CURIOSITY SKILL #2

Inquiring into the Hypotheses of Others

There is no such thing as a weird human being. It’s just that some people require more understanding than others.

—TOM ROBBINS

With the first three skills, you’re putting your view into the conversation and testing it. But the beauty of this discipline is that there’s an additional tool in your mental workshop that helps you expand and improve your thinking by leveraging how other people are making sense of things: genuine inquiry into their views.

It’s one thing to test a view you’re holding, but inquiry—a word that stems from the old Latin inquīrere meaning “to seek to learn” or “to look into”¹—helps you identify gaps in your thinking for which you didn’t even know to test. Inquiry in a tough conversation is like a flashlight in a dark cave—an essential tool that illuminates ideas and information that might not otherwise see any light.

Other people have views—all of them different from yours in either large or small ways—and in the spirit of learning, you’re working just as hard to pull them into the conversation as you’re at putting yours forward. With this skill, in other words, you’re inviting the perspectives of others into a conversation.

To inquire means to search and discover. Inquiry is the act of exploration, a questioning with an agenda to see new possibilities. [Inquiry] always begins with a question—an honest desire to learn about something—as its premise.²

—FRANK BARRETT AND RONALD FRY

What, for instance, can the way in which others are making sense of this issue teach you about a decision you’re facing? There is no way to know unless you encourage them to speak up, clearly and candidly. How do they view the world differently? Get curious and inquire. Do they have information you don’t have access to? Are they interpreting the information in a different and perhaps more useful way? Again, it’s simple: Ask and find out.

I stated in the Introduction that a key goal of this book is for you to be able to make every conversation or meeting smarter because you’re in the room. Genuine inquiry is a powerful yet underestimated way to achieve that goal. It provides another tool for turning the thinking of others into a profound source of learning. Here are a few key points about this deceptively complex skill.

Inquiry Is Different from Testing

Both testing and inquiry are curiosity skills, yes, but they each play a distinct role in a conversation: You test your hypotheses. You inquire into the hypotheses of others. Recognizing that no one has a perfect handle on the truth, you’re holding your views provisionally, but you’re also treating the views of others conditionally as well. You’re treating everyone’s perspective hypothetically, as another important but imperfect lens through which to look at an issue.

It’s a Process

It’s not as simple as just asking a simple question. You may need to ask a few questions to fully understand how someone else is making sense of an issue. As Edgar Schein says: “Humble Inquiry is the fine art of drawing someone out, of asking questions to which you do not already know the answer, of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person.”³ Inquiry, that is to say, is the process of asking as many questions as necessary to explore and understand another’s position.

“Humble Inquiry is the fine art of drawing someone out, of asking questions to which you do not already know the answer, of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person.”

You’re Not Seeking Agreement

Here’s another important distinction: You’re not inquiring into the views of others in the pursuit of agreement; you’re doing it in the pursuit of learning. After a conversation that never leaves the sweet spot you may still disagree with the person with whom you’re talking, but you’ve both probably learned something about the issue you’re exploring. You’re inquiring into the perspectives of others with the goal of getting smarter, not reaching consensus.

It Can Be Used in Multiple Ways

There are a range of ways that genuine inquiry can be employed to bring more depth and balance to a conversation:

When Someone Reacts to Your Point of View

You’re in a meeting, and you’ve put forward a suggestion, explained it, and tested it. Suddenly one of your colleagues blurts out: “There’s no way that’ll work.” At this point you have three basic options:

1.   Minimize and shut down.

2.   Kick into “win” mode and argue.

3.   Inquire into their reaction to find out where it’s coming from.

If you’re in your mental workshop and learning is your primary goal, option three is the obvious choice: “I appreciate your candid reaction. Tell me more. What specifically about my idea doesn’t work for you?” You don’t have to agree with their reaction, but you certainly want to understand it.

When Someone Reacts to Another Person’s Point of View

When someone reacts to a colleague’s comment in a conversation or meeting, you can help keep the conversation in the sweet spot with an inquiry. For example, “Take a minute and tell us more, Rupert. What leads you to think Kim’s idea is so risky?”

