“Knowing what is right is like deep water in the heart; a wise person draws from the well within.”1
—ANCIENT PROVERB
A close friend of mine is a business school professor who uses innovative learning techniques such as simulations to teach students about the realities of corporate life. One afternoon his students formed two teams and negotiated a mock business deal. One team decided to disadvantage the other team by misleading them about what they would do if the other team made some concessions on the terms of the deal. They sold the new terms under the guise that everyone achieved a better deal. When it became clear that the deceptive team violated the trust of the other, one member of the losing team stormed out of the classroom. Later he showed up at my friend’s office to talk about the experience. This particular student had recently left the military. The company he commanded had suffered heavy casualties during a particularly intense period of fighting. For him, trust in one another is tantamount to survival. Having his trust violated so cavalierly by his classmates was extremely stressful for him, and the exercise brought forward the intense effect of his background issues.
The good news is that it became a teachable moment for the young soldier. As my friend sat with the student in his office, he reasoned with him about his intense feelings about the classroom simulation. The soldier acknowledged that he had almost died because a fellow officer in another company had not kept his commitment to provide reinforcements by a certain time. When his business school classmate reneged on his agreement, he had flashbacks about the vulnerability he felt that day when he lost five members of his company. He ran from the classroom to escape the images and sounds of explosions going off in his head. Although not pleased that his classmate had lied to him, he agreed that he overreacted to the classroom exercise. The young soldier then had a self-awareness breakthrough. “I came back to school too soon after being discharged from the Marines. I needed to take more time to get over my deployments and to discover a new normal.”
My friend helped this young veteran withdraw from school and suggested some avenues for help re-entering civilian life before continuing his studies. Fortunately, the soldier received some excellent help and re-enrolled in school a year later much better integrated personally and socially and more self-aware.
After his discussion with the soldier, my friend also instigated a self-awareness moment for the leader of the deceptive team. In a private coaching session, he asked the young MBA student why he thought deception was an acceptable negotiating approach. He pointed out that he would last about five minutes in a real business context if he ever tried to mislead someone to gain competitive advantage. He did not tell him the full impact his behavior had on his classmate.
Although we may not have experienced the intense combat as my friend’s student had, our unique experiences can powerfully influence who we are, what we believe, and how we act, so we must understand their impact. Knowing about and managing these forces is nonnegotiable if we want to guard our core and be a leader who thrives.
SELF-EXAMINATION LEADS TO SELF-AWARENESS
Recently I had my annual medical exam. The test results and in-office exam indicated that several aspects of my physical health needed attention. My physician prescribed several remedies to improve my health. The medical exam gave me a new awareness, but ultimately it is up to me to act on my awareness to actually benefit. It is crucial to form new habits, and this requires self-regulation, the topic of an upcoming chapter.
In the previous chapter we discussed the critical importance of intentional self-examination. My research demonstrates that healthy self-awareness is a common denominator among leaders who forge a great legacy, so the purpose of this chapter is to describe how we can become more self-aware.
Accurate self-awareness is an essential element of great leadership and personal effectiveness. When we understand our strengths and our vulnerabilities, we are better able to deploy our strengths toward the challenges of our role. We also minimize our weaknesses so that we do not undermine our relationships or otherwise blunt the efficacy of important initiatives.
GROW OUR SELF-AWARENESS
Figure 4 on the following page illustrates the idea that we grow our self-awareness through enlarging the open window.2
The left side of the circle comprises our “open self,” which reflects a general awareness about who we are. This is an open or fully transparent “window” through which we see ourselves clearly. Others clearly see who we are as well. There is no “curtain” blocking our view of ourselves, as there is in front of the blind and hidden windows. A person who wants greater self-awareness is constantly seeking ways to enlarge this window and draws the curtain to the right. As we grow in self-awareness, we enlarge our open window while simultaneously diminishing the blind and the hidden areas.
One critical by-product of a larger open window is personal authenticity. Today, perhaps more than ever, personal authenticity is needed to lead effectively. Authenticity depends heavily on self-awareness and then on our willingness to disclose who we are—to make our open window transparent to others. Followers want to know who their leaders are, and this knowledge forms a basis for trust. Conversely, when our open area is small, others sense a lack of authenticity with a resulting diminishment of trust.
