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STEP 2


GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
The Dalai Lama

The Mayday! process has begun. At this point, you see the gap between what you have and what you need. You might even feel this disparity acutely. You have an idea of how the need could be met but have decided to remain open to other options. There is a strong possibility that fear still holds you back from obtaining the gifts of flow and connection that come from asking for help. It’s as though fear jams your personal frequencies, stopping you from making any kind of mayday call. Now is the time to take another deep breath and to move on to Step 2.

Step 2: Give Yourself a Break, Practice Compassion

It is damn difficult living life in this day and age. We face complexities and challenges that our ancestors couldn’t even begin to imagine. We are inundated with messages about how we should be, what we should buy, which groups we should belong to. Our minds are rarely at peace. We think constantly. We schedule our days, jamming them with more than we could ever possibly accomplish in twenty-four hours. Our bodies work overtime trying to squeeze “it” all in. And, to complicate matters, we have others to consider, too. We work to make sure they are provided with all they need. We involve our loved ones in almost all our major decisions. And through it all, there is very little room for us. When do we get a little “me” time? Who cares for the caregiver? Step 2 is all about breaking away from our relentless focus on everything and everyone else. To send out our mayday signals, we need to believe it is permissible to ask for help. That’s where the applied virtue of compassion comes into play.

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The Applied Virtue of Compassion

Let’s assume you need help right now. Hopefully, you’ve vowed that your worries are not going to get the better of you this time. Just then, a little voice inside your head says, “Who am I to ask for help? My problems are so minor compared to others. Everyone else is so busy anyway.” Okay, so maybe you aren’t as ready as you thought . . . yet. That’s because the first applied virtue, compassion—specifically compassion for you—is not in place.

Just as the three riptides of fear (surrender, separation, and shame) begin their lies with a seed of truth, the applied virtues also begin with something small, an emotional seed. The emotional seed of the virtue of compassion is sympathy.

Sympathy, according to Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, is “an affinity, association, or relationship between persons or things wherein whatever affects one similarly affects the other.” A sameness of feeling, an understanding of someone’s suffering, sympathy is a passive emotion. The actions it produces are less demonstrative, more reserved. When we are sympathetic to someone’s situation, we nod our heads in recognition of their trial and we may shed a tear or two. We may sit and hold a hand or “be there” for someone. These small actions can provide comfort to the target of our sympathy. But sympathy, in and of itself, does not compel us to great acts. But combine it with another element and it can change into a powerful force, an applied virtue.

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Four years ago, Kathleen made what I thought was a difficult and courageous choice. She quit her job as an attorney at a prestigious law firm in downtown Chicago and moved to Bolivia to work in a children’s orphanage.

Kathleen began her emotional journey with deep sympathy after hearing stories about these children. She couldn’t get the memory of them out of her head or her heart. After months of experiencing the ineffectiveness of this passive emotional state, she realized that she needed more! The kids needed more! Kathleen felt compelled to act, to combine her sympathy with a desire to do something for these children.

Kathleen first embraced the seed emotion of sympathy. She kept it alive and evolving. When she made a deliberate decision to act, to blend her life with theirs, the AV of compassion became firmly embedded in her heart. It was her active compassion for those neglected children that caused her to give up everything and care for them.

Compassion, according to Merriam-Webster’s, is a “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” Note the key distinction here: sympathy helps us recognize suffering, but compassion moves us to alleviate it. With sympathy we can relate to the anguish, but compassion leads us to share and transform it.

Sympathy + A Desire to Act = Compassion

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Compassion is what moves us to help others in need. Sympathy and the AV of compassion may also be applied during our own times of need, when we would do well to ask for help. Instead of directing those feelings toward others, however, we must aim them at ourselves!

The Applied Virtue of Self-Compassion

While holding great compassion for the orphans, Kathleen had reserved very little for herself. She had spent two months getting ready for her move to South America. She had subleased her apartment and made arrangements to access her finances while out of the country. Orchestrating her own going-away party, Kathleen combined it with a drive to accept donated socks and underwear for the Bolivian children she’d be living with. She had spent weeks saying goodbye to friends and family. So concerned with everyone and everything else, Kathleen had forgotten about her own needs.

The breaking point came when Kathleen was to board a plane in less than twenty-four hours, but she had yet to pack a box or move her belongings into storage. Pushed to the brink, Kathleen now found herself stressed and in tears. She needed help herself but couldn’t find the words to ask for it. In a conversation months later, she admitted that she had not felt justified in asking others to give of their weekend time to help her . . . as though our free time meant more than helping a dear friend!

