CHILDREN AND GRIEF
Obviously, funeral directors are often in an excellent position to offer guidance and support to both parents and children during times of death and grief. You have the opportunity to provide compassionate care to bereaved families while embracing the reality that children are frequently the “forgotten mourners.”
We now realize that the capacity to grieve does not focus only on one’s ability to “understand,” but instead upon one’s ability to “feel.” Any child, regardless of chronological age, that is capable of loving is capable of grieving. While the very young child may not have the ability to comprehend the total meaning of death, primarily because of inability to sense time and space, this inability makes the child’s response to acute loss potentially more profound.
Reconciliation to the death of someone loved is typically even more complex for children than for adults. Outward expressions of mourning are not always easily observed in children. Observers expecting to see grief expressed in children in the same way adults mourn unfortunately may assume that children are not influenced by the death. Experience suggests that children usually express grief through behavior as opposed to specific words they might say. Careful observations of behavior will provide cues that illustrate the need for ongoing support, understanding, and guidance.
Among other helping roles, funeral directors can
1. encourage families to include children in the events surrounding death;
2. educate parents regarding typical ways in which children express grief;
3. create an open atmosphere that encourages children to ask questions about death, dying, and grief;
4. develop a caregiving relationship with children that informs them of the funeral director’s individual emotional availability to them; and
5. model for children the reality that grief is a privilege that results from the capacity to give and receive love.
Experiences with loss and grief are an integral part of the natural development and growth of the child and the family. The funeral director’s willingness and capacity to “be with” the family during times of grief can be difficult, time-consuming, and emotionally draining; however, this time also can be among the most rewarding of caregiving opportunities.
DEVELOPMENTAL CONCEPTS OF DEATH
Like all areas of development, children’s capacity to understand death grows and expands as children mature. To this date, in a number of studies tremendous variability has been found regarding the specific age at which a mature understanding of death is achieved (Anthony, 1971; Furman, 1974; Nagy, 1948). This variability appears to be affected by personality factors, sociocultural factors, nature of the death, and probably a multitude of other factors that are unidentified at this time. As a result, caregivers must keep in mind that each child is an individual shaped by experiences of life.
For our current purposes, let us recognize that a number of investigators have attempted to outline various age-level classifications at which specific ideas related to death occur. Outcomes from the investigations lack total agreement on specifics associated with death as determined by the age of the child. However, all investigators do agree that associations move from no understanding toward specifics, which is a developmental concept. Therefore, chronological age is one way of making some attempt to classify what might be expected in terms of understanding death.
In summary, children do appear to proceed from little or no understanding of death to recognition of the concept in realistic form. While most often levels of understanding are listed in chronological order, the individual child may well deviate from the specific age range and particular behavior associated with that age. All of us as careproviders have had the experience of working with some eight-year-olds who are more mature than some sixteen-year-olds with whom we have worked.
While evidence does appear for the age-level understanding of children’s concepts of death, one needs to keep in mind that development involves much more than simply growing older. Environmental support, behavior, attitudes, responsiveness of adults, self-concept, intelligence, previous experiences with death, and a number of other factors have an important role in the individual child’s understanding of death.
DIMENSIONS OF RESPONSE TO DEATH
To provide a detailed overview of this area would require that I go beyond the scope of this text. However, for a detailed review of this author’s perceptions of children’s emotional responses to death, the reader is referred to my text, Helping Children Cope With Grief (Wolfelt, 1983). In Figure 21.1 is provided a brief outline of typical responses caregivers are likely to observe in children who are mourning.
Experience suggests that the funeral is a significant occasion in the life of the entire family. Since the funeral is a significant event, children should have the same opportunity to attend as any other member of the family.
Figure 21.1. Dimensions of childhood grief.
Yes, children should be “allowed” to attend, but never forced. Children can often sense whether adults around them will be able to make the experience a meaningful and comfortable experience and on that basis make a decision to attend or not attend. By encouraging children to be a part of the group sharing of a common loss, we as adults help them acknowledge the reality and finality of death.
An area of discussion that funeral directors can help remind parents to talk about with children is the “why” of going to the funeral. Adults sometimes talk about going to funerals, but fail to talk about why they are going. Encourage parents to explain the purpose of a funeral: as a time to honor the person who has died; as a time to help, comfort, and support each other; and as a time to affirm that life continues.
Children’s first visit to a funeral home is often best experienced with only a few people who are especially close. This allows children to react and express feelings freely and to talk about any concerns they might have. Children should be encouraged to ask questions and provided opportunities to do so prior to, during, and after the funeral.