Figure 4
Authentic leaders express a
personal narrative alongside their vision
and goals for the organization.
When I am asked to evaluate a candidate for a leadership role, I look at the depth and quality of his or her self-disclosure, which is a major indicator of good self-awareness. An important distinction is that good self-disclosure is not just talking about oneself. Rather it is the revealing of insight about how to best deploy one’s strengths and mitigate weaknesses. There is a tone of, “I know myself and am able to use that information for the good of my team and the organization.”
In my experience, the best leaders express a personal narrative alongside their vision and goals for the organization. Both are needed for the leader to be trusted. A personal narrative flows from our background, our beliefs, our values, and our personal insights—all products of a large open window. Recently, I observed a new senior leader introduce himself to the organization he was hired to lead. There had been some quiet rumbling because he was not planning to move his family to the company’s home office location. As he talked about his hopes for the organization, he took the issue head on. “I know that many of you have questions about my not moving my family to Texas. I respect and understand your concerns. My wife and I discussed this challenge at length and decided that we wanted our third child to finish high school where he attends now. He’s been the kid who never sunk down any roots over my corporate career. We decided that keeping him in a school where he’s finally made some good friends and done well academically and at lacrosse was worth some sacrifice on our part. I want you to know that I’ve unpacked my emotional bags here and am fully vested in my role for the long term. I’ll commute on weekends, and when our son graduates, my wife and I look forward to her joining me here. Thank you for understanding this personal decision.” During these comments a photo of the new leader with his arm around his smiling sixteen-year-old son in a lacrosse uniform appeared on the screen. The rumbling stopped, and the consensus was, “We like this guy. He’s for real.” Because he was he so open in his self-disclosure, employees experienced him as authentic. The company has prospered under his leadership.
BLIND SPOTS
I am always startled when the lane next to me on the freeway looks clear in my car’s side-view mirror, but when I turn to double check, I see a car beside me. As broad as my mirror’s coverage might be, there are blind spots. In a similar fashion, we have personal blind spots that, unheeded, can wreck us.
Some blind spots are inconsequential. I was in a hurry after being in a particularly pokey airport security line recently and missed a belt loop as I hurried to get my shoes, belt, and coat back on after exiting the line. Someone later told me about the missed belt loop. I thanked the person, but candidly, no alarm bells went off—I may not have looked like a Ralph Lauren ad, but my pants were in no danger of falling down.
Other blind spots are far more consequential. I had an assignment to meet with an executive to tell him that people had reacted very badly to the speech he gave at an awards banquet during their annual management conference. He was completely flummoxed. He certainly meant well as he tried to support company values, but most of the audience perceived him as negative and critical of their work. The reaction to his speech revealed a blind spot of considerable importance. He benefited significantly from knowing that his self-perceptions were seriously out of step with how others experienced him. Over a short period of time, he made great progress in his ability to communicate more effectively. This experience helped this leader better understand the old truism, “We judge ourselves by our intentions, while others judge us by our behavior.”
We judge ourselves by our intentions,
while others judge us by our behavior.
THE CRITICAL IMPORTANCE OF FEEDBACK
To paraphrase the Scottish poet Robert Burns, “Oh that God would give us the gift to see ourselves as others do.” In Figure 4, the upper right part of the circle (Blind) describes what others see in our behavior that we do not. A curtain blocking our self-awareness is drawn in front. Because we cannot see some aspects of our behavior, it is vital that we know how to enlighten ourselves on a practical level. Feedback from others is the most powerful means of opening up our blind area. Feedback takes space from the blind area and enlarges the open area. It pushes the curtain to the right. As we discussed earlier, openness in a leader is a great asset, so we must develop a hunger for feedback and seek out opportunities to receive it.
When my dad was a commercial pilot, the last ten years of his career he flew from Atlanta to Europe three to four times a month. Even back in the 1980s, the navigation equipment was fairly sophisticated. He could take off from Atlanta and turn the plane over to the computer-based autopilot. The plane would fly itself to the right country, the right city, and the right airport, and even land itself unassisted on the right runway. In the middle of the night during his watch, he would often see the plane’s wheel turn itself to the left, gently banking the plane. The jet stream blew the plane off course fairly frequently, and the geostationary satellite provided feedback to the autopilot to get the plane back on course. My dad said it was like a ghost was flying the airplane. Thousands of pilots who fly every month entrust their very lives, and those under their care, to these geostationary satellites, confident that they provide accurate feedback to the cockpit of the plane in which they are flying.
