CHAPTER 3

WE ARE OUR OWN BLACK BOX

“As a face is reflected in water so the heart reflects the real person.”¹

—ANCIENT PROVERB

A few years ago, my wife, Anne, and I attended a conference at a beautiful island resort to hear a number of well-known speakers. The foundation that sponsored the event sought to inform the attendees about various charitable needs around the world. One of the speakers known for his great sense of humor and ability to tell stories thanked the foundation board profusely for inviting him to speak at the meeting and for taking us all to such a nice place. He went on for several minutes about how beautiful the setting was and how rarely he was a guest in this type of resort. In an effort to be humorously self-deprecating, the speaker said that he usually stayed in budget hotels and named one hotel chain in particular. He then said, “You know the first thing I have to do when I stay in that hotel is to go into my room and kill all the roaches.” Off to our left there was a loud gasp and a wave of disturbance in the audience, almost as if someone was having a medical emergency. Unbeknownst to the speaker, the family of the deceased founder of the just-mentioned hotel chain was in the audience! The family and their close friends sitting nearby recoiled at the speaker’s astoundingly insensitive attempt at humor, and the unsettled feeling in the broader audience became palpable.

The following morning, the speaker asked the sponsors if he could talk with the group again. As he stood at the podium, this greatly admired speaker humbly apologized to the family and to the audience for his remarks the afternoon before. He acknowledged that this occurrence galvanized his attention. He had spent much of the previous night looking at himself and asking how this could have happened. Then, in an amazing display of openness and vulnerability, he shared about his own struggle with needing approval—something that had been largely absent in his growing-up years. He became very effective at engineering the approval he sought, and humor was his number one tool—make people laugh, and they will like you. He confessed that he resisted acknowledging this dark side of himself and had never discussed it with anyone else. In the middle of the night, he vowed that his offense to the family the afternoon before would break the cycle. His authenticity was profoundly moving as he and others in the audience wept. The family accepted his apology with grace and forgiveness. His transparency was amazingly redemptive and helped rekindle the emotional lift among the participants that the sponsors hoped to achieve.

DID I REALLY SAY THAT?

Why do regrettable comments leap from our own lips? We all say and do dumb things, and very many times simply do not know “what got into us.” Those actions for which we would love a do-over or the words we wish we could reel back wake us in the middle of the night. We are particularly troubled when our reputation is diminished or when others are hurt by our words or actions.

More important, how do we ensure that our words and actions create the desired effect—having a positive influence on others? How do we inspire and engage others to give their highest and best effort to the cause at hand?

As discussed in the last chapter, we grow and protect our core through the practice of several disciplines. The first is self-examination, in which we intentionally scrutinize our thoughts, feelings, attitudes, habits, and the factors that influence them. We use this discipline to discover that person inside us who thinks, feels, believes, and forms self-authored opinions. The goal is to become an authority on who we are.

It is a discipline that requires focus. My wife, Anne, takes Pilates from an instructor who tells her that exercise requires as much mental focus as physical. She has to move certain muscles while breathing a particular way. Understanding and managing our core is much the same.

The intended result of self-examination is self-awareness, which then opens the door to self-regulation. If we become aware of a thought or feeling that might lead us astray, self-regulation reins in errant impulses, like making a regrettable statement. Self-examination is the introspective discipline that leads to self-awareness. We can then use that awareness to guide our actions.

A very savvy CEO with whom I worked for a number of years told me that a particular regional field director really “pulled his chain.” When I asked him to elaborate, he acknowledged that this particular sales guy was very successful and had a huge ego. He constantly complained and pontificated about what he saw as poor service at the home office. Sometimes, he aimed his criticism at the CEO personally. Before any conversation with this particular field rep, the CEO would go through a mental self-awareness exercise so that he stayed “grounded” during his interactions. In the heat of conflict with the field rep, he wanted to keep his wits and not overreact to his criticism. Most of the time it worked, and he was able to have a civil conversation and focus on solving the problem.

Effective self-regulation is dependent upon and highly interactive with self-examination and self-awareness, as shown in Figure 3.1 (see next page).

The purpose of this chapter is to demonstrate the importance of self-examination and how this discipline makes self-awareness and self-regulation possible. Skillful self-examination builds a strong core, which makes us more effective leaders.

Figure 3.1

I don’t know about you, but I tend to be a bit uncomfortable with “navel gazing.” A friend told me the other day that introspection feels like she’s giving herself a colonoscopy. Self-examination is not a natural tendency for most of us, and, candidly, not my first impulse for how to spend time away from work. I am frequently drawn to the superficial and feel pretty much like the couple in this New Yorker cartoon (see following page).

We resist looking deep into ourselves for a variety of reasons—maybe it has never occurred to us to even look in the first place or maybe there are some demons in there we do not want to face. We may not even know how to look. Maybe the payoff for making the effort is not that apparent. We might also worry that if we look deep down, there may not be much of a deep down. One friend of mine describes himself as a “shallow coper” and prefers not to deal with his core. Many avoid seeking to examine and understand themselves, and our culture makes it easy to operate at a surface level.

