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STEP 5


BE GRATEFUL

Gratitude is not only the greatest of all virtues,
but the parent of all the others.
Cicero

Gratitude is the third applied virtue that transforms us. Even more than the other two virtues of self-compassion and faith, gratitude bolsters us as we make our mayday calls. It braces and supports both self-compassion and faith. By seeing how we’ve already been blessed, it’s easier to believe we will be blessed again. With gratitude in our hearts, all applied virtues come to us more naturally. Cicero was right, gratitude “is the parent of all others.”

Step 5: Be Grateful, Practice Gratitude

While self-compassion compels us to ask for the help we need, and faith centers us as we make our request, gratitude allows us to hear the response with an open heart. We naturally feel grateful hearing a response of yes, but can we feel the same way if the dreaded no is delivered instead? This, then, is the power of gratitude: the prospect of hearing “no” causes us no fear. With gratitude, we will truly be grateful even if a request isn’t fulfilled.

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Distractions

Even with all that gratitude does for us, we often forget to be grateful. We forget because we remain focused on the wrong things.

It becomes all too easy, especially when we are at our weakest, to notice only what is missing, what doesn’t yet exist, or what existed but is no longer present. Our fears nag at us, warning that we risk too much when we ask for help. They insist, “You might lose what little you do have of love, safety, and self-respect.”

We spend so much of our energy making sure we have all we could ever want—and more. We’ve created a habit out of acquisition. If we aren’t out at the shopping malls, then we’re paging through catalogs or ordering items online. Shopping isn’t a purely American pasttime any more. It’s practically the national sport of Singapore and Japan. Yet are we any more grateful for what we have? Does having more make us feel gratitude? The opposite appears to be true: Our constant buying habits de-value what we already possess.

This attention to what’s missing also affects not just our purchases but our personal relationships too. The divorce rate, for example, is as high as it has ever been. Couples complain about what’s missing in their marriage rather than celebrating what is already there. I wonder if some of these relationships really need to be “fixed.” What if each spouse appreciated, with sincerity and love, the person sleeping on the other side of the bed?

We also have an economy that is based on what’s missing. The central tenet of capitalism is the law of supply and demand. Value is placed on those items that are scarce. This means that those things we have plenty of are seen as less important or less valuable.

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At work, we direct our impressive analytical skills to the problems at hand. Not meeting our goals? Let’s analyze what’s wrong. An employee giving us trouble? Let’s see what mistakes have been made in developing him. Rarely do we attend to the abundant talents and skills that keep our businesses going. Instead we learn to analyze and criticize, and we promote those who can identify what’s wrong fastest and fix it quickest.

What I’ve been describing is the philosophy of scarcity. This cockeyed focus on lack, on what’s missing, and on self-protection comes from a central belief that resources are scarce. We reason that if a thing is rare, then there may not be enough for us! Victoria Castle writes in The Trance of Scarcity of how we even feel we are “not enough.” Not good enough, smart enough, or talented enough to get what we want. Castle explains that we don’t even know we’re addicted to this idea of “not enough”—we’re caught in a trance.

The work world is starting to recognize the opposite philosophy, the presence of abundance. Instead of seeing what is missing, perhaps we need to see what is already present. A fascinating change management theory developed by Dr. David Cooperrider of Case Western University is called Appreciative Inquiry (AI). Cooperrider’s approach relies on individual and group strengths to create organizational change. AI capitalizes on what we already do well. It is the antithesis of traditional change management methods that zero in on the identification and elimination of issues (read problems). Instead, AI incorporates a deliberate examination of success and explores ways to create more of it.

Introducing the concept of AI to an individual or group elicits a predictable response, “How can AI possibly work? If we only spend time on what we do right, when do we fix the problem?” That’s just the point. The skills of critique and analysis are so ingrained in our business psyches that we automatically seek out what’s wrong and what’s missing. It doesn’t occur to most of us to begin by looking at our assets.

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TRY THIS SCARCITY - BASED DISTRACTIONS

What distracts you from seeing abundance in your own life? Focusing on what’s missing increases stress, which is not something we need more of when asking for help. Spend time getting clear on your personal distractions.

