6

Deepen Interactions

LOOK BACK AT the Big Picture diagram in the Preface. You’ll see that the step between connecting and collaborating is conversing. There are five separate, yet interconnected, conversation skills. Mastering these skills will make developing relationships easier and more comfortable. Most people haven’t given much thought to what goes into having good conversations. When you master the skills in Competency 6, you’ll learn how to enrich your interactions as you:

   Talk: Get into dialogues that build and sustain relationships.

   Question: Ask questions that make people stop and think.

   Listen: Pay attention to the three things that are important.

   Give: Offer resources and ideas that signal you want to connect and collaborate.

   Reconnect: Follow through and stay in touch in ways that build trust.

Why People Don’t Talk

Mark was at company headquarters for a two-day training workshop. Both days he arrived at the classroom about 15 minutes early. Sitting down at the back of the room, he took out his smartphone to catch up on his email.

So why wasn’t Mark talking with his colleagues? There are many possible answers. A couple of them reflect his lack of skill in this very important competency; several more reflect his undeveloped networker identity.

   He wasn’t aware that those 15 minutes were a ChoicePoint.

   He considered those minutes before class personal time, not work time, not networking time. In his mind, he was “off duty.”

   He was drawn to the apparent immediacy of the electronic communication with its pinging alerts.

   He had no Agenda—nothing he had decided that he wanted to talk about—no “mission.”

   He felt uncertain and uncomfortable because some others in the class were not only strangers from other departments and divisions, but also from other cultures.

   He preferred an electronic mode of communicating because it allowed him to respond when and how he liked and made few demands on him emotionally.

   He was indifferent because he thought conversation was just “small talk,” and he didn’t realize how valuable it could be.

   He didn’t have much practice or any training in face-to-face communication.

   He didn’t link talking to getting his job done or contributing to his organization.

What about you? Have you, like Mark, opted out of opportunities for conversation? Once you realize that there are specific and learnable skills involved and that conversation is fundamental to building trust-based relationships, you’ll be able and eager to make the most of a lot of those serendipitous opportunities. You can make interacting more purposeful and rewarding. You’ll find that all of the conversation skills will help you enjoy, explore, and exchange.

Talk: Get into Dialogues That Build and Sustain Relationships

Use these tips to help you reach out to people and energize those interactions.

Organize some openers. Do your brain a favor and, before you go to an event, think of several openers. What could you say to start a conversation with the person sitting next to you at a workshop? With someone at an all-hands meeting? With a potential client? Here are some possibilities: “The title of this workshop really grabbed my attention. Is your agency finding recruiting a challenge, too?” Or, “Are you a new employee like me or a long-timer?” Or, “I’m part of the downtown revitalization project team. Have you read about it in the newspaper?”

Add something new. Conversations need your unique contributions. When Georgina and her coworkers chatted before their online meeting got started, she said, “This is my hundredth day with the company!” That sparked a lively exchange in which people said how long they’d been with the company. Similarly, when Al and Sam were at lunch, Al was ready to field the typical questions like “How are you?” and “What’s new?” Rather than responding with “Not bad” and “Not much,” Al offered that he was about to go to a conference. Sam said he’d arrange for Al to meet with an old friend of his who would also be attending. Who knows what opportunities might have been lost if Al had never mentioned the upcoming conference? When you speak up and add something new, you go from the superficial to the specific. Content counts. Be sure you have your Agenda in mind, so you can add topics you care about to the conversation.

To go from the superficial to the specific, speak up.

Appreciate other people. When was the last time someone told you something they appreciated about you, for no reason, out of the blue? Maybe you were a little embarrassed, but wasn’t it wonderful? Didn’t it brighten your day and give you a special connection to that person? Your willingness to give appreciation to other people is a sign of your confidence and strength. As your capacity for gratitude grows, your ability to give grows. No phony baloney stuff here, please. Just ask yourself from time to time, when you’re with people, “What do I appreciate about this person? What would feel good to acknowledge about this person?” Fran said to Hatsumi, “I really admire your skill in turning around disgruntled customers. You’re incredible!” Bill told his son’s soccer coach, “I think you ought to know that at our house, you are the most frequently quoted expert on almost everything. Several times a day Louis says, ‘Coach Baxter says…’ or ‘Coach Baxter wants me to.…’”

