5

Increase Your Social Acumen

SUJATA UNDERSTANDS that her sales team’s success depends on what happens face to face. Remember the line that movie director Woody Allen made famous? His maxim was, “80 percent of success is showing up.” Sujata doesn’t buy into the idea that if her people just go to the event, the other 20 percent will take care of itself. In fact, she said she’d flip the numbers: 20 percent of success is showing up, and 80 percent is knowing what to do and say once you get there.

What Is Social Acumen?

Competency 5, increasing social acumen, shows you how to make the most of every moment you have with people. As you increase your social acumen, you’ll understand how to make the most of the rituals we go through as we connect with each other. You’ll have the impetus to connect with more people throughout your organization and beyond. The skills you’ll learn here will assure that you make a positive first impression and get new relationships off to a good start. Will you manage the meet-and-greet rituals with comfort and confidence, or ignore the “netiquette” and just muddle through?

Manage meet-and-greet rituals with comfort and confidence.

This chapter takes you from “hello” to “goodbye.” You’ll get tips on how to remember names, teach your name, join groups of people who are already talking, and end conversations with the future in mind. And you’ll learn more about likeability—what it is, why it’s important in the business world, and how to increase yours.

The Name Exchange

In our workshops, people are amazed when they realize how many seconds they usually spend on introductions. Count the seconds the next time you exchange names with someone. Most people spend only four or five seconds! No wonder our Contacts Count surveys show that 97 percent of the respondents say, “I’m no good at remembering names.” You’re asking the impossible of yourself to think that you can learn someone’s name—and teach that person your name—in only a few seconds. To recognize the true importance of the Name Exchange, reframe it as teaching and learning, not just saying and hearing. In networking, learning someone’s name is the first step in the trust-building process. Slow down. Linger longer over names.

The average name exchange takes four or five seconds.

LEARN SOMEONE’S NAME

When someone says her name, don’t immediately reply with your own. Instead, focus first on learning hers. Here are three ways to do that. These ideas are so simple you may be tempted to dismiss them. Don’t do that! Train yourself to use these steps every time you meet someone. They work.

Step #1. Repeat the first name. Say, “It’s nice to meet you, Jennifer.” You may think that you already do that, but our research indicates that repeating the name happens only about 25 percent of the time. Train yourself to do it every time. Then, hang on to Jennifer’s name long enough to introduce her to at least one other person. Whether you make that introduction 30 minutes later or three hours later, Jennifer will appreciate that you bothered to remember her name. It’s a sign of respect to learn someone’s name. Notice that so far you’ve only focused on her first name. That’s fine. It’s the tried-and-true principle of “divide and conquer.” Learn the person’s first name first.

Step #2. Ask for the last name again or confirm it. Say, “And your last name was…?” Or, “Tell me your last name again.” Or, “Did you say your last name is O’Grady?” The person will repeat her last name. She’ll say, very clearly, “It’s O’Grady.” One problem with the old Name Exchange ritual is that people are so used to saying their names that they run through them too quickly, mashing their first and last names together. When you ask for the last name by itself, your contact will say it more distinctly.

Step #3. Ask a question or make a comment about the person’s name. Comment either on the first name or the last name. It’s a chance for you to say the name again. Here are some suggestions:

“Do you like to be called Jenny or Jennifer?”

“O’Grady sounds like it might be Irish. Is that right?”

TEACH YOUR NAME

Even if you think your name is easy to remember, teaching it is an essential social acumen skill. Be ready to use these three techniques to help people learn your name.

Step #1. Give ‘em a double dip. Say your first name twice. “I’m Bob, Bob… Schmidt.” Remember Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump in the movie by the same name? He always said his first name twice: “I’m Forrest, Forrest Gump.”

Step #2. Separate and articulate. Say your first name, then pause, then pronounce your last name crisply and distinctly. “I’m Bob, Bob (pause) Schmidt.” You’re used to saying your name, but others aren’t used to hearing it, so make sure you don’t run it all together. Especially if you think your name may be unfamiliar to the other person, slow down. Remember, when you’re introducing yourself, you’re not just saying your name; you’re teaching your name.

Step #3. Make your name memorable. Say something about your name to help the person you’re talking with remember it. Spelling your name is one way to do that. People will visualize the letters in their mind. Nancy Mann says, “It’s Mann with two ‘Ns.’ I’m the only the only woman who’s a Mann who’s in real estate in Kansas City.”

