6
Building Your Self-Esteem and Confidence
When faced with a new challenge or opportunity, do you lack confidence and think to yourself ‘I can't do that’ or ‘I’ll fail' or ‘I won't be any good at this’ or ‘I’m stupid and hopeless'? Or do you think ‘I’m going to give this a good try' or ‘I could do well at this’ or ‘I’ll try my best'.
Your confidence and self-esteem have quite an impact on your ability to get what you want and achieve your goals. Confidence, though, is not about what you can or can't do, it's what you think and believe you can or can't do.
If you've ever failed or struggled to cope with a particular situation in the past, you may believe it will be difficult or that you'll fail if you try to do it again. And if you've got something coming up that's new to you and that you're unsure about, you may talk yourself out of it with negative self-talk, believing that you ‘can’t' or ‘won’t' be able to do something.
Negative thinking and cognitive distortions such as jumping to conclusions, catastrophizing and tunnel thinking can undermine your confidence and can make you believe that you can't do certain things.
But many of us have grown up allowing ourselves to mostly say and believe negative things about ourselves. Thinking otherwise would be seen as ‘big headed’ or ‘showing off’. Too often, you can think that you're not good enough and even when you do something well, you can tend to think more about mistakes you made than what you achieved.
As well as undermining your confidence, negative self-talk can also knock your self-esteem, making you feel bad about yourself and your abilities. If you have low self-esteem, your thoughts and beliefs about yourself will often be negative.
There are a number of reasons why you might think negatively about yourself and your abilities. It could be a change in your life which results in how you see and value yourself; the end of a relationship, illness and disability or being unemployed, for example, can all lower your self-esteem. Feeling ‘different’ – finding it hard to relate to others, comparing yourself to others or being criticized, humiliated, bullied, discriminated against or left out by others – can also leave you feeling like you have little worth. If you are under a lot of stress and finding it hard to cope, or you have overly high standards and high expectations for yourself, this too can lead to negative thinking about yourself.
Whatever the reason, the result is often the same; a stream of negative thoughts that convince you that you can't do something and that you're no good.
The problem with thinking you're no good, though, is that you behave as if it's true; low self-esteem can influence what you do or don't do in ways that confirm that you aren't able to do things or aren't very good. Feel bad about yourself because you believe you're not academic, for example, and you're unlikely to attempt anything that looks like formal study. And because you don't attempt any academic, formal study, you never find out if, in fact, with the right teaching and support, you are actually capable.
On the other hand, when your self-esteem is high, your thoughts and beliefs about yourself are positive; you feel good about your abilities and you're more likely to believe that you can do things and they will either turn out reasonably well or, if they don't, that you'll be able to cope. This time it's a helpful, positive dynamic where each positive aspect feeds into the other.
Start from a position of strength
So, how to reverse an unhelpful dynamic? The best place to start building your confidence and self-esteem is from a position of strength. Instead of focusing on what you believe you can't do, focus on what you know you can do and what you know makes you feel good about yourself. There are a number of ways you can do this.
Focus on the things that make you feel good about yourself
Think about the aspects of your life that matter to you, that you enjoy doing and do reasonably well. Those areas could be related to, for example, your work, family, friends, hobbies and interests and sports. They will be activities where you know what you're doing and like doing it.
Doing something that you enjoy, and that you are good at, can help build your confidence and increase your self-esteem. Why? Because you not only believe these are things you like and do OK at, you know it too. When you reflect on the activity; when you think back over what you're doing and have been doing, you have positive thoughts about the activity and about yourself; you feel good about yourself.
Dean, for example, is 34. One aspect of his life that's important to him is sport. In particular, football is important. It's something he enjoys and does quite well in. He feels confident and good about himself when he plays football. His friends are important too. Keeping in touch with his friends, doing things together and supporting each other is something he enjoys and is good at.
Chaya is a lawyer. She's good at her job and enjoys it. What really makes her feel good, though, is the voluntary work she does once a week with homeless young people. Chaya feels that she's really able to help the young people by listening and providing advice and information.
Whenever you enjoy and do well in an area of your life that matters to you, you can feel good about yourself. You don't have to excel at an activity, you just need to like it and be good enough at it.
What do you like doing? What do you enjoy? Maybe it's your job or an aspect of your job. Perhaps it's voluntary work that you do. Maybe it's an interest like cooking or baking, fishing, gardening or dancing.
Are there activities in your life that bring you a sense of satisfaction? Make yourself aware of what those activities are so that you can develop your confidence and self-esteem from a position of strength. Find what you enjoy doing and do more of it.
