4

Powerful Phrases for Challenging Coworker Situations

Trying your best to get along with your coworkers is often difficult when they're bothersome, frustrating, or irritating. Some people can really get to you, whether it's a coworker who continually says or does things that upsets you or one whose aggravating habits drive you nuts. By empowering yourself with effective conflict resolution skills, you'll learn how to deal with other peoples' quirks and idiosyncrasies. This will help you get along with everyone at work. Then, when you incorporate powerful phrases into your conversations with coworkers and use effective nonverbal strategies to enhance your messages, you'll increase your ability to communicate well.

This chapter describes twenty coworker behaviors. You'll learn how to employ the five-step conflict resolution process to help you deal with these challenging situations. Sample dialogues are included for each of the annoying behaviors. As in the first three chapters, the powerful phrases are denoted in italics with the type powerful phrase noted in (bold). For some of the behaviors, a “Something to Think About” helpful tip is included as well, demonstrating how to handle an unusual or difficult situation. Applying the five-step process to your interactions with coworkers will give you the confidence to successfully resolve any problem you encounter.

Basic Rules When Confronting a Coworker

When confronting a coworker about a problem, it's always best to focus on the situation rather than on the person. Your message will be better received if it shows that you viewed the situation from other perspectives, states how the offending behavior made you feel, and demonstrates a willingness to remain open. Keeping a relaxed and open demeanor, matching your facial expressions to the conversation, and speaking calmly and confidently can further increase your ability to make your feelings known and successfully handle any problem. This approach will enable you to resolve conflicts effectively and maintain strong, supportive relationships with your coworkers.

Before learning how to handle specific behaviors, here are some basic rules to remember when attempting to resolve a conflict:

• Always remain calm, no matter how the other person speaks to you.
• Always treat others with respect.
• Don't overreact.
• Take a wait-and-see approach whenever possible.
• Get a neutral person's perspective on the situation if you feel it'll help.
• Always speak in specifics and be prepared to share examples.
• Don't try to change people; focus only on changing the behavior.
• Avoid complaining about people to others.
• Not every situation needs to be addressed, even if you feel confident that you know how to effectively resolve conflict.
• Ignoring a situation may sometimes be your best option, particularly if it's the result of an annoying habit you can learn to ignore.
• Always give the person the chance to make things right; never go over someone's head without speaking to the involved person directly.
• If the situation can't be resolved after your resolution conversation, then and only then refer the matter to your boss.
• If the conversation heats up or you feel threatened, end the discussion and get someone else to mediate.

The following examples involve a conflict that arises between two employees, although the dialogue can be easily adapted for use in a group setting in which you're directly involved or responsible for mediating a conflict. But, when a group of coworkers has a problem with one other person, it's usually best to have one person confront the coworker. Otherwise, he or she may feel ganged up on and is likely to become defensive and noncommunicative.

How to Deal with a Backstabber

Amanda and Vicky had been working closely on a project for the past two weeks. During that time, Amanda got to know Vicky well and considered her more than a coworker; she considered Vicky her friend. Vicky had bragged to Amanda that she thought they were the two best employees and then said that the other members of their team were pretty much idiots. Although Amanda didn't consider herself a gossip, she found herself agreeing with Vicky when she'd talk about their coworkers. But then Amanda heard from another of their coworkers that Vicky had been badmouthing her, saying that her work on the project was substandard and that Amanda wasn't doing her share of the work. Amanda was flabbergasted. While she often agreed with Vicky that they were the two best members of their team, she didn't know why Vicky would stab her in the back, especially when she thought they worked well together.

If you work with someone who likes to talk about other people to you, chances are that person is going to talk about you to others, too. Some people like to put other people down, and they often do it to make themselves feel better, more important, or smarter. And, like Amanda, you may have enjoyed listening to the badmouthing. That is, until you heard that the person badmouthed you. You probably felt angry or hurt or indignant. What the person did was deceitful and underhanded. You wonder what else the person said about you that hadn't gotten back to you. The more you think about it, the more upset you become.

The best practice is not to talk negatively about anyone and don't enter into conversations with coworkers who talk about others. Stay above the fray. But even when you behave in this manner, at some time something someone said about you is going to get back to you. When it does, take action. Rather than retaliating and making a nasty comment about the backstabber, don't say anything until you've given yourself time to calm down. Then go directly to the backstabber. You need to stop this behavior, so discussing what you heard and giving the person a chance to respond gives you the edge in stopping future attacks by this person.

Amanda was hurt that Vicky would talk about her, especially when she thought they were friends. She wanted to immediately go to Vicky and tell her off, but didn't.

Step 1: Think First

Amanda took time to calm down. When she was able to think more clearly, she thought about how to handle the conversation she dreaded having with Vicky. She played out various scenarios and, when she approached Vicky, Amanda felt confident that she'd be able to handle the conversation well. She also knew that she'd have to present herself in an assertive manner. Otherwise, Vicky would have the upper hand in the conversation. Amanda made sure to maintain eye contact when she spoke.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

“Vicky, someone told me that you said that my work on the project was substandard and that you're tired of having to do most of the work,” Amanda said. “I was stunned when I heard that, but mostly I was hurt that you'd talk about me like that.” (“I” phrase)

Vicky shifted uneasily and looked down. Amanda wondered if Vicky was trying to gather her thoughts. “Who told you that?,” Vicky asked.

Amanda was prepared for that question and wasn't going to deflect the conversation away from the badmouthing, so she replied: “It doesn't matter who told me. What matters is that you'd say something like that. Is that how you truly feel about working with me?”

“No. I don't remember saying that, but if I did I only said it as a joke,” Vicky spoke adamantly.

Step 3: Define the Problem

“So what you're saying is that you don't remember but you may have made a joke about me?” Amanda asked.

“I might have. I really don't remember,” Vicky responded.

“Well, even making a joke about me bothers me because the person I heard it from didn't take it as a joke. (“I” phrase) I know that you're a good worker and you're very smart. (understanding) But, so am I. And if we're going to work together, I don't appreciate having you joke about my work, especially when I know that we contribute equally to the project.” Amanda was proud of the way she was handling the conversation by not letting Vicky off the hook or sidestep the issue. “Do you understand why hearing that bothered me so much?”

Vicky responded: “Yes, I do. If I said anything, I'm really sorry.”

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

Amanda didn't back down. “Thanks for apologizing. And, going forward, please come to me if you have any problems rather than talking or joking about me to other people.” (compromise)

Vicky seemed relieved. “I promise you that if I ever have a problem, I'll talk to you about it.”

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

“Good. (resolution) Amanda continued: “I like working with you and don't want anything to come between our working relationship.” (reconciliation)

Why This Works

Had Amanda confronted Vicky when she was emotional, the conversation wouldn't have gone so smoothly. Amanda calmed down and then was able to think about the situation more objectively. She stated the facts of what she heard and allowed Vicky time to respond. She didn't take the bait when Vicky asked who told her that; doing so would have changed the focus of the dialogue. Amanda was assertive and remained calm throughout their conversation and was able to resolve the issue satisfactorily. But Amanda learned a valuable lesson about people who talk negatively about others. Going forward, she planned to take a different approach when Vicky talked about their coworkers by telling her she didn't want to hear those types of comments.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a backstabber:

• Don't fall into the trap of agreeing with someone who's badmouthing your coworkers.
• Don't confront the backstabber when you're upset or angry, which are normal emotions if you learn that someone badmouthed you.
• Do, however, plan to speak to the person.
• Give yourself time to calm down so that you can think about the conversation you need to have.
• Begin your conversation with the person by stating what you heard and how it affected you.
• Ask the person to explain.
• Make sure the backstabber understands what the problem is. The only compromise you should have to offer is that you expect him or her to come to you directly if he or she has a problem with you rather than talking about you behind your back.
• End the conversation with phrases of resolution and reconciliation.
• Keep this person at arm's length and watch what you say and how you act when together.

How to Deal with a Brownnoser

Lauren and her coworkers were becoming increasingly upset with their coworker, Mia, for her constant brownnosing. They tried applying peer pressure by making snide comments and rubbing their noses whenever Mia chummed up to their boss, Antonio, but nothing's worked. To make matters worse, Antonio loved the attention and began showing favoritism toward Mia. Last week, she started coming in 30 minutes late every day. When someone questioned her about it, she said, “I'm having trouble getting here earlier because I have to drop my baby off at daycare. I spoke to Antonio about it, and he's fine with me starting later. Besides, I'm going to make the time up at lunch so it's no big deal.” But to her coworkers, it was a big deal. Mornings are the busiest time of day, and they could use the extra person to answer the early calls.

Brownnosers can be pretty irritating because they're in it for themselves. They flatter for favors. They suck up for personal gain. They grab the boss's attention through compliments and adulation. They fawn over those who can help them succeed. And they do it for selfish reasons: they want to gain an advantage, a promotion, or a special favor.

Applying peer pressure is often the most successful way to handle the office brownnoser. The group may make joking comments to the coworker. Someone may make the hand gesture of rubbing their nose in front of the team, whose members are likely to laugh at the brownnoser. Trying to embarrass a brownnoser may be effective, especially if he or she cares about the team. But, if the person is in it to seek a promotion or special favors from the boss, peer pressure may not work.

In that event, the best approach may be to ignore the brownnoser, focus on doing a good job and positioning yourself so that your boss sees your accomplishments. But if the boss is buying in to the brownnoser's flattery and begins showing favoritism, it's time to take action. In this situation, it's best to speak to your boss, because the brownnoser isn't going to stop the behavior as long as the boss is responding to it. Besides, if your boss is showing favoritism, it's your boss that you have the conflict with, not the brownnoser.

Lauren is the unofficial team leader, and she offered to speak to Antonio about this since it's affecting the team's productivity.

Step 1: Think First

Before going to Antonio, Lauren realized that she'd have to tread lightly. She didn't want to sound as though she was complaining or whining, so she decided to focus on the facts and approach him from the standpoint of how Mia's coming in late was affecting the entire team. Lauren met with Antonio in his office.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

“I want to talk to you about something that's affecting our entire team,” Lauren told him. “Mia's been coming in a half hour late every morning. She said it's okay with you, but it's really not okay with our team. We have to handle the overload of calls that she should be helping answer, and it's starting to affect our workloads.” (“I” phrase) Lauren maintained her composure, was assertive, and looked directly at Antonio as she spoke.

“Mia has a problem with dropping her baby off and getting here by 8:30,” Antonio explained. “I agreed that she can start at nine and make up her time at lunch.” Antonio looked directly at Lauren when he spoke. She could tell that he wasn't ready to back down.

“I know full well it's an adjustment having a baby. (understanding) I experienced that when I had my baby, but I dealt with it,” Lauren responded. “In fact, I still have to drop my daughter off at daycare, but I'm able to make it to work on time.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

Antonio didn't say anything, so Lauren continued. “I think I understand that from your point of view, you feel that it's all right for one member of our team to start later than the rest of us.”

“Well, I hadn't thought about it that way,” Antonio told her. “I was thinking it's more about my being flexible.”

“Okay, sure,” Lauren said. “So you're being accommodating because of Mia's baby.”

Antonio nodded. Lauren felt that his nod was an agreement with her definition of the problem.

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

Lauren was prepared to offer a solution. “I'd like to discuss this arrangement with you to see if we can find a solution that's agreeable to the entire team since none of the rest of us have flexible schedules,” she continued. (compromise)

“I don't see what we need to talk about,” Antonio countered. “She's going to make up the time.”

“Here's where the team has a problem,” replied Lauren. “When the office opens at 8:30 we're bombarded with calls. Early mornings are our busiest times. Without Mia here to help out, the rest of us are fielding additional calls and it's backing up our work for the day. By the time Mia comes in and actually starts taking calls, the rest of have four or five commitments already. It's causing a hardship for us to get our work done. We appreciate that she has to get her baby to daycare, but I used to drop my baby off at the same daycare and made it on time. We really need her here when the office opens for business.” (“I” phrase, resolution)

Antonio shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Lauren maintained eye contact and remained composed, sitting up straight and keeping a concerned facial expression.

“Well, I guess I hadn't thought how this was going to affect the team,” Antonio said. “I see your point. I'll speak to Mia and tell her that I need her here at 8:30 when the rest of you start work. I didn't realize you had used the same daycare, so if you could do it she should have no problem getting here on time.”

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

“Thanks, Antonio, that sounds reasonable,” Lauren said. “We realize that every once in a while one of us is going to run into a problem, but as long as she can be here when the rest of us start, it'll help even out the workload for the day.” (resolution) “I'm glad I talked to you about this. Our team has always worked well together, and I wouldn't want something like this to cause any problems. (reconciliation)

Antonio responded, “Me too. I'm sorry that I handled this the way I did. I'll speak to Mia today.”

