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CHAPTER 4


ANCHORING YOURSELF

Great necessities call out great virtues.
Abigail Adams

Amy loved her father dearly. Aron had always been her greatest supporter, cheering her on when she ran for class president and comforting her after her divorce. He had been both mother and father to her ever since Amy’s mother passed away decades before. And now, Amy had the chance to repay him (as if that’s even possible) for all his kindness, generosity, and love. Aron had Alzheimer’s disease and Amy was his caregiver.

At first it had been painful to watch the man she most admired disappear into the illness. She secretly wept when she had to remind him what spackle was and how to use it. “He had practically built the family house with his own two hands and now he couldn’t remember spackle.” She cried. There were also frustrating times when Aron forgot to meet her as planned or became lost along the way. Most difficult of all was watching her father shrink before her eyes. The disease had made him small and frail.

A day nurse was hired to care for him while she was at work, and at night, Amy would return home to fix and feed him dinner. Afterward, she would help him to his chair. Once he was comfortable, she’d put on some music. If Aron was in a quiet mood, she might be able to do a little reading. But if he was talkative, she would listen to him as he relived a memory from his past. Sometimes, he would ask Amy where her mother was. The first few times he did this, she would gently remind him that his wife had passed many years before. It would upset him to hear, all over again, that she was gone. Eventually, Amy learned to just say that her mother had gone out to do some shopping. Aron would be satisfied with this and within a few moments would have forgotten all about his question.

At 56, Amy was exhausted and sad. She would have her father only for a little while longer. At the same time, she knew the man he had been was long gone. She confessed, “He doesn’t even know who he is anymore, and I don’t know either. He’s certainly not the dad I’ve always known and counted on.” Asked how she was doing, she said, “I need help. I can’t take care of him by myself anymore and I’m not quite ready to move him into assisted living. I just need a break now and then, but I feel too guilty leaving him with someone else.”

“Where is the guilt coming from?” I asked. Amy replied, “Because I should be the one to take care of him. I’m all he has left. How can I go and enjoy myself knowing he’s sitting at home lost in his memories?”

Amy’s guilt prevented her from caring for herself. As much as she loved her father, she felt a heavy obligation to look after him. Her father may have lost his mental capacities, but Amy had lost a sense of proportion and balance. Everyone needs a respite from life’s responsibilities now and then. Her father wasn’t stopping her from getting help and going out; her own emotions were doing that.

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Getting Motivated to Ask

In order for Amy, or any of us for that matter, to ask for help, we need to be motivated to do so. Nothing motivates us more than our emotions. In fact, the root of the words motivate and emotion are the same. Emotion is all about motion, movement, action, and behavior. Emotions are catalysts that direct us to act, to react, and to behave.

Our review of the three riptides of surrender, separation, and shame was intended to shine a light on the negative and fearful emotions that stop us from asking for help. These fear-based emotions slam on the brakes and prevent us from getting what we need. In order to ask for help, different emotional states are required. These new emotions don’t inhibit, instead they motivate us to ask for what we need.

The Anchoring Principles

For the most part, emotions are reactive in nature. We see something or experience some kind of event or stimulus, and we react with an interpretation and a feeling. In turn, we are compelled to take some kind of action. For example, if I see a spider, I react with a thought that spiders are creepy and the emotion of fear. My eyes widen, my breathing shortens, the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I become very pale. I feel a strong motivation to run like crazy. I may even scream. My fear has affected me physically.

The first anchoring principle is that emotions affect body and language. You may recognize this as the classic mind/ body connection, or more accurately, emotion/body/language connection. The Newfield Network, a transformational learning company for leaders located in Boulder, Colorado, has explored the emotion/body/language connection extensively. Newfield uses this principle as they work with, train, and coach leaders from all over the world. When our emotions are engaged, they affect us directly. Actions we take will reflect, even betray, what we feel inside. Any of the words we unconsciously choose will reflect the emotions we feel. Hence my scream—not exactly a word, but close enough—and my inclination to run from spiders.

