Chapter two

How to have a confident mindset

There are many normal patterns of thought and belief that can actually cause you to lack confidence in your own abilities. These everyday thoughts can relate to yourself, other people or life in general. This chapter will show you how to identify these thoughts, and stop them limiting your potential and creating self-doubt. This is easier than you may think, because these are commonplace thoughts, and how we think is not fixed and pre-set. Our thinking can be altered relatively easily. And, changing your thoughts is quite definitely within your control. I’ll explain more, beginning with tracking down any ‘unhelpful beliefs’ you might have.

Parallel universes

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

Bill Cosby, American actor, comedian and educator, b. 1937

These are many commonly held beliefs that are unhelpful and self-limiting because they are very fixed views. They can hold you back from achieving what you want in life, if you firmly believe them. Some are simply unhelpful, some are actually incorrect. Here are some very commonly held unhelpful beliefs about the world. Most people hold several of these. Do you believe any of these to be true?

1. I should be good at everything.
2. Life should be fair.
3. I need everyone to approve of what I do.
4. I shouldn’t make a mistake.
5. Everyone is more important than me.
6. I have to be perfect.
7. People will reject me if I fail.
   

Most of these beliefs develop in childhood, picked up from those around us: parents, teachers, peer group, society in general. It’s easy to see how holding any one of these beliefs very strongly can bring its own problems as you grow up. Believing you should never make a mistake and that you must have everyone’s approval is destined for failure, but many people strive to achieve these aims day in day out. Small wonder this may cause a lack of self-confidence. And these are very deeply held points of view and assumptions, which we don’t think of as ‘beliefs’. We just hold these to be truths about us and our world, a kind of parallel reality.

But if you think it through carefully, beliefs 1-7 are unlikely to be the truth. Here is a more likely version of each of these beliefs:

	Mistaken belief	Truth
1.	I should be good at everything.	No one is good at everything. We all have strengths and weaknesses.
2.	Life should be fair.	Almost always life will be unfair at some point in our lives.
3.	I need everyone to approve of what I do.	You will rarely, if ever, please everyone. And you don’t need to.
4.	I should never make a mistake.	Everyone makes mistakes. It’s normal human behaviour.
5.	Everyone is better than me.	Everyone is equal, with equal rights.
6.	I have to be perfect.	Absolutely no one is perfect. It’s just not possible.
7.	People will reject me if I fail.	Everyone fails sometimes. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

If you recognise that you hold one or more of these beliefs, then just having this new information and awareness can feel like one of those ‘light-bulb’ moments, when something suddenly clicks, and you see there’s another way of looking at it, another reality. Just like the picture of a vase that suddenly switches to a face. Or the old glass half empty or half full idea. And, as the new way of seeing the world usually feels much better, and gives you confidence instead of taking it away, then your life will have been changed instantly. You’ll have been teleported to an alternative parallel universe without moving a muscle.

In action

Flipping cube

Look at the cube below without looking away for up to 30 seconds or so. For most people it suddenly ‘flips’, and you seem to be looking at it in a different way. (If it doesn’t work for you, see Appendix 2 for a hint.)

Positive self-talk

Just as some beliefs and thoughts that go through your head can pull your confidence down, there are other ways of thinking that do the opposite; they can lift you up and make you feel that you matter, that you have much to offer. Here are some short and simple phrases, sometimes called affirmations, which confirm a new more positive and optimistic way of seeing the world. It doesn’t matter if you feel uncomfortable, or don’t fully believe them at first, the more you think them, or write them down and glimpse their truth, the stronger your allegiance to them will become:

• I am a worthwhile person.
• I am an OK person.
• My feelings are real and important.
• I have many useful skills.
• I believe in myself.
• I matter.
• I have choices.
• My opinions matter.
  

Why too many changes and new demands can erode confidence

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.

Charles Darwin, English naturalist, 1809-1882

Feeling a lack of confidence at work is often brought about by too much change and continually increasing demands, both of which are only too common in today’s workplace. As recently as a few decades ago, work roles were more consistent and changes, if any, were well flagged up and slowly introduced. You could leave school, train for a job and then do that job till you retired. That was the norm for many decades up until around the 1980s. Working was in many ways more settled and predictable, and having self-confidence was relatively easy. Then everything changed totally. Largely for economic and global reasons, jobs for life disappeared, as a flexible and adaptable workforce became more and more what was needed in the industrialised countries.

