When the Direct Approach Backfires, Try Indirect Influence

by Martha Craumer

How do you get people who don’t work for you to work for you?

When direct management techniques don’t work— especially with those over whom you have no authority— you may have better luck with these, more subtle, approaches.

1. Talk less, listen more. When you try to persuade people, you can spend too much time explaining your position, and not enough time asking questions, listening, and understanding other points of view.

   Your colleagues are less likely to resist when they feel you’ve taken the time to acknowledge their concerns. In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey says that the greatest need of human beings—after physical survival—is to be understood, affirmed, and appreciated. He explains that “empathic listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they [do], you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel.” It’s human nature to want to work with, not against, someone who “gets” us. Ask about your colleagues’ challenges or people they’re struggling with. This information will help you identify common goals and solutions. And you’ll be building stronger working relationships.

2. Make ’em like you. It’s hard to say no to someone you like. So how can you increase your likability? Play up similarities. We tend to like people who share our background, interests, style of dress, etc.

   We also like people who like us. We’re suckers for compliments. If your colleague does a good job leading a meeting, tell him what you liked about the way he ran it. Be specific. Ask another colleague about her weekend and listen—perhaps you’ll discover a shared passion for hiking or reading. Then when you need their help, your colleagues will be more likely to offer their expertise.

3. Make ’em laugh. Ever wonder why so many speakers open their presentations with a joke? Humor is disarming. It makes people root for us. It’s hard to feel bad when you’re laughing—and hard to dislike a person who makes you laugh.

   Humor makes you appear calm, approachable, and in control. It helps your audience feel more relaxed and receptive to change, new ideas, and your influence. Use humor to help soften a harsh message and make it easier to speak freely about the challenge at hand.

   But use humor with care. Inside jokes and cultural allusions can be off-putting. And, of course, humor should never be at the expense of the person you’re trying to influence—nor should it make light of her issues or concerns.

4. Do a favor—even a small one. Doing something for someone gives you enormous power and influence over them. In his book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Robert Cialdini discusses the unwritten rule of reciprocity and how it obligates us to repay what another person has given us.

   Cialdini cites a research study involving two groups of subjects and a “plant”—a man named Joe—who was posing as a fellow subject. Each member of the first group received a small “favor” from Joe—a Coke that he picked up for them while out of the room. The second group received no favor. Then, Joe told each group he was selling raffle tickets. The subjects who received a Coke from Joe bought twice as many tickets as the subjects who received nothing. The reciprocity rule overwhelmed all other factors—including whether they even liked Joe. The ticket buyers felt an irresistible need to repay him.

   The more you raise your hand to help others, the more likely they’ll do the same for you. Volunteer to take notes at a colleague’s brainstorming session. Help set out lunch for a big client meeting. Offer to listen to your teammate’s dry run of a big presentation.

5. Feed ’em. Pick up an extra coffee for the programmer who’s been developing a data feed for your new website. Bring fresh fruit or candy bars to your project launch meeting. Pick one day every two weeks to take a colleague to lunch. Don’t ask your buddy—invite people whom you don’t often get to see outside of all-staff meetings, to help deepen your relationships and extend your network. It’s simple, but true: we like to be fed.

Martha Craumer is a freelance writer based in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Adapted from reprint #U0608D