Here are a few more good examples that help people “see” the spelling:

“Hi, I’m Kevin, Kevin Janes. Like Jones, but with an ‘A.’”

“Hi, I’m Liam, Liam Lawrence. Liam is ‘mail’ spelled backwards.”

“Hi, I’m Collin, Collin Morrissey: with two ‘Ls,’ two ‘Rs,’ and two ‘Ss.’”

Another way to teach your name is to give a tip to help others remember it. Do any of these examples give you an idea about how teach your name?

“Hi, I’m Kabwayi Kabongo. Think of ‘cowboy’ and ‘bongos.’”

“Hi, I’m Wade, Wade Johnson. Wade, like wade in the water.”

“Hi, I’m Lawrence, Lawrence Brown. I’m named Lawrence after my grandfather—he still leads our engineering firm.”

“Hi, I’m Louise, Louise Poppei. Even though the spelling might not look like it, you say my last name like the flower—poppy.”

“Hi, I’m Linda, Linda Watson. I’m way down at the end of the alphabet—Watson.”

If you meet someone who says, “Oh, I never can remember names,” that’s your cue to say, “You can remember mine. Here’s how: It’s Rayna, Rayna Jaynes. Rayna because I’m named after my dad, Ray. And both my names have a ‘Y’ in the middle.”

Since the whole idea is to slow down and interrupt that Ping-Pong game we play as we exchange names—you give your name and I give mine right back—anything you can do to spend time on teaching and learning names will pay off in the long run. People often ask Georgia, “Were you named for the state?” Although she’s explained many times that, yes, she was born there, she doesn’t mind because she knows that many interesting conversations and connections have come out of sharing that bit of information. If you just say, “Hi, I’m Linda.” And she just says, “Hi, I’m Georgia,” there’s nothing to build the conversation around.

Include as part of your growing networker identity the idea that you’re good with names. Since only three in a hundred people say they are, you’ll stand out as someone who’s serious about connecting.

DEAL SKILLFULLY WITH FORGOTTEN NAMES

Has this ever happened to you? You see someone across the room and think to yourself, “I know that person. What is her name?” This is not an age-related problem; it’s a brain-overload problem. Let’s face it, you know hundreds of people—coworkers, clients, colleagues, cousins—so the expectation that you’ll never forget a name is unrealistic.

Here are four things to do if you experience that awkward moment:

1. Walk confidently up to the person, shake hands, and say, “I remember you. Good to see you again. I’m Craig, Craig Weinstock.” You’re banking on the ritual: When you give your name, the other person will most likely say his name. You’ve shown that you remember him and acknowledged that you’ve met before.

2. If you recall the situation in which you met or a topic you discussed, say, “Hi! We met at the conference, and I remember you told me about your new job.” Maybe his name will come to you as the conversation gets going. Or maybe someone else will come up and call him by name. Or if you and he decide to exchange business cards, you’ll have his name forever.

3. Ask her name with lots of energy and enthusiasm. Say, “Tell me your name again. I remember you!” That’s what people want to know—that you remember them. They will forgive that you’ve momentarily forgotten the name. And then be sure to give your name in case it’s a two-way memory lapse!

4. Before you approach, ask a colleague to remind you of the forgotten name. Say, “Jerry, I know I’ve met that guy over there with the red tie. Remind me of his name.”

Above all, if you’ve forgotten someone’s name, do avoid this scenario. You see her across the room. You make eye contact, then hang your head, slowly shuffle over with a discouraged look on your face, limply put out your hand, and apologetically announce, “I’ve forgotten your name.” If she wants to make you feel better, she’ll say, “Oh, I’ve forgotten your name too,” even if she remembers it! This low-energy start has no place to go but down as you stand around mutually beating yourselves up with a duet of, “I’m so bad with names.” “No, I’m much worse.” “No, I’m worse that you are—really!” After you commiserate about how dumb you are, you finally reintroduce yourselves, all the while protesting that you’ll probably forget each other’s names again. Don’t ever again say, “I’ve forgotten your name.” Instead, use one of the four techniques above.

Don’t ever again say “I’ve forgotten your name.”

Join Groups Comfortably

In any room full of people, most people will be talking in groups. You can certainly look around to find someone who is not attached to a group and strike up a conversation with that person. Barbara says, “When I feel nervous about joining a group, I form my own. I look for someone standing alone, and I think the person is so glad I took the initiative.”

