It’s not clever you know, having a go at someone. Not just because it isn’t nice, but because whatever it is you want, it sets your cause back considerably. Which isn’t smart.

Some people just thrive on conflict. Any excuse and they’re flinging insults and pushing people to give in to them. I know it isn’t always easy, especially if it’s what you’ve grown up with, but there are other ways to handle tricky situations. If you look for conflict you can always find it. But if you seek to avoid it, it’s almost never necessary.

The whole thing with conflict – pretty much what defines it – is that you set yourself up in opposition to the other person. It becomes a battle where one person will ultimately win (you, you hope) and the other will lose. But of course no one wants to be the one who loses, so whoever is on the side that’s losing will keep battling rather than admit defeat. And so it goes on.

Far better to address the problem in a way that doesn’t have two sides to start with. Present yourself as being on the same side as the other person, both jointly trying to deal with the issue, whatever it is.

So when you see a problem looming in which you need someone else to change their position, don’t set up a conflict in the first place. Find a way to deal with it assertively, but not aggressively, so that together you can find a way through. It can come down to no more than the choice of words you use.

Suppose someone in your house keeps loading the dishwasher badly and half the dishes are still dirty at the end of the wash. Very irritating. You could say, ‘You keep putting the dishes in the wrong places and too close together and it’s really annoying me’. Or you could say, ‘Half of the pots in the dishwasher are still dirty again. I wonder what we can do about it?’ Now imagine being on the receiving end of those two alternatives. The first would probably make you defensive, and quite possibly start a row. The second would make you think that perhaps there is a better way to do something. See? Much smarter.

Sometimes other people come at you with a challenging remark almost guaranteed – maybe even designed – to provoke conflict: ‘We should throw out the dishwasher and go back to washing up by hand. Then you couldn’t keep telling me I’ve stacked it wrong.’ The smartest response here, rather than rise to the argument, is simply not to react at all. If they actually start wrangling the dishwasher out of the house you can intervene, but almost certainly the comment wasn’t serious and was only intended to create conflict. They won’t really follow it through.

Now just one thing. Don’t go too far the other way, will you? If you’re scared of conflict you’ll sidestep issues which need to be addressed, and that’s not good. I’m not asking you to avoid difficult situations. Just to find another way of dealing with them.