The coaching skill set

The key skills used within coaching are skills that you have used all your life, such as listening, questioning, state management and speaking. The differences between coaching and everyday conversations are in the intensity and quality of your listening, the structure of the conversation, the quality of the questions and the focus of attention on clarity, insight and outcome. The skills of coaching are evident throughout this book. Doing some kind of coaching skills health check can really help coaches, mentors and leaders who coach. The self-assessment questionnaire in Chapter 1 is useful for even the most experienced coaches and mentors to help you reflect from time to time.

If you haven’t done the skills assessment yet, it may be helpful for you to complete that and keep your answers in mind when you read through the next sections of this chapter.

Some practical things can help in any coaching intervention, whether it’s a face-to-face session, a telephone session, video, Skype or email. Make sure you review notes, remind yourself of coaching objectives and think about the session. Getting prepared in terms of your physical and mental state are important too.

The mentoring mind-set

The mentoring relationship is slightly different from the coaching relationship. Yes, you need to be present and listen actively, but the balance of conversation is different in mentoring. Mentors elicit less and illustrate, support and advise more than coaches do. So while mentors need a growth mind-set that is focused on the ability of the mentee to learn, you need to be on alert with your particular knowledge and experience at the ready. The mentee is looking to you for guidance, so the eliciting and listening needs to be focused around the issues you are mentoring on, particularly if you’re mentoring around a specialist area.

When we’re mentoring, the mentoring is usually around some kind of thinking activity such as helping someone devise a situational response or helping her understand and apply a proven methodology for handling something. The balance is more towards actively signposting and advising the mentee rather than resourcing her to find the answer herself.

In mentoring, the mentor is sharing experience, knowledge, networks and ideas generation with the mentee. Mentors need to contract with a client, work within a model/framework and help clients get clear on any actions they may take as a result of the session.

Being present for a session

In coaching, turning up for a session isn’t being present. A lamp post can be present. Looking or sounding interested isn’t enough either. A devoted dog can do that if you dangle the smell of a treat in its path. Presence is about being fully engaged with a client, and it demands everything of the coach. It’s about full-on attention in body, heart and mind. Yes, we used the heart word. If a coach is physically there and has all her intellectual and thinking faculties on alert but has no emotional connection with her client’s experience, the situation is like going to a doctor and getting a prescription drug without any acknowledgement that you have a pain that impacts you. Don’t leave your compassion at home when you work in business – you’re trying to help people create businesses that people love to do business with!

Business leaders are busy. Their coaching session can be one of the rare opportunities they get to stop and think in a focused way with another person. Part of the job is to help clients remove distractions and slow down the pace for a while so they can focus and get something from their session.

Coaches need to be present to mirror effective presence and encourage clients to be with them in the moment. Inviting a client to stop and breathe lower in the belly, to close her eyes for a second and allow the thoughts and distractions of the day to leave her for the next hour or so while you help her focus on whatever she came here for is all about cultivating presence.

Being present in mentoring is obviously as important as in coaching. You need to come to the conversation well prepared, but the emotional distance is greater in mentoring.

Active listening

Listening in coaching isn’t listening for the sake of just hearing or listening to respond, which is what we do in most conversations. You’re actively listening. When you actively listen, you focus only on the client and on listening fully. You’re listening in order to understand the client’s story, her dilemma and the issues she wants to address. You’re listening for language, assumptions, generalisations, beliefs, facts and emotions. Listen for passion, panic, perception and pause. You also need to listen intently and be able to summarise what the client has told you. The client needs to know she has been heard for you to serve her well.

The client deserves your absolute attention in order to:

• Elicit the issue the client wants help with.
• Check understanding of the assumptions, generalisations, opinion and facts in the story you hear.
• Listen for language that tells you how the person has experienced the problem or situation. The way someone recalls a situation or describes an issue can be as important as the issue itself.
• Understand what you can pull out of your coaching toolkit to assist her.
• Ensure that the person feels heard and you can gain and sustain rapport.

