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STEP 4


ASK!

Know how to ask. There is nothing more difficult
for some people, nor for others, easier.
Baltasar Gracian

The applied virtues of self-compassion and faith are powerful emotional states that turn asking for help into a declaration of self-love and self-care. For some of you, this may be enough to get you out there asking for what you need. Others, however, might require a review of the basics, or the nuts and bolts, of transmitting effective mayday signals. This chapter presents the who, when, where, and how of making requests for help.

Step 4: Ask!

There is no way around it, asking for help demands that we actually ask for help. This time, making the ask, as salespeople often say, is going to be much easier. Self-compassion encourages you to ask for the help you deserve. Faith supports you as you make your mayday calls. Together, they relax and ground you physically and mentally. Your words and body reflect the belief that all will work out and that you are not alone. The suggestions that follow serve to create a supportive environment for your requests.

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Whom to Ask

Selecting just the right recipient of our mayday request is often a challenge. There is no one best answer, but you can use these guidelines as you consider your helpmate options.

Check Out the Usual Suspects

Possible helpmates could include your spouse, significant other, family, friends, or co-workers. These are people with whom you already have some kind of relationship. If you’ve known each other for a while, then you’ve probably both experienced periods of abundance and lack. With familiarity, you may feel more comfortable anticipating their reactions to your call for help. Your first inclination may be to go with someone you know. However, there may come a time when you will think twice before you ask those who know and love you best.

Henry has confided that he only feels comfortable relying on his wife for help. He knows she feels obligated and sometimes this is a burden to her. At times, she chafes from being his only resource. Henry knows this is unfair. If you find yourself in a similar situation, challenge yourself to step beyond the safe and comfortable, to take a leap of faith toward another person.

Pause before you start making your requests for help. There is wisdom in stopping and slowing down. Find a quiet place to sit, breathe deeply, and give yourself a chance to quiet your body and your mind. This mental, physical, and emotional break serves to ground you. Resist any impulse to pick up the phone and make an immediate call for help, unless of course, your need is truly urgent.

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Set your mind to the task at hand: expanding your list of helpmates. Use pen and paper; avoid typing your list on your computer. This slower, old-fashioned way of making a list decelerates your thinking, too. Then generate as many names of potential helpmates as you can. Follow the basic rule of brainstorming that dictates that no idea should ever be rejected this early in the process. That means you can put down names of people who may say no. Now is not the time to cross off possibilities before your list even gets started.

Be Creative; Look Beyond the Obvious

Make it a point to add new names to your list. You may not even know the people you add. This new addition may be a friend of a friend. Perhaps you know them only by reputation. Have fun with your list. I usually add Richard Branson’s name because he’s an entrepreneur and philanthropist whom I admire. In my imagination, I fancy that he would certainly be open to requests like mine. Silly, of course. I’ve never met Sir Richard, but just seeing his name on the list lightens my mood. And that’s always a good thing in a time of need.

Spend time pondering the six degrees of separation. The theory goes that everyone in the world can be reached through a series of fewer than six different connections. Apply this theory to your life. For example, if you seek help with your physical well-being, consider talking to a yoga instructor or to someone who strikes you as being fit and healthy. She may be able to lead you to a healer or physician she values greatly. Or if you need help balancing work and home, consider talking to the neighbor down the street who always seems to have plenty of time for his kids. He might not be able to help you directly, but maybe he can suggest someone who can.

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Assume Nothing

Remember, during this time of need, your fears are lying like dogs. Your ego-mind is working overtime to get your attention and force you to scratch off names as soon as you add them to the list. Don’t do it. That insidious little voice wants you to believe that everyone else is too busy to help. Or that your long shots are just too long (like Richard Branson). Don’t listen to it. The point of this activity is two-fold. First, to produce a list that can also be used in the future, and second, to reinforce that you are blessed with a strong network of those willing and able to help you.

TRY THIS CREATE A HELPMATE LIST

Use the following template to create a list of potential helpmates. Update it periodically, depending on your need.

Name	Contact Information
1. ___________________________	______________________________
2. ___________________________	______________________________
3. ___________________________	______________________________
4. ___________________________	______________________________
5. ___________________________	______________________________
6. ___________________________	______________________________
7. ___________________________	______________________________

Be Willing to Be Surprised

You might find that as you make your list, serendipity drops by for a visit. You might get a surprise phone call from someone who is the ideal person to help you, or you might find the perfect helper from reading the newspaper. Once you are ready to ask for help, then everything starts to align in your favor. Some refer to this phenomenon of alignment as the Great Shopping Mall in the Sky. The philosophy goes like this: Many angels in heaven are waiting for us to decide what it is we need and want. They stand there in their white gowns and wings holding onto those old-fashioned order pads (the kind that department store sales associates used to use before everything became automated). As soon as we know what we need and send off our prayers, they jump into action. They scribble our orders down on those pads and then send them off to be fulfilled. Our only obligation is to remain vigilant and open to whom and what shows up next.