When Someone Is Not Participating in a Conversation

When colleagues have shared neither their view nor their thinking you can invite them to share their perspectives. If you’re in a meeting where a discussion about an important decision is taking place and you notice that Maria and Trey haven’t shared their observations, you can bring more balance to the conversation, and perhaps spark some useful insight, by asking them to share their points of view: “Maria, we’ve been bouncing this topic around for a while now. I’d love to get your take on the decision. What do you think about the issue?” or, “Trey, we’ve not heard from you yet. As you’ve listened to the conversation unfold, what are you thinking? I’d love to get your thoughts and reactions.”

When Someone Isn’t Being Clear

When people aren’t being clear, you can ask them questions to clarify their position. For example: “Bethany, maybe I’m a little slow, but I didn’t grasp your basic point, and I want to make sure I understand how you’re thinking about this. Do you like the idea or do you not?”

When Someone Is Being Verbally Aggressive

It may seem counterintuitive, but inquiry is a powerful way to deal with verbal hostility. Picture, for example, someone blurting out in a meeting: “You’re an idiot if you really think that’s a good idea!” This could easily send you flying out of the sweet spot. But if you’re on your conversational game, you might respond in a more curious, humble, and learning-focused manner: “Well, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been an idiot. You seem to be seeing this very differently than I do, so help me out. What am I missing? What are you seeing that I’m not?”

This is a powerful way to respond. You’re not only more likely to gain additional information; you’re also holding your colleague responsible for explaining their view. In a meeting with people using these skills, therefore, it’s harder for anyone to get away with a flippant, gruff, or sarcastic comment because someone will inquire and ask them to explain, but in a curious rather than a castigatory way. In this way, the skilled use of inquiry into an aggressive comment tends to de-escalate the encounter. People being aggressive are pushing their view, and when you respond by pulling more of their thinking into the conversation, it reduces their need to push so hard. “Look, I’m sorry I called you an idiot. That was terrible thing to say. But I still don’t like your idea.”

“No problem,” you might then respond. “What specifically about my suggestion doesn’t work for you?”

Steve demonstrated the power of doing this well. When Phil blurted out, “I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill,” Steve’s inquiry into that strong position helped him understand and evaluate it, but it also held Phil accountable for explaining it: “I don’t think I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but maybe I’m missing something. What makes you say that? What are you seeing that I’m not?”

When Someone Presents a View, But Fails to Explain It

If a teammate puts forward a position but doesn’t show you how she got there, you can invite her thinking into the conversation. If you’re in a meeting and a colleague says, “I don’t think that’s the right thing to do,” for instance, you might say, “Shelly, you’ve obviously got a strong view on this issue. Take a minute or two and help us see why you’re feeling so adamant about it.” Or, “Can you take a minute and unpack that idea for me?”

When Someone Smirks or Sighs

Not all communication is verbal. Often a message comes in the form of a wink, a smirk, a roll of the eyes, a slamming down of a pen, a knowing glance, a sigh, a dismissive hand gesture, or a wince. You can treat these nonverbal forms of communication like an unexplained position and inquire into them:

•   You rolled your eyes at my suggestion. Is there anything about my idea or the way it’s being presented that doesn’t sit well with you? If there is, I’d be keen to hear about it.

•   Hey Rick, I notice you just snapped your pencil in half and threw it down on the table. I assume that means there is something about the idea you don’t like. If that’s the case, help us see what concerns you so much, especially if you think we’re missing something important.

•   I sensed a little hesitation in your response. Did I misread that? And if not, is there something about this decision that concerns you?

Again, as you can see, getting away with a naked position, a snarky comment, an eye roll, or a belligerent remark is far less likely in a meeting when someone with high conversational capacity is present. This is because they’ll hold you accountable for explaining it—not to put you on the spot, or in a “gotcha” way, but in an authentic bid to understand it.

It’s a Facilitative Tool

Formally or informally, this underappreciated skill turns you into a powerful facilitator of learning. In my first book, Conversational Capacity, the story of Randy in the parent–teacher conference provides a perfect example. When he’s accused of grade retribution, rather than acquiesce or argue, he gets curious and asks: “You’ve said that I’m giving Julia grades as retribution for your wife’s relationship with the school. I’m curious, what signals are you seeing from me that lead you to think that’s what’s happening here?”⁴ Asking the parents to account for their claim serves the same two purposes I just outlined above: greater insight and understanding, and greater evidence and accountability.