Why This Works

Rather than becoming more disgruntled about Mia's brownnosing, the team decided to take action. There would have been no sense in saying anything to Mia, because Antonio bought into her brownnosing and began showing favoritism by allowing her to work a different schedule than was expected from the rest of the team members. There was no reason for Mia to change her tactics when they were working to her advantage. Lauren thought about how best to confront Antonio and decided to take a direct approach by explaining how his actions affected the team. Throughout her conversation, Lauren projected assertive body language by maintaining eye contact, sitting up straight, and keeping a concerned facial expression. She was able to communicate effectively that the rest of the team was handling a larger portion of the workload due to Mia's lateness. Antonio understood and agreed to speak to Mia. While Mia may not be happy with the new arrangement, the team members agreed that after Antonio spoke to Mia, they would also speak to her and hopefully get her to understand that they all needed to work together as a team.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a brownnoser:

• Use peer pressure, as it is often effective when dealing with the team brownnoser.
• Try gentle chiding, joking, and rubbing one's nose, as these actions may help the brownnoser understand that the behavior is unacceptable to the team.
• Take action if the boss (or recipient of the brownnosing) starts buying in to it and begins showing favoritism.
• Recognize that the problem is now with the boss, who is granting special favors, so that's the person to speak to.
• Think before speaking, and remember to focus on how the boss's actions are affecting the rest of the team.
• Ask questions to gain a better understanding that will help you define the problem and also help get the boss to understand there is a problem.
• Be prepared to offer your best solution.
• Know that your efforts may fall on deaf ears. If the boss isn't willing to agree to your proposed solution, there's not a lot you can do.
• Well, actually there is. Focus on doing your best job and finding ways to showcase your accomplishments to your boss.

How to Deal with a Bully

Cindy dreaded going to work knowing that she'd have to put up with Diane's berating, demeaning, and humiliating behavior toward her. Cindy's job duties included creating invoices for Diane, who was responsible for completing and forwarding them to customers. Often, Diane would berate Cindy for not completing them on time, a claim that was unfounded. For whatever reason, Diane had singled Cindy out and made her the target of continuous disparagement. Cindy was a good worker, but she wasn't assertive or able to stick up for herself. She had tried ignoring Diane, hoping she'd stop. When she didn't, Cindy wished she could be as mean to Diane as Diane was to her, but it wasn't her nature to treat others in that manner, so she continued to put up with the bullying.

Unlike a criticizer who feels the need to harshly judge everyone, a bully singles out one person who becomes “prey.” Bullies may hurl insults, display menacing behavior, show their dislike, act out disrespectfully, give dirty looks, or make fun of their target. They may also expect the victim to do their work and complain about how the victim works. In addition, they may overstep their boundaries in the victim's workspace by rummaging through papers or going through files without permission.

No one deserves to be bullied. And no one should suffer in silence. The most important rule to remember when dealing with a bully is that you need to put a stop to the behavior. When confronting a bully, stay calm and tell the person the behavior needs to end. Then, set boundaries for your working relationship. If the bullying continues, document each incident. If possible, ask a trusted coworker if he or she witnessed the behavior and would be willing to back you up. Discuss the bullying incidents with your boss or a human resources manager. Let the manager know that you've already confronted the bully, but the behavior hasn't stopped. Review your documentation with the manager and allow him or her to deal with the bully.

One of Cindy's coworkers had noticed the bullying and suggested to Cindy that she confront Diane. Even though it would be uncomfortable for Cindy to do that, she knew that's what she needed to do. She was tired of turning the other cheek only to be demeaned again. Because her feelings were slowly simmering toward anger, Cindy felt it best to approach Diane before she lost her cool and said something that could only make matters worse.

Step 1: Think First

Cindy talked to the coworker who said she should confront Diane. Together, they discussed the situation and ran through various conversations until Cindy felt comfortable saying what she wanted to say. She didn't feel a need to ask questions to better understand why Diane spoke to her as she did. There was no excuse for bullying, so she decided the best tactic would be to confront Diane the next time the bullying started, define the problem, and move to the solution step. She didn't have to wait long.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

Not applicable, as explained in Step 1.

Step 3: Define the Problem

Diane soon walked past her desk and said: “I'm still waiting for today's invoices. What is your problem? Are you retarded or just slow?”

Cindy stood up, faced Diane, made eye contact, and replied: “I'm working on a project that has a higher priority. When I'm finished, I'll work on the invoices and get them to you.”

Diane was nonplussed. “I need the invoices now so whatever you're working on, let it wait.”

“No, Diane. I'm going to finish the project and then I'll get to the invoices. I'll have them to you this afternoon in plenty of time for you to complete them today.” Cindy spoke as assertively as she could, maintaining eye contact, even though that was uncomfortable for her.

Diane glared at her. Even though Cindy felt her knees knocking, she said in her boldest voice: “Do you understand that I will get them to you in time for you to complete them?” Diane said nothing.

Cindy continued: Diane, I don't know why you feel you have the right to treat me disrespectfully and, frankly, I don't care. I've put up with it long enough, and I need you to stop treating me this way.” (“I” phrase)

“I don't know what you're talking about.” Diane glared at Cindy, expecting her to crack and back down.

“I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about,” Cindy said. “I've taken your demeaning comments too long. I've put other work aside to get you the invoices when I know that you're demanding them just to give me a hard time. I do have other work, so going forward I'll get the invoices to you each day by early afternoon.” Even though Diane never agreed she was causing a problem, Cindy felt confident that she had stated very clearly how Diane's behavior was affecting her.

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

Cindy felt her confidence grow as she offered her solution: “Going forward, I expect you to treat me respectfully. If you don't or can't, then please don't say anything to me. (compromise) I don't deserve to be treated this way, and I'm not going to accept it anymore.” (“I” phrase)

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

Diane gave her a dirty look, but walked away without saying a word. Cindy felt empowered that she had finally spoken up and, even though Diane hadn't agreed, Cindy felt that Diane understood her resolution loud and clear. As for offering a phrase of reconciliation, Cindy wanted to wait and see if Diane's behavior changed for the better. If it did, she'd offer one when one was warranted.

Why This Works

Successfully confronting a bully requires that you maintain a calm and assertive demeanor, speaking confidently and candidly. Because she had practiced with a coworker, Cindy was able to say what she wanted to say to Diane. She didn't beat around the bush or belabor the point, but spoke straightforwardly. She explained the problem, stated that she was no longer willing to be bullied, told Diane the behavior needed to stop, and let her know when she could expect the invoices. Before the confrontation, Cindy had also begun documenting each incident. She wasn't sure the bullying would stop, so she was prepared to take the next step and go to her manager with the documentation if necessary.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a bully:

• Try ignoring the behavior in hope that the bully will grow tired of your failure to respond and stop.
• If the behavior continues, remind yourself that you don't deserve to be treated this way.
• If your place of business has formal procedures about bullying, then you may decide to go directly to your boss or human resources without confronting the person.
• If you decide to confront the bully, there's no need to work through the phases of fact finding and defining the behavior.
• Practice your conversation so that you're able to stay calm and in control when you speak to the bully.
• Remember that the most empowering words you need to say are: “The behavior needs to stop.” If you feel the need or if the bully denies the behavior, give examples.
• Understand that you may not get the bully to back down and agree that the behavior was out of line.
• Be prepared to offer your resolution by stating specifically how you expect to be treated.
• If the bullying continues, document each incident. Your documentation should speak for itself so include date and time, what the person said or did, and if there were any witnesses to the conversation.
• Then, speak to your boss or a human resources manager.

How to Deal with a Credit Taker

Earlier in the day, the vice president of the company visited the field office. Kayla and her coworkers were busy doing their jobs while Julie, the most outgoing team member, was promoting herself to the VP. Kayla and her coworkers looked at each other in astonishment as they listened to Julie tell the VP about the directory she created because their entire team had contributed to the project. And, it wasn't even Julie's idea. Kayla wanted to step up, join the conversation, grab some of the spotlight back, and give credit where credit was due but she, like her coworkers, kept quiet.

Dealing with a credit taker may be one of the most aggravating behaviors you'll come across at work. You know the type. When your boss or a member of upper management visits your office, the credit taker shines the spotlight directly on himself or herself for work on which you helped or for which you were solely responsible. You watch dumbfounded, so shocked that your coworker would do this that you're speechless. Credit takers may take many shapes, including a coworker who asks for your help but doesn't acknowledge your contributions, a team member who takes 100 percent credit for completing a project your team worked on, or the person with the gift of glib talk who knows how to promote himself or herself to the omission of everyone else.

We've all worked with credit takers. We've all been frustrated by them. And we've all been caught off guard and allowed the person to steal the spotlight from us. The most effective way to handle a credit taker is to be prepared and speak up during the credit taking process.

Kayla didn't think quickly enough to speak up and give the team credit for the project. What Julie did was not fair, as she undermined the entire team. The group was so upset that the members talked about what happened when Julie went on break. Rather than having the entire team confront Julie, Kayla offered to speak to her one on one.

Step 1: Think First

Before Kayla approached Julie, she thought about the situation. She found it difficult to understand Julie's perspective because she would never behave that way. She decided to let Julie know how everyone felt, ask her to explain, and go from there. But she was also determined to get Julie's agreement that she wouldn't do this again.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

After taking a deep breath, Kayla approached Julie: “I want to talk to you about what happened when Mr. Sanders was in the office today. Do you have a minute now?”

Julie nodded, and Kayla said, “Let's go into the conference room so we can talk quietly.”

After closing the door, Kayla continued: “When I heard you take all the credit for the directory our team created, I was really shocked and so was the rest of our team. We all felt betrayed that you'd do that.” (“I” phrase) She spoke assertively, remained calm, and kept her facial expression neutral. “Rather than everyone talking to you about this, I volunteered to speak for the team.”

“I didn't realize I did that,” Julie countered casually. “Sorry.”

“You mentioned that you didn't realize you did that, and I can understand how that could happen (understanding), but I'm wondering why you would take sole credit for a team project,” Kayla said.

“It wasn't a big deal,” Julie replied. “I'm sure Mr. Sanders knew that it was a group effort. I just happened to be the one available to tell him about it.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

“Okay,” Kayla said. “So what you're saying is that you didn't realize you took all the credit and that you were the one available so you became the team spokesperson.”

Julie shrugged her shoulders and nodded. She looked uncomfortable.

Kayla didn't let her off the hook. “Do you agree with that?”

Julie said: “Yeah, I guess so. I certainly wouldn't do anything to undermine the team. I just happened to be available when Mr. Sanders stopped by.”

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

“Look Julie, we need to find a solution so this doesn't happen again,” Kayla continued. (compromise) “Especially since everyone on our team felt angry and betrayed that you spoke only of your accomplishments rather than the group's.” (“I” phrase)

“I'm sorry,” Julie said. “What more can I say?”

“Going forward, we'd like your assurance that if you happen to be the one speaking for the team, you'll give credit to the entire group.” responded Kayla. “Speak in terms of ‘we’ rather than ‘I’. (compromise) Had you done that this time we wouldn't have been upset. Will you agree to that?”

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

Julie nodded. “Now I can see how what I did bothered everyone. Going forward, I'll make sure that I speak more carefully and include all of us.”

“That sounds great,” Kayla said. “I'm glad we talked this out, and I'm also glad that you understand how what you did made us feel. (resolution) We've always been a strong team and now that we talked this out we can only become stronger.” (reconciliation)

“I'm going to apologize to everyone right now,” Julie promised.

Why This Works

Because Kayla volunteered to speak to Julie, it didn't appear as though the entire team was pouncing on her. Kayla spoke assertively and remained calm. She was prepared for Julie's answer that she didn't do it on purpose and then asked Julie if she realized how that made the team feel. Kayla didn't back down, but offered the suggestion that in the future, Julie speak in terms of the entire team rather than only of herself. When Julie agreed, Kayla offered phrases of resolution and reconciliation that ended their meeting on a positive note. By offering to apologize to the team, Julie isn't likely to take credit for team accomplishments in the future.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a credit taker:

• Be on your guard. Circumvent your coworker by speaking up and taking or giving credit where credit is due.
• Look for opportunities to showcase your own accomplishments. Often, credit takers are the more gregarious members of the group and find it easy to shine the spotlight on themselves.
• Practice tooting your own horn by thinking through some scenarios and how you might speak positively about yourself. Practicing will help you learn how to promote your accomplishments in a modest manner, so that it doesn't sound as though you're bragging.
• If the credit taker gets one (or more) past you, it may be time to address the issue by speaking to the person. Explain how it made you feel and follow the five-step process to negotiate a successful conclusion. And, if it's a group situation, the better approach is to have one person speak for the group.
• If, after speaking to the credit taker, the behavior doesn't stop, stay on your guard. Be prepared to offer your input when the credit t starts again.
• Bottom line, don't be a wallflower. Be assertive and speak up for yourself because if you don't, upper management may never realize your contributions.

How to Deal with a Criticizer

The first time Mark criticized Vince, a new employee, Vince didn't reply. He figured that Mark was either having a bad day or didn't know that Vince had only been partially trained. The second time Mark criticized him, Vince apologized and commented that he'd be glad when he received the rest of his training. This morning Mark again lashed out at Vince in front of some of their team members about work he had done, and then loudly asked him: “Why did you do that?” Vince felt the question was derogatory and out of line; he'd had enough of Mark's criticizing. Vince wondered: Was Mark going to continually take potshots and belittle him just because he wasn't as experienced?

Some people are born criticizers. While some people talk about others behind their backs, criticizers have no problem taking the talk directly to the person. They take potshots, rely on cheap shots, and use sarcasm when speaking. If they don't speak directly to the person, they make aside comments loud enough for the person to hear. As in Vince's case, a criticizer may feel more comfortable picking on new employees because they're an easy target. In other cases, it doesn't matter how new or experienced an employee is. A criticizer may still feel the need to continually berate, challenge, or disparage a coworker. Some people criticize others because they feel the need to “help,” but don't have the filter to screen how best to offer help. Others may criticize to make themselves feel superior. And, some people criticize because they feel it's their “job” to point out other people's insecurities and shortcomings.