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Typically, emotions also affect our body and language in specific ways. Certain actions and behaviors are associated with many emotional states. Fear has its own reactive behaviors: the well-known fight-or-flight response. When we experience fear, we either run, avoiding the problem entirely, or we fight, facing it head on. This reaction applies to both metus gravis and levis, grave and trifling fear.

Understanding that emotions affect us physically and alter the words we use, fear is the last place we want to go when we need to ask for assistance. Fear does not compel us to ask; if anything, it usually stops us from requesting what we need. If we do squeeze out a mayday cry, the words that fall from our lips will be dripping with it. Our voices will sound frightened, apprehensive, or even defensive. The words we choose will be wrong, fearful, and inarticulate. As long as fear is present, our bodies will reflexively display it. Fear may cause us to cast our eyes downward instead of straight ahead. Fear may move us to fold our arms or fidget with our hands. Unless we are truly expert in hiding our emotions—and most of us are not—our helpmates may easily perceive our weakened state of worry and anxiety.

In Amy’s case, the emotion of guilt affected her deeply. Typically, guilt, a combined feeling of shame and responsibility, moves us to either ask for forgiveness or punishment. When there is no one to forgive us—in Amy’s case, her father was unable to offer her absolution—our reactive behavior is to punish ourselves. Amy felt ashamed and guilty for being frustrated and impatient. She believed she deserved punishment, so she locked herself away in the self-imposed prison that was her father’s house. Physically, the feeling of guilt moved her to speak differently. Her voice changed, becoming more strident and strained. Her eyes appeared lifeless, without energy or sparkle. Self-reproach roughened her actions, making them brusquely efficient.

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Before Amy could ask for help, she needed to generate a new, more powerful, emotional state, one rooted in love for herself and her father.

Thankfully, emotions are not just reactive in nature, they can also be deliberate: We can intentionally choose to feel differently. For example, the moment I notice that I feel frustration about a mess that my dog has made, I have a choice to make. I can continue to carry the knee-jerk frustration and its corresponding behaviors (grumbling, stomping around the house), or I can choose a different emotional state. I could deliberately decide to be curious as to whether she was feeling all right. Or, I might choose to be indifferent, simply cleaning the mess without comment. Regardless of my choice, I am no longer at the mercy of the reactive quality of emotion. Instead, I can intentionally select an emotional state that serves me better. In this same way, we can choose to remain afraid to ask for what we need, or we can proactively choose different emotional states. This is the second of the anchoring principles of the Mayday! process: Get the emotion right and the right words and deeds will follow.

Making deliberate emotional shifts is not always easy. The typical approach is to talk ourselves out of one emotional state and into another. Sometimes this works, but often it doesn’t. It’s like saying we can talk ourselves out of being in love with someone, a highly unlikely approach. Instead, intentional emotional shifts often require an action, a physical movement or gesture that alters our emotional states. That’s why, after a heartbreak, we rip up photos or put away sentimental gifts from our ex. We feel an instinctive need to do something, anything to move on, to feel differently.

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Fear won’t motivate us to ask for what we need. So it becomes necessary for us to deliberately, with intention, choose different emotional states, the kind that will move us to ask for what we need.

TRY THIS INTENTIONAL EMOTIONS

The ability to shift from one emotional state to another is a learned behavior. Spend a moment examining your own experiences.

• Think of a time when you controlled your emotional response to a situation. What happened?
• How did you decide the first emotion was not appropriate?
• How did you go about shifting from one emotional state to another? Was it purely an intellectual or mental shift? Or did you do something physically to make the change happen?

Emotional Discomfort

At no time should you construe the anchoring principles to mean that you have permission to become cut off from your own feelings. Making a shift from one emotional state to another is not always recommended. Suppression (conscious rejection or exclusion) and repression (unconscious rejection or exclusion) of your emotions are rarely wise. Sometimes in your life it will be important to remain angry or reticent or frustrated. However, when it comes to asking for help, a shift from one emotional state to another is advisable.

