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Actions That Enhance Powerful Phrases

You might think communication is just the words you speak, but it involves much more than words. Your nonverbal actions actually communicate more than what you say. That's because your words convey your message, but your actions convey the feelings and emotions behind it. Nonverbal communication is the actions you take as you speak and listen. If used effectively, these actions enhance your powerful phrases.

Nonverbal communication is comprised of body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and level of assertiveness. Body language includes your stance, posture, arm-and-hand movements, and gestures. Facial expressions are your mouth, eye, and eyebrow movements. Tone of voice, though verbal in nature, is considered a nonverbal action because your tone communicates what you're feeling. Assertiveness is reflected outward by acting confidently and with self-assurance. Even when you think before you speak and choose your words wisely, if your nonverbal actions don't agree with your verbal message, it can confuse the other person, who's more likely to assess the message based on your nonverbal actions than on what you said.

Your nonverbal actions have a direct affect on how others view you. They can increase your ability to get along and communicate well with your peers and boss or create a problem between you and another person. Just going about your daily work routine may cause someone to view you negatively. Let's say that you usually greet your coworkers with a facial expression that projects a lack of interest, you don't make eye contact when you speak to others, you speak in a tone tinged with boredom, and you never speak up or defend yourself. It's likely your coworkers will keep you at arm's length or take advantage of you. However, you can learn to use nonverbal actions to your advantage. Let's say that you always maintain a friendly facial expression, make eye contact when conversing, use a calm and nonthreatening tone, and speak assertively when explaining your actions. Then it's likely that others will view you as friendly, open, confident, and self-assured.

Whenever you communicate, it's important that your actions match your words, but especially so when resolving a problem. As you read this chapter, practice the nonverbal actions you're learning so that they become natural rather than forced. When you present yourself well through your body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and assertive actions, you enhance the message you're voicing. And when you're comfortable matching your actions with your words in regular conversations, you'll find it easier to control your actions when confronting a coworker in a conflict resolution conversation.

Nonverbal actions can also be helpful in determining other people's feelings and emotions. For example, if you begin a conflict resolution dialogue with a coworker by saying: “I was surprised that you took credit for creating a problem-solving team when I was the one who approached you about it,” and your coworker responds by saying: “I'm sorry. I didn't realize I did that,” it sounds as though your coworker is taking responsibility. But if, as your coworker delivers these words, he gets an arrogant look on his face, gestures as if he doesn't know what you're talking about, and speaks in a disrespectful tone, your understanding of the message changes completely, doesn't it?

As you see, actions play an important role in all communication. The better you understand your own actions, the better you'll be able to understand other people's actions. This will enable you to communicate more effectively and establish constructive and productive dialogues.

Resolving Conflict: The Wrong Way

Andrew and his coworker, James, have been working on a project to develop a new program to increase sales revenue in their department. They were slated to present their interim report to the vice president of marketing during yesterday's staff meeting. Andrew and James had spent a lot of time practicing their joint presentation and decided that each would speak about different key aspects of their proposal. James volunteered to go first and provide an overview of their project. Andrew waited for his turn to present the details, but James continued speaking and handled the entire presentation. Andrew's dismay turned to feelings of betrayal when James took most of the credit for the project, merely mentioning that Andrew helped and thanking him for his contributions. Because it wouldn't have looked professional to interrupt James, Andrew sat through the presentation in stunned silence. By the end of the presentation, he was seething but managed to keep a neutral facial expression.

After the meeting, Andrew was so angry he couldn't take it anymore. He thought first before approaching James and planned what he wanted to say: “I was really stunned that you handled the entire presentation. That wasn't how we practiced it, and it made me look like I hadn't contributed as much as you.” (“I” phrase) But Andrew hadn't given any thought to how he'd control his emotions. He spoke in an angry tone, crossed his arms in front of his body, and the neutral expression he was able to maintain during the meeting turned to an indignant glare.

James replied: “I'm sorry. It's just that once I got going it didn't seem appropriate to break up the presentation.”

Andrew paid close attention to James's actions when he spoke. James raised his eyebrows, shook his head casually, shrugged his shoulders, and looked beyond Andrew rather than making make eye contact. His tone was dismissive, which made Andrew even angrier. Clearly, James didn't feel sorry at all, but only said the words to appease Andrew.

