Chapter 27
PUTTING ON THE POKER FACE
Here’s the thing: In negotiations, in business, in life, people piss off people. Suck it up. Put on a poker face. Remember what your goal is – to negotiate the best deal for your client, close deals, and make money. Not to duke it out in the parking lot.
Like I said, when it comes to money, a pressured shot clock, and someone’s livelihood, people get weird. They get nasty. Suck it up. I don’t care if you’re cursed off, rudely dismissed, or get a drink thrown on you. You’re a mature adult trying to close a deal. This is business. Suck it up: no emotion, just a poker face. Make money. In the words of my father, “Don’t believe in the person, don’t believe in the project, believe in yourself. Act accordingly.”
The Anger Hammer
Imagine that every time you lose your cool in negotiations, a big shiny hammer appears in the sky and comes hurtling downward, right toward your head. (Let’s not confuse this anger hammer with the golden hammers of knowledge we use to wield power in negotiation, but if you can get a handle on the anger hammer . . . well, I’ll get to that later.)
Emotion, especially anger, is weakness at the negotiating table, and if you can’t find your poker face, buying and selling real estate is going to be hard for you. Don’t whine, don’t bitch, don’t pout, don’t curse, don’t get angry, don’t pace, and don’t storm out. Shit happens. Not everyone is as respectful as they should be. Know this going in and be prepared to let it roll of your back with a smile. It’s the job.
At the same time, where there are people, there are emotions. Even me – an animal, the Shark – I am still human. Many times I have wanted to launch across a table and beat the hell out of an agent or a client, but what kind of way is that to act? That’s high school shit. Like it or not, we’re made of emotion. What matters is the type of feeling and how hard and loudly it is expressed. If you let emotion override your mission – which is getting the best for your clients – you have failed.
When it comes to emotion in a real estate deal, you have three choices: (1) feel it and express it, (2) feel it but don’t show it, or (3) program it out of your system.
You never want to be in the position #1, wearing your hammers on your sleeve. Save the venting for home if you must.
As for #2, card players aren’t born with blank faces. They cultivate their look over time. Hell, most even wear sunglasses to hide their eyes. Here’s where the poker face comes in handy. If you need to, practice. Seriously. Silently say “poker face” and let your facial muscles go slack. Train your muscles to relax on command. Develop muscle memory. This is a proven science. Through repetition, you train a muscle to move or not move in a certain way. A baseball player may practice a shoulder rotation 1,000 times before using it in practice, another 2,000 times before throwing in a game.
When you get a good blank face going, look your counterpart in the eye. Keep your body loose and relaxed. Your voice should be neutral and focused on the facts at hand. Breathe evenly. The poker face is easy to master and you’ll find it effective in many situations beyond the negotiating table. It helps you relax in general.
Programming the emotion out of your system, #3, is a little more difficult to pull off. It takes experience. If you’ve been in this situation before and can reason your way out of it with confidence, you’ll have built a winning strategy with a crystal clear mission. You are relaxed and clear-headed. Maybe you meditate, pray, or have assessed a situation and placed yourself in an “I don’t care” zone with eyes on the prize.
What about me, you ask? I lift at the gym every morning. Not only does it work out stress by releasing endorphins, the accompanying breathing is a meditation. I come out of that place ever day, completely oxygenated and ready to work, calm, cool, hungry for a deal.
The greatest center of negotiation research is just outside my hometown, at Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, which teaches future leaders diplomacy and the art of avoiding both war and famine all over the world. Their work saves millions of lives. The business and law schools have legendary programs as well and they’ve created a large body of research, still changing constantly, on the effects of emotion when trying to forge a deal. The greatest offenders in the emotion category are anxiety and fear.
Until the last century, transactional deal making – that’s buying and selling to you and me – was studied primarily through strategies and tactics. Researchers studied how you squeeze the most out of every deal through offer and counteroffer strategies, skimming over the fact that humans were making the transactions. Researchers finally began to study the impact of emotion, but it was more the “impact of mood” and how positive and negative outlooks affected final outcomes.
In just the last decade, reams of data have been generated on the impact of specific emotions, which has given negotiators lots of hammers to throw as well as strategies to get their own feelings under control. I’ve seen a lot of emotion over the years and I’ve learned to use it to my benefit.
Fight or Flight Modes
If you watch closely, you can link physiological signs shown by your fellow negotiators to emotion. Sweaty palms and quick replies might signify anxiety, a sure sign this person is in “fight or flight” mode. This is evolution. Way back when we lived in caves, a tiny part of the brain was dedicated to identifying predators. Saber-toothed tigers, velociraptors and other man-eaters like sharks wanted to eat us alive. This part of our brain perceived the threat and would kick into action. Still does. That’s your “fight or flight” center and it lives in your head in an area known as the “lizard brain.”
I have been in more than one negotiation where I thought, “Oh yep, they got lizard brain.” From there, you know that this negotiator will want to windup quickly and flee the table, so now you have a hammer in hand. Throw them a life preserver in your benefit. “We could wrap this up now if you’d just . . .” and see if they jump. You’ve given them an out of the process. Meet your demands and they’re free.
