and easiest place to start, but it is best to combine this level of listening with other techniques, moving back and forth between them as the conversation warrants. Use inward listening to establish trust and confidence and to help the conversation along by opening up. Once groundwork has been established and your initial connection with the other person begins building into a relationship, inward listening helps to further strengthen the bond.
Level 2: Listening Out
With outward listening, you are focusing on other speakers and relating what they’re saying to what you know about them. When you are engaged in this level of listening and your friend says she likes the color blue, your response is more along the lines of, “Blue looks really good on you,” or “Why do you like it?” Outward listening leverages the law of curiosity; it’s when you use expansion probes and phrases such as “Tell me more about that,” and “How come?”
The woman at the conference who commandeered the conversation would have been far more effective if she’d expressed her parallel experience with the man who’d just spoken by using an enthusiastic level-one “Me, too!” and then followed up with a level-two question: “What were the details of your project?” She would have established commonality while at the same time seeking to broaden the conversation, a one-two punch of excellent communication and information exchange. Combining the different levels of listening, and moving back and forth between them when appropriate, is a powerful way to build connections through listening.
Level 3: Listening Intuitively
Intuitive listening expands on level-two listening, but instead of just focusing on what the person is saying with his voice, you are paying attention to how it is being said, and to what is not being said. You are picking up on the speaker’s body language and the general vibe you get from the speaker, as well as the words. Intuitive listening is about hearing more than the words that are spoken. When we listen intuitively, we are attuned to the speaker’s tone, facial expressions, and stance. When you are engaged in intuitive listening, you notice that when your friend says she likes the color blue, she does so with a tranquil note in her voice, and you respond, “You seem so calm when you say that. Do you find that color soothing?” You pick up on what is being said, verbalize your perception, and ask for confirmation of it.
To date, my most powerful experience with intuitive listening occurred when I was taking my coaching certification course. Part of the training was to do coaching sessions with other students in groups of three. I was working with my fellow students Ellie and Naomi. It was Naomi’s turn to be the client and Ellie’s turn to be the coach, and I was in the role of observer. Naomi had just gotten married, and she chose the subject of when to have kids as the topic of her coaching session. She launched into a rational analysis, pointing out that her husband was still in business school, and that she was just starting to build her own business. On the other hand, she countered, she was past thirty and worried about waiting too long. Ellie intermittently intervened with questions to advance Naomi’s exploration of the idea.
Suddenly Ellie said to Naomi, “I get the sense that you’re ready to have kids but don’t want to admit it, because you’re afraid your husband isn’t ready. Is that possible?” Naomi stared at her like a deer caught in headlights. Ellie had been listening to what Naomi said, but knowing her classmate a little by this point, she also listened to how she said it. “I think you’re right,” Naomi said, “I am ready. I couldn’t figure out why I was unsettled about it until you said that just now.” By comprehending both the verbal and nonverbal clues, Ellie helped Naomi articulate what she truly felt and thought. Naomi broached the subject with her husband, even though she was hesitant to do so, and it turned out he felt he was ready, too. Two months later she was pregnant.
The key with intuitive listening is to not assume your interpretation of what the person is “saying” is correct. Ellie handled that perfectly, for two reasons: One, she expressed her own interpretation of the situation by using the phrase, “I get the sense …,” and two, she followed up her statement by asking for confirmation, adding, “Is that possible?” She didn’t try to flat-out tell Naomi what she was saying/thinking, as if it was a foregone conclusion, and she checked the accuracy of her assertion by asking Naomi what she thought.
Intuitive listening does not just happen in personal situations. It is extremely effective—critical, even—in professional settings as well. It helps you home in on the nuances of communication and hear the unspoken message. When my coaching client Aaron was promoted, one of his new direct reports was a colleague named Shawn, who’d been his peer before the promotion. Soon after this seniority change was announced, Aaron noticed that Shawn’s behavior toward him seemed to shift. Shawn began responding to Aaron’s questions in a curt fashion, rarely making eye contact and fidgeting restlessly whenever Aaron spoke during meetings.
