CHAPTER 4
WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.
—Isaac Asimov
Consider the following situation: A customer follows up on a request for feedback at a local eatery because his order came out wrong. Somehow the ingredients in his omelet and his wife’s got mixed up. He sends an e-mail to the owner, who wasn’t in the restaurant when they visited, explaining what they ordered and what they received, attaching a copy of the receipt that detailed the order. A short time later, the owner sends a heartfelt apology along with an offer of a gift certificate for the customer’s next visit and inquires, “Was the cashier who took your order male or female? I’ll bet it was a female because she’s new. We’ll certainly go over things with her so she does not make the same mistake again.”
This is so wrong on so many levels. First, the cashier was a male, someone who’d been working there for years. Second, as best the customer could tell from the receipt, the order was placed correctly and it was the kitchen staff that made mistakes. One of the items ordered was a breakfast special, an omelet with Swiss cheese. The omelet the customer received contained cheddar cheese. The receipt clearly showed that the breakfast special was ordered.
This was a teachable moment for the owner. She made an assumption, jumped to a conclusion, and had already assigned blame without examining all the evidence and gathering all the facts. She may have been creating conflict rather than managing it.
Problem solving is central to managing conflict, but the problem can’t be solved until it’s identified. Just like a physician must diagnose an ailment before treating it, so must parties to a conflict acknowledge that there is a problem and work to get to its source. No matter with whom you are in conflict—your boss, your coworker or teammate, your employee (if you’re in a manager or leadership role), a peer—acknowledging and solving the problem is critical to assuring a positive organizational culture. Equally important is ensuring you are identifying, addressing, and solving the correct problem.
Chapter 11: What’s An Organization to Do?
What’s in it for me? Resolving conflict empowers managers and employees to:
Work effectively as teams.
Build trusting relationship.
Foster creativity.
Contribute to the organizational knowledge.
Confront destructive behavior and move to positive solutions.
Take ownership and be a part of the solution.
Build communication skills.
Build consensus.
Conflict in organizations can often be good, and with a good conflict, relationships matter and are valued. Why do relationships matter? Flatter organizations and wider spans of control have dispersed power in organizations, giving lower-level managers and employees greater autonomy to take action and make decisions. With power dispersed, people need to negotiate solutions to problems with others, often those over whom they may have little or no formal authority.1 Regardless of where you sit in an organization, you have a responsibility, as does everyone else, to maintain positive working relationships and problem solving is critical to those relationships.
Getting to the root cause of the problem requires an emphasis on fact finding and asking good questions. Effective conversations and dialogue are keys to getting the facts and uncovering the problem.
Claire is on a weekly conference call with a client and other members of the project team, some of whom work for other organizations. Claire is providing her update when her new boss, Jacob, walks into her office without knocking. He starts pacing back and forth and, finally, pulls a chair next to her and mutters under his breath how “pissed” he is. Obviously, it’s his expectation that his presence trumps anything else that Claire is doing at that moment. Quite rattled, Claire continues giving her update and stays on the call until the end. By that time Jacob has left. She now ponders what she should do: ignore the situation or confront Jacob and tell him his behavior was disturbing during this important call with the client. She also stops to consider if Jacob’s behavior is the only problem she has to address.
Effective Conversations
The purpose of an effective conversation is to develop a free flow of relevant information. You do this through dialogue where people are openly and honestly expressing their opinions, sharing their feelings, and articulating their theories willingly, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.2
Dialogue is a two-way exchange of information and ideas. For a conversation to be effective, all the individuals involved have to enter it with open minds, be present in the moment, and be aware of what’s happening and what’s being said. It also helps if both people can approach the conversation in a non-judgmental manner. You can encourage dialogue by:
Being at ease—it will put the others at ease.
Getting the other person’s perspective. Asking others to contribute and provide opinions is a compliment.
Showing sensitivity and listening for statements that may lead to new or additional information.
Checking for understanding by repeating, paraphrasing, and taking time to reflect before stating your immediate reaction. Don’t assume that everybody sees things the same as you.
Using listening skills. Being patient.3
Chapter 5: Listen Up!
There are a variety of skills that can help you and others engage in meaningful dialogue.
