4

Develop Trusting Relationships

AS THESE BANK managers found out, networking isn’t just appearing; it’s interacting to build trusting relationships. This chapter focuses on Competency 4, establishing trust in relationships. Without trust, relationships cannot develop. As you teach people about yourself and learn about others, you move through six Stages of Trust. Understanding these Stages will help you decide on behaviors that are professional—not too pushy and not too passive. You’ll be able to determine what Stage of Trust you’ve reached with the contacts you have in your Four Nets, and you’ll know what to do and say at each Stage of the trust-building process to intensify those relationships.

Relationships are the foundation of success, whether in the organization or as you build your career. As relationships multiply and strengthen throughout the organization and outside, their power becomes evident in new ideas and ways of doing things, in new or expanded work from clients, and in new leads or opportunities.

Teach People to Trust You

Everybody agrees with the statement, “People want to do business with people they trust.” Yet we’ve all had an experience like this: You’re at a networking event and someone comes up to you and says, “Hi, I’m Eric. I sell three-year global mobile plans. Do you want one?” It’s this kind of “going for the jugular” that gives networking a bad name. You don’t know or trust Eric enough to do business with him.

Remember the old saying: “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know”? That’s only partly true. Sure, what you know is important. It’s your expertise, your knowledge, what you get paid for, the value you bring to the table. Who you know is important, too. Those are the people you call when you are looking for an idea, a resource, a referral, or a little support.

But just as in important as what you know and who you know is who knows you. Does Stacey know you so well that, when something comes into her life, you pop into her head, and she says to herself, “Oh, I’ve got to send this to Sean.” How many people know you that well?

Trust happens as you teach others about your Character and Competence and learn about theirs. We give specific meanings to the words “Character” and “Competence.” Character refers to the constellation of positive personal qualities, revealed in all you do and say, that assures people you are trustworthy; Competence refers to the breadth and depth of your expertise, revealed in all you do and say, that assures people you are trustworthy.

So how long does it take to develop trust? Our Contacts Count research shows that it takes six to eight conversations in which you prove you can be trusted and take note of what contacts do and say to decide if they can be trusted. So see if you can create six encounters:

   Six times when you come into contact—ideally face to face, but perhaps by phone, or via the Internet.

   Six times when they get to see your Character and Competence, and you see theirs.

   Six times when you teach them what to come to you for, what you’re looking for, what you’re good at, what they can count on you for—and you learn the same about them.

   Six times when they learn enough about you that they can introduce you and talk about your talents and achievements.

   Six times when you have a chance to become comfortable with each other.

Show and tell to teach others about your character.

TEACH CHARACTER

To teach your contacts about your Character, find ways to show that you:

   Do what you say you will do.

   Meet deadlines.

   Go for the win-win solution.

   Treat everyone you meet fairly.

   Be unfailingly reliable.

   Speak well of people even when they are not present.

   Come from a position of abundance, not scarcity.

   Move from competition to collaboration.

   When something goes wrong, make it right and compensate generously for your mistake.

   Go the extra mile.

   Respect other people’s time and possessions.

   Say, “Thank you!”

To believe in your Character, your contacts must see you in action and hear you tell stories about how you’ve handled various situations.

If you tell Jane you’ll call her on Tuesday at 2 P.M., pick up the phone at 1:59. That’s how you teach her that you’ll do what you say you’ll do.

If you promise Beth you’ll come up with 10 items for the public television fund-raising auction by December 5, provide a dozen by December 1. That’s how you’ll teach her that you meet deadlines, are reliable, and always go the extra mile.

If you want Joseph to know you’re a stickler for details, tell about the corporate magazine you edit and the multiple processes you have to check that every name is spelled correctly and all details in the articles are accurate before it goes to press.

If you want Freda, your boss, to notice that you’re an innovative thinker, show her how your work as chair of the program committee doubled attendance at your Employee Resource Group.

If you want to teach Joe that you’re a good organizer, tell about compiling information from 12 board members and their committees to help your professional association chapter win the Chapter of the Year contest.

TEACH COMPETENCE

To teach your contacts about your Competence, find ways to show that you:

   Have earned the proper credentials.

   Stay at the leading edge of your profession.

