CHAPTER 5

LITTLE IS THE NEW BIG

Little things take so little energy for all the good they produce. Only when we recognize the little things can we understand the bigger picture, and only when we do little things for others can we appreciate how truly big we are.

Ending on the littlest finger is no accident. My pinky delivered the biggest lesson—that every journey is made up of little steps. For me, the return of sensation to my pinky was the biggest Thumbs Up of all. It meant my hand was whole. The doctors concurred. With lots of physical therapy, I would achieve 100 percent use of my right hand and arm. Little was the new big.

Little is how we all begin. As children we make pinky swears—do-or-die promises between friends. As an adult, my pinky now serves as a promise to myself to cherish those little things and moments that add up to a rich life.

Little actions enlarge and enrich our lives. A word of encouragement, a wistful wink, a soft touch, a forgiving thought, a kind gesture, a little prayer are messengers of hope.

Little things don’t cost much but they are invaluable. A handwritten thank you at the bottom of your rent check. A note tucked into your spouse’s briefcase or lunch bag. A text to your favorite teacher after a great class. A sunset with someone you love. Paying the toll for the driver behind you. Forgiving someone you said you would never forgive.

Little things amaze. Requiring minimal energy, they deliver maximum impact. In recognizing the small wonders, we begin to grasp the world at large. Small acts for others demonstrate how truly big we can be. Even praying a little helps us feel the hand of God.

Ironically, we are taught to accomplish big things, but it’s the little ones that count. Moments along the way create momentum in our lives, which in turn can create a life that is momentous.

LITTLE GROWS BIG

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn,” which reminds me of A Sound of Thunder by Ray Bradbury, a story about a time traveler, Eckels, who lives in the year 2055. One day he traveled back millions of years to get a glimpse of the dinosaurs. Time travel rules stated that he could not step off the designated path. He saw plenty of prehistoric life, though in his excitement he stepped off the path and squashed a butterfly.

When Eckels returned to the year 2055, he realized the death of the butterfly, which had seemed small, caused a series of events changing his environment and the future in a big way—even altering the outcome of an election, 65 million years later.

Life works the same way as “the butterfly effect.” Little things beget big things. A meeting, a memo, even a small memento can change your destiny.

LITTLE THINGS CAN HAVE BIG MEANING

In 1941 the German Jewish psychiatrist Viktor Frankl had to make a big decision: Should he stay in Vienna to take care of his aging parents or flee to the United States to escape the Nazis?

Looking for a hint from heaven, he was rewarded. Upon visiting his family’s home, Frankl found a memento from a synagogue that had been leveled by the Nazis. It was a piece of rubble—a fragment from a copy of the Ten Commandments. It said, Honor thy mother and father. With that sign, he stayed and served his parents.

Unfortunately, Frankl was sent to a concentration camp. As prisoner #119104, Frankl helped his fellow inmates face the horrors of the Holocaust. In doing so, he discovered that having a purpose determined whether you would survive or perish.

My favorite book, Man’s Search For Meaning, was Frankl’s testament to the power of this greater meaning in our lives. By encouraging us to search for meaning over money, he touched millions of lives, including mine.

Some time ago, a big company wanted to buy out my agency. It would have made me a very wealthy man, but there was a catch. I would have to give up the name BrightHouse and my company’s purpose—to brighten the world of business. I did lots of soul searching.

Staring out at the clouds while on a flight to New York to meet my suitor, I, too, asked for a sign from heaven. Reaching into the seat pocket in front of me for a magazine, I found instead a book that someone had left behind. It was Man’s Search For Meaning, and it ended my search for an answer.

THE LITTLEST DIAMOND SHINES THE BRIGHTEST

My maternal grandmother, Mae, lived 103 years, but at age fifty, she thought her life was over. It was the 1950s and she was getting a divorce. At the time the “D” word was a stigma that said you had failed. She felt shame, hurt, and anger, and she was practically broke. My mother encouraged her to take a trip and leave her worries behind. So she did.

On her fateful train ride to St. Louis, a man named Harry asked if he could join her for lunch. She agreed and a delicious conversation ensued. By the time they reached St. Louis, they had agreed to have dinner there. That meal led to more meals and another city, New York, where Harry took Mae dancing.