Active listening is full-on listening with the power and volume turned up – full-on attention, not ‘Oh could you repeat that? I got distracted by the lovely artwork on your wall’ kind of attention. Sit up, be fully there and notice everything.

Part of your job is helping clients see themselves and their behaviour. You can’t be a mirror of sparkling clarity unless your focus is entirely directed at your client. When your client says ‘I think the suit was all wrong; they were dressed quite casually. I think they might take me for someone who is a bit too formal’, you need to be in a position to say, ‘It sounds like the presentation went well, and the investors loved the product. You have worked so hard to get here over the last four years. Your team are so excited to hear if you have secured funds to expand. They’re all behind you on this. Sounds like you’ve done a great job. So when they’re so supportive and behind you, why are you preoccupied about whether they’re judging your suit?’

Why coaching is rarely about the first issue in the conversation

Contracting can be complex. Clients sometimes contract for a period of coaching, start the process and then overtly change their mind about what they want help with. Alternatively, a new and deeper, often more impactful issue emerges in the conversation. Clients may have been aware of the secondary issue (which is probably the primary issue) at the point of contracting, or the issue was something they were not consciously aware of. So why does it emerge? There may be several reasons. Trust and space stand out. It takes time for a coach to gain rapport with clients and for clients to trust enough to state the real issues they want to coach around. This situation is quite normal, and coaches need to be ready for it.

When any of us slow down and focus on things impacting us in business life, the mere fact that we create the space to think invites the possibility that other issues may show up.

Flexibility in coaching and on the part of the coach is imperative. Enabling a coachee to trust in the process and consider sessions as a continuum rather than one-off events can really help people look in the places they never considered initially.

Doing your homework and developing relevant business knowledge

If you want to support people in business, particularly at executive levels where decisions get taken about direction, strategy, resources, risk and rewards, you need to understand business and the language of business.

The depth of that knowledge really depends on the type and level of engagement you are looking for with clients. Ask yourself: What kind of clients do I want to work with? Do I want to specialise in a particular sector, an area of business, a subject area or defined niche? Do I want to work in territory or globally? Understanding your own ideal customer is key. If you think about your customers and the level at which they operate and want support, what does this indicate for you?

The following would be useful knowledge to have:

• An overview of business, how it operates, key features and key language used
• Detailed knowledge of a particular geographical market (national or global)
• In-depth knowledge of a professional area
• Knowledge of a profession across a range of markets
• Investor responsibilities and governance
• An understanding of board-level structures and director’s duties

Getting really clear on this beneficial knowledge can help you develop your coaching practice, target sessions with specific emphasis and identify your own learning. It would be hard to work in parts of China if you don’t speak Mandarin, and you’ll find it equally hard to coach in business if you don’t understand business.

An experienced coach doesn’t necessarily need exposure in a particular type of business niche to coach people in that business; clients know that themselves. However, knowing how a business operates, the language of business, how to read an annual report, understanding organisational reporting requirements in overview and the generic features of domestic and global business is useful and gives credibility.

Know when you are comfortable and when you are out of your depth. Chapter 16 gives some indications of generic resources to help you develop your knowledge base. More generally, the best place to understand what you need to know starts with using your common sense.

If you are supporting around a specific professional area, keep your professional membership requirements up to date. If you are coaching global teams, make sure you read, ask and stay open to the different cultural norms inherent in a mixed group. Work with individual preferences as much as practically possible, bearing in mind the cultural context and operating environment of the parent company. If you normally coach in the pharmaceutical industry and get a contract to coach in a hospital setting, research the roles, structures and operating environment.

Getting into the right frame of mind

Managing your coaching mind-set means ensuring that you are relaxed yet alert before a coaching session starts. Coming from a mind-set of openness, learning and growth for the duration of the session really helps it along. Remember that your role is to be in service to the client. Stopping before a session to prepare before you start the face-to-face or pick up the telephone is the first step; simply stop for five to ten minutes to clear your mind of distractions and commit to focus only on the client in front of you. Grounding your state irrespective of what has been going on for you just before the session is an essential part of being in service to your client.