Aaron spoke to me about his belief that the change in Shawn’s behavior had to do with the fact he had been promoted and Shawn had not. He acknowledged that he wasn’t sure if this was the correct assessment of the situation, so we set out a plan of action to find out. Aaron asked Shawn if they could get together, and he opened their meeting by saying, “I want to address any concerns or discomfort that may exist about the recent change in our roles. Can you help me understand how we might best move forward?”
Shawn was reluctant to discuss the situation at first. Aaron continued to probe by asking, “How can I help you continue to grow professionally?” Once Shawn believed that Aaron truly wanted to create a positive work environment, the conversation began to turn. Shawn opened up about how he felt he’d stopped being given new opportunities at work. As a result of the conversation, Aaron was able to make sure Shawn was put on projects that would let him continue developing his skill sets, and Shawn became one of the most effective employees on Aaron’s new team. By listening intuitively to Shawn and engaging him in conversation, Aaron was able to take an uncomfortable and possibly unproductive dynamic and turn it into something that was mutually beneficial.
Intuitive listening makes people feel as if the other person relates to, empathizes with, and validates them. On a very deep level, it makes them feel heard, so the ability to listen intuitively is a very likable trait. It builds confidence in the connection and helps the speaker feel as if his needs are being understood and addressed.
The key to effective intuitive listening is to know when it is appropriate. It is impossible to maintain this level of engagement all the time; it’s simply too exhausting. And if you demonstrate intuitive listening with people you’ve only recently met or don’t know well, it could seem off-putting to them to be “read” in this way. Use your judgment, and remember that alternating between the three levels of listening at the appropriate moments is the best way to harness the natural give-and-take of a conversation.
When you do engage in intuitive listening, be thoughtful with your tone of voice to make it clear that you are proposing and not assuming, and stay open to being wrong. It is not a bad thing to be wrong in your intuitive listening; it can actually open the door for further connection. Getting to the essence of something is a process, and that is what communication is all about.
Listen Up!
A key part of successful communication, then, is recognizing what level of listening you are engaged in. Now you must build your skills by learning how to listen more effectively.
Get Off Your Pedestal
In the opening story of this chapter, Gerri and Ethan at first can reference only their own definitions of the word fresh. Well, the Merriam-Webster dictionary lists more than fifteen different ways “fresh” can be used. Gerri and Ethan’s problem was that they were consulting only the abridged versions of their own dictionaries, defaulting to the first definition that sprang to mind for each of them.
It only makes sense that we all process information differently, compiling it into our individual dictionaries. How we respond to situations is shaped by what we have already experienced, and these experiences are our reference points.
Put another way, this is what I like to call your pedestal. We spend our lives piling up information, experiences, and encounters, and when we’re in new situations we view them from atop these stockpiles of personal knowledge that we have accumulated over the years. These piles are our pedestals. Although pedestal building is natural, the problem is that no one else is up there with us; no one looks out at the world with the exact same viewpoint we do.
That’s why it is so critical to stay open to the notion that our perceptions might not be entirely accurate, and to continually ask ourselves, “How else can I interpret this situation?” By staying mindful of different possibilities and realities, we create opportunities for increased communication, understanding, and connection.
Use your clarifying probes to further your comprehension of other people’s perspectives, then employ intuitive listening to grasp their full meanings. Step into someone else’s shoes to appreciate their way of thinking—in other words, get off your pedestal!
Listen with Your Eyes
We’ve just learned how intuitive listening is about listening to what’s being communicated nonverbally as much as verbally. It’s about listening with your eyes as well as with your ears. The woman at the conference who suddenly hijacked an otherwise amiable group conversation was oblivious to this concept. Had she been listening with her eyes, she would have “heard” that the others in the group may have had things to contribute but felt as if they were shut out of the conversation while she was talking. As a result, she closed herself off to deepening her connections with that group of associates.
We are constantly in situations where it’s valuable to listen with our eyes. When discussing a possible new project with a group of direct reports, the ones who perk up at the description of the assignment are the ones who we sense have the most enthusiasm, even if they haven’t said so explicitly. Hearing it with our eyes may result in assigning them to the project. When we notice that a boss has forgotten a junior colleague’s name, we might slip the information naturally into the conversation to help the boss out.