Listening

Both curiosity skills, testing and inquiry, require genuine listening. This may seem obvious, but it’s not standard practice. If you’re like most people, “listening” is often little more than just waiting for your turn to talk, formulating your response, or daydreaming about something else entirely. But when you test and inquire in a sincerely curious way, you focus intently on the responses of others because they’re the best source of new information and insight.

You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.

—M. SCOTT PECK

In The Road Less Traveled, in a section titled “The Work of Attention,” M. Scott Peck provides an example of the discipline required for genuinely curious listening:

Not long ago I attended a lecture by a famous man on an aspect of the relationship between psychology and religion in which I have long been interested. Because of my interest I had a certain amount of expertise in the subject and immediately recognized the lecturer to be a great sage indeed. I also sensed love in the tremendous effort that he was exerting to communicate, with all manner of examples, highly abstract concepts that were difficult for us, his audience, to comprehend. I therefore listened to him with all the intentness of which I was capable. Throughout the hour and a half he talked, sweat was literally dripping down my face in the air-conditioned auditorium. By the time he was finished I had a throbbing headache, the muscles in my neck were rigid from my effort at concentration, and I felt completely drained and exhausted. Although I estimated that I had understood no more than 50 percent of what this great man had said to us that afternoon, I was amazed by the large number of brilliant insights he had given me. Following the lecture, which was well attended by culture-seeking individuals, I wandered about through the audience during a coffee break listening to their comments. Generally, they were disappointed. Knowing his reputation, they had expected more. They found him hard to follow and his talk confusing. He was not as competent a speaker as they had hoped to hear. One woman proclaimed to nods of agreement, “He really didn’t tell us anything.”

M. Scott Peck then describes the difference between his experience and that of many in the audience:

In contradistinction to the others, I was able to hear much of what this great man said, precisely because I was willing to do the work of listening to him. I was willing to do this work for two reasons: one, because I recognized his greatness and that what he had to say would likely be of value; second, because of my interest in the field I deeply wanted to absorb what he had to say as to enhance my own understanding and spiritual growth. My listening to him was an act of love. I loved him because I perceived him to be a person of great value worth attending to, and I loved myself because I was willing to work on behalf of my growth. Since he was the teacher and I the pupil, he the giver and I the receiver, my love was primarily self-directed, motivated by what I could get out of our relationship and not what I could give him. Nonetheless, it is entirely possible that he could sense within his audience the intensity of my concentration, my attention, my love, and he may have been thereby rewarded. Love . . . is invariably a two-way street, a reciprocal phenomenon whereby the receiver also gives and the giver also receives.⁵

Notice that M. Scott Peck describes listening as a deliberate, mindful act. You’re focusing your beam of attention on the other person and seeking value in what the person is trying to communicate.

By far the most common and important way in which we can exercise our attention is by listening.

—M. SCOTT PECK

Listen Empathically

With a curious mindset, you’re not just listening intellectually, you’re listening empathically. You’re not just tuned in to the logic of someone’s view. You’re also listening to how the words are being shared, and to the underlying sentiments, values, and convictions behind the words. You’re focusing your attention on the deeper messages being sent, not just the light stuff on the surface.

Steve could sense in Phil, for example, not just his view of the situation but the concern behind it. Phil seemed sincere in his desire to create an open workspace, and in his view that it was working fairly well. Steve also noticed the frustration behind Phil’s attempt to shut down the conversation, and he tried to respond in a way that mirrored the emotional charge: “I’ll leave right now if you like. But can you at least tell me how I’m putting you between a rock and a hard spot? That’s not what I came in here to do.” That brilliant inquiry would not have been possible if Steve had not been listening with an empathetic ear.

Collaborative Design: A Powerful Form of Inquiry

When it comes to making decisions about how to manage people, orchestrate change, deliver feedback, improve the working relationship between people or groups, run effective meetings or any other activity that depends on people working together effectively, you have only two options for making those choices: guess or ask. That’s it. You can either unilaterally impose your choices and then cross your fingers and hope you guessed well, or you can collaborate with others to design the smartest way forward.

