INDEX
abundance, philosophy of, 153
acquisition, habit of, 152
actions, intentional emotional shifts, 63
Adams, Abigail, great virtues, 59
adventure, preparing for your, 9
AI (Appreciative Inquiry), introducing, 153
AIDS, South Africa, 43
Al Qaeda, cruelty of, 72
alignment, phenomenon of, 135
Alzheimer’s, caring for a patient with, 59, 70
Ambrose, Stephen, having faith, 124
analysis, gap, 85
Anam Cara, A Book of Celtic Wisdom (O’Donohue), 37
angels, guardian, 39
anxiety, body language, 62
applied virtues
aspects of, 69
compassion, 92
self-compassion, 94
appreciation
defined, 155
expressing, 184
seed emotion of, 67
vs. gratitude, 159
appreciative inquiry (AI), introducing, 153
ask, making the, 131
Askers, and Helpers workshop activity, 180
attachment, problem solutions, 83
attention, personal distress signals, 79
attitude, improving by listening, 172
awareness, deliberate, 156
balance, work/life, 8
Beattie, Melody, The Language of Letting Go, 163
Beecher, Henry Ward, gratitude, 159
Beggar, archetype of the, 14
behaviors, showing appreciation vs. gratitude, 159
belief statement, 112
Bible, requests for help in the, 15, 50
blessings
focusing on, 154
gratitude, 156
reciprocation, 159
Blixen, Karen, Out of Africa, 32
body
applied virtue, 69
effect of faith on your, 119
self-compassion and physical changes, 98
body language
emotions, 62
listening, 176
observing, 178
renewing faith, 145
Bolen, Jean Shinoda
Goddesses in Everywoman, 17
Gods in Everyman, 17
Bowling Alone (Putnam), 18
Branson, Sir Richard, 133
breakdowns, communication, 177
Canaanite woman, Bible story of the, 16
capital, social, 18
Carter-Scott, Cherie, If Life Is a Game, These Are the Rules, 84
case studies
anticipating future needs, 137
the argumentative boss, 55
balancing creativity and business management, 20
caring for an Alzheimer’s patient, 59, 70, 103– 104
fear of surrender, 29
finding alternative helpmates, 132
following the three thanks rule, 185
habitual self-sufficiency, 19
having faith that everything will work out, 121
having sympathy for neglected children, 93
ignoring personal needs, 94
improving attitude by listening, 172
inconsiderate needy people, 44
leadership challenges of teamwork, 109, 113, 116
learning to delegate, 126
listening to a nonstop talker, 173
loss of financial stability, 32
making a presentation to upper management, 127
moving back to live with parents, 168
negative responses, 167
new inexperienced project manager, 54
observing body language, 178
outsourcing household tasks, 96
overcoming a terrifying childhood, 164
overwhelmed working mother, 45, 105, 155
preparing for college entrance exams, 146
realizing a dream, 117
recognizing the positive aspects of a situation, 161
requesting time off from a new job, 37
rescuing a marriage, 84
satisfying your creativity, 85
seeking help with post-operative care, 33
small restaurant management, 19
suspending the Law of Reciprocity, 24
turning a no response to a yes, 179
visualization of Bruised Bobby, 100
weathering a business downturn, 82
working while overstressed, 51
Castle, Victoria, The Trance of Scarcity, 153
Chicago Tribune, AIDS epidemic in South Africa, 43
choices
applied virtue, 71
gratitude, 164
mindful, 102
Choquette, Sonia, Your Heart’s Desire, xiv
Cicero, gratitude, 151
collective, unconscious, 14
communication, breakdowns, 177
compassion
defined, 93
fatigue, 23
practicing, 91
The Applied Virtue Matrix, 97
virtue of, 67, 70
vs. sympathy, 92
complaints, Yugoslavian advice on voicing, 3
completion, notification of, 143
concepts, appreciative inquiry (AI), 153
connections
emotion/body/language, 61
emotional, 1
connectivism, lifestyle of, 18
control
flow of life, 52
futility of, 32
control
loss of, 30
relinquishing, 116, 123
conversations, successful, 176
creativity
identifying possible helpmates, 133
satisfying your, 85
Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly, Flow:
The Psychology of Optimal Expeience, 52
Curie, Marie, understanding life events, 27