Play a little. Business conversations can feel heavy, stale, and boring if you can’t laugh a little together. Marquette University professor Father John Naus, once said, “We rarely succeed at anything unless we have fun doing it.” How true. We’re not talking about having a joke for every occasion, but rather seeing the light side, relaxing for a moment in the midst of serious business talk, and laughing together to create a feeling of camaraderie. Phil ran into some coworkers going home on the commuter train the day he was promoted. The car was crowded, so Phil was hanging on to the strap. Then, Jake scooted over on the seat and said, “Here, Phil, sit down. If they can make room for you at the top, we sure can make room for you at the bottom.”

Lighten up, laugh a little.

Look for differences. It’s fun to find out that you and your contact both grew up in Texas, or both have MBAs, but don’t shy away from exploring all the wonderful, wacky ways you’re different, too. You love anything that has to do with numbers, finance, budgets; she majored in music and loves performing. You grew up in “Smalltown, USA”; he grew up in Italy. Dive into those differences in order to learn something and gain new perspectives. Say, “Tell me about that. What was it like to grow up in Naples?” Networks that are diverse in age, gender, culture, function, geography, rank, and any other category expand your thinking and present you with unexpected and out-of-the-ordinary ideas and resources.

Engage with energy. Ever noticed how hard it is to talk with someone who refuses to get excited about anything, someone who, no matter what topic comes up, responds, “Whatever”? Don’t be that person. Think of it like this: There’s an invisible string going from you to each person you meet. You can decide to make that string zing with energy or let it lie there, limp and lifeless. One way to show your energy and enthusiasm is with your facial expressions. If you say, “I’m so glad to meet you,” but your face doesn’t match your words, guess which people will believe? Another way is with your voice. Most people have a five-note tonal range. If you never get out of those five notes, your voice is a monotone and you risk coming across as bored and boring. When Marcia said, “My boss asked me if I would give the presentation,” she emphasized one word that gave her feelings away. Colleagues could tell that Marcia was surprised and delighted because her voice went up on the word “me.”

Don’t get stuck in the “same old, same old.”

Just say no. You might be surprised to find out that saying “no” builds relationships. But if you can’t say “no,” your “yeses” don’t mean a thing. When Bert was asked if he’d lead a task force to look into how to best integrate new hires into the firm, he said, “Thanks for asking, but no. I’ve been out of school too long. I think Susan or Tim would be much more tuned into the ‘school to workplace’ transition issues.” Can you imagine how trust might have been torpedoed if Bert had said “yes” to a request that was not a good fit?

Take clichés seriously. You ask someone, “How are you?” She replies, “Really busy!” or “Really tired!” You come back with “Me too!” Those are clichés. Instead ask, “What’s been keeping you busy?” or “What’s the most tiring thing you’re dealing with these days?” Clichés are boring, so bore in. Explore them. Or make them more personal. Or make your response unexpected and playful.

Bored with clichés? Bore in.

Explore the icebergs. George says, “My life is just crazy right now.” That’s an iceberg statement. A little is showing, but a lot of what’s going on is still submerged. Instead of replying, “Oh, I know what you mean,” go deeper. Find out what’s hidden. Don’t ignore the obvious question waiting to be asked, “What’s going on that’s crazy?” In one such exchange, Leigh got a surprising answer: “I’m interviewing people for a new job we’ve created in our department.” Leigh’s brother applied for the job and was hired. Wasn’t she glad she decided to explore!

Notice other people. When you take the time to notice people out loud, it’s a sign of respect. You’ve let the other person know that he or she is visible to you and that you are thinking about him. When you comment on someone’s activities, he or she feels recognized and trust grows. Say, “I noticed that you’ve been traveling much more for your job than you used to. How do you like it?” Or, “You seemed to really enjoy giving that presentation. Have you always felt so comfortable talking to large groups?” Or, “I noticed you made sure everyone got a chance to give their ideas in the meeting. Your facilitation skills create such a good result.”