Anxious negotiators often have low confidence levels and deliver weaker first offers, which means in most cases they are weak negotiators. You come in low and weak, your offer probably won’t win the day. Your entire business will suffer. If you can’t overcome it through experience and changing your behavior, you should get a different job.The anxious also seek advice and affirmation from other parties. Remember, in the words of my wife’s yoga teacher, “Leaders don’t need cheerleaders!” I’ve even seen non-leaders ask advice from the person negotiating against them, and they often can’t discern who is on their side and who isn’t. You can “coach” the non-leaders with comps, presenting your narrative, your playbook. For a shark like me, the anxious are fish in a barrel. I plant an idea in their heads, one in which all my deal points are accepted, and I assist them in thinking it was all their idea.
You never know where bad behavior is going to flare up and screw up your deal. It can come from other agents, potential buyers, and even your own client. It’s a minefield of low-self esteem, ego, emotional baggage, and need. And, well . . . fear. Sellers worry about two mortgages and buyers worry about being homeless.
The more you acknowledge emotion and understand it in yourself and others, the better real estate agent you’ll be. That’s it. Suck it up. Poker face. It’s just one of those jobs where you’ve got to read people and the charge they give off, especially your own clients.
Anger is aimed at someone or something while anxiety is turned inward. Anger is the fight part of “fight or flight.” Some negotiators feel it’s useful. They see the negotiation process as “me against them,” a zero-sum game or a fight for the biggest piece of pie. It’s not.
Keith Allred, a former professor at Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, is the man when it comes to anger and its affects on negotiation. He studied it for decades and didn’t find many positive affects. Angry negotiators foster conflict, reduce gains, decrease cooperation and cause every bad feeling to escalate. They may not remember their clients’ needs as well as neutral negotiators do, and that’s because the emotion disrupts memory. They also get their offers rejected more than those who park their emotions at the door, suck it up, and put on their poker face.
The body language of anger is usually the give-away. Be aware of this in yourself and others. Most people don’t walk into the room in full fist-clenched melt down. Look for the signs. Tight lips and tense facial muscles are signs of stress and anger in another person. A furrowed brow and locked stare might make them seem even angrier, maybe even a threat. Diffuse immediately. Suck it up. Poker face. Play nice. Diffuse. This is business.
Stay Grounded with Emotional Intelligence
“Emotional” intelligence lies in your ability to observe and diffuse situations where anger is stopping your ability to get a deal done. The chip-on-the-shoulder negotiator must be dealt with, but how? If they are like the grenade that stops deals, you need to make sure no one pulls the pin. People snap. They go nuts. Help them not or use it against them. I find a pointed question usually quiets things down.
If a guy walks in all pissed, I try calling it out politely, maybe with a slight stance. “Are you angry at something or just trying to throw some shade in hopes of intimidating me? Can’t be done, friend.” The fact you saw it and called it first gives you leverage. Naming something gives you power over it. But be careful: Use innocent questions, not labeling statements. Just like telling your lover in a heated argument, “You’re so angry. Relax and calm down,” it could escalate things quickly. Be aware of this and be ready.
A pointed question also makes it more difficult to lie. If you suspect the anger is a show to cover something, pointed questions will draw it out or you are sitting across from one hell of a liar. This same type of intelligence helps you manage the feelings of others, creating the environment you like best at the table. You can try humor or empathy. If the other person continues to be pushy and overconfident, it’s time to show a subtle bit of anger from you. That usually induces a healthy amount of fear to get things moving.
You can also label your own emotion instead of just apologizing. Try saying, “I just get so damned passionate on behalf of my clients.” It puts an entirely new spin on it, doesn’t it? The point is to run the show by presenting emotion in the context of how you want your counterpart to see it.
Positive emotions affect negotiation as well. Since there is usually a long run-up of meetings and showings and strategy and phone calls before a closing, each point of contact is a moment to keep the process and the feelings positive. If and when you sit down at the negotiation table, the environment is alkaline, not acidic. No venom necessary. Remember that your job is often to act as therapist. Be cool. Be respectful. Be firm if need be, but acknowledge the other person. Be empathetic and understanding in most cases.
Matt and I have a 90-year-old client who is about to move to assisted living. The builder who is buying the house wants to start work immediately. Carrying costs are high once escrow closes, but the elderly woman can’t move into her new apartment until a week after the close. Even in the frenzy of getting a new build started, the builder sat down and we renegotiated a five-day grace period so the woman doesn’t have to see her trees ripped out. She will reduce the purchase price $10,000 so that she can exit her house with it whole. I admire the builder. He chose empathy and it meant the world to her and her children.
Empathy will help keep emotional charges out of the air so you can move forward. The more you understand your counterpart’s motivations and goals, the better you can align them with yours and work out a deal. That’s the idea right? Closing a deal? You’re goddamn right it is. You’re “Hollywood.” You’re a closer. Close.
Now, I’m a baller and damn proud of it. I’m a shark, a closer. It’s integral to the hustle. What I am not is a wannabe tough guy – the ones who flex for show and are full of it. Fake thugs. That’s a potentially dangerous deal-wrecking animal. True tough guys keep their cool. I get my high from making deals, from making money. I’m not going to ruin that for a pissing match with a fool.