A mayday call went out from a mutual friend who had guessed that Kathleen was struggling to get it all done in time. Once phone calls were made, six of us arrived on her doorstep to fold clothes, pack books, and tape boxes shut. In a few hours, her belongings were packed and ready to be loaded into a waiting van.

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The AV of self-compassion also begins with the seed emotion of sympathy, which is too weak to create the bold move Kathleen needed to take: to ask for help. Directed inwardly, sympathy results in actions such as silent wishes and deep sighs. Like all seed emotions, sympathy doesn’t produce bold steps. However, if we combine the seed of sympathy with an added ingredient, a desire to alleviate our own suffering, then we can conjure the AV of self-compassion.

Sympathy + A Desire to Act on One’s Own Behalf
= Self-Compassion

Kathleen didn’t feel right asking for a helping hand. If she had been supported by the AV of self-compassion, she would have asked for help from those who love her.

There is a hidden message within the powerful emotional state. The AV of self-compassion reminds you that you are justified in asking for help. Why? Because you are a human being with intrinsic worth and value. You are a child of the Universe, equal to any other, as deserving as any other. Because you love and are loved, you merit all that asking for help has to offer.

Any time you “cut yourself a little slack” or “give yourself a break,” you are using self-compassion. Perhaps a co-worker has suggested that you might be a bit “too hard on yourself.” This is a sign that you might be in need of a little—or a lot of—self-compassion. Or perhaps you have driven yourself to exhaustion. What if you slowed yourself down and injected a little personal compassion into your life instead? You might discover that a little self-care goes a long way.

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TRY THIS SELF - COMPASSION

How does self-compassion show up in your life? Answer the questions and see.

• Describe a time when you didn’t cut yourself the slack you deserved. Why didn’t you?
• Describe a time when you did give yourself a break. Why did you?
• What was different about these two situations?

Self-Compassion and the Great Fears

It’s funny how some people react when we exhibit self-compassion or self-care. About the time I began to learn about the benefits of asking for help, I made a decision to get rid of some of the household chores that were sapping my energy. I registered for a grocery delivery service and hired a housecleaner. I even began to look for a personal chef to prepare and freeze meals every week. This freed me up to do things that were more meaningful and fun.

I shared with Joey, an acquaintance, my plan to “out-source” a lot of these kinds of household tasks. He looked straight into my eyes and said, “I’m surprised you feel as though you need to do that. Isn’t that a bit lazy?” I was stunned at his rude assessment of my choice. It’s not unusual, unfortunately. Joey is no different from others who equate self-care with laziness or selfishness. In his eyes, I should have been embarrassed for being so lazy. Joey was the one who was afraid of shame, not me.

Fears of surrender, separation, and shame diminish to the point of powerlessness when we adopt the applied virtue of self-compassion. Virtue trumps fear because its truth originates in spirit, not ego. Self-compassion leaves no room for the ego to spout its lies. Instead, it fills us with peace. It reminds us that we are worthy. It lets us know that we deserve to ask for help.

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When the fear of separation insidiously whispers, “You will lose what you love if you ask for help,” the applied virtue of self-compassion counters, “Those who truly love and know me will help.” When fear snickers that you are alone, the AV of self-compassion declares, “I may not know who, but someone will help.”

The AV of self-compassion also silences the lies propagated by the fear of shame. I was able to let Joey’s concerns bounce right off me because I knew and believed that asking for help is the right thing to do. With self-compassion, you will feel the same.

Finally, self-compassion dispels the fear of surrender. It encourages us to let go of ego and surrender ourselves to the care of others. The ego hates this idea. It doesn’t want you to experience the feeling of shelter and security in the caring arms of another. Self-compassion gives us permission to surrender to the talents, creativity and genius of our chosen helpmates.

THE APPLIED VIRTUE MATRIX

Applied Virtue	Definition	The Emotional Seed	Combined with	The Hidden Message
Compassion	A desire to alleviate the suffering of others	Sympathy: an understanding of another's suffering	A desire to act on behalf of someone else	Others are deserving of help
Self-Compassion	A desire to alleviate our own suffering	Sympathy: an understanding of our own suffering	A desire to act on one's own behalf	You are deserving of help

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Self-Compassion’s Effect on our Bodies and Minds

The reciprocal action between emotion/body and language is essential to the Mayday! process. As you adopt any of the applied virtues, your language and physical presence will reflect these new and powerful emotional states. In turn, your mayday signals will reflect these same positive feelings.