The emotions and moods we experience are natural aspects of life, yet we have become uncomfortable talking about and expressing them, especially in the workplace. Often, they are noted only when they are expressed at a highly passionate level. Then we say someone is being “emotional.” Some people respond with discomfort and prefer that emotions be removed from the office altogether. “Do your work, stay focused, and leave your feelings at home,” they warn. That might seem efficient, but it’s not possible. Emotions never leave us, no matter how hard we try to ignore them.

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Confounding our discomfort is the fact that, as a culture, we have become emotionally illiterate. Instead of distinguishing between anger and indignation, we say we’re “pissed off.” Instead of specifying that we are frustrated or aggravated, we say, we’re “in a bad mood.” We even use the word love to describe everything from gluttony (I’d love a third donut) to romantic attachment (He is the love of my life).

Being able to accurately name an emotion and describe it is important, especially as we prepare to send out a mayday cry. When we confuse the meanings of different emotions, we reduce our understanding of what is possible. If we can distinguish one emotion from another, then we are better able to determine what is preventing us from getting the help we need.

As you read further, you will learn distinctions between sympathy and compassion, hope and faith, and appreciation and gratitude. We use these words interchangeably in general conversation. But when it comes to asking for help and applying the Mayday! process, we need to be more rigorous in their use.

It’s easy to reacquaint yourself with your emotions. Spend time reading the Common Emotions list, below. Use it in meetings and see how many you can identify in the room. Use it at home and figure out whether your family is a happy one or perhaps even a curious one. Begin to see emotion as an integral and necessary part of your life. Each has the power to propel us, or limit us, as we create new futures.

Common Emotions

• Are you happy, pleased, glad, joyful, contented, relaxed, calm, blissful, exultant, delighted, cheery, jovial, optimistic, joyous, ecstatic, glad?
• Are you at peace, satisfied, serene, comfortable, peaceful, relaxed, passive, calm?
• Are you sad, depressed, low, dismal, moody, sulky, defeated, pessimistic, miserable, heartbroken, distressed?
• Are you hurt, offended, upset, disappointed, heartbroken, crushed, miffed, wounded?
• Are you angry, annoyed, irritated, cross, livid, frustrated, indignant, irate, furious, fuming, enraged, cross, furious, incensed, outraged?
• Are you afraid, fearful, frightened, timid, cautious, concerned, apprehensive, alarmed, nervous, anxious, worried, hesitant, threatened, scared, petrified, terrified?
• Are you loving, accepting, understanding, fond, devoted, caring, affectionate, adoring, doting, warm, tender, passionate?
• Are you interested, involved, concerned, attracted, enthusiastic, intrigued, absorbed, excited, inquisitive, intent, fascinated, engrossed?
• Are you confident, certain, positive, convinced, secure, independent, brave, courageous, strong, empowered, proud?
• Are you doubtful, uncertain, unsure, disbelieving, cynical, indecisive, wavering, insecure, skeptical, dubious, suspicious, distrustful?
• Do you feel shame, dishonored, uncomfortable, embarrassed, humiliated, weak?

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Seed Emotions

Though all emotions generate some kind of action or behavior, not all result in bold moves or profound change. Some only move us to minor actions. Emotions can be classified into one of three levels, with each level defined by how great the resulting action is.

Passive emotions, such as contentment and pleasure do not elicit much in the way of action from anyone. At the most, they might encourage us to lay back, kick up our feet, and smile. Our words will reflect our satisfaction, but there will be little power behind them.

Functioning emotions are a bit more . . . emotive. Eagerness, enthusiasm, and curiosity are examples of emotions with more substantial associated actions. Acting from these, we might cheer on a friend or two or we might step up and begin something new. But these emotions do not change the world.

As relatively ineffective as they are, passive and functioning emotions serve a critical function. They operate as seed emotions for their big brothers, the virtues.

Virtues are emotional engines designed to elevate us to the best we can be. These emotional powerhouses grab us and never let us go—at least not without a great deal of internal anguish. They are addictive to our bodies and our minds. They motivate us to audacious and courageous acts, and to speak with that same bravery. Virtuous emotional states are the ones that move us to ask for what we need and to do it with clarity, strength, and purpose.