Whoops—Mae broke her heel while dancing. Harry told her not to worry, that he could get another pair of shoes around the corner. “But it’s nearly midnight,” she said.

Harry and Mae arrived at a swanky shoe store called Chandlers on Fifth Avenue. He took a key from his pocket and opened the store’s Lalique doors. My grandmother was stunned. “Can you get in trouble for this?” she asked.

He answered, “No worries, Mazie,” as he had started to call her. “Pick out any pair. I work here and I get a special discount. I will let the store manager know tomorrow.” She chose a pair and she and Harry returned to the dance floor.

A three-month courtship followed. One evening after dining at a New York City coffee shop, Harry proposed, offering Mae a tiny sliver of a diamond. When Mae gave him a big yes, Harry pulled out a Tiffany box and bedazzled his intended with a spectacular five-carat diamond in a platinum setting.

Turns out Harry was Harry Edison of Edison Brothers of St. Louis, the largest shoe business in the world at the time. The company owned many shoe chains, including Chandlers. This piece of family history reminds me that little happenstances like breaking a heel can lead to life’s most priceless gems.

THE LITTLEST BIG SPEECH

Being optimistic is an attitude. Reaching altitude takes pointing to your purpose and having the courage to take action. Your deed need not be big. One small gesture can have a large and lasting impact.

I was to give a speech in Atlanta during a rainstorm of biblical proportion. Instead of the 200 people we expected, one woman sat alone in the audience. I told my publicist and then-agent, Robyn Spizman, who had accompanied me to the talk, that I would apologize to the lady and call off the speech. No way was I going to stand up and give an hour talk to one person.

Robyn saw things differently. “You are booked. You have an audience and that woman is going to hear the greatest speech of her life,” she told me.

Unnerved, I walked out on stage and did my best to deliver to her heart what I had in mine.

At the end of the talk, I heard the sound of two hands clapping. They belonged to Robyn. The woman in the audience had left without a word.

On the way home I lamented to Robyn how tough it was to give a talk to someone who was busy writing in her notebook the whole time and how disappointing it was that she left silently. Six months later, however, I received a letter from that very same woman recounting that evening and the months that followed. She wanted me to know that the speech about the hand had changed her life. The woman had written down as much as she could, confident that the words were meant just for her. The next day she started to make positive changes in her life. She told me, “Due to loving, not just living, my life, my cancer has gone into remission.”

I will forever remember the littlest speech I ever gave as my biggest.

A LITTLE T.L.C.

There is nothing more powerful than the combination of tenderness, love, and care. To be tender is to protect as a tender mother, to express gentle emotion with a tender glance, and to be soft with a tender heart. Tender also means fragile, which we all are at one time or another.

Remember the common shipping instruction: Fragile. Handle with care. Showing love is how we share our tenderness. Not keeping how you feel to yourself but being affectionate. Caring is using your deep knowledge of another to help them grow. When it comes to kindness and a little T.L.C., always default to yes.

A LITTLE PRESENCE

Much has been written about the rewards of living in the moment. But being present by yourself is not nearly as cool as being fully present for someone you love. This is hard to do while tethered to technology, as so many of us are.

In 2013 I wrote a fun article for LittlePinkBook.com titled “10 BlackBerry Commandments.” These rules for connection apply equally to all mobile devices. The commandments ranged from “Thou shall not take the BlackBerry to any table with food or family since a BlackBerry is not a fruit, nor does it come from a tree” to “Thou shall not BlackBerry in lieu of responding to a child’s request (e.g., ‘Wait a second, I’m reading something.’).”

Never let tech take the place of touch. Presence is all about staying in touch, being in touch, and creating touching moments or peak moments, as I like to call them. Peak moments are magical little snippets of time that come about when you and others are so present, so in touch, so in sync, so on the same page, and so full of joy that you feel perfect harmony.

Relationships are like pianos. They need to be tuned every day. Do this and your relationship will sing. How do you do this? Stay tuned in to your partner’s thoughts, desires, and frustrations. Most important, be a friend of his or her excitement.