At the moment you experience self-compassion, you will notice, if you pay attention, physical changes. Your breathing will deepen and become more uniform. You might even release a sigh of relief. Nervous energy will immediately begin to dissipate.

With self-compassion, you will feel somehow softer. Anytime you struggle to make it all work, to get everything done, to fulfill every need, your body prepares for the onslaught of activity. It becomes rigid, like a suit of armor designed to support and protect you. With too much use, the armor can become a cage. If you choose to be self-compassionate, your protective covering loses its inflexibility. Where there was stiffness, there is now a gentle softness. Your muscles loosen and your hands unclench. You might even feel the muscles around your eyes relaxing. A scowl or knitted brow will be replaced with an understanding smile.

In addition to changing you physically, self-compassion also transforms your words. A peaceful knowingness accompanies self-compassion. Previous beliefs about who you are and what you need no longer have relevance. You now see yourself differently: not as someone who needs to be protected, but as someone seeking flow, connection, and love. Your inner chatter changes, too. “I don’t want to bother anyone,” becomes “It is time I allowed myself some help.” Your language and word choice become less abusive and more caring. Instead of “lazy,” you’ll refer to yourself as “deserving.” You will emphatically agree that it’s high time you gave yourself a break. Any mayday signal you send at this point will accurately represent your conviction that you deserve to ask for help and all the treasures it has to offer.

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Acting from Self-Compassion

What happens when we apply the AV of self-compassion to our lives? We breathe and relax knowing we deserve to make our mayday calls. We decide to ask for the help we need. We exhibit self-care.

The AV of self-compassion moves you toward your furthest potentialities by causing you to act deliberately on your own behalf. With compassion for yourself, you instinctively ask for the help you need.

Just as compassion alleviates the suffering of others, compassion for ourselves enables us to ease our own anguish and to lovingly care for ourselves. This is self-care, not to be confused with selfishness. Selfish people focus on their own needs to the exclusion of others. Pure self-ishness is a rare phenomenon. Instead, what seems more common is self-neglect. So concerned with others we ignore, sometimes quite cruelly, our own suffering. Self-compassion does not give you permission to ignore another’s pain; it does gives you permission to pay attention to your own.

Learning Self-Compassion

At first, the AV of self-compassion may feel unfamiliar, even uncomfortable. The ego will react and tell you that you are being self-centered. With discipline and a little practice, you can begin to realize the tender rewards described in Chapter 3. Simplicity, flow, and connection can all be yours . . . just for the asking.

I finally got the lesson about self-care that my friends had tried to teach me over many years. It became clear to me what I was doing to myself when I refused to apply a little self-compassion and take it easy on myself.

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During a guided visualization, an image came to me that was startling. In my mind’s eye, I saw a young boy walking, really limping, toward me from a nearby grove of trees. Dressed in rags, he walked with the help of a makeshift crutch. As he moved closer, I could see how badly hurt he was. His face and skinny little arms were covered in dirt and bruises. A little blood was encrusted on his forehead.

I was shocked at the abuse he had taken. I felt intense compassion for this little boy. He crawled into my lap, placing his head just over my heart. I put my arms around him.

“Who did this to you?” I asked.

“You did,” he replied.

I was taken aback, and even in a meditative state, I could feel my breath become shallow. (I feel it even now.) I asked, “What? How is that possible?”

This little boy raised his face to mine—I could barely look at him—and he explained, “Anytime you decided not to accept the help of another, anytime you refused to care for yourself, anytime you neglected your own spirit, I was injured. These are the bruises of years of futile effort and needless isolation.”

My epiphany. The meaning of self-compassion was made real to me in that visualization.

This little boy, whom I later named Bruised Bobby, represented the innocent and powerless part of my psyche. It had never occurred to me that each time I chose self-sufficiency over self-care I was injuring part of myself. Every rejected opportunity was recorded on this little guy’s broken body. Bobby was certainly deserving of better care, and seeing this, I realized I was too.

You have your own version of Bruised Bobby. You may not have met him yet, but he’s there. Each time you refuse the virtue of self-compassion, you do harm to yourself.

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Conjure your own inner child. Spend some time meditating on the existence of that little boy or girl and the lessons he or she has to teach you about self-compassion. Ask yourself, “Do I not deserve better care? As an adult, am I really any different than the child inside me? Don’t I deserve to be cared for and helped?”

