Chapter seven

How to be more resilient

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What you’ll do in this chapter:	This will help you to be more confident in any work situation, especially:
How to become more resilient to stress. How to relax mind and body and give/receive a relaxing shoulder massage. How to cope better with your own feelings, such as anger, panic or taking things personally or too seriously. How to get back into the swing of it after a break. How to improve your general well-being.	Team meetings/‘morning huddle’. Giving a talk or presentation, making a report or running a training session at any level. Communication at all levels (including letter, e-mail and phone) up to Board level. Work-related social or team building events. Changing demands and stressors.

This chapter will provide you with powerful skills and techniques that will build your resilience for situations at work that might shake your confidence. In other words, this chapter will explore ways to cushion yourself so that you are affected less, rather like an air bag in a car, or knee and elbow pads for skateboarding. First, one of the most common confidence shakers - stress.

What is stress anyway?

We all know what stress is, but try explaining it in a few sentences … it’s really difficult. It’s not that it’s particularly complicated, it’s more that it’s hard to put it into words, especially without experiencing it first hand, as I certainly have. It’s a bit like love or pain - you’ll know it when you feel it, but it’s hard to describe exactly what it is. The reason for that is probably the same - that stress is a combination of emotional and physical sensations. Anyway, here is what I find the best way to explain stress. I sidestep what it is for now, and describe when we’re likely to feel it.

At its simplest, you feel stressed when there is a feeling of unpleasant and unwanted pressure because of circumstances that make you feel one or more of these:

• threatened;
• unsure or unfamiliar;
• overwhelmed;
• trapped;
• dissatisfied or unhappy;
• that you can’t cope as well as you want to;
• that you can’t cope at all.
  

Though this is a definition of stress, it reads just like a description of what it feels like to lack confidence. So, it’s not surprising that low confidence goes hand in hand with stress. The thing is, stress doesn’t come with a label, so often we’ll label it in some other way, depending on how exactly we experience it - anything from tension, to fear, anxiety, panic, stress, nervousness, no confidence, scared, and so on.

As stress is a key feature in this chapter, there will be some extra ‘Chill times’ for you to try - beginning with this one.

Taking the sting out of stress

Almost everyone knows what it feels like to be stressed, even if it’s for the few hours before an exam, a driving test, during a job interview or an appraisal. Maybe you have been lucky and have never felt stressed, so you might be tempted to skip this section. Don’t! Most of the ideas and thoughts about stress given here will also be helpful in increasing your confidence. That’s because stress and low self-confidence are either end of a two-way street. Feeling stressed makes your confidence level fall. And lacking confidence produces stress. And, anyway, sometimes you’re the last to know that you’re stressed - so keep reading!

Stress is notoriously badly explained, because it is quite easy to misunderstand many aspects of stress and then pass this misunderstanding on to others. Also the internet has allowed many misunderstandings to go viral and be repeated over and over. This applies to every subject, not just stress. So, you may have heard some myths about stress that just aren’t true. Just because it’s in an article or book about stress, in a website or online discussion, doesn’t make it true. I’ll be busting those myths in this chapter. Sadly, the legislation that makes sure that advertising doesn’t mislead us does not extend to articles, websites, information leaflets and downloads, books and documentaries, or even the news! Whatever topic you’re looking for on the internet, or you hear about on a news broadcast, and especially if the subject is stress, pay attention to the following:

• Always check who is saying what you’re reading or hearing, and what their background is. Are they independent? Was the study or evidence collection valid, robust and reliable?
• The news and current affairs media will often report what has been said by an organisation or individual, sometimes on flimsy evidence or from a particular standpoint, and that’s perfectly legitimate, but if you haven’t caught the short introductory phrase, ‘According to …’ you could absorb the report as confirmed fact.
• Look at the original source or evidence for yourself - many misinterpretations and plain incorrect data and information is repeated again and again, through the power of cut and paste, with no one ever checking out the original source.
• Wikipedia is a wonderful source of information, but bear in mind it has not been independently verified, and anyone can add material to it.
  