Today can only be joyful if we are joy-filled. And the only way to be filled with joy is to fill another with joy. Who will you fill with joy today?

A LITTLE WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Grandma Mae became a rich woman in many ways when she met Harry. She was able to pay for my college education, something my parents could not do. I attended Brandeis University, where I majored in American Studies. It was a default major for someone like myself who had no compelling interests. That was the case until I wrote a paper for one of my courses, Class Struggle in America. Unlike my peers, who wrote well-researched papers on the subject, I had a different idea.

My thesis statement was, “If you’re wealthy and born Christian, you aspire to become Jewish. If you’re wealthy and born Jewish, you aspire to become Christian.” I received a B+ with the following note from the professor: “Joey, your quantitative data leaves me with big questions and your conclusion is far-fetched, if not preposterous. But boy, can you write!”

Those last five words changed my life. I had been given a thumbs up. With the stroke of another’s pen, I had become a writer.

What words of encouragement are you giving to those who need it most?

The word “encouragement” has the same root as the word “courage.” It is from the Old French word courage, which means heart. So when we give encouragement, we are giving heart to another person.

A LITTLE WORD OF CAUTION

The word “character” comes from the Greek word karakter, which means an engraved mark or imprint on the soul. When someone speaks ill of another, they leave a mark on that person’s reputation. One little word that wrongs another can strike as hard as a fist.

There is a story about a New York City man who gossiped wrongly about his neighbor. Unfortunately, he did not do his research. The man he maligned was a mensch, which is the Yiddish word for a person with a strong moral and ethical sense.

Feeling guilty, the man called to apologize for the inaccurate communication. “Meet me atop the Empire State Building,” the gentleman said, “and we will talk about it.”

The two men met. The neighbor came with a down pillow. He said, “My friend, a man’s reputation is like a feathered pillow. When you cut him, you cut the pillow.” At that moment, he tore open the pillow and thousands of feathers flew across Manhattan. “To put that reputation back together,” he said, “is no less difficult than to get all those feathers back in the pillow.”

I believe that most people don’t do wrong but are wronged. Remember the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Better yet, do unto others as they would have you do unto them. That is real empathy. It’s easy to criticize others. What takes real talent is lifting others up.

A LITTLE UNDERSTANDING

One of the most valuable gems I have acquired along my life journey is the knowledge that I cannot change people—I can only try to understand them better. Through the lens of understanding we see people more clearly and dearly. What’s more, they see us as friends who want to understand them rather than judge them.

Try it. Think about someone in your life—it might even be you—whom you have judged. Now put on your understanding hat and feel what happens. When you know people, you grow people.

Imagine if warring countries practiced understanding one another rather than judging each other. The promise of peace would be closer at hand, just as it is with people we try to understand.

A LITTLE NOTE ABOUT HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

The body’s tiniest response can have huge consequences. Take blinking. Your eyes blink 60,000 times a day without a thought, protecting the eyes and keeping them moist. But what happens when you want to send a message to someone with a wink?

You put purpose into a blink and the blink becomes a wink!

My first date with Cynthia was actually a blind date. We ate breakfast together at the Ritz-Carlton in October 1989. We both ordered eggs and stared into each other’s eyes. Then I winked and Cynthia winked back. Those two little winks led to romance, marriage, two amazing children, two horses, three chickens, two parakeets, and Lucy the cat.

A LITTLE THING THAT LED US HOME

When my wife and I began searching for a house, we were shown a grand Tudor full of intricate detail and hand-carved moldings. The agent almost had us sold, but we couldn’t get past the fact that this Hogwarts-like house sat on a lot of less than a quarter acre. In a last-ditch effort to sell us, the agent said, “You and Cynthia are a prince and a princess; you need a castle. Not some little cottage like the one down the block.”

That little comment led to us buy that “little cottage,” which sits on two beautiful acres, that we still live in twenty-four years later.

A LITTLE FASHION ADVICE

Nurses’ outfits say healing. Firemen’s outfits say protecting. Your outfits say, “This is me.” So if you want to be the best you, take a trip to your closet.

Pick out your favorite outfits and wear only those. Our favorite outfits make us feel and become more confident.