• Spend one day recording in your notebook or journal those times when you found yourself focusing on the negative. Review your notes at the end of the day and see if there were times when you could have chosen to see a situation, event, or interaction differently. Then spend the next day focusing only on the positive. Now that your awareness has been piqued, look for more opportunities to acknowledge and celebrate the abundance around you.
• Observe how others see life. Do they talk and act from a starting point of scarcity? Listen to their words, as they reflect what is felt inside. Watch their behaviors, since these also reflect their hidden beliefs.
• Instead of skipping over or ignoring television commercials, watch them all for just one evening. See how many messages of scarcity you can identify. What do the advertisers imply you will lose if you don’t buy their products? What do they imply will happen if you do? Which of your fears do their products protect you from?

What if, instead of focusing our attention on what’s missing or wrong, we turned our gaze toward the blessings we already possess? What if we broke the addiction of “not enough?” What if we deliberately and with serious consideration looked at life the way it was meant to be seen—as full of abundance? What if, instead, we created new practices based on mindful appreciation?

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The Applied Virtue of Gratitude

That’s where gratitude begins, of course—with appreciation. Defined by Encarta World English Dictionary as a “full understanding of the meaning and importance of something,” appreciation is a simple, uncomplicated emotion. If sympathy is the seed that can blossom into self-compassion, and hope is the spark that can inspire our faith, then appreciation is the starting point for the applied virtue of gratitude. Like sympathy and hope, appreciation results in minor actions, not much more than a nod of the head or a spoken thank-you. Appreciation is a wonderful feeling, but it isn’t enough to support us as we reach out from our own vulnerability and ask for the help we deserve.

We know that each of the seed emotions (sympathy, hope, and appreciation) must be paired with another element to take us to the level of applied virtue. Sympathy needs action, hope needs a leap of faith. Appreciation requires mindfulness. Mindfulness transforms simple appreciation into the life-changing virtue of gratitude.

Appreciation + Mindfulness = Gratitude

If we can break the trance that scarcity holds over us, if we can remember to pay attention to the abundance that already exists, then gratitude has a chance to grow.

Do you remember Gina? Overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood and an unemployed husband, Gina required substantial help to get her life back in order. All she could see in front of her was her long list of obligations and worries. By focusing on all that was wrong, Gina inadvertently invited more of it into her life. Gina didn’t realize that continuing to concentrate on the unhappiness in her life only brought her more unhappiness. As unpleasant as it might be, our bodies and psyches become accustomed to this state, making personal change even more difficult.

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Caught in perpetual unhappiness, Gina resisted the idea of asking anyone for help. Even though my arguments about self-compassion and faith were intriguing to her, they weren’t enough to shift her out of her miserable state. Trying to facilitate change on a grand or small scale doesn’t work when one only appeals to the intellect. I couldn’t talk Gina into crying Mayday! I gave up trying; I let her convince herself.

I directed Gina to go to the whiteboard and to write out, in large bold letters, as many of her life’s blessings she could think of. Gina wrote a name at the very top of her list. I asked if it was her husband’s. Gina turned to me and smiled for the first time that day, “No, it’s my son.” Buoyed by the thought of her little boy, Gina went to work creating a long list of blessings that soon covered the entire whiteboard.

To truly experience the AV of gratitude, we must remain aware of all that is important and of value. Deliberate awareness helps us attract a new energy, the grateful kind. Drowning in her own pain, Gina had forgotten all about her personal treasures. She desperately needed to become mindful of a different reality: how blessed she really was. Immediately, her overall perspective began to change. The applied virtue of gratitude cleared her mind of fear-based static and made possible a series of mayday calls.

Lost in fear and weak with exhaustion, we lose track of reality. Fear enjoys this because it now has a fertile environment in which to grow. Once rooted, it presents a reality where we are doomed to separation, shame, and surrender. Don’t believe it; fear lies to us about what is real. The last thing fear wants us to discover is that our existence is amazingly different. Fear doesn’t want us to remember the love we already have, the safety and security we already possess, and the health and well-being that supports our life. Contrary to what

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THE APPLIED VIRTUE MATRIX

Applied Virtue	Definition	The Emotional Seed	Combined with	The Hidden Message
Gratitude	A profound appreciation for life's blessings	Appreciation: an understanding of the importance or value of something	Mindfulness	You are blessed!

the ego wants us to believe, gratitude’s message is based in truth: We are blessed. This is the hidden message that our fear doesn’t want us to discover.

Simply by standing and writing in large colorful letters, Gina’s focus swung from scarcity to abundance. She stopped looking at was missing and began noticing and celebrating what was in front of her all along. The AV of gratitude took hold of Gina. In that very moment, I watched as she breathed the first breath of her new life.

