6

Powerful Phrases for Situations You Cause

When someone causes a problem for you, choosing powerful phrases and sending appropriate nonverbal messages will help you communicate in a constructive manner, no matter the depth of the problem or the person involved. It will take time to build your confidence, but don't underestimate your ability to handle conflict. If you work through the five steps to effective conflict resolution presented in Chapter 3, even if awkwardly at first, you'll reinforce your skills. When you see successful outcomes, you'll gain confidence in your ability to resolve any problem.

But what happens when you're the cause of a problem? What happens when you offend someone or stick your foot in your mouth and say something inappropriate? If you're aware that you caused a problem, don't ignore it. Take the initiative and head the other person off at the pass before he or she confronts you. Think about what you said and how it may have affected the other person. Decide what you want to say to make amends.

When you speak to the person, the first words out of your mouth should always be a phrase of apology, followed by a definition of the problem: “I'm so sorry I said derogatory things about your proposal during our meeting.” (apology) If you feel it's warranted, offer an explanation: “Honestly, I didn't realize how it sounded until the words flew out of my mouth. Then, I was too mortified to say anything else.” (“I” phrase) It's likely that the other person has the same interpretation as you, so rather than ask questions to gain a better understanding, reiterate your definition of the problem, showing empathy: “The problem is that I didn't think before I blurted that out, and I understand if you're upset or angry with me.” (understanding) Now give the other person a chance to respond. He might say: “Oh, it didn't bother me at all.” Or she might reply: “You're darn right. I was angry.” Either way, offer a compromise: “Going forward, I promise that I'll do my best to think before I open my mouth.” (compromise) End the conversation with phrases of resolution and reconciliation: “Thanks for being so nice about this. (resolution) I want to keep our working relationship strong.” (reconciliation) That's all there is to it. When you take the bull by the horns and own up to making a mistake, the response is likely to be positive, the conversation is likely to be quick, and you'll keep all your working relationships strong.

There will be times, though, when something you've said or done bothers another person…and you aren't even aware of it. If the person is skilled in effectively dealing with conflict, your conversation will be resolved by moving through the steps. But what happens when the other person isn't skilled in conflict resolution? In that event, he or she may speak in generalities or resort to passive–aggressive measures, such as ignoring you or giving you an angry look, in which case you're going to have to discern what the problem is. Or, the person might directly confront you in an accusatory tone, yell at you, say something hurtful, or attack your character. The point of these personal attacks is to make you feel bad and put you in your place. And, that's usually the result.

When that happens, you'll have difficulty maintaining your composure. Let's face it: We enjoy being on the receiving end of compliments, but we don't enjoy being on the receiving end of criticisms, especially when they're delivered in a spiteful, mean-spirited manner. You may find negative feedback tough to swallow, but you can benefit from it if you take the time to listen, assess it, decide whether it's valid and, if it is, use the feedback as a catalyst for change.

So how do you respond to someone who angrily or emotionally blames you for something? Take a step back, rein in your emotions, and inhale deeply. Think about the feedback with an open mind. Look at the situation from the other person's perspective. Put aside your pride. Take the words to heart. Whether the feedback is valid, you upset this person and you're going to have to resolve the conflict to move forward. Follow the five steps, and you'll be able to turn the conversation around, resolve the issue, and move on.

Resolving Conflict: The Wrong Way

Jodie worked as a reporter for a local newspaper and was editing an article she had written when Ted, her coworker, walked into her cubicle. Catching her off guard, he angrily lashed out: “You always ignore me when I ask you questions or try to talk to you. I don't understand why you do that to me, and I'm really sick of it. I don't deserve to be treated this way, and it makes you look like you think you're better than me. It's rude.”

He glared at Jodie, who was aghast at what he said. She prided herself on getting along with her coworkers and on being helpful and supportive toward all of her colleagues, including Ted. She was so appalled she shot back: “I don't know what you're talking about, and I certainly don't appreciate what you're saying. I don't always ignore you. If I don't answer your questions maybe it's because you ask stupid ones that don't warrant answers. Did you ever think of that? And, by the way, I'm not rude. I get along with everyone. Everyone else, that is.”

Ted spoke brusquely: “Oh, you think so! Well I beg to differ with you. And I'm sorry if you think I ask stupid questions. Maybe if you got off your high horse once in a while you'd be nicer to people. And yes. You are rude!” He didn't wait for an answer, but rather stomped off, leaving Jodie stewing about his nerve speaking to her as he did.