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Henry Ford, founder of the Ford Motor Company, 1863-1947

Why stress makes you feel bad

When your brain registers that you are experiencing stress, whether minor or major, the stress hormones, adrenalin and cortisol are automatically released to help you to cope with whatever is stressing you. This changes your body’s normal finely tuned chemical balance, which is usually working in the background on its default everyday setting without you having to raise a finger. You don’t have to tell your heart to beat, your lungs to breathe, or your bladder to produce urine, and so on. It all just happens.

But when your brain has registered that you are feeling unable to cope with a stressor, it turns the dial up to ‘under attack’, and alters all your default settings according to the level of threat. This would be fine if you were in physical danger, which this reflex action was designed for, in stone age times. You would be beautifully prepared to run away really fast, lift heavy objects, if one had fallen on you or a loved one, or to fight with a predator or hostile tribe. But here’s the rub. Though this reflex action is still a lifesaver in cases of accidents or other physical threats and dangers, stress at work is usually of a psychosocial nature. In other words, it’s when you feel a threat to you as a person. Your brain can’t tell the difference and presses the ‘red alert’ button, whether you’ve just stepped into the path of a car, or you’ve just realised you’re not going to make that vital deadline.

Here are just some of the other reasons for stress at work:

long hours	juggling family and job
being overloaded	incompetence in others
tight deadlines	working conditions
difficult people	isolation
job insecurity	conflict with others
role uncertainty	always on duty
being a workaholic	the responsibility
business problems	moving home a lot
bullying	poor communication
constant change	being away from home a lot
low pay	unlikely promotion
shift work	lack of confidence
travel to work	lack of control
demands on home life	noise/heat/cold

So, your body has prepared you for intense physical action, but there you are sitting in a meeting, at a desk, on the way home in the car or on a train. So, as you would expect, your body is in turmoil, all geared up to run for your life, but with nowhere to go. And this produces many physical symptoms, as well as changes in your usual behaviour and thinking processes, which you experience as the symptoms of stress - raised heart rate, increased breathing rate, changes to your thinking processes, anger, panic, and all the rest. And this can be very scary, if you are carrying out your everyday work tasks. So, your brain reacts by producing yet more stress reaction, more symptoms, you feel even more scared, and so on into a vicious circle, which can feel very, very unpleasant indeed. The end result can be a ‘panic attack’, which I’ll explain shortly.

How stressed are you?

Here are just some of the ways stress can make you feel. You are unlikely to experience them all but, on the other hand, just one may suggest stress.

Physical	Emotional	Behaviour
Dry mouth	Panicky	Lack of concentration
Churning stomach	Irritable	Restless
Tiredness	Forgetful	Unable to sleep or very sleepy
Unwanted muscle tension	‘Unreal’	Eating too much or too little
Trembling	Anxious	Making mistakes
Diarrhoea	Worried	Change in usual behaviour
Sweating	Depressed	Indecisive
Heart racing	Negative	Forgetful
	Sad

What to do

1. Use your personal journal to record which of these you have experienced/felt more often than not in the past seven days.
2. Now give a score to each item recorded, from 1 to 5, to express how severely you feel that symptom, 1 being slightly, 5 being as bad as it can possibly get.
3. Add up your score.

   0	no stress
   1-9	probably overtired
   10-19	overtired or slightly stressed
   20-39	slightly stressed
   40-69	moderately stressed
   70-99	very stressed
   100-125	highly stressed

This myth of there being ‘good’ stress, or ‘eustress’, came about because we all perform better at work when we are absorbed and enthused by it. Unfortunately, some decades ago, largely because of the misinterpretation of some early research, this positive idea became confused with the negative one of ‘stress’ and the concept of ‘good stress and bad stress’ was born, along with the pernicious idea that we all need a bit of stress to perform well.

How you can develop your resilience to stress

As I said earlier, there is so much misinformation and ideas straight off the top of someone’s head for you to find on the internet, from friends, magazines, and so-called ‘experts’. But there are also solid, reliable and fully researched findings on how best to cope with stress, and here they are - I’ll explain these in more detail next.

• Can you do anything about the cause of your stress?
• Slow down and make time for quick and easy relaxation techniques.
• Use quick and easy breathing techniques.
• Take breaks - daily, weekly and yearly.
• Use time in a way that meets your needs well.
• Live a lifestyle that promotes health and well-being and builds resilience.
• Recognise and deal with panic attacks.
• Think yourself calm.
• Be as active as you can.
  