Whatever the reason for a person's criticizing, it can be very tiring, whether you're a new employee who hasn't yet found your comfort level at work or an experienced employee who knows what you're doing. The first time someone criticizes you, the best response may be no response. Or, if you feel the need to reply, you might say: “Thank you for your opinion.” This will likely leave the person speechless and end the conversation. Then you can decide whether the criticism is valid. If it is, you need to decide how to act on it. In the case of a constant criticizer like Mark, you can either continue to ignore the person, continue to thank the person for his or her opinion, or enter into a conflict resolution conversation.

Vince had grown tired of Mark's daily criticisms. When Mark called him out in front of their coworkers, he felt it was time to talk to Mark and let him know that he didn't appreciate the daily criticisms, especially since he was new and still getting his bearings.

Step 1: Think First

Vince also didn't want to alienate Mark, whom he knew to be an experienced colleague who could be a big help to him. Vince decided to let Mark know how the constant criticizing made him feel, yet also convey to Mark that he respected his knowledge. Vince thought about how to tell Mark how he'd like to be treated going forward. When he felt comfortable working through the conversation in his head, he spoke to Mark.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

“Mark, if you have a few minutes I'd like to talk to you about something.”

“Sure, what's up?”

“Since I started working here, you've criticized my work repeatedly. This morning when you called me out in front of other coworkers, that was out of line. It really bothered me that you'd do that, considering I've only been on the job a few weeks.” (“I” phrase) Vince did his best to maintain good posture, make eye contact, and keep a concerned facial expression.

“Hey, I was only joshing with you,” Mark responded.

“It wasn't funny to me.” Vince felt that Mark said that to appease him. Vince wasn't about to back down.

Mark said: “Lighten up a little. You've got to know I was only joking.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

Vince replied: “If you meant that as a joke, I now have a better understanding of where you were coming from. (understanding) And, my understanding is that your idea of joking is to call someone out in front of other people.”

Mark shrugged and laughed uneasily.

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

Vince was glad that he had rehearsed what he wanted to say because he was very comfortable when he continued. “Being a new employee and not knowing as much as the rest of you already puts me in an uncomfortable position. But Mark, no one has a right to criticize me like you did, joking or not. I'd like us to agree on how we communicate with each other going forward.” (compromise)

“Okay, I get it. I'm sorry if I took a joke too far. I won't do it again,” Mark said.

“I respect that you're very knowledgeable, and I'd like to know that I can come to you when I need help. Can we agree that in the future I can count on you to speak to me in a more constructive manner?” Vince spoke confidently, pleased that he handled the conversation in an assertive manner. (compromise)

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

“Of course. Again, I'm sorry I took the joking too far.”

“I'm glad we talked this out. (resolution) And I'm glad I can count on your help too.” (reconciliation)

Why This Works

If the criticisms were one time or random, Vince may have chosen to ignore the comments. But when Mark criticized him in front of their coworkers, Vince felt that the personal attacks weren't going to stop. He assumed the reason for the disparaging comments was that he was the new kid on the block, but Mark still had no right to treat him that way. Vince thought about what he wanted to say so he was prepared when Mark brushed off the comments as jokes. Vince stated how the criticisms made him feel, was able to get Mark to understand the problem, and assertively said that in the future he'd like to be treated more respectfully. He also threw Mark an olive branch by complimenting him on his job knowledge. By doing this, he let Mark know that he valued him as a coworker and wanted to count on him for assistance.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a criticizer:

• The first time someone criticizes you, choose whether you want to ignore the remark or act on it.
• If you choose to respond, try saying: “Thank you for your opinion.” This is apt to end the conversation.
• Whenever someone criticizes you, view the criticism a growth opportunity. Analyze the criticism. If it's valid, decide what you can do to improve.
• If you need additional training to correct the problem, ask for it.
• If the criticisms continue and have no validity, you can continue ignoring the criticizer, continue thanking the person for his or her opinion, or decide to confront the person.
• Before entering into a conflict resolution discussion, think through the likely conversation.
• You may catch the criticizer off guard, and the person may respond as Mark did by brushing off the criticisms as jokes. Don't let the person off the hook or the behavior is apt to continue.
• Make sure the person understands why the criticisms create a problem for you.
• State specifically how you expect to be treated.
• Agree on a resolution and offer a phrase of reconciliation.

How to Deal with an Ethics Violator

Melanie was completing an order when she overheard her coworker, Todd, say to his customer: “If you buy this today I'll waive the installation fee.” Melanie's mouth dropped open because it wasn't company policy to offer free installation as a customer incentive. She waited for Todd to complete his call and then said: “Hey, Todd. I overheard you offer free installation to your customer. What's up with that?” Todd winked at her and said: “Hey, if it'll close the deal, why not? She was ready to buy anyway. I just helped her speed up her decision. I'm going to note the account that this customer was irate to cover my butt.” Melanie didn't say anything else but the more she thought about their conversation the more she realized that Todd crossed the ethical boundary. And, because he was noting the account, she felt certain that he also knew it was wrong.

Some people feel that rules are made for everyone else. Some don't really understand the seriousness of ethics. And, some just don't seem to know there's a fine line between right and wrong. If you work with someone who crosses the ethical line, then it's your responsibility to do something. Whether it's a coworker who, like Todd, offers a special deal to make a sale or bends the rules to fit the situation, crossing the ethical line is a serious violation of company policy. While you're not the police, judge, or jury, when you become aware that someone is doing something ethically wrong, you become responsible for addressing the issue.

Unless it's a serious violation, you should first deal with an ethics violator by speaking to the person directly. Perhaps he isn't aware that what he's doing is ethically wrong. Or, perhaps she's under the misunderstanding that her conduct falls within company guidelines. Take the person aside, and ask questions to find out the reason for the ethics violation. Then explain the impact on other customers and coworkers. Follow the steps below to resolve the issue. If, after speaking to your coworker, the behavior doesn't stop, refer the problem to your boss to handle. Be sure to document your conversation to avoid any future ramifications that may implicate you.

Melanie didn't regret delving more deeply into the matter when she first confronted Todd because it gave her time to think about the best way to handle the situation. She prepared herself to bring it up again later that afternoon.

Step 1: Think First

Melanie wanted to handle the situation in a way that would help her better understand why Todd did what he did, as well as to make him understand the need to take responsibility for violating company policy. She ran through the conversation in her mind, which gave her confidence when she addressed the issue.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

Melanie said: “Todd, I've thought about our conversation this morning, and it's been bothering me. (“I” phrase) I realize that you waived the installation fee to close the deal, (understanding) but what bothers me is that it's not what the rest of us are offering, and it's going to inflate your sales results. (“I” phrase) She continued: “I'm wondering why you'd do that.”

Todd answered: “We're under a lot of pressure to produce. I don't see anything wrong with bending the rules if it means getting the sale. Besides, in the long run, I don't understand why it isn't company policy. After all, we'll more than make up for the installation fee if we can get the customer to buy from us rather than go to our competition.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

Melanie looked directly at Todd when she continued. “I see. So you feel that there's nothing wrong with bending the rules, even though the rest of us aren't doing that.”

Todd sat silently, his brows furrowed. He shrugged his shoulders and replied: “I only did it this one time.”

“But again, you're okay with doing something like that even if it's only one time?” Melanie asked.

Todd looked down. “I see where you're coming from.”

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

Melanie then said: “Even one time doesn't make it right. What you did isn't fair to other customers who aren't offered the same deal. And it isn't fair to the rest of us because we're following company policy. (“I” phrase) We need to resolve this and, from my viewpoint, the only solution is that this can't happen again.” (compromise)

Melanie stopped before saying that if it didn't stop she would go to their boss. She wanted to give Todd a chance to respond.

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

Todd said: “I never thought about it that way. You're right. I won't do it again.”

Melanie smiled and said: “Great. I'm glad we talked this out, and I'm glad you understand how damaging doing something like this can be. (resolution) I didn't want to take it to our boss before I had a chance to speak with you. We work closely together, and I don't want to jeopardize our working relationship.” (reconciliation)

“I appreciate that. Thanks, Mel.”

“You're welcome. But one more thing, Todd. I think you need to come clean, tell our boss why you did it, and assure her that you won't do it again,”

“Sure. You're right. I'll go talk to her now.”

Melanie was pleased that Todd agreed to stop and to talk to their boss about what happened.

Why This Works

Once Melanie overheard Todd cross the ethical boundary, she became responsible for handling the issue. Rather than going over his head to their boss, she decided to speak directly to Todd. She gave him a chance to explain, defined the problem, and gained his agreement that what he did was wrong. Then she offered a strong compromise solution. Even though he did seem to understand and agreed to her solution, Melanie felt it was necessary to take the extra step and tell him he needed to talk to their boss.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with an ethics violator:

• If you know about an ethical violation and ignore the situation, it may have negative repercussions for you.
• As soon as you become aware of an ethics violation, you become responsible for addressing or referring the issue.
• If you feel comfortable addressing the issue with your coworker, especially if the coworker may not know the conduct was improper, do so right away. Don't take a wait-and-see approach. But, first work through your conversation in your mind. This help you gain the confidence needed to speak assertively.
• Always give the other person the chance to explain, as this will help you better understand.
• Define the problem as it affects the company, other employees, and customers.
• The only compromise you will offer (and it isn't really a compromise, but rather a strong statement), is that the violation must never happen again.
• After you gain agreement from your coworker, clearly state that the offender needs to talk to your boss about it. Taking this step places the responsibility on the violator and also on the boss. If the violation is very serious or it's a dicey situation in which you don't feel comfortable speaking to your coworker, then address the issue with your boss.
• Make sure you have documentation to back up your accusation.

How to Deal with an Excessive Emailer

Leah opened her email inbox and muttered under her breath when she saw that 24 of the emails were sent by Richard that morning. He simply didn't seem to understand email etiquette. He felt the need to share every email he received, often using the “reply all” function, even when it wasn't necessary for everyone to read his reply. He often shared jokes and cc'd everyone. The email overload was causing Leah grief. Her day was busy enough without wading through the excess of emails Richard felt the need to send.

Email etiquette means to be mindful when sending and forwarding emails, yet many people don't understand the basic rules. They feel the need to bombard their coworkers with too many emails. They send out blanket emails rather than asking themselves: do the intended recipients really need to read this? They may muddle up their subject line to the point of confusion so the recipient has to open the email to see if the content is valid. They may ramble and write too much text when a few words would be appropriate. They use “reply all” when a “reply” sent to specific people is a better approach. And they forward personal jokes, chain mail, and other needless drivel to their coworkers who are already laden with too much email. If you work with an excessive emailer, then you were most likely nodding your head when you read the descriptions of the abusers.

If you're on the receiving end of a coworker who is an excessive emailer, you have a choice. You can delete the emails without reading them or add a spam filter, which may come back to bite you sometime if the person sends a valid email that you haven't seen. You can open each email and quickly scan the content, but this take valuable time. Or, you can speak to your coworker and explain email etiquette.

Leah had gotten into the habit of deleting all of Richard's emails as unnecessary reading. Then, one day last week, she missed an essential email that he had sent. Because she hadn't opened it, she came to a meeting unprepared to discuss an important topic. She felt she had made herself look weak, so since then she has opened every email and scanned the content. But that was taking too much time and she was getting tired of all the jokes and forwarded nonsense that Richard sent.

Step 1: Think First

Leah pondered the best way to handle the situation. She decided to address the problem head on, explain to Richard why this was causing a problem for her, and then tell Richard very specifically what types of emails she wanted to receive.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

“Richard, do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something,” Leah approached Richard toward the end of their workday.

“Yeah, but only if it's quick. I have a lot of emails I have to get through,” he replied.

“That's exactly what I want to speak to you about. I've only got so many hours to get all my work done and the number of emails you're forwarding is consuming too much of my time. I'm having a problem finishing my work and that's starting to stress me out.” (“I” phrase)

“Tell me about it! I have to read each of those emails before I send them on,” Richard laughed. He didn't appear to take Leah seriously.

Step 3: Define the Problem

“Richard, I'm serious about this,” Leah told him. “I do have a problem with receiving so many emails. I'll admit I started deleting most of your emails, but last week when I hadn't read the one that directly affected the discussion during our meeting, I realized that wasn't the right thing to do. On the other hand, I just don't have that kind of time to wade through so many emails, and if you're running behind at the end of the day because you have to read your emails, then it sounds as if you don't, either.”

“I've never thought about it that way but yeah, I guess I have to agree with you,” Richard said. “I get a lot too, maybe too many. But I do enjoy reading the jokes and I thought you did, too.”

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

“I appreciate that and I see where you're coming from. (understanding). But here's how I see it. While I enjoy good jokes, I don't enjoy them when they fill up my inbox. Let's see where we can come together on this.” (compromise) Leah hoped he understood and she continued in a confident tone. “Going forward, I'd only like to receive business-related emails that I really need to read.” (compromise)

“Well, okay. But how am I to know what you need to see and what you don't?” Richard asked.

Leah replied: “Let's just leave it as anything business related, with a few exceptions. If you're replying to an email, you probably don't need to reply to everyone. When you're writing an email that I do need to read, it would help if you keep the text short and to the point. And, as I said, as much as I enjoy a good joke, I don't enjoy them when they fill up my inbox, so no jokes, please.” (compromise)

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

Leah continued: “Can we please agree to that?” (resolution)

“Sure. I guess I've been guilty of taking the easy way out and forwarding stuff before taking the time to think about it. I promise I won't send you any more jokes, and I'll filter all emails before sending them to you,” Richard agreed.

