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CHAPTER 3


WHY WE SHOULD ASK

A friend is someone who will help you move.
A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.
Unknown

No wonder we don’t ask for help! We lack instruction, models, awareness, and even permission to ask. Our fears conspire to distract and confuse us, sometimes keeping us from fulfilling even basic needs. These same obstructions also keep us blind to forgotten rewards, benefits, and blessings that come when we ignore the fear and embrace help. The moment we decide to make a mayday call, we set into motion a creative energy that brings us into the realm of possibilities. Something new is brought into reality.

Sending out a mayday call, often the last step you want to take, is just as often the very first one you should consider. Nowhere is it written that you have to solve all of your problems by yourself. Do not buy into the lies told by the riptide fears of surrender, separation, and shame. The truth is that you are truly worthy of your requests for aid. You are cared for, you are not alone, and you are blessed. These are wonderful gifts in and of themselves. When we ask for help, even more wonderful things can happen. What follows are seven priceless gifts of love, flow, and simplicity that can be yours—if you only ask.

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Asking for Help = Help

The dishes get done, the report gets proofed, the client gets picked up at the airport, and you get to bed at a decent hour. Imagine what your days would be like if you got the help you needed! Your daily to-do list would not appear so daunting and you might actually fit it all in and still have time to spare.

A Biblical passage reads, “Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be opened to you. For every one that asks will receive; and he that seeks shall find; and to him that knocks it shall be opened” (Matthew 7:7–8). I’m no theologian, but I’m pretty certain Christ wasn’t advising us to keep quiet and deny our needs. He was trying to teach us to actively reach for all that is possible. The essential requirement here is to be involved. Before help arrives, we have to actively ask, seek, or knock.

Lives can be saved if we do our part and send out the mayday signal. Consider the submariners aboard the Kursk, the Russian submarine that foundered in August of 2000. During the days that followed her very real mayday cry, the world was forced to wait in anguish while the Russian Navy refused to ask for the help it needed to save the men aboard. A few days after the disaster, there was one particular heart-wrenching moment when Emma Yevdokimova demanded of President Putin: “Why didn’t they ask for foreign help?” Emma is the mother of Oleg, one of the 118 submariners who died. Most salvage experts agree that the deaths of many of these men could have been avoided had the Russian Navy simply asked.

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Thankfully, most of our needs are not so dire. Mostly, we need help with changing the oil, shoveling the walk, balancing accounts, even caring for the ill. Everything is possible, but only if we ask can it become probable.

Asking for Help = More Energy, Less Exhaustion

Most of us are tired. There never seems to be enough time to accomplish everything on the to-do list. The demands of family, friends, and work never seem to go away and they often conflict. For many of us, it’s a tangled mess. This isn’t anything new to you, I’m sure. Asking for a hand is one way to untangle the knots and give ourselves a chance to rest and recover.

Years ago I received an interesting call from a potential client. Barely able to hear him on the phone—his voice was so weak—I soon learned that John was dangerously ill. A senior vice president in a large multinational technology firm, John was calling from a hotel in New York, even though he was really based in California. He confessed that he was suffering with his third bout of pneumonia in seven months. Justifiably worried, his boss in London had insisted that John head to the nearest hospital. Instead, John asked the hotel staff to call a doctor, whose remedy was “either stay in bed in this hotel for the next four weeks, or I will have you taken to the hospital for recovery.” John had chosen the hotel room.

His life was a mess. Living alone, thousands of miles away from his normal support system of family and friends, John forced himself to do too much. Work was relentless and his travel in so many time zones didn’t help matters. John was physically exhausted, so much so that his body was unable to fend off hazardous viruses for months on end.

As a coach in high-pressure business environments, I see this tale play out all too often. There’s plenty of help to be had. But people don’t see it because they’ve fallen for the lies told by their fears of surrender, shame, and separation.

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Many convince themselves that they just need to work longer hours or be better organized. “Insanity is the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed,” said Oliver Wendell Holmes. No kidding! When we are overstressed, logic eludes us. Our decisions become mistakes. Our judgment is suspect. Doing more and doing it longer aren’t the answer. Requesting help is often the only way to avoid exhaustion and retain our health.

We don’t do ourselves any favors when we insist on doing it all ourselves. We can limit the opportunities for others to contribute. Our energy gets spent unwisely and we exhaust ourselves by simply doing too much. Taking the longer view, asking for help, allowing others to give of themselves, can save us time and energy.