I know what Gina felt that day. We’ve all been in that dark emotional alley, waiting for the worst to happen when suddenly a light comes on and drives the shadows away. Gratitude is not just a little light, but a beacon that displays, in complete clarity, all the gifts of love and life that have been given to you. While your fears insist on pointing out what you might not have, gratitude proclaims the hidden and very real truth that you are blessed.

TRY THIS YOUR GRATITUDE LIST

What are you grateful for? Use the suggestions below to help you create your list.

• Within my relationships, I am grateful for______________________
• Within my work environment, I am grateful for__________________
• Within my social circle, I am grateful for_______________________
• Within my home, I am grateful for____________________________
• Within my hobbies and interests, I am grateful for_______________
  ________________________________________________________
• Within my long list of talents, I am grateful for__________________
  ________________________________________________________

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Gratitude’s Effect on Our Bodies and Minds

Grateful people smile, not just with their mouths, but with their eyes, too. Their faces radiate a warmth that comes from within. It’s as though they have a secret that no one else knows. Grateful people know they are lucky. They perceive that not only do they have all that they need, but they have more than most.

When the AV of gratitude takes hold of us, we experience an emotional and physical lightness, perhaps because we feel less encumbered by worries and cares. These concerns no longer have the power to weigh us down. With gratitude, our backs remain unbowed. If we bend at all, it is only to offer a silent word or two of thanksgiving.

Our gestures are careful when we are possessed by gratitude. Those who appreciate the value of their gifts always treat them with tenderness. If we ask to borrow anything—money, a car, a vacuum—then we will treat it respectfully, making sure that it is returned safely. If we require a personal favor, we will protect the generosity of our friends.

Our words change when we believe that our needs will be met. Remember how faith helps us speak our appeals plainly and without confusion? When gratitude is added to the mix, each word spoken will be delivered with appreciation. It is difficult to describe, but gratitude-soaked sentences almost seem, well, happy. Gratitude helps us to not care about what’s missing. Instead of complaining, my mind and voice will say, “I am lucky,” and “I am blessed.”

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Gratitude alters our personal frequencies. We vibrate at a different level, knowing that we are blessed. There is a frisson, a smooth electricity, that moves through our bodies. Our physical selves and language can’t help but reflect the happiness born of a deep appreciation of good fortune.

Acting from Gratitude

Each applied virtue directly affects our actions and language. If we possess self-compassion and faith, our behaviors and words will be compassionate and faithful. In the same way, the emotion of appreciation and the AV of gratitude have their own associated behaviors. Both move us to make offerings of thanks. With the seed emotion of appreciation, we show our thankfulness in small ways such as a verbal thank-you or a written note. The AV of gratitude, on the other hand, causes us to not just say thanks, but to give thanks.

Deliberate and profound appreciation—gratitude—is almost too big a feeling to keep in. It must be given in return. When I experience gratitude, I feel as though my heart is simultaneously heavy with love and light with joy. As I meditate on this virtue, I imagine myself standing with my arms raised in a meadow filled with flowers. The sun peeks in and out between the clouds. There is a slight breeze. In my mind’s eye I see thousands of flowers springing from my chest. Blooms of all colors tumble out of me, covering the ground and mixing in with those that have already taken root. This image, for me, is one of offering, of giving thanks. I see it as a reciprocation of blessings, a giving back for all that I have received. (I’ve found it more than serendipitous that many of the well-known quotes on gratitude apply the metaphor of flowers. For example, from Henry Ward Beecher, “Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul.” How perfect! Gratitude is the natural beauty that cannot be contained—it must be released.)

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When gratitude takes hold of our souls, we become naturally effusive. Yet, even as we burst with thanks, we know that our words will fail to convey the depth of our thankfulness. Perhaps that’s why we use phrases like, “thanks a million” or “thanks a bunch.” When the AV of gratitude is present, once is not enough. It’s not just the number of times we offer thanks, gratitude generates so much bountiful pleasure that we can’t just credit one person—we thank the Universe, too.

Giving thanks to God—or if you prefer, to the natural order of things—is a common reaction to the AV of gratitude. Deep in our psyches, we realize that all good fortune originates somewhere, and for many this means God, “from whom all blessings flow.” This isn’t just church-speak, this is a reference to some people’s understanding of how the universe works.

Not only does gratitude move us to thank our benefactors, it compels us to share our good fortune. Generosity is a natural spin-off. When we are deeply grateful, we become eager to offer whatever it is we have. And that is infinitely easier when we have made the deliberate choice to focus on the abundance of life.