   Win praise and awards from your peers.

   Take lifelong learning seriously.

   Are cited as an expert in the trade press or in the mass media.

   Teach or mentor others.

   Consult with others to share your expertise.

   Write for publications or speak in public.

   Do the job right—the first time.

   Are happy to discuss your procedures and processes with clients and customers.

   Handle “the little stuff” with care.

   Follow through to be sure that your work meets—or exceeds—expectations.

To believe in your Competence, your contacts must see you in action and hear you tell stories about how you’ve handled various situations.

If you want Donna to know you keep up with the latest changes in your field, tell her about the amazing course on creating website surveys you just took.

If you want to teach Jeffrey that you’re a mentor, tell him about the innovative way the mentoring program at your organization is structured and how much you’re getting out of your work with younger staffers.

Your actions and anecdotes provide evidence of your Competence.

If you want Georgia to know you’re an expert in your field, send her a copy of the article you wrote for an industry publication.

To build trust, make sure people know your capabilities and are confident in your ability to perform. It’s unreasonable to expect that people who don’t know you will be comfortable giving you referrals or suggesting you for special assignments. They have no idea what your special areas of expertise are and have not known you long enough to be sure you will come through. Learn about your contacts’ Character and Competence the same way. Pay attention to what they say and do.

Move Through the Six Stages of Trust

There’s a misconception about networking these days. Because of the binary nature of social media tools—you’re “friended” or “linked” or not—it’s easy to assume that you either have—or do not have—a relationship.

The reality is more complex than that. Look at Figure 4–1, The Six Stages of Trust.

Make a list of 10 people you know. Include a variety of people from all of your Nets: people you know well and people you have just met; people you used to know, but have lost touch with; coworkers, clients, customers, or vendors; people from a professional association or community organization; people from your life outside of work. Keep these people in mind as you learn about the Stages in the paragraphs that follow. See if you can figure out where you are with each of them.

Accidents. In your lifetime, you will bump into thousands of people. They are Accidents. Given the reality of casual, unplanned, random encounters, you’ll probably never run into them again. Circumstances have brought you together for some period of time. So you talk to each other—as you stand in line for tickets to the hit play, in the doctor’s office waiting room, when you are in seat 14A and she is in 14B on the airplane. You can create relationships with these people—if you decide to reach out and stay in touch. Often though, after a pleasant conversation, nothing happens.

Acquaintances. People you don’t see regularly, but could find again are Acquaintances. You meet Acquaintances through the people you know. For example, you’re at a meeting in a client’s office, and the client introduces you to his colleague who works in another department. Or you go to a barbecue at your cousin’s house, and you meet your cousin’s neighbor. You could find the client’s colleague again, and you could find your cousin’s neighbor again if you wanted to. Because Acquaintances are people you don’t see regularly, building a relationship depends on your desire to do so and your ability to reach out with intention. You may be granted some trust because of your relationship with the person who brought you together, but you’ll still have to prove your trustworthiness for the relationship to grow.

Acquaintances are valuable because they can connect you with new circles. They’re especially useful when, for example, you are job hunting. You can think of them as “untapped assets.”

Acquaintances are bridges to new circles.

Associates. People who have joined the groups you’ve joined are Associates. Because you belong to the same group you see each other regularly. That happens when you both:

   Work for the same organization.

   Belong to the same professional association.

   Join the same networking organization at work or outside of work.

   Attend the same church or synagogue or mosque.

   Go to the same fitness center.

   Take part in alumni activities at the school you attended.

   Enjoy a leisure-time activity together.

Because you and your Associates belong to the same group, you have an implied permission to seek each other out. And there may be a presumption that because you both are Tech alums, you are both probably persons of good character and ability. However, you’ll still have to check each other out.

Actives. People with whom you exchange valuable information, resources, or introductions are Actives. Relationships that start out at the Accident, Acquaintance, or Associate Stage all can evolve to the Active Stage. You and your contact become Actives when you get into activity, swapping ideas, providing something of interest. So pour your energy into having a rich conversation—one that uncovers a commonality or a need. You might tell an Active about a favorite restaurant, a website, or an article. She might invite you to an event. You’re giving to each other in a variety of ways. You’re gathering information about each other and have each other’s phone numbers and email addresses. You’re beginning to know enough about her, and she about you, to be useful to each other.