Can you do anything about the cause of your stress?

This is the first question to ask yourself when you feel stressed. Because the most obvious, but often forgotten, way to cope better with stress is to remove the cause of it altogether. The reason this is often missed is that most stressors are beyond your power to change them. But sometimes you may be able to at least reduce the extent of the problem. So, your first step will always be to decide whether you can actually reduce or remove the reason for the stress.

1. If you think you can. Go for it. You can also find someone with the expertise to advise you about it, if that would help. This would apply to bullying and harassment, and discrimination of any kind, or difficulties with a colleague. Use the channels provided and seek out whatever support is available to you to do this, whether in the workplace or outside of it. All these are common difficulties, it’s not just you, so no one will be surprised or shocked. But, also, do all you can to cushion yourself from its effects, and build your resilience too, as explained in this chapter.
2. If you’re not sure. Find expert advice and support to help clarify the situation - a chat with an objective and supportive expert third party can help you see what the main issues really are and what, if anything, you can do to improve the situation.
3. If you are still unsure why you feel stressed, it is probably because of your general approach to life or business, and this whole chapter, and the entire book, should help you explore this and find ways forward.
   

Slow down and make time for relaxation

The pace of life is extremely fast, and most people constantly juggle numerous bits of information in their heads. Your body and mind need a break from this, in order to function at their best. How you choose to relax is very much down to your preferences. But allowing your body to completely chill out at least once every day soothes your nervous system and builds resilience. A quiet walk, relaxing music, a lazy bath, gardening or a run are just a few ways you can do this. Special relaxation techniques are also really useful because they can be done more quickly than most of these, and you can usually fit them into your day anywhere, and in any situation. You’ll find these in the ‘Chill time’ boxes in every chapter to try out and use.

Take your breath away

As discussed before, stress shows in your breathing. The change may be slight and unnoticeable to you, but stress speeds up your breathing rate, even just by a few extra breaths a minute. You’ll also find yourself breathing less deeply and with the top part of your chest, compared to the more usual and more relaxed abdominal breathing. Even small changes to breathing alters body chemistry and how you feel, and this happens within minutes, if not seconds. Feeling faint, tingling in your fingers, poor concentration, indecision and your mind going blank can all be signs of breathing a little faster or ‘overbreathing’. So breathing normally can help to relieve many of the symptoms of stress and will also help reduce tension and anxiety, and just make you feel more content.

Don’t let time push you around

The stress messengers in our blood make us rush everything. We talk quickly, eat quickly, work for too long and ‘fire fight’ or crisis manage much of the time, instead of planning ahead and thinking things out properly. With home commitments on top, clock watching becomes a way of life, and this is exacerbated by 24/7 contact from everyone. You can begin to feel that the clock is controlling your life. Much of this we do without thinking because our body is already stressed and is pushing us in all the wrong directions. However, the upshot usually is that mistakes are made, work can need redoing, decisions made can be poor, and quality suffers, all of which means that more time is needed to complete work to the required standard, making all the rushing truly counterproductive.

These are some of the ways you can take back control of the clock:

• Be organised and know where everything is.
• Don’t set unreasonably tight deadlines for yourself - you are often the one who does this to yourself (I know I do) - so cut yourself some slack.
• Do one job at a time whenever possible.
• Keep lists of jobs to be done, separating urgent and non-urgent.
• Select and prioritise what you do - you can’t do it all - delegate whenever possible.
• Say ‘no’ when you should (how to do this is in Chapter 3).
• Plan your days and weeks in advance and keep a diary.
  

Skipping breaks is one of those counter-intuitive choices. No, you don’t get more done if you skip lunch and your afternoon tea break, even if you drink lots of coffee or high-energy drinks to keep you going, or grab a sandwich on the go. Not if it isn’t the exception, but the rule. Apart from the health issues related to irregular eating, and too much caffeine, your body will be working well below par for most of the day due to tiredness and, if you haven’t eaten for hours, or you fill up on high-sugar foods, your blood sugar levels will be well below the optimum for any kind of task, or varying wildly, and your concentration, memory and problem-solving abilities will drop more and more as each hour goes by.