In addition to moving us to say and give thanks, gratitude opens our hearts and our ears. It enables us to listen honestly without judgment to whatever response comes from our helpmate. A no response will matter less to us because we understand in our bones that we are blessed. A yes will only serve to confirm our belief that the world is an abundant place and that help is available, if we only ask for it.

Anytime we ask for assistance, we create a potentially stressful situation for our helpmate. It is hard to know which emotions may be triggered. Depending on her situation, your helper might feel pleased or panicked, happy or disinclined to help. Remember to direct compassion toward her, just as you direct it toward your self. The relaxed and carefree attitude you feel will create a space for authenticity and honest conversation.

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Encouraged by the AV of gratitude, we say thank you—no matter the response. And, we give thanks—no matter the response. We listen with open hearts—no matter what.

Learning the AV of Gratitude

We learn the basics of gratitude as children. When we are young we are taught that saying thank-you is the appropriate response for any act of generosity directed toward us. Neglecting to say thanks when we are little is excusable, but to forget to say thank-you when we are adults is unjustifiable. So, our elders make every effort to instill this basic lesson of civil company. But is learning to say thank-you the same as learning gratitude? Not quite.

While our elders teach us about saying thanks, most of us learn the deep lessons of the applied virtues during personal epiphanies. Gina’s epiphany came at the whiteboard. Laura experienced her awakening with a snowflake.

A powerhouse of a boss, Laura was able to accomplish great things with her very small staff. Part of her approach to driving her team, however, was to focus on the negative. Laura possessed a scarcity mentality and as a result perceived only what was missing or wrong. Her sharp analytical skills helped her zero in on the mistakes and problems made by her staff and peers. After a while it became painfully clear to her that this negative approach did nothing to inspire her team, nor did it nourish her with the optimistic energy she really craved.

One snowy midwestern day as we sat in a conference room, I realized that the only thing that Laura lacked was gratitude for what she had. As I listened to her talk, I gazed out the window. It was one of those stunningly beautiful days when there was so much light bouncing off the snow that it hurt to look for long. It was too good an opportunity to miss. I told Laura to grab her coat and within a few minutes we were outside.

Standing in the snow in her dress shoes, Laura was just uncomfortable enough to want to go back inside. She was also more than a little worried that someone from upper management might see her and wonder if she had lost her mind. I recognized these complaints as ego-based. My intuition told me that Laura had been too comfortable in her old habits and that her worry about the opinion of others (fear of shame) was working against her. After a while, when she realized I wasn’t going to let her go back inside, she decided to play along. I asked her to look around and tell me what she saw.

She raised her eyes and then slowly lowered them. Laura had followed the descent of a single snowflake to her coat sleeve. She stared at it for a long while—it was way too cold for it to melt. When she finally looked up again, I saw that everything about her had changed. Her face beamed with joy.

Laura had rediscovered gratitude. Through that one snowflake, a new reality had been revealed. Laura finally perceived the beauty and abundance that was all around her. She also understood that she had a choice: She could complain about the snow in her expensive pumps or she could behold the beauty and perfection that transcended the cold. What’s more, Laura finally grasped that she could make the same choice back inside in her warm and dry office. She could choose to see only what was wrong or she could see beyond all that to the talented team that she had recruited.

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TRY THIS GENERATE GRATITUDE

Here are some ways to make gratitude a part of your day.

• Keep a Gratitude Journal. Oprah Winfrey advocated this as an ongoing practice a few years ago on her television show. Every day record at least five things, people, events, and situations for which you are grateful.
• Meditate on gratitude. With each new meditation, ask yourself a question such as, “When was the last time I felt gratitude?” And “How can I bring the joy of gratitude into my life every day?” Or “What would my life be like if I lived and acted from gratitude?”
• Choose to be aware of your blessings. Once a day, identify someone for whom you are grateful. Pay attention to all they do for you and how they impact your life. Record your thoughts in your journal.
• Take a walk. Pay particular attention to the innocuous elements of your neighborhood: sidewalks, mailboxes, curbs, parking signs, and trash cans. Ask yourself, “How can I be grateful for these mundane blessings?”
• Have a party. Invite friends and family over and ask them to bring a list of their own blessings. Ask each person to share their list and then toast each other in celebration of the abundance of life.

Changing Perceptions with the AV of Gratitude

Like all of the applied virtues, gratitude has the potential to change our lives—if we let it. Gratitude sheds light on the darkness and reveals a different, more accurate existence. It causes the gaps to narrow, the empty emotional spaces to diminish and our needs to become surmountable. It gives us back our smiles.