Whether you realize it consciously or not, at this Stage of the relationship-building process, you’re looking for two things in the person you’ve become Active with. If you see these two things, exhibited in everything the person says and does, then you’ll want more activity with her; if you don’t see these two things, you’ll walk the other direction the next time you see her. You won’t pursue the relationship. What are these two things you’re looking for? Character and Competence!

Advocates. People who have come to believe in each other’s Character and Competence are Advocates. You know that your Advocates will speak well of you, and they know that you will help them. You have developed a high degree of trust with each other. Your antenna is up for information and resources for your Advocates. And they, likewise, feed you opportunities. You enjoy promoting them to others. Advocates seek each other out and say things like:

“Hey, I’ve got an idea for you.”

“I ran across something I want to send to you. I’ll email it to you.”

“I met someone who’s very interested in your service. How about if the three of us meet for lunch on Friday?”

Being an Advocate is a risky business. Notice the phrases people use. An Advocate must overcome his natural caution in order to “go out on a limb” for you, “stick his neck out” for you, and “put his good name on the line” for you. What scary metaphors! So take seriously the gigantic leap of trust that someone has made when he becomes your Advocate. Consciously show your Character and Competence—and look for telling behaviors in others, so you don’t tarnish your credibility by advocating for someone you don’t know well enough to endorse.

Trust is of special interest to Alex Pentland, Director of Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Human Dynamics Lab. He studies what conditions and behaviors create a flow of ideas. In his book Social Physics: How Good Ideas Spread, he defines trust like this: “Trust is the expectation of continued, stable exchange value” in a relationship. It’s a measure of the risk you will take when you interact with someone. In fact, Pentland goes on to describe a study in which he was able to actually predict who would do things like loan someone $100 or loan someone their car—so-called “risky” behaviors—by counting the number of successful exchanges the two had had in the past. This is why moving from Active to Advocate is best accomplished by spending more time with someone. Assuming you do and say things that show your Character and Competence, trust will grow the more you “hang out” together.

As trust develops, risk recedes.

Allies. Think of Allies as the people who are on the board of directors of your life. Did you know you have a board of directors of your life? You may not have officially appointed them, but these are the people you turn to:

   When you need advice or support.

   When you want to commiserate, or celebrate.

   When you have an important decision to make.

   When you need to talk with a trusted friend in confidence.

Allies care about your success and happiness as a human being. They are involved in all aspects of your life, both personal and professional. They will go to extraordinary lengths to help you succeed. You’re going through life together. It’s not necessary or practical to have lots and lots of Allies. You’ll cultivate this Stage of Trust with just a few special people you know you can count on. The relationship hinges on the trust and respect you have for each other, not the amount of time you spend together. But you certainly do make time for each other.

Allies are experts on you, your business, your career, your needs, your aspirations, and your vision. They know where you’ve been and where you’re headed—and they want to help you get there! They are your senior advisors, and you are theirs. Because you talk about core life and business issues, confidentiality is a ground rule of your relationship. These are the people you turn to for sage advice—on how to climb the corporate ladder, on whether it’s time to open a branch office in Denver, on how to deal with a difficult client, even on whether or not to adopt a child. Allies commiserate with you when the going gets rough and celebrate with you when success is sweet.

Renew Dormant Ties

In their Spring 2011 MIT Sloan Management Review article, “The Power of Reconnection: How Dormant Ties Can Surprise You,” Professors Daniel Levin, Jorge Walter, and Keith Murnighan explain what happens when you go back to contacts you’ve lost touch with. They asked 200 executives to contact dormant ties (people they hadn’t talked with in three years or more) to get advice on a work project. The executives were skeptical. They also were told to ask current contacts the same questions. The results were startling:

1. Long-lost contacts gave more new information than current ones, who were likely to have access to the same information, hold many of the same viewpoints, and know the same people as the executives.

2. When reconnecting with long-lost contacts, it wasn’t like starting over. The trust that was built years ago remained.

Think about your dormant relationships—people you used to know, used to work with, used to socialize with. Make a list; choose the five you remember most clearly or most fondly. Contact them. They can be much more important than you might have thought.