The current mercuric workplace scenario was fully established by the end of the twentieth century. Everything could change in the blink of an eye. You might have a new curriculum to put straight into place, a hurriedly restructured workplace to get your head around, or a new set of regulations or working practices to take on board, and a new word, ‘downsizing’, came into your vocabulary. Staff would leave, and their workload just had to be covered. It’s not surprising, then, to find that one of the major workplace stressors is frequent change, without time to properly assimilate it, and changing demands placed on you, without the time and resources to smooth these over. What this means is that those working today have had to learn skills of flexibility and adaptability fast, in order to survive in the workplace. Your grandparents never needed these. The settled, predictable working day experienced by almost every previous working generation has all but disappeared.

We’re all in it together

So, even though your colleagues may appear to be taking changing demands in their stride, everyone is actually in the same boat. Some are finding it easier than others mainly because of their personality and skill set or being more geographically mobile. Some people naturally find change and the stress it causes easier to cope with than others. Some skills are more transferable than others, making changing demands very much easier to take on seamlessly. Training in accountancy, project management or graphic design, for example, is much more transferable and adaptable than, say, dentistry or speech therapy. Being able to risk a change of job or a move elsewhere can be extremely difficult for many, particularly if they have caring responsibilities or are the sole breadwinner and would rather not take risks with their income. So, you can find yourself unable to move to a less demanding job and left with no option but to face increasing change and demands.

How the bigger picture can change your outlook on life

I change my thoughts, I change my world.

The Power of Positive Thinking (written in 1952 and still a bestseller), 1898-1993

Our grandparents and their parents, and all the way back to the Industrial Revolution over two centuries ago, didn’t have to think in terms of change and increasing demands at all, so you’ve probably not had a role model for the mindset we all need today. Nobody has. As touched on already, jobs were pretty much for life, pre-1980. There was no real need for flexibility or adaptability. Before the Second World War, generation after generation of the same family worked at the same jobs, doing what their father or mother did, in the mines, cotton mills and other factories, in domestic service, agriculture, teaching or in heavy engineering. Hours were long and work was hard. Even if you had your own business, poverty and unemployment was such that your children would gladly follow in your footsteps, with company names such as ‘Jones and Sons, Solicitors’ commonplace. So, even as a growing child, you knew what your job was going to be as an adult, and it would be till you retired. For many this represented huge security, as the alternative may have been starvation and the workhouse. But, for others, knowing they had no choice but to spend their lives down a mine or in a menial job in a factory, must have been hugely dispiriting.

I mention all of this because, when you lack self-confidence at work, it helps to see your current employment situation in its long-term context and the product of external forces beyond your control and not just the outcome of your line manager’s whims or your own shortcomings. It can help if you can see the bigger picture. Just like the wasp on your window trying desperately to find its way out, unaware that the opening, fresh air and freedom are but a few inches away. It helps because you can see that everyone around you has also found themselves in this situation through no choice of their own, and that most people lack confidence in their ability to cope, even though they are not saying so. But, there is so much you can do to make coping that much easier and, unlike the wasp, find the open window without a frenzied struggle.

Here are some key tips on how to approach the changing demands we all face today:

1. Begin to think ahead of the game and outside the box. This may seem like just another burden and so much more jargon, especially with everything else that is on your ‘to do’ list. But, if you take this on little by little, it will become a way of life and will not impact particularly on your to do list.
2. Remember everyone is in the same boat, so it’s not just you. We are now living in changing times and uncharted waters. So share your experiences with others you can trust, colleagues or those outside your work circle. Approach someone who seems quite similar to you, and copes well, and ask about their strategy. Or ask them to mentor you informally. It’s becoming quite common for two people to organise reciprocal mentoring with each providing support to the other for a skill they have, so that there’s more of a feeling of equality and reciprocity.
3. Don’t forget how the worldwide economic system contributes to your lack of confidence. So, transfer some of the energy you’re currently expending blaming yourself into understanding and managing the repercussions of this more effectively.
4. Help yourself to more confidence. The skills in this book will support you through changing demands, particularly:
   • how you can create the right mindset (this chapter);
   • recognising and building on your strengths (Chapter 1);
   • reinforcing your resilience to adversity (Chapter 7);
   • relaxing regularly, both mind and body (‘Chill time’ in every chapter);
   • ways to reach your goals and stay motivated (Chapter 8);
   • career-long confidence builders (‘In the zone’ in every chapter).
     