Andrew blurted out sarcastically: “Well, when it's time to give the final presentation I'll handle it. And I'll be sure to thank you for your help, just like you thanked me for helping you.”

James shrugged his shoulders and said: “Hey, why don't you man up? It was only the interim presentation, not a big deal.”

Andrew retorted: “Not a big deal? Just wait until the final presentation. Then you can decide how big a deal it is.”

Why This Doesn't Work

Andrew had a right to be upset when James controlled the presentation and took credit for the project. And, although Andrew thought about how to approach James to avoid this scenario when they gave the final presentation, he sent James a negative message by beginning his conversation, crossing his arms in front of his body and using an angry tone. As a result, James responded dismissively. Although the right words were spoken, both men's actions conveyed their true feelings. When James trivialized the situation, Andrew's tone turned to sarcasm and the conversation quickly degraded to a derogatory banter between the coworkers. Unless they're able to resolve this conflict in a more productive manner, it's going to be extremely tough for them to work cohesively, complete this project, and plan for their final presentation.

Body Language

Anytime you're communicating, it's important to be aware of your body language because your posture, stance, movements, and gestures send very clear signals. How you stand or sit and what you do with your hands provide clues to what you're feeling and what you're thinking. They even reveal what you think of yourself. Whether you stand or sit up straight or slump, you send a message. Whether you allow your hands to fall naturally at your sides or fidget with them, you send a message. And, whether you use controlled gestures to enhance your message or gesture exaggeratedly, you send a message.

In addition, body language is affected by a person's level of comfort when it comes to proximity and personal space. Whenever someone gets too close and starts invading our space, our discomfort increases instantly. Once someone enters it, a person's body language communicates exactly what he or she is feeling. When your space is invaded, you're likely to back up, distance yourself from the invader, and reclaim your personal space before feeling comfortable continuing the conversation. So always be mindful of other people's personal space. If you notice that a person with whom you're speaking is continually leaning back or stepping away, it's time to back off.

In casual or normal conversations, body language should be easy to control once you form good habits. But when your emotions are heightened, your body language is likely to be more exaggerated. You may move around more than normal. You may cross your arms in front of you as a defensive signal. You may point your finger at the person or gesture wildly. And, you may move into someone's personal space. That's why practicing your body language actions before you enter into a conflict resolution conversation will help you stay mindful of the image you're projecting.

Sample Body Language

If you want to be viewed as confident, competent, capable, composed, and comfortable in your surroundings, form the following habits:

• Stand or sit up straight.
• Hold your head high.
• Maintain good posture.
• Relax your shoulders.
• Keep a relaxed stance by standing with equal weight on both feet.
• Allow your hands to fall naturally at your sides or fold them in front of you in a relaxed position.
• Keep your hands out of your pockets.
• Try not to fidget.
• Use controlled gestures to enhance your message, allowing them to flow naturally.
• Stand about two to four feet from the other person.

Reading Other People's Body Language

Watch for these actions in other people:

• Stooped shoulders, which may signal a lack of confidence.
• Fidgeting with hands, which may signal nervousness or agitation.
• Hands on hips, which may be a sign of impatience or aggression.
• Arms crossed in front of the body, which could mean the person is defensive or frustrated.
• Wild gesturing, which may be a sign of anger, excitement, or agitation.
• Backing up, which probably means that you're invading their personal space.

If you notice any of these signals, maintain a relaxed demeanor and stay calm. Doing so may help the other person calm down.

Incorporating Body Language

Even though Andrew was angry, he thought about what he wanted to say to James. He also knew it was important to present himself in a composed manner so that his message would be understood as intended.

When he saw James, he said: “I was really stunned that you handled the entire presentation. That wasn't how we practiced it, and it made me look like I hadn't contributed as much as you.” (“I” phrase) As he spoke, Andrew maintained a confident demeanor. He held his head high, maintained good posture, kept his hands by his sides, and did not fidget or gesture.