TRY THIS LEARNING TO BE SELF - COMPASSIONATE

Try out these approaches to acquiring and practicing self-compassion:

• Look at your needs compared to the needs of others whom you have helped in the past. Ask yourself, “Is my situation really any less deserving of attention?”
• Hire a housecleaner or a grocery delivery service or some other service you might consider a luxury. If you find yourself resisting, ask yourself, “Don’t I deserve to be pampered?” It’s important not to go to an extreme here; you don’t want to overextend yourself financially. But allowing an indulgence every once in a while is a self-compassionate thing to do.
• Whenever you exercise or go for a walk, repeat a mantra to yourself. The combination of body movement and language mantra will help shift your emotional state toward self-compassion. Use the following or make up your own: “I have needs that I cannot meet alone. I need and deserve help.”
• Stick a picture of yourself as a child on your refrigerator. Every time you look at it, remind yourself that there is still, within you, a child looking to be cared for.

Changing Perceptions with the AV of Self-Compassion

The AV of self-compassion alters our perceptions, changing how we view the world. Instead of seeing life as a battle or a race—two common metaphors—we can look at it as a journey of exploration and growth. Instead of trying to achieve specific goals by a certain age, in effect, pushing for control, self-compassion returns us to the flow. Rather than manage everything around us, self-compassion encourages us to surrender to the mysterious magic of life.

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Our world becomes different with self-compassion. Days become long enough; we find the time to squeeze in small acts of self-care like relaxing vacations, golf games, and massages. We find it’s possible to get to the gym or go for a run. We stop working on the weekends. We schedule time to think and to just be. Interruptions no longer annoy us, instead we see them as chances to break away for a moment, opportunities to be involved in another’s life.

Our compassion for others deepens, too. As we learn to recognize the signs of our own distress, we begin to notice those same signals in those around us. With these new eyes, we encourage others to take a break or we offer help.

With self-compassion we no longer worry about whether or not we should ask for help. Of course we should!

The Choice: The AV of Self-Compassion

A mindful choice is required to generate all applied virtues, including self-compassion. Just like me, you’ve probably already tried doing it all on your own. That isn’t working, is it? The status quo—doing it alone—hasn’t turned out so well. Perhaps it is time for you to activate self-compassion; to choose between what you have always done, habits of work and interaction that no longer serve you, and something new and unfamiliar, a chance to alleviate your own suffering.

Adopting the AV of self-compassion, life suddenly becomes easier, and the decision we agonized over no longer seems so hard. Cutting yourself a break brings you a softer existence, one that’s not built with the rigidity of self-sufficiency. No longer feeling as though you have to do it all, and do it all well, you find yourself within the flow of life. Remember, being in the flow is easy, being out of it is what makes life hard. Choosing to be self-compassionate takes you back to the river.

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The unhappy reality is that many of us do go to that place of desperation before we are able to choose self-compassion. Sometimes we have to break down before we see how hard we’ve been on ourselves.

Let’s finish Amy’s story from Chapter 4. Her father had developed symptoms of severe dementia and Amy had chosen, quite unselfishly, to care for him during this awful time. But Amy went a little too far in her efforts to help her father. Along the way, she completely forgot about caring for herself. She felt excruciatingly guilty whenever she thought about leaving him to go out with friends. Between work and caring for her father, Amy had exhausted herself.

I had suggested to her that she deserved a little time to herself. Amy fought the suggestion, believing that caring for her father was her responsibility alone, and that leaving him was tantamount to abandonment. Our conversation was wholly unsatisfying to Amy. I didn’t hear from her for a long time after that. Finally, she called and told me what happened.

Amy visited her storage unit one day to retrieve an item. She was caught off guard by the mementos and belongings she had locked away. They reminded her of the life she had left behind. These memories caused an emotional shift within her. She swung from guilt and self-recrimination to one of possibility and self-compassion.

She explained, “Something about seeing all my belongings—I realized that I had put way too much pressure on myself. It suddenly occurred to me that I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I had to do something different. I had to find help for me and for my dad.”

The next morning Amy started looking for help. She began by calling someone she barely knew, a woman who was in a similar situation. By the end of the call, Amy had a list of resources and services that catered to families of Alzheimer patients. She even found one church-based organization that offered free care for two to four hours a week. This was perfect for Amy. It gave her enough time to pamper herself and relax. None of this would have happened had Amy not shifted toward self-compassion and understood that she deserved care as much as her father did.