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Sleep on It

Once your list is made, and if time allows, put it away. After a day or so, go back to the list. Give yourself time for the list to speak to you. Trust your intuition. It may move you to select the name you resist the most, or the one you know the least. Once you’ve made your choice, elicit the AV of faith. Your faith will reassure you that you’ve made the best choice possible.

Create a Support Team

A proactive step that you can take well before you ever need to send out a mayday call is to create a support team of your own. Many of us rely heavily on family and co-workers, but most of these people were not deliberately chosen by you to be in your life. As loving as they may be, these accidental affiliations may not be the best helpmates for you. As in all things, mindful choice is preferred. Rather than choosing the default options—husband, wife, or friend—build a deliberate and functioning support team of select individuals. Your support team might consist of:

• One person who will commiserate with you and then cheer you up.
• One person who will challenge your perceptions and beliefs.
• One person who is unlike you in many aspects such as culture, personal history, and areas of interest.
• One person to act as your scout: someone who has been where you are and is willing to share his or her experiences with you.
• One person with a wicked sense of humor who will get you to laugh.

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If you have a team like this already, you may be able to find help quickly and with very little angst. If not, the best time to establish such a team is when you are feeling strong and confident.

When to Ask

There are no hard and fast rules for when to send out your mayday signals. You might want to use these guidelines as you prepare to ask.

Avoid the Rush

It is tempting to believe that many of our pressing needs must be resolved immediately. This isn’t always the case. Ask yourself if your need is pressing; if there is a time element that needs to be addressed. We often confuse urgency with importance. Some needs are important, but not urgent. You might feel the need to buy groceries (an important task), but if your child calls from the hospital (an urgent task) the groceries will wait. Conversely, some needs are urgent, but not necessarily important. Your teenage daughter may insist that she needs to be driven immediately to the local skateboarding park. She may feel it is urgent to hang out with her friends. You know, however, that this is not an important request, especially if homework is yet to be completed.

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Ask yourself, “Does this need have to be met now?” and “How important is it for this need to be fulfilled?” The answers to these questions can help you avoid delivering your request in a rushed or panicked manner.

Sandy, a temporary office worker, didn’t always have enough work to enable her to pay her rent. She dreaded asking anyone for help, but there were times when it just couldn’t be avoided. Her usual practice was to wait until her rent was overdue and then make a call to Randi, her older sister. Randi didn’t mind loaning the money, but what aggravated her was that Sandy always waited until the last moment. What was an important need became an urgent one. This meant that Randi felt forced to take time away from work to go to the bank to wire the money. She also incurred additional charges for the transfer. “Why can’t Sandy let me know a week before the rent is due? Why does she always ask me at the last minute?” Randi asked.

If you anticipate that you’ll need help in the near future, then speak to your helpmate as early as possible. Avoid waiting until your important need becomes pressing. Advance notice is almost always welcome. If it turns out you don’t need help after all, your helpmate will be pleased. If you do need it, she will appreciate the heads up.

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Banker’s Hours

Think about what time it is when you ask for help. Your fear may attempt to convince you that the call must be made immediately—no matter what time it is. Like the other lies told by your fear, this one isn’t true. Most of our mayday requests can be sent out during normal business hours, or at the very least, during the day. Avoid dinnertime and late evening as much as you can.

If you need help from someone at work, find a time when schedules are lighter or even clear. Use a lull in the craziness to make your request.

Ask Early, Ask Often

In Chicago, we have a saying that started in the old days of the political machines, “Vote early and vote often.” This tongue-in-cheek admonition can apply to asking for help, too.

Consider the possibility that you may have to ask more than one person for assistance. If after getting a negative response to your first request, slow yourself down again. Avoid rushing in and asking someone else right away. Regroup. You might feel a little wounded at the rejection, so spend a moment to stir up a little more compassion for yourself. Then, re-establish your link to faith. Be sure these applied virtues are firmly in place before you ask the next person on your list for help.

Listen to Your Intuition

Your intuition will likely tell you when it’s “a good time” to ask. Pay attention to what’s happening with your helpmate. Notice if he is under stress or if it’s a particularly difficult day. Do your best to move beyond your own fear to empathize with the person who might actually be able to help you out.