Facial Expressions

Your face can easily be a snapshot of what you're feeling, especially if you're angry, upset, or emotional about a situation. Facial expressions and eye and eyebrow movements can be powerful communication tools when used to complete the message you're vocalizing. But our facial expressions often are automatic responses to what we're feeling. Whether we're happy or sad, it's going to show. And, when we're angry or upset, it's natural to project those feelings outward by scowling, furrowing our brows, narrowing our eyes, and pursing our lips. The good news is that with practice you'll avoid wearing your emotions on your face. You can form positive habits and use facial expressions to your advantage, without looking stone faced. Rather, you can come across as concerned, sincere, interested, and calm. When you control your facial expressions, your listener is apt to be more open to the message you're delivering. Let's face it: no one wants to launch into a conversation with an angry-looking coworker!

In addition to controlling your facial expression, learn to smile frequently. A smile is one of the most positive and uplifting body language messages you can send, even when confronting someone about a problem. A sincere smile shows that you're open, willing to listen to the other person, and interested in talking through the situation. If you can't smile about a situation that's upset or angered you, then just turning your mouth muscles slightly upward projects a pleasant expression.

Eye contact is another important component of facial expressions, but it can be a tough habit to form. When you begin any conversation, make a conscious effort to look directly at the other person's eyes. Then maintain eye contact that's comfortable, glancing away and bringing your focus back occasionally so that you don't look as though you're glaring. Along with eye contact, your eyebrow movement can enhance or detract from your message. Raised eyebrows convey interest, enthusiasm, shock, or excitement. Furrowed brows may signal concern, confusion, or anger. Use your eyebrows to your advantage, but don't overdo it by continually raising or furrowing your eyebrows or the other person is likely to focus more on why you're doing that than on listening to your message.

Sample Facial Expressions

To enhance the body language actions you learned, complete the image you want to project by becoming comfortable doing the following:

• Calm down and maintain a concerned and sincere expression rather than an angry scowl if you're feeling angry or upset.
• Hold your head up straight rather than lowering it to the floor or tilting it to one side.
• Smile when appropriate.
• Turn the ends of your mouth upward slightly to convey friendliness when you want to keep a neutral expression.
• Maintain eye contact, but not to the degree that you appear to be staring. Shift your gaze away occasionally.
• Use your eyebrows once in a while to enhance your message. Raise them to show interest or excitement. Furrow them to convey concern or confusion.
• Nod from time to time to show that you're actively listening.

Reading Other People's Facial Expressions

Look for the following facial expressions that provide clues to a person's emotional state:

• Lowering the head and looking downward, which could mean the person is ashamed or trying to avoid you.
• Tilting the head to one side, which could signal confusion or a challenge to what you're saying.
• Pursing lips or downturning the mouth, which can be signs of anger, distrust, or sadness.
• Looking past you, or down, or up, which may signal discomfort, guilt, distrust, or dishonesty.
• Frequent blinking, which is often a signal of discomfort or distress.
• Furrowing brows, which may signal anger, agitation, or confusion.
• Raising brows, which may signal enthusiasm, surprise, amazement, or disbelief.

Incorporating Facial Expressions

When Andrew saw James, he said: “I was really stunned that you handled the entire presentation. That wasn't how we practiced it, and it made me look like I hadn't contributed as much as you.” (“I” phrase) As he spoke, he held his head up high, maintained good posture, kept his hands by his sides, and did not fidget or gesture. He made eye contact with James, his facial expression showed concern, and he smiled slightly to show sincerity.

Tone of Voice

Voice tone is also considered a nonverbal action because how you say something truly is more important that what you're saying. For example, if you open a conversation with an “I” phrase, such as: “I need to talk to you about something,” the meaning will be understood by your tone, which, conveys how you feel. It's important that your tone conveys the correct message. So, when you begin a conflict resolution conversation by saying, “I need to talk to you about something,” speaking in a neutral or concerned tone is your best bet to receive a positive response.

In addition to your tone, your message is affected by how loudly and how fast you speak. If you're trying to remain calm when you feel upset about something, speaking softly and slowly will actually help you calm down. Further, the sounds you make when listening can show whether you understand, agree with, or are confused by the message. When you say “ahh,” “hmm,” “oh,” or “mhmm,” it shows that you're up to speed with the conversation. When you utter “hmm?” or “oh?,” it signals you're confused or don't agree with what you're hearing.