Why This Doesn't Work

When Ted confronted Jodie in an antagonistic manner, she immediately became defensive and aggressively defended herself, rather than taking time to recover, regroup, and think how to best respond. That wouldn't have taken long to do, but she spoke without thinking and, by doing so, she spoke to him as he had spoken to her, lashing out angrily. Until now, Jodie had always prided herself on being able to get along with her coworkers. She felt she communicated well with them and was able to resolve any problem effectively. But this was different, she convinced herself. This was a direct attack on her character, and she had the right to defend herself. Jodie concluded that Ted caught her off guard and, as a result, she didn't have time to prepare herself to have a constructive conversation. She tried to convince herself that she had a right to speak to him as he spoke to her, yet she regretted losing control.

Later, after thinking about what he said, Jodie admitted to herself that on occasion she had pretended that she didn't hear him. But that was because he asked her questions without noticing that she was at a crucial point in her writing. When she was so involved with what she was working on, redirecting her attention to answer his question would have caused her to lose her concentration. So, at times, she pretended not to hear. She wanted to explain that to Ted but she was still angry with the manner in which he blasted her—and embarrassed that she lost her composure—so she ignored him the rest of the day. The next day they were cool to each other. As time went on, Jodie kept replaying what Ted said and, every time she did, she'd remind herself that she had a right to feel angry. Consequently, their working relationship was strained.

Step 1: Think First

You know that before responding to any statement or question you should always think first and choose your words wisely, but that isn't always easy to do when someone confronts you with negative feedback. It may be nearly impossible when that person also attacks your character because you become emotional and feel hurt or angry. Your likely response, like Jodie's, is to stick up for yourself. You want to immediately counteract the accusation, but the problem with sticking up for yourself without thinking first is that you're going to react defensively. When you lose control, you're apt to continue down that path, saying things that you'll later regret. And, when you do that, it's going to be nearly impossible to recover and enter into a productive conflict resolution dialogue. Anger and resentment usually accompany defensiveness, and you'll be more likely to focus on those emotions than to think logically. But thinking logically is what you must train your mind to do when someone confronts you, especially in a poor manner.

So, take a moment to recover from the onslaught of words. Pause before you respond. Bite your tongue if necessary. Calm your thoughts and compose yourself. Focus on listening carefully without interrupting. Your gut reaction will be to interrupt, explain, or disagree. Don't. No matter the means in which the message is conveyed to you, listen attentively. Understand that the person giving you feedback may not have learned the components of effectively resolving conflicts, so always allow the person to finish without interrupting.

As you're listening, maintain a neutral or concerned facial expression. Listen actively by maintaining eye contact, but don't overreact by raising your eyebrows, opening your mouth, or clenching your teeth. Breathe deeply to help you maintain your composure. Keep your body language relaxed and refrain from crossing your arms in front of you or tensing up.

No matter how much you might want to, don't respond. And don't allow yourself to become defensive. Take a moment to process what the person is telling you. If, like Ted, the person uses the words “always” or “never,” ignore those words because they're usually voiced in anger or frustration. Ask yourself what the person is really telling you. Quickly assess whether the feedback is valid. Whatever you decide, the other person has a problem, so you'll need to resolve the issue. Think how best to respond, then continue the dialogue using the five-step process to reach an agreement.

Key Points

Practice the following to help you think first:

• Focus on listening carefully without interrupting. Allow the person to get it all out.
• When you're listening, don't react. Keep your facial expressions neutral, and don't show anger or shock. Keep your demeanor relaxed, and refrain from crossing your arms or tensing your body.
• Don't become defensive.
• Stay calm and composed, as this will help you process the information logically.
• Pause before responding.
• Always think before you speak. Assess the feedback and plan your response.
• Decide how to respond, focusing on following the five-step process.

Taking Time to Think About a Conflict

Jodie worked as a reporter for a local newspaper and was editing an article she had written when Ted, her coworker, walked into her cubicle. Catching her off guard, he angrily lashed out: “You always ignore me when I ask you questions or try to talk to you. I don't understand why you do that to me, and I'm really sick of it. I don't deserve to be treated this way, and it makes you look like you think you're better than me. It's rude.”