Or you can join a group. In our workshops, people ask, “How can I break into a group?” We tease them a bit. “Well, first, you find a big sledgehammer.…” We choose not to use the phrase “break into a group.” When you join a group, think of it as being incomplete until you showed up! This reframing is another addition to your upbeat mindset about connecting in the Network-Oriented Workplace.

To join in the group, signal that you’re committed to becoming part of the conversation. You might gently but firmly touch the arm of one person. Almost always, the circle will open up to allow you to enter. Don’t be tentative; show commitment by making eye contact with the person who is speaking or smiling at one of the listeners. Take a few seconds to listen. Start participating any time you feel tuned in to what’s going on. When the conversation slows, turn to a person next to you and introduce yourself. Often, others in the group will follow suit. If people in the group seem to be acquainted, ask, “How do you all know each other?” as a way to prompt introductions.

If someone quickly introduces everyone in the group to you, don’t despair. Simply go back to each individual later and say, “Sam introduced us earlier. I’m Sacha, Sacha Vironski. Tell me your name again.”

If joining a group of people who are talking is uncomfortable, analyze why.

If joining a group is uncomfortable for you, analyze why. Are you remembering high school, with its cliques, in-groups, and out-groups? Most of us have vivid memories of feeling excluded at one time or another. Even as grownups, it’s easy to still carry around some of that teen trauma. When you bring those feelings out into the light of day and examine them, they usually seem quite ridiculous and based on leftover adolescent angst:

“They don’t think I’m cool enough.”

“They’re probably talking about me.”

“They don’t want me to be a part of their group.”

“They will laugh at me or look the other way.”

Sounds pretty silly to hang on to those assumptions now, doesn’t it? So, as part of your networker identity, choose to believe that you’re on equal ground with others and that others are as eager to get to know you as you are to know them. As you learned in Chapter 1, these mental decisions you make greatly affect your body language and the vibes you give off. Choose to act confident; others are much more likely to see you as approachable and experience you as easy to talk with.

When a new person joins your group, smile, nod, and make eye contact. When the person who is talking finishes his point, fill the newcomer in. Say, “Michio was just telling us about his new project.” Then look back at Michio, so he can continue.

There are two kinds of groups not to join. One is a group that’s working on something. Imagine that Sally, Hank, and Joe were supposed to have planned the meeting that’s going to start in four minutes. Joe’s email was down, so they need to plan it now. They’re busy, and you can see it in their body language and harried look—not a good group to join.

The other group to avoid is made up of people who know each other so well and are having such fun that you’d feel out of place. Imagine that Lou, Henry, and Leia all went to the same college and have just run into each other for the first time since graduation. There’s hugging, laughter, and sometimes more touching than in most groups. They’re talking all at once. You might notice there’s a lot of hand and arm movement. Their voices may be higher or lower than in most groups. This is a good group to avoid because you don’t share that college bond. If you were hoping to speak to Henry, come back later, when he’ll be more receptive. Trust your powers of observation to find a group that’s just right for you.

If you enter a conversation that seems too personal, or if you join one where the topic doesn’t suit you, you can leave comfortably. If the conversation is too personal, say, “Looks like I’ve interrupted something. I’ll talk with you later.” Or, “Oh, excuse me. Jerry, let me catch a word with you before you go.” Or, if the topic is something you’re not interested in say, “Hey, I’ll talk with you later. It looks like you’re really getting into this topic.”

11 Tips for Avoiding Awkward Moments

Whether you are at a networking event, or hosting a client at dinner, or chatting with coworkers before a meeting begins, keep these tips in mind. If you do, your connections and conversations will be ones that build trust.

Tip #1: Be polite and positive. Don’t ask, “Has your boss finally stopped snapping at everyone?” Don’t ask, “Are profits in your division still taking a dive?” Or, “Is your wife still looking for a job?” When people are going through rough times, let them bring up the topic when and where they want to. The Stage of Trust you’ve reached together will guide you in knowing what’s appropriate.

Tip #2: Put some enthusiasm into your conversations. There’s nothing more deadly than talking with someone whose energy is low and who has nothing to give. One way to energize a lifeless conversation is to notice or appreciate something about the other person. “You sure were taking lots of notes as the speaker talked. What did you like about what she said?” Or, “The new format you came up with for our Employee Resource Group meetings is ingenious.”