A LITTLE MEASURE OF WONDER

We grow the way we are measured. How are you measured? If it’s by your net worth, your self-worth will suffer. If you’re measured by how you look, you may be admired today but will lose face tomorrow. If it is by your power, that, too, will pass.

Here’s my rule of thumb: By age sixty-five you will have had the potential to witness more than 200,000 sunsets. My wife and I keep track of how many sunsets we have seen. At the writing of this book, we have seen 525 full sunsets, and nine of them presented us with the green flash. When conditions are just right, a green ray of sunshine is visible above the upper rim of the disk of the sun for a second or two. But for us, it lasts longer because that green light is a GO sign. It says go on, go for it, go for broke, and go for the gold. It says raise your thumb in praise of this daily miracle.

Find your sunset tonight. As the sun bows to earth, know this: Behind our torment is beauty, ready and waiting to make its debut.

My idea of people who measure up has changed, too. When I was younger I admired clever people. Now in my sixties, I look up to kind people. Kindness is everything. It has more value than any material gift, because it cannot be bought.

Sure, it’s nice to be important. But it’s more important to be nice.

A LITTLE PRICELESS

How much do you think the following things would cost if you had to buy them? What would you pay to see a flower bloom, to skip a rock across a lake, or to sit under the stars? I remember on one of our first dates my wife took me to Mulholland Drive in Los Angeles, near where she grew up. We were sitting in her convertible and she told me to close my eyes, stand up, and put my hand out. She moved it up ever so slightly.

“Open your eyes,” she commanded. There sitting atop my outstretched hand was the fullest moon I had ever seen.

“I give you this moon, Joey,” she memorably said.

A LITTLE GESTURE

Sometimes one gesture can kick-start a life. I remember trying out for the swim team in junior high school. I was not an especially good student, so I thought sports might be my thing. Turns out I was not an especially good swimmer, either.

I had a crush on a girl who would come to my swim trials. Just before my qualifying meet, I saw her in the stands. A second before the starting pistol went off, she gave me a thumbs up. Bang. I set a school record that day. More important, I set a course for myself and learned that a little gesture can lead to a big life.

A LITTLE GIFT

Here is a gift. It might seem a little weird, but I promise it works. The next time you buy something for yourself, have it gift-wrapped. When you get home, leave your present on the dining room table. Then go out. When you come back home and open the door, I guarantee that you will smile. Look, there’s a present and it’s just for you!

A LITTLE MORNING RITUAL

We all know what happens when we wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Let me share a trick I use to get going in the right direction. Go to the carpet store and buy a small remnant of red carpet. Before going to sleep at night, place the carpet near your bed so you step on it first thing in the morning. It might not feel like sashaying down the red carpet in Hollywood, but it will send a message to your brain that today, and every day, you deserve red carpet treatment.

A LITTLE LIKE IS CONTAGIOUS

When we sign up for Facebook, we agree to let them use our data to improve their service. Back in 2012, Facebook conducted an experiment. They sent 600,000 users a news report that was not true but was of a positive nature. Then they transmitted a negative one. Facebook assessed the posts that followed. Guess what? Those who received positive news sent positive news to their friends, while those who got negative reports conveyed thumbs-down messages to their contacts.

Good is viral. Take the phenomenon of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis is a devastating neurodegenerative disease that often leaves its victims totally paralyzed.

In 2014, the ALS Association created the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. People all over the world, including Oprah and dozens of other celebrities, poured a bucket of ice water over their heads and challenged others to do the same or make a donation to fight ALS. Many people did both. The ALS Association soaked up nearly $100 million in donations and close to 2.5 million videos were splashed over the internet.

The challenge worked because liking is contagious, especially so when it’s about a positive cause. One thing you can be positive about is that every plus multiplies.

Think of the mint on the pillow. When hotels place a morsel of chocolate on the bed, it creates a like. Enough likes turn into love. Try a like today. Place a Hershey’s Kiss on your partner’s keyboard, a sweet note on the steering wheel, or a flower on the pillow.

A LITTLE WORD MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE

“And” kicks “but.” That’s because “and” builds and “but” is an obstacle. “And” is a go; “but” is a stop. Next time you are talking, try replacing “but” with “and”—see what happens. Remember, it’s not what you say, it’s what people hear.