Accept the offer. If you take a workshop on how to do improv, a form of theater with no written dialogue, you’ll learn a technique called “accept the offer.” That means, if I begin the scene implying that we’re on a boat being chased by pirates, you better not come back with the idea that we’re on an airplane that’s run out of fuel. Just as in an improv scene, your conversation partner will give you ideas about where she’d like the conversation to go. If you ignore the cues, you’ll cut off future possibilities. Accept the cues and you’ll create more connection and trust. If Marcia says, “Boy, I really could use a vacation,” don’t come back with, “I’m sick of winter.” Instead, pursue the vacation topic. Ask, “Where would you go?”

Raise your expectations. What do you predict will be the value of your next conversation? What you expect is what you’ll get. Don’t underestimate what can happen. People who persist in calling it “small talk” file it in their minds next to other inconsequential things like “small change” and “small fry.” Instead, approach every conversation with this mindset: “I wonder what surprising/amazing/interesting/valuable ideas or resources might come up in this conversation!”

Question: Ask Questions That Make People Stop and Think

You’ll be known for the questions you ask. Questions show respect. They say, “I’m interested and curious.” They reveal your interests and your background. And yes, they even give evidence of your Character and Competence.

Many people seem reluctant to ask questions, let alone to ask good questions that go beyond the standard “Where did you go to school?” or “Where did you grow up?” Somewhere along the way, many of us decided it was safer to adopt an air of indifference, as if we’ve seen it all, as if nothing surprises us. People tell us, “I don’t want to look stupid.” Or they say, “I don’t want to seem nosy.” Or, “Won’t people be suspicious if I’m too curious and enthusiastic?” Whatever the reason, it’s time to break out of old habits and add a new mantra to your networker identity: Be Seriously Curious.

Be known for the questions you ask.

That’s was Matt did. Seeing the fisherman bring his boat up onto the beach, this enthusiastic four-year-old ran up to have a look at the catch. He had dozens of questions: “Why is that one striped, but this one is spotted?” “Does that kind grow any bigger?” “Are all of these fish good to eat?” “Which one is poisonous?” “Do you like to touch them?” “Can they make noise under water?” Matt’s curiosity was infectious. Listening to the fisherman talk about his catch, blasé adults on the beach began to gather round the little boat and rekindle their curiosity in life, right along with Matt.

Four-year-olds are curious about everything and don’t mind showing it. Connect with some of that four-year-old curiosity. Find a role model. Anyone under the age of five will do. Notice the questions he asks, the sheer joy he has for “finding out.” Questions help you uncover a need, a commonality, or a difference you want to explore. You’ll move more quickly into the Active Stage of relationship building, a critical Stage in the trust-building process.

Here are a few of our favorite all-purpose questions. Have them ready to use in almost any kind of situation:

   “Catch me up on what you’ve been doing.” This invites the other person to steer the conversation wherever she wishes.

   “What have you been working on lately?” Again, you’re showing that you’re open to letting the other person to choose what to tell you about—the deck he’s building or a project at work.

   “What are you excited about?” Or, “What are you looking forward to?” Both of these questions introduce some emotion into the conversation. That’s a great idea, especially when the exchange feels a little flat. Your contact may have to think for a moment before answering, because this is an unusual—and therefore interesting—question. Her answer will give you a peek into her future, so listen for how you can help.

   “Tell me your story.” Use your voice, your facial expression, and posture to convey intense, positive interest with this question. Because you can tell a lot about a person by where he starts and what he includes, this is a great getting-to-know-you question.

It’s not always possible to have questions preplanned and on the tip of your tongue. Don’t just count on serendipity to make the conversation work. Use the ASK formula to come up with questions to make the conversation more purposeful and engaging. The letters in the word ASK will remind you to:

A = Add emotion. Tony sat next to Henri on the plane going from Bangkok to Paris. When Henri said that his company had just been bought, Tony asked, “How did you feel about that?” When Henri said that his last child had left for college and he and his wife were “empty nesters,” Tony said, “When our kids grew up, we were elated and sad at the same time. You too?”