Viewing the body of someone loved also can be a positive experience. Adults would do well to remember that children have no innate fears about the dead body. Seeing the body provides an opportunity to say “good-bye” and helps prevent fears that are often much worse than reality. As with attending the funeral, however, seeing the body should not be forced. While children, particularly young children, may not completely understand the ceremony surrounding death, being involved in the funeral helps establish a sense of comfort and the understanding that life goes on even though someone loved has died.
Many families turn to funeral directors for help in this area. While no simple guidelines exist that make this an easy task, the key, as with most experiences in life, appears to be honesty.
Adults can only share with children those concepts they truly believe. You can help parents understand that children need not understand and grasp the total religious philosophy of the adult world. Any religious explanations about death are best described in concrete, practical terms; children have difficulty understanding abstractions. The theological correctness of the information is less important at this time than the fact that the adult is communicating in a loving way. Help parents understand that one need not feel guilty or ashamed if “God” and “Heaven” cannot be explained with exact definitions. Many occurrences in life can be enriched by approaching them with mystery and awe.
CHILDREN, THE FAMILY, AND MOURNING
Experience suggests that the significant adults in children’s lives are the most important factor in allowing and encouraging children to mourn. Children’s ability to share their grief outside of themselves depends on the capacity of significant adults expressing their own grief and conveying to children that they too can express a full spectrum of feelings. The sharing of grief between parents and children assists the family in recognizing both the uniqueness and commonality of their experience. This means that the children can learn that Mom and Dad will be sad at times, but that this feeling is normal and not a rejection of the children.
When children experience those times in life when their parents are sad, or hurt, or lonely, or whatever the feeling may be, and also realize that as children they are not responsible for these feelings, the result is that children learn to express freely their own wide range of feelings following loss. Funeral directors are often a vital link in helping families understand the importance of modeling the open expression of feelings. As emphasized as a theme throughout this chapter, pain is healed through the outward expression of mourning. Should significant adults surrounding children fail to share their own loss-related thoughts and feelings, chances are that the children will grieve in isolation while failing to mourn outside of themselves.
OPEN FAMILIES VERSUS CLOSED FAMILIES
In referring to the “open-system family” I mean those families that permit and encourage the open and honest self-expression of its members. In such a family children are accepted as integral parts of the family and capable of understanding at their own level of development. Children are not seen as little and as a result bad. In such a family, differences in terms of the meaning of the death are viewed as natural and are able to be discussed. In an “open-system family” children can participate in decision making, accept any and all feelings of grief, and say what they think and feel in that grief is viewed as an opportunity for growth.
Conversely in a “closed-system family” children are often encouraged to repress, deny, and hide their grief. The primary rule is that everyone in the family is supposed to think and feel the same way, and as a result, no need exists to talk about thoughts and feelings. In such a family, expression of grief is often impossible, and if it does occur, the expression is viewed as being abnormal or “sick.” Children in this kind of family often carry their grief around with them for years and express it in various sorts of emotional and behavioral disturbances.
In summary, caring adults need to communciate to children that feelings of grief are not something to be ashamed of or something to hide. Instead, grief is a natural expression of love for the person who died.
As caring adults, the challenge is clear: children do not choose between grieving and not grieving; adults, on the other hand, do have a choice—to help or not to help children cope with grief. With love, understanding, and knowledge of helping skills, we as adult caregivers can guide children through this vulnerable time and help make the experience a valuable part of children’s personal growth and development.
Working in funeral service provides you with a real opportunity to help both adults and children who experience grief and need to mourn. We know that those first few days following a death are critical to the long-term renewal of meaning and purpose in the lives of survivors. Funeral home staffs have a responsibility to not only learn the “mechanics” of sound funeral service practice, but also to learn the “art” of interpersonally helping people who are in grief. Hopefully, this chapter will help you continue to enhance your capacity to “be with” people during one of life’s most difficult times.
Anthony. S. (1971). The discovery of death in childhood and after. London: Allan Lan, Penguin.
Furman. E. (1974). A child’s parent dies. New Haven: Yale University Press.
Nagy. M. (1948). The child’s theories concerning death. Journal of Genetic Psychology, 73: pp 3-27.
Wolfelt. A. (1983). Helping children cope with grief. Muncie, IN: Accelerated Development.
After reading Part IV you should be able to (1) dispel five common myths about grief, (2) outline ten factors that influence the unique response of the mourner, (3) provide an overview of common dimensions of grief, (4) understand five common patterns through which people avoid the “work of mourning,” and (5) be able to discuss important concepts regarding children and grief.