“Thank you. I'm glad we talked about this. It may save you some time, too.” Leah responded. (reconciliation) “And if it's a really good joke, share it with me at break, okay?”

Richard laughed. “You got it.”

Why This Works

Leah had gotten into the habit of deleting all of Richard's emails but when she came to a meeting unprepared, she realized that wasn't the right approach. As a result, she began scanning every email to see if the content was valid. But that, too, wasn't the right approach because it was again taking up too much of her time. Because Leah stated specifically why this had become a problem, she was able to get Richard to agree with her. She was prepared to tell him what types of emails she wanted to receive, and they were able to reach a resolution. Leah ended the conversation on a positive note and made Richard feel valued when she asked him to share the good jokes when they went to break.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with an excessive emailer:

• In a work situation, don't decide to delete all emails from the offender. Some may be important.
• If you don't have time to scan every email from an email offender, talk to the person.
• Tell the person that you don't have the time to read unimportant emails that don't pertain to work. Explain why it's a problem for you. Get the person's buy-in that they understand.
• Offer a compromise by stating specifically the types of emails you want to receive.
• If you don't feel it's necessary to be cc'd on replies, say so.
• Always rule on the side of caution. You want to make sure you see the emails that may be pertinent, so make sure the person understands what you do need to see before ending your conversation and offering a phrase of reconciliation.

How to Deal with a Gossipmonger

Nick works in an office that employs over 100 employees. He tries to mind his own business and stay away from the grapevine chatter. He prides himself on being congenial to all of his coworkers, but of all the employees in the office, he wishes Brian, didn't occupy the cubicle next to his. Nick has grown tired of listening to Brian gossip about the goings on in—and out of—the office. He's tried to ignore him and has even pretended to be on calls whenever Brian pokes his head in his cubicle, but Brian somehow manages to corner him to share the latest news. Nick's aggravation turned to anger when Brian couldn't wait to say that someone told him that one of their coworkers was in big trouble and might get suspended for messing up an important report. Nick doesn't want to listen to gossip, and he really doesn't want to hear negative hearsay about a coworker he likes and respects. Nick walked away without defending the coworker but was sorry he didn't speak up because he knew that it wouldn't be long before Brian shared the next tidbit.

Like Brian, some people just like to gossip. They can't wait to share the latest news, even when it's hearsay and may not be accurate. They want to be part of the grapevine, the dispensers of information, the bearers of good—and bad—facts, rumors, and innuendos. Even if you like to hear gossip or inadvertently get caught up in the office grapevine, in the long run it's best to not involve yourself in this useless blather. It's also best not to repeat gossip you've heard. Someone might repeat something you said about another person that gets back to that person and accuse you of instigating nasty rumors. Or, another person can take something that you said out of context, and you'll find yourself needing to defend yourself. If any of these events occur, your coworkers and boss will lose trust in you.

So how do you avoid gossip? Just ignore the banter. Don't comment or make facial gestures that communicate your feelings. Remain calm, keep a passive facial expression, and if someone asks your opinion or goads you into agreeing, you can say: “I don't know enough about the situation to comment.” By remaining neutral, you'll let others know that you're not into gossip. If someone continuously gossips to you, as in Nick's case, it's probably best to ignore the person. The gossipmonger is looking for a response. So don't provide one. Don't raise your eyebrows or look shocked. By remaining unresponsive, the gossipmonger may get the hint and take the gossip elsewhere.

Nick knew that unless he spoke up, Brian wasn't going to stop gossiping. He decided to speak to Brian and tell him he didn't want to hear any more bad news about their coworkers and other office chatter.

Step 1: Think First

Nick figured that nothing he could say would change Brian's behavior. His goal in speaking up was twofold: he wanted to directly address the rumor involving the coworker whom Brian said was in hot water, and he wanted to make sure Brian understood that going forward he didn't want to listen to any gossip. Nick played out the conversation in his mind, focusing on how it affected him and how the conversation might affect Brian.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

When Brian poked his head in Nick's cubicle later that day to provide an update on the coworker, Nick spoke up. “Brian, come in and sit down. I'd like to talk to you about something.”

Brian looked excited as he sat down, ready to spill all the details. “You wouldn't believe what….”

Nick interrupted him and said, “Look, Brian, I didn't ask you in to tell me all the dirty details. I like John a lot, and it bothered me when you told me he was in trouble. (“I” phrase) In fact, I really don't like hearing any office gossip. I'm here to do my job. When you told me about him it bothered me and threw me off when I tried to refocus on my work.” (“I” phrase)

“I'm only repeating what I heard about John. It's not like I'm making this stuff up. Just want to keep you up to speed, Bro.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

Nick nodded, kept a neutral facial expression, and continued. “So what you're saying is that you're repeating things you hear to keep me informed, whether or not the information has been verified. And you're telling me whether or not I'm in the middle of completing an important project.”

“Well, when you put it like that, no I don't verify everything. I figure if someone tells me something it's true. And I didn't realize that I threw you off.”

Nick added: “So you do you understand my position. You understand how hearing unwanted gossip can interfere with me getting back into the work mode?”

“Well, I hadn't thought about that, but I guess so,” Brian said.

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

Nick leaned forward and said: “I can appreciate that you want to keep me informed about what's going on. (understanding) But Brian, as I said, I really don't want to know everyone else's business. I'd prefer if you didn't tell me anything about anyone in the office. I'd rather talk about other things or else just sit here and do my job.” (compromise)

“Well, if you don't want to hear any office news and you're so busy working maybe I just shouldn't talk to you at all,” Brian countered.

Nick had prepared himself for that type of defensive response. “Brian, I don't want you to take this the wrong way. I like you. I enjoy working with you. I like talking to you. But I just don't like hearing rumors and gossip about anyone. As long as we can keep our conversations on other topics, I'd appreciate that. It will help keep my head clear for work, too.” (compromise)

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

“Well, sure,” Brian said. “I can live with that.”

Nick smiled and said: “Great. (resolution) I'll enjoy our conversations a lot more when they don't involve our coworkers.” (reconciliation)

“I understand.”

Why This Works

Nick's purpose for having the conversation wasn't to change Brian's behavior. It was merely to change the topic of their conversations to avoid gossip. He clearly stated how hearing the rumor about the coworker had made him feel. He also explained that he didn't want to listen to gossip of any kind because it affected his ability to complete his work. When Brian became defensive, Nick was prepared. So, he offered an assurance and was able to turn the conversation around. Nick ended their interaction by reiterating that he'll enjoy their conversations more when they don't involve gossip. When Brian reaffirmed that he understood the dialogue ended on a positive note.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a gossipmonger:

• Try ignoring the gossip. Remain neutral and don't offer your opinion. Keep a passive facial expression and don't use gestures that indicate agreement or surprise.
• If someone asks for your opinion, tell them you'd rather not comment.
• If the gossipmonger is starting to get to you and is affecting your work, you need to speak up.
• Tell the person that you don't care to listen to any gossip and explain how it affects your work.
• Get the person to agree with how you defined the problem.
• Then offer a compromise.
• Gain agreement that the person will leave you out of the loop.
• If you find that listening to grapevine news and other gossip continues to be bothersome when you're with a group, it may be time to avoid the group.
• Consider this: If you hang with people who gossip, others are going to assume you're just like them.

How to Deal with a Know-It-All

Grace has been doing her job for three years. She's an experienced employee and rarely has to ask for help. Her boss has assigned her additional projects, and she's felt proud to have completed them successfully. She's also filled in for the boss when he's been on vacation. Grace works well with her team members and feels they respect her…all except Kyle, the team know-it-all. She's about had it up to her eyeballs with Kyle, whose superior attitude and desire to treat others as though they don't know how to do their jobs has gotten to her. She's talked to a couple of her coworkers about it, and they feel the same.

Know-it-alls think they know everything. They feel superior, are dismissive of others' opinions, are unwilling to listen to others, and love to tell others how to do their job. Know-it-alls like to hear themselves talk. This behavior may become so ingrained that it becomes part of the know-it-all's personality. The bottom line is that they don't know any other way to act. They come off as self-centered and pompous and easily irk you, especially if you know how to do your job well. You bite your tongue when he starts telling you what you already know. You bristle when she talks down to you. But there's an effective way to deal with the know-it-all, to gently put them in their place without sounding like a know-it-all yourself.

The key to dealing with these types is to use tact and assertiveness. When the know-it-all tells you how to do your job, speak up, say thank you, and then add that if you need help you'll be sure to ask. This may put an end to the behavior. If it doesn't, take the person aside and have a heart to heart. Explain how his actions make you feel. Allow him to save face by acknowledging that you think he's smart. But be prepared, because the person may not to back down and take responsibility.

In addition, understand that you're not going to completely change this person's behavior toward others. Your goal is to stop the behavior that's directed at you. If you're able to do that, then you'll be able to move forward and work with your coworker on a level playing field.

Grace has tactfully mentioned to Kyle that if she needs help she'll ask him, but he's continued to treat her as though she doesn't know what she's doing. Earlier today, during a meeting, Kyle alluded to the fact that he helped Grace complete a project when he hadn't. She fumed and decided it was time to confront him directly.

Step 1: Think First

Before Grace approached Kyle, she took time to calm down and diffuse her anger. She thought about what she was going to say and also how he'd respond. Thinking about the situation increased her confidence when she spoke to him.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

When they took their afternoon break, Grace said: “Kyle, there's something I want to talk to you about. Do you have time for us to go outside for a few minutes?” Kyle nodded.

“During the meeting today, it really bothered me that you said you had to help me finish the project, especially when I had already completed it when you asked me what I'd been working on,” Grace told him. (“I” phrase) While I appreciate that you were trying to help, when you said that it made me feel devalued.” (understanding, “I” phrase) Grace spoke assertively and tactfully, maintained eye contact, and presented a confident demeanor by standing up straight and allowing her hands to fall naturally at her sides.

Grace then kept quiet and allowed Kyle time to respond. He looked up and away from her, as though he was replaying the events of the meeting in his mind. Then he looked at her and said: “Sorry. But when you told me what you were working on, I'd already completed a project like that. I just wanted to let you know how I handled it.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

“Okay,” Grace said. “So even though I didn't ask for help, you thought you needed to help me.”

“Yeah,” Kyle admitted. “When I did that project the boss was very pleased with my work.”

“But again, even though I didn't ask for help, you thought you needed offer your input?” Grace asked.

Kyle shrugged his shoulders and nodded. “I didn't mean anything derogatory by it.”

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

Grace threw him an olive branch. “Look, Kyle, I appreciate that you're intelligent and are very good at what you do. I hope you appreciate that I'm also intelligent and know what I'm doing. I've been on the job for three years, and I'm proud that I'm good at what I do. When the boss assigned the project to me, he did so because he was confident that I'd do a good job. Because I don't want to continue to feel devalued when you offer input, I'd like for us to resolve this.” (compromise)

She continued. “I'd appreciate it in the future if you respect that I know what I'm doing. I'd also like to know I can count on you when I need help, but unless I ask, I'd like to be able to complete my projects by myself without your input.” (compromise)

Kyle didn't say anything. He looked a little peeved. “Can you agree to that?” Grace asked. (compromise)

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

Grace smiled warmly, and Kyle's look softened. “Yes, of course I'll agree to that. I'm sorry I've made you feel devalued.”

“Thank you,” Grace said. “I'm glad we talked this out because I do respect you, and I wouldn't want anything like this coming between us.” (resolution, reconciliation)

Why This Works

Grace could have kept quiet and continued to put up with Kyle's superior attitude, but she'd had enough and knew it was time to speak to him. By thinking first, then speaking assertively and respectfully, she had a constructive conversation with him. When she took the time to compliment Kyle on his job knowledge, he was more open to agree with the compromise she offered. While Grace understood that Kyle wasn't going to change his personality, she was pleased that he agreed to change his behavior toward her.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a know-it-all:

• If it doesn't cause you a problem, it may be best to ignore the behavior.
• If the person's behavior starts getting on your nerves, it's time to directly confront your coworker so that you can resolve the conflict.
• Think and plan how you can assertively speak up and tactfully let the coworker know you don't need the help or unsolicited advice.
• Let the coworker know how the behavior makes you feel.
• Define the problem and ask the coworker if he or she understands how you see it.
• If you reach a stalemate after offering a compromise, compliment the know-it-all on what he or she does particularly well, as this will usually change this person's attitude toward you.
• Reiterate that you also know what you're doing.
• Add that if you do need help, you'll be sure to ask for it.
• After gaining agreement on your proposed solution, offer phrases of resolution and reconciliation.

How to Deal with a Late-Nick

Holly was growing increasingly upset with her coworker, Sarah, who continually arrived late for work. Once again this morning, Sarah came rushing to her desk, but what really annoyed Holly was that Sarah had made an appointment with a customer. When he asked for Sarah, Holly introduced herself, apologized, and explained that Sarah hadn't arrived yet. The customer was clearly peeved. Holly didn't feel it was proper to make him wait for Sarah to rush in, so she handled his claim. To make matters worse, Sarah didn't even apologize to Holly, but rather brushed if off with a joke when Holly said something. Holly began to wonder if Sarah felt that the rules were made for everyone but her. Now that her lateness had affected a customer, Holly was more than irritated.