Perhaps you have a natural ability to do something well. Maybe there's something that you have always wanted to learn. Find an interest or activity that will not challenge you too much to begin with so that you can feel you have achieved something and have a chance to build your confidence.
In Chapter 3 you'll have read about working towards and achieving goals. Doing this – working towards and achieving things – can also help you develop your self-esteem and confidence. Each step that you successfully achieve provides the evidence that enables you to believe that you are doing well and you can succeed.
Be sure to reflect on what you've done afterwards. Doing so results in a triple blessing; each time you think about doing something enjoyable, then actually do it and then reflect on it, your brain has strengthened those positive neural pathways three times.
Identify your qualities
Another way to feel good about yourself and what you are able to do is to identify your personal qualities, distinctive characteristics and attributes. Read through this list and as you do, tick each and every quality that applies to you.
| Adaptable | Good natured | Perceptive |
| Adventurous | Hardworking | Practical |
| Calm | Helpful | Precise |
| Caring | Honest | Realistic |
| Conscientious | Imaginative | Reassuring |
| Cooperative | Independent | Reliable |
| Courteous | Innovative | Resilient |
| Creative | Intuitive | Resourceful |
| Curious | Likeable | Responsible |
| Decisive | Logical | Sense of Humour |
| Dependable | Loyal | Sincere |
| Determined | Methodical | Sociable |
| Diplomatic | Meticulous | Sympathetic |
| Empathic | Observant | Tactful |
| Encouraging | Optimistic | Thorough |
| Energetic | Organized | Tidy |
| Fair | Outgoing | Tolerant |
| Firm | Patient | Trustworthy |
| Flexible | Persistent | Truthful |
| Friendly | Objective | Understanding |
| Gentle | Open-minded |
Now choose your top five qualities; the five that you think best describe you.
Next, for each quality, write a sentence or two that describes how and why you are like this.
For example, if you felt that patience was one of your qualities, you might say, ‘I can calmly wait for things to happen in their own time. I am patient with colleagues who take a while longer to get things done.’
If another of your qualities was persistence, you might say, ‘I can keep going with a task, especially in the face of difficulties. I overcome setbacks and carry on. I did this recently when insisting on the specific health care I felt I needed.’
And if being reliable was one of your qualities, you might have written, ‘I can be trusted and depended on to do what I say I will. Friends have told me how much they value this about me.’
Ask yourself questions to help you to write about your good qualities:
- How have I helped someone by having this quality?
- What challenges have I overcome by having this quality?
- How has this quality helped me in my work or day-to-day life?
When you have low feelings of self-worth, your negative thoughts distort your perception of yourself and you overlook the positives. Identifying your good qualities and explaining how, why and when you have each quality can help you to see your own worth and so contribute to good self-esteem.
Acknowledge your positive qualities and the things you are good at. Get into the habit of identifying and thinking positive things about yourself and create your own personal affirmations.
Personal affirmations
You may have come across the idea of positive affirmations before. An affirmation is simply a positive statement that is true. The sort of affirmations you may have read or heard about are usually statements such as:
- I live in the present and am confident of the future
- I feel safe in the rhythm and flow of life
- My outer self is matched by my inner well-being
- Nothing is impossible and life is great.
All well and good, but for an affirmation to be most effective for you, it's got to be specifically about you; it has to be personal and believable to you. With the exercise above – where you identify a personal quality and describe how and why you are like this – you create your own personal affirmations. These personal affirmations are more likely to be effective for you because they are personal. So, create your own personal affirmations – write them down and keep them where you can read them as and when you need to.
Positive people
‘Surround yourself with people who make you happy. People who make you laugh, who help you when you're in need. People who genuinely care. They are the ones worth keeping in your life. Everyone else is just passing through.’
Karl Marx
Self-esteem and confidence come from two sources. They come from what you believe about yourself and how you value yourself. They also come from what other people appear to believe about you and how they value you.
Throughout your life you come across all kinds of people; different in many ways. But when it comes to how they impact on your self-esteem and confidence, other people can fall into one of two camps; they're either ‘radiators’ or ‘drains’.
People who are radiators spread warmth and positivity, while drains can leave you feeling irritated and upset, disappointed or angry, guilty or resentful. They drain your energy. Their misery, criticism and complaining overwhelm you with their negativity.
Who you spend most of your time with can make a big difference to the way you think, feel and behave. You need radiators in your life! Positive people are likely to respond to you in positive ways and so make you think positively about yourself and the world around you.
If you have low self-esteem, there might be people close to you who, deliberately or not, encourage the negative beliefs and opinions that you hold about yourself. It's important to identify these people and take action to stop them from doing this.