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Where to Ask

In Person

Successful mayday calls require full and honest conversations—instantaneous and reflexive give-and-take of statements, questions, and answers. If at all possible, make your request in person. The one-on-one conversation has multiple benefits. First, you’ll be better able to judge the openness and empathy of your potential helpmate. You’ll be able to see for yourself if she’s having a bad day or if she is suffering under the weight of her own issues. Second, your body communicates more than your voice and speech does. A centered physical presence, with excellent posture and a confident demeanor, has the best chance of making your request work. Finally, you’ll be able to care for your relationship, reacting immediately to any energetic or emotional shifts that might occur. If, for example, your helpmate becomes confused, you’ll have a chance to quickly resolve any confusion.

If you must present your request via email or letter, be sure to take it slowly. Just as if you were meeting with your potential helper in person, spend a moment or two to collect your thoughts and to generate self-compassion and faith. As soon as you do, your words are more likely to flow. Read the letter over carefully before you hit the Send button or drop it in the mailbox. Again, if time allows, pause and breathe. Leave the draft on your computer and sleep on it. The next day, take a look at it again with fresh eyes.

In Private

If you are at work, find an empty office or conference room to make your request. Avoid asking for what you need in the corridors or cafeteria. Creating a space of privacy accomplishes two things. First, it demonstrates the seriousness of your request. Second, it frees your potential helpmate to respond candidly. You will both be less concerned about prying eyes or big ears if the two of you speak alone. If you want to make a personal request of a friend or family member, invite him over to your home for a private chat, but only if it is convenient and comfortable for him. Otherwise, make your request on his home turf. Do what you can to make your helper feel comfortable.

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Limit Distractions

Put away the Blackberries and turn off the phones. Shut the office door or tell your assistant to hold all calls. Silence your email chirps. If you are at home, be sure the kids are occupied and the dog is taken care of. Let the answering machine get your calls. Your mayday signal will be more easily received if there are no interfering distractions. Focus all your attention on this new conversation.

How to Ask

As long as you possess the grace born from the applied virtues of self-compassion and faith, the “how” of your request becomes less of an issue. Remember that the applied virtues, just like emotions, affect the actions we take and the words we speak. If you possess self-compassion and faith, your words and actions will convey those powerful states of being. Here are some additional guidelines to consider:

Remain Open

Remember that your emotional state has likely blinded you to the possibilities that exist. It is mentally and emotionally challenging for you to know the best way to meet your need as long as you are affected by that need. Even though you cannot fully see, others can. Remain open.

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Brainstorm

Ask your helpmate to brainstorm solutions with you. If you have a deliberate and functional support system already in place, then you can ask your team to come up with creative solutions with you. If not, go to someone you know and respect for their wisdom. Briefly, the rules of brainstorming are:

• All ideas are equally welcome and valid. There are no dumb ideas.
• Avoid criticizing the ideas of others.
• Build on everyone’s ideas.
• Go for quantity over quality. The idea is to generate the most creative, not necessarily the most practical ideas.

Ask Questions

If you’ve got faith the size of a mustard seed and find yourself a little nervous, you might want to tuck away a few standard questions that will help get your conversation going. Here are some good ones:

• Would you be willing to help me with something? Is now a good time?
• I’ve got something I’m trying to resolve, can you give me a hand?
• (Using humor) I’m desperate, can you help me please? (Advisable only if you have an established relationship with your potential helpmate).
• I’m stuck and I can’t see clearly how to resolve this. Would you be willing to help me come up with a few ideas?

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And if they are not able to help, ask:

• Can you suggest someone else who might be able to help?
• Do you know anyone who has had a similar situation? Do you know how they resolved it?

Getting Clear on Next Steps

After you have gone through so much to prepare your mayday signals, it would be a shame if your needs still went unanswered because of an unclear agreement on what happens next. It would be equally or even more disappointing if your relationship suffered because of communication problems. So much of our personal anguish comes about when promises are left unfulfilled. Ask yourself the following questions to make sure you avoid these kinds of issues:

What Is the Objective?

It’s important for both of you to understand the goal you are working toward. Use the results of your gap analysis to explain the situation. Unless you are willing and able to laugh it off if a different goal is achieved, then be sure to talk this through carefully.

What Are the Next Steps?