Inactive relationships are surprisingly valuable.

Don’t be reluctant to reengage with these people. The relationships can often be reactivated. Make a phone call and say, “Isn’t it time for our annual—or once-every-three-years—lunch?” You’ll both benefit from reconnecting.

Analyze Your Contacts

Go back to that list of 10 people you made at the beginning of our discussion of the six Stages of Trust. Decide what Stage of Trust you’ve reached with each person on your list. Assuming that your list of 10 is representative of all the people you know, what does it tell you about how you need to expand and develop your networks? Are you in the right groups to meet the type of Associates who can someday become Actives and Advocates? Do you have enough Advocates? What ideas do you have about next steps you might take if you want more of a relationship with some of the 10 on your list? If you were to make an even broader list of the people you know, would there be a good mix of people from different parts of your life? Think about where these 10 people fit in your Four Nets. Do you have Actives and Advocates in all your Nets? Sometimes people notice that they have only Associate Stage relationships with the people in their ProNet, for example.

RATE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Choose someone on your list of 10 and use this quiz to figure out where you are with that person. If you don’t know the answer to a question, then the answer is “No.”

Does my contact:

1. Demonstrate knowing my face and my name by coming up to me, saying hello, and introducing me accurately to others?

2. Know me well enough to recognize me “out of context” in a new setting?

3. Know several ways to contact me?

4. Recognize my name instantly when I call?

5. In conversation, explore commonalities and needs?

6. Accurately describe what I do?

7. Give vivid examples of what I do?

8. Know that I am good at what I do and cite reasons why my work is superior?

9. Know of some independent verification of my expertise—an award, certification, third-party endorsement?

10. Respond quickly to requests from me?

11. Regularly send me valuable information and resources?

12. Know what kinds of people can use my expertise and is on the lookout for them?

13. Always speak well of me to others and pass my name along?

14. Tell me the truth, keep confidences, and have my best interests at heart?

15. Bring me into all areas of his/her life over a long period of time?

When did you begin to answer “no”? Noticing that will help you pinpoint what you want to be sure to tell—or ask—the next time you see this person. As an intentional networker, you’ll be aware of what kinds of things you’d like to teach your contacts in each encounter. This quiz highlights our finding that it often takes six or eight contacts with someone before she knows who you are, has learned what you do, and has the evidence she needs to begin to trust you. Once that trust is established, you might be in touch once a week or once a year, depending on the relationship.

As you took the quiz did you notice that the questions reflect the Stages of Trust? For instance, questions 5–7 are what Actives focus on; 8–13 are what Advocates do for each other; and 14 and 15 are what make Ally relationships so special.

This quiz not only helps you figure out where you are with someone, it also helps you figure out what you need to teach as you take the next step.

USE TIME TO GAUGE TRUST

Another way to determine the Stage you’ve reached with someone is the amount of time it takes for that person to respond to your request. If you are an Associate (you belong to the same group), you can look for a response within the week. If you are an Active (you’ve begun to exchange valuable information), you can look for a response within three or four days. If you are an Advocate (you’ve convinced your contact of your Character and Competence), you can expect a response within 48 hours. If you are an Ally, you’ll hear back in hours. Notice that your response time to contacts in the various Stages will be about the same. Trust speeds responsiveness. That’s a particularly valuable result for building strong networking relationships.

Next Steps: Consider the Risk and Value

Before you decide on a good next step with someone, consider the risk involved—to you and to the other person. Take a moment to gauge the potential value involved—to you and to the other person. Risk is what one stands to lose; value is what one stands to gain. There are low-risk and high-risk next steps, and there are low-value and high-value next steps; every next step is some combination of low/high risk and low/high value.

Jessie’s leadership development program had won awards. She’d been asked to write an article about the challenges organizations face when they design and launch programs like hers. She asked Bob, an Active, who was just starting a similar program, to tell her about his experience. She offered to share her expertise in return for the interview and the chance to quote him. That’s a high-value/low-risk next step—a win-win for both Jessie and Bob.

Before taking the next step, consider the risk and value.