It is not always possible or practical to switch off from negative people or remove them from your life completely. What you can do, however, is reduce the amount of time you spend around them and increase the amount of time you spend with ‘radiators’, the positive people in your life.
You may have a different person or a number of people for each situation, or the same one or two people might fit a number of situations. Think widely; the positive people on your list do not just have to be friends or family; they could be colleagues or neighbours.
The person you can talk to if you're worried, for example, could be a professional person that you see such as your GP, a counsellor or someone from an organization with a helpline. Maybe the person who introduces you to new ideas and interests is a documentary maker like David Attenborough. Perhaps there's someone on the radio or TV who makes you laugh. The person who inspires you could be someone you have read about who has overcome adversity or who has achieved something despite all the odds.
In fact, role models are another source of positivity. Role models are people who possess positive characteristics and qualities that inspire us. We all look for different things in a role model but often they are people who practise what they preach and who are willing to act on their beliefs and values. Role models behave ethically and honestly. They show respect for others. Role models are often a source of inspiration because they have overcome adversity in their lives in some way; usually by being persistent or by finding creative solutions to problems and difficulties. We admire people like this!
Positive news
As well as minimizing contact with negative people, minimize the amount of negative news in your life. While staying up to date on important stories can keep you informed, shape your opinions and enable you to take part in discussions, in an age of information overload, your life can be filled with irrelevant or unnecessary information in an instant.
You're rarely better informed, your life isn't any better and you rarely feel better about yourself, other people or the world around you for having read low-level negative information.
In fact, low-quality information is to the mind what sugar is to the body: empty calories that give you a rush but then bring you down and leave you feeling like crap. You wouldn't want to stuff your body with low-quality food. Why cram your mind with low-quality thoughts?
Circles of Concern vs. Circles of Control
In his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey explains the concept of the ‘Circle of Concern’ and the ‘Circle of Influence’. The Circle of Concern is the area that we have no control over but that we can waste time and energy getting caught up in; getting wound up and worried about.
A wide range of events – the economy, for example, war and terrorism, the behaviour of celebrities and political scandal – fall into the Circle of Concern. You have little or no control over these events but can easily consume more and more information about them. This drains your time and energy and can leave you feeling stressed, helpless and negative simply because you have little or no control over these events.
The Circle of Influence, on the other hand, is the area that you do have control over. It involves the issues and events that you can influence in your daily life.
If you turn your attention to the Circle of Influence, you turn to an area where you have more control and influence. Your goals, your attitude, the skills you develop, what you learn, what you read, listen to and watch, what you eat, the amount of exercise you take and so on. You can do something about the issues and events in the Circle of Influence. When you give most of your time and energy to your Circle of Influence, you are likely to feel more positive about yourself because you can initiate and influence change.
Most of us have a number of sources of information that we could eliminate from our lives with no detriment to our lives whatsoever. Instead of consuming whatever is readily available, and drains you, step into the Circle of Influence and make more conscious choices about what you read, watch and listen to. Look for stories about people that inspire you. Don't read about people who are portrayed as victims; where the focus is on the unfairness of their situation and nothing seems to get resolved.
Instead, read and listen to stories about people who have coped with adversity. What was it that helped them cope and bounce back? Was it their ability to find the positive in adversity? You need positive role models in your life, so watch and read motivational stories or speeches. TED talks (www.ted.com), for example, are inspiring, educational and motivating.
Online, you can find websites dedicated to sharing inspiring and positive news from around the world:
- www.dailygood.org/
- www.huffingtonpost.com/good-news/
- www.goodnewsnetwork.org/
- http://positivenews.org.uk/
- www.sunnyskyz.com/
So steer clear of negative headlines and dire tales of things going wrong. Look, instead, for uplifting stories that celebrate the best of life and be inspired by the good in the world around us.
In a nutshell
- Confidence is not what you can or can't do. It's what you believe you can or can't do.
- Negative thinking and cognitive distortions undermine your confidence and self-esteem, making you feel bad about yourself and your abilities.
- When your self-esteem is high, your thoughts about yourself are positive; you feel good about your abilities, you're more likely to believe that you can do things and that you can manage difficulties. It's a positive dynamic where each aspect feeds into the other.
- Doing something that you enjoy, and that you are good at, can help build your confidence and increase your self-esteem. So find what you enjoy doing and do more of it.
- Get into the habit of identifying and thinking positive things about yourself and create your own personal affirmations.
- Minimize the amount of negative people and negative news in your life. Look for positive stories and news about people that inspire you.
- Focus on your ‘Circle of Influence’. When you give most of your time and energy to your Circle of Influence, you are likely to feel more positive, because you can initiate and influence change.