In particular, three seed emotions are critical for the success of our mayday calls. They are

• Sympathy, which leads to the virtue of compassion.
• Hope, which leads to the virtue of faith.
• Appreciation, which leads to the virtue of gratitude.

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By themselves, each seed emotion is relatively ineffective. Sympathy, hope, and appreciation are admirable and loving emotions, but when it comes to overcoming the fears of surrender, separation, and shame, they are weaklings. To make our requests, to fulfill our needs through the assistance of another person, we require more powerful emotional states.

Seed emotions will not compel you to ask for help. Just as a flower seed needs water, each seed emotion needs to be cultivated with the help of another ingredient. Combine these emotional seeds with an action and they will grow into powerful virtues. When that happens, we are changed forever, life appears differently, and we automatically move to create the lives we’ve always wanted. When virtue is in place, asking for help loses its intimidation factor. Instead, crying mayday becomes an act of self-respect.

Applied Virtue

Not a popular word nowadays, virtue conjures images of corsets and stiff collars. For some it may elicit memories with more formal religious connotations. Virtue, a seemingly oldfashioned concept, doesn’t appear to belong in the twentyfirst century; yet, virtue does and can exist, every day and in almost every challenge . . . especially in asking for help.

Most definitions of the word address moral excellence and commendable traits or qualities. Josef Pieper, a philosopher and survivor of Nazi Germany, wrote that virtues enable a person “to attain the furthest potentialities of his nature.” “Furthest potentialities”—this phrase inspires me and reminds me that, even in difficult situations, we all can be great.

Virtue encompasses the highest qualities of humanity and leads us to our best selves. It gives us permission to live from our own personal wisdom. It guides us down a path of possibilities, even those that exist in our darkest moments, when our need is great and when help seems far away. Then virtue changes us forever.

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Four properties give virtue its mysterious power. An understanding of these qualities (based on the works of Dr. Pieper and Gilbert Meilaender, another world-renowned ethicist) explains why virtue brings on miraculous change. The combination of these four properties takes virtue from the obsolete to the applicable. No longer the province of saints and prophets, these super emotional states can belong to us common folk, too. These applied virtues (AVs) can be used in even the most mundane situations. AVs are especially useful when we find we cannot do it alone and need to reach out for a helping hand.

Applied virtue, like emotion, affects body and language. The greatness of their virtuous acts attracts us to people like the Dalai Lama and Mother Teresa. These very flawed people have shown us how to be our best selves through their intrepid and courageous acts. Their words are kind, open, and inviting. They have proved that personal greatness is possible through a life of integrity and love rather than one of fear. Though we may not have classic archetypes to show us how to ask for what we need, we do have a few virtuous role models that have shown us how to live.

Remember Amy? Her compassion for her father moved her to sacrifice a great deal. This was a purely virtuous act. That virtue still lives on, though it may be buried beneath the physical exhaustion she feels. What Amy didn’t quite understand is that her ego and the fear of shame were hard at work, making her question the most generous of deeds.

Applied virtue can be learned. Think of each applied virtue as a kind of life skill. Less specific in nature than, say, paying your taxes or reading a map, virtues can be applied according to the needs of each situation. For example, just as we are born not knowing how to sew on a button, we may not know how to be generous. Yet we can learn how to do both.

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Often our lessons begin at a young age through examples delivered by our parents or teachers or through archetypal stories. But none of us really comprehends the power of an applied virtue until we experience it through an epiphany, a sudden intuitive leap of understanding. Amy thought she understood the virtue of compassion. It wasn’t until she witnessed her father become confused in his own kitchen that she truly comprehended its meaning.

Applied virtue has the power to take hold of us and change our perceptions. This is the third property of applied virtue. Meilaender writes of virtues, “they influence how we describe the activities in which we engage, what we think we are doing, and what we think important about what we are doing . . . Our virtues do not just simply fit us for life; they help shape life.”

When perception shifts, so does life. I often promote my coaching practice by saying I “sell” new observations, new ways of perceiving events and situations. When I am privileged to watch someone reach a moment of illumination—a flash of understanding when they see with new eyes—I am deeply satisfied. Once the veil is removed, there is no going back. The person in front of me has changed, forever.