Tip #3: When it’s been a while, choose your opener carefully. Don’t berate yourself for not remembering all the details about a person you talk with only occasionally. Avoid inadvertently putting your foot in your mouth when you begin a conversation with someone you haven’t talked with recently. Assume that the person’s life has changed. It probably has. Instead of asking, “How’s your wife?” (“We’re divorced.”) Or, “How’s your job?” (“I was laid off.”), ask more general questions like, “How’s your year been?” Or say, “We haven’t talked in a while. Catch me up on what’s new with you.” That allows the other person to reveal as much, or as little, as he wishes.

Tip #4: Go for the relationship, not the contract. When you meet casually—or even at a networking event—and the conversation moves to “let’s do some business,” set up a convenient time to call or place to meet to complete the transaction. Then, as you continue to talk in the casual meeting, build your relationship with your contact. If you swap stories about parenting, or kayaking, or doing business in India, you’ll develop more trust. He’ll be more likely to think of you when he needs your services than if you spend most of the conversation aggressively pushing for his business.

Tip #5: Make your Agenda clear when doing business with friends. Relationships that bounce back and forth from friendship to business can be tricky, no doubt about it. To keep the boundaries clear and avoid abusing a friend’s trust, be scrupulously honest about your intentions.

Nedra and Alejandro had known each other for 15 years. Alejandro’s job was eliminated, and he went into business for himself. Nedra, the marketing director for a communications firm, visited with Alejandro at several professional meetings during the year. Then Alejandro called Nedra and set up a lunch meeting, saying, “I’d love to hear more about that solar cottage you said you’re building off the grid. I also want to tell you about some seminars I just finished doing for employees at another company. I think your organization might find them useful.” Alejandro made his Agenda clear as he was issuing the invitation. Their lunch conversation ranged from personal items to the seminar series. Nedra asked for additional information about the seminars and appreciated that he was up front about wanting to sell to her.

Tip #6: Decide what to share and what to keep private. Whether face to face or online, be clear about what you want to share with others. Marina, an attorney with a mid-sized firm, is careful about bringing her passion for doing stand-up comedy into business conversations because she’s afraid it might confuse her identity or give the wrong impression as she establishes her expertise as a lawyer. On the other hand, even though adoption law isn’t her specialty, she has two adopted children, so she freely shares her personal story and then refers prospective parents to an attorney with many years of experience in that field.

Tip #7: Take yourself seriously. It will make talking with you much easier. You create an awkward moment for others if you say, “I’m just an intern.” Or, “I’m just a secretary.” Don’t put yourself down. You discourage conversation if you say things like, “I’m no good at that.” If you think you’re a whole lot less experienced than others you’re talking with, then be sure you’re prepared with other topics to talk about that do show your expertise.

Tip #8: Avoid secret language. Some people throw around jargon and acronyms as a way to impress others. Don’t do it. If you say, “I’m the EXO for the DDG at the IDB,” you’ll stop the conversation cold. When talking with people, especially if they are outside your company and occupation, be sure you translate any specialized language into terms that anyone can understand.

Tip #9: Don’t ask for free advice. If you speak with someone who has an area of expertise he usually gets paid for, don’t try to get free advice. It’s one thing to talk with a doctor about those commercials with the voices in the background reciting all of the awful side effects of drugs. It’s another thing to drag out your symptoms and ask for a diagnosis. Sometimes the line is unclear. If you feel you might be stepping over it, ask, “Do I need to make an appointment?”

Tip #10: When you don’t know what else to say, just say “Hi!” National Public Radio did a survey asking, “What’s the best way to start a conversation?” The result? Just say, “Hi!” That’s it—just “Hi!” There’s nothing hard to remember about that.

But a word of advice: it’s not the low-energy “Hi” that says, “I’m just saying this to be polite, and I hope you won’t take this as a signal that we have to talk.” It’s not the kind of “Hi” that says, “I don’t really want to be here and I’ve really got better things to do than talk to you, but ‘Hi,’ anyhow.”

It’s a friendly “Hi!” One that flashes this message in neon lights: “I feel great about meeting you, and I’m eager to talk.” It’s a “Hi!” that says, “I’m glad I’m here, and I’m looking forward to getting to know you.” It’s inviting and energizing at the same time because it signals that you’re a person who is committed to showing up and reaching out. It’s relaxing because it signals that you’re a person who can take care of herself in a conversation. Practice the two kinds of “Hi!” Feel the difference between the two. Make sure that your tone of voice and body language convey your infectious energy.

