8
Managing a Fear of Failure, Perfectionism and Comparing Yourself with Others
Have you ever been afraid of failing at something and so decided not to try it at all? Not sure? Maybe then, at one time or another, you've subconsciously sabotaged an opportunity or an event in order to avoid failing at it.
Whether or not you're aware that you have a fear of failure, if you do, it's probably because you think you won't be able to cope with the disappointment, embarrassment and shame that can come with failing at something.
You might find some last-minute commitment or a minor physical problem – a headache or stomach ache – which you use as an excuse not to attempt something. Or if you do attempt it, in order to lessen your disappointment and avoid embarrassment if you fail, you might tell yourself – and other people – that you're unlikely to do well; that you don't expect to succeed. Although this can then increase the likelihood that you will fail (your negative thinking creates a self-fulfilling prophecy), your need to avoid failing at something is greater than your desire to succeed at it.
Having a fear of failure (atychiphobia) can, though, mean that you miss out in life. You might, for example, decline the opportunity to give a presentation at work in case you do badly and people think you're not up to the job. Or you might cancel going out on a date in case it's a disaster. But ducking out of the presentation because you fear that you'll fail could mean that you don't get offered any other interesting, career-enhancing opportunities in future. And pulling out of a date might mean you miss out on a good evening and a long-term relationship.
If you are often reluctant to attempt challenges and try new things, or you only ever get involved with activities and experiences that you know you'll succeed at, you may have a fear of failure. This can change! You can change the way you think and redefine the meaning of failure.
How to overcome a fear of failure
‘Forget about the consequences of failure. Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success.’
Denis Waitley
There are several things you can do to manage the unhelpful impact that a fear of failure can have.
Be aware of your thoughts, feelings and responses
The main problem with a fear of failure is that it tends to operate on an unconscious level. Think back to when you've had an opportunity to achieve something – to learn something, for example, or visit somewhere new, to apply for a job, join a sports team, audition for a part or run a marathon. Did the thought of failing cross your mind? How did you feel about the prospect of not succeeding? What did you think? Did you think, for example, ‘I’ll never be good enough, so no point in going for it' or ‘I’m not clever or talented enough'?
What did you do or not do as a result of your negative thinking? If you have a fear of failure, it's likely that you didn't follow through or that you sabotaged your chances in some way.
Fear of failure can cause you to consciously or unconsciously sabotage your chances of success, in a variety of ways. Perhaps you put off your involvement for so long – by failing to pay the deposit, sign up or submit the application – that it became too late to get involved.
Whatever you did or thought, if you now ask yourself: ‘How did it help me to think like that?’ the answer is obviously ‘It helped me to avoid failure!’ Fine. But right now, we're looking at how you can overcome that fear. So the appropriate question here is ‘in what way was it unhelpful for me to think like that?’ And the answer is likely to be that, one way or another, you missed out.
Change the way you think
You can choose to see the failure as a defeat; a waste of time and effort; proof of your inadequacy; the fault of outside circumstances; a disappointment and an embarrassment. Or you can take a more positive approach and see failure as the learning experience that it most often is.
Rather than fear failure, recognize that if you do attempt something and fail, you can learn from it and put those lessons into practice the next time. So if, after a job interview, you fail to secure the job, you use the feedback to inform your next interview and increase the odds that you'll be successful next time. And if you attempt to make a birthday cake and it doesn't turn out as you'd hoped, then again, you can reflect on what you've learnt and use it to make a better cake next time.
Often, valuable insights come only after a failure. Just like the lessons learnt from disappointment, guilt and regret, the lessons learnt from failure are how you keep from making that same mistake again. Failure only stops you if you let it.
In everything you do, there's always a chance that you'll fail. Facing that chance, feeling the fear and doing it anyway, is not only courageous – but it opens you up to a range of opportunities.
In order to reduce the fear of failing, you can reduce the possibility of failing. If you're going to attempt something you failed at before, think about what you learnt from that. A driving test is an obvious example here. Whether it was a mock test or your actual test, if you failed a part of it, then naturally, you'd work on that part before attempting the test again. The same approach applies to everything else – think about what you learnt and what you'd do differently next time.
Reduce the possibility of failing
Set yourself up for success. As described in Chapter 3, whatever it is you would like to do and succeed with, identify your options, choose one of them as a way forward and then break that option down into small steps.
Create targets and goals that are relatively easy to achieve and think of achieving each small step as a series of small successes. Thinking and acting in this way really can prevent you from becoming overwhelmed by the fear of failing because you are only focusing on one relatively easy step at a time. You can visualize yourself doing well and achieving each step.
Have a contingency plan
If you're afraid of failing at something, having a ‘Plan B’ in place can help you feel more confident about moving forward. Think positively and recognize that switching to Plan B doesn't mean that you're giving up, it means that you're increasing your chances of success by recognizing there's more than just one way to achieve it.
Letting go of unhelpful perfectionism
Perfection is excellence. But is being a perfectionist the same as being a positive thinker? Well, if the self-talk of your inner perfectionist were cheering you on from the sidelines, that would be a good thing. But when the voice of your inner perfectionist is saying ‘This isn't good enough, it's not right. It's not how it should be. It should be better than this’, then it's not helpful and it's definitely not positive.