Asking for help is, as you can imagine, what John and I spent much of our time discussing. Shortly after regaining his health, John was able to restructure his life and begin again—with the help of his employer and co-workers.

Asking for Help = Flow

When it comes to sending out a mayday cry, sometimes we too have to sit back, relax, and let go. When we do, we return to the flow of life. It is our overrated desire for control that keeps us from living life as it was meant to be.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a psychology professor from the University of Chicago and author of Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience has defined flow as “being completely involved in an activity for its own sake. The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved, and you’re using your skills to the utmost.”

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Athletes recognize this experience of flow as “being in the zone.” Musicians refer to it as “being in the groove.” Those with a strong spiritual perspective interpret flow as a time when they act from spirit rather than ego. Whatever we call it, being in the flow is an undeniable experience of effortlessness and joy.

Being in the flow is actually easy. Being out of the flow is what’s hard. Often our own denial and rejection of our imperfections pull us from flow, and it is at these times that the ego is fully involved—the exact opposite of Csikszentmihalyi’s vision. Time does not fly. Actions, movements, or thoughts do not follow the previous ones. Life gets difficult and we get tired.

Not surprisingly, the metaphor of a river is often used to explain flow. In the flow of life, we float happily and safely with the water. However, when we need help, we find ourselves sitting on the riverbank watching the water rush by.

When I fought against asking my parents to care for me immediately after my surgery, I removed myself from the flow of life. For an entire week, I would be unable to do for myself. Life had presented me with an opportunity to grow, to learn, and to deepen my relationship with my parents. Ego-bound, I resisted this chance and chose instead to rely on someone else—which didn’t quite work out. In trying to control the situation, I pulled myself from the river of life. I didn’t return to it again until I finally let go in the middle of the night in a darkened hospital room.

Flow, being in the zone or the groove, requires us to ride along with, not fight, life. Trying too hard to control any situation or person immediately removes us from the flow. Resisting asking for help, believing that you can handle everything yourself, and striving for control are futile acts. Oftentimes, broadcasting a mayday call is what will return you to this place of effortlessness and joy.

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Asking for Help = Happiness for Others

Maria was a new vice president leading a team of experienced managers and staff. She admitted to me that she was intimidated by their know-how and familiarity with their customers. Maria thought she would have to pull them into line, or they would take advantage of her inexperience. She asked, “Isn’t it my job to lead them and tell them what to do?” In reply, I asked, “Wouldn’t you rather capitalize on what they know?” I suggested that she might acknowledge the truth of her inexperience instead of resisting it, and then ask for her team’s help. “Ask them to talk about their secret skills, special areas of expertise that they could bring to the project.”

Maria did just that. Six weeks later, Tyree, her most senior manager, came to her saying, “This is the best project I’ve been on in a long while. We all feel as though we are helping make this work.”

Tyree and his co-workers were thrilled to add to the success of the project. They felt as though their individual, unique gifts were being used to their utmost. They got to practice skills that had been hidden from others and they were able to show what they could do—beyond their traditional roles.

We all have exceptional gifts, talents, and abilities. Being asked to contribute gives us a chance to display these capabilities. It becomes an opportunity for us to demonstrate our inner strengths, and even perhaps, to fulfill our life purpose.

Any time you send out a mayday signal, you actually offer a gift to your helpmate: a chance to be happy.

Practicing Asking For Help = Proficiency

Baseball players spend a lot of time practicing in the batting cage. Dancers spend hours each week rehearsing. Parents-to- be practice breathing techniques over and over again. Practice doesn’t always make perfect, but it sure does make some things easier.

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Our comfort in any task or skill increases as we become more proficient. The same holds for requests for help. With enough effort, we might even get good at it.

The acquisition of a new skill is rarely easy, and as you learn how to ask for help, expect to experience frustration and impatience with yourself. Initial efforts may be clumsy or awkward. If you persevere, remaining deliberate in your requests for help, you can achieve a level of comfort. You might even become so proficient that you can teach the skill to others.

Asking for Help = Personal Growth

Ebeneezer Scrooge, the infamous curmudgeon of Charles Dickens’ imagination, learned the hard way how wonderful it is to give generously. In the course of 100 pages, his character is forced to mature and grow. His spiritual challenges opened his heart and his wallet. By the end of the book, he is a changed man. For most of us, learning to be generous is not nearly as hard as learning how to ask for help when we need it.