Our blind area puts us in potential peril. We need others in our lives who function as those satellites to let us know when we are off course. Receiving personal feedback diminishes the blind area and is vital to keep us on course. Feedback pushes the curtain to the right (Figure 4) and enlarges our open area.
To pull back the curtain on our blind areas, it is essential that we have people who will speak to us with uncensored openness and directness. Spouses can be especially good at cutting to the chase. A man was driving home from attending a gala during which he received a prestigious leadership award. He mused with his wife about the evening and asked, “I wonder how many truly great men there are in the world today?” Her response: “Well there’s one less than you think.”
Leaders need to open channels that ensure they are receiving frequent and constructive feedback. When receiving feedback, value other’s opinions even when you disagree. Be teachable. Here are several ideas:
♦ Develop a group of trusted advisors who will regularly give you competent and candid feedback. When I served in a leadership role of a large company, I had individuals whose insights about me and my role were tremendously helpful. I met with these advisors every month or two individually and occasionally as a group.
♦ Be especially receptive to feedback from people who are below you on the organization chart. As the recipients of your leadership these members often have great insight.
♦ Create a culture in your sphere of influence where feedback is valued, expected, and normative. Mistakes and failures are to be milked for everything they are worth.
HIDDEN COMPROMISES REALLY MATTER
A tiny, almost imperceptible flaw led to great drama in the nearly catastrophic flight of United Air 232 from Denver to Chicago on July 19, 1989. The fan disk in the DC-10’s rear engine exploded, severing all three hydraulic lines, a highly improbable event—a billion-to-one chance. An investigation later discovered that the titanium ingot used to manufacture the fan disk had a tiny imperfection that had weakened to the breaking point. It took eighteen years and 15,503 takeoffs and landings to discover the problem. A jumbo jet with no hydraulics at 37,000 feet all but guaranteed a horrendous death for the 300 people on board, simply because a microscopically small bubble of nitrogen had not completely dissolved in the titanium ingot. The bubble was the tiny cause of a huge effect. Because of the crew’s extraordinary skill and heroic efforts, the aircraft was able to land, and 188 of the 300 passengers survived.
Flaws in our core are like that small nitrogen bubble. They may not show up for a long time, but the mounting pressures of business find that point of imperfection. Over the course of time, a metaphorical nitrogen bubble does its work eroding the integrity of our personal core. While a blind spot is something others see that we do not, a hidden area is something no one sees without intentional effort. Often hidden aspects of our core impose themselves on our conscious awareness and are revealed forcefully and unexpectedly. This is one reason self-examination and self-awareness are so important. We need to look at ourselves carefully to find those nitrogen bubbles that often show up at the worst possible times.
A LEADER’S NITROGEN BUBBLE
A recent public example is Anthony Weiner, an influential U.S. congressman from New York and touted as a promising candidate for mayor of New York City. He resigned from Congress in disgrace after sending a lewd photo to a college student over the Internet. Weiner said at a news conference announcing his resignation,
This was a very dumb thing to do, and it was a destructive thing to do. But it wasn’t part of any plan to be hurtful to my wife. It wasn’t part of a plan to be deceitful to you. It wasn’t part of a plan to be—it wasn’t part of a plan. It was a destructive thing that I did that I accept responsibility for. But if you’re—if you’re looking for some kind of deep explanation for it, I simply don’t have one except that I’m sorry. (Italics are mine for emphasis.)
Weiner made it clear that he felt very disconnected from his actions. Of course he was sorry. His sordid act was plastered across page-one headlines around the globe. What he needed was the deep explanation that evaded him. We cannot know his motives, but that is why understanding the hidden or less accessible parts of our personality is important.
What was Weiner’s nitrogen bubble that ultimately led to the failure of his core? Maybe he actually believed the Cosmopolitan magazine article lauding him as one of the “101 Gorgeous Real Life Bachelors”3 written about him several years before he was married. Maybe his nitrogen bubble was simply the arrogance that brings so many other influential leaders down.
