Chapter five

Effortless ways to give the impression you want

Ancient meets modern

This chapter will explain more about how simple changes to body language can make you appear more confident when it counts. That all-important first impression really does matter. From a run-of-the-mill day at work, to a training day off-site, or that vital presentation or interview, or even asking for a raise. But, if you want to give the desired impression, not just at first, but always, you need an understanding of how our ancient body language heritage still has power over our every move.

This important subject was introduced in Chapter 3, when we looked at saying what you really want. We also started you off on how to ‘walk the walk and talk the talk’. In this chapter you’ll learn more quick and easy ways to look and sound confident, even if you don’t feel it. You’ll discover how simple changes in posture, eye contact, facial expressions, hand-shakes and greetings can transform the impression you’re giving, and give you a fantastic start in appearing confident. And when you look confident, not only do you feel more confident, but you’ll find that others react to you accordingly, and that adds still more to your confidence, and so on. Win, win!

Why body language matters

But I’m not a sad, depressed, miserable person. I guess sometimes I give off that impression.

Edward Furlong, American actor, b. 1977

There are various estimates, but most experts reckon that, when we meet someone new, we form something like 90 per cent of our impression of them within the first 60-90 seconds of seeing them. This is a skill all humans have. We don’t even need to think about it. It just happens. Even your first few sentences, as articulate and well thought out as they may or may not be, are likely to be overlooked in favour of the impression you are giving through how you are sounding, your accent, choice of words, what sort of greeting you’ve used, how much eye contact you make, and what you are wearing.

That’s one of the reasons it’s so hard to remember people’s names when we are first introduced to them, especially if there are two or three new people, or more. Our processing systems are too busy taking in how people look and sound, and what that might mean, and how we might appear to them, rather than establishing a clear memory of their names.

When you next meet with friends or colleagues, when you are introduced to a new person at work, or you’re standing in the supermarket queue, notice how you are forming impressions of people around you, without really being conscious of it. It’s something we all do. And we all do it far better than you might think. We’re all really good at it. We do this without thinking, usually oblivious to how other people’s body language is affecting us. We are just aware of the conclusions we are drawing from it.

So, you might feel you can’t trust a colleague, but can’t quite explain why. Or you can take an instant liking to a new team member, after a 10-minute meeting. This rather swift and superficial behaviour evolved in primitive times, with the main function of keeping us safe. Being a quick and accurate judge of people was an immensely important skill to have, before society formed with all its unwritten rules and police back-up. You never knew whether an approaching stranger, or friend for that matter, would attack you, or steal from you. So you had to be a good judge, and a quick one, for your own safety.

For most people, their impression with the sound on will not change greatly (unless the person’s voice is very different from what was expected). There are two reasons for this:

1. First impressions are hard to change.
2. Although this varies in different situations, most of the impression you have of someone comes from their body language and not the actual words they say.
   

I’ve no idea what they make of me. People don’t usually recognise themselves in an impression.

Rory Bremner, Scottish comedian and impressionist, b. 1961

How to change a first impression

We all know that first impressions can be terribly wrong. Almost everyone has had first-hand experience of this, by giving a first impression we regret. And this is very difficult to change. The best way to ‘undo’ a bad first impression is to create a better one in a range of other contexts. This helps to dilute the effect of a bad first impression much more effectively than making a huge effort wherever you were originally - work being a typical example. So, go to the team-building course, volunteer to collect for charity or abseil off a tall crane, attend hen or stag nights, and go along to the Christmas party. But take care to make the impression you want in all these other places, and ensure that those you want to impress will see you there. Showing photographs or putting them up on Facebook or other social media sites may well be quite effective, too. This has certainly changed my impression of quite a few people I know. An acquaintance I had always thought was quiet, with little to say, revealed herself to be witty and interesting when I read her popular posts on Facebook, which never failed to attract lots of attention.

Staying out of the loop

So, if lack of assertiveness and low self-confidence show through your body language before you’ve said a word, it’s well worth doing something about it. This gets you off to a bad start whenever you meet someone, or when you come into a room. It’s then a bit of a vicious circle. People react to your passive body language, you notice this, making you feel even less confident, which shows in your body language, and so on. But it’s really easy to do something about that. Changing body language is much easier to do than changing the words you use.

Handshakes

When you meet someone new, the first thing that often happens is a handshake. You may not think much about this, but the wrong kind of handshake can give a compelling impression and, if it’s not the impression you wanted to give, that impression can be hard to shift. But I’m not referring to any kind of group handshake. That’s outside the scope of this book.

Have you ever been given what is known as the ‘dead fish’ or ‘cold fish’ handshake? This is what it sounds like, cold and limp, sometimes a little damp, and hardly gripping or engaging with the other person’s hand at all. It feels unpleasant, and most people relate it to the person giving it having a weak character, or not showing respect. Those giving this kind of handshake are usually totally unaware that they are doing it.

