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RESOURCES
Here are the Riptide and Applied Virtue Matrices for easy reference. They provide simple reminders of the truth: that you are worthy and deserving of the help you seek. Rely on them when the riptide of fear takes hold.
THE RIPTIDE MATRIX
| The Riptide of Surrender | The Riptide of Separation | The Riptide of Shame | |
| The Lie | All control is good and the loss of control is very bad. | You have always been alone and you are alone now. | You are flawed. You must never let anyone see your flaws or they will be repulsed by you. |
| Related Concerns | Loss of independence Concern over the price tag for help Fear of the unknown Loss of control over how things are done Loss of financial security | Risk of losing one's job Banishment from the family or community Fear of rejection | Concern over revealing one's weaknesses Feeling unworthy or undeserving |
| The Truth Behind the Fear | Control is impossible and surrender can be glorious. | You are not alone. | You are worthy of help. |
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THE APPLIED VIRTUE MATRIX
| Applied Virtue | Definition | The Emotional Seed | Combined with | The Hidden Message |
| Compassion | A desire to-alleviate the suffering of others | Sympathy: an understanding of another's suffering | A desire to act on behalf of someone else | Others are deserving of help |
| Self-Compassion | A desire to alleviate our own suffering | Sympathy: an understanding of our own suffering | A desire to act on one's own behalf | You are deserving of help |
| Faith | A deep belief that you will be cared for even if the outcome is unclear | Hope: an optimistic belief for the future | A leap of faith; surrender | You will be cared for; you are not alone |
| Gratitude | A profound appreciation for life's blessings | Appreciation: an understanding of the importance or value of something | Mindfulness | You are blessed! |
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Mayday! Salons
Asking for help requires us to invite others into our own lives. Many of us have had enough of doing it alone. If you choose to create a deliberate support system, like the one described in Step 4, then you might also be interested in establishing a Mayday! Salon. The purpose of a Salon is to deepen your learning about the process, to support one another in its implementation, and to help you track your own personal growth. Below are a few suggestions for making your Salons effective.
Invite a Variety of Interested Parties
Talk up the Mayday! process. Let people know that you are learning to ask for what you need. Invite others to learn about the process. If three or more of you are implementing the process, suggest you meet to create a Salon of your own.
Deliberate support teams include those who will push us beyond our own limits. Keeping this in mind, try not to limit your membership to just your friends and buddies. Invite others who see life differently than you do. You will expand your own comfort zones and they will contribute their own perspectives and insights.
Set Regular Meeting Days/Times
Regular meetings can become a burden on busy lives. Meetings that happen too infrequently can slowly fade away. Striking the right balance of how often, when, and where you meet may take some trial and error.
Start with monthly meetings on an evening that is best for the majority of the members. Check in every few meetings to see how the date and time is working for everyone. If it isn’t, feel free to change it.
Select One Topic per Salon
There are so many subjects to cover when it comes to asking for help. Take each of the major topics and make them come alive with your own stories and experiences. Here are some suggested topics:
- The benefit of interpersonal connection
- The benefit of flow
- The benefit of a life of ease, simplicity, and renewed energy
- The fear of surrender
- The fear of separation
- The fear of shame
- Other ways to define need
- Ideas to generate self-compassion
- Ideas to generate faith
- Ideas to generate gratitude
- Other tips to make asking easier
- Personal lessons on how to listen differently
- Great ideas on how to say thank-you
Share the Responsibility of Hosting,
Moderating, and Recording
Consider alternating the roles of hosts, moderators, and recorders.
Hosts provide the venue for the meeting.
Moderators help facilitate the Salons, making sure they don’t veer off track or get bogged down in one person’s experiences.
Recorders take notes that might be useful to post on a website or just share between Salon members. This role is optional and definitely not necessary to the success of your Salons.
Structure Your Meetings
There is something to be said about consistency and predictability. Structure provides comfort and creates ritual. Both serve to keep your Salon thriving.
One structure, which at first glance seems to be overkill, applies to the use of ground rules. You may develop these as you go along, but if you can, create them in your very first Salon. That way, everyone knows what’s expected. Ground rules also make it easier for moderators to do their jobs well.
Another helpful structure is to come up with your own individual way to celebrate success and your attempts at asking for help. Make them fun and meaningful.
Finally, every few months check in with the members to see how things are going. Discuss what works, and what doesn’t. Make changes as you go to keep your Salon alive and growing.