This technique can be extremely helpful when determining the right moment to close a conversation, too. Is your client looking at her watch and starting to gather her papers? Take the cue that it’s time to wrap things up. If you are unsure, provide an out for the other person by remarking, “I don’t want to take too much of your time,” or “Would you like some time to think about it?” If the person doesn’t take the bait, you know that she still wants to stay engaged in the current conversation. Use your eyes to hear what’s being expressed in nonverbal ways.
Catch Your Drift: Dealing with Distractions
Active listening can be difficult, in part because the mind is so easily distracted. Passively nodding is one thing, but to really listen you must be alert and attuned. You must be focused.
To make things even more difficult, distractions can compound the distractions. I can’t count how many times I’ve been in the middle of a conversation and suddenly remembered something unrelated that I’d been trying to remember. At that point, I am distracted not just by the thought, but by the process of trying to remember the thought. The result, of course, is that it becomes extremely challenging to give someone my undivided attention.
Over the years I’ve learned some techniques that help me manage my internal interruptions and stop my mind from drifting.
Just Say It
When my mind is caught up in a distraction, the best way for me to handle it isn’t to cover it up but rather to simply say something about it. I don’t blurt out, “Hold on, I’m distracted, I have to cancel my dentist appointment.” But I do find a way to take a mental pause while letting the speaker know I’m still interested in what they are saying. In these circumstances I’ll just say, “Give me a moment. I don’t want to miss the rest of this story, but I’ve just remembered something I don’t want to forget.”
By putting words to your passing thoughts, you lessen the chance that you’ll nonverbally signal, through your facial expressions and body language, that you are distracted and disinterested in the other person. Instead, you can reaffirm that you are interested in what is being said, because you are taking a quick second to eliminate the distraction so that you can prioritize the conversation at hand. Make a habit of this technique. Employ other methods as well (as detailed in the next sections), but always use them in conjunction with the “just say it” rule.
Jot It Down
One of the most effective ways to eliminate distractions is to write them down. Try to carry a pen and paper on you at all times, and at those moments when you can’t, use the note-taking or voice-recording application on your smartphone.
This can also be an extremely effective method for preventing future distractions. When you are in the middle of a meeting or a conversation and hear something or have a thought that you don’t want to forget, write it down. It will prevent you from getting distracted trying to remember it later. You don’t need to copy things down in full sentences; just capture a few key words or phrases to jolt your memory and help bring the thoughts back to the surface when you look at the notes later on.
Invite Them Along
I was at a neighborhood party one evening soon after we’d moved to a new town, and didn’t know anyone there except my husband. Famished, I only half-jokingly said to my new neighbors that I was so distracted by my hunger I couldn’t follow the conversation until the guy with the chicken skewers came back around. Attempting to lure the hors d’oeuvres bearers to our corner of the room became a game. It turned out that I wasn’t the only one who hadn’t had a chance to eat before the event, and our joking around was a great icebreaker that kept the conversation flowing for the rest of the night.
Thirst is another distraction that can have a positive spin. When excusing yourself to the bar, ask if you can bring drinks back for the people you’ve been speaking with. This shows your consideration as well as your interest in continuing the conversation. Or you can ask if anyone wants to join you in heading to the bar. It’s another great way to stay in conversation with one or two people from the group and possibly mingle with new people at the same time as you proceed through the crowd.
Interject, or Postpone and Follow Up
Sometimes our minds drift because we’re tired and not all that interested in the topic of conversation at hand. When that happens, try to rejuvenate the discussion. An interesting new topic can inject unexpected energy into the situation. Use a question or story about something related to the current conversation to lead it down a new path. Don’t abruptly go off-topic, because that will feel jarring to most other people, but try to tap into the stimulation that a lively discussion holds.