When you employ collaborative design—what I referred to in my first book as joint control—you’re opting to ask. You do this by inquiring into the most effective way to work with another person or group to achieve a particular objective. When you adopt this approach, you’re in your mental workshop pooling and integrating the relevant perspectives so you can make the most intelligent choices about how to proceed.*

In the second chapter, I provided a short example of how I used this form of inquiry to help Steve, Phil, and their team find a solution to the messy predicament they were facing. “The basic question this team needs to answer is this: ‘How can Phil meet his boss’s expectations with flying colors, but do it in a way that keeps each one of you coming into his office with all the information he needs to run this business with his eyes wide open?’ So, to find an answer to that question let me ask you another one: To help him do a better job of striking that important balance, what would you like more of and less of from Phil?”

More Of? Less Of?

As that last example illustrates, when you’re working with others to collaboratively design a way to improve a relationship, process, action, or service, the basic question you are asking is: “What do we need more of and less of to achieve X?” Here are a few examples:

•   What do we need more of and less of to make this process far less cumbersome and far more efficient?

•   As your manager, what do you need more of and less of from me so I’m doing a better job of helping you bring your A-game to this project?

•   As one of our most valued customers, we’re thrilled when you say you’re very impressed with our service. But to avoid getting complacent we’d like to ask you a simple question: What do you need more of and less of from us so we can push our customer service to an even higher level?

•   What does the business need more of and less of from the HR function so we can help you meet your strategic challenges in an even more focused and potent way?

Additional Points

It’s Harder Than It Seems

On the surface, inquiring into the views of others appears to be a simple skill that, when performed well, helps protect you from your confirmation bias. But don’t let this fool you. It’s far harder than it seems. When someone contradicts you, it’s tempting to shut down, acquiesce, or jump back to your position, often with a little extra heat. “Maybe you didn’t grasp what I’m suggesting. Let me run it by you again. Try to keep up this time.” But this defensive reaction reinforces your confirmation bias and limits learning because it fails to play what’s missing—the thinking behind the person’s contradiction.

You Might Need to Explain Why

People may misinterpret your motives when you inquire into their point of view, especially if it’s a new behavior. They might skeptically assume, for example, that it’s just a manipulative strategy, or you’re trying to draw their thinking into the open so you can attack it. To guard against such defensive reactions, you can proactively disabuse others of any erroneous interpretations about your motives by explaining why you’re inquiring into their ideas:

•   I genuinely want to see how you’re looking at this issue because you might be seeing things I’m missing. I just wanted to let you know that in case I’m coming across differently. I’m not trying to lawyer you or to set you up for an argument.

•   I’m asking you these questions because I really want to understand your view. And if I’m sending any signals that suggest otherwise, hit the pause button and point it out.

It Manifests Authentic Curiosity

This is another point that seems obvious, but it’s worth stressing. Inquiry, as I’m describing it here, is far more than just asking questions. Effective inquiry is always grounded in curiosity, in a genuine desire to learn. But it’s all too easy to ask leading questions that are merely cloaked positions:

•   Do think maybe there’s a better way you could do that?

•   Do you think using an agenda in our meetings might help?

•   I’m wondering if it would help if you did X . . . ?

•   Are you wearing that to the dinner?

Even more destructive are the pugnacious comments and arrogant questions that push people away from the table, block alternative viewpoints, and shut down disagreement. Sadly, these conversational capacity killers, which can include everything from a poor test to a lousy inquiry to a dismissive comment, are far too common in the workplace:

•   I’ve explained how this looks from an intelligent perspective. What does it look like from yours?

•   I thought you were smarter than that.

•   If any of you disagree with me, do a little homework, get your facts straight, and then we’ll talk again.

•   Are you stuck on stupid?

•   “Tell us your thinking and we’ll show you where you are mixed up.”⁶

•   You don’t really think that, do you?

•   Really?

•   “You don’t know what to look for—you are not a doctor.”⁷

•   I’ve forgotten more about this subject than you’ll ever know, and here’s what I think we should do. You’re welcome.

•   “I love to engage in repartee with people who are stupider than I am.”⁸

•   Look, I’m not trying to be condescending here. (That means I’m not trying to talk down to you.)

•   “Seriously? How old are you?”⁹

•   Did your mom drop you as a child?

•   WTF?

What the Authentic, Learning-Focused Inquiry Is Not

It should be obvious by now, but for emphasis, here is a short list of things that an inquiry is not:

•   It is not an inquisition.

•   It is not lawyering.

•   It is not a position masked with a leading question.

•   It is not a setup for a smackdown or a “gotcha” moment.