Tip #11: Exile the electronics. Put away that smartphone and give your full attention to the person in front of you. Even though you might see others trying to “two-track” conversations, saying hello while checking that last email, don’t do it. It’s rude. There’s no excuse for it. If you must check a message, excuse yourself, find a private place, take care of your electronic business, and then come back to your face-to-face conversations, fully present. If you’re out to dinner with friends or business colleagues you might even want to propose the “phone stack” game. Everyone agrees to put his or her cell phone in the middle of the table. The first person to reach for his has to pick up the tab for the whole group.

End with the Future in Mind

If someone asked you, “What’s the most difficult moment in networking?” would you say, “Ending the conversation?” Many people do. Introductions and meeting people are stressful, they’ll tell you, and even though the ritual doesn’t work very well, everyone plays along: You shake hands and exchange names. But there is no protocol for ending conversations—unless you use the tired, old line, “I’m going to freshen my drink.” Exiting can often seem awkward.

LISTEN FOR THE BELL

At networking events and at many business social gatherings, such as cocktail parties or receptions, there’s a bell that goes off in people’s minds after a conversation has been going on for five or ten minutes. Notice the bell in your head—your intuitive sense telling you it’s time to say goodbye and move on.

You may be eager to talk with quite a few different people. Your conversation partner might like to also. Even the best conversations have to end. Assume you’ll see this person in the future, and that you’ll continue your conversation. Choose the attitude that says, “I’m just beginning this relationship. I’m excited to see what develops.” To prepare for your future conversation with this person, make your closing a conscious one. Honesty is rare in the final moments of a conversation, but that’s what works best.

MAKE A CONSCIOUS CLOSING

Here are seven ways to leave a conversation gracefully and professionally with your own integrity—and your contact’s—intact. Read them carefully and make them a part of your repertoire. You won’t use all of them at any one time, but by themselves and in combinations, they will make leaving more comfortable—and help you reap many benefits.

1. Center on your Agenda. Your Agenda will serve you well as you make conscious closings. Saying, “I want…, I must…, I need…” eliminates the feeling that you are abandoning your conversation partner. Shift the attention to where you are going and the purpose that is motivating you.

Here’s what closing a conversation by referring to your Agenda might sound like:

“I’ve promised to welcome newcomers, so I’m going to say so long for now.”

“I need to see two more people about board business before I leave tonight. See you soon, I hope.”

“I must speak to the membership chairman before he leaves. Catch you later.”

“I want to see if there are any other engineers (or people from my industry, or people from Washington) here today. Nice talking with you.”

2. Ask your contact for an introduction. To change conversation partners, let your current partner know the kinds of people you’d like to meet. Say:

“I want to find other people who are telecommuting. Do you know anyone who is?”

“Do you know anyone here who is involved with management training?”

“I’m going to the annual meeting in Dubai next month. Do you know anyone who went last year?”

“My company is expanding its office design services. Do you know of anyone who is thinking about moving to a new office this year?”

3. Invite your contact to do something with you. If you feel uncomfortable ending a conversation and walking away from someone, invite that person to go with you. Your invitation might sound like this:

“Let’s see if we can find the registration booth.”

“Want to get a drink? I’m thirsty.” (An aside: this is sooooo much better than “Let me go freshen my drink.”)

“I want to ask the speaker a question. Want to come with me?”

4. Introduce your contact to others. People will appreciate that you help them meet others. Do you see someone you want to introduce your conversation partner to? Don’t think of this as a way to get rid of somebody. Add, “I’m a great connector” to your networker identity. Ask yourself, “Who do I know here that my contact might like to meet?” Say, “Lenora, you mentioned you’re going to Vancouver next month. I want to introduce you to Sam. He grew up there and could tell you all about the sights.” Or, “Tom, I’d like to introduce you to Bill. He’s also new to the firm.”

5. Play Concentration. Remember that kid’s game where you lay all the cards face down on the table? You turn over a three of hearts, but you can’t have it until you find a match. Your challenge is to remember, after several turns, where that three of hearts is.

You can play Concentration in a room full of people, too. To get started, listen very closely to what Maria has to say and then introduce her to someone else she might like to meet. And your reason can be anything they have in common: “Oh, you grew up in Chicago. Let me introduce you to Jim—that’s his home town, too!” Or, “Oh, you have twins? Let me introduce you to Susan. She does too.” You might stay with that conversation or you might excuse yourself once the others get going. But they know that you have listened to them. And people do appreciate being introduced to others around the room.