Maybe you want to challenge yourself to do well in something; to be the best and have the best. That's not a bad thing. But there's a difference between being an adaptable perfectionist and being an unadaptable perfectionist.
Adaptable perfectionism is all about developing and improving. It's a flexible approach; you adjust to accommodate changing conditions. Crucially, you recognize your limits and other people's and you don't stress yourself trying to perfect every little detail of something – your work, your appearance, an event etc.
Unadaptable perfectionists, on the other hand, are rarely satisfied with what they achieve. If something isn't perfect, they dismiss it. Unadaptable perfectionists rigidly conform to very high standards and expectations. They are unable to adjust to different conditions.
This sort of unhelpful perfectionism involves polarized ‘all or nothing’ thinking; there's no middle ground or grey areas. Things are either good or bad, a success or a total failure, clever or stupid. There's no room for adjustments, mistakes or imperfections.
If you are an unadaptable perfectionist you only see the negative aspects and focus on the relatively insignificant details of yourself, other people, experiences and events that are imperfect. And it bothers you that they're not perfect!
Often, just like people who fear failure, your self-worth is tied in to how well you achieve. But as you rarely live up to the high standards you set for yourself (and you might believe that others judge you on your ability to be perfect too), you fall into a downward spiral of self-criticism, guilt, blame and resentment.
By contrast, adaptable perfectionists acknowledge imperfections but don't get hung up on them. They have a broader perspective; they focus more on what is positive and good about themselves, other people, situations, etc. They see mistakes and difficulties as an opportunity to learn and imperfections as an opportunity to improve.
How to be an adaptable perfectionist
The key to healthy, adaptable perfectionism is in your expectations. So start by asking yourself, in what way is it helpful for me to think like this? In what way is it helpful to spend so much time and energy on making sure every aspect of something is perfect? If your demands and high expectations often leave you disappointed, upset or stressed, then clearly they're not helpful.
Nine times out of ten, perfectionists get hung up on the small details, needing every part of theirs or someone else's work, a social occasion, relationship, attitude or appearance etc. to be perfect.
But actually, it would be more be helpful to get some perspective and decide if, in the greater scheme of things, a particular aspect that's not perfect really does need so much time and attention. Perhaps all that time and attention could be better spent elsewhere.
So yes, the meal you made for friends last week was (almost) perfect but you were so stressed that you had a row with your partner and you were stressed and exhausted by the time everyone arrived.
Imagine how much better an occasion like that will be next time if, instead of fussing about getting the minor details absolutely perfect, you spend your time having a relaxing bath and an hour to yourself before your friends arrive.
‘People throw away what they could have by insisting on perfection, which they cannot have, and looking for it where they will never find it.’
Edith Schaeffer
Go for good enough
Find a balance where you do your best but at the same time don't get caught up in trying to tweak, improve and perfect – or insist that someone else improves and perfects – each and every detail.
Will anyone really object if, for example, one course of that celebratory meal was bought at the supermarket instead of made by you? Will they be very disappointed if you don't have exactly the right candles, flowers, side plates or whatever it is that you're getting hung up about?
Think differently about what it means when things don't meet your high standards and expectations; when other people – colleagues and family members, for example – fail to do things as well as you.
Instead of focusing on what isn't perfect, focus on what aspects of the meal, party, job, relationship or someone else's efforts are good and good enough. Tell yourself to turn a blind eye to the imperfections. Force yourself to look for the positive aspects and focus on them.
Finally, bear in mind that whether you're making a celebratory meal, organizing your child's birthday party, decorating a room or preparing a presentation, whatever it is, when you are tense, stressed and stuck on insignificant details, you narrow your thinking and lose perspective.
You're more likely to do and achieve better when you can relax and enjoy what you're aiming for. Why set impossible standards that just create frustration and stress? When you are enjoying what you're doing, your perspective broadens, and you're more likely to focus on the positive aspects of the situation. It's a positive dynamic where one aspect positively influences another.
Comparing yourself with other people
‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’
Theodore Roosevelt
We've all done it; we've all compared ourselves to others and gauged our own abilities, relationships, resources etc. on what we believe other people have and what they can do.
How often, though, do we compare ourselves with someone less fortunate than us and consider ourselves blessed? More often, we compare ourselves with someone who we believe to be better, or have better or more skills, abilities or personal qualities, and better or more resources and possessions. We compare ourselves with others in negative ways, comparing what we think is the worst of ourselves to the best we presume about others.
Comparing ourselves with someone else is an inaccurate and irrelevant measuring stick. It's a faulty comparison.
Take, for example, a quiet, calm and introverted person who likes to spend periods of time on their own (and feels there's something ‘wrong’ with them for this). What do they get by comparing themselves to a gregarious, outgoing person (who actually gets bored by an hour alone with themselves)?
What kind of illogical conclusions can result with this comparison? That the extrovert is better than the introvert? Of course not. Each individual has their own qualities and strengths but in different ways.
