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2 Manage Yourself—It's All About You

Job Requirements (continued):

Must consistently manage mood.
Take responsibility for one's actions and work.
Stay confident and calm when things go wrong.
Appreciate opportunity.

Let's talk about why we are starting with Manage Yourself instead of managing priorities, time, or communication. Because it all starts with us; we own our workday and the responsibility for making the most of it. Since the central focus of this book is the belief that the workday is filled with opportunities for us, then managing ourselves must be the starting point. We are the main character in our workday regardless of where we are working—the street, an office, home, traveling, a store, or online. And it doesn't matter whether we are just starting out to build a career, temping and collecting a paycheck, getting ready to launch a new life phase, or somewhere in between.

We have to bring and maintain our best self at work to have good workdays. So this chapter is all about you. Let's use knowing ourselves and managing ourselves to build the foundation to help us work effectively in any organizational culture, with different leadership styles, or managing various forms of work chaos until we find something that is a better fit for us. You will then have a great advantage that you will bring to every situation.

There are three ways to help us get this advantage:

Increase our self-awareness.
Examine our mindsets.
Examine our self-talk.

Let's look at a “Before” profile for Nicole in Scenario 1. Remember that Nicole got swept up in the drama that resulted from the unexpected change of her leader suddenly leaving. These events were certainly not under her control. However, there were some aspects of her workday that were under her control, and we will explore them in this chapter. Instead of going home with headaches and nagging worries about her work procrastination, perhaps Nicole could have gone home feeling differently if she changed some of her behaviors and managed herself.

“Before” Profile for Nicole

Manage Yourself

Wanted to be there for coworkers.
Liked work that required focus.
Needed this stepping-stone job for experience and tuition benefits.
Wasn't ready to start her own business.
Went home and brooded about continued uncertainty at work.
Mindset: I don't want to go to work anymore.

Focus on Priorities

Understood and validated work priorities.

Value Time and Energy

Gave away time to everyone and allowed constant interruptions.
Sometimes encouraged interruptions.

Communicate Effectively

Did not say no to people who wanted to talk about organization changes.
Sent direct emails to coworkers clarifying their roles on her project.
Listened to coworkers.

Confront, Challenge, and Conquer Chaos

Could not have foreseen the sudden departures of key people in her work life.
Sought information.
Validated her priorities with the interim leader.

You can see from Nicole's profile that like most of us, she had strengths and areas of weakness; she had her own motivations around work, and she saw this position as a stepping stone to something else she really wanted: to work for herself in her own business.

Let's leave Nicole for now and consider how the ideas and tools in this chapter could have helped her in an “After” profile to improve her workday. To build the foundation of being able to manage ourselves (which Nicole needed to do), we start with self-awareness.

Self-awareness

Self-awareness has several puzzle pieces that fit together to give us knowledge and understanding about ourselves. What do you need to know about yourself to help get the most from your workdays?

Your personality.
Your needs, goals, and dreams.
How you behave and interact at work.

Daniel Goleman's critical work in leadership and emotional intelligence connects self-awareness with emotional intelligence: “Self-awareness is the first component of emotional intelligence.”¹ Self-awareness is that honest understanding of our strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and actions, and the starting point is personality.

Your Personality

Learning about our personality is a good starting point for becoming self-aware of our strengths, preferences, weaknesses, and impact on other people. Learning about personality can also help us understand why we usually react the way we do, how we act differently under stress, and be an eye-opening “aha moment” that everyone is not like us.

The Encyclopedia of Psychology online (www.apa.org/topics/personality) describes personality as individual differences in characteristic patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. The study of personality focuses on two broad areas: One is understanding individual differences in particular personality characteristics, such as sociability or irritability. The other is understanding how the various parts of a person come together as a whole.

One common method to learn more about your personality is to take an assessment such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). Along with Myers-Briggs, there is DISC profile, CliftonStrengths (created by Gallup and championed by Marcus Buckingham), and others. I suggest that you consider using a personality assessment if you have not already had that experience. If you have taken one, take it out, dust it off, and refresh yourself with your report.

There are other tools that can also be helpful, such as the Hogan Personality Inventory or IPIP-NEO Assessment of the “Big Five” personality dimensions. In an article for the Harvard Business Review, Ben Dattner wrote about the Hogan Personality Inventory and the NEO, stating that these “are likely to identify some hard-hitting development themes for almost anyone brave enough to take them, for example telling you that you are set in your ways, likely to anger easily, and take criticism too personally.”²

Being brave and getting to know our personality and other personality types may include learning about what causes us stress and how we react under stress. This information should increase our self-awareness in terms of workday needs. According to Daniel Goldman, there is also a mind-body connection to be aware of: “The physiological state of your whole body can drastically affect how you respond in a given situation if you don't pay attention to it. (For example, a study in 2011 indicated that judges hand down stricter sentences when they're hungry.)”³ So if you are not eating well as part of having a good workday, beware of talking and sending email if you have not had a healthy lunch!