Sample Tone of Voice

To communicate effectively, it's important to match your voice tone to your emotions, but it's also important to control your voice tone when resolving conflict. For example:

• When beginning your conversation, speak in a tone that sounds professional and nonthreatening.
• Throughout your conversation, use your tone to enhance your message by showing concern and empathy.
• If you notice that your tone is reflecting that you're feeling upset or confused about a situation, try to also show that you're interested in working together toward a positive solution.

Reading Other People's Tone of Voice

Listen to how the other person is speaking to you to pick up clues to their emotions.

• If the person sounds angry, speak softly and calmly.
• If the person sounds confused, provide more details to explain your position.
• If the person sounds guilty or embarrassed, smile sympathetically and say something to ease his or her discomfort.
• If the person sounds dismissive, speak in a concerned tone and state why you feel the way you do.
• If the person is speaking quickly or loudly, control your voice by speaking slowly and softly, as that may help the other person calm down.

Incorporating Tone of Voice Actions

When Andrew saw James, he said: “I was really stunned that you handled the entire presentation. That wasn't how we practiced it, and it made me look like I hadn't contributed as much as you.” (“I” phrase) As he spoke, he held his head up high, maintained good posture, kept his hands by his sides, and did not fidget or gesture. He made eye contact with James, his facial expression showed concern, and he smiled slightly to show sincerity. He began the conversation by speaking in a neutral tone, but changed to a concerned tone when he said that wasn't how they practiced the presentation.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a state of mind that's projected outward as confidence and self-assurance. Although it is sometimes confused with aggressiveness, there's a distinct difference between the two. Assertiveness means saying what's on your mind, carefully choosing your words, matching your actions to what you're saying, and being respectful toward the other person. Aggressiveness means saying what's on your mind when it comes to mind, giving no thought as to how you're going to present yourself, and ignoring the nonverbal signals you send. If you act aggressively, you'll likely come across as angry, arrogant, bossy, or egotistical. Therefore, when you want to resolve conflict, project assertiveness by acting confidently and self-assuredly. The other person is then more likely to listen to you.

Assertiveness is an important life skill to develop. It shows that you care enough to stand up for yourself constructively and respectfully. However, most people aren't born assertive; it's a learned skill. To gain confidence when approaching another person, learn to think through a situation before speaking, view the situation from the other person's perspective, and plan how you want to present yourself. To be assertive, you need to speak and act confidently. When you practice doing that, your comfort level will grow until assertiveness becomes part of your persona.

Sample Assertiveness

Assertiveness is reflected outward through the following actions:

• Speaking with confidence.
• Expressing your views clearly.
• Speaking objectively.
• Staying calm.
• Controlling your emotions when stating your position.
• Apologizing no more than necessary.
• Refusing to back down or allow someone to verbally bully you.
• Showing respect and consideration toward the other person.

Reading Other People's Level of Assertiveness

Knowing how to read the other person's level of assertiveness will enhance your ability to work through a problem.

• If the person immediately backs down, show compassion. Try to draw them back into the conversation so that you may work toward a win–win solution. Never take advantage of a person who isn't assertive.
• If the person becomes angry or aggressive, remain calm. Speak in a soft, controlled voice. It may help to address that person's emotions by saying something like: “I understand that you're angry about this. Let's talk it out and find a solution we both agree to.” By remaining calm and speaking softly, you'll help the other person calm down.

Incorporating Assertiveness

When Andrew saw James, he said: “I was really stunned that you handled the entire presentation. That wasn't how we practiced it, and it made me look like I hadn't contributed as much as you.” (“I” phrase) As he spoke, he held his head up high, maintained good posture, kept his hands by his sides, and did not fidget or gesture. He made eye contact with James, his facial expression showed concern, and he smiled slightly to show sincerity. He began the conversation by speaking confidently and assertively using a neutral tone, but changed to a concerned tone when he said that wasn't how they practiced the presentation.