Dalai Lama, The applied virtue, 69
happiness and compassion, 91
dark side, fear of the, 43
Davis, Bette, 17
Demeter, Greek myth of Persephone and, 15
Dickens, Charles, 55
discomfort, emotional, 64
disconnect, listening for the, 178
distractions
limiting interruptions, 140
scarcity-based, 152
Edison, Thomas, 17
Einstein, Albert, finding solutions, 11
emotions
common, 65
expressing, 64
intentional shifts of, 63
listening, 176
motivations, 7, 61
remaining open, 140
seed levels of, 67
on steroids (applied virtues), 72
empathy
defined, 57
transforming relationships, 56
energy
creative, 49
exhaustion, 51
epiphany, applied virtue, 70
fairy godmothers, 39
faith
applied virtue of, 113
belief systems, 111
and hope, 114
regenerating, 144
taking a leap, 115
The Applied Virtue Matrix, 115
virtue of, 67
fantasy, vs. reality, 28
fatigue, compassion, 23
favors, unpredictable repayment of, 31
fear
dark side, 43
levels of, 27
requesting help, 25
separation, 37
shadow, 43
shame, 42
Finch, Atticus, To Kill a Mockingbird, 71
flow
defined, 52
experiencing, 53
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Expeience (Csikszentmihalyi), 52
flowers, metaphors for gratitude, 159
focus
on gifts, 168
on what’s missing, 152
on your helpmate, 171
Ford, Debbie, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, 43
Ford, Henry, 17
frequencies, personal, 159
friends
counting our closest, 18
real, 49
friendship, suspending the Law of Reciprocity, 24
functioning emotions, 76
future, uncertainty of the, 31
“Gallery of Archetypes”, Sacred Contracts (Myss), 14
gap analysis, 85
Gates, Bill, 17
generosity
law of reciprocity, 186
practicing, 158
gestures, renewing faith, 145
gifts
accepting, 24
focus on, 168
perception of yes or no answers, 166
God, expressions of gratitude, 160
Goddesses in Everywoman (Bolen), 17
godmothers, fairy, 39
Gods in Everyman (Bolen), 17
Goering, Laurie, AIDS epidemic in Africa, 43
Good Samaritan, Bible story of the, 15
grace, effect of faith, 119
Gracian, Baltasar, knowing how to ask, 131
gratitude
applied virtue of, 151, 191
beauty and strength of, 8
demonstrating, 187
metaphors for, 159
The Applied Virtue Matrix, 157
virtue of, 67
vs. appreciation, 159
grave fear, forms of, 27
Gray, John, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, 45
Great Shopping Mall in the Sky, 135
groove, being in the, 53
groups, support, 82
growth, personal, 55
guidelines, timing your request, 136
guilt
emotion of, 62
laying on the, 184
happiness, using hidden talents, 54
health, exhaustion, 52
hearing, vs. listening, 175
help
asking for, 3
language of asking for, 2
refusing to accept, 20
self-compassion and asking for, 104
Help: The Original Human Dilemma (Keizer), 16
Helpers and Askers, workshop activity, 180
helpmates
focusing on, 171
identifying possible, 132
Hepburn, Katherine, 17
Hofstede, Geert, national tendencies toward individualism or collectivism, 17
Holmes, Oliver Wendell, on insanity, 52
hope
and faith, 114
seed emotion of, 67
Hulst, Maurice, sustaining others, 189
humiliation, public, 42
Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans, 77
If Life Is a Game, These Are the Rules (Carter-Scott), 84
independence, American ideal of, 17
independent, becoming less, xiv
individualism, lifestyle, 17
Indonesia, tsunami, 77
intention, underlying, 178
interruptions, limiting distractions, 140
intivation, sharing life, 8
intuition, timing your request, 138
isolation, reducing through listening, 173
Jairus, Bible story of, 16
journal, gratitude, 163
Jung, Carl
fear of the shadow, 43
wisdom of archetypes, 14
justification, self-compassion, 95
Keizer, Garret, Help: The Original Human Dilemma, 16
Kursk, sunken Russian submarine, 50
language
applied virtue, 69
describing emotions accurately, 65
emotions, 62
personal interpretation, 176
self-compassion and changes in, 98
See also body language
Lazarus, Bible story of, 16
learning, applied virtue, 69
life
applied virtue, 70
flow of, 52
river of, 53
lifestyles, individualist vs.