What does it really mean to be self-aware and to bring my personality to the workday? My personality prefers some quiet for reflection as well as time for connection and energizing. I am attracted to the big picture; too many detailed tasks make me lose energy and feel tired more quickly than others who love the order and creativity of forms, charts, and numbers. When under stress, my communication might become too direct and abrupt. When you and I work together, I may not close down the design soon enough since I don't see that need for closure that you might. When I feel like I am being attacked by someone, I will not shrink away. And, I am someone who definitely needs lunch before responding.

Recently, I said goodbye to a workplace in which I spent a year and a half as a member of a team. I thought I was communicating information about my work, next steps, and history to the rest of the team, but realized that I was sounding defensive (because I felt on the spot) and had to stop and figure out what was really going on. My intention had been to make sure I was sharing everything with the people who would keep moving forward with the work we started together. My focus was on the tasks and not admitting my variety of emotions of pride in the work, the loss of the team, and saying goodbye.

I recommend something I call an emotion watch, which is taking the time, especially during stressful change at work, to reflect on what you are feeling and thinking and how that may be showing up at work. This doesn't have to take up much time and the results can have a positive impact on preventing misunderstandings, lousy communication, and damaged work relationships.

Start by identifying the things you say and do when you are under stress. For example, are there certain tough words, impatient phrases, or questions such as “What do you need now?” that indicate you are bothered by something and not at your best? Are there physical expressions such as tapping your foot or rolling your eyes that indicate certain emotions are rising and may need to be managed? I like to get a head start and will identify certain times, certain meetings, certain people, and certain situations in which I need to be very aware of my expressions, reactions, and interpretations.

The workdays may be filled with tasks, deadlines, and problems, but the need for understanding our emotions and behaviors has not gone away. Appreciating our unique personality is part of the self-awareness foundation to show us what we need to be productive, engaged, and satisfied at work even in the midst of chaos. There are two other components of the self-awareness foundation suggested in this book. The next section will present the importance of knowing our basic needs, goals, and dreams for the future.

Your Needs, Goals, and Dreams

Why do you work? One of the reasons that many of us work is that we need and want to generate income for supporting ourselves and our families. In Scenario 1, Nicole said that she basically enjoyed her actual work, but the drama and change around her challenged her enjoyment and productivity. However, she also needed to work, wanted build up to at least five years tenure, and wanted to finish her degree under the tuition assistance benefit.

In the Introduction, I suggested that work could be filled with opportunities and potential such as:

Income.
Benefits.
Good relationships.
Networking contacts.
Fun.
Status.
A chance to make a difference.
Achievement.
Learning and development.
A springboard to your goals and vision for your life.

In return, the agreement has largely been between you and your organization (even if you own your own business) that you will give time, talent, and energy, and will complete tasks and projects that are part of your job description, contract, or goals. In return, the organization will compensate you (pay, benefits, incentives) and provide resources, a fair and safe work environment, and opportunities. But the work world has become tougher for organizations and the people who work in them, and this means the agreement may not be as straightforward as it was in the past.

We know from our own experiences that the agreement is being challenged, especially as evidenced by employee engagement, retention, productivity, morale, and profits. Much attention and money is being spent to understand and improve engagement numbers while at the same time linking engagement to organization success. Various thought leaders, researchers, and organizations like Gallup have studied employee satisfaction, engagement, productivity, and loyalty; and the picture does not look good and has been trending downward. An article on Gallup News presents not only the low percentage of engaged employees but also the variance in engagement scores accounted for by managers. “Unless employees assume some measure of responsibility for their own engagement, the efforts of their organizations, leaders, managers and teams may have a limited effect on improving engagement.”⁴

Therefore, since we have responsibility for our engagement, I propose that we not wait for the leaders and the experts to figure this out. We need to be part of determining what we need. Going back to Stephen Covey's Circle of Influence, what part of this, if any, is under our influence and control? Understanding your own job satisfaction and motivation factors is a good place to start. Motivation changes throughout our lives; people can have more than one motivator at the same time and motivation varies from person to person. These are the various types of internal motivators discussed by Frederick Herzberg, Daniel Pink, and David McClelland: achievement, responsibility, growth and development, power, affiliation, contribution to mission, recognition, autonomy, mastery, and purpose.