Resolving Conflict: The Right Way

Andrew and his coworker, James, have been working on a project to develop a new program to increase sales revenue in their department. They were slated to present their interim report to the vice president of marketing during yesterday's staff meeting. Andrew and James had spent a lot of time practicing their joint presentation and decided that each would speak about different the key aspects of their proposal. James volunteered to go first part and provide an overview of their project. Andrew awaited for his turn to present the details, but James continued speaking and handled the entire presentation. Andrew's dismay turned to feelings of betrayal when James took most of the credit for the project, merely mentioning that Andrew helped and thanking him for his contributions. Because it wouldn't have looked professional to interrupt James, Andrew sat through the presentation in stunned silence. By the end of the presentation he was seething but managed to keep a neutral facial expression.

When Andrew saw James, he said: “I was really stunned that you handled the entire presentation. That wasn't how we practiced it, and it made me look like I hadn't contributed as much as you.” (“I” phrase) As he spoke, he held his head up high, maintained good posture, kept his hands by his sides, and did not fidget or gesture. He made eye contact with James, his facial expression showed concern, and he smiled slightly to show sincerity. He began the conversation by speaking assertively using a neutral tone, but changed to a concerned tone when he said that wasn't how they practiced the presentation.

James replied: “I'm sorry. It's just that once I got going it didn't seem appropriate to break up the presentation.”

Andrew paid close attention to James's actions when he spoke. James raised his eyebrows, shook his head glibly, shrugged his shoulders, looked beyond Andrew rather than making make eye contact, and used a dismissive tone. Clearly, James didn't feel sorry at all, but only said the words to appease Andrew.

Andrew thought that James might respond in this manner, but he did not back down or lose his confidence. He maintained his relaxed stance, continued to make eye contact, and spoke in a concerned tone. “I can understand that during the presentation you might have felt that way. (understanding) But, since we both contributed equally throughout this project, I would have appreciated being able to take part in the presentation.” (“I” phrase) Andrew paused to give James a chance to respond, still paying close attention to his nonverbal actions.

James crossed his arms in front of his body and looked down. He shrugged his shoulders and replied: “Well, what can I say? What's done is done.”

Andrew was dismayed that James didn't seem to understand how he felt during the presentation, but it was important that they resolve the issue. “Yes, you're right, what's done is done. But I'd like to talk this out so we can agree on how to handle the next presentation.” (compromise)

James relaxed his stance, dropping his hands to his sides. “Sure.”

Andrew then reiterated: “I hope you can look at this from my point of view. Let's say that I started the presentation and when it was your turn to speak, I continued and handled the entire presentation. When you did that to me, I really felt devalued.” (“I” phrase)

James furrowed his brows and nodded. “You're right. I wouldn't have liked that done to me. Hey man, I'm really sorry. I guess I just got caught up in the excitement of all the work we put into this.”

“I totally see where that could happen. (understanding) During the next presentation, I'd like to speak first. And I promise that I'll turn it over to you when it's your turn. How does that sound?” (compromise)

“I agree. And I wouldn't blame you if you decided to handle it all.” He laughed. Andrew smiled warmly.

“No, a deal's a deal. I'll speak first but we'll each handle a portion of the presentation.” They shook hands and then Andrew added: “I'm glad we talked about this.” (resolution)

James nodded and smiled.

Andrew added: “We've worked so well up to this point I wouldn't want anything to cause a rift between us.” (reconciliation)

Why This Works

When Andrew thought about how to confront James, he also thought about his actions. He knew James was a headstrong person who wasn't likely to take responsibility for what he did, so Andrew wanted to make sure he spoke and acted assertively. As he rehearsed what he wanted to say, he also practiced his body language and facial expressions. He wanted to look relaxed yet confident and be sure he maintained eye contact.

Because he also paid close attention to James's actions, Andrew discerned that as soon as the conversation began, James assumed a defensive pose. So, when James dismissively shrugged his shoulders and replied, “what's done is done,” Andrew didn't back down. Instead, he assertively responded with a phrase of compromise. The two men were then able to continue their dialogue in a constructive manner, with Andrew taking the lead and offering phrases of compromise, resolution, and reconciliation. Because Andrew was assertive and used his nonverbal actions to enhance his message, the two men were able to come to an agreement and it's likely that he and James will be able to plan the next presentation without further problems.