2
Moving on from Negative Thinking
Recognize negative self-talk
Happiness doesn't depend on how few negative thoughts you have, but on what you do with the ones you have.
Lisa Esile
Because the way you think is habitual, you usually don't even recognize the nature of your thoughts and reactions to events. In fact, your negative thoughts are so powerful because you rarely have conscious awareness or control over them. You simply accept your thoughts and respond accordingly.
The first step, then, in managing negative thinking is simply to become more aware of it; to identify the way you think and to recognize your ‘explanatory style’. Once you are more aware of your negative self-talk you can start to do something about it.
Chapter 1 will have given you an insight into the ways that you think. You can increase your awareness further by writing down some of your thoughts; thoughts about past, current or future events. Here are some ideas for how you could do that:
Past events
- Recall a couple of relatively unimportant events that were minor annoyances. For example, a travel delay, an event that got cancelled, something you lost. What thoughts went through your mind or could have been going through your mind? For example, if you missed the bus or train your thought may have been: ‘Why does this always happen to me?’ Write down what your thoughts and feelings were.
- Next think of bigger events – a job, a project at work, a holiday, a relationship or friendship where things didn't turn out well. What thoughts went through your mind or could have been going through your mind? How did you feel? Write it down.
Future events
- Think of an upcoming event that you're feeling unsure about; something you've got to do, somewhere you've got to go, someone you have to talk to, people you've got to meet. Whatever it is, what are your thoughts about it?
- Think of something good coming up; meeting up with friends, a holiday or a family celebration, for example. What thoughts and feelings do you have about it? Are they mostly positive or negative? Again, write them down.
- Think of something you would like to do in future – travel somewhere, follow an interest or hobby, change your career direction, leave a job or relationship – but haven't done yet. Write down your thoughts and feelings about it.
Present events
- Over the course of the next few days, write down your thoughts and feelings about situations and events. Either write down your thoughts on paper (keep a pen and paper handy) text or email them to yourself, or make use of an app such as the Thought Diary Pro (an app designed to help people record unhelpful thoughts and beliefs). You won't be aware of every single thought, but when you do notice a negative thought, write it down. Don't pass any judgement on yourself for having this thought. Just be aware of it and write it down.
- Ask someone who you like and trust – a friend, partner, family member – to point out, over the next week or so, when they think you've made a negative comment. Write each one down.
- Use your feelings to alert you to how you are thinking: whenever you are feeling worried, stressed, annoyed or upset, stop and become aware of your thoughts. Write down your thoughts.
As well as being more aware of individual negative thoughts, you may notice a pattern or theme emerging. You may realize that you're inclined to jump to conclusions or that you get caught up in tunnel thinking or catastrophizing. You may notice, too, what sort of events and experiences trigger your negative thoughts. Once you're more aware of your negative thoughts, you're in a better position to disempower them and to use them as a cue for positive action.
There are two approaches. The first approach involves challenging and replacing negative thinking. The second approach involves simply accepting negative thoughts and moving on to positive thoughts and actions.
Challenging and replacing negative thinking
Challenging negative thoughts can help you to see whether your view is reasonable and helpful. What you don't want to do, though, is to start arguing with yourself. Simply telling yourself you're ‘wrong’ to think the way you do won't work. You won't win! Your negative thoughts will probably win because they are so strongly established.
Instead, start by asking yourself ‘Are these thoughts helping me?’ Think about how your thinking is helping your situation.
For example, if, a few weeks before a driving test you think ‘I’m going to fail my driving test. I'll be hopeless', the answer to the question ‘Is this thought helping me?’ could actually be ‘Yes, it is helping me. It's making me realize I need to practise more.’ But if an hour before the test, you think ‘I’m going to fail my driving test. I'll be hopeless', then the thought is probably not helping you. Instead, it's overwhelming you and undermining your ability to think straight! It would be more helpful just to replace your negative thoughts with positive ones, such as, ‘I’ve been taught well. I'll do the best I can.'
Let's take another example: imagine that yesterday you stayed at work an hour late to complete a report for your manager. This morning she tells you she doesn't need it for the meeting any more.
You think: ‘She must know how much time I spent writing this up! I’ve done all that for nothing. Again. What a complete waste of time. She's obviously decided to wind me up.'
Ask yourself, ‘In what way are these thoughts helpful?’
When you ask yourself ‘Is this thought helpful?’ you are not disputing the accuracy of your thoughts – maybe it was a waste of time, maybe she is trying to wind you up – but right now, regardless of their accuracy, these thoughts probably aren't helping you. They're preventing you from coming up with any solutions.
Are you certain?
The next step is to confront the certainty with which you feel your thoughts are absolutely right. Remember, if you are in the habit of negative thinking, it has become your default position – your mind automatically takes and accepts a negative perspective without considering any other options.
So now you are challenging your mind's automatic negative perspective and recognize that there are other possibilities.
Here are some questions you could ask yourself:
- Am I positive that what I'm thinking is true?