But, if you take regular breaks and eat properly, over the average day, you’ll get more done and it will be done better. And think how much better you’ll feel, too. You know it makes sense. Even a five-minute complete break in a stressful morning can work wonders. I can certainly vouch for that, and the research bears this out, too.

Life is for living to the full

You don’t have to be a punch bag and just take the stresses and strains of life. You can prepare yourself for them. You can create cushioning or a shield by building your resilience. Many simple adjustments to the way we live our lives can make stress easier to cope with. Here are some of these. Note in your journal any you think might work for you, and try them when you feel the time is right:

• Eat regularly. Don’t skip meals, especially breakfast and lunch.
• Avoid too much food or drink containing caffeine, e.g. energy drinks, some flu or headache remedies, cola, coffee, chocolate (sorry!).
• Eat a healthy and well-balanced diet.
• Do things you enjoy regularly - ‘me-time’ is a must. It’s not selfish, everyone around you will benefit from a happier, more relaxed you. So make time for enjoyable hobbies, interests and leisure pursuits, or just for doing nothing.
• Don’t rely on alcohol or other substances to help you sleep or relax.
• Plenty of restful sleep works wonders - relaxation and breathing techniques help if you can’t get off to sleep, or you wake up during the night.
• If you have a late night, allow time to catch up on missed sleep.
• Regular physical activity that fits in with your commitments and is something you enjoy, will produce calmness and a sense of well-being. Even if you are initially really unenthusiastic, the feel-good factor cuts in very quickly, after only 5 or 10 minutes of activity.
  

It’s not difficult to build activity into your life without going to a gym, or signing up for a course. Here are some easy ways to make your days more active, while you’re at work:

• Offer to help with jobs that involve activity.
• Walk up the stairs rather than taking the lift whenever you can.
• Try walking over to see a colleague at the other end of the building, rather than sending them an e-mail or phoning.
• Have a ‘walking meeting’, instead of a seated one.
• When out in the car, park a bit further away than you need to, and walk the extra distance.
• On the bus, get off a stop early.
  

Panic attacks can be handled

Stress can bring on sudden attacks of particularly acute anxiety or panic. Seeming to appear from nowhere, they then decline and disappear again, lasting anything from several minutes, to half an hour at most. The first thing you feel is your stomach turning over or churning, or your heart racing. You might feel hot and sweaty, light-headed and very fearful, with an urgent need to escape. Others find themselves rooted to the spot, simply unable to move, no matter how much they try. Panic attacks are the body’s full-blown emergency ‘fight, flight or freeze’ reaction, which happens completely automatically when we are in extreme physical danger to give us the energy and muscle strength to help us either to run away from or fight whatever is threatening us. Just as some animals will freeze to prevent attack, this can happen to some people, too. These attacks lasts a maximum of 20 minutes because your body can’t sustain the reaction for any longer. ‘Fight, flight or freeze’ is a very ancient, primitive, but life-saving part of us. If you had to take the time to work out what to do if a pedestrian steps out in front of your car, it could already be too late. The ‘fight or flight’ reaction does it for you before you even have time to blink.

If you have experienced a panic attack, or a generally panicky feeling, you’ve probably found that just telling yourself to pull yourself together and not panic doesn’t work very well. I mentioned earlier that the panic response is set off automatically, like breathing or your heart beating. You can’t tell your heart to stop beating, either. However, physical techniques like the ‘PAUSE Technique’ can reach and turn off this automatic response.

Calm and relaxed thinking

Sometimes it’s your mind that just won’t relax. Even with a relaxed body, it is possible for the mind to be stressing away on its own, worrying about this, fretting about that, and thinking ‘what if …’ almost anything. This can be the most annoying and wearing experience. Being able to relax physically goes some way to relaxing your mind. But sometimes a bit more is needed to do the trick.

Simply telling yourself not to think about something, or to take your mind off your worries, will achieve little. It’s a bit like telling the automatic pilot on a flight to slow down. It just won’t hear you. No, the key tip here is that the way to get your mind off your worries is to give your mind something else to think about. And the way to make it relax is to give it something relaxing to think about. Chapters 5-8 include Chill times’ specially designed to help you to relax your mind. And here are some others to try, so that you can find one that works for you.