Another power-packed word is “great.” Tell someone they are great and you can turn their world rightside up. Try:

“Great job!”

“You are a great communicator!”

“That project turned out great.”

And how about the butt-kicking word, “imagine”?! Especially when used at the beginning of a sentence, “imagine” is the key that unlocks your imagination, an open invitation to think as big as you wish. Listen to John Lennon sing “Imagine.” Then imagine the world for yourself.

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO SLEEP ON

Turns out that a little snooze is a big deal. We are built to have two rest cycles. Those circadian rhythms peak twice every twenty-four hours, so the second cycle lands in the middle of the afternoon. A siesta after lunch improves alertness, memory, creativity, and even your sex life, while reducing the chance of burnout and heart attack.

Painter Salvador Dalí would hold a spoon in his hand as he dozed. When the spoon dropped from his hand to the floor he was done. Just fifteen minutes in dreamland can replace that energy drink and refresh your body, mind, and spirit. I know it’s hard to grab some shuteye in a world that won’t shut down, but finding a little time and a little place in your office to rest your head will keep you ahead of the rest.

A LITTLE MOVEMENT

I’m a Baby Boomer, part of the post–World War II baby boom born between 1946 and 1964. My generation is often characterized by our stuff, the things we’ve accumulated over the years. The trouble for many is that you can’t get enough of what you don’t need. I have yet to see a U-Haul behind a hearse.

I often think of my generation not as Boomers but Kaboomers—people whose lives went kaboom when they finally realized that things don’t bring happiness, people do.

In retrospect, it was the little things that made the biggest impact on my life. The first Father’s Day card from my son, the first Father’s Day card from both of my sons, love letters from my wife, and emails from my students telling me that the class I teach at Emory University has changed their lives.

So there is hope for Boomers who became Kaboomers. We can start loving people and using things instead of using people. Then, the original flower children can call themselves Bloomers.

A LITTLE AD-VICE

Ads can be a vice. I spent twenty years in advertising selling people optical illusions. More than $500 billion is spent every year by advertisers trying to convince people to spend money they don’t have on things they don’t need to impress people they don’t know.

Ads don’t add up. That’s why I left my Mad Men world to pursue a career in creating glad men and women in the business world, working for executives who believe that good and service trump goods and services.

Imagine your life untainted by the 10,000 media messages you are bombarded with every day. Here is how you do it: Subtract the ad. If you still like the product or service, buy it. I bet if you do, it will be the result of little positive actions that companies are taking to make your world a little better. Little acts of kindness, such as sponsoring a charity walk or supplying free products to those in need, are the ads of the future.

A LITTLE WALK CAN GO A LONG WAY

The poet Wallace Stevens wrote, “Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake.” Interestingly, Steve Jobs held walking meetings. He believed that walking was as important as talking, and when you put them together, you produce better solutions.

At BrightHouse, we have an expression inspired by the inventor and polymath Leonardo da Vinci: Learn your craft and walk away. So during creative working sessions, we don’t take breaks, we take walk-aways. Putting distance between what you did and what can be done brings new ideas closer. You will find that walking away even for a moment can lead to discovery. A stroll gets you on a roll. And if you want to feel six feet higher than you do right now, take a walk through the nearest cemetery.

A LITTLE BREATH OF FRESH AIR

“Yoga” means union. And that is what happens on the mat. When you do yoga, your body, mind, and spirit unionize. Do it enough and that feeling of union becomes part of your life. When union becomes part of your every day, the biggest lie in life is revealed: that we are separate from one another. Separateness takes us apart. Yoga puts us back together.

At the center of yoga practice is the breathing that centers us. This breathing gives us a glimpse into the powerful union of a clear mind, a stretched body, and a strong spirit—the most important “muscle” in the human body.

The poses are challenging, but I have found that breathing through them creates calm and cuts through anxiety. Remember, the word “inspire” is from the Latin inspirare, which means to breathe. Throughout the day, I will take a deep breath and hold it for a count of three. Exhale at the count of eight. Do it again and again. Remind yourself that three-eight rhymes with create.