Here are some things to keep in mind as you think through your next step. There’s not much to recommend a low-value next step. You might rethink whatever you had in mind. And don’t automatically reject a high-risk next step just because it’s risky.

A low-risk next step:

   Asks for something your contact is probably ready, willing and able to give.

   Is not time sensitive. You don’t need it yesterday.

   Is easy for your contact to do.

A high-risk next step:

   Asks for something that will be difficult for your contact to give.

   Requires the expenditure of significant time, money, and/or effort.

   Could put your contact in an awkward situation.

A low-value next step:

   Doesn’t significantly move the relationship toward the next Stage.

   Doesn’t provide a tangible result or outcome.

   Might waste your contact’s time.

A high-value next step:

   Teaches about your Character and Competence.

   Impacts favorably on your contact’s life, well-being, or work.

   Positions your contact favorably among his or her colleagues.

PLAN THE NEXT STEP

Keeping in mind risk and value, you’re ready to decide what to do if you’d like to have more of a relationship with someone. Here are some options.

For Accidents and Acquaintances, ask yourself, “What might this person bring to my network? Would he give me access to new circles? Would she introduce me to new ideas, or diverse groups of people? What might we have in common? Could I gain new perspectives by knowing this person? Would I enjoy knowing this person?” And of course, ask yourself, “Would knowing this person in some way bring me closer to accomplishing my job-specific goals and contribute more to my organization’s success?”

Here are some examples:

   Find a reason to introduce yourself. Say, “I notice you’re reading one of my favorite books. How do you like it?”

   Propose another meeting. Say, “I’d like to hear more about your project. Got time for coffee on Friday?”

   Exchange contact information. Say, “Your project sounds very interesting. Here’s my card. I’d like to have yours, too. Let’s stay in touch.”

   Invite him to join a group you belong to. “I get a lot out of the monthly meetings of the users group. Would you like to come to the next one?”

   And, of course, be ready to teach your name and be ready to answer the “What do you do?” question. (See Chapters 5 and Chapter 7 for more information on mastering these skills.)

For Associates, ask yourself, “What do we have in common? How are we different? What’s her role in the organization we both are members of? How can I become known to her? Are there ways I can show her my Character and Competence? How can I help her? What is she hoping to get out of belonging to this group or working here?”

Here are some examples:

   Ask a colleague to introduce you with a few words about what you do or what she thinks you two might have in common.

   Respond to a comment your Associate made in a speech, in the newsletter, or online.

   Join your Associate in some activity or committee, so you have multiple opportunities to get to know each other.

   Send a note of congratulations when you notice that he’s done something that is especially innovative or remarkable. Say, “Congrats on landing that new client!”

   Appreciate something about your Associate. Say, “I learned so much from you about trends in our industry when I heard you speak at the conference.”

   Show support for her initiatives by attending an event your Associate is in charge of.

   Find a commonality. “I heard you lived in London. I did too.” Or, “Tom told me you’re interested in helping our engineers improve their business development skills. I am too.”

For Actives, ask yourself, “What is she interested in? Would she like me to introduce her to someone? Does she know someone I might like to know? What do we have in common? What circles is she involved in that I’m not? What interests do we share? What stories can I tell to teach her about my expertise? What activities can I suggest, so we can continue to get to know each other? What are several things I know about her that will help me introduce her enthusiastically and accurately to others? What’s coming up in her life that I might be able to help her with?”

Here are some examples:

   Teach him what to come to you for by telling casual, conversational, and brief stories or examples of the kinds of things you’re working on or interested in.

   Ask good questions, such as, “What are you excited about?” or “What trends do you see?” Then listen generously to see what resources or information you might offer.

   Propose a meeting. Say, “Want me to come by and pick you up for the event? Parking is so hard downtown and riding together will give us a chance to talk.”

   If you make a mistake (call her by the wrong name or forget to do something you said you’d do), apologize. Be sure to seek out more interaction, so the mistake fades into the background and what stands out are your Character and Competence.

   Look for news online or in print that she might like to know about and send it to her.

   Appreciate things he does. “Thanks for chairing that committee.” Or, “So glad you’re going to be on the panel.” Or, “I appreciated your encouragement last week.”