Some people are habitually late. Like Sarah, they feel that time constraints don't pertain to them. They show up late for dinner, fail to pick you up on time, and run into work late every morning. When these behaviors become habitual, these late-nicks can really bug you. You do a slow burn when once again they arrive late. You feel they aren't respectful of others or perhaps feel their time is more valuable. You may or may not speak up, but if you don't stop the behavior, you're likely to continue to do a slow burn.

When a coworker repeatedly shows up late for work, you have a right to speak directly to that person, especially if you're required to do his or her work. But, first try to figure out why the person is a late-nick, as that will help you determine how to structure your conversation. Does she have too much on her plate? Is she stressed to the max? Is he the type of person who doesn't like to live by rules? If the person has too much on her plate and is under a lot of stress, you'll handle the conversation more delicately you would with a person who feels that rules are made for everyone but him.

Sarah usually made a side comment that she thought she left home early enough to arrive on time. So, after thinking about the situation, Holly concluded that Sarah couldn't accurately judge time and wasn't leaving early enough. But when Holly had to handle Sarah's customer, that was the last straw. The lateness needed to stop.

Step 1: Think First

Holly was tired of hearing the same excuse, so she decided the best way to handle the conversation would be to let Sarah know how the lateness was affecting her. She also planned to offer a suggestion that could help her arrive on time.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

The next morning, when Sarah rushed to her desk and said she thought she had left early enough, Holly said: “Sarah, you say the same thing every day. I manage to make it on time every morning, and it bugs me that you're coming in late every day, especially since I had to handle your customer yesterday. I don't think that's fair.” (“I” phrase)

“I'm sorry, Holly. I think I'm leaving early enough. Maybe the clock here is different than at home.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

Holly smiled and nodded, raising her eyebrows in understanding. “Sure, if your clock is different, that could be the problem.” (understanding) “But since you missed your appointment with your customer yesterday, it affected how I started my day, and that's a problem for me. (“I” phrase) Can you see where I'm coming from?”

“Well that only happened one time. I don't see that it's a big deal,” Sarah countered.

“Look, Sarah, it happened one time, but if you continue to come in late, it's likely to happen again. I just want to know that you understand where I'm coming from,” Holly said.

Sarah replied: “I do. I said I'm sorry you had to handle my customer.”

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

“Can I offer a suggestion that could help?” (compromise) Holly was happy that she had thought through the conversation beforehand and was prepared to offer a suggestion.

“Sure,” Sarah said.

“Why not set your home clock 15 minutes early? That way you should have no trouble getting here on time. (compromise) In fact, I like to arrive a little early as it helps me start my day much more relaxed,” Holly added. (“I” phrase)

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

“That should help,” Sarah said. “I'll reset all my clocks when I get home, so tomorrow you should see me arrive on time!”

“Excellent! (resolution). I think you'll find that arriving on time will help your day start off more calmly,” Holly told her. (reconciliation)

Why This Works

Holly could have continued to do a slow burn whenever Sarah arrived late, but after handling a potentially irate customer, she decided to confront her and offer a suggestion to help Sarah get to work on time. Holly could also have complained to her boss, but she thought a better approach was to speak to Sarah directly. After all, if someone had a problem with her, Holly would rather hear about it from a coworker. After thinking about the prospective conversation, Holly decided to speak up the next time Sarah rushed in late. She was able to get Sarah to understand how her coming in late was affecting her and how it also affected a customer. Holly was prepared to offer a suggestion, which Sarah took to heart. Holly was pleased that she spoke up and that Sarah understood that her lateness was a cause of concern to her coworker.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a late-nick:

• Don't suffer in silence. If someone's lateness affects you or your customers, speak up.
• Be sensitive to any personal issues that may be causing the problem.
• Explain to the person how being consistently late affects you.
• Make sure the late-nick understands why this is a problem.
• Be prepared to offer a workable suggestion that will help the person get to work on time.
• If the problem persists and it continues to bother you, you can either learn to ignore it or take the matter to your boss.

How to Deal with a Loudmouth

Becky was at her wit's end. She felt her blood pressure rising as her coworker, Eric, once again spoke to his customer as though he was talking in a wind tunnel. Becky was attempting to handle a customer's complaint on the phone, but had a difficult time shutting out Eric's voice. To make matters worse, her customer commented that she wondered how Becky could concentrate with all that noise. Becky replied that it was indeed difficult. She managed to get through the call and gave Eric a perturbed look, which he ignored.

It's hard when you're the unlucky one who works near a loudmouth. These coworkers talk so loud you have trouble hearing yourself think, not to mention trying to speak with your customers. As with Becky, matters are complicated when your customers hear the loudmouth and comment on it. Loudmouths' voices travel through the workplace as though they are speaking through a bullhorn. In addition to talking loudly, they may whistle, chew, move, or breathe loudly as well. To sum it up, working near a loudmouth can be hard on your ears. And loudmouths probably aren't even aware of the decibel level of their voices.

Depending on your workplace, you can try wearing earplugs or listening to a white noise machine. But how practical is that approach? Most likely not very, especially if you speak to customers or need to converse with coworkers. Let's face it: you need your ears! So how do you handle a loudmouth? Giving a perturbed look may work. Or, it may not. Saying “shh” may also work. But if you're at your wits end and feel your blood pressure rising whenever the loudmouth speaks…or whistles…or chews…or moves…or breathes, you need to speak up and handle the problem. Keep the focus on yourself, on how you have a difficult time concentrating and on how it's difficult for you to do your job. If customers have commented, you can also use that as back up.

Later that day, when Becky again had difficulty hearing a customer, she stood, faced Eric, and whispered through gritted teeth: “Will you please speak more quietly?” Eric looked at her with an annoyed expression and then gave her the brush off signal with his hand, letting her know that she was interfering with his ability to pay attention to his customer. Becky decided she had to take Eric aside and talk to him about her problem.

Step 1: Think First

Becky liked Eric, so she didn't really know what to say. But she knew that she needed to speak up because he didn't seem to understand how loudly he spoke. She thought about how to approach him without making him mad or defensive. She played through the conversation in her mind and then decided she was ready to have the conversation.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

Becky waited until they were both off the phone and said: “Eric, do you have a minute?”

“Sure, Beck, what's up?” Eric smiled openly. Becky's heart sank because she didn't like confrontation, especially with someone she liked.

“Well, this is hard for me to say, Eric, but you talk so loud I have trouble hearing my customers. It's become really difficult for me to concentrate on my calls.” (“I” phrase)

“What? No one else seems to have a problem,” Eric countered

Becky offered: “Well, actually, some of my customers do. Just this morning another customer commented that she could hear you.”

Eric became defensive. “And some of my customers probably hear you too. None of our coworkers seem to have a problem with me.”

Becky smiled sincerely. “I've never talked to our coworkers about this. Eric, I'm sure you don't realize how loudly you speak. (understanding) But sometimes I do have trouble hearing my customers over your voice. And when they comment to me that they can hear you I know it's not just me being overly sensitive.” (“I” phrase)

Eric said, “I didn't realize that I spoke that loud.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

Becky was relieved that Eric no longer seemed defensive. “I know you don't speak loudly on purpose. (understanding) And, I hope you understand that when I have trouble hearing my customers it causes a problem.”

He nodded and smiled. “I understand, and I can see how that would cause a problem.”

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

Becky continued: “I'd like to find a solution that we can live with. If we both try to speak more softly we should have no problem hearing our customers. How does that sound?” (compromise)

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

Eric joked: “As long as you promise to hold it down, I'll agree.” They both laughed.

Becky said: “I promise. (resolution) And no hard feelings, okay? You're so much fun to work with I wouldn't want to change that.” (reconciliation)

Eric said: “I feel the same way!”

Why This Works

After standing and whispering to Eric to be quiet, his offhand response made Becky realize that he wasn't aware that he spoke so loud that it disturbed her concentration. After thinking about how best to handle a conversation with him, Becky began by saying how hard it was for her to even speak to Eric about this. Then, she stated clearly how his loud voice was affecting her ability to hear her customers. She was able to give a concrete example from one of her customers that helped Eric understand the problem. Even though Becky knew that she didn't speak loudly, she compromised and included herself in the proposed solution that they both speak more softly, and Eric readily agreed. Becky was happy that she finally had the nerve to speak up about the issue and proud of the manner in which they resolved the conflict.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a loudmouth:

• Consider that loudmouths may not realize they're causing a problem for their coworkers.
• First try gently “shh-ing” the coworker when he or she interferes with your ability to hear your customers.
• If that doesn't work (and it may not), your next step should be to speak to the coworker.
• Think first about the best approach to take with your coworker, who may not realize he or she is interfering with your ability to hear. Explain that it's tough for you to concentrate and hear the person with whom you're speaking.
• Be prepared to offer examples, such as a customer commenting on the loudness.
• Use tact when speaking to your coworker, as the person may become defensive.
• Assure the person that you're the one having the problem, and then offer your best solution.
• If the problem continues after speaking to your coworker, you may have to ask your boss to move you to a quieter location.

How to Deal with a Meeting Monopolizer

Ben groaned when he thought about the afternoon's schedule. As the team leader, he ran the weekly staff meeting, which he had come to dread because he knew that Jason would hop on his soapbox and dominate the conversation, as he did during every meeting. As a result, meetings ran longer than they should and, more importantly, other team members clammed up because they just wanted the meetings to end. But what bothered Ben the most was that in the last meeting someone blurted out a rude comment, which caused Jason to say something rude in return.

Meeting monopolizers make you want to avoid meetings all together. They may interrupt someone who's speaking, drone on about an issue, go off on a tangent that isn't relevant to the meeting, or ask too many questions. These people love to talk; they also love to hear themselves talk. They feel that whatever they have to say is so important that it needs to be said, even if they take over the meeting by doing so and hold the other attendees hostage while they go on and on and on.

The bottom line is that meetings may be a part of your work schedule, but your time is too valuable to have them last overly long—especially when that's due to one of your coworkers talking too much. There are a couple ways to handle someone who monopolizes meetings. You can start by using peer pressure. Try joking by saying something like: “Jason, it's time to come up for air and let someone else talk. From now on, twenty words or less!” Everyone will laugh at the “joke” and hopefully the coworker will get it. But what if he doesn't? Or, what if he becomes defensive, as Jason did in the last meeting? Then it's up to the person conducting the meeting to deal with the issue. If that person is you, it's best to deal with it at the start of the next meeting before the monopolizer gets going.

Ben didn't want a repeat of the rude banter that occurred in the last meeting. He knew he'd have to say something to stop Jason's behavior.

Step 1: Think First

Ben decided the best approach would be to set some ground rules at the beginning of the meeting. He also felt it was important to address what happened during the last meeting. Ben didn't feel there was any reason to belabor the point with all the attendees by trying to gain a better understanding as to why Jason was monopolizing the meetings, so he planned to open the meeting by defining the problem. Because he had rehearsed what he planned to say, he spoke assertively. He also paid attention to his body language. He sat up straight, made eye contact with all the team members as he spoke, and his tone of voice conveyed confidence.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

Not applicable, as explained in Step 1.

Step 3: Define the Problem

Ben thanked the team members for coming, then said: “Before we begin this meeting, I think we need to address what happened last week. Jason, I want to apologize if we offended you in any way. I'm sure what was said was meant as a joke, and I hope you understand that.” (understanding) He looked directly at Jason as he said that. Then, as he continued, he made eye contact with each person: “And we all need to respect each other since we have a time commitment for our meetings. It's important that everyone has the opportunity to share ideas and not feel left out. (“I” phrase) Would you all agree that's important?”

Ben looked at each attendee, and when they all had nodded or voiced agreement, he continued.

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

“After the last meeting, I came up with a solution I'm positive will work. First, I want each of you to have a chance to contribute. So going forward, I'd like everyone to hold their comments until I finish presenting each issue on the agenda. At that time, I'll go around the table and ask each of you for your input. That way everyone will have a chance to contribute. But…I also brought a timer. I've thought about how much time is realistic and decided that each of us, including me, will have two minutes to address each item. This way, we'll stay on target and get through the meetings in a timely manner. How do you feel about doing that?” (compromise)

Ben waited for a response, which was positive from the team members. He then looked at Jason, who nodded in agreement. But then Joe spoke up. “I'm thinking about the two minutes for each of us to speak. There's usually 10 of us at the meeting. If we all have something to say, it'll require 20 minutes for each item. I think you should have two minutes to present the item, but I think one minute for the responses should be adequate.”

“How does everyone feel about one minute to respond?” Ben asked.

After a short discussion, the attendees were in agreement that one minute would be doable.