Know the Classic Hard-Baller Moves
Before I can tell you how to respond to “hard ballers” – and I deal with them constantly in the celebrity world of Los Angeles – let me isolate their moves and catch phrases:
- Extreme Demands with Slow Concessions The Behavior: A seller might demand a buyer raise the EMD then not respond to earnest requests for, say, appliances or large outdoor furniture.
- The Anecdote: Keep your eye on your BANTA (next house, next buyer) and know your bottom line. Insist they respond to your request or your BANTA kicks in.
- “My Hands Are Tied” The Behavior: Hard-ballers will claim they have no choice just to get you to stop working a deal point; it’s on someone else, they’ll say. Since it’s not always possible to know if they are telling the truth or are full of shit, make the whole game real.
- The Anecdote: I say, “Well give me the phone number of the decision maker. I’m trying to make a deal here.” You’ll find out quick if it’s crap or not.
- “Take It or Leave It” The Behavior: Nonsense. The entire purpose of a negotiation is a back and forth, an agreement of some kind. The “my-way-or-the-highway” life isn’t the right one for a real estate agent. Versatility and cooperation will get you better outcomes and much bigger checks.
- The Anecdote: Focus on your deal points and keep on mission. Insist on negotiation. Sit through the nonsense and restate your point, working toward a deal. This is usually all bark and no bite. They want a deal. You know it and they know it, otherwise they wouldn’t be at the table.
- Concessions without Counters The Behavior: I love these types. You make an offer and they immediately start pushing for more, trying to get you to bid against yourself. This is an easy one.
- The Anecdote: Say, “Issue me a counter, please.” Hang up.
- The Huffers, the Puffers, the Liars The Behavior: Some real estate professionals love wild exaggeration, veiled threats, insults, and warnings to do what they say. That’s BS. If you feel ruffled, get up for a minute and reset the conversation. Better yet, ignore them.
- The Anecdote: Call them on it. Tell them you need the back-up information on their wild claims and that you don’t do insults. Tell them you’ll come back when they have control of themselves or to cut the shit and keep moving toward a deal.
Wannabe tough guys are often covering for what they don’t have. That’s confidence, respect, and knowledge. Sometimes, being a wannabe tough guy is an outgrowth of commission breath, desperation. None of their moves are particularly good or skilled, but to do the deal, you’ve got to try and get them in line.
Use Confidence to Grab the Hammer
As for confidence, there’s the general confidence a person may or may not carry, and there’s calculated confidence. I talk about this all the time. If you’ve done your research and worked your deal, you have no reason to walk into the final phase of a property sale feeling anxious and angry.
This is a transaction, a transfer of money, not a date to the prom. You have a clear objective and there is no reason to get involved with anything other than that. Do not engage the angry. You grab the hammer, control the time, and let them simmer down. Got an OG still seeking revenge for something she didn’t like in 2013? Do the deal with her and if you have to, call her out every step of the way. In negotiations, the ones who remain even and keep their cool get the best result.
Alright. You’ve now marched through multiple offers and a war, closed, and thrown back celebratory tequila shots with the other agent. Your focus is on two new active opens as well as the continuous passive openings of two speaking engagements and a podcast. Your mind is on new clients, facts, and figures, and looking back over a deal isn’t appetizing.
I say you should and you must. Just as you go over the details of the negotiation, analyze the emotion around major points. If your opponent expressed anger, what did you do? Did it work? Did you suck it up, poker face? Were you successful in getting the negotiation restarted?
What about you? Did you lose your cool over anything? What was it? Do you have any understanding of why? I’m not asking anyone to enter Freudian analysis here, just think about it. Does another agent really hit your buttons? Do you have any idea why? Are you going to let it affect your career?
You’ve seen me on TV. I’ve had to keep my cool many times. As a result, I make money. That’s the best revenge. Do the same. That’s the job. Remember, this is chess, not checkers. I’m only here to close deals and make money. What’s your goal? Are you “Hollywood” or high school? Be a professional.
Can you power through your emotion with a poker face? Predictable emotions help your opponent manipulate you. Don’t show weakness in war. If you run hot, you will be pulled off rational points. You’ll fall victim to misdirection as they stir your emotion over something that doesn’t matter to cover up something that does. Emotion is not always weakness, but not understanding it is. Act accordingly. Take notes on your own reactions and if the feelings get in your way, use your rational mind to neutralize.
If you hit negative emotion around something or someone, run it through your System 2 thinking. Your feelings are real but did the event happen the way you saw it? Did you see all of it? It sounds stupid, but all day long we run around making assumptions that aren’t good for anyone. Remember, even in the mob movies the hothead is always first to be buried in the ditch. If he’s the Alpha – the Joe Pesci who makes it to the last act – he still ends up getting tossed in the bay.
Don’t be the hothead. If you constantly feel worked over by a situation, figure out how you can stop the feeling. Empathy helps. So does understanding. Suck it up. Poker face. Close. Make money. Keep your cool. Keep your head. Be a pro.