Even in the depth of our need, we can rediscover gratitude. When we do, our relationships and circumstances are put into perspective. Nothing seems as it was. Melody Beattie, author of The Language of Letting Go, writes, “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.” Gratitude does all this.

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Even those who experience the worst that life has to offer know the power of gratitude to help them escape their pain, survive their trials, and thrive in a new life. Yvonne had a terrifying childhood filled with abuse, neglect, and drugs. Yet every day, she tells me, she remains thankful for her life. She knows that every past moment of pain and anguish has influenced who she is today. I can attest that she is a remarkable woman. As hard as it is to believe, and as difficult as it is to rein in our anger and disgust at such criminal behavior, Yvonne feels compassion for her tormentors.

I marvel at her resilience, as well as her ability to view the crimes against her as gifts—as blessings. If she can perceive the conditions of her life differently, we can do the same with our own.

The Choice: The AV of Gratitude

When Yvonne first told me the details of how she had been used as a child, I was horrified. It is hard to believe that anyone could have survived her experiences, let alone grown into a well-adjusted adult.

I asked her how she came through it all. She replied that at eighteen, after living on her own for two years, she realized she needed help. She put herself into therapy. During these sessions, she understood that all that had happened to her could be interpreted differently, not only as a painful chapter, but as a gift. She discovered that, each and every day, she would have to make a purposeful decision to be grateful. Gratitude showed her how to transform her life into an abundant reality.

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Yvonne is an extraordinarily wise woman. As a young adult, she understood she could easily allow her past to become the nightmares of her present and future. No one would have blamed her if she had decided to hold onto the pain and misery. This would have been the easy way out. But she wanted a life where the power of those who abused her would be diminished. She wanted to love, not dread, every new day. Rather than remaining reactive to the past, she made the hard choice to be proactive, to appreciate deeply the blessings of each new day.

This woman, who lived through a life most of us couldn’t even imagine, made a deliberate choice to see her experiences not only for what they were, but for what they are now. Gratitude has shown her a new reality and given her a new life.

TRY THIS WHO IS YOUR INSPIRATION?

Who inspires you to be grateful?

• Reflect on your own history. Consider those times when life was rough. Ask yourself, “How am I grateful for that experience?”
• Talk to someone much older or younger than yourself. Ask them to tell you what they feel most grateful for. See what you can learn from them and their experiences. How can they inspire you?
• Look for stories of those who have survived and thrived. For example, former Vice President Al Gore suffered a humiliating defeat in his run for the presidency. Yet he has risen beyond his failure and found a new purpose: educating the world on the risks of global warming. Every day, he asks for help to save our planet.

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Yes or No?

Gratitude shifts our perceptions. It frees us to see life differently. We already know that if you carry a deep appreciation for all that you have been given, then a positive response—yes, I will help you—will be perceived as another blessing. And if this same gratitude is at home in your heart, then a negative response—no, I cannot help you—will be perceived as a gift, too.

You might ask, how can this be? How can a no be viewed so positively? Each mayday call creates the possibility of new connection and new relationships. This means that every time someone transmits a mayday signal, a new conversation is instantaneously begun. Because you asked, regardless of the answer, you altered the relationship. Your question has changed the future.

If your helpmate agrees to lend a hand, you now have a new opportunity to learn, to grow, and to share life for a while. A no still affords you future opportunities for intimacy and connection. It may manifest as a chance for you to get a clearer and more accurate picture of your relationship. For example, you may have assumed that the bond between you and your helpmate was stable enough to handle a mayday cry. Because you asked, you shed a light on an interpersonal connection that may not be as strong or as healthy as you might have thought. Be grateful. This new information can be used to help both of you create a better, stronger relationship.

A negative response may also provide you with insight to the challenges faced by your helpmate. It just may be that he is overwhelmed himself. His rejection of your appeal may be an indication that he has a mayday call of his own to make. This again, is another chance for you to explore and deepen your bond.

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Recently, I called upon my neighbor, Sarah, to watch my dog for the afternoon. She had willingly done so in the past and I believed she even enjoyed having my little furball for company. But this time, things were different. As I explained my plight, I saw that she looked tired and a bit worn out. I guessed that I might have relied on her once too often or that her current problems were much greater than mine. I actually felt relieved when Sarah said no. Rather than demanding, “Why can’t you help me?” I inquired, “What’s going on?” We spent the next few minutes talking about her and her life. This new conversation deepened our friendship and tacitly reassured her that I valued our relationship too much to abuse her generosity. Sarah’s negative response to my mayday cry was a blessing to us both.