Contracting creates relationship clarity

Whether coaching individually or in groups, the agreement about why, what, where, when, who and how much needs to be absolutely clear. Getting this clarity up front saves any confusion or surprises at a later date. Your agreement needs to be in writing and in plain language. Table 4-2 shows, at minimum, what the agreement should include and who is responsible for following through with each issue.

If you already have a structure for managing sessions, you may want to check that the elements listed in Table 4-2 are covered.

In addition, the agreement should reflect a flavour of your brand and of how you like to work. We say more about developing your brand in Chapter 13.

Where third-party sponsors are involved in an organisation and they are responsible for fee payment, you need to engage them at the outset of contracting to gain agreement to the coaching outcomes and content of the contract terms. If the contract then needs to change during the period of coaching, the client or the coach must discuss that with the sponsor. You may want to create two levels of agreement. Your agreement needs to be in writing and in plain language. One would be a contract for services document; the other, an agreement about the coaching relationship between the coach and coachee. It should set out clearly who is responsible for what.

The contracting session

The first session with your client can reasonably be split into three parts: domestics, respecting the relationship and difference making.

• The domestics: Where and how you will work together; the details of the agreement and how these will operate in practice; what the agreement is with the employer (if applicable); where notes are stored and the like.
• Respecting the relationship: How you will behave towards each other, implications of cancellation, confidentiality, acting honestly, role boundaries and what happens if you need to suggest referral outside of coaching.
• Difference making: Expected outcomes, expectations of individual work outside of session time, assessing how the client and others will experience success and how the on-going coaching relationship will be evaluated.

Creating the right environment

It seems too simple to say that you need to pay attention to the coaching environment and to make it conducive to effective coaching, but we have heard tell of people coaching in unsuitable environments so often that it’s worthy of a mention here.

In simple terms, this relationship is professional and, even though many a business deal is made on a golf course, we recommend that unless you are coaching or mentoring clients on their swing, it isn’t a conducive environment. At its simplest level, the client is distracted by the game, and you can’t possibly be fully present in the coaching if you are worrying about winning and upsetting your high-achieving competitive client.

Some simple dos for managing an environment:

• Hold the session in a quiet, professional space. No beds or therapy couches.
• Have natural light if possible.
• Make water available (hydration is an essential brain lubricant).
• Have a room that comfortably fits two to four people if you are coaching an individual.
• Have a table, preferably round, and sit at an angle rather than interview style.
• Use a circle of chairs if coaching a group.
• Keep the air conditioning and heat down and have some fresh air in the room if you can.
• Have as few distractions as possible.
• Turn all phones and electronic equipment off – it’s a coaching conversation, not a ‘fit you into a window while I do something else’ appointment.
• Have blank paper and pens ready or a notebook for your client to write in if she chooses.
• If possible, track time using a clock on the wall behind your client’s head and away from her gaze.
• Arrive early and set the room up as best you can when coaching away from your known environment.
• If coaching remotely, try to re-create these conditions in your space and encourage the client to do the same. In particular, suggest that any papers are cleared, computer alerts switched off and rooms have a sign outside asking not to be disturbed.
• Wear comfortable, appropriate clothing and your most welcoming smile.

Create the kind of welcoming environment that you would like to be coached in. No Skype calls from your bedroom in your PJs, even if you are working across time zones! We’ve even had coaches report holding sessions in the gym on a treadmill and in a sauna – please don’t. Coaching is a professional relationship and needs to be treated as such. You wouldn’t expect a lawyer or a doctor or an accountant to meet clients on a treadmill to discuss a contract, their health plan or their tax return would you?