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

Ben then said: “Great! I'm glad we're all in agreement. I'm confident that this approach will work and that we'll get done with our meetings quicker.” (resolution)

The meeting ran smoothly, and the team members seemed to enjoy the timer approach. Before adjourning the meeting Ben said: “I want to thank each of you for respecting our time. I'm glad we were able to work this out in a respectful manner.” (reconciliation)

Why This Works

In this situation, there was no point in taking Jason aside to try to gain a better understanding as to why he was monopolizing meetings. The problem affected the rest of the attendees, so Ben decided that opening the meeting by defining the problem and then offering a compromise to set new ground rules was the best approach. By addressing the problem and offering a solution, everyone was able to discuss and reach an agreement. This made everyone feel valued. Because he maintained his confidence, Ben also gained respect as a leader who didn't ignore problems.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a meeting monopolizer:

• If you're not conducting the meeting, try politely interjecting a comment to let the person know that you have something to say.
• If the offender is a coworker who continuously monopolizes every meeting, you may try taking a humorous approach to let the person know it's time to be quiet.
• If you are the meeting leader, you might politely interrupt the monopolizer and say something like: “That's a good point. I'd like to hear how everyone else feels.”
• Understand that this approach most likely isn't going to work long term and that it's best to address the issue directly.
• At the beginning of your next meeting, define the problem. Gain the attendees agreement that they understand.
• Offer a compromise by setting meeting ground rules that limit everyone's time to contribute.
• Make sure that everyone buys into the compromise and proposed solution, which most likely the other attendees will. Or, in the case above, a discussion about an alternate solution may ensue. Just be sure to gain agreement on the best solution.
• It's also important to gain agreement from the offender.
• Then stick to your guns. If the person tries gaining control of the meeting, remind the person of the ground rules everyone agreed to.

How to Deal with a Mistake Maker

Anna was tired of fixing Ryan's mistakes. Ryan is fairly new, but he received the same training that Anna did when she was hired, and she didn't make as many mistakes when she was new.

Like Anna, you may be tired of cleaning up other people's messes, and it can get tiresome very quickly if you're cleaning up the same person's messes. Then, you have to wonder: Does your coworker suffer from a lack of training or a lack of motivation? Before jumping on the problem and speaking to your coworker, analyze the situation.

Is your coworker new? Has he been properly trained? Has your boss followed up to make sure he's doing the job correctly? If you determine that your coworker needs additional training, you may decide to help by offering to be his mentor. Tell the person you understand what it's like not to feel fully comfortable with job duties and that you'll be happy to be the go-to person for any questions he has.

But suppose your coworker has been trained. She's attended the same training classes that you have. She should know the job as well as you, but she continually makes mistakes. After thinking about the situation, you conclude that she always seems scattered. Has something happened in her life recently? Is she on stress overload because of home responsibilities? Or, is she simply not that committed to the job? When you take the time to try to figure out what's going on in her life, you may gain insight that will help you direct the conversation.

Anna didn't know much about Ryan personally, so she couldn't draw any conclusions that might help determine whether he needed additional training or just didn't care.

Step 1: Think First

Anna decided it was time to speak up about Ryan's tendency to make mistakes. However, before she approached him, she took the time to analyze the situation. Because she didn't know enough to determine the cause of the mistakes, she'd need to draw the reasons from him. Anna waited for a time when they'd be alone before approaching Ryan.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

On their way back from lunch, Anna said: “There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about. I want you to know that I understand what it's like to be the new kid on the block and feel out of your comfort zone. (understanding) What I wanted to talk to you about is that this week I've fixed three errors you made on orders and that's caused me to get backed up with my own work. Right now I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.” (“I” phrase) She smiled sympathetically, made eye contact, and conveyed concern with her facial expression.

“Geez, I'm sorry about that,” Ryan said sheepishly.

“No need to apologize,” Anna responded “I just wanted to talk to you so we can figure out what's going on and see if I can help you. (compromise) Each of the errors had to do with assigning the correct dispatch codes.”

“I admit I'm struggling with that,” Ryan told her. “There are so many codes to remember and it takes too long to look them all up on the computer, so I'm trying to go from my memory. I guess that's the wrong approach.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

Anna nodded to show she understood and said: “So what's happening is that you're trying to remember them all, which can be pretty much impossible. I remember feeling exactly like you do. I didn't think I'd ever learn them all. But over time I've learned most of them. And you will too.” (understanding)

Ryan nodded in agreement.

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

“How does this sound?” she continued. “I'll be happy to make up a quick reference sheet with the more common codes. (compromise) You can keep that handy, and you'll only have to check the computer for the ones that we don't typically deal with. In fact, there are times I still have to do that myself.” They both laughed.

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

“Wow! That would be a huge help,” Ryan said. “I appreciate that you talked to me about this rather than going to the boss.”

“Of course!” Anna replied. “I'm glad that I can offer something that'll help you. (resolution) As I said, I fully understand what it's like to be the new kid on the block. (understanding) If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to come to me. You'll catch on in no time. I'm happy to help you feel more comfortable here.” (reconciliation)

Why This Works

Anna didn't want to continue fixing Ryan's mistakes, but before she confronted him, she took the time to think about the situation from Ryan's perspective. This helped her empathize with how it felt being new. During the conversation, she displayed concern through her body language and facial expressions. She spoke in a direct manner, citing the specific types of mistakes she had to fix. Anna showed that she was truly interested in finding out what was causing the errors. When Ryan stated that he was trying to go from memory, Anna suggested a compromise by offering to make up a quick reference for him. Ryan appreciated that she didn't go directly to their boss. Because Anna demonstrated that she cared and was trustworthy, these two coworkers will develop a close working relationship.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a mistake maker:

• Don't confront the person until you've analyzed what's causing the problem.
• Be specific, and provide examples of the errors you've fixed.
• If necessary, ask questions to better understand.
• Together, define the problem.
• If you discover it's a training issue, offer to show the correct procedure.
• If your coworker is new, offer to mentor.
• If you feel that it's caused by a lack of motivation to do the job correctly, address the problem with your coworker and explain how the mistakes affect you. Give the coworker the chance to explain. Try to reach a compromise. If that doesn't work, seek help from your boss and be prepared to provide specifics.

How to Deal with a Negative Nelly

Susan avoided Mike at all costs. Mike was a negative Nelly and Susan, a positive person, couldn't stand listening to him complain about anything and everything. Whenever she saw him in the hall, she pretended to answer her cell phone. Whenever he walked toward her work station, she picked up the phone and pretended she was making a call. Still, Mike managed to corral Susan whenever she didn't see him coming. And once he started his complaining, there was no turning off the switch. Susan had learned that making upbeat comments had no effect, so she stopped trying to get Mike to see things from a more positive perspective. Being negative was so engrained into his personality, that's all Mike seemed to understand.

Negative people can really bring you down, and rarely, if ever, will you be able to bring them up. Like Mike, some folks are wired with a negativity gene and every time they open their mouths you can guarantee that something downbeat and depressing will come out. For these people, something is always wrong. And to a positive person, that becomes tiring quickly. The truth is that it's tough being around negative people, especially if you view the world through rose-colored glasses.

Perhaps you've tried unsuccessfully to cheer up your negative co-worker. You may have tried to get him to see the situation from your positive perspective. Or, you may have countered her negative rant with an uplifting response. Most likely, you've been met with more negativity. So don't try to get this person to see the world from your vantage point. Just as it's difficult for you to understand the negativity, it's equally as difficult for the negative Nelly to understand your cheeriness. The best way to deal with a negative Nelly may be, like Susan, to avoid the person at all costs. But you also know that may prove impossible when it's a coworker with whom you interact on a daily basis. If you can't learn to ignore the negativity, then speak to the person. Tell him or her how the negativity affects you. Be prepared to offer specific examples. Empathize with the person, but stress that all that negativity brings you down and you're not willing to listen to it any longer.

Susan had enough of Mike's negativity, so she decided to let him know she was no longer going to be a willing participant in listening to his constant moaning and groaning.

Step 1: Think First

Susan wanted to handle her conversation with Mike in a way that would end well, and she didn't want to anger him. She only wanted him to understand how his negativity was affecting her and make it clear that she really didn't want to hear to it any longer.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

The next time Mike came into her workstation, Susan didn't pretend to be on a phone call. Rather, she sat up straight and made eye contact. When he started his negative rant, she said: “Excuse me, Mike, but there's something I need to say. Every time you speak to me it's to complain about one thing or another, and it's really getting to me. All the complaining brings me down.” (“I” phrase)

Mike replied: “Wow! That came out of nowhere.”

Susan realized he took her comment the wrong way, so she softened her approach. “Look Mike, I like you. I like working with you. And I empathize with you that you'd like some things to change around here. (understanding) I'd like some things to change too. But I don't think that complaining is going to make things better. In fact, for me complaining makes them worse because I'm focused more on what's wrong than on what's right. And there are a lot of things that are right too.” (“I” phrase)

Mike countered, “Well yeah, I agree with you. But there's a lot of stuff going on that bugs me.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

Susan was prepared for his negative response and took the opportunity to define the problem. “So do you feel that complaining about them is going to change things?”

“No, but when something bugs me I have to get it off my chest,” he said.

“Okay. So you have to get things off your chest and that's why you complain to me?”

Mike shrugged his shoulders. Susan stayed silent, looked at him, and waited for him to say something that demonstrated he understood. After an uncomfortable silence, he said: “I guess so. I don't like keeping everything bottled up inside.”

Susan didn't back down: “But do you understand how all the negativity is affecting me?”

“You made that clear,” Mike responded. “I'm sorry if I've been a downer.”

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

She continued to maintain a confident demeanor and made eye contact when she said, “As I mentioned before, I really do understand where you're coming from. (understanding) And I'm glad that you understand that I don't want to fill my day with negativity. Can we agree to keep our conversation on neutral topics?” (compromise) Susan smiled at Mike and gave him an understanding look.

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

Mike smiled and nodded. “Sure.”

Susan added: “I'm glad you and I can agree to that. (resolution) The way I view work is that I have to be here eight hours a day and I need to keep my mood positive; otherwise I'd go home in a bad mood every night. Thanks for understanding.” (reconciliation)

Why This Works

This was a tough conversation for Susan because she knew Mike wasn't going to change his personality and suddenly view the world more positively. But she also wasn't willing to continue having him bring her down every time they spoke. So she decided to tell Mike point-blank that she wasn't willing to listen to his complaining, but she wanted to say it in a way that wouldn't offend or anger him. Susan kept a confident demeanor and made eye contact when she spoke to Mike. She told him how his negativity brought her down, was able to define the problem, and got him to admit that he didn't like keeping his feelings bottled up. When she reiterated that she wasn't willing to listen to all the negativity and offered a compromise that they keep their conversations on neutral topics, Mike had no choice but to agree, and Susan quickly followed up with phrases of resolution and reconciliation.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a negative Nelly:

• Your best approach may be to ignore the negativity.
• Don't try to cheer this person up. It won't work.
• Don't allow a negative Nelly to affect your attitude.
• If you can, avoid the negative Nelly at all costs.
• Take your break and eat lunch at a different time, which may help you avoid entering into conversations.
• If can't avoid this person, then speak up.
• State how the negativity brings you down.
• Confidently tell the person you're not willing to listen to all the complaining.
• Be prepared to cite examples if the person denies being a constant complainer.
• Make sure the person understands how the negativity is affecting you, as this will help the negative Nelly understand that it's causing you a problem.
• Offer a compromise by assertively saying that you want to keep your conversations on neutral topics.
• It may help to empathize with the person, but be very clear that you aren't willing to continue listening to the complaining.

How to Deal with a Personal Hygiene Offender

Vanessa has bad breath. In fact, some days her breath is so bad her coworkers dread being near her. Unfortunately for Claire, she doesn't have much choice since she occupies the desk next to Vanessa's. She's tried facing the other way, keeping her distance when speaking to Vanessa, running a small fan facing in Vanessa's direction, and spraying a room deodorizer, yet her coworker hasn't taken the hint. Claire likes Vanessa and doesn't know how to approach the subject. She doesn't want to hurt her feelings, so she keeps her distance.

Personal hygiene offenders take many shapes and forms. If the offender is wearing unkempt or stained clothes to work or has oily hair or dirty fingernails, it may be best to let your boss deal with it. But when the problem affects you, why endure it? If it's caused by an offensive smell, such as bad breath, body odor, or excessive perfume, and you're unwilling to put up with the offending odor, it's best to say something.

This is probably the touchiest subject to address because you're talking about someone's personal hygiene. Although you'll learn to address the issue tactfully, unless you feel confident speaking to the person it may be best to talk to your boss and let him or her handle the situation. If you do decide you're up to having the conversation, don't make a big deal out of it. Tactfully state what you've noticed and be respectful if the person becomes embarrassed or defensive.

The next morning, Claire noticed that one of their coworkers put a bottle of mouthwash on Vanessa's desk and then laughed with others. Claire removed the bottle before Vanessa saw it. She mulled over speaking to her boss about this, but felt that if the situation were reversed, she'd rather hear about it from a coworker than her boss.

Step 1: Think First

Claire thought about how to handle the situation and felt so uncomfortable she almost talked herself out of having the conversation. But she kept coming to the same conclusion: If the situation were reversed, she'd want to know about it, especially if some of her coworkers were laughing behind her back. So she decided to take the plunge and speak to Vanessa, yet handle the conversation in a very sensitive and thoughtful manner.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

When they were walking to their cars after work, Claire decided it was a good time to speak up. “Vanessa, this is such a tough subject for me to address, but lately, I've noticed an odor coming from you that I'm sure you're not aware of. I think it might be your breath. I'm concerned about the impact this may have on our coworkers and customers, and it's affecting me. (“I” phrase) “I hope you understand that I'm coming to you as a friend. If the situation were reversed, I'd rather hear it from you than someone else.” (understanding)

Vanessa looked mortified. “I'm so embarrassed. I had no idea.”

Claire said: “I hope you realize that I'm telling you this because I care about you. (understanding) I don't like having this conversation, but after thinking about it, I know I'd want someone telling me.”