Comparing ourselves with others is one of the most insidious forms of negative thinking because there's no end to the possible number of comparisons you can make; there will always be something – or someone – else to compare yourself with. There's always someone you meet, see, listen to or read about that you can perceive as having more or doing better than you.
You may think that you're making a fair comparison between yourself and someone else but, in fact, confirmation bias prompts you to look for evidence to support and confirm what you've already decided is true; the negative ways in which you don't match up.
Because you already think that the other person is better than you in some way, and/or because you're feeling bad about what you do or don't have, you look for and accept evidence of what you don't have, can't do, will never be etc.
These sorts of negative comparisons add no value, meaning or fulfilment to your life. They only create resentment and a sense of unfairness and deprivation. You have nothing to gain, but much to lose.
Last year, Gina came to me for some career coaching sessions. She told me that reading her friends', family's and colleagues' social media posts recently, it seemed that everyone was doing better than her. Gina's younger sister had just announced that she'd been promoted to a management role. A colleague had posted pictures of a business trip to Europe. One friend had posted pictures of the house he'd just bought. Another had been accepted onto a Masters degree course. Two others had announced their engagements.
‘I feel like such a loser, ‘everyone else is doing great things with their lives. I know I should be happy for them but it just gets me down when I realize how far behind I am compared to them.’
When I asked her what she meant about being so ‘far behind’ her friends, here's what she said: ‘I’m 29 years old and I still haven't got into a management role. I haven't travelled anywhere on business. I don't earn enough to buy a house or even a decent car. I'm single and it seems like all my friends are either getting engaged or married. And to top it all, it's my school reunion this summer. Everyone's going to be talking about their great jobs, relationships, their travels and so on. I can't bear the thought of it.'
It's natural to want to know where you fit into the scheme of things. But measuring your worth, your abilities, opportunities, your career progress and so on with other people can only lead to feeling inferior.
You are too unique to compare fairly. Your skills, abilities, contributions and value are entirely unique to you and your purpose in this world. They can never be fairly compared to anyone else.
How, then, can you break free from comparing yourself in negative ways to other people? As I explained to Gina, comparing yourself to someone else puts focus on the wrong person. Your time and effort could be better spent thinking positively about yourself.
Once again, it helps to break free of the comparison habit if you ask yourself: ‘In what way is it helpful for me to think like this?’ Ask yourself too: ‘in what way is it unhelpful for me to think like this?’ If comparisons leave you feeling discouraged, demotivated and depressed, then clearly it's not helpful to think like this. Recognize that your thoughts are unhelpful. Let them go.
Move on to focusing on what you have done and are doing rather than what everyone else has done and is doing. Reflect on what you've experienced, achieved and/or overcome. See how far you have come.
Compare yourself with yourself. Go back to the exercise (in Chapter 6) where you were asked to identify your personal qualities. There will be qualities that you have ticked and unique reasons why you have those qualities. That's because you are unique. You're not a replica of someone else.
Even if you had a genetic twin, you would have grown up with different influences, experiences and choices. So how could your opportunities and achievements be the same? They couldn't. So try to see everyone, including yourself, as unique individuals with their own pasts and their own future potential.
Make a conscious effort to free yourself from comparisons and instead focus on your own qualities and pursue your own goals in your own way.
Compare less. Appreciate more
Turning your focus onto what you do have rather than what, compared to others, you don't have, is a far more positive direction to take. As suggested in Chapter 5, at the end of each day, think about what you have to appreciate and be grateful for. Getting into a habit of looking for what's going well in your life and the world around you helps to take the focus off others and what they have.
Remember, when you think about the positive events and people in your life, you groove those neural pathways that help to establish positive thinking as a habit.
Find inspiration without comparison
Comparing yourself with others is foolish. But finding inspiration and learning from others is wise. There's a difference.
Comparisons involve looking for what others have got and what you have not got. This can just leave you feeling discouraged and demotivated. Inspiration, on the other hand, involves being motivated by others' qualities and experiences. You feel encouraged to achieve, but according to your own abilities, skills and resources.
So, rather than compare yourself with others, think positively; see them as role models to learn from and inspire you rather than people who are ‘better’ or have more than you. And if you can't find a good role model, aim to be one!
In a nutshell
- Fear of failure arises from thinking you won't be able to cope with the disappointment, embarrassment and shame that can come with failing at something.
- Rather than fear failure, recognize that if you do attempt something and fail, you can learn from it and put those lessons into practice the next time. Failure only stops you if you let it.
- Perfectionists get hung up on the small details, needing every part of theirs or someone else's work, social occasion, relationship, attitude or appearance etc. to be perfect. Why set impossible standards that just create frustration and stress?
- Instead of focusing on what, in a situation, isn't perfect, focus on what aspects are good. Force yourself to look for the positive aspects and focus on them.
- Comparing yourself to someone else puts focus on the wrong person. Make a conscious effort to free yourself from negative comparisons and instead focus on your own qualities and pursue your own goals in your own way.
- Find inspiration without comparison. See other people as role models to learn from and inspire you rather than people who are ‘better’ or have more than you.