Attending skills are very helpful in establishing ease. Sit next to each other, rather than across the table or room. It puts everyone on an even level. Maintaining good eye contact and using appropriate gestures and a warm tone of voice convey that you are attending to and in tune with each other. Using phases such as “I see,” “I hear you,” and “I understand” also convey that you are acknowledging what is being said. Keep in mind that such acknowledgment by the other person doesn’t necessarily signal that they are in agreement with you. Acknowledgment is recognition; it is the essential element of respect.
Encouraging skills should be used when you have a need for the other person to elaborate on his/her thoughts or feelings. Encouraging skills use statements and questions such as:
I’d like to know how you feel about it.
Would you like to talk about it? Tell me more about it.
Is there anything else you’d like to say?
Perhaps you could tell me about….
Is there anything else I should know?
Clarifying skills should be used when you are unsure what the other person is saying and you want to reduce ambiguity and establish clarity. Clarifying skills use statements and questions such as:
What I think you are saying is…
Could you give me an example of…?
I’m not sure I understand. Could you repeat that?
Could you tell me more about…?
Different words have different meanings to different people. Be sure to explain terms and jargon so others know what you mean. Don’t assume that other people will know what you mean.
Reflecting skills allow you to restate, in your own words, what the other person is saying. You can reflect on either the content or the feeling that is being expressed. It shows understanding and acceptance and allows you to keep the conversation on track. Reflecting skills use statements such as:
Do you think it’s a good idea if…?
You would really like it if…
You think that…4
What discourages dialogue in organizations? Some people are conflict averse. For them, it’s easier to be silent. Some organizations or professions are hierarchical in nature and confronting situations and problems is not part of their culture. Some people want to defer to authority (especially when that’s the culture of the organization) even if they have information or experience that is contrary to their manager’s or other senior leader’s position. Staff members don’t want to run the risk of upsetting the boss. Sometimes situations are just plain embarrassing or personal such as hygiene or dress code issues. Failing to confront a difficult situation doesn’t solve anything. Issues go underground and problems fester. People get discouraged and leave, taking their institutional knowledge and talent with them. Managers don’t receive either meaningful feedback or crucial information. Mistakes are made and nobody wins, especially the organization.
Louise is one of the most efficient and effective employees Harrison ever hired. There’s no task she won’t do when asked. As the receptionist, she’s great on the phone and with greeting visitors to the office. She’d be the perfect employee, except for the tight, low-cut tops she wears that show too much cleavage. Recognizing that this is going to be a difficult conversation to have with her, Harrison ponders his options: avoid the situation because no one has complained, ask a female colleague to talk to her, or prepare for her reaction and talk to her himself.
Get Good Information
For a conversation to be free flowing, everyone involved has to be prepared to get and to give information in a constructive, collaborative manner. Each person comes into the conversation with his/her own opinions, feelings, beliefs, theories, histories, and experiences. The objective is to create an environment or pool where people can collectively share their ideas and information so the pool becomes rich and deep with information. The deeper the pool, the more trusting the environment, the better positioned the parties are to make the best possible decisions.5 As you work to create a two-way exchange of information, stay flexible about who asks the questions and who states concerns or provides information first.
In order to obtain good information, you have to learn to ask a number of different types of questions and practice different questioning techniques. Each serves a specific purpose and should be used appropriately and interchangeably.
Open-ended questions provide an opportunity for the other person to tell it in his/her own words. They often give the greatest amount of information.
Examples: “Tell me what happened.” “Help me better understand.” “Can you say a little more about how you see things?” “Tell me why this is important.”
Closed-ended questions provide limited answers. They are useful to obtain specific information or to clarify facts. You may need to use them to keep the discussion focused and on track.
Examples: “Did you tell Jean you would be late for work?” “Did you fail to send the e-mail as you were instructed?”
Reflective questions provide an opportunity to clarify information previously stated. They are helpful if information appears to be conflicting, or if the other person appears to be uncertain or hesitant.
Examples: “Did you say that you called in sick on Monday or Tuesday?” “Do I understand that you never received the document you were asked to review?”
Factual questions provide specific and targeted information. They are helpful in separating facts from assumptions. You may want to use them when you need to ask for supporting facts, documents, or other evidence. You can verify the answers to factual questions by checking a second or third source.
Examples: “How many people overheard the conversation?” “On what date did you receive that phone call?”
Opinion-based questions provide the other person with an opportunity to clarify his/her beliefs, attitudes, and opinions. They are useful in distinguishing first- from second-hand knowledge.
Examples: “What do you mean she has a poor attitude?” “Do you think that your manager treats men more favorably than women?”