Knowing your limitations

All coaches are not equal. There. We’ve said it. In the world of personal and professional development where we like to find the best in everyone and want people to be resourceful and successful, we shy away from saying such things. Truth is, we’re like wine. A spectrum exists from supermarket plonk to fine reserve produced by Trappist monks on a secluded mountaintop accessible by swing bridge where only five bottles are released every 20 years. We may think that we’re the reserve, we may promote ourselves as the reserve, we may charge fees closer to the reserve price, and … we don’t always know if those nearer the plonk provider end of the spectrum are providing a reserve experience at a plonk price. What we do know is that some people think they’re getting the reserve experience because the price is nearer to the price of the bottle with the Trappist monk picture on it. However, some clients are getting reserve standard wine at the plonk price because some great coaches don’t know how to run a business or because, quite simply, they undervalue the difference they make.

The client must understand what they’re paying for. It serves coaches well to get comfortable explaining their credentials, and it serves clients well to get comfortable asking about them. Experience, qualifications, training and professional background are important. Of all these, experience is the most important. By that we don’t just mean coaching hours (which are important); we mean the experience of the clients the coach has worked with and the impact the coach has had. Recognising the boundaries of experience and knowing when a coach is punching above her weight is important. Taking a client that you’re not yet a ‘skills and experience fit’ to coach can be a disaster. Knowing when to say ‘No, this isn’t my area of expertise, of comfort, of confidence, of competence’ is important.

Find out how to say no clearly and nicely when the work just isn’t for you or you know you can’t serve the client well. Keep your coaching network fresh, and recognise that sometimes your service to clients is in referring them to another great coach. As a business client, recognise that someone who is clear about the boundaries of her expertise is a great coach. You want to find out more about what she does and hang onto her contact details.

The CLEAR model

Peter Hawkins at Bath Consultancy Group developed the CLEAR model in the early 1980s. Like many coaching models, this model is defined using acronyms. It has five stages or elements (see Figure 4-1):

1. Contracting: Opening the discussion, setting the scope, establishing the desired outcomes and agreeing to ground rules.
2. Listening: Using active listening and interventions, and helping clients develop their understanding of the situation and generate personal insight.
3. Exploring: Helping clients understand the personal impact the situation is having on them and challenging them to think through possibilities for future action in resolving the situation.
4. Action: Supporting the clients in choosing a way ahead and deciding the next step.
5. Review: Closing the intervention, and reinforcing ground covered, decisions made and value added. Wherever possible, the client summarises her actions, insights and self-reflections at this stage. The coach also encourages feedback from the client on what was helpful about the coaching process, what was difficult and what she would like more or less of in future coaching conversations.

This model is effective for supporting a person in situ in an operational situation. It can easily be used to identify a way forward to an emergent issue/problem, which is current and immediate. The model is useful for generating ideas, helping a client see a situation differently or identifying and assessing possible alternatives.

The important thing about the CLEAR model is to keep it conversational. The conversation has a structure and a direction with the overall aim of giving the client what she wants from the session and leaving her in a better place than when she sat down to talk to you.

Solution-focused coaching model

Solution-focused coaching helps people see the range of possible solutions open to them and how they can take action to achieve that solution. It can be particularly useful when a client is finding it difficult to discuss the content of a situation or perceives the problem as overwhelming and can’t break it down into its component parts.

The question for the coach in solution-focused work isn’t ‘Where is the client coming from, and what is the issue she is facing?’; it’s more like, ‘Where is the client aiming to get to, and what steps can she take to get there?’

The coach supports the client by working through these four steps:

1. Positive forward-focused pictures. What will the client be doing (rather than not doing) that will indicate that the problem is getting resolved?
2. Identifiable and specific actions. If the client is to know that she is being successful, she needs to know specifically what she will be doing that will make her know that the situation is improving.
3. Small, incremental changes. She needs to identify the small indicators that she or others will notice, indicators that demonstrate that she is on the right path.
4. A preferred future. This future is one that the client defines and thinks she is capable of achieving. You aren’t looking for the preferred future or the perfect future that the client thinks the coach wants for her.

This model is simple and can be used quickly if a client has limited time. It also works well as a self-coaching tool. We often teach clients how to use the model themselves and with their teams. It can be used in group coaching where a group is focused on the delivery of a change outcome or introducing a new product for example.