   Introduce her with enthusiasm in a sentence or two that makes it clear what she and the other person might have in common. Say, “Don, I especially want you to meet Chihiro, because I remember you said you’re working on the new product launch. Chihiro has lots of experience with that sort of thing.” Or, “Eric, I want you to meet Bill. Bill’s also the father of twins—and just started a public relations consulting firm.”

   Show that you remember what she tells you about projects, interests, and challenges by sending useful information and resources.

   Ask your contact to join you in an activity you think he will enjoy or profit from.

   Teach him what you’re looking for. Say, “I’m looking for advice about working abroad.” Or, “Keep me in mind if you hear about any workshops on negotiating.”

For Advocates, ask yourself, “How can I keep current about his skills and talents, so I can send him the right opportunities? Am I keeping him up to date about what I’m doing, and asking him to update me? Am I on the lookout for ways to send her clients, opportunities, and valuable information? Do I know someone that my Advocate would benefit from meeting? How can I help him succeed?”

Here are some examples:

   Ask questions to update the information and examples you have to pass along to others. Say, “What are two or three things you’ve worked on recently that I can tell others when I’m talking about you?”

   Refer him to others. Say, “Hugh, I’d like to give your name to my boss. He’s looking for an executive coach—just the kind of person your firm supplies.”

   Introduce her to others. Say, “Alice, can you come to lunch on Wednesday? I’ve invited a couple of others I think you’d like to meet because of your new venture.”

   Make yourself useful. Ask, “What kinds of challenges do you foresee in the next six months? Maybe I know people who can help.”

For Allies, ask yourself, “How can I confirm and enrich our relationship? Am I keeping confidences? Do I help her celebrate? Am I there when he needs a shoulder to lean on? Do I sing her praises far and wide? Do I respond to calls and requests immediately? Do I find ways to remind him of his best values, traits, and gifts? Do I tell her how much I appreciate our friendship and all the ways she supports me?”

Here are some examples:

   Every once in a while, in conversation, recap your relationship. Appreciate the ways you’ve helped each other and recount the good times and bad times you’ve been through. Say, “I was so nervous about taking that new job. Your support and advice really got me through some rough times in the first few weeks.”

   Appreciate his skills and talents. Say, “I admire how you pull together mountains of data and present it in a way that helps people make sense of it all.” Or, “You have such a talent for helping people resolve their conflicts. Have you ever thought about that as a career path?”

   Express the trust you feel in the relationship. Say, “I know I can always count on you to be straight with me and tell me the truth even when I might not want to hear it.”

   Look to the future. Say, “Let’s be sure to support each other as our parents begin to age and need more help. I can already see that’s going to be difficult.”

   Confirm your willingness to help. Say, “You know you can count on me to do everything I can do to make the transition you’re coping with easier for you.”

   Challenge him to take risks, have courage, grow, and change. Say, “I can imagine moving overseas for a year can be a bit daunting. But I’m confident you can make the most of the experience.”

   Ask questions that go deeper. Say, “What is the best thing in your life right now? What’s missing? What’s next for you?”

   Talk about your relationship as something that you’re creating together. Say, “I appreciate the way you really listen to me. Suddenly whatever’s bothering me begins to looks a lot better.”

THREE THINGS TO REMEMBER

As you think about the Stages of Trust and how you’d like to develop your relationships, here are some important ideas to keep in mind:

1. You can’t make a contact move to the next Stage. There’s a thin line between being manipulative and intentional. If you try to get someone to advocate for you before he or she is assured of your Character and Competence, you emit a kind of predatory energy. People don’t like that. You can’t “turn Jim into an Advocate,” but you can say and do things that will make it more likely that the relationship will grow. When you give something to Jim, you become an Active. When he reciprocates, he joins you in that Stage. When you recommend Jim for a special assignment, you’ve become his Advocate. When he nominates you for an award he becomes your Advocate.

2. Your goal is not to become Allies with everyone you meet. Being and remaining at the Active or Advocate Stage with someone can be very beneficial on its own. Be intentional about which relationships you choose to develop.

3. Acquaintances can be more valuable than you might think. They provide bridges to diverse contacts and circles you otherwise might not be able to access.