- What evidence do I have for how I'm thinking about this situation?
- Do I know that for certain?
- Am I 100% sure?
Alternative perspectives
By challenging your automatic negative thoughts, by loosening your grip on what you are certain of, you free yourself to start thinking and responding in more positive ways.
Questions you could ask yourself next are:
- What is the evidence against the way I'm thinking about this situation/event?
- What other explanations are there for what happened, is happening or could happen?
- Is there anything positive and good about the situation?
In the example of the report that your manager no longer needed, it could be that the positive aspect of the situation was that you got more practice working on this kind of report. And, although your manager doesn't need the information now, it could be useful in future.
Recognizing that the way you're thinking doesn't make you feel good, or help you to get what you want, can prompt you to look at things from a different perspective.
So if, for example, you're forced to change your holiday plans and you think ‘Why does this always happen to me? My plans are all ruined’, ask yourself: ‘In what way is this thought helpful? (‘It's not helpful. It's just winding me up and making me feel sorry for myself.’) ‘Am I certain my plans are actually ruined?’ (‘Well no, they’re not completely ruined. I'll think of an alternative place to go.') ‘Is there anything positive about the situation?’ (‘Yes. I still have a week off work and my friend is still able to go with me.’)
As well as loosening your grip on what you think you're certain of, challenging your negative thoughts not only interrupts your thoughts but it also stops them from snowballing.
Replacing negative thinking with positive thinking
When you're in the habit of thinking and interpreting events in a negative way, it's not easy to say positive things to yourself. It's also not easy to say positive things to yourself when you're worried, stressed or upset. It's not easy but it is possible.
A few years ago, shortly after leaving university, Sam was offered a position in business administration at a large company in Manchester.
I used to get into a right state about attending meetings at my new job. I thought that everyone else was more knowledgeable and more articulate than me. I dreaded being put on the spot and being asked a question that I might not know the answer to.
What changed things was some advice from a lovely, understanding colleague – Erik – who I confided in. He wasn't a counsellor but I now realize the questions he asked me sort of ‘coached’ me through my negative thinking patterns and helped me to think differently. He asked me, prior to a meeting, what exactly my thoughts were about it. We talked about where I was catastrophizing or mind reading and how helpful or unhelpful it was for me to think in these ways.
It became quite amusing coming up together with alternative, more positive ways of thinking about the meetings. Basically, Erik helped me to focus on the positive – to recognize that I was much more of a listener than a talker – that my strength was my ability to easily make sense of what some people waffled on about and clarify that for myself and others in the meetings.
Erik gave me a top tip too – he suggested that if he wasn't around, whenever I lapsed into negative thinking, I should get up and change my surroundings. He said ‘Sam, just go for a walk – even if only to the other side of the room. Let the change in your surroundings prompt change in your thinking.’
That was ten years ago, I'm fine about meetings now but I still use Erik's ‘go for a walk’ tip. It still works!
Turn back to the questionnaire in Chapter 1. Look at how each situation contained a negative response and an alternative, positive response.
Now read over any negative thoughts you wrote down in response to past, present and future situations at the beginning of this chapter. What other, more positive thoughts might have been possible instead? Look at each one and come up with some ideas for more positive thoughts to replace the negative thoughts.
If you find this hard, it might be because you can't imagine yourself thinking in a different way. Try taking a step back and depersonalizing the process; think of yourself as a script writer – imagine you are simply writing alternative thoughts and lines for a character in a play. With the alternative, more positive thoughts, be sure to keep them plausible and realistic enough for you to believe them.
For example, if you think ‘I’m hopeless. I've made another mistake. Everyone must think I'm stupid', there's no need to change it to ‘I’m brilliant! I do everything really well. Everyone must think I'm amazing.' That's just another cognitive distortion; an overly positive one! Instead, replace it with something like ‘I try my best. Sometimes I make mistakes but I can learn from them. Nobody is expecting me to be perfect.’
Do make the new positive thought something that feels believable to you, otherwise your mind will not accept it as a real possibility.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
This way of challenging your negative thinking and replacing it with positive thoughts is based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) – an approach that can help you change the way you think and, therefore, the way you behave.
CBT suggests that whichever way you interpret a situation you will respond accordingly. If you change the way you think, you will create a change in how you feel, what you do and how you behave. So, for example, rather than think ‘My holiday plans are ruined’, you might think ‘My plans are not ruined, I can change my plans.’ Thinking in this way makes you feel more hopeful and better able to respond in a positive, helpful way.
With CBT you identify, challenge and replace unhelpful, negative thoughts. This enables you to change your behaviour in future.
Anything and everything, then, can be explained in a positive or negative way. The trick is to choose the most positive and plausible interpretation and to tell that to yourself. Doing this can then positively influence how you respond to situations.
Accepting negative thoughts and moving on to positive thoughts and actions
CBT techniques – challenging and replacing negative thoughts – have been found to be very effective in helping people to change the way they think and behave.