I gravitate to Daniel Pink's three motivators of autonomy, mastery, and purpose⁵ when I think of what motivates me today (and to different degrees in the past). I find these motivators help me to understand and manage myself at work. Even in my unhappiest of workdays during which autonomy or purpose was missing, there was usually something to learn and figure out about myself to improve either my knowledge or attitude. That insight and reframing are powerful tools that gave me better workdays, especially in those stopgap roles or jobs. This can make the difference between “I can't wait to get out of here” and “someday this experience will come in handy.”

Mind Tools (www.mindtools.com) is also a good source for information to help understand motivation (and other topics). In articles and workshops, there may be discussion and disagreement on whether or not managers motivate their team members. However, the motivational factors included above are a natural part of individuals and, although effective managers create a work environment that allows team members to tap into their own internal motivation, individuals do not have to wait on someone else to figure out their drives, needs, and dreams in order to seek opportunities.

So what is your current situation and how does your role or job match up with your current motivation?

Application Tool: What Kind of Job Do You Have?

At this point, it will be good for you to stop and consider what type of a job you have or role you play in your current position and organization:

I have my dream job right now.
My current job is one more step toward the job/role I really want.
My current job will lead me right to the job I have worked for and dreamed about.
My current job is a stopgap measure while I earn an income and plan and set goals for the job/role I seek.
Other (your description).

With all the harsh reality, data, analysis, and spotlight on disengagement and stress from workday challenges, it is important to take a balanced look at our needs, expectations met, and what we gain from work. The next tool can help us to gain this perspective.

Application Tool: Workday Balance Reflection

This is an important tool to guide your reflection on gaining a balanced perspective of your current work situation. In the middle of day-to-day survival, it is easy to forget, miss, and overlook some important factors:

What drew you to your organization's mission in the first place.
Your own development, growth, and progress.
Your long-term goals, dreams, and vision.
Your progress and achievements (big and small).
Your team and organization's progress and achievements.
Pride in yourself, team, and organization.

In workshops we talk about how important it is to step away from work so that you can get out of the weeds to take a larger view, reflect, and talk to others who may even be strangers. This tool can be used to help you remember, consider, take action, and reframe some negatives into positives.

Take some time and reflect on your workday by noting what you are both receiving and what you are contributing. The following questions should be considered:

Part 1: What are you receiving from your work and organization?

Income.
Benefits.
Flexibility (work from home, hours, schedule, and so on).
Enjoyable and fulfilling work.
Development and growth.
Role models, coaches, mentors, and contacts.
Good relationships.
Recognition.
Responsibility.
Chance to make a difference.
Status/prestige.
Challenges.
New skills.
Confidence.

Part 2: What are you contributing?

Timely and quality completion of goals, projects, and tasks.
Teamwork and collaboration.
Innovation and creativity.
Positive energy and interest.
Flexibility and openness to change.

Part 3: Compare what you are receiving with what you contribute.

Be sure that to remind yourself of both sides: all that you are giving as well as what you are gaining from work, which is sometimes easy to forget. What are your insights from the balance sheet? Does this confirm your assessment of your current role or job with your current motivation?

Dream job.
Stepping stone.
Springboard.
Stopgap.

How is your current work/job helping you get closer to your goals and dreams?

Part 4: What are your workday opportunities and next steps within your influence?

It's not enough to know your personality, style, needs, goals, dreams, and vision. There are two other puzzle pieces to find out: How are you acting and behaving? How are you perceived at work?

Workday Interactions

People bring a lot of stuff to work—their personality, attitude, motivations, needs, and goals—and usually interact with many people (even if working in a virtual environment). Here is where the rubber meets the road: How do you and the other people you work with treat each other?

The good news about our interactions and behavior is that we can change our behavior. Many of us would like to change other people's behavior and, for the most part, we know that can be pretty tough to do. Come on now, it's hard enough to change our own. So our first focus is on ourselves and how we are perceived at work by others—in person, at a conference, on the phone, or in a text or email.

First let's go back and consider all that stuff that we bring with us to work. Visualize the tip of an iceberg of which we only see a small part of what lies beneath the water. Our tip of the iceberg is our behavior (visual, vocal, and verbal) that other people see and react to. Typically we don't necessarily see a person's values, beliefs, dreams, past experiences, emotions; these can be hidden below the surface. There can be a wide gap between our intentions (that people at work may not know) and our behavior, along with the interpretations that people make based on our behavior.