Get as detailed as you can in identifying key activities or steps. It’s not okay to micromanage your helpmate, but it is permissible to get an idea of the major steps to be taken. You may never know how your need is met. That just means that you really have to let go of the riptide fear of surrender. Usually, you do have an idea of what’s involved. If so, then offer to work up a plan or suggest key activities that will need to be completed. Your helpmate will appreciate the clarity.

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When Will the Help Be Rendered?

If you have a set timeline or deadline that has to be met, be sure to inform your helpmate. She may be willing to help, but she may not be able to do it in your timeframe. You may have to negotiate a date that works for both of you. Again, let go of your fear of surrender. If no deadline looms, then suggest a schedule that works for both of you.

Is This a One-Person Job or
Will Your Helpmate Enlist Others to Help?

Some needs are sensitive and should be kept private. If you do not want others to know that you are being helped, be sure you inform your helpmate that you’d like to keep this hush-hush. If privacy isn’t an issue, ask your helper if she might know of someone else who can contribute to the process.

Does Quality Matter?

If a task has to be finished with a certain level of quality, say an application has to be fully and accurately completed, then be specific about those requirements. More than likely, your helpmate wants to assist in the best way possible, so be sure to be as specific with these details as you can. Both of you would feel badly if your helpmate thought he had done a great job when, in actuality, he hadn’t.

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What Is Your Role?

Wouldn’t it be nice if our helpmates just went off and fixed our problems without us? Nice, but unlikely. It would also be irresponsible for us to expect that. Offer whatever you can to make sure that you are both successful. Be available to provide additional assistance, if necessary.

What Might Get in the Way of Getting the Task Done?

An uncomfortable question, to be sure, but one that still can be asked. If you believe your helper might have difficulty keeping her promise to you, then discuss it in advance. Avoid waiting until the problem becomes too big for both of you to handle.

How Will You Know When the Promise
of Help Has Been Fulfilled?

Your help may arrive and you may never even know it. Ask your helper to inform you when he’s kept his promise.

Letting Go—Again

Occasionally I find that it’s still possible for my fears to change my mind. There are times, after I’ve spoken the words and while the sound of my voice is still floating in the air, that I feel the urge to take it all back. Perhaps my faith wasn’t as strong as I would have liked, or maybe I lost sight of my blessings. Whatever the reason, I sometimes feel the impulse to add, “Oh never mind. I’m sure I can handle this by myself.” Or just as bad, “Oh forget it. I know how busy you are. Don’t worry about me.”

In these brief moments, when doubt creeps in, I have to relocate my faith and let go—again. I’ve discovered a few simple ways to regenerate faith that may prove useful to you as well.

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TRY THIS the agreement

As you talk over the implementation of your request for help, use the following form to guide your discussions. Or use it to help you collect your thoughts before you make your mayday call.

Objective: Key Steps:	Key People: Deadline or Timeframe:
1 ____________________________	1 ____________________________
2 ____________________________	2 ____________________________
3 ____________________________	3 ____________________________
Quality Requirements:	My Role:
1 ____________________________
2 ____________________________
3____________________________
Signs of Completion:	Possible Interference:
1 ____________________________	1 ____________________________
2 ____________________________	2 ____________________________
3 ____________________________	3 ____________________________

First, I breathe. That simple intake of oxygen has become my best reward. There are times I feel as though I’m holding my breath—both metaphorically and physically—when I ask for help. Just after I take my leap of faith, I allow myself a good, deep, chest full of free air. This simple reconnection to the abundance of life—there’s always plenty of air—helps me slip right back into faith.

Next, I make a simple gesture or small movement. Nothing too distracting, but enough to ground me and keep me centered. If I’m standing during my request, I double-check to make sure my feet are securely grounded, which might require me to shift a little in my shoes. If I’m seated, I can always do the same thing. I push my feet into the floor, imagining that I am rooted to the Earth. This steadies me and prevents me from snatching back my request.

Talismans can also be helpful when people articulate their mayday cries. Lucky stones or old pennies, talismans seem to provide their owners with a grounded strength. I know one woman who has a lucky pearl bracelet. As long as she wears that, she remains strong and resolute. These easy ideas can prevent us from succumbing to fear at the last moment.

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Jack’s Story

Jack was a sixteen-year-old high-school student with middling grades. A bright kid, he was diagnosed with dyslexia when he was twelve. The last four years had been a challenge for him. He had spent a great deal of time hiding, from pretty much everyone, the fact that he had a learning disability. He couldn’t shake the feeling that his tendency to invert numbers and letters was going to keep him out of college. “How am I ever going to take the SAT if I can’t read it properly?” he wondered.