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Applying Self-Compassion to Asking for Help

Let’s put it all together. At this point in the Mayday! process you see a gap between what your current state is and what you’d like it to be. You’ve spent some time clarifying, as best you can, what your need is. Now, it’s time to generate enough self-compassion for yourself so that you truly believe, in your bones, that you deserve to send out a mayday signal—to ask for help.

TRY THIS WHY YOU DESERVE HELP

• Write a letter to yourself. As you write, imagine you are your best friend or closest buddy. From his or her perspective, write why you deserve the help you seek.
• Now write a short note, from yourself, in response. In your note, commit to making a mayday call.

When you invite applied virtue into your life, things change. The applied virtue of self-compassion changes you physically, softening you, leaving you open and vulnerable. At the same time, self-compassion changes the way you view your world. It moves you away from believing that you are less worthy than others of receiving a gift of help. It directs you toward a vision that will liberate you so you can expe- rience flow, simplicity, personal growth, and deeper connection with those around you. Self-compassion moves you to act on your own behalf, to take that step that your loved ones want you to take, to ask for help.

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Gina’s Story of Self-Compassion

Gina learned to apply the virtue of self-compassion to her life, but only after much anguish. A young mother with an out-of-work husband, Gina found herself supporting her family not just financially, but emotionally as well. She was also newly promoted to a position of great responsibility within her company. Gina was under great pressure as many people were relying on her.

For the past year she spent her energy focusing on her son, her husband, and her direct reports, neglecting herself in the process. She put on weight, started to smoke again, and weakly suppressed her own depression that had begun to take root soon after her husband lost his job. Gina felt very much alone and abandoned by the world.

I met Gina just as she was about to fall apart. Her supervisor called me in to speak with her, and in our first session together it became clear to me that, in addition to coaching, Gina needed professional psychological care.

In our first meeting, I learned what terrified Gina and how little compassion she had for herself. First, she was afraid of failing at work. How could she take time off to deal with anything when so many others were relying on her (fear of surrender)? In addition, she felt pressure to perform (fear of shame), and she was sure she’d never get another promotion, given how badly her current performance level was. In fact she was worried that she might lose her job (fear of separation).

Second, Gina believed that her needs were secondary to those of her toddler son and struggling husband. And the company culture also promoted the idea that the team must always come first. There was no room for Gina and her problems in this scenario. To Gina, everyone else seemed more needy and deserving.

Clutching a tissue in one hand and holding a cigarette in the other, Gina cried, “No one is going to help me! I just have to deal with this situation on my own.”

My heart went out to her. I spent the rest of our session coaching Gina on the power of self-compassion. By the end of our first meeting, Gina had agreed to ask for help four times. First, she would call the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and make arrangements to meet with a psychologist or psychiatrist. Second, with the assistance of her coach and the EAP service, she would ask for time off. Third, she would ask her mother to care for her son for the next few days while she drove to the family cottage to rest. Finally, she was going to speak with her husband and ask him for his understanding and patience.

Gina deliberately chose to be self-compassionate, and in turn, it changed her life. She had tried doing it alone. Her physical and mental condition would no longer allow her to go on without assistance. She had little choice but to learn how to ask for help, and she did so by ignoring her fears and relying on the Applied Virtues.

What happened to Gina as a result of this deliberate choice to be self-compassionate? EAP jumped to her aid and convinced her boss that she was moving toward a breakdown. Immediately, she received permission to take four weeks off, which was eventually extended to eight. Gina’s mother agreed, without hesitation, to care for her son for the weekend. Though Gina’s husband didn’t really understand, he accepted that she needed to be cared for.

Gina returned home, packed a bag and headed to the cabin in the woods. Once there, Gina slept for sixteen hours straight. When she awoke, she went for a walk, ate, and then slept another eight hours. Two days later, reassured by the help she had received and rested from the time alone, she rejoined her family. Within a week, she began to attend therapy and coaching sessions.

Three months later, Gina had completely changed her life for the better. Her relationship with her husband improved; they began to rely on each other more than they had before. She no longer worked thirty hours of overtime every week. Instead, possessed by the value of self-compassion, Gina became very protective of her time. Her energy returned, her excess weight disappeared, and her smoking habit was finally broken.

Gina experienced a serious breakdown. The moment I met her, I feared for her. Her desperation was palpable. She required a substantial shift in thinking and being. Her mind was focused on the wrong things and her body was no longer strong enough to enable any kind of personal change. She learned very quickly that the AV of self-compassion was the only way she could cry Mayday! She had to ask for help.