Invest in a yoga class and learn how to breathe. Until I did, breathing was something that I took for granted. Now it grants me a little peace and harmony.

A LITTLE HOMEWORK

Go to the place where you feel most comfortable. It might be a dance studio, an orchard, a park, the lake, the ocean, your school, or your home.

This place of comfort is where your light lives. It’s the joy in your heart. Your job from this day forward is to take that light to all the places in your life. When you bring home to work, you will have completed your homework.

A LITTLE WISDOM

The wisest people on earth are often those who have been here the longest—our elders. After age forty we lose about a half inch of height every decade. So ironically, as time goes by, people get little. But our oldest have the tallest order: to pass down what keeps us up. How do they do it? The clock has not always given them a kind hand.

While writing this book, I visited a nursing home in Atlanta. The third floor is the Alzheimer’s unit. They keep the doors secure so patients don’t wander off. What happens instead is that these people wander off in their minds as they sit, often in wheelchairs.

I pulled up a chair to chat with a former Navy airship pilot, ninety-three-year-old Jack, or Honey as he is called by those who adore him, which is everyone. His wife of sixty-seven years, Phyllis, holds his hand in hers. Alzheimer’s is like a mental lost and found. You lose your memory, which is everything, and then you find it for a moment.

I am lucky enough to have witnessed one of those moments. Phyllis asked, “Do you love me?” Honey smiled at his bride and sang, “More than a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.” Then Honey gave me a thumbs up, a gesture firmly embedded in his mind. That is the secret of life from a man whose mind wanders but whose heart and positive outlook are firmly grounded.

And here is proof that wisdom comes with age. When I was twenty-one my eighty-year-old grandfather, Opa, told me, “There’s nothing in life like a good scare.” He was talking about that feeling you get when you think you are sick and anticipate the worst. Then you find out you are okay and you vow a new lease on life.

“Suddenly, the world looks so fresh and you count your blessings. Why must we scare ourselves into being happy and thankful?” Opa asked. “Instead, what if we lived as if we are going to die? Which we will. So how about treasuring every day as if it were our last?” They were not his last words, but they certainly lasted with me.

A LITTLE STORY ABOUT THIS STORY

Let me share a story about how this book came about. It was 1986. I had ordered new checks from my bank, but they never arrived. They were delivered instead to well-known Atlanta author, book promoter, and daughter of Honey, Robyn Spizman. When she saw my name on the checks, she remembered a speech that I had given.

Robyn came to my office with my checks and a plan to turn my talk about being Thumbs Up into a book. Almost three decades later, I still keep one of those checks framed to remind me that we write our own check for the amount of good fortune we want in our lives.

Looking back, I know it was not a postal mix-up. It was a special delivery. As the Italian poet Dante put it, “From a little spark bursts a mighty flame.”

A LITTLE PEACE OF BUSINESS

Business is now part of every human endeavor, so how should commerce redefine its new and important role in the world? Perhaps the answer is in the root of the word “competition,” from the Latin competere, which means to thrive together.

“Purpose” is the mantra of my global consultancy, BrightHouse, which has built a reputation on the powerful notion that greater purpose in business can make the world a brighter place. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes many capable leaders to elevate a company. People who have each other’s backs are always in front of their competitors. Everyone needs support to step out into a complex and an often unforgiving world. Knowing they are part of a band of brothers and sisters is gratifying and exciting.

Having all we need paves the way for giving others what they need. This takes business from a myopic focus on the bottom line to the front lines of the world where the terrors of inhumanity and inequality play out. The question becomes, “Now that the world is burning, what must business do?”

The answer is the shift from sustaining the life of business to inspiring the business of life. Then, commerce will dedicate itself to the highest levels of humanity—to do no harm, to stand in harm’s way, and to make way for an era of caring, compassionate, peace-filled commerce.

When big business is the goal, bigness is the result. What if the dream of business were instead more peace in the world? I am not suggesting that your P&L should stand for “Peace & Love,” but we grow the way we are measured. If business’s yardstick were how happy it could make the world, we would have new economic indicators. Take a look at the country of Bhutan, which has moved from measuring GDP (Gross Domestic Product) to measuring GNH (Gross National Happiness). It takes into account psychological well-being, health, education, time use, cultural diversity, resilience, good governance, community vitality, ecological diversity, and living standards.