Weiner let his nitrogen bubble go undetected, enabling it to do its work. What if he had been more courageous and disciplined in his self-examination? What early-warning signs did he miss? How could he have been more thoughtful about the disgrace his actions would bring to his wife? What if Weiner had used his “phone-a-friend” option and said to a respected colleague, “Hey, I’m thinking about sending a photo of my genitals to a college student in Seattle I’ve never met. . . is that a good idea?” The simple act of testing his idea with a trusted advisor might have been all that was needed to conclude that “This is a really dumb idea.” A “deeper understanding” of his hidden area was, in fact, the preventative medicine he needed. Fresh revelations revealed that Weiner continued sexting between the time he resigned from Congress and when he announced his candidacy for mayor of New York. Weiner lost all credibility and garnered barely five percent of the vote in his loss of the democratic primary.4 It is unlikely that you are considering doing anything like what Congressman Weiner did, but we all do dumb things and make statements we wish we could reel back in. An essential aspect of protecting our core involves thoughtful introspection into the hidden, less-accessible forces that shape our lives. This includes aspects of ourselves that we resist thinking about, much less talking about. We have to look in our hidden area to find any nitrogen bubbles. When discovered, our open area enlarges (Figure 4). We become a healthier, more self-aware person and a better leader.
A NITROGEN BUBBLE I DISCOVERED IN ME
We need to look for anything that might hold us back. In an organization where I worked, I did not like the CEO’s executive assistant (my sense was that the feeling was mutual). This is probably the last person in an organization you want to alienate. A year later I moved to another organization, and, to my great chagrin, the same woman worked there! She had a different name, different face, etc., but she was a dead ringer for the previous woman I did not like. With some self-examination, I learned what was throwing me about this type of individual. I attempted to change my approach to get along better with a particular type of personality in a co-worker who normally irritated me. It made a huge difference, and she became an ally when I needed to gain access to the CEO. Fortunately, I discovered this nitrogen bubble before it became a major problem.
Neither self-examination nor self-awareness is an end in itself. Both must lead to self-regulation to be truly meaningful. As illustrated in Figure 3.1, Chapter 3, all three of these elements work in concert to make us more effective.
GO DEEPER
Evaluate yourself on six ways to benefit from highly valuable feedback:
1. Ask for it. The greater your influence, the less likely others will come to you, especially with critical feedback. Many leaders are “truth starved.” We often have to take the initiative and ask for feedback.
How often do I ask for feedback:
Don’t remember
Seldom
Occasionally
Often
2. Listen to it. Do not interrupt. Do not agree or disagree. Ask questions for greater clarity and insight. If you argue with the feedback provider, it is unlikely you will receive any new feedback of value.
How well do I listen to feedback:
I listen carefully and ask questions for clarification.
I listen but don’t probe for better understanding.
I listen (sort of)—when I don’t agree, I tend to ignore the feedback.
I am an impatient listener.
I am defensive when I don’t agree or don’t like the person giving the feedback.
3. Sit on it. When you disagree with the feedback, sit on it. Ask some clarifying questions. Be aware of the natural tendency toward self-deception.
Process it for a while and remain open to others’ perceptions.
When I receive feedback I:
Reflect productively
React immediately
Recoil
4. Accept it. Be careful not to come across as defensive when explaining your actions. You might even say, “Let me tell you why I did this. Maybe you can help me find the flaw in my logic.”
How well do I accept the feedback:
Embrace it thoughtfully
Deflect it
Inwardly suspect the feedback provider of bias
Wonder if the feedback provider is totally obtuse
5. Appreciate it. Express appreciation for what you have been told even when it hurts or when feedback is inconsistent with your self-perception. There is tremendous value in seeing how we exist in the perceptions of others. Thoughtful, wise feedback is a gift. Thank anyone who offers it.
How do I receive feedback:
Appreciatively
Hear it and forget about it
Not so well
6. Act on it. Take steps to deal with what you hear and follow up to demonstrate your seriousness about addressing the issue. A sure way to seal off any future feedback is to recriminate those who gave you the feedback.
I act on feedback:
Immediately with conviction
Cautiously with ambivalence
Not likely to do much with the feedback
Based upon your self-evaluation, what are your greatest opportunities to improve your openness to feedback? How will you bring about these changes?
Self-awareness protects our core and makes any leader more prepared to create an impact. The focus of the next chapter is in a specific realm of self-awareness that requires some courage to consider.