Descriptive questions provide an opportunity to describe the events or give a narrative account.
Examples: “Describe the events leading up to your manager screaming at the staff.” “Tell me exactly what happened on Monday afternoon.”
Feeling or emotive questions provide the other person the opportunity to describe his/her feelings.
Examples: “How did you feel when she said that to you?” “What was your reaction to his statement?”
Be curious and probe. Ask who, what, when, where, and why questions and clarify terminology and acronyms. It is also important to ask for concrete or relevant information. For example:
“What leads you to say that?”
“Can you give me an example?”
“How would that work?”
It is equally important for the conversation and thought process to flow. Too many questions and interjections could disrupt this flow. Though you need to control the time and the discussion, don’t control the direction of the discussion. Talking too much may be a barrier that contributes to the erosion of communication.
Push other people to be specific, using the following probes:
“Please fill me in on the details.”
“Can you give me a specific example of what happened?”
“Do you have a particular situation in mind?”
“What exactly do you want me to do?”6
Give Good Information
When you give information, you want it to be relevant, precise, and accurate. You want to assure that the other person receives the information you intend for them to have. Beware of providing too much information at one time because it could be overwhelming.
Be specific and provide details. Ask yourself, “What information do I have that the other person needs?” Lack of specificity causes problems. Tasks go uncompleted and questions fail to get answered because people are not mind readers. Be honest and positive rather than negative. We hear and remember positive words better than negative words and the listener is more likely to remember what you said. Be accurate and check your facts.7
You want to get and give good information in order to get to the root cause of the problem. During your discussion, be sure that you:
Explain the problem as you see it without judgment.
Ask the other person to explain the problem from his/her point of view.
Ask for clarity.
Keep the person and attitudes separate from this issue.
Are factual.
Describe behavior you observe.
Avoid subjective language.
Beyond the Facts—Feelings
Understand that feelings are normal and natural. Without them we wouldn’t be human. Learn to recognize and acknowledge them. They are part of who you are—your emotional intelligence. Your awareness of and your ability to express your feelings and emotions will vary depending on the relationship you’re in at any given time. Recognizing this helps you to understand what you’re feeling and why. Just as you have feelings, so do the other parties to your conflict and conversations. Their feelings are important, and so are yours.8
In order to keep the conversation positive and productive, learn to listen for emotions and attitudes. Is the other person expressing his/her feelings either directly or indirectly? What feelings is he displaying and is he aware of his feelings? How are they impacting the conversation and the situation?
Victor and Raymond are involved in a conversation about their respective roles and responsibilities. Raymond starts to take the conversation off course by bringing up unrelated issues in a cool, somewhat calculating manner. Victor can feel himself getting angry—he’s even starting to sweat—but he doesn’t want to lose his temper. He raises his hand to indicate a halt and says, “I think we need to take a break and resume this later.”
Don’t try to control the other person’s reactions or emotions. Instead, prepare for it. If you’re initiating the conversation, think of how it might go. Put yourself in the other person’s place. Think about how their reactions might affect you and throw you off balance. The more prepared you are, the less likely it is that you’ll be blindsided.
Remember: The goal of the conversation is to keep the facts central to the issue while at the same time acknowledging that people and their emotions are often integral parts of the interaction. To do this, you need to maintain balance and control. In an emotionally charged situation, it might be easy to assume that feelings are irrelevant and wouldn’t be helpful to share. Try restating your assumption by acknowledging that feelings are at the heart of the situation and are complex, and acknowledge that you have to explore further to understand your own feelings. This moves you from avoidance of your feelings to addressing them (yours and theirs) in a non-judgmental manner. Acknowledge feelings before you embark on problem solving.9
Maintain control and balance if feelings and emotions begin to dominate the conversation. Doing so will build constructive relationships, maintain the confidence and self-esteem of all the parties involved, and ensure that there is integrity in the process and the relationships. Here are some tips for doing so:
Maintain a level-headed response to others’ intense emotions and don’t let them push your buttons.
Don’t absorb their issues or unrealistic expectations; give them a shot of reality.
Stick to the facts and the issues.
Remain objective and neutral.
Be understanding. The other person may be deflecting his or her emotions toward you.
Acknowledge the behavior in a calm manner.
Model constructive behavior.
Use a soft approach by softening your voice, posture, tone, eye contact, and body language; it sends a message of openness.
Breathe deeply and don’t