During the beginning stages of a consulting assignment, I frequently interview members of the leadership team. Certain impressions form very quickly. Is the person direct, authentic, and perceptive about themselves? Does the person possess keen insight into other team members? Occasionally, I have a distinct sense that a person is not particularly self-aware. During a recent interview, I wrote a note in the margin, “Stranger to himself.” This is always a self-limiting liability.

Intentional self-examination is a critical step on the path to great leadership. It is like a tool in the hands of a skilled craftsman. Careful use of this tool lays the groundwork for self-regulation that can prevent us from blunting our effectiveness and falling short of the impact we desire.

Our core functions like the black box in airplanes. Just as investigators use the box for their analysis of what went wrong if a plane veers off course or crashes, effective leaders can look to their core for a more accurate understanding of themselves. To achieve the impact for which we strive, we must seek to understand and harness the unique forces that will make us more effective as well as to diminish those weaknesses that will render us less so. This discipline requires deliberate and relentless effort.

SEEING WITH THE EYES OF OUR CORE

Self-examination is about seeing with the “eyes of our core.” The eyes in our head see the physical world around us. The eyes of our core provide insight about our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, motives, and actions. Leaders who create an impact use these types of insights to become more effective. Their elevated level of self-awareness is forged in the furnace of self-examination.

Their elevated level of self-awareness
is forged in the furnace of self examination.

Seeing with our core falls into three categories:

       1.  Past—looking at our behavior after the fact (retrospective).

       2.  Future—being thoughtful in advance (prospective).

       3.  Present—analyzing what is occurring in the here and now (contemporaneous).

LOOKING BACKWARD

Self-examination of the past involves looking at specific events that already took place—think of it as looking in the rearview mirror. After his blunder, the “roach killer” might have asked himself some questions, such as, “Why did I feel such a need to flatter the sponsors of the meeting? Am I trying to get them to like me and invite me back? Why did I feel a need to tell that story? What kept me from seeing the obviously offensive nature of that story? How did my need for approval cloud my judgment? What can I do differently next time to assure that never happens again?”

In a much broader context, retrospective self-reflection also seeks to understand the life experiences that influence our behavior. If we wish to lead skillfully, we must consider the forces that have made us who we are.

Background Influences

       ♦  our parents’ background, such as their education, occupation, income, social standing, and religious heritage

       ♦  where we grew up

       ♦  our education

       ♦  our teachers and coaches

       ♦  our friends and peer group

       ♦  what we read

       ♦  what we see and hear in media

       ♦  the places we have lived and visited

       ♦  the leaders and mentors we have had

       ♦  the organizations for which we have worked

       ♦  our colleagues

       ♦  and the groups to which we have belonged

The above is a list of extraordinarily complex, interwoven forces that contribute to who we are—no wonder we are so complex and hard to figure out! Pick just one from the list to see how profoundly these forces have guided your life. For example, what if you had gone to a different school? How would you be different today? At the end of this chapter I will recommend an exercise to further understand how these forces have influenced you.

Our backgrounds help define us, but they do not have to limit us or dictate our future. Some in our society have a “victim” mentality and believe they are held captive to their backgrounds. I do not believe this. There are many examples of people who escaped from the worst imaginable circumstances. These forces do not exert absolute control over us; however, they inevitably do shape our beliefs, values, personality, interests, and abilities. This is why it is important to reflect on where we have been. The involved process of understanding our backgrounds is like peeling an onion and continues over our lifetime. Intentional self-examination leads to thoughtful, deliberate choices about who I am and how I am going to be on an ongoing basis.

If we intend to be a person of disproportionate influence, we must study ourselves to understand these many factors so that nothing in our background unduly influences us. We can “re-decide” who we are going to be and choose to break the power of even enduring habits.

I met a very influential woman not long ago who was born into poverty, but she decided not to be a victim of her circumstances. Amazingly, she had the presence of mind as a young girl to notice people in society who were successful. She actually had a conversation with herself and said, “I can be one of those people.” One of the keys was that she decided to become an excellent student and then asserted her way into some of the finest schools in the United States. She is now a highly visible leader who has an impact on thousands of people. She is truly a remarkable person, but she would argue that anyone with self-awareness and determination can overcome their circumstances.

LOOKING AHEAD

Self-examination about opportunities before us is profoundly important. Thinking in advance about an upcoming interaction or event and reflecting on how our strengths and weaknesses may influence the outcome is a much better option than trying to dig out of a hole created by a careless act or word. If the conference speaker mentioned earlier had a private conversation with himself before he spoke to our group the first time, I believe he would have experienced a very different result and not clouded the very important message he came to deliver. His inner conversation might have gone like this:

       I’m really looking forward to speaking to this group in this beautiful resort. It was a privilege to be invited. . . . Be genuinely appreciative. I don’t have to fawn all over the sponsors trying to get them to like me. I also need to be especially careful about stories and jokes with this group, because I really don’t know who is in the audience. Stay away from comments that might unintentionally offend this audience that has very high ideals about making a global impact. Focus on the extraordinary opportunities that are before them to consider.