As human beings we are constantly taking in information, interpreting that information, and forming our perceptions. You can imagine how under normal circumstances there is a lot of room for misunderstanding each other, especially when we don't know each other very well. Behaviors vary based not only on personality but also generation, national culture, and gender. So our awareness of how we act during the workday is a critical skill not only for our success but also the quality of our work relationships. Let's look at some situations to which we bring our behavior.

Meetings
- Pay attention to where you choose to sit. Do you seek out the same people or sit with people you don't know?
- Do people tend to overlook what you say or do they speak up and praise or add on to your contributions?
One-on-one meetings
- If you disagree with something, do you speak up assertively or keep quiet and think before speaking?
Large events
- Do you join in exercises, volunteer to lead small groups, or step out with your smart phone?
Casual conversation and socializing
- Are you comfortable making conversation with people you don't work with or do you avoid getting to know people in this setting?
Problem or possible problem
- Do you stay neutral, curb your impatience, or dial up to your aggressive self?

The following is an example of when my behavior—the tip of the iceberg—had the potential to negatively impact my workday. I needed the emotion watch and mindset check to get it together. (This might apply to you when waiting to use a copier, printer, or for someone to show up to repair your computer.)

Recently, my workday included a summer Saturday working on a writing project. I got up early to be the first one at a local printing/copying/mailing center to print some documents. I was the first one there. I was ready to pounce, but held my impatience in check, or so I thought. The store manager was about ten minutes late and told me she was a last-minute substitute. I smiled for a moment and stayed calm. I confess that I did rush in ready to politely push over any other real or imagined people who might try to cut ahead of me.

I quickly signed on to the computer station I needed and was all set to print. However, the printer was not ready; it was disabled and tension started to rise. Oh no, this is not a good start. What now? The manager told me to email my documents to her and she would print them for me. It sounded like a good plan, so I followed her instructions. Time was passing and she appeared confused, looking at long lists of documents. I stayed on my side of the counter knowing that moving to her side was aggressive and not allowed. My usually calm and easygoing attitude was being tested and I asked what was wrong. The manager didn't respond and finally printing started ... and went on and on. My fake smile was gone and I ended up going behind the counter!

Things got worse before they got better, but I will stop here. As I walked home, I had one of those “aha moments” realizing how my mindset and behavior could have been positive instead of negative. I also wondered what the store manager was thinking about me. She couldn't know everything that was going on in my workday; she only got to experience my behavior in her store. This was not my regular workplace, but if it were, I would have made a bad impression on a coworker.

Let's look at that workday through the lens of my beliefs, attitude, mindset, self-talk, and behaviors:

I won't have enough time today.
Going to that print/copy/mail center is always a gamble in terms of service.
I feel like I'm already behind the day.
My body language: tense posture, unsmiling face, rolling eyes.
My voice: terse, clipped, impatient.
My words: to the point, limited to questions and needs.

I could have used the following self-check and some feedback about my interactions at that copy center. I not only impacted my workday but had the potential to impact the store manager for the better or worse.

Application Tool: Self-Check

You can ask yourself these questions to help see your impact on others:

Do people want to work with you and seek you out for advice and feedback?
Do people feel free to critique your work or approach you?
Can you disagree without getting angry?
Do you often gossip negatively about coworkers?
Can people trust you?
Do you manage your emotions most of the time or do you usually react either aggressively or passively, letting your feelings take over?
Do you tolerate or enjoy different personalities, styles, and generations?
Do you know how to respectfully set boundaries and stand up for yourself with people—even those in positional power?
Are you aware of your tone of voice, body language, and choice of words when you are under stress, pressure, or conflict?

If you don't know how you act/behave and what your impact is on others, what can you do?

Ask for feedback and really listen.
Seek a coach, formal or informal mentor, or role model.
Review any feedback that you received in the past.
Observe how people act when they are around you.

Many see the strategy and tool of asking for feedback as a strength. However, there are still some real challenges in both giving and receiving feedback. In many cases we lack a positive intention and skill to both give and receive feedback.

Jay Jackman and Myra Strober wrote about people avoiding feedback and fearing criticism: “Most of us have to train ourselves to seek feedback and listen carefully when we hear it.”⁶

Jackman and Strober also wrote of the positive results from overcoming the fear of feedback. “Those who learn to adapt to feedback can free themselves of old patterns . . . acknowledge negative emotions, constructively reframe fear and criticism, develop realistic goals, create support systems, and reward themselves.”⁷

This section has explored much of what people bring to their workday: personality, needs, goals, dreams, and vision, and our behavior. In the next section, the two remaining pieces of the puzzle—mindset and self-talk—will be discussed.