When we learn that peace in business is more valuable than winning your next piece of business, the world of business will have truly won.

A LITTLE EMPATHY

Empathy is to be one with another’s feelings. McGill University empathy expert Anita Nowak asked me to imagine that I’m passing by a person who is in a hole and trying to get out. If I pass by the hole to look down at the person, Nowak told me, that is pity. If I feel badly for him, that is sympathy. If I give him a sandwich because I think he might be hungry down in that hole, that is compassion.

But if I get down in the hole and help the person climb out, we are talking empathy. I experienced this firsthand as the person in the hole when I fell into depression. My wife Cynthia crawled down into my pit with no pity. And she took what Nowak calls empathic action. Her deep listening, constancy of love, and devotion to being present for me were the rungs on my ladder out of that hole.

Feeling pity is like stepping on people. Feeling empathy is living in their shoes. The path to empathy is not to think of others as others. Othering destroys empathy. The only way to empathy is feeling another’s feelings as our own, as if we were saving ourselves.

Empathy is the glue of great relationships. It creates a bond of trust where each person feels the other has his or her back. Each supports the other’s dreams. And each knows they are safe and secure. Each becomes number two to the other. The result is that the relationship becomes number one.

A LITTLE PRESENT ON YOUR BIRTHDAY

My grandfather Opa lived until he was eighty-eight years old. I will never forget his birthday parties, because no one was allowed to bring presents. He used to say that birthdays were not for presents but for celebrating being loved and being present. So, instead of collecting gifts, he would give each of us a present in gratitude for being a part of his life.

A LITTLE ATTENTION BEATS A TON OF INTENTION

Relationships thrive when we are attentive to each other. As I learned over the last twenty-four years of my marriage, our good intentions never worked as well as fulfilling each other’s little requests.

These little requests, like getting your partner a cup of coffee or turning off the light, are about going that extra mile or, in most cases, just an extra inch. These little things are bids for attention. Be sure to turn toward each other when they are made, and chances are you’ll have it made.

A LITTLE PEBBLE GOES A LONG WAY

Building the life you have always dreamed about can be daunting. My mother had a way of looking at big things that took the hugeness out of them. She said, “There are no rocks, just little pebbles.”

By looking at the biggest problems in our lives as lots of little ones, we can imagine checking them off our list rather than feeling overwhelmed. The next time a boulder is headed at you, be bolder by knowing it’s just an optical illusion. That’s not a big rock ahead of you—just lots of little pebbles.

A LITTLE COOKING LESSON FROM SICILY

While on a family vacation in Sicily, we had the honor of taking a cooking lesson from a well-known local chef. What we learned was not only how to make cavatelli and Sicilian meatballs, but the recipe for a delicious life.

Our chef sees Sicily as “a salad of people” from many parts of the world. Though she admonishes those past cultures that took from Sicily, she is also grateful for the contributions, most importantly the cuisine, that they left behind.

First there were the Greeks and Romans, who loved a banquet, the precursor to the family-style table. They also cherished salt so much they paid their soldiers with it, hence the word “salary” from the Latin salarium.

Then came the Arabs, who brought rice, sugar, and seasonings to Sicilian dining, making garlic famous. Following were the Spanish, including many monks and nuns who spent their days praying and cooking, both godsends to Sicilians.

Enter the French, who offered up pastries that would inspire the likes of the cannoli and tiramisu. Last, the New World travelers from America garnished Sicilian dishes with tomatoes and potatoes.

By the end of our lesson we had learned one thing: Against common wisdom, there can never be too many cooks in the kitchen. There are no lone creators. Only legions of people create legends.

Michelangelo had more than twenty artisans paint the Sistine Chapel. Walt Disney had more than 700 animators work on each of his films. Sicily is famous for its food because of what diverse people and cultures brought to the table.

Each of us doing our little part makes for the feast of life.

A LITTLE WORD

I offer a cure for the cold. One word, my favorite word, is a word that, though virtually obsolete, will help us come in from the cold. That word is “apricity.”