What I am about to propose is not easy given the normal demands on a leader’s time, but this practice can be life-changing. Begin and end your workday with a brief period of reflection. Taking fifteen minutes at the beginning of the day can help us stay on track throughout the day. Ask yourself if there is anything that might compromise your effectiveness today (e.g., fatigue, lack of courage, irritation with a fellow executive, etc.). Simply knowing about these factors may help you mitigate their influence. We should also take a few minutes at the end of the day to inventory how we did at implementing our resolutions.

What I am about to propose is not easy given
the normal demands on a leader’s time, but this
practice can be life-changing. Begin and end your
workday with a brief period of reflection.

Occasionally take a longer period to more thoughtfully dissect some of the factors from the Background Influences list. Try to understand how those factors have influenced your behavior. As in the example of the influential woman above, there may be influences from your background that you want to rethink. I know a woman whose parents gave her a “cute” name. They probably felt warm and cuddly about their new little baby, but they did not think about the liability her somewhat silly name would become when she tried to establish herself as credible adult in the workplace at thirty years old. When she moved to a new job, she decided to legally change her name to be taken more seriously. She told me that her parents still call her by the cute name. I am not suggesting that you change your name, but you might use the Background Influences list as a guide to consider what aspects of your background could be hindering you in some significant way.

LOOKING SIDE-TO-SIDE

The third type of self-examination, being thoughtful in the here and now, is a more advanced skill. It requires that we monitor our feelings and intuitions as they occur. With this skill we are often able to adjust our behavior in the present. When someone criticizes my idea, my first impulse may be to bristle. We can use that “bristling feeling” as a mental prompt or early-warning system. For example, we might say to ourselves, “This is a self-awareness moment. I need to rein in that impulse and not get defensive. Responding to this person in the way I am inclined at present is not going help anybody. I need to sit on my response for a while until I am not responding emotionally.”

Self-examination in the here and now is not easy, because it requires our brains to multitask. We have to pay attention to the content of whatever we are doing, while at the same time, monitoring and adjusting our emotional responses and actions in the present. For example, I could find myself in a meeting, discussing how we are going to respond to a customer complaint. I also may be brimming with resentment about how Susan just threw my brilliant idea under the beer truck. Maybe I need to speak to myself and say, “I have to stay engaged with the topic without letting Susan’s barb get me off task.”

Figure 3.2

THE GRAVITATIONAL FORCE OF YOURSELF

All this self-examination might seem like a bit much. It is important that we not mistake self-examination for self-absorption. As Figure 3.2 illustrates, self-absorption is a departure from healthy self-examination.

One of my professors in grad school used to say, “The first time you look in the mirror is for yourself. The second time you look in the mirror is for others. The third time you look . . . well, you’re in trouble!” We need to look in the mirror and use the information to affirm our strengths or transform a weakness but not to become preoccupied with ourselves. Healthy self-examination is very different from the narcissism inherent in self-absorption. A self-absorbed person views self-reflection as an end in itself, which is nothing more than a preoccupation with his or her own inner workings. These are the people who actually enjoy navel gazing!

DON’T ALWAYS TRY THIS ALONE

Much of what we have considered up until now rests upon our willingness to journey privately through healthy self-examination. It is crucial to point out that self-reflection sometimes ensues from “internal processing” and at other times through “external processing.” Internal processing occurs when we reflect privately. External processing involves self-discovery through others. Ideally, we do both; however, if we are “extroverted,” we may find self-reflection easier when we involve others. Expressing thoughts helps extroverts to form and to evaluate an idea, so having a sounding board is vital. Self-disclosure and self-discovery work in tandem to make extroverts more aware.

Introverts, on the other hand, do their best processing through private self-reflection, but it is critical that they validate their private insights by testing them with others. Although an introvert’s personal reflection may be accurate, he or she should make sure that objective friends or colleagues validate their perceptions. Conversely, I recommend to extroverts that they also learn how to reflect alone. Incidentally, if you are not certain about whether you gravitate more toward external processing or internal processing, just type extroversion/introversion into a search engine and you will get an abundance of information.

Thoughtful and intentional self-examination is a critical discipline that is not only enlightening, but also transformational. Developing self-knowledge is a journey into unchartered territory for many; however, it is a discipline that’s critical for guarding your core and becoming the kind of leader who makes an impact. We will look at a number of other disciplines that guard our core but intentional self-examination is the beginning point.

As we discussed earlier in this chapter (Figure 3.1), the real aim of self-examination is self-awareness, which makes self-regulation possible. We need a bridge from self-examination to self-awareness. In the chapter that follows, we will build that bridge.