collectivist, 17
lightness, emotional and physical, 158
listening
holistic, 177
practicing, 171
vs. hearing, 175
lists
common emotions, 65
identifying possible helpmates, 134
letting it speak to you, 135
loans, payback arrangements, 186
logic, under stress, 52
Luther, Martin, about faith, 119
Mann, Stella Terrill, xiv
mantra, creating a personal, 124
Maslow, Abraham, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, 87
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (Maslow), 87
Matrix
The Applied Virtue, 97, 115, 157, 194
The Riptide, 48, 193
mayday, etymology of, 1
Mayday!
celebrations 192
Salons, 195
Meilaender, Gilbert, applied virtues, 69
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (Gray), 45
metaphors, gratitude and flowers, 159
metus gravis, 27
metus levis, 28
milestones, identifying key, 142
mindfulness, gratitude, 155
model, The Mayday! process, 5
models, stories containing life, 13
Mom, needing, 34
moods, expressing, 64
Moore, George, searching for needs, 77
Mother Teresa, applied virtue, 69
motivation
emotional, 61
emotions, 7
Myss, Caroline, “Gallery of Archetypes”, Sacred Contracts, 14
mythology, Greek, 14
need, naming the, 78
neediness, the shame of, 44
needs
hierarchy of, 88
wanting Mom, 34
New Orleans, Hurricane Katrina, 77
objectives, stating your, 142
O’Donohue, John, Anam Cara, A Book of Celtic Wisdom, 37
Olalla, Julio, Newfield Network, 175
Old Adam, killing the, 119
Out of Africa, 32
paradox, acting from faith, 115
passive emotions, 67
perception
applied virtue, 70
changes with self-compassion, 101
gratitude and abundance, 163
of yes or no answers, 166
Persephone, Greek myth of Demeter and, 15
philosophy, abundance vs. scarcity, 153
Pieper, Josef, on human virtues, 68
planning, identifying key milestones, 142
possibilities, restricted by fear, 82
possibility, vs. predictability, 8
power
gratitude, 152
loss of, 30
relinquishing personal, 35
sharing, 13
primal fear, 27
principles
anchoring emotions, 61
applied virtue, 7
privacy
choosing a location with sufficient, 139
degree of, 143
problems
proposing solutions, 81
solving, 49
process, the Mayday!, 5, 76, 190
productivity, social ties, 18
proficiency, practicing asking for help, 54
progress, checking your, 149
Putin, President Vladimir, refusal to ask for help to rescue the Kursk, 50
Putnam, Robert, Bowling Alone, 18
quality, requirements, 143
questions
affirming a yes or no response, 179
conversation starters, 141, 174
reality, vs. fantasy, 28
reciprocation, blessings, 159
relationships
abusing, 23
letting go of, 167
negative responses, 166
protecting, 186
transforming, 8, 56
reluctance, our natural, 11
requests
consequences of making unclear, 22
guidelines for timing your, 136
person-to-person vs. email, 139
responding with gratitude, 151
resistance, relinquishing inner, 36
responses
listening honestly to, 160
negative, 138, 184
riptides
fear of separation, 37
fear of shame, 42
fear of surrender, 29
surviving, 189
roadblocks, identifying potential, 144
role, determining your, 144
rules
Law of Reciprocity, 23, 186
the Three Thanks, 185
Sacred Contracts (Myss), 14
Salons, Mayday!, 195
scarcity, philosophy of, 153
scheduling, using a timetable for completion, 143
Scrooge, Ebenezer, 55
seed emotions, 67
self-care, vs. selfishness, 99
self-compassion
applied virtue of, 94
The Applied Virtue Matrix, 97
self-sufficiency, habitual, 19
senses, fifth and sixth, 2
separation
fear of, 37
six degrees of, 133
serendipity, listing possible helpmates, 134
shadow, fear of the, 43
shame, fear of, 42
sharing, lessons in, 12
signals
faith and mayday cries, 120
garbled, 22
pesonal distress, 78
static, 4
transmitting Mayday!, 190
signs, needing self-compassion, 95
six degrees of separation, 133
skills, requesting help, 21
societies, individualist vs.