S = Seek an opinion. When Jim told Maria about the new software package, Maria asked, “What’s the best improvement in this version? What features do you think will need more customization?”

K = Kick it around. When Gloria and Colleen served on the board of directors together, they had many conversations to explore things like, “What are the best ways to increase membership? and What are the biggest challenges our members have that the association can help with?”

ASK questions add emotion, seek an opinion, and invite exploration as you kick an idea around.

You can’t always plan specifically what to ask when you want to grow the relationship, but you can deepen the exchange, using the ASK formula ideas.

Listen: Pay Attention to the Three Things That Are Important

Networking doesn’t mean doing all the talking. The quiet side of networking is listening. Good conversationalists give others a chance to talk. While talking with several coworkers about the upcoming weekend, Mary noticed Frank hadn’t said anything. So Mary turned to Frank and said, “Have you and your family got any plans, Frank?”

Listening isn’t just impatiently waiting for your turn to talk.

Listening is not just waiting for your turn to talk. Unfortunately, many people act that way in conversations—impatiently waiting instead of listening. Listening is work. Don’t think of it as a passive activity where you just nod every once in a while as you wait for an opportunity to chime in. Listening is active. Give it your undivided attention and focus. You speak at a rate of about 150 words a minute, but you can think more than 500 words a minute. That’s one reason you must train yourself to pay attention rather than allow your mind to wander off.

Listening can be a challenge. Networking venues are often noisy. If you’re trying to listen to someone in a room where lots of other lively conversations are going on, do what Marsha did. She said to Leonie, “Let’s move over there out of the way a bit. I really want to hear what you’re saying.”

If you call yourself an introvert, listening is probably one of your favorite ways of interacting with people. But be sure to speak up. Through conversation people get to know your interests and expertise. They learn what to come to you for and what opportunities to send your way. Mentally prepare your Agenda, your list of what you’d like to talk about. If, as an introvert, you feel drained after 30 or 40 minutes of talking with people, take a break. Take a walk down the hall. Or find a private place to stretch, breathe, and gather your thoughts. Recall what’s on your Agenda—so you’re ready with a topic you’re excited about. Then rejoin the group with renewed focus and energy. James told us, “When I need a break, I just take to the stairs and run down four flights, then back up again. Works wonders for clearing my mind!”

LISTEN FOR THREE THINGS

With distractions like noisy rooms and minds that are used to multitasking, listening well is a skill that needs to be taken seriously. To sharpen your focus:

1. Listen for evidence of your contact’s Character and Competence. When Sam tells you about chairing the fund-raising committee for the new wing of the Children’s Hospital, what might that mean about his Character and Competence? When Sophia recounts her tale of battling her way through the snowstorm to get to work when lots of her colleagues stayed home, what does that tell you?

2. Listen for information about the other person’s skills and talents. Mei and Don were on a coffee break at the Department of State. When Don mentioned that he’d just finished designing a short course on giving briefings, Mei asked about it and listened carefully. She knew that her boss was looking for a course on that topic for her team. “Hmmmm,” she thought, as she noticed his friendly, relaxed style, “Maybe Don would be the guy to teach it for us.”

3. Listen for clues as to what you can give. Listening generously means hearing not only the words, but also the needs of your conversation partner. Once you offer a resource, an idea, or an introduction, your relationship moves to the Active Stage, where you have more chances to demonstrate your Character and Competence and discover your contact’s. Sheila and Joan met when they played on the company softball team. During one game, they had time to chat on the sidelines. Sheila mentioned she was going to miss a couple of games because of her business trip to New Zealand. Joan offered to give her an electronic introduction to her sister who lived there and worked for a different division of the company.

Reap the benefits of listening well. You’ll find out reasons to follow up. You’ll learn something new. You’ll develop a reputation as a great connector as you hear good reasons to introduce people to one another. And you’ll definitely stand out in a crowd. Giving true attention is so rare that you will make a positive impression. Ken says, “I create an imaginary bubble around me and the person I’m talking with. Six elephants in tutus could dance through the room, and I wouldn’t notice.” You can bet people remember talking with him.