By the way, because I was acting with faith, I knew my need would eventually be met—and it was. Later that day, I met a young man who was looking for customers for his brand new dog walking service! I hired him on the spot!

A refusal can also show us which relationships have run their course. I decided to let go of just such a friendship a few years ago. Whenever Isabelle and I got together for dinner or drinks, we invariably ended up talking about what was happening in her life. I believe she honestly valued my friendship, but I also think she valued my coaching talents more. Eventually, there came a time when I needed support myself. I asked her to help me. My simple request sent this woman off on a rant that brought up many of the issues that we had been hiding from ourselves. I was thankful that I had asked, and that she had said no, because I was shown a reality that I had chosen to ignore. Our relationship was not healthy—for either of us. I might not ever have seen this had I decided to keep my needs to myself. This new perspective allowed me to let go and to make room for new and more satisfying friendships.

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Gratitude and the Fears

Most people will tell you that they don’t ask for help because they don’t want to experience rejection. This may be true, but at least as many fear being seen as weak or exposed. Possessing gratitude means that one has seen and acknowledged what is and has chosen to disregard what may be missing. Fear, the voice of the ego, whispers repeatedly that asking for help telegraphs powerlessness, a position of want and lack. It’s as though we see a neon sign flashing above our heads that advertises, “I’m weak! Take advantage of me!”

A deliberate focus on the gifts you have been given keeps you strong and resolved. Asking for help will no longer be a mark of vulnerability, but a declaration of your worth as an individual. Your words and behaviors will reflect the joy you feel inside. All of this enables you to ask confidently for what you need. Your mayday signal will reflect that self-assurance.

Instead of being concerned that your request will be interpreted as a sign of weakness, you will feel nothing of the kind. Instead of being ashamed that you lack something in your life, you will recognize and accept that you cannot do or have it all. Instead of worrying whether you will be rejected, you will know with certainty that, even if this person says no, assistance will arrive somehow, someway.

Gratitude not only liberates you from your fear, but it frees your helpmate too. As long as you feel blessed, he or she will naturally be more comfortable responding to your request for aid. Instead of reacting to a perceived weakness with pity, she will more likely respond to your strength with compassion—a willingness to share and alleviate your pain.

Kristi’s Story

Everyone thought she was crazy. Here she was a grown woman, a recently retired audiologist, moving in with her elderly parents. But Kristi didn’t care what everyone else thought. She knew this was the right move for her.

As she approached her retirement date, Kristi was unsure about her future. She had saved enough money to live on, but Kristi knew that she would have to find a part-time job to supplement her savings. Her plan was to travel the world for a year and then settle down in a small town somewhere. So, she sold her house and put the profits in her retirement fund. Buying a new home didn’t make sense to her if she was going to be traveling the world, and renting an apartment that would remain empty much of the year seemed like another waste of her hard-earned dollars. So, Kristi approached her parents and asked them if they would mind if she moved in with them.

Cautious in her request, Kristi knew that her parents valued their privacy and enjoyed their empty-nest life. She made certain her parents understood that she would pay rent and contribute to all the bills, and that she would give them as much time to themselves as they needed. As Kristi broached the idea with her parents, she silently reminded herself how lucky she was to have this chance. Not everyone is able to quit work young and spend a year on a personal sabbatical. She knew that no matter their response, everything would be fine.

Her parents agreed and she moved into the guestroom. As time went on, Kristi started to receive calls from her two brothers. Evan and Connor both thought Kristi was a little crazy to have moved back home. “How can she deal with their eccentricities? How can she stand it?” they wondered. Kristi quickly tired of their comments. She told them, “I am so lucky to be here, even if it isn’t perfect. Plus, I know we aren’t going to have mom and dad around forever, so I am going to cherish every moment I can.” That shut them up.

Kristi lived her life from the applied virtue of gratitude. She sincerely appreciated her parents’ sacrifice. She valued her unusual situation for what it offered her: flexibility, a chance to take the trip of a lifetime, and time to spend with those she loved. Gratitude shifted her focus away from the “eccentricities” of a long-married couple. Instead, she saw a different, more true, reality. She was blessed to have this opportunity. Nothing else mattered, certainly not her parents’ peculiarities.

The applied virtue of gratitude reveals what we cannot see as long as we believe the lies told by our fears. We remain blind to all the good that is right in front of us. When we regain our sight, we finally perceive how wonderful life already is.