He glared at Jodie, who was aghast at what he said. Her immediate thought was to defend herself against his accusation, especially when he said she always ignored him because she knew that wasn't true. Just as she felt her own anger bubbling up, Jodie composed herself. She didn't respond, and she didn't react. Rather, she projected a concerned facial expression and placed her hands in her lap when he was speaking. She calmed her racing thoughts by breathing deeply and slowly as she processed the negative feedback. She knew that Ted was partially correct; on occasion, she had ignored him. However, she only did that when switching gears to answer him would have caused her to lose her train of thought. She thought about how to respond in a constructive manner so that they could resolve the conflict effectively.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

It doesn't matter how the message was delivered or whether you agree. You listened carefully, processed the message, and thought about how you want to proceed with the dialogue. Say something positive to put the other person at ease: “I appreciate that you let me know about this. Let's talk about it.” (compromise) Or “Thank you for sharing that with me. I'd like to discuss it further.” (compromise) Keep in mind that even if you don't agree with the feedback, something you said or did prompted the criticism. Delving further and making sure you understand where the person is coming from will help you know what initiated the feedback and how to proceed.

Not only do you want to gain a better understanding of the problem, it's important to make sure that you both have the same understanding. You'll want to know what the key issue is, so you'll likely have to wade through the emotional words that are tied to the core message. Ask open-ended questions to gather more information: “Can you give me some examples of when this happened?” Ask closed-ended questions to clarify information: “Are you saying that during our meeting yesterday I interrupted you when you were speaking?” It's important that you clear up any confusion or misinterpretation before proceeding to define the problem.

It's also important to remain objective when asking or answering questions. This isn't the time to defend or rationalize what prompted the negative feedback. When you feel that you both have the same understanding, offer a phrase of apology if you feel that will help: “I'm really sorry that you had to come to me about this.” (apology) When you offer an apology in that manner, you aren't necessarily taking responsibility for causing the problem. Rather you're merely sharing your regret for whatever prompted the conversation. Then offer a phrase of understanding: “I'd be upset, too, if I felt as you do.” (understanding)

Pay attention to the nonverbal message you're sending, as well as the one you're receiving. Keep your facial expressions and body language relaxed and neutral. Make eye contact and nod to show that you understand what the other person is saying. Watch for signs that the other person is calming down or is still emotional. By projecting a calm, composed demeanor you'll help the other person calm down as well.

You should now be prepared to define the problem, but if you need more time to process the feedback say so: “I'd like to think about it and get back to you later today.” Make sure that you do get back to the person when you say you will; otherwise he or she is likely to become even angrier. But it's certainly okay to delay the conversation if you need time to think about the situation, especially when someone catches you off guard and you're ill prepared to continue the dialogue.

Key Points

Practice the following when gaining a better understanding:

• Tell the person you appreciate the feedback, no matter how it was delivered.
• Ask open-ended questions if you need to gather more information.
• Ask closed-ended questions to clarify the information and clear up misunderstandings.
• Remain objective when asking and answering questions.
• Before you attempt to define the problem, offer a phrase of apology if you feel it's warranted. Saying something like: “I'm sorry this happened,” (apology) doesn't mean you're taking the blame for the problem. Rather, it shows that you regret the problem.
• If you need time to think about the best way to respond, say so. Tell the person you'd like to think about it and discuss it later.

Gaining a Better Understanding of the Situation

Jodie smiled and showed concern in her facial expression when she said: “Ted, I appreciate what you're saying, and I'm glad you came to me about this so that we can discuss what's going on.” compromise)

Ted seemed to relax a bit.

Jodie had already acknowledged to herself that on occasion she had ignored Ted, so she asked a clarifying question: “Are you saying that I always ignore you when you ask a question?”

Ted admitted: “Well, not always. But a lot of the time, yes, you do ignore me. I know you have to hear me, but you act like you don't.”

Jodie nodded thoughtfully. “I'm really sorry that you had to come to me about this. I'd be upset, too, if I thought someone was ignoring me.” (apology, understanding) She was pleased to observe that Ted smiled and visibly calmed down.

Jodie felt prepared to continue the conversation, so she added: “Why don't you sit down? I'm sure that by talking through this, we'll be able to resolve the issue.” (compromise)

Step 3: Define the Problem

When you feel that you and the other person are on the same page and have cleared up any misunderstandings, you can define the problem. This will be handled a little differently when someone has confronted you than when you confront someone else. When someone's come to you about something you said or did, it's important to define the problem from both perspectives: “Here's how you view it…and here's how I view it.” By defining both sides of the issue, you put yourself on a level playing field. You can then work through the issue to a satisfactory agreement.