The confident way to shake hands is to reach out your hand strongly and decisively towards the other person, your thumb pointing upwards, and your fingers all pointing straight towards the other person. You’re offering them your hand in a relaxed and comfortable gesture of friendliness and openness, using a movement that has developed over many years to demonstrate trust and welcome. When the other’s hand is offered, grasp it fairly firmly, but not so firmly as to be uncomfortable, then pump up and down two or three times, with a warm smile and good eye contact. Then, unhurriedly, break contact.

What to wear

O would some power the gift to give us to see ourselves as others see us.

Robert Burns, Scottish poet, 1759-1796

Have a look in the mirror or at recent photos or videos of yourself. Try to take a mental step backwards and look dispassionately at what you see. Look around at other professional people of a similar age and background. How are they looking? What are they wearing? Years can pass and we are still wearing the same style of clothes and the same hairstyle. Not deliberately, but just because they suited you, you liked them, or life was just too busy to even think about it. Are there any changes you would like to make? Weight, style, fitness, hair, clothes, whatever? Women are taken more seriously in clothes that don’t draw attention to their femininity. So, go for trousers or a skirt length on the knee or below, and choose lower heels and pale or pastel-coloured lipstick. A new, healthy, fit and more modern look and, if necessary, losing or gaining a few pounds, too, can make a huge difference to your confidence and self-esteem.

Eye contact

Feeling unsure of yourself has the effect of reducing your eye contact with other people. This makes others feel uncomfortable, and not quite sure what to make of you. It’s said that the eyes are the window to the soul, and that may be so, but the eyes are definitely how we really get to know someone, and make judgements about what makes them tick, how motivated and enthusiastic they are, and even whether we feel as they do or trust them.

Making good eye contact is clearly very important to the impression we make. So what should you do? What is ‘good eye contact’?

• If you make eye contact for around two-thirds of the time that’s usually about right for a social or workplace conversation. Women tend to use eye contact a little more than men do.
• Keeping eye contact for too long can seem disconcerting or negative. Similarly, if you look away too much, this can make you seem uninterested, or distracted.
• So, on a first meeting with someone, as a very rough guide, look for three to four seconds, then glance away for one to two seconds, then look back for another three to four seconds, and so on. It’s probably better to look more when you’re the listener, and look away more when you’re talking.
• When you break eye contact, do this in a slight downward direction, as this shows interest. Breaking contact upwards, or to the side, gives different impressions and looks odd. Try this out on a friend or in the mirror, and see!
• If there is a height difference, it’s always better to try to sit down somewhere, so that your eye level becomes closer to the other person. Or stand if others are seated. If you are a woman who would prefer to be taller, it can help to wear heels to compensate, but not so high that walking becomes awkward and defeats the purpose. Confident people are always perceived as being taller than they are, so just act and talk tall!
  

Your headlines

Aim to have your head upright and directly facing someone you’re talking to or, better still, slightly tilted to one side, as this shows interest and support for what’s being said. Tilting your head downwards slightly, but with eye contact can appear disapproving or dismissive. Tilted further down with little eye contact appears passive and withdrawn and is very off-putting to others. But nodding at appropriate moments and using facial expressions and eye contact, which reflect interest and understanding, are all good.

Joining the magic circle

With standing or walking meetings and ‘morning huddles’ becoming more common, you can find yourself standing in a group at work. If you’re having a conversation with one other person, don’t stand straight on to them, as this can seem overbearing. Standing at about a 90 degree angle (or right angle) to the other person is about right. Three people will usually stand in an equal-sided triangle, four in a square, and so on. We mostly do this entirely without thinking, and a group will open up and extend the shape to a pentagon, then a hexagon, as more people join the group. Have a look at people standing talking in the street or in a shop or night club, and you’ll see this in action. A group of women dancing in a circle is the natural progression of this.

Cultural differences

All that has been covered so far about body language applies to interactions involving people from the same cultural background in a western or industrialised-type society. When people from the same cultural or ethnic background interact with one another, they can very easily read the other’s body language, as they share that language. But each cultural background has its own specific body language. Even a simple gesture can have a quite different meaning.

So, if both you and the other person are from the same non-western background, your own particular set of rules will apply. But, if you have a meeting with someone from a different cultural background from your own, there will be differences, and these can be significant. So, best to check this out in advance. Even what you may believe to be universal may not be. Crucially, in business, a head shake or nod does not always indicate ‘no’ and ‘yes’. If there’s no time to explore these variations, observe their body language closely, especially eye contact, body space and handshakes, and try to reproduce these.

Take it slowly

If some of what you’ve been reading makes some kind of sense to you, don’t try to take too much on board all at once. Work on changing one thing at a time. You can always refer back to this book for more ideas, once you’ve mastered a few main changes. Which will these be? Where would you start? Make a note of these in your personal journal under now, soon and later.

Man needs his difficulties because they are necessary to enjoy success.

Abdul Kalam, former President of India, b. 1931