Choose your words carefully

The words used when you think, and your attitudes and basic beliefs, can also contribute much to how stressed you feel. In Chapter 2, we explored many examples of this, such as using words like ‘should’ or ‘must’, tending to blame yourself when things go wrong, or taking a negative perspective on life. The focus was on the kind of ‘inner dialogue’ people have with themselves every day, and how that might affect levels of stress and tension. We all have a kind of ‘running commentary’ going on in our heads, and it can often be negative and discouraging. But, once you’re aware this is going on, and the consequences, it becomes possible to change it.

As a reminder, here are some of the key areas covered in Chapter 2, as all of these can help you to build your resilience to stress:

• Some common thoughts, assumptions and beliefs (TABs) can be unhelpful in that they limit your achievement and lower your self-confidence.
• Becoming aware of these TABs and challenging them can remove or reduce this effect.
• Replacing these TABs with positive versions can improve self-confidence and achievement.
• Being mindful for at least five minutes a day can boost self-confidence. You can be mindful if you bring your thoughts into the here and now, slow down and quietly use your senses to take everything in around you, feeling and experiencing the moment fully.
• Visualising yourself dealing calmly and confidently with a situation several times before it happens can really improve your performance.
  

Be active!

Choose activities or exercise you really enjoy. Exercise doesn’t have to be boring to do you good! And, if it fits in easily with your lifestyle, so much the better. So choose activities that make you feel good, don’t rush into anything you’re not ready for, and you’ll find that all these benefits of regular exercise are very real. Exercise:

• takes your mind off any anxieties;
• releases ‘endorphins’ in the brain, which have the effect of enhancing your sense of well-being;
• sends a refreshing and energising blood flow around the whole body;
• helps you to sleep better;
• eases unwanted muscle tension;
• gives you more energy;
• improves overall health, well-being and general resilience.
  

My 20 best strategies for building resilience to stress

1. Scan your body for stress and tension regularly each day.
2. Share your troubles with a good, trusted support network.
3. Relax mind and body some time every day, for at least five minutes. Do this several times a day during a stressful period.
4. Aim for a lifestyle that includes regular enjoyable exercise, leisure time, and ‘me-time’.
5. Eat healthily, avoid too much caffeine and don’t skip meals.
6. Know that you are not a victim and that you can take control and make changes to improve things.
7. Take regular breaks and get a good night’s sleep.
8. Avoid hurry and rushing. Live your life at a liveable speed.
9. Don’t use alcohol or non-prescription drugs to combat stress or disappointment.
10. Don’t give up easily. Know that sometimes all that’s needed is a bit of effort.
11. Approach life with a positive attitude.
12. Recognise that you have inner strength and varied skills, talents and abilities.
13. Know that you can think through and find solutions to problems.
14. Respect your own needs and those of others, know how to compromise and say no when you want to.
15. Know that everyone can make mistakes and know how to learn from them.
16. Have friends who are positive and supportive.
17. Accept offers of help and ask for help when needed. There is no need to make life hard for yourself. And people love to help.
18. Work out your priorities and be organised - know where you are, where you want to go and how you plan to get there.
19. Have a sense of humour and be able to laugh at yourself sometimes.
20. Have a sense of purpose - know what it is and how to follow it.
    

Too sensitive for your own good? How not to take things personally

You may be surprised to hear this, but it’s OK to be sensitive. You may well think that there can’t be a positive side to being sensitive. Here’s an activity that might help you to start to change your mind.

The chances are that the people you have chosen, like you, are scoring fairly high on sensitivity. Most of the people we like and admire in this world rate quite highly on the sensitivity meter. Now, why should that be? I shall explain. Here are two typical sensitive people and some of their experiences.

Sharon and Phil’s experiences show us just some of the ways that being sensitive can and does work for you. Because with being sensitive comes a whole other package of characteristics that you may have and be happy to have.

You may not have been aware of it, but you probably have some or all of the following list of positive characteristics. Don’t be modest, really think about each of these. Which would you say apply to you? Be honest with yourself:

Caring Intuitive Perceptive Likeable Alert Empathic Good listener Reliable

Committed Analytical Deep thinker Very good at seeing other people’s point of view Aware of subtleties Can visualise different scenarios Aware of consequences

You may have been aware of this positive side of sensitivity, but have discounted its importance because you tend to focus on what you see as the more negative, sensitive side. You may feel that being sensitive is what defines you. But is that logical?