First, reiterate the other person's concerns, as you define the problem from his or her point of view: “I understand you feel that on occasion I interrupt you during meetings.” (understanding) Gain agreement: “Is that correct?” Then state your point of view: “After thinking about it, you're right. I have interrupted you on occasion.” Next, provide your supporting reasons: “But here's why….” State your reasons as an “I” phrase to show how you feel: “We have a time commitment during our meetings, and I get perturbed when you take too much time and I don't get to speak.” (“I” phrase) If you don't agree with the claim, define the problem from your point of view and offer a phrase of compromise: “I have never intentionally interrupted you, but let's talk about it.” (compromise)

Speak respectfully as you define the problem, as that will pave the way for an open discussion that will lead to an agreeable resolution. Show concern in your facial expression. Don't become emotional, but rather maintain a neutral tone of voice and keep a relaxed demeanor.

Key Points

Practice the following when defining the problem:

• Recap the other person's concerns: “I understand that you feel that….” This defines and clarifies the problem from the other person's viewpoint.
• Define the problem from your vantage point.
• If, after assessing the feedback as correct, state an agreement: “After thinking about it, I agree with you.”
• If you agree, but want to provide additional information, say: “Here's the reason why.”
• If, after assessing the feedback as incorrect, state your view: “I appreciate what you're saying, but I have to disagree.”
• Offer a phrase of compromise: “Let's talk about it.”
• Maintain concern in your facial expression, and speak slowly and calmly.

Defining the Problem to Clarify the Points of View

Jodie stated: “I understand you feel that at times I've ignored you when you asked me a question, correct?” (understanding)

Ted nodded.

Jodie continued, speaking in a calm voice and maintaining a concerned facial expression: “After thinking about it, I have to agree with you. At times I have ignored you. But here's why. When I'm in the middle of writing an article I have to get my thoughts down as they come to me, otherwise I'll lose them. When you've asked me a question at that moment, I've kept typing rather than take the chance of losing my thought because I can assure you, once it's gone it's gone for good. And when that happens, I become frustrated.” She smiled. (“I” phrase)

Ted said: “Oh, that's happened to me too.”

“If that's happened to you, then you can understand my frustration.” (understanding)

“I can.”

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

When you define the problem from both vantage points and show respect for the other person's point of view, you create a dialogue in which the other person should be open to hearing your proposed solution. As soon as you agree on the definition of the problem, don't belabor or rehash the point. Be prepared to offer your best solution. Or, if the other person offers a solution first, quickly analyze it and either agree to it or offer a compromise.

Remain flexible during the give-and-take exchange, especially if you strongly disagree on the best solution. Don't allow the discussion to sidetrack or backtrack. Work through any differences by showing that you're willing to cooperate, because cooperation lends itself to collaboration. If the discussion stalls, suggest that you each restate your best solution and together analyze the consequences of each. If worse comes to worse, you may have to agree to disagree and put the issue to rest, particularly if the other person isn't willing or able to cooperate or understand your position on the issue.

Key Points

Practice the following when offering your best solution:

• As soon as you agree on the definition of the problem, offer your best solution.
• In the event that the other person offers a solution first, quickly analyze it.
• If you agree to it, say so. Otherwise, offer a compromise.
• Remain flexible while negotiating the resolution.
• Show that you're willing to cooperate by discussing alternatives to the proposed solution.
• Stay on track with the discussion. If the conversation begins to backtrack, bring it back to solving the problem. You already agreed on the definition so there is no need to rehash that part of the dialogue.
• If you're not able to resolve the issue, you may have to agree to disagree.

Offering Your Best Solution to the Problem

Ted suggested: “I'm sorry. From now on I won't ask you any questions when I see that you're typing.”

Jodie quickly thought about his proposed solution and said: “No, I don't want you to do that. How about this? If you come in and I'm typing, wait for me to get my thought down. And if I'm too involved to help, I'll give you a sign to let you know it isn't a good time. Does that sound okay to you?” (compromise)

Ted said: “That works for me.”

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

When you agree to the proposed solution, offer a phrase of resolution. You might say: “Great. I'm glad we worked this out.” (resolution) There will be times when you're not going to agree, but you can still offer a phrase of resolution: “I'm sorry we aren't able to agree on this, but I'm still glad we talked it out. Let's respect each other's opinion, and let it go at that.” (resolution)

After offering a phrase of resolution, end your discussion by offering a phrase of reconciliation: “I enjoy working with you and wouldn't want any misunderstandings to come between us.” (reconciliation) In the event you're unable to come to an agreement, end the discussion by offering an alternate phrase of reconciliation: “I'm sorry we can't come together on this. (resolution) I value our working relationship and hope that we can move forward and put this issue to rest.” (reconciliation)

Key Points

Practice the following when agreeing on the resolution:

• After you agree on the solution, offer a phrase of resolution.
• Follow that with a phrase of reconciliation.
• If you were unable to agree, offer a phrase of resolution suggesting that you agree to disagree and let go of the issue.
• Follow with a phrase of reconciliation stating that you want to move forward without letting this situation come between you.

Gaining Agreement on the Resolution

Jodie followed up by saying: “Ted, I'm really glad that you came to me about this. I'm sorry that I've ignored you, and I'm glad we found a solution that'll work for both of us. (resolution) I think our conversation will make our relationship stronger knowing that we can resolve any differences.” (reconciliation)

Resolving Conflict: The Right Way

Jodie worked as a reporter for a local newspaper and was editing an article she had written when Ted, her coworker, walked into her cubicle. Catching her off guard, he angrily lashed out: “You always ignore me when I ask you questions or try to talk to you. I don't understand why you do that to me, and I'm really sick of it. I don't deserve to be treated this way, and it makes you look like you think you're better than me. It's rude.”

He glared at Jodie, who was aghast at what he said. Her immediate thought was to defend herself against his accusation, especially when he said she always ignored him because she knew that wasn't true. Just as she felt her own anger bubbling up, Jodie composed herself. She didn't respond, and she didn't react. Rather, she projected a concerned facial expression and placed her hands in her lap when he was speaking. She calmed her racing thoughts by breathing deeply and slowly as she processed the negative feedback. She knew that Ted was partially correct; on occasion, she had ignored him. However, she only did that when switching gears to answer him would have caused her to lose her train of thought. She pondered about how to respond in a constructive manner so that they could resolve the conflict effectively.

Jodie smiled and showed concern in her facial expression when she said: “Ted, I appreciate what you're saying, and I'm glad you came to me about this so that we can discuss what's going on.” (compromise)

Ted seemed to relax a bit.

Jodie had already acknowledged to herself that on occasion she had ignored Ted, so she asked a clarifying question: “Are you saying that I always ignore you when you ask a question?”

Ted admitted: “Well, not always. But a lot of the time, yes, you do ignore me. I know you have to hear me but you act like you don't.”

Jodie nodded thoughtfully. “I'm really sorry that you had to come to me about this. I'd be upset, too, if I thought someone was ignoring me.” (apology, understanding) She was pleased to observe that Ted smiled and visibly calmed down.

Jodie felt prepared to continue the conversation so she added: “Why don't you sit down? I'm sure that by talking through this, we'll be able to resolve the issue.” (compromise)

Jodie stated: “I understand you feel that at times I've ignored you when you asked me a question, correct?” (understanding)

Ted nodded.

Jodie continued, speaking in a calm voice and maintaining a concerned facial expression: “After thinking about it, I have to agree with you. At times I have ignored you. But here's why. When I'm in the middle of writing an article I have to get my thoughts down as they come to me, otherwise I'll lose them. When you've asked me a question at that moment, I've kept typing rather than take the chance of losing my thought because I can assure you, once it's gone it's gone for good. And when that happens, I become frustrated.” She smiled. (“I” phrase)

Ted said: “Oh, that's happened to me too.”

“If that's happened to you, then you can understand my frustration.” (understanding)

“I can.”

Then Ted suggested: “I'm sorry. From now on I won't ask you any questions when I see that you're typing.”

Jodie quickly thought about his proposed solution and said: “No, I don't want you to do that. How about this? If you come in and I'm typing, wait for me to get my thought down. And if I'm too involved to help, I'll give you a sign to let you know it isn't a good time. Does that sound okay to you?” (compromise)

Ted said: “That works for me.”

Jodie followed up by saying: “Ted, I'm really glad that you came to me about this. I'm sorry that I've ignored you, and I'm glad we found a solution that'll work for both of us. (resolution) I think our conversation will make our relationship stronger knowing that we can resolve any differences.” (reconciliation)

Why This Works

When Ted lashed out at Jodie, her first instinct was to defend herself. She felt herself becoming angry but, because she had learned the skills to effectively resolve conflict, she quickly composed herself, got back on track, and moved through the five-step process. Even though Ted had approached her, Jodie led the discussion. She maintained her composure and showed through her facial expressions and body language that she was concerned, that she respected Ted, and that she wanted to find an agreeable solution. She wasn't afraid to agree with Ted's view that she had on occasion ignored him and, because she explained why she had done so, Ted gained a better understanding. The manner in which Jodie spoke throughout the conversation kept their dialogue positive and constructive, and they were quickly able to reach an agreement. While this was a fairly simple problem between two coworkers, following the five-step process will help you work through any problem, small or large.