For those times when you are simply too exhausted to muster the energy it takes to connect, it’s best to just be honest about it and see if you can postpone the discussion. We’re all busy, and people truly do understand exhaustion. Go ahead and “just say it,” and find out if you can reschedule. The key here is ensuring that the other person doesn’t feel blown off. You want to communicate that the encounter is important to you, but you are currently not in the best state to engage or connect. Demonstrate your willingness to reengage later by following up, and following up fast. Since you were the one to postpone, take the initiative to make the next meeting happen.
How Well Do You Listen?
During my first week in business school, one of my professors said, “Society is an easier place for the extrovert.” This is a provocative statement, and I’ve continued thinking about it over the years. I do agree that it’s basically true, but I also think introverts possess unique skills that are extremely helpful when building relationships and growing connections. Introverts tend to think before they speak and listen before they talk. They are more inclined to ask than to tell, and this makes them far better suited than extroverts to embrace the laws of curiosity and listening.
Being aware of your listening style, understanding how natural listening is for you and where you might improve your skills, is one of the first steps in harnessing the full power of the law of listening. Listening is a crucial skill, and it is one that can be acquired. So work on making your skills even better.
DO |
DON’T |
Maintain eye contact |
Interrupt |
Limit your talking |
Show signs of impatience |
Focus on the speaker |
Judge or argue mentally |
Ask questions |
Multitask during a conversation |
Manage your emotions |
Project your ideas |
Listen with your eyes and ears |
Think about what to say next |
Listen for ideas and opportunities |
Have expectations or preconceived ideas |
Remain open to the conversation |
Become defensive or assume you are being attacked |
Confirm understanding, paraphrase |
Use condescending, aggressive, or closed body language |
Give nonverbal messages that you are listening (nod, smile) |
Listen with biases or closed to new ideas |
Ignore distractions |
Jump to conclusions or finish someone’s sentences |
Improve Your Listening
Remember, we all have room for improvement. First, give yourself credit for the things you are already doing well. Consciously acknowledging our strengths reinforces them.
Next, review the behaviors that you’ve determined you need to work on, and make a plan. How are you going to improve your listening in this area? Reread the Catch Your Drift section for some ideas on managing mental interruptions and maintaining your mental focus. Everyone’s plan will be different.
You can also convert your weaknesses into strengths by using them as connection points in conversation. If you know that “limit your talking” is something you want to work on (because during conversations you are prone to enthusiastically interjecting in a way that can come off as interrupting), tell people in a light but forthright tone, “If I interrupt, just stop me.” For people who already do a good job of appropriately limiting their talking, it can be jarring to feel as if they’ve been interrupted. By asking them to flag the “interrupting” behavior when you do it, you accomplish two things: You make the other person aware that you are actively trying to be a better listener, and you get help noticing when the negative behavior kicks in. The more that you notice this behavior, the easier it will be to correct it. If at first you need help realizing when you’re doing it, don’t feel bad. Soon you’ll start catching it yourself and be able to adjust it on your own.
Good Listening Is a Win-Win
Listening on deeper levels is not just about paying close attention to the other person. It is about actively participating in building the relationship. And it is also about you. As an effective listener, you will establish stronger connections with the people you engage, you’ll have a more robust understanding of what is being said, and you’ll get more out of conversations on the whole.
Natan, a former client of mine and now a friend, verbalized this idea so well to me one day. I had expressed how much I enjoyed talking to him, in part because I felt like he really listened to me. “You make me feel as if you are hanging on my every word,” I remember saying. “I feel not only listened to, but cared about.” Natan smiled and said, “I wasn’t always such a great listener.” It wasn’t until he realized how not listening well made people feel disconnected and ignored that he slowed down and began trying to really listen. And when he did, he explained, “I saw how much I’d been missing from most conversations!” He considered his efforts to enhance his listening skills the single most beneficial thing he’d done yet to improve his life, both personally and professionally.
Listening well is a pathway to implementing other laws of lik-ability. In the previous chapter we’ve seen how it serves the law of curiosity. In Chapter 7, we’ll discuss how it can enhance the law of similarity, and in Chapter 8 we’ll look at how it impacts what I call “mood memory.” Listening is a powerful building block: Continue improving your listening skills and your likability will naturally increase.