• Do you throw out all of the fruit in a bowl if one apple is mouldy?
• Would you scrap a car with a flat tyre?
• Do you judge a garden by one weed in a corner?
• Does your impression of a whole room depend on one picture on one wall?
  

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure - which is: try to please everybody.

Herbert Swope, American newspaper editor, 1882-1958

So what can you do about the negative side of being sensitive?

• Take on board all aspects of being sensitive, not just bits of it. Being sensitive is pretty much a prerequisite for being a caring and intuitive person and many of the other characteristics listed above. These characteristics may be a source of inspiration and admiration to other people. They may be the aspects of you that you like, too!
• Use every other chapter in this book (and especially Chapters 2 and 3) to help you not to feel hurt by the comments or actions of others.
• Focus less on the negative side of being sensitive and make sure to harness and really use the much more substantial positive side.
• Another way to look at this is to think of people you know who aren’t sensitive. Think of people who have very little or no sensitivity at all. They are likely to be more self-centred than you, and likely to make more tactless comments than you, with or without realising it. They may well be the very people you feel hurt by.
• You really can’t please all the people all the time, so don’t give yourself such a hard time for being just like everyone else.
• We all have days when we’re more or less sensitive than others, due to variations in mood, hormones, how tired we are, what happened the day before, and so on.
  

Returning to work after a break

Coming back from a long time sick, a period of unemployment, or from maternity leave can be a real confidence drainer. Everything seems to have changed, nothing seems familiar, there will be new faces, and everyone expects you just to slot right back in, even though you feel like you’re starting all over again. And, as if that wasn’t enough, you’ve lost the work routine, as you may have spent long hours alone, or coping with small children, and feel your brain needs time to click into place and change gear. You may even worry if it ever will again.

Yes, it may take a few weeks to reacquaint yourself with your workplace and the changes that have taken place - but there’s no need to apologise for that. Everyone goes through this at some time, and most will fully understand your position. So, just ask someone if you need to know something, and you’ll quickly be back up to speed. Or try dropping in for a few visits in the weeks before you return to update yourself, or perhaps fire off some e-mails to colleagues to get a feel for goings-on and get back in the loop. It makes sense and shows enthusiasm, energy and forward thinking, all good skills to show off to your line manager and colleagues.

Returning after sick leave

If you’re returning after weeks or months on sick leave because of an illness or medical procedure, you can talk to Occupational Health or Human Resources (or your manager) about a phased return to work. This usually would mean a spell of part-time work, a lighter workload, working from home, or a mixture of all three - and makes it very much easier to slide back into your working role. It’s an increasingly common approach, because employers have found it works, and it makes the transition from sofa to desk much more likely to succeed. Employers prefer this to someone coming back full-time too early, and just ending up off sick again or, alternatively, staying off for a longer time than necessary, just to be sure.

Returning after maternity leave

Picking up where you left off after maternity leave can pose its own anxieties, more so if it’s been several months or more. There is a feeling out there that new mothers may have what’s become known as ‘baby brain’ or ‘mummy brain’, and this can sap your confidence when you’re faced with an important team meeting on your first day back. Will you manage to string a sensible sentence together? How have things moved on? Here are some thoughts new mothers may find helpful:

1. There is unlikely to have been a change in your brain power. This would be very unusual. What is most likely is that looking after one or more small children requires a different sort of brain use. You have to juggle lots of information and needs all day, and attend to multiple physical and practical tasks, sometimes without a break and with the effects of grazing for food and sleep deprivation thrown into the mix. With a first baby, everything can be new, so you also have to learn a whole new way of life, and learn it fast. Nothing is predictable and speedy decision making is constantly required. In other words, your brain can become overloaded. Little wonder then that you can find yourself stumbling for a name or a phone number, or giving the cat the baby’s lunch. As you become more used to motherhood and have fewer disturbed nights, things should return to normal.
2. Your work-based skills and knowledge are still there. They just need dusting off, refreshing and using again. Just like your work clothes.
3. Your organisational and practical skills will have been enhanced, along with your stamina and time management, and your softer skills, such as empathy and communication.
4. You’re likely to have made friendships that can last a lifetime with other new mothers and parents. These will provide support and companionship, and will strengthen your resilience for years ahead. My children are grown up now, but some of my best and closest friends are still some of the parents I met when my children were tiny, including colleagues who were juggling work with the responsibilities of young children, just as I was.
5. If you can, join colleagues for nights out, while you’re on maternity leave, or just meet up for coffee now and then - this is an enjoyable way to stay in touch, maintain friendships and have a chance to rehearse your workplace role and keep it fresh.
6. Be like a ‘Transformer’ toy. When you start back at work, before opening the door to your workplace, try spending a few moments mentally transforming yourself from ‘mum’ to who you are in your job. Even after settling back into work, I found the drive from home to work was a great time for me to change hats and switch the professional me back on.
7. Work can seem like a dawdle after handling a child and a home 24 hours a day. Your job can be a welcome break from the ‘extreme multitasking’, quick-fire decision making and constant interruptions that is a day at home with the children - although your job may require you to do this, too!
8. At work, you’ll have more quality time to concentrate and to think about your responses in meetings. Likewise, for your e-mails, in your dealings with an employee or your manager, or your input to a project. The joy of an unbroken thought train will return to your day. And you’ll have the wonderful benefit of an undisturbed meal break.
   

But the problem is that when I go around and speak on campuses, I still don’t get young men standing up and saying, How can I combine career and family?

Gertrude Stein, American art collector and writer, 1874-1946

Does your work sometimes make you angry?

The frustrations and stresses of the workplace can build and build, like a tap dripping inside you until, one day, for no particular reason, it can suddenly overflow and surface as anger, a tantrum or, worse, violence. It wouldn’t be the first time that such anger has led to an office or desk being trashed. For others, the anger simmers away quietly, surfacing often in the form of general irritability and impatience with others, sarcasm, sulking, put-downs, not listening, being obstructive or argumentative, or aggressive behaviour.

Sometimes anger can stay deep within the person, never surfacing, but instead slowly turning on themselves, and producing a feeling of personal despair or even depression. This can happen through choice, or because of the power situation you are working in. And, because it is often more socially acceptable for a man to show irritability and anger than a woman, this can be more of a problem for women. Many men find an outlet for such feelings through contact sports such as rugby or football, or through computer games, golf or squash.

Coping with your own anger

So, it is essential to do something about angry feelings. They can’t just be left to sort themselves out. But, contrary to much of the advice on this, it isn’t about expressing it whenever we feel it, or about hitting a punch bag. There is lots of evidence suggesting that, if you express your anger, it can grow and become even more damaging. It is an emotional response very similar to the ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response, and is fuelled by the ‘fight’ part of the equation. That’s why, when faced with a situation at work that makes you angry or frustrated, you might want to walk out and slam a door (flight), feel so angry you can’t move or speak (freeze), or feel like shouting, throwing or hitting something (fight). So, what do you do? Well, just like for a panic attack, the answer is to use relaxation to take the emotional response away.

But, before I explain more about that, there is so much you can do to prevent feelings of frustration and anger arising in the first place, and we’ve already covered these in earlier chapters. You can:

• use assertiveness techniques to deal with others, so that you are much less likely to feel angry or frustrated (Chapters 3, 4 and 5);
• avoid problematic situations arising through good communication skills (Chapter 6).
  

But, if you do find yourself feeling angry, here are some practical suggestions on how to deal with this emotion safely at the time, instead of bottling it all up or expressing it in unhelpful ways. Try these next time you feel angry:

• As soon as you feel you are becoming angry, use any relaxation or breathing technique we’ve covered and that works for you - this will help to diffuse the anger.
• As you feel anger coming on, challenge and question the angry thoughts you’re having (as we did in Chapter 2): What is the evidence for what you are thinking? Is there another explanation? Are you jumping to conclusions? Are you ignoring the positive? Ask yourself, Is it really worth getting angry about?
• If nothing works, make your excuses and leave the situation, then use relaxation until you feel calmer, or release the negative energy constructively by doing something physically demanding and useful like going for a run or a brisk walk.