Give: Offer Resources and Ideas That Signal You Want to Connect and Collaborate

Whether you’re self-employed, working in a small nonprofit, or climbing up the ladder of a large corporation, giving is the heart and soul of your success. Since people collaborate best with people they trust, giving becomes one of the best ways to teach people to have confidence in you.

The act of giving teaches so much about who you are—how well you listen to what people say, the importance you place on the relationship as indicated by the speed of your response, the types of networks you’re involved in, and the generosity of your spirit. Your willingness to give reveals what kind of collaborator you’ll be. It reveals your view about how the world works.

Giving teaches who you are and reveals the kind of collaborator you will be.

Here’s what Donna, a senior sales representative, has to say about giving. “I want to be known as a resource—for lots of things. I like to network on a large scale. Sure it’s fun to help my buddies, but much more exciting to think bigger. I don’t just give information about my area of expertise, which is frankly rather narrow. I might help a woman I know find a spot on a nonprofit board, for instance, not because I think I’ll benefit from doing that, but rather because it feels good, I learn a lot, and I want people to see me as the person to come to when they don’t know where to find something. I want to be known as someone who has a wide range of interests and resources and who knows a lot of people.”

LOOK FOR “THE GIVE”

In Chapter 2, you learned to make a networking Agenda. Your Give list is a “menu” of resources, ideas, enthusiasms, and expertise, a menu of things you are ready to give away. Have those items on the tip of your tongue, but notice also that people will mention things they need (their Gets) that you can respond to even though you don’t have them listed on your Agenda as Gives. So be ready with your Agenda Gives, but also be receptive. Tune into the cues that others give you, and draw on who you are, who you know, and what you know to create a giving connection.

The role of networking in the workplace has changed. In the past, you may have thought of networking as a way to get your job done and advance your career. In today’s collaborative environment your networking becomes more other-centered. Giving is a way to impact not only your success, but also the success of others.

Here’s how three people used their discretionary energy and their valuable resources to find a Give, help their coworkers, and ultimately impact the quality of work all across the board.

   Marcella met Janelle at the firm’s holiday party. Since they worked on different floors and in different departments, they’d never had a chance to talk. Marcella said she was a runner. When Janelle heard that she said, “I’m on the employee fitness task force. We want to do a 5K run in the spring. How about helping with that project?” Marcella said, “I managed a run for charity last fall and learned a lot about planning a successful run. I’d be happy to help. How about including my friend Jon in the planning, too?” And Janelle had the beginnings of her committee.

   Jackson, a seasoned IT guy, wanted to upgrade the intranet he’d just begun to manage for his company. He was especially interested in enticing 20-something employees to use it more. When Jackson mentioned that at lunch with his coworkers, Ben offered to invite several of his young contacts—people he’d gone through orientation with—to serve as an informal focus group. He reserved a private room where people could bring in their lunches, and as they ate, he gathered ideas from the other new hires to give to Jackson.

   Jerry felt great about leading the team while his boss was out on maternity leave—except for one thing. He had no experience running meetings and the very thought of it made him nervous. Jerry told Sheila and Eric about his fears as they carpooled to work. The three had previously worked in the same department and knew each other well. Sheila was a pro at leading meetings. She offered to be Jerry’s “shadow consultant,” teach him some techniques she used, and cheer him on.

In Chapter 4, you learned to identify the Stage of Trust you’re at with each of your contacts. You discovered that at each Stage there are appropriate things to do and say. Likewise, when you give to others, your giving should reflect the Stage of Trust you’ve reached—and no more. Randy offered to recommend his new neighbor for a job at his company. What was a nice gesture ended up putting Randy’s reputation on the line. He hadn’t known his neighbor long enough to be assured of his Character and Competence and only learned later that he’d been fired from his previous job for nonperformance.

NEW RESEARCH ON GIVING

Does the idea of helping others put you off? We hear people say things like, “When will I have time to do my own work?” and “What if people take advantage of me?”

Research reported in Adam Grant’s book, Give and Take, will help you understand how to manage your giving, so that it helps you, others, and your organization. Grant, a professor at The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, advocates being what he calls “otherish”—being willing to help others, but also making sure you achieve what’s important to you. Grant identifies three kinds of people in the workplace: Matchers, Takers, and Givers. Matchers want to create a balanced score sheet. You give me something; I give you something back. Takers try to get you to give to them, but put no energy into reciprocating.