Jack was afraid to send out a mayday call; the riptides of fear really had him. He thought, for sure, word would leak out to his friends that he needed special “help.” I could see that his fear of shame convinced him he’d never be able to live it down. Afraid to be seen as “special” or different from anyone else, Jack was also paying too much attention to the lies spread by the fear of separation. What he feared most was to surrender to the disability. A determined kid, he worked like crazy to make sure that his dyslexia didn’t get in his way to get what he wanted: a college education. “I can’t be the only kid who’s gone through this before. Somebody has got to help me,” he reasoned.

Jack needed help and he had an idea who might be a good person to ask: Mrs. Paulson. Mrs. P taught art appreciation in addition to drawing and painting. Jack seemed to do well in her classes, so he felt a bit more comfortable talking to her.

Nervous, but working hard to hide it, Jack asked Mrs. P on Monday if she’d save a few minutes after class on Wednesday to talk to him. She agreed. Jack could tell she was pretty curious, but she didn’t ask why.

In preparation for their talk, I suggested that Jack write down a few notes for himself. Capturing his thoughts on paper would force him to think about how he wanted to present himself. I also encouraged him to decide how he wanted to feel when he went in to talk with his teacher. Did he want to appear confident or nervous? Optimistic or anxious? “Oh I want to be confident all right. I just don’t want her talking to anyone else about my problem,” he replied.

Jack took a first good step by asking for an appointment, rather than just trying to get his teacher’s attention during class. This meant he was also able to limit the chance that anyone would overhear their conversation. Jack had also selected Wednesday because his last period was phys ed. He figured he could burn off a little of his nervous energy by running or lifting weight before heading to the art room. Just in case nerves got the better of him, Jack decided to memorize his opening line.

Wednesday arrived. Once the classroom cleared, Jack walked up to his trusted teacher and sat in the chair adjacent to her desk. He pulled out his few notes and took a deep breath. Then he looked her in the eye and said, “I’m not sure what to do. I really want to go to college, but my grades aren’t that great.” Smiling, Mrs. Paulson interrupted, “How can I help?”

Jack was caught off guard, just a little. He didn’t expect an interruption when he practiced his opening. So, he looked down at his handwriting for a moment to gather his thoughts. “I haven’t told many people, but I have dyslexia.” He looked up at Mrs. P just to see her reaction. There wasn’t one, so Jack moved on to his leap of faith, “If I’m going to get into college, I’m going to need some help. I just don’t have any idea where to start. I thought maybe you could help me.”

His teacher thought a moment and asked, “Well, this is an unusual request for an art teacher, but sure, I’ll be happy to help.”

Relief washed over Jack. For the first time since he had decided to ask for help, his shoulders relaxed. He realized that asking for what he needed didn’t have to be so hard after all.

Suddenly, it became a whole lot easier. The questions just poured out him. “What do you think I need to do? Do you really think we can fix it so I can take the SAT?” Jack asked her when she thought she’d be able to get back to him with some answers. He also inquired about her schedule. Did she really have the time to help him? Surprised by his concern for her, Mrs. P smiled. “If you need the help, Jack, I’ll make time. Don’t worry.” Together, they brainstormed next steps and how they might go about preparing Jack to take the test.

After they talked a while, Jack asked the hardest question of all, “Can we keep this quiet? I don’t really want anyone to know.” Mrs. P understood his concerns and told him that she’d keep it as quiet as possible, but that she might have to talk to the counseling office about his request. Reluctantly, Jack decided that was okay just as long as none of his friends found out.

Jack had done a wonderful job at asking for help. He had prepared himself. He had sought the one person whom he trusted most. He made his request in a private setting in a room where his helpmate felt most comfortable and where he was sure he would have Mrs. P’s undivided attention. By asking on Monday to talk on Wednesday, he had even given himself more time to calm down. Expressing sincere concern for her and her needs, he engendered even more empathy within Mrs. P. Together they decided on what was to happen next.

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Let’s check where we’ve come so far.

We’ve spent time in serious consideration of our need, creating a first guess at how to meet the need. We’ve also learned how to conjure self-compassion and faith. The applied virtue of self-compassion reaffirms that we are worthy and deserving of the help we seek.

Our mayday signal been sent or spoken. How we present ourselves and how we phrase our request is directly linked to the reciprocating power of emotion. Possessing—and being possessed by—the applied virtue of faith, we reflect the confidence we feel. Fear cannot muddy the signal. Instead, we deliver our requests for help with certitude that we will be helped.

In that space of time between when you ask for what you need and the response from your helpmate, there is time to generate one more applied virtue: gratitude.