•   It is not a shallow “going through the motions” activity in which you’re inquiring merely because you know you’re supposed to, not because your heart is really in it.

Why the Curiosity Skills Matter

“People gain power,” says Dacher Keltner, “as a result of small, everyday behaviors: by speaking up first, offering a possible answer to a problem, being first to assert an opinion, freeing up everyone’s thinking by throwing out a wild suggestion, question, or humorous observation that gets the creative juices flowing.”¹⁰ You can also gain power by sparking a new insight, by starting an effective conversation about an issue that people are avoiding, by bridging a barrier, by pulling a meeting back from the brink of argument, or by helping someone struggling to get their idea into a conversation.

Our opportunity for influence increases when we are open and ask great questions, listen to others with receptive minds, and offer playful ideas and novel perspectives.

—DACHER KELTNER

If your power in a conversation is determined by your influence, the two behaviors we’ve just explored are potent skills. They give you the ability to spark more insight by shaping conversations in a more constructive and learning-focused direction. Here are a few final points about these skills.

Help Others Speak Up

Both curiosity skills—testing your own views and inquiring into the views of others—allow you to help other people get their perspective into a conversation. By testing and inquiring you take more active responsibility for helping others be more candid by inviting them to share their ideas.

More Engagement

The two curiosity skills are great tools for keeping people engaged in a meeting or conversation because they work like conversational glue. When people know that their view may be solicited at any time—either to invite their perspective into a conversation or to test the perspective of another—they’re more likely to pay attention and stick with the flow of the dialogue. The skilled use of the curiosity skills, in other words, makes it riskier to disengage from a conversation or meeting because you never know when someone may ask for your view on the matter at hand.

Back and Forth

In a conversation, you’ll often bounce back and forth between testing and inquiry. After explaining his concerns to Phil, Steve tested his perspective: “Push back on me here,” he said, “especially if you think I’m being unfair.” Phil responded with a position, but he failed to explain it: “I appreciate that you’re willing to bring this up, but I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.” Steve then inquired to invite more of Phil’s thinking into the conversation: “I don’t think I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but maybe I’m missing something. What makes you say that? What are you seeing that I’m not?”

They Cultivate Your Better Angels

These skills also engage many of the characteristics you’re trying to cultivate:

•   Candor. There is no way to test your view if you don’t put it out there first.

•   Curiosity. You are always seeking novel ways of looking at an issue.

•   Courage. You might be found wrong. You might make someone angry. You might feel “less than fully brilliant” when you recognize that other people have a better grasp of the issue than you do.

•   Humility. Recognizing the ironic fact that the price you must often pay for getting smarter is feeling dumber (think about it), you refuse to let your ego get in the way of learning.

•   Mental strength. Keeping your ego in check and maintaining conversational discipline takes focus and grit.

•   Mental agility. Your eagerness to shift your thinking and double-loop learn requires a degree of cognitive flexibility that more ego-driven people can’t muster.

Curiosity Is the Key to Smart Thinking

Bertrand Russell said: “The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.” But I think that adopting a cocksure stance is what makes people stupid in the first place. Holding your view of “reality” as truth, as if you’ve got everything all figured out, leaves no space for learning. If you’re unable or unwilling to treat a view like a hypothesis and test it, you cripple your ability to think more intelligently. This is the reason rigorous curiosity is so powerful. It dramatically boosts learning. While the cocksure nurse their arrogance and stupidity, those full of doubt—who are curious, asking questions, and constantly seeking new ways of seeing and thinking about the world—grow ever more informed, humble, and wise.

Holding your view of “reality” as truth, as if you’ve got everything all figured out, leaves no space for learning.

Next Steps

The four basic skills for balancing candor and curiosity, when supported by disciplined awareness and a learning-oriented mindset, provide a powerful framework for seeing what’s being played in a conversation and then for playing what’s missing. The key is to use them competently in action—in a meeting or in an important conversation—even when someone is screaming obscenities in your face or calling your mother a foul name. That’s the focus of the next chapter in which I’ll share a range of ways you can build your facility with the skills. Then, in the chapter after that, you’ll learn that if you’re looking at it through the right lens, your workplace and all its imperfections provides a superb forum for practice.

* To review the concept of Joint Control, see pages 71–75 in Conversational Capacity.