The Givers in Grant’s studies have the most to teach us about how to operate in the Network-Oriented Workplace. His research shows that some Givers are quite successful, but others are not. So what’s the difference? The unsuccessful Givers had no boundaries, got burnt out, and weren’t comfortable asking for help themselves. The successful Givers, on the other hand, knew how to set boundaries, express their own needs, and were more likely to find win-win solutions because they were good at empathizing with others.

At the design firm IDEO, they call giving “helping.” It’s the same idea under another name. In “IDEO’s Culture of Helping” in the January/February 2014 issue of the Harvard Business Review, the authors say that helpfulness isn’t natural; it must be nurtured. Potential helpers might be more used to competing. And people might not ask for help because they don’t want to be seen as weak or incompetent. IDEO’s CEO, Tim Brown, says, “I believe that the more complex the problem, the more help you need.” Leaders prove their commitment to helping by giving and seeking help themselves. Employees get The Little Book of IDEO that lists the values of the organization, including “Make others successful.” And the authors point out that trust is what makes a helping, collaborative culture work.

Reconnect: Follow Through and Stay in Touch in Ways That Build Trust

As baseball players and golfers all know, follow-through is the act of carrying a motion to its natural completion. Follow-through ensures that the player achieves maximum force on the ball. It’s not a separate act. It’s a natural extension of the initial contact.

In the same way, networking Follow-Through begins with a good first conversation, one in which you listen generously and are seriously curious to find out what’s on your conversation partner’s Agenda. A meaty conversation will give you ideas about how to follow through. Reconnect based on the other person’s Agenda, not yours. So be sure you talk less than 50 percent of the time and learn all you can about your contact.

Follow-Through begins with a good first conversation.

Ideally, you’ll suggest another meeting during that first conversation. You might say, “I’d like to talk with you more about that. Can I call you next week to set up a time to get together?” Or say, for example, “I’ll give you a call next month, so that we can get together for lunch.” The goal is to set up a chain reaction of six to eight encounters. You won’t have to initiate every meeting. You know you’ll see Tom at the next task force meeting, for example, and you’ll reconnect with Clara at the monthly board meeting.

FIGURE OUT REASONS TO RECONNECT

Why do you want to get back in touch? Getting clear on that will help you decide how to do it.

1. Chemistry. You like the person. You like her energy. You like his sense of humor. She seems easy to talk with. You feel at ease with him. You “click.”

2. Commitment. You had a rich, Agenda-based conversation that requires some specific next step. You promised to provide a phone number or website or piece of information.

3. Commonality. You found you have something in common or uncovered a need that begs to be explored. You can imagine because of what he does (chairs the diversity task force, for instance)/who he knows (people in Seattle where you plan to move next year)/the experiences she’s had (worked in London), that it will be mutually beneficial if you make time to talk and get to know each other.

THE FIVE GOALS OF FOLLOW-THROUGH

We’ve lost track of the number of times participants in our training programs have said, “I met someone once. Now what? I can’t just call him up and say, ‘Hi! Remember me?’” In Chapter 4, you learned that dormant ties—people you met three months ago or three years ago—can be very valuable. They will often lead you to better solutions and resources than people in your current networks. So set aside any fears you might have, such as, “He won’t remember me,” or “She’s too busy and important.”

What are you trying to achieve as you nurture networking relationships? What are your five specific goals? Aim to make use of every interaction to teach your contact:

1. Your name and how to reach you easily

2. Exactly what you do

3. Why she can trust you, whether she works inside or outside your organization

4. What kinds of clients, customers, or job opportunities you are seeking and what you can refer to him

5. What kind of information and opportunities you’re looking for

As you reach these goals with your contacts, you’ll begin to—and continue to—reap the benefits of networking.