By its very nature, asking for that leg up is a test that is more deeply personal. It requires that we face fears that elicit our most profound memories of being lost or rejected, being controlled, and being humiliated. The challenge is to make a deliberate choice to move beyond these haunting memories.

Kieran was a bear of a boss. Possessing a wicked wit, he enjoyed the intellectual challenge of argument a bit too much. His favorite strategy was to intimidate his opponents with his clever humor and brilliant use of logic. I knew none of this when I first met him at a social event. As a point of conversation, I suggested that he consider hiring a coach. He did decide to hire me—albeit eighteen months later. Seriously unhappy, he asked me to help him.

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I agreed, and suggested that he involve his team, too. Kieran resisted, concerned that the response might not be positive. After a few months, he relented and decided it was time to ask for their help. He went to each person and asked for feedback on his performance as a leader. This was humbling for Kieran. It brought up fears of surrender and shame. Inside, he knew he wasn’t the best leader for these men and women.

The feedback from his co-workers was brutal but—just like Scrooge’s ghosts—they elicited change. He soon realized that his love of argument separated him from the very people who were supposed to help him succeed: his team. Kieran made a dramatic turnaround simply by becoming an advocate of help, for himself and his direct reports. As painful as this was for him, he did grow—and all because he finally asked for help.

We spontaneously evolve when we send out a mayday call. The change starts the moment we decide to ask—well before we actually use words to express our need.

Asking for Help = Transformed Relationships

Perhaps the most overlooked benefit that comes from asking for help is that it transforms our relationships. Kieran’s relationships with his co-workers shifted substantially because he asked. Remember James? As soon as he requested time off, his relationship with his boss shifted—for the better. And Gillian? Her acquaintance with a neighbor quickly grew into a priceless friendship.

What is it about asking for help that transforms the superficial to the profound? Two ingredients are required to create this alchemy within our relationships: vulnerability and empathy.

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Anytime we ask for help, we display a degree of openness that is both revealing and inviting. In effect, we say to our potential helpmate, “I confess to you that I need something from you. I admit to us both that I cannot do this alone.” We acknowledge our humanity: imperfections and all. A deliberate willingness to remain open and vulnerable silences our egos. Vulnerability reigns in our pride and makes room in our hearts for a new level of connection or intimacy.

Friendships begin, existing ones can deepen, and romances can blossom when each party opens up and reveals themselves. That’s exactly what happened in James’s and Gillian’s stories. Both confessed an inability to fulfill a need and in doing so they unconsciously invited in the energy and creativity of their helpmates.

Vulnerability engenders empathy in the hearts of our helpers. According to Webster’s New World Dictionary, empathy is “an ability to share in another’s emotions, thoughts or feelings.” With empathy, we virtually experience another person’s anguish. It propels us to listen closely, to feel for his or her predicament. Together, the combination of your vulnerability and your helpmate’s empathy create a space for new conversations and, ultimately, a new future.

Some of the transformations that take place in our relationships are disappointing and even difficult. I’ve already admitted that I lost one romance over the help I needed. As hard as that was, it was exactly what needed to happen. The relationship had gone on too long and had stopped growing. It was time to end it and my request served as the catalyst. The experience became a lesson not just for me, but for my friend as well. Years later, we reconnected and had a chance to talk through what had happened. Apologies all around. Now our friendship is even stronger than before. Even if we had not reconnected, I do not regret what happened.

Like me, your own requests for help might reveal what you’ve worked hard to keep hidden in your relationships. You may come to realize that the people in your life are the wrong ones. You may recognize that the friends and family you’d like to count on have needs greater than your own. You may see that help comes from surprising sources and that perhaps, just perhaps, these new sources could become new friends.

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Sending out a mayday request has the potential to create of life of flow, simplicity, and rest. With practice, it can become easier. Our mayday cries reveal what we have kept hidden and, in the process, create a new future for our relationships with all those we come in contact with.

TRY THIS THE BENEFITS YOU’VE EXPERIENCED

Most people have asked for help in the past at some point in their lives.

How has asking for help changed your life—for the better?

• How has asking for help allowed you to fulfill a need or achieve a goal?
• How has asking for help allowed you to find balance or a bit more energy?
• How has asking for help returned you to the flow? How has it enabled you to find your groove again?
• How has asking for help made other people happy?
• How has asking for help stretched you and shown you what you are capable of?
• How has asking for help transformed your relationships? How has it changed your personal relationships? How has it affected your professional relationships?