Suppose you meet Marjorie, an interior designer, who specializes in helping seniors downsize and move to smaller quarters. A few minutes later, you talk with Cynthia, who says she’s writing a book titled Moving Mother. You think to yourself, “I must introduce Cynthia to Marjorie. What a match!” You go out of your way to bring them together. Whether you stay with that conversation or not, they will remember you as resourceful and generous.

6. Sum up and appreciate. One of the most memorable ways to close a conversation is to sum up what happened and then show appreciation for what your contact gave you. To do that, shake hands and acknowledge the conversation and its importance to you. You could even acknowledge the importance in your life of the relationship you have with your contact that, perhaps, goes way beyond this encounter. Find a specific quality in the other person or a specific moment in the conversation that you can genuinely express appreciation for:

“If the other members of AQS are as enthusiastic as you are, I’m going to be very glad I joined.”

“Wonderful to see you and get your advice about exhibiting at the trade show.”

“I’m so glad to know more about your department.”

“Thanks for telling me about your new marketing tactics and the vendor you use. I’ll check him out.”

7. Explain the next steps. Finally, say what you will do next, or what you would like for your contact to do next, to continue the relationship. That reassures your contact that instead of just melting into the crowd, you intend to take action. Promising to follow through signals interest and builds trust. Let your sincerity shine through. Look the person in the eye. Ask her for her card, so you’ll have the necessary information to stay in touch. Jot a note to yourself on the back of the card or in your phone while you are still with the person or soon after you part. Say what you will do or what the next step in your relationship will be:

“I’m going to send you that article we talked about.”

“This idea really jelled for me when you explained it. I’d like to hear more when we get together next week.”

“I’ll ask Jackson to call you right away.”

“I’ll see you at the next meeting.”

“So we’ve decided to meet for lunch next week. I’m so glad.”

“Let’s talk more about that idea after the holidays.”

Or ask your contact to follow up:

“Give me a call next week, and we’ll set up a time to talk about working in Thailand. It was the highlight of my year, and I’d love to tell you what I learned before you go there.”

Remember watching a wonderful miniseries? Remember the good feelings of expectation you had when you saw the words, “To be continued…” on the TV screen? That’s how you want to leave your contact, with those words hanging in the air, setting the stage for the next episode in your relationship.

Make these new relationship rituals part of your repertoire. Social skills pave the way for trust to grow.

The Likeability Link

Suppose you want to choose someone to work with you on a project. And suppose that your first choice, someone who is both competent and likeable, isn’t available. Who would you choose next? Someone who’s competent but not likeable, or someone who’s likeable but not competent?

According to a study by Tiziana Casciaro and Miguel Sousa Lobo called, “Competent Jerks, Lovable Fools, and the Formation of Social Networks,” most people say they would choose someone who’s competent but not likeable. But when the researchers looked at whom people actually chose, they were surprised. Likeability trumped competence. That’s right, in this study, reported in the June 2005 Harvard Business Review, most people chose to work with people they experienced as likeable, rather than with people they viewed as the most competent. In the Network-Oriented Workplace, people come together voluntarily, creating their own informal networks. Collaboration and the resulting value creation happen when people trust each other. And likeable people are just easier to trust.

You can learn and use all the rituals we’ve looked at for introductions, and endings, but if you’re not likeable, it won’t matter. So let’s explore three questions:

1. What is likeability?

2. Does likeability really matter?

3. Can likeability be learned?

WHAT IS LIKEABILITY?

When Lockheed Martin named Marilyn A. Hewson as the new CEO in 2012, Robert J. Stevens, the outgoing chief executive, said, “She is a genuinely likeable person who understands people and connects at an individual level.” What did Stevens mean?

Many people have tried to come up with a good definition. Tim Sanders in his book, The Likeability Factor, says likeability depends on being friendly, having empathy for the feelings of others, and being able to connect with what other people want and need. Some experts say you can be successful without being likeable. Others disagree, saying you can’t get to the top without the help of other people and that people only help people they like. Guy Kawasaki, author of Enchantment: The Art of Changing Hearts, Minds, and Action, claims that “you’ll know you’re likeable when you can communicate freely, casually, and comfortably with people.”