EIGHT REACHBACK STRATEGIES THAT WORK

Be creative in coming up with ReachBack strategies to reconnect intentionally. And what is “ReachBack”? It’s a term we invented to emphasize the idea of reaching back to dormant relationships—and reaching out to the people you are currently working and networking with. Consistent Follow-Through helps you maintain your networking relationships, so that your contacts are ready to help you.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

ReachBack Strategy #1: Set up the “annual” lunch. When you fear it’s been too long since you last talked, do what Mack did. He called Tim, whom he hadn’t seen in about three years and said, “Hey, it’s time for our annual lunch. How about Tuesday?” That lets Tim off the hook—he’s probably feeling bad about not keeping up with Mack. Of course, they both know it’s been longer than a year, but they have a good laugh and everybody saves face.

ReachBack Strategy #2: Ask for feedback. Ask someone you’d like to reconnect with to review something you’ve written. Tom writes a short monthly blog for members of the professional association he works for. About a week before his deadline, as a way to stay connected, he sends his blog to a couple of members and to a few coworkers in other departments. He asks for their comments, suggestions, and a reality check. By choosing a different group of “reviewers” each month, he collects new insights, suggestions, and strategies. And the people he asks are honored to have contributed.

ReachBack Strategy #3: Piggyback on other events. Everybody’s busy, but isn’t it easier to fit in reconnecting if you tack it on to other events? Lorrie met Rhoda at a management training course, delivered in half-day segments, for staff at Georgetown University. A few days before the second session of the course, Lorrie sent Rhoda an email saying, “Looking forward to seeing you at the course. Got time for a quick lunch in the faculty dining room after our session?”

ReachBack Strategy #4: Build a little sweat equity. Did your contact mention a sport? Suggest a round of golf or a bike ride as a way to spend time together. It’s a fact that connections and conversations that happen outside of the office often lead to insights about your contact’s Character and Competence.

ReachBack Strategy #5: Praise their publicity. Peruse the newspaper watching for publicity about any of your contacts. Clip articles and send them with sticky notes. Or use the Internet to find out what’s new. Setting up a Google Alert will bring their news to your inbox. Or respond to a post on Facebook. Giving feedback is a great way to reconnect and stay in touch.

ReachBack Strategy #6: Lend a book. Offer a book or CD you’ve enjoyed. When Mike met Charles at a Rotary International luncheon, Charles said, “I’ve been wishing I had a copy of that new book by Malcolm Gladwell.” Mike asked for his business card and said, “I have a copy. I’ll give you a call and bring it over when I’m near your office tomorrow afternoon.” When you stop by, if your contact has time to chat, be ready to ask about projects he or she is working on and ready to tell about your latest projects and challenges.

ReachBack Strategy #7: Have a bunch to lunch. Ask a few people you’d like to know better to lunch. Pick your lunch bunch carefully, so that the benefits of their becoming better acquainted with you and with each other are obvious. Marcella, who owns an advertising agency, reserves the last Friday of every month and invites a mix of clients and potential clients to a catered lunch in her conference room. “They seem to enjoy meeting each other. Often, the stories my current clients tell to my potential clients teach them to best way to use our services.”

ReachBack Strategy #8: Find people to thank. Late Friday afternoon, when not much else is going on, look back over your week and find five people to thank. Thank Karishma with a funny card for tutoring you in that new software program. Send Bill an email thanking him for the referral. Send the three people who supported you during your successful job search gift baskets of specialty chocolates. Call Stan to tell him how much you appreciated his advice about how to handle the office move you are managing.

Follow-Through ideas come in all sizes, shapes, and flavors. The more specific they are and the more they relate to the interests and needs of your contact, the better they will be received. Just because you meet Alex once doesn’t mean that he wants to be sent your brochure or your newsletter. That’s about you, not about him. Given the situation, the contact, and what happened in the first (or most recent) conversation, is it best to stick to electronic communications, or send a note through the mail? Would it be best to look for him at the next meeting or drop by his office? Remember, it’s not the amount of time you spend with someone that builds trust. It’s the quality of the interaction. Choose face-to-face contact whenever you can.

Through conversation, relationships develop and deepen. Honing all the conversation skills means that you are ready to network—to explore, to enjoy, and to educate. You can add, “I can talk to anybody,” to your networker identity.