Must you?

There is a monologue going on in our heads every day: ‘This traffic is worse than usual’, ‘What will I cook for dinner tonight?’, ‘Bill wants a response by today’. But this inner voice of ours can sometimes include unhelpful words such as ‘ought’, ‘should’ or ‘must’. Here are some examples to think about:

• I must phone Harry today.
• I must get that e-mail done today.
• I ought to learn more about that.
• I should have made a better job of that.
  

If you think about each of these inner thoughts, they are the result of self-imposed expectations and overly strict personal rules - and they are coming from yourself. Somewhere in your past, these will have been established in your mind, probably as a result of your interactions with someone else: a parent, teacher or a friend? But it’s only you keeping them going now.

It’s interesting for you to challenge these now by asking yourself questions such as, ‘Why?’ and ‘Who says’? Naturally, if ‘Who says?’ is your line manager, that’s a different story, but, that apart, this will help you to let these unhelpful personal rules go and adapt your thoughts to something more positive.

Unhelpful	Questions to ask?	Helpful
I must phone Harry today.	Why? Who says?	I’d like to phone Harry today if I can.
I must get that e-mail done today.		It would be good if I can get that e-mail done today, but tomorrow would do.
I ought to learn more about that.		I’d like to learn more about that, if I can.
I should have made a better job of that.		I’d rather have done that better.

More unhelpful thinking habits

Most of us are not aware of it, but how our thinking developed as we grew up can be responsible for current difficulties. This section will introduce you to some of the most common thinking habits that can contribute to problems such as anxiety, stress or low self-confidence. For any particular situation, they cause us to ignore more positive, more likely, explanations in favour of negative explanations that are actually much less likely.

Have a look over these common thinking habits. Do any of these apply to you? Some of them are fairly close in meaning, so you may find a degree of overlap and crossover amongst them.

Creating your own flashbulb moments

For many people, just becoming aware of their unhelpful thinking habits, along with their negative effects, can establish long-lasting change - the ‘flashbulb moment’. But, for others, it can take more than that. There is a very effective technique you can try that can substantially reduce the negative impact of these ways of thinking about the world.

So, if you have identified with any of the ‘unhelpful’ thoughts or beliefs in this chapter, but are finding it difficult to ‘switch’ to a more positive view, here is what you can do. For each of your unhelpful beliefs ask yourself the following seven questions - think them through, and answer them honestly. Use your personal journal to write your answers and other comments, or just think your way through this process.

1. What is the evidence to support this belief? Have my life experiences provided any evidence for it?
2. Who says it’s true? Is it written down somewhere that this is true?
3. What effect does this belief have on my peace of mind, health and well-being?
4. Did I choose this belief for myself, or was it an outcome of my childhood experiences?
5. What would I tell a friend who believed this?
6. What would be a more realistic and positive belief?
7. Is there evidence supporting the alternative belief in the previous question?
   

Mindfulness boosts confidence

A skill that can make a life of change and constant demands easier to deal with is ‘mindfulness’. This is one of those topics that has come on to the scene in a big way in a short space of time. And rightly so, because, for such a simple process, it has surprisingly powerful and far-reaching effects. It can create inner calm, harmony and a sense of empowerment, and so enhance confidence across the board.

But, in reality, mindfulness is not a new skill, but a very old one, which people across the world have used for hundreds of years when they wanted to feel more centred and at ease. What’s made the difference is that just in the last 20 years or so, researchers have been able to confirm that using mindfulness regularly can reduce tension, stress and anxiety and produce more calm. So what is this amazing technique?

Mindfulness can change your world

Using mindfulness to promote well-being and calm was first studied by Dr John Kabat-Zinn, emeritus Professor of Medicine at the University of Massachusetts, who began his work on the subject over 30 years ago. Mindfulness is not a complex technique nor is it attached to a belief system. In fact, it couldn’t be simpler, it’s simply a way of being. Yes, that sounds a bit out there, but it’s not really. In fact, it couldn’t be less so.