Apricity is the warmth of the sun breaking through in winter. Coming from the Latin word apricus meaning “to be warmed by the sun,” apricity is what I suggest we practice with each other and ourselves.

Warmth is affection, a gentle feeling of fondness. When we are kind and tender to others, that warmth breaks through and heals their cold. We connect. When we care for ourselves, our hearts are warmed.

Imagine a world of apricity—a place where the warmth of the sun on our skin inspires us to feel more alive, enthusiastic, kind, and connected.

THINK PINKY

Have you ever had your day turn around because of one kind word or gesture? Here are ten little things that can change the direction of your day and, who knows, maybe your destiny!

         1.    SMILE: Walk out the door smiling. A smile is the most powerful tool in building goodwill, good times, good memories, and good in the world. If you are lucky you will get a smile back. It takes one more muscle to smile than to frown. But that one muscle can rock someone’s world.

         2.    CALL: Many years ago I created the forgiving phone for a famous spa. The phone sat on a pedestal at the top of a mountain, and callers could call anywhere in the world as long as the call was to forgive someone. Call someone today and forgive. Forgiving is for giving. And there’s another benefit: That person is no longer living rent free in your head!

         3.    WRITE: Five thousand years ago, a person writing a thank-you letter had to find some clay, then chisel words onto the wet clay, bake it in the sun, and send a messenger to ride a day or two to deliver it. Today, in the age of easy emails and text messages, a handwritten note means just as much. In fact, the effort you put in is as important as the content you put out.

         4.    HUG: I learned in Mexico that you must always hug someone to the right so your heart touches the heart of the other person. I learned from my mother that you should always be the last one to let go. And I learned from my wife that cuddling makes a little hug huge.

         5.    GARDEN: It’s called a flowerbed because this is where beauty sleeps. To awaken it, just pick a flower. Picked flowers pick people up. Send eleven flowers to someone you love with this message: You are number twelve.

         6.    BAKE: Something made by hand is worth more than a handful of money. My grandmother Oma, who was married to Opa, made cakes and cookies for those she loved. Every time I walked into her kitchen, I felt loved.

                     This is Oma’s special Vanilla Almond Crescent recipe from Vienna, Austria:

                      1¼ cups flour

                      ¾ cup butter

                      ½ cup blanched and grated almonds

                      2 egg yolks

                      ⅓ cup sugar

                      ¼ cup vanilla sugar

                      Work flour, butter, almonds, egg yolks, and sugar into a dough. Form small crescents and bake at 300° F for fifteen to twenty minutes. While cookies are still hot, dip them into vanilla sugar to coat.

                Made (vs. paid) is the secret ingredient.

         7.    VOLUNTEER: The opposite of good is not evil, it is indifference. There is more to life than having it all. It’s called giving your all. When we give of ourselves, a life with cause is life with effect.

         8.    CHANGE: If you want to change the world, change your daily routine. Routines turn into ruts and eventually graves. So change the way you go to work today. Change the way you come home. Change the way you say hello to your spouse or partner. Announce that the luckiest person in the world is home. Change things up and in no time things will look up.

         9.    TRUST: Every successful relationship is based on trust. The fastest way to find out if you can trust people is to give them your trust. Find a person today and put your trust in him or her. That break could lead to a breakthrough relationship.

       10.    PRAY: I talk to God at least once a day. But I listen to God more than a dozen times throughout the day. All you have to do is be silent.

GIVE YOUR HEART AND MIND A LITTLE HAND

We have taken an amazing journey together. One that started with a simple idea—that being Thumbs Up is at the heart of everything. From there we learned how to fill our minds with purpose, empty our fears, take action on our good thoughts, and that a little can help you make it big.

Now it’s time to take what was born in your heart and grew up in your mind and put it to work with your hands. This was Gandhi’s wish for humankind: to build a better self so you could build a better world.

We feed our bodies food and our minds knowledge, but our spirits are often starving. The name Gandhi means “grocer.” Our spirits hunger for something greater and that something is kindness. For humankind to prosper we need kind humans.

Just like 60 million years ago, it all starts with one little gesture. Thumb meets finger and the rest, as they say, is history.