Check your mindset because self-awareness is not enough!

Now that you know yourself, you need to examine your own workday mindsets and test for effectiveness. I did this in telling you about my behavior that followed from some negative mindsets at the copying center. Webster Dictionary defines mindset as an attitude, disposition, or mood, and an intention, inclination, habit. Our mindset then becomes an asset or liability at work.

There are three more working people that I want to tell you about because I can't forget them even after very brief encounters.

The first was a dynamic executive talking to a group of managers at a leadership conference. She began her talk by telling the managers that she chose her mood each day. That made an impression on most people sitting there who worked in various areas of a changing industry. Many of these people knew that their work futures and lives were changing forever and had their own beliefs about these changes. The executive's words were a powerful selfdisclosure and a challenge to this group of leaders who had varying attitudes, moods, and lots of issues—their own and their teams'.

The next person was a young college graduate, in her first job after graduation as a real estate rental agent. This was probably not her dream job. However, she brought such gusto, persistence, and good nature that I ended up choosing the rental property that she represented. I had several young competing agents at different properties, but none like her. This particular rental market was a tough one, with so much competition and varied pricing. When I was ready to walk away due to price, she would not give up, insisted that I belonged in that apartment, and worked with her manager to come up with a solution. I knew she was a great asset to her company because her mindset placed her above the competition. When all the other competing agents moved on to the next prospect, she refused to stop working.

On a recent taxi ride, the driver told me about working at a big box store. Although that job was not his dream job, his approach to working there was a positive one, which differed from some coworkers who would not bring their best. He distinguished himself in his work ethic and also told me about his hidden skills: organizing, managing logistics, and leading others. He was concerned that he didn't have a degree. I hope he went on to get the degree but I think he was far ahead in managing himself and his mindset. I've seen enough to know that education alone will not guarantee workday happiness.

What do these three people—with very different positions and status, and in different generations—have in common? They each had a positive and powerful mindset about their current position/job and brought these approaches to their day. Carol Dweck, the author Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (Random House, 2016), contrasts what she described as fixed mindsets with growth mindsets in her work.

As we have acknowledged that there are a lot things not in our direct control, let's look at a partial list of what we do control:

Mood and attitude.
Behavior and reactions.
Involvement, interest, and ideas.
Treatment of coworkers.
Personal boundaries.
Our communication.

That's a powerful list to start with, and the importance of mindset is getting more and more attention. Here are some examples of positive mindsets:

I can always improve.
Mistakes correct me.
There is no limit to what I can learn.
Challenge is a springboard.
My attitude and effort create my future.
Successful people are helpful.
I will never give up.⁸

Could any of these mindsets be yours?

This too shall pass.
I am marking time and can't wait until this is over.
It was a good day, not perfect, but I did the best I could.
Another lousy day ahead with too much to do.
I could learn a lot from this failure.
I can't do anything about these problems.
I will escalate when necessary.

It is not my purpose here to hand out mindsets; only you can, and should, choose the right ones for you. However, I strongly recommend that you examine yours and perhaps develop some new ones to help you be more productive, engaged, satisfied, and happier at the end of the day. Choose or create a mindset that really matters to you for a week, month, or any period of time. Focus on that one periodically throughout the day. Put it on your smartphone, office wall, anywhere visual reminders would be helpful. You could even set an alarm during the day as long as that does not become a negative distraction. Make your mindset check a positive interruption!

Application Tool: Workday Chats and Check-ins

Armed with your best intentions and positive mindset, you will be tested even before you head to work. Chatting with ourselves can be a tool and necessity to stay on track in our efforts to make the most of the workday. The following examples are key mindset check-in and self-talk opportunities. Review them to catch your self-talk conversation and timing.

Commuting

During breaks

Going home

I don't know what your conversations with yourself are, but I do know it's better for me if I think as positively as I can throughout the day. I admit I have to watch myself a lot in order to get back to the hopeful talk.

Let's get back to Nicole (Scenario 1) and look at some changes that she could make to improve her workdays. Nicole faced an unexpected loss of her manager that resulted in some drama, lots of talking, and a loss of focus on the actual work. These are all normal reactions and results from change, even though on paper it may seem like no big deal. These changes can be a big deal when there are so many unknowns and we want to hold on to any stability we have. Changes and choices that Nicole has are noted in italics and include changes that will be discussed in the chapters that follow. However, notice all the options under the “Manage Yourself” section that Nicole does have and note that these are under her control.