A model for mentoring

As a fan of the mnemonic, co-author Marie has used the following model in training mentors to think about their role. It acts as a useful aide memoire and is similar in structure to the CLEAR model, described earlier in this chapter. The model is simple, and we like simple.

In the following mentoring model, the mentor leads and manages the session around six stages (coaches and mentors do love a series of stages and steps).

The mentee typically brings an issue. The mentoring session opens up with ideas and sharing, and moves through examination of likely scenarios. The difference in mentoring as opposed to coaching is in the amount of personal experience the mentor shares from her own professional life. The mentor uses her experience to highlight the issues the mentee needs to consider and helps the mentee think through his options and proposed actions. The mentee produces a clear plan of action.

1. Motivate by generating ideas and options and sharing own experience.
2. Explore ideas, solutions, roles and scenarios.
3. Notice the mentee’s response and degree of movement towards a solution.
4. Theorise as to possible impacts of the ideas and options generated.
5. Outline a plan of proposed action.
6. Review the session and usefulness of the intervention.

Developing flexibility in utilising models and tools

The beauty of coaching models is that when you have a few under your belt, you can mix them up and identify what works with your client. We have mentioned several models throughout this book. We invite you to mix them up and notice what works for your client. Even with the two models outlined in this chapter, you can insert a bit of solution focus into the CLEAR model. You can mix models readily when looking at exploring what may be required or at the action stage when defining the how of getting things moving forward.

The invitation is to use coaching models like a knickerbocker glory ice cream rather than four flavours in single cones. This mixture is how business operates. It doesn’t play out in a vanilla fashion. Business is more like chocolate chip and raspberry ripple mixed in with a few bits of rocky road biscuit and a few nuts!

Don’t be greedy and possessive with your toolkit. If you want to resource clients, let them know what you are doing when you use models. Share your models so they can learn to use them too. Some coaches behave like they are holding onto state secrets with their toolkit. Models are just information. What you do with them in service to a client is what creates magic results.

Coaching and mentoring via telephone, web and email

When your client isn’t sitting in front of you, create the conditions to act as if she is. If you’re running a session on the phone or email, aim for the following if you can:

• Clear away anything that distracts you. Turn off you mobile phone and computer alerts; move papers off of your desk. Have only those things that relate to the client in front of you. If you have a photo of your client, take a quick look and remember whom you’re talking to before you start. Imagining her sitting in front of you sounds a bit far-fetched, yet it works.
• Be prepared to hear the silences like a deafening gap. Silence always seems to last longer on the telephone or webcam. Keep in mind that the client needs time to explore her thinking. She can’t do that if you keep interrupting her.
• Be prepared to walk the client through the process you are following to give her signals of what you are about to do. Doing so is good practice anyway but becomes even more important when a client can’t see you. For example, if you were using the CLEAR model (see the earlier section ‘The CLEAR model’) when you had identified the broad issue she wanted to focus on, you may say something like, ‘I’m just going to listen for the next few minutes and take a few notes while you think about the issue. When you’re ready, tell me what I need to know to help you today’.

In short, acknowledge what you are doing to facilitate the client’s thinking.

Using the telephone

Your active listening skills need to be on high alert when you use the phone for coaching. You are not simply listening for the words but for any pauses that may indicate confusion, discontent or some other emotion. When you sense something is interrupting the client’s thoughts, it’s useful to check. You could ask, ‘Is your hesitation because you need a minute to pause and think, or for another reason?’

When people are face to face, you can coach them through a range of scenarios and steps easily. When Marie is coaching on the telephone, she often suggests that a client pops the phone down for ten minutes to write out quick ideas in a mind map or bullet points. This activity can be useful if clients want to generate a communication piece or would like to walk through a conversation they intend to have with a third party. It can be more effective to use a teleconference service so you can stay on the line and have the client dial back in when she is ready.