In their book The Axis of Influence, Michael Lovas and Pam Holloway outline four principles of likeability. We like people who:

1. Are familiar to us in some way (familiarity).

2. Are similar to us in some way (similarity).

3. Are genuinely interested in our concerns and values (interest).

4. Are easy to like in return (trustworthy, positive, nonjudgmental, and real).

The bottom line is that being likeable draws people toward you. Familiarity creates more liking. When two people who like each other connect and converse, good things happen. Trust grows. New networks spring up. New ideas blossom. New value is created.

Casciaro and Lobo write that if someone is disliked, others don’t care if he’s competent. They won’t want to work with him. “By contrast, if someone is likeable, his colleagues will seek out every little bit of competence he has to offer.” It was always the case that “a little extra likeability goes a longer way than a little extra competency in making someone desirable to work with.”

DOES LIKEABILITY REALLY MATTER?

Take a look at some additional research and decide for yourself.

   “Popular workers were seen as trustworthy, motivated, serious, decisive, and hardworking, and were recommended for fast-track promotion and generous pay increases. Their less-liked colleagues were perceived as arrogant, conniving, and manipulative. Pay raises and promotions were ruled out regardless of their academic background or professional qualifications,” says Melinda Tamkins, consultant and executive coach at Ninth House.

   In polls prior to every presidential election since 1960, only one of three factors is a reliable and consistent predictor of who will win. Issues? No. Party affiliation? No. Likeability? Yes. That research was done by Gallup, Inc.

   In interviews with almost 7000 decision makers, “only 17 percent said they could remember more than one time when they had the option not to buy and still went ahead and bought from a salesperson they didn’t like,” reports Mitch Anthony, author of Selling with Emotional Intelligence.

CAN LIKEABILITY BE LEARNED?

Likeability is made up of behaviors—and behaviors can be learned. As Pam Holloway, coauthor of The Axis of Influence, says, “Likeability is not magic. It’s not luck. It’s not a gift inherited by only a few.” Just as you add to your competence by learning new skills and taking in knowledge, you also can learn behaviors that will increase the likelihood of likeability. People will say things about you like, “I really like Gita. Let’s see if she’ll work with us.” Or, “Jeff is one of my favorite people. You’ll love working with him.”

Likeable behaviors send positive messages. When you go out of your way to see Maria, you’re saying, “I enjoy you.” When you ask Majid’s opinion, you’re saying, “I respect you.” When you save an article about something you know Arnie is interested in, you’re saying, “I know you.” It’s these kinds of behaviors that help you move through the Stages of Trust that are described in Chapter 4.

Likeable behaviors send positive messages.

When we asked our clients, “Tell us what behaviors make the people you work with likeable,” they talked about actions like the ones in the list below. As you read through them, put a checkmark next to the ones you’d be comfortable doing as you build relationships:

_____ 1. Smile at or wave to someone from across the room.

_____ 2. Offer to bring someone a cup of coffee.

_____ 3. Introduce a new colleague to several people.

_____ 4. Offer to give a coworker a ride to the meeting.

_____ 5. Say “Thanks for your help” by sending a funny card.

_____ 6. Nod your head “yes” when someone says something you agree with.

_____ 7. Stop what you’re doing and give someone your full attention.

_____ 8. Notice that someone needs a seat and get another chair or move over to make room.

_____ 9. Invite someone to move to a quieter part of the room, so you can hear each other better.

_____ 10. Remember that someone likes oranges and save one for him.

_____ 11. Say, “I really enjoy talking with you.”

_____ 12. Show joy on your face when someone you like comes into the room.

_____ 13. Respond quickly when someone leaves you a message.

_____ 14. Put your phone away when you’re in a face-to-face conversation.

_____ 15. Change your plans, so you can talk together longer.

_____ 16. Ask a thought-provoking question.

_____ 17. Bring someone a small or silly gift that has meaning to the two of you.

_____ 18. Find the humor in the situation when someone makes a mistake.

_____ 19. Keep good eye contact when talking with someone.

_____ 20. Invite the other person to go first when you’re in line together.

Choose several behaviors that you marked and look for times when you can comfortably use them to signal that you like someone. Hopefully, you’ve put a checkmark next to most of the suggestions listed above.

Robert Cialdini, an author and expert in the field of influence and persuasion, notes that finding something to like in the other person often means they will return that positive regard. Guy Kawasaki, author, investor, and business advisor, says, “If you don’t like people, people won’t like you.”

To be successful in the collaborative workplace, you want to be included in other people’s networks and you want them to say “yes” when you invite them to participate in yours. Increasing your social acumen will make the right things happen.