collectivist, 17
solutions
becoming unattached, 83
brainstorming creative, 141
soul, touching another’s, xv
South Africa, AIDS epidemic, 43
spiders, fear of, 61
statements, belief, 112
steroids, emotions on (applied virtues), 72, 183
stories, containing models and archetypes, 13
Streep, Meryl, 33
strength, grounded, 145
stress, logic under, 52
surrender
blessing, 35, 37
dispelling the fear of, 97
embracing, 35
faith and fear of, 118
philosophical, 116
riptide of, 29
swimming, surviving a riptide, 189
sympathy
defined, 92
seed emotion of, 67
self-compassion, 95
vs. compassion, 92
systems, support, 18
talents, using hidden, 54
tales, classic, 13
talismans, renewing faith, 145
teams, support, 135
techniques, listening, 174
thank you, saying, 184
thankfulness, gratitude, 160
thanks, giving, 161
The Dark Side of the Light Chasers (Ford), 43
the Hausa of Nigeria, giving thanks, 183
The Language of Letting Go (Beattie), 163
The Power of Now (Eckhart), 36
The Trance of Scarcity (Castle), 153
theories, six degrees of separation, 133
threats, imaginary, 28
Three Thanks rule, 185
ties, social, 18
Time Magazine, counting our closest friends, 18
timing
completion dates, 143
requests, 138
To Kill a Mockingbird, 71
Tolle, Eckhart, The Power of Now, 36
training, developing skills, 21
trifling fear, forms of, 28
Try This
Create a Helpmate List, 134
Disproving the Fear of Separation, 39
Exploring Virtue, 72
Generate Gratitude, 163
Generating Faith, 124
Intentional Emotions, 64
Is It a Need or a Want?, 88
Learning to Be Self-Compassionate, 101
Listening for the Disconnect, 182
Noticing Your Own Distress Signals, 80
Practice Listening, 174
recording activities, 1
Scarcity-Based Distractions, 154
Self-Compassion, 96
Thank-You Practice, 185
The Agreement, 145
The Benefits You’ve Experienced, 58
The Fear of Separation, 42
The Fear of Shame, 47
The Riptide of Surrender, 36
What Is Your Gap?, 87
What Stops You from Asking?, 25
Who Is Your Inspiration?, 165
Why You Deserve Help, 104
Your Belief Statement, 112
Your Gratitude List, 157
Your Hope, Your Leap, 117
tsunami, Indonesia, 77
United Airlines Flight 93, applied virtue, 71
universe, expressions of gratitude, 160
value, possessions, 152
vibrations, physical changes, 159
virtues
applied, 7, 68
emotional levels, 67
vulnerability, transforming relationships, 56
want, vs. need, 87
Wayne, John, 17
Welles, Orson, 17
West, Dame Rebecca, making friends, 171
widsom, archetypes, 14
Woodberry, George E., having faith, 109
work, expressing emotions at, 64
workshop, Helpers and Askers activity, 180
worry, body language, 62
worthiness, of help, 46
Yevdokimona, Emma, plea to President Putin to rescue the crew of the Kursk, 50
Your Heart’s Desire (Choquette), xiv
Zeus, Greek myth of Demeter and Persephone, 15
zone, being in the, 53