Using Skype or videoconferencing services

While videoconference is preferable to email and telephone coaching, it only works for the client if you can guarantee a reliable connection. Marie once tried to get a signal using the Bluetooth connection via her phone to power a connection to Skype on a laptop in the middle of the Arizona desert. Not her finest coaching hour.

Dial in and test the connection in advance. Sending the client a reminder of your soft rules of engagement also makes for a better session. Maybe you can schedule a message the morning of the call just reminding her of any sign-in details (Skype name or any passcodes), time of call (in both time zones if relevant), and suggest that the client will have a better experience if she can be at a clutter-free desk or private room with no phone or other distractions. Make sure she has a mobile or landline number in case something goes wrong. We mentioned working in your PJs earlier – don’t do it. Dress as if you were seeing a client face to face.

Emailing

While email coaching isn’t ideal because so much can be misinterpreted without the rapport-building that happens face to face or through the voice, some coaches and clients prefer it.

If you’re coaching on email, you can’t clarify things with each other quickly. You must make sure that the communication is clear and short. Remember that you are in dialogue, not writing an essay. Check in frequently with the client on where you are in the coaching process. Also, as with telephone coaching, the process needs to be made more explicit. So you can write, ‘It seems like you have explored all angles of this issue. So if you were to move to action now, what steps can you take to execute your idea?’

To coach on email well, you need to be good at using language and spotting deletions, distortions, assumptions and generalisations (see Chapter 5). Getting good at reframing written sentences quickly helps too. Resisting the temptation to shorten sentences in our increasingly sound bite, fast-focused world needs to be considered.

You probably notice a world of difference between

I think you’re saying that Mary is causing a real problem in your team.

And

So I can understand that Mary’s work isn’t at the level you would like, and she isn’t delivering to target at the moment.

And even greater difference if you talk in tweetage such as

I hr u say M’s wk is prob @ mo n u need 2 do somat

Doesn’t look professional and thought out, does it?

The format of email coaching is important. Emailing in two different colours (one each) can really help. Be wary of using too much emphasis like bold, capitals, exclamation marks and the like. These can signal a feeling that the client may misinterpret.

Cross-cultural and multicultural work

Cross-cultural work can be a complex subject because so many permutations exist. If you work in a business wholly owned and led from the US and you are in Europe but manage staff in Singapore, Russia, Australia and India, this situation is significantly different to managing a UK subsidiary of a US-owned company where you have a small office in Geneva and one in Germany. If you are coaching clients with complex responsibilities, you need to understand those to serve the client well.

If clients are managing people from a different culture to their own but situated in their country of origin, this situation is wholly different to coaching a client from a different culture operating outside of her country of origin.

People commonly group areas together using convenient umbrella terminology such as ‘Asia’ or ‘Europe’ when you can find myriad nuances of culture inside those labels. If you think about the tiny island that is the UK, you have Welsh, Scottish, Irish, English, northern and southern cultures and regional subcultures. No wonder thinking about the notion of cross-cultural working is complex!

Some of the questions you’re looking to understand to help the client include:

• What country is the company led from in terms of governance?
• Overall, what factors are dominant in that country in terms of values, issues of gender, equality, religion, appetite for risk, governmental system (democratic or autocratic) and power relationships?
• What is the culture within the company? What five descriptive words or sentences would your client use to describe it?
• What is valued in the company – what gets rewarded and what doesn’t?
• How does culture differ in the country of the person/people you are coaching? (Walk through questions 2–4.)
• Where are the customers that the client’s staff are serving, and what are the features of their culture? (See question 2.)

When coaching businesses that work across different cultural contexts, with staff from a variety of cultural backgrounds, you need to work harder at understanding their context in order to coach them through the additional challenges and rewards that this variety may bring.

Most large-scale business is in a state of constantly learning how to get results in different ways, usually in different markets. Often, coaching leaders who work cross-culturally is about helping them develop flexibility and get clear on what factors are important in delivering results for the company in different territories. You need to help them focus on outputs while paying attention to the dominant country culture, the culture in the organisation itself and the various norms that operate in the organisations that the client is responsible for.