Tuning in to the Stage of Trust you enjoy with someone helps you avoid asking for too much too soon… or too little too late. It would probably be inappropriate if you asked someone you just met to sponsor your new initiative. On the other hand, if you never reach out to people to let them know what you’re looking for or how they can help, then you’re underusing your network.

You’ll have fleeting contact with thousands of Accidents, Acquaintances, and Associates in your lifetime. You’ll have an Active relationship with many people. Hopefully quite a few will become Advocates. A special few will become Allies.

Relationships don’t happen at the click of a mouse. They happen when you invest the time to teach people to trust you. As you use your trust-building/relationship-developing skills, you power up the Network-Oriented Workplace.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: I’ve made some incredible contacts with Accidents. I got a $50,000 training contract because I said hello to a fellow passenger in the van from the airport to the hotel. Why do you say it takes six to eight contacts?

A: Making a magical connection with someone you meet on the fly (pun intended) is great. And it’s true that sometimes trust seems instantaneous. But as a rule, it takes longer to teach and learn about each other’s Character and Competence.

Q: Can customers and clients become Advocates and Allies? I guess we became Actives when I worked for them but that was four years ago. I haven’t been in touch recently.

A: Sure they can. Reconnect with your former clients, using the process outlined in this chapter to develop the relationships.

Q: When I looked at my 10 people and tried to place them in the Stages of Trust model, all were Associates. What am I doing wrong?

A: This situation is typical for younger networkers who haven’t had the time—or perhaps the need—to build networks. First, you may simply have been thinking of groups you belong to as you made your list of 10. That would have led you to write down mostly Associates. Second, you may need to do more than join organizations. You may need to work at your networking to deepen those relationships.

Q: I thought of 10 people, but my best contacts are my friends. Do my friends fit on that model? Or are they outside?

A: Again, this situation is typical of networkers early in their careers. They’re still hanging around with college buddies or people they grew up with. It’s great to think of friends as networking contacts. Have conversations with them about keeping your antennas up for each other, so that you can provide opportunities for each other. And certainly, when you become Allies with someone, they become friends because you have shared your personal and career goals. It’s wise, however, to cultivate contacts strategically—to specialize a bit—so that you meet people in your career field or profession.

Q: I have people that I think of as Actives because I’ve done something for them, but they never do anything for me. How can I not only move to the next Stage with them, but also be sure that the relationship is mutually beneficial?

A: Think about these people as you answer the questions on the Rate Your Relationships quiz. Perhaps you haven’t taught them what you’re looking for and how they might be helpful. Next time you meet have a couple of stories to tell them, so that they can better appreciate your Character and Competence. If you continue to feel that they aren’t reciprocating, have a conversation in which you recount some of the things you done for them and say, “Here’s how you could help me.” If that doesn’t work, you may decide to shrug and say to yourself, “I’m going to keep giving because I believe in it.” Or you may decide to spend your time relating to people who do give back.

Q: There’s an Associate of mine that I don’t want to have a relationship with at all. He’s not a person whose ethics I admire. But he keeps calling and wanting to get together. What should I do?

A: Be busy when he calls, very busy.

Q: I think I have all Advocates and Allies in my network.

A: People typically overestimate the amount of information their contacts have about them. And people usually haven’t focused on teaching people to trust them. Check out what your contacts know by having conversations and asking them, for example, to give a vivid example of what you do. If they can’t or you don’t like what they say, tell them stories. They’ll be likely to remember those examples. Ask yourself if you are suffering from Tired Network Syndrome. You may have been at it so long, that you do have a cadre of well-established relationships. On the other hand, do you have networking needs that they are unable to fulfill—new passions in your life that your current contacts are not connecting with? If so, deliberately set out to join some new groups and meet some people who share your new interests.

People overestimate what their contacts know about them.

Q: How much time does it take to develop and nurture a relationship with an Ally?

A: Lots. Because you are so in tune, you may be tempted to cut back on the time you spend with these valuable contacts. Be sure that you do set aside a regular time to get together, perhaps dinner once a month. Challenge yourself to find some way that you can contribute to their success every time you meet. Listen generously, be seriously curious, and swap stories. Then you’ll be able to profit from—and continue to enjoy—those relationships for years to come.