The application of virtue alters how we perceive our circumstances. This new interpretation, in turn, amends our use of language. Naturally, the words we choose will reflect our new mindset. But the power of virtue doesn’t stop there. It also transforms our bodies. Where frustration might have caused frantic or violent movement, applied virtue produces smooth, graceful motions and gestures.

As for Amy, her perceptions of her father were outdated ones. As the virtue of compassion took hold again, she began to see Aron differently. Amy realized he was much more and much less than the superhuman hero she had always imagined him to be. Supported by virtue, Amy’s gestures became softer, less rough. Her voice lightened and the light came back to her eyes.

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Applied virtue arises from a purposeful selection between two options: the virtuous path and the status quo. All of us have the potential to be listed among the ranks of the virtuous. What separates us from people such as Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama, and Gandhi is not physical distance, opportunity, or time, but the choices we make.

When it comes to asking for help, many of us would rather take the easy way out, retain the status quo, and not make the request at all. We reason that it would be simpler to handle things on our own. We assure ourselves that it would be too much effort for someone else to get involved, or that we might be asking for trouble! Our petty worries convince us that it would be easier to struggle on alone.

Choosing to go it alone isn’t always the best choice. In fact, choosing to involve another may just be the virtuous option left unexplored.

Have you read the book or seen the film version of To Kill a Mockingbird? Attorney Atticus Finch, the beloved father of Scout and Jem, was a truly virtuous man. He had many opportunities throughout the story to choose the easy way out, to choose not to represent a black man falsely accused of rape. Atticus, a man whom virtue had already changed, never flinched when he selected the hard road and did the right thing.

Another example, based on an unfortunate reality, is the action of the passengers of United Airlines Flight 93, that crashed into a Pennsylvania field on September 11, 2001. Their deliberate choice to rush the hijackers served as an example to every American. Their individual honor and collective courage cost them their futures, but that act saved the lives of thousands of others. A great deal of virtue was exhibited that day. The inhumane cruelty of Al Qaeda affected us all, but the grand and small virtuous acts that day reminded us of what we could be and changed us for the better.

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It might seem that resolving a need on your own is actually the more difficult choice—after all, you are the one doing the work. Not quite. Asking for aid, inviting another into our troubled life, resurrects our greatest fears of separation, shame, and surrender. It forces us to risk on an emotional level, not an intellectual one. Choosing virtue demands more of you, more of your spirit. Asking for help is, indeed, the harder choice.

Applying Virtue to Asking for Help

With these four properties, virtue becomes useful, within reach, and easily applicable. These “emotions on steroids” can be applied in a myriad of situations, whether at home, at work, or at the ball field. That goes for asking for help, too.

Trifling fear prohibits us from asking for what we need. It motivates us to stay with the status quo, the known, our usual habits. If we are to reach out and receive the benefits of making a mayday call, other more powerful emotional states are demanded. Applied virtue is required.

TRY THIS EXPLORING VIRTUE

Virtue is a concept that few of us think about on a regular basis, but it is worth examining. Answer the following questions to get reacquainted with the power of virtue.

• Who are the people you admire most in life? (They can be living or dead.) What virtuous qualities do they possess?
• How do you think they learned to be so virtuous? What were their personal epiphanies? If you don’t know, it might be worth investigating.
• How do you think these virtues changed their lives?

Shifting away from fear, we open ourselves to the transformative power of applied virtue. Our perceptions about asking for help will change. We no longer see it as an intimidating process, a step of last resort. With applied virtue, everything that seemed impossible is now possible, even likely.

In this part, you’ve examined what stops us from asking for what we need. You’ve also discovered the wonderful blessings that come when we reach out and ask for that helping hand. And you’ve been introduced to the underpinnings of the Mayday! process: anchoring principles, seed emotions, and applied virtues. In Part Two, you will read about the specific steps of the process and the role that applied virtue plays in making your requests for help clear, strong, and centered.