Our days are often spent ruminating in our heads about what happened last night, yesterday, or last month, or thinking ahead about what’s next in our schedule today or targets not to miss tomorrow. So much so, that we can rarely spend time experiencing now.

Being mindful brings your mind from the past or from the future into the here and now, into this moment. And you absorb the detail of that moment. So, you’re being mindful as you watch waves quietly lap up the shore onto the beach, listening to the sound and thinking of nothing else. Sitting quietly watching the countryside drift past on a long train journey is being mindful.

How people benefit from mindfulness

• Lateefa says: ‘The phrase “get into the here and now” was so easy to follow, like a signpost. Without effort, and before I knew what had happened, I could do it. Here I was in the here and now, feeling as if I’d come to a sudden halt and was able to see clearly around myself for the first time in months.’
• Daniel says: ‘It was as if I had at last taken my foot off the accelerator pedal and my mind was no longer filled with the daily hurly burly. It was so much easier to plan, make decisions, find solutions and come up with new ideas.’
• Ben says: ‘I realised I had been spending too much of my time with my head in the future, but rarely in the here and now. What did I have to get done today and how I was going to manage it? What about that deadline? That meeting later? And that conference call? I feel so much better after spending just a minute in the here and now, slowly focusing on the world around me.’
  

Easy ways to use mindfulness

Mindfulness is a way of being and a way of life that can provide a simple escape from endless hustle and bustle. It’s often just described as coming into the ‘here and now’. Even being mindful for just a minute several times each day has a marked calming effect on the mind and body, building resilience to stress or depression, and simplifying everything that your day expects of you. Here are a few ideas to get you started. Try these when there’s a spare minute. Spend longer if you can. When you’re waiting for something or someone is an ideal time, or on public transport, in a queue, or walking along a corridor at work.

The surprising power of visualisation

Research confirms that visualisation is another remarkably effective, yet really simple, way to increase confidence and improve how you perform in any situation. All you do is see yourself in your mind’s eye going through the situation you want to deal with more confidently. Make this image as clear as you can and, over a few minutes, go through it frame by frame, coping successfully and managing any difficulties that might come up. It may sound a bit bizarre, but it is simple, easy to do and it works.

Dealing with a situation in your mind in advance seems to take the sting out of the nerves and anxiety you feel beforehand, and makes it all very familiar when the day arrives. Your brain isn’t good at distinguishing between what happens in your imagination and the real thing. Think of dreaming. Or imagine now that you’re chewing a slice of lemon … you might find saliva appears in your mouth. So, if you’ve been visualising a situation, it’s as if you’ve ‘been there and done that’ many times already, but in a controlled and relaxed way, and these associations then transfer to the real thing for you. Here’s what to do.

There are four key things to remember when visualising:

1. You’ll be creating a film or video in your mind’s eye of the situation in which you want to feel more confident. Make this as clear as you can manage and go through it frame by frame, taking a few minutes (up to 15 or so at most).
2. When visualising, create as much detail as you can: colours, sights, sounds, smells, movement, speech and so on.
3. Before you begin visualising, unwind and relax for at least a couple of minutes. If needed, you’ll find ways to do this in every chapter (Chill time). If you feel any stress or anxiety coming on as you visualise, press your mental pause button briefly and use relaxation until the anxiety falls. Then press ‘play’ and continue with the visualisation.
4. Visualise like this once or twice a day in the days before an event or situation you’re not approaching with confidence.
   

What to do in a visualisation session:

1. Relax your whole body and mind for around two minutes.
2. Now, close your eyes and visualise the event you want to work on, as clearly and in as much detail as you can. See yourself and others, hear what’s going on, walk around if it makes it seem more real for you, or speak the words you say out loud. Hear what is said to you. Experience everything that happens as clearly as you can. See yourself cope with whatever might realistically go wrong on the day. Just the ordinary everyday things, which happen all the time.
3. Spend about 10-15 minutes on this in total.
4. When finished, count yourself back up to normal functioning … 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, fully alert.