Recently, another approach has emerged – an approach that is based on mindfulness. It's known as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy suggests that you don't start by directly challenging negative thinking. You still need to be aware of negative thoughts and recognize when they are unhelpful, but you don't spend time and effort on challenging them.
Instead, an acceptance and commitment approach encourages you to acknowledge and accept your negative thoughts and just step back from them. You then commit yourself to more positive thoughts, actions and behaviour that correspond with what you want from a situation. The focus is on what you can positively do about your situation, rather than on trying to challenge, question and analyse your thoughts.
There are three steps: acceptance, diffusion and committing.
1. Acceptance
With an acceptance and commitment approach, it's recognized that trying to suppress or deny negative thoughts can take up a lot of unnecessary energy; energy that could be used in more helpful, positive ways.
So, you start by acknowledging and accepting your thoughts about a situation and you accept what is beyond your control.
For example, with the thoughts: ‘She must know how much time I spent writing this! I’ve done it all for nothing. Again. What a complete waste of time. She's obviously decided to wind me up', you simply acknowledge those thoughts and accept them. You accept that they're negative and that they're not helping you.
2. Diffusion
When you become caught up in negative thinking, you become what ACT calls being ‘fused’ with your thoughts. It's as though you and your thoughts have melded together and become one.
For example: think to yourself ‘I am an orange.’ When you did this you may have then thought ‘I'm an orange … er … right … OK then …’ It's a thought you had, but you didn't automatically believe it. (Did you?)
However, when you have thoughts like ‘I’m hopeless' you ‘fuse’ with those thoughts; you let them define who and what you are. But you don't have to let them define you or your reality. Especially as they're not helpful! Diffusion involves separating yourself from negative thoughts. Instead of getting caught up, struggling or getting fused with your thoughts, you notice them and let them go.
Imagine, for example, a sheriff in an old Western town who notices an outlaw strolling down the main street. The sheriff acknowledges the outlaw and then calmly and firmly encourages him to keep walking, right on out of town. That's you, acknowledging those negative thoughts and then calmly telling them to keep moving along out of your mind. Instead of challenging your negative thoughts, you simply acknowledge and release them. If and when they come back, look them in the eye like that sheriff and tell them what they need to do – keep moving along.
With diffusion, you experience your thoughts as nothing more than an ever-changing stream of words, sounds and pictures. You don't analyse them or dwell on them and you don't challenge them by asking, for example, ‘Am I sure that what I’m thinking is true?' and ‘What evidence do I have for how I’m thinking about this situation?' Instead, you notice the negative thoughts and let them go so you can move on to more helpful ways of thinking, responding and behaving.
Just realizing that your mind is thinking negative thoughts means you have already begun to de-fuse from those thoughts; separated yourself a little bit from them. Writing them down can separate you from them too – instead of letting negative thoughts swirl around in your mind, you can see your thoughts as just letters and words on paper.
3. Commitment
When negativity overwhelms you, the emotional (limbic) part of your brain takes over and the thinking part of your brain (neocortex) shuts down.
When you accept and let go of negative thoughts and feelings, you give the neocortex – the rational, logical part of your mind – the opportunity to start working for you; to think in more helpful, positive ways. You can think about what is important to you in a situation, plan and take action accordingly.
For example, with the thoughts: ‘She must know how much time I spent writing this! I’ve done it all for nothing. Again. What a complete waste of time. She's obviously decided to wind me up.' You simply acknowledge and accept that it's not helping you to stay stuck in those thoughts and you move on to thinking what positive thoughts or action you can take.
And if, for example, you have the opportunity for a career change, instead of thinking ‘I'd have to retrain, the money wouldn't be as good for the first couple of years, I'd need to re-organize childcare …’ you accept but then let go of those doubtful, negative thoughts. You then commit yourself, your time and energy to finding positive solutions to retraining, finances, childcare etc.
An acceptance and commitment approach emphasizes that no matter what you thought before, what matters now is how you think from now on. In fact, just thinking about what you have to gain rather than what you have to lose will help you let go of negativity.
‘Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.’
Maori proverb
In a nutshell
- Once you're more aware of your negative thoughts, you're in a better position to disempower them and to use them as a cue for positive action.
- Challenging the way you're thinking, and recognizing that it doesn't make you feel good or help you to get what you want, can prompt you to look at things from a different perspective.
- When you replace negative thoughts, you're looking to see what positive thoughts might be possible instead.
- Be sure to phrase your alternative, positive thoughts in terms that are plausible and realistic enough for you to believe them.
- Anything and everything can be explained in a positive or negative way. A Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) approach suggests that you choose the most helpful, positive and plausible interpretation and tell that to yourself. Doing this can then positively influence how you respond to situations.
- An ‘acceptance and commitment’ approach encourages you simply to accept and then let go of negative thoughts and instead commit yourself, your time and energy to positive thoughts and solutions.