“Oh yes,” Vanessa said. “I agree. I have a tooth that's been bothering me, and I have a dentist appointment next week. I wonder if that's the cause.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

Claire nodded, maintaining a concerned look on her face. “If you have a tooth that's bothering you, that very well could be the reason for the problem with your breath.” Claire felt they were in agreement about the cause of the odor so she moved to the next step.

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

“I'm sure your dentist will be able to figure out what's causing it,” Claire offered. (resolution) She was relieved that Vanessa hadn't become defensive. She hadn't offered a compromise, but she didn't feel that was necessary. She reinforced the resolution that Vanessa had a dentist appointment and felt there was no need to prolong this step of the conversation.

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

Vanessa hugged Claire, and then covered her mouth when she spoke. “I'm really glad you came to me about this.”

Claire responded: “Me too. I care about you and even though this was really difficult for me, I felt it was best that I speak to you about it. I know I'd want someone to speak to me if I had a problem I wasn't aware of” (reconciliation)

Why This Works

Confronting someone about a personal hygiene issue is very difficult. But speaking to Vanessa was a much more respectful solution than taking a passive–aggressive measure, such as anonymously putting mouthwash on her desk. Claire handled the situation tactfully and respectfully. She didn't make a huge deal out of it, but candidly addressed what she had noticed and stated that the odor was affecting her. When Vanessa became embarrassed, Claire offered a positive assurance. Because Claire conveyed that she was speaking to Vanessa out of concern, they were able to move through the conversation with Claire reassuring her that seeing the dentist the following week would most likely result in a successful outcome.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a personal hygiene offender:

• If the problem is due to someone's appearance and it doesn't affect you, ignore it.
• If the problem is caused by an unpleasant odor, such as body odor, bad breath, or too much perfume, it's best to speak to the person directly—if you're comfortable having the conversation.
• If you don't feel comfortable speaking to the person, then by all means take the issue to your boss.
• If you decide you're able to have the conversation, be prepared for the person to become embarrassed or defensive.
• Remain calm and offer a positive assurance that you're speaking out of concern.
• Define the problem as it affects other people and try to get the person to take ownership.
• Then offer a suggestion that might alleviate the problem.
• At the end of the conversation, offer a phrase of reconciliation and reiterate that you care about the person and that's why you're speaking to him or her about it.

How to Deal with a Personal Space Invader

Bob cringed whenever Stan came around because he'd move in so close he made Bob uncomfortable. Earlier today, when Bob was speaking on the phone to a customer, Stan hovered over him, waiting for him to finish. Bob became so unnerved he lost his train of thought and had to place his customer on hold to ask Stan what he wanted. Bob had enough of Stan's personal space invading, but he didn't really know how to handle the situation.

We all have a comfort level when it comes to proximity and personal space. Standing about two feet from another person is generally considered a safe distance, but some people don't seem to understand the rule. They stand too close, get in your face, and hover over you when you're seated. They're not doing this to annoy you. They just don't have proximity boundaries. Touch can be another form of personal space invasion; some people aren't comfortable with someone touching them. Patting someone's hand, putting an arm around the person, or any other form of touch that's done to enhance communication may be offensive to the receiver.

The best way to handle a personal space invader is through body language. Often, if you back up when someone gets too close, they'll back off a bit. The same goes for people who pat your hand or put their arm around you. If you back away, they should get the message. If they don't, then it's time to say something.

At the same time, if you find that people with whom you're speaking are continually backing up or leaning away from you, you're probably guilty of being a space invader and need to back off a little. Pay attention to other people's body language and be careful not to get in anyone's space! And always keep your hands to yourself.

Bob always backed up whenever Stan got too close, but Stan didn't get the message. Bob liked Stan and felt uncomfortable telling him to back off.

Step 1: Think First

Bob decided the best way to speak to Stan was to make a joke of it. That way he felt he wouldn't offend Stan or hurt his feelings. Close proximity was comfortable for Stan. It wasn't for Bob.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

The next time Stan got in his space, Bob said: “Hey Stan, you'd better stand back a bit. I ate garlic for lunch.” He held his hand over his mouth and waved his other hand up and down as though trying to get rid of the odor. But then Bob realized this was a temporary fix, and he quickly decided that the best approach was honesty. He couldn't feign a garlic lunch every time Stan got too close.

So he added: “Actually, I didn't have garlic for lunch. The truth is that I'm not comfortable standing so close.” (“I” phrase) Then he made a sweeping arm gesture and laughed. “I seem to have this invisible force field, and it's just about an arm's length.”

Stan said: “Geez, I didn't realize I was doing that.”

“Oh, I know that. You're just more comfortable being close to people than I am.” (understanding)

Stan looked mortified. “I'm sorry, Bob.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

Bob felt bad since Stan truly didn't seem to know he was invading his space. “No need to apologize. I'm the one with the issue, not you. I just hope that you understand where I'm coming from.”

“Oh sure,” Stan said.

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

Then Bob added: “It's just that I'd appreciate it if you'll stand a little farther from me. That'll make me feel a whole lot more comfortable.” Bob's comment was made in a joking manner to let Stan know he was taking responsibility for having the problem with closeness. (compromise, “I” phrase)

Stan laughed with him but then grew serious. “Has anyone else said anything?”

Bob shook his head. “No, I've never discussed it with anyone. Hey, we all have different comfort levels so I may be the only one who needs my space. I don't want to offend you but I felt it was important to say something. Hope you're okay with it.” (compromise)

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

Stan nodded. “Sure! I'll be more mindful of that and keep a little more distance between us.”

Bob laughed, then added: I'm glad we talked about it. And thanks for understanding.” (resolution, reconciliation)

Why This Works

This is a tough subject to bring up because the space invader isn't deliberately doing anything to annoy you. Some people are just more comfortable being close to others. Since Stan didn't get the message when Bob backed up and moved away from him and since it bothered Bob, he did the right thing by bringing it up. Bob liked Stan, yet when he joked about eating garlic, he immediately realized that wasn't the best approach. So, he addressed the issue directly and honestly. By taking responsibility for not being comfortable with closeness, Bob didn't embarrass Stan and they were able to end the conversation on a positive note.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a personal space invader:

• If you back up, space invaders may realize they're too close.
• If someone pats your hand, slowly pulling back your hand will send a message that the touch is unwanted.
• Similarly, if someone puts an arm around you or hugs you, backing away will send a clear message.
• If these measures don't work and the person continually invades your space, you'll either have to accept the proximity or speak up.
• If you decide to speak up, taking responsibility for the discomfort may be the best tactic to use in getting your point across and not embarrassing the person.
• Define the problem as it affects you. Joking about your need for distance may alleviate any discomfort or embarrassment the other person may feel.
• Offer a compromise and ask for agreement.
• Be sure to end the conversation on a positive note, either by joking about your need for distance or, as Bob did, thanking the person for understanding.

How to Deal with a Slacker

Lydia and Tom have worked together for three months. He transferred from another office and even though he was as experienced as she, Tom hasn't been doing an equal share of the work. He has such a fun personality that at first Lydia didn't mind pulling the extra weight. But lately it's started annoying her that she's doing more than her fair share of the work.

Do you work with someone who always manages to fly under the radar? If you do, your coworker is likely a slacker. The biggest problem in dealing with slackers is that they're usually likeable people. They're easy going and fun to be around. That's part of their charm. But they also have a knack for avoiding work and responsibility. They look like they're working when, in fact, they're doing nothing constructive. These are the people who don't volunteer for projects and then come up with good excuses for avoiding them. These are also the people who are very good at convincing others that they're pulling their weight.

Slackers may even fool the boss. They may think they're clever, but to deal with this type of worker, you're going to have to be a little cleverer. When the boss asks for volunteers for yet another project, you could suggest that the team members discuss their current projects so that everyone will know who's able to take on another one. This is a great way to make the slacker come clean. When everyone states what they already have going on and the slacker can't honestly take credit for the same amount of work, it'll be clear who should take on this project.

But if you don't have the opportunity to make the slacker take responsibility and it's bugging you that you're doing more than your fair share of the work, you're going to have to confront the slacker directly. Don't expect your coworker to come clean and immediately change his or her ways, though. You can expect slackers to evade, dodge, or weasel their way out of the conversation. You'll have to plan how you want to confront this person, have concrete data to present, and then stick to your guns when discussing the situation. Remember that people who fly under the radar are very good at what they do!

Lydia joked with Tom about his doing less work but so far he just keeps shuffling papers on his desk and spending his time staring at his computer. She began to suspect that he was staring at the same screen! Since they're a two-person operation, Lydia decided it was time to speak with Tom about her problem.

Step 1: Think First

The biggest problem was that they had become close friends, even socializing outside the office. Lydia didn't really know how to tell Tom it was time he pulled his share of the workload, but she also knew that's exactly what she needed to say. She didn't want to compromise their friendship, but on the other hand she was beginning to feel used and was even wondering how much her friendship meant to him if he thought his behavior was acceptable. After thinking about how she wanted to proceed with the conversation, Lydia felt confident confronting Tom.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

“Hey Tom, something's been bugging me, and it's time we talk about it,” Lydia said.

“Sure, Lydia, what's going on?” Tom said, looking concerned.

“Well, I don't really know how to say this other than to say it directly,” she replied. “Frankly, I'm doing most of the work and that's not fair. I hadn't said anything about this because I don't want anything to affect our friendship, but lately I've felt a little used.” (“I” phrase) Lydia had a hard time maintaining eye contact, but every time she found her eyes straying, she brought them back to look at Tom. She looked concerned and that's exactly what she felt.

Tom looked shocked and said, “Whoa, wait a minute! Why would you say such a thing? You can see that I'm working just as hard as you are.”

“Yes, I can see that you're working”, Lydia told him. (understanding) “But I have the productivity reports for the last three months on my desk, and I'm completing almost double the orders that you are. I'll be happy to show the report to you.”

“I didn't realize that I wasn't pulling my fair share,” Tom said, looking upset and a little miffed.

Step 3: Define the Problem

Lydia showed him the report, then spoke softly, hoping to calm Tom down. “Tom, I'm not coming to you to upset you. From what I'm gathering, you thought you were doing your fair share of the work.”

“Of course I did,” Tom replied adamantly, “until now.”

“Then you can see by the report that you haven't been.”

“Yeah, the numbers don't lie. I thought I was doing more than I actually was.”

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

For a moment, Lydia wanted to end the conversation right then, thinking that everything would be all right. But she reminded herself that unless they agreed to a resolution, he might not change his behavior and she'd end up becoming even more upset.

She continued: “Look, Tom, I value our friendship, but I also value our working relationship. I'd like for us to do an equal share of the work. I do have a proposal that I think will be fair. How about if we divide up the daily orders first thing in the morning rather than taking them from the pile throughout the day? That way we'll both know what we're facing each day and, if either of us gets backed up, we can help each other.” (compromise)

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

“Well, I guess that'll work,” Tom agreed, reluctantly

Lydia could tell that Tom wasn't thrilled with the arrangement but since he had agreed to it she didn't back down. “Great!” she said. “I'm so glad we worked this out. (resolution) I wouldn't want anything to come between our relationship—both on and off the job.” (reconciliation)

Why This Works

Confronting a slacker is difficult when the person is likeable. It's even more difficult when the coworkers are friends like Lydia and Tom. During their conversation Lydia almost backed down, but she was glad she didn't. That would have only upset her more because nothing would have changed. Lydia knew she had to stick to her guns, so she presented concrete facts to back up her claim of doing double the work. She proposed a solution and, when Tom reluctantly bought into it, Lydia seized the moment to gain his agreement for the resolution. She'll have to continue to monitor Tom's workload because slackers aren't usually keen on the idea of actually having to do their share of the work, but he agreed to her solution so it'll be easier for her to stay on top of the workload going forward.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a slacker:

• Don't be lulled into inaction because you like the slacker and want to believe it's going to be okay.
• Focus on the amount of work each team member is producing.
• Don't try to shame or goad a slacker into doing more work. These types are masters at evasion and aren't easily shamed.
• Speak to the slacker about the production inconsistencies.
• Before you do, run through the likely conversation in your mind. Prepare yourself for the slacker not to take responsibility. This person isn't easily changeable.
• Stick to your guns, especially if you like the slacker. State that you appreciate your friendship but that you also value your working relationship.
• Share concrete facts that support your claim.
• Offer a compromise.
• When the slacker takes the bait, even if reluctantly, jump on it. Thank the slacker for agreeing to your proposal.
• Continue to monitor the situation to make sure the workload is evenly shared.
• If it isn't, it may be time to involve the boss.

How to Deal with a TMI'er

Paige enjoys working with her coworkers…except for Allie, who is extroverted and gregarious to the point that she divulges way too much information (TMI) about herself. Paige has asked her coworkers how they feel about Allie and most are in agreement that they could do without hearing every little detail about her life. Two of the team members, however, encourage Allie to share what's going on in her love life and then joke about her behind her back. Paige feels uncomfortable knowing how they encourage her for the purpose of laughing at her. It's gotten to the point that she doesn't even want to be around the group when Allie lets her loose lips yammer.

People who disclose too much personal information are usually harmless. They're sociable, friendly folks who don't seem to understand there's a fine line between saying enough to hold an interesting conversation and revealing too many details about their personal lives. And, although most coworkers feel uncomfortable hearing overly personal and private details about one's life, as in Allie's case, some on the receiving end may encourage the TMI'er and then joke about the person afterward.

However, when in a work setting, stay on the high road. When the person starts talking, you can try joking by covering your ears and saying “TMI.” But if that doesn't stop the person from flapping their lips, do the right thing. Take the person aside and have a heart to heart. Let the person know that a line was crossed, and you're uncomfortable hearing all the details.

If you realize you may be a TMI'er, take this advice to heart. Stop! Remember that when you're at work you should always maintain a level of decorum and professionalism. Think before you speak and share only what you'd share with your mother…or a child…or a stranger.

Paige was no prude, but she found that her coworkers' and Allie's behaviors were beginning to bother her. She felt that whether they were encouraging Allie to tell them about her love life or were joking about her behind her back, none of them were behaving professionally. She thought about how to handle the situation and decided the best approach would be to speak with Allie directly.

Step 1: Think First

Paige understood that Allie was just trying to fit in with the team and didn't know that she was being talked about and laughed at behind her back. Paige felt the best approach would be to handle this situation delicately since Allie was a likeable, friendly person whose behavior was meant to be harmless. Paige wanted to protect Allie's dignity, yet get her to understand she was divulging way too much information.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

When Paige approached Allie, she spoke politely. “Allie, rather than taking our break with the group, would you mind if we took it together? I'd like to talk to you about something.”

“Sure. Is everything all right?” Allie looked concerned.

Paige smiled warmly. “Sure. I just want to talk about something that's a little uncomfortable for me to say in front of the team. (“I” phrase) I really don't know how to say this other than to just say it. Allie, I understand that you're friendly and outgoing, but it seems that you're revealing too much information about your private life to the team members. (understanding) A couple of them are continuing to talk about it when you're not around and that's making me uncomfortable because I don't think they're being fair to you. (“I” phrase, understanding)

Allie offered an explanation. “I'm a very open person, and I just don't see a problem with talking about my personal life. But who's doing that? I don't want anyone talking about me behind my back.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

Paige nodded and showed concern in her facial expression. “I don't want to cause a rift among our team and really, it isn't important to know who's continuing your conversation when you're not around. From what I'm gathering, you feel very comfortable talking about your private life to us.”

Allie said, “Well yeah, until now!”

Paige continued: “Then you realize how saying too much may not be a good thing?”

“I sure do,” Allie responded.

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

“I'd like to offer a suggestion that I'm sure will work for you. When you're at work, just don't divulge the nitty-gritty. Save those details for your close friends; you know, people outside of work,” Paige offered. (compromise)

Allie said, “Well now I'm embarrassed that I've already told too much.”

Paige answered respectfully. “I'm not telling you this to make you feel embarrassed. Can I tell you how many times I've said things that I later regretted? (understanding)

“But how do I change?” Allie asked. “Everyone's used to having me tell them about my dates.”

Paige thought for a moment before responding. “Going forward, when someone asks you about a date, just say it was good. If they encourage you to share the details, tell them there's not much to say. Now if you saw a movie or went out to dinner, talk about that. Just stop before you say anything you wouldn't want your mother knowing. How does that sound?” (compromise). Both women laughed.

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

Allie nodded. “I get it. Just stick to the G-rated stuff.”

Paige added: “Or PG! I'm glad we talked this out. (resolution) I like you a lot and so do the rest of our team members. Please don't think anyone was saying anything hurtful or spiteful about you. They're probably just a little jealous that your life is more exciting than theirs.” (reconciliation)

Why This Works

Paige could have spoken to the team members who were talking about Allie behind her back but realized that doing so wasn't going to stop Allie from sharing too much information. Allie was the person she needed to speak to, but Paige felt uncomfortable tackling a delicate subject. Throughout their conversation, Paige spoke respectfully and was able to convey the importance of maintaining professionalism at work. Adding that the coworkers were likely jealous ended their conversation on a lighthearted note.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a TMI'er:

• If someone you work with is sharing too much personal information, first try covering your ears and saying “TMI.” This often clues the person in to the problem.
• You can try letting let the information go in one ear and out the other.
• If that doesn't work and you find it difficult to transition from that conversation back to work, then it's time to talk to the person.
• When planning your conversation, be extremely tactful and respectful because this person isn't aware of giving way too much personal information.
• The person may become embarrassed so offer words of understanding.
• When the person understands that this behavior is a problem, your next step is to offer a solution by suggesting he or she refrain from telling too much.
• End the conversation on a positive note to help the person over any embarrassment.

How to Deal with a Whiner

Alex sat next to Mary, whom he silently called “Whiney Wendy.” Mary whined her way through each day. Nothing seemed right in Mary's world. Whether it was her child, husband, boss, or another coworker, Mary seemed to think that someone was out to get her or was doing something on purpose to irritate her. Alex was tired of listening to her whining and had tried getting her to view situations more objectively, but that approach hadn't worked. He also tried changing the subject but that, too, hadn't worked.

Nothing ever seems right in the world of a whiner. Unlike a negative Nelly, who views the world negatively and complains about everything, a whiner turns the negativity inward to focus on how it affects them. Whiners whine because it gives them a good feeling and may ease their frustration. But it gives those around them anything but a good feeling, and it will certainly raise the frustration level of anyone within earshot.

Dealing with a whiner can be trying because whining is a part of their personality. You can't change the person, but you can change your reaction to the whining. You've most likely already figured out that trying to get a whiner to view a situation more objectively falls on deaf ears. The truth is that most whiners really don't want anything to change. They just like the reinforcement whining gives them. So if you're able to, learn to ignore it. Tune out the whiner when he starts complaining. But you know that may prove difficult, and the whining is apt to get to you at some point. The best approach may be to empathize, listen to the complaint, and then take a problem-solving approach by helping her find a solution. Handling the conversation this way will get the point across that you're not just going to sit by and listen to the whining without expecting the person to also come up with a solution.

Alex decided to take a problem-solving approach. He hoped that by asking Mary to offer a solution about how to handle her whining, she'd get the message that he wasn't willing to sit silently and listen to her continual carping.

Step 1: Think First

Alex thought about how to address Mary the next time she whined and decided the best way would be to head her off at the pass as soon as she started whining. He planned to tell her point blank how her complaining was affecting him, but mainly he planned to stop her in her tracks by asking her to offer a solution to each problem.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

He didn't have to wait long to test his new tactic. Right after lunch, Mary said: “Our boss once again proved she has no respect for me. While we were gone, she dropped more work on my desk. How am I supposed to input all these bills when I haven't finished the ones from the morning?”

Alex quickly responded: “Oh wow. I can relate to how you feel. (understanding) How are you going to handle the situation?” Mary looked at him with a bewildered gaze. Alex felt he was on the right track to put a temporary stop to her whining.

“What do you mean how am I going to handle the situation? What can I do? I have all this work and now she's dumped more on my desk.”

Step 3: Define the Problem

“Complaining about it isn't the answer. The way I see it you have two choices. You can explain to her what you already have going on or you can do the work.” Alex spoke with confidence, maintained eye contact, and held a neutral facial expression.

“I wouldn't feel comfortable telling her I have too much work, even though I do.”

“Hey, I understand you have a lot to do. We all do,” Alex said. (understanding) “Look, I haven't said anything before, but actually we both have a problem. Your not telling her you have too much work is creating a problem for you, and frankly, when you complain to me, it's a problem for me because all the complaining brings me down.” (“I” phrase)

Mary continued to look confused. She wasn't used to Alex speaking to her like that. Finally, she said: “I didn't realize I was causing you a problem.”

“Look, Mary, I'm only trying to help you out,” Alex told her. “When you allow her to dump work on your desk it's obviously causing you a hardship. (understanding) And when you tell me about it, I have trouble refocusing on my work because it's upsetting to me too.” (“I” phrase)

Mary nodded in understanding. “I see where you're coming from.”

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

Alex explained: “You can either do the work or you can talk to her and let her know how much work you already have.” (compromise)

Mary spoke hesitantly. “I suppose I can try to get it all done.”

“If that's the case, then if you don't mind, please don't complain about it to me,” Alex said, looking at her sympathetically. (compromise)

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

“I won't.”

“Thank you,” Alex said. (resolution) “I'm glad we talked this out, and I'm also glad you came up with a solution that'll work for you.” (resolution, reconciliation) Alex looked down at the bill he was working on and found it hard containing his smile. He was more than pleased with the way he handled Mary's whining and planned to use this approach every time she started complaining.

Why This Works

As long as Alex was a willing participant by listening to Mary's whining, nothing was going to change, because she really wasn't looking for things to change. Alex's approach worked well because he made a plan to confront her the next time she whined and ask what she planned to do. Then, he made sure he explained the problems it created for both of them. He followed up by explaining possible solutions. When Mary said she thought she could get all the work done, Alex quickly affirmed her resolution and offered a phrase of reconciliation.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a whiner:

• At first, ignore the whining. If the whiner gets no response from you, he or she may take the whining elsewhere.
• But if ignoring it doesn't work and the whining is getting to you, then do as Alex did and head the whiner off at the pass.
• Respond to the complaint with a phrase of understanding.
• Ask what they're going to do about the problem. This sends the message that you're expecting them to come up with a solution.
• If the person doesn't come up with a solution, explain the problems the whining causes for both of you.
• Be prepared to offer a solution.
• Most likely the whiner will back down, and when they do, quickly affirm the solution and offer a phrase of reconciliation.

How to Deal with a Wimp

Nicole overheard one of her coworkers ask Kim, another coworker, to finish a project because she was overloaded with work. Kim sighed and said: “Sure, put it on my pile.” The coworker replied: “Great! Thanks a bunch, Kim. You're the best.” Nicole knew that her team members often took advantage of Kim's passiveness, so she walked over to Kim and said: “You should learn how to speak up for yourself. Everyone takes advantage of you and it isn't right” Kim shrugged her shoulders and shook her head resignedly. Nicole walked back to her desk, but Kim's wimpy behavior continued to bother her, mainly because she liked Kim and resented the way others took advantage of her.

Telling wimps to change their behavior would be like telling infants to get up and walk. Until they're ready and able, they're not capable of doing it. Like Kim, some people are hard wired to be passive, shy, or mousy. They don't know how to stand up for themselves. They allow others to walk all over them. They comply with the wants and needs of other people. They allow other people to interrupt them. And, they wouldn't think of speaking up or asking for help. They may also be overly empathetic, to the point where they value other people's feelings over their own.

The best way to help a wimp is to teach the person how to be less wimpy and more assertive. Telling someone to speak up for themselves, without communicating helpful ways to do that, will have little or no effect on a wimp. When Kim shrugged her shoulders and shook her head resignedly, Nicole walked back to her desk knowing that unless Kim learned how to say no, her coworkers would continue to take advantage of her.

After thinking about what she had said by telling Kim she should learn to speak up for herself, Nicole realized that she could be more helpful by taking a different approach.

Step 1: Think First

Nicole decided to ask Kim if she'd mind allowing her to be an “assertiveness” mentor. She truly wanted to help Kim and felt that she could do that by teaching her different phrases to say when their coworkers tried to take advantage.

Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding

Nicole said: “Kim, earlier this morning, when I said you should learn how to speak up for yourself, I realized I spoke out of turn. (“I” phrase) I know that it's difficult for you to say no whenever anyone asks you to do something, even when you know they're out of line.” (understanding)

“That's true. I just don't know how to say no, and I end up being taken advantage of. Sometimes it bothers me, but I don't know what to do about it,” Kim replied.

Step 3: Define the Problem

Nicole replied: “So you'd agree that when people take advantage of you, it creates a problem for you?”

“Definitely,” Kim replied. “I wish I could be more like you.”

“And you understand that it's a problem for me, too, because I don't like seeing that?” Nicole said

“I appreciate that,” Kim said.

Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution

Nicole nodded, maintained a concerned facial expression, and smiled warmly. “If you don't mind, I'd like to help you.” (compromise)

“I wouldn't mind at all,” Kim said.

“I'd like to suggest some phrases that work well for me, and I know they'll work for you as well. (compromise) Here's one that always works. When someone asks me to do something and I already have my plate full, I say something like: ‘I'd like to help you out but I've already got more work than I can handle today.’ I've found that saying that does the trick because it lets them know that my time is important too.”

“That's a great suggestion. I'm going to try it next time.” Kim said, seeming determined.

Step 5: Agree on the Resolution

Nicole then said: “I'm glad you don't mind me helping you out” (resolution)

“If you can teach me how to stand up for myself, I won't mind in the least!” Kim told her.

Nicole added: “Terrific. Learning how to say no is tough, but once I learned the value of that word I gained a lot of confidence and was able to stand up for myself. I care about you and if I can help in any way, please don't hesitate to ask.” (reconciliation)

Why This Works

Once Nicole realized that she took the wrong approach with Kim, she reassessed how to handle the conversation. After they agreed on the cause of the problem, she asked Kim if she could help her become more assertive. When Kim readily agreed, Nicole was prepared and gave her an example of an assertive phrase. But Nicole also knows that changing one's behavior takes time, so she plans to pay attention and continue to mentor Kim, helping her become more assertive and confident.

Applying the Approach

Apply the following principles when dealing with a wimp:

• Rather than telling the person he or she should change, take a different approach and ask the person if you can help them learn to be more assertive.
• Guide them to understand why not being able to say no can create a problem. In addition, explain that it's a problem for you because it bothers you to see them taken advantage of. Then offer to teach some assertive phrases.
• Assure the person the phrases work because they've worked for you.
• Don't overwhelm the person. Start with one example, and build from there.
• Maintain the person's self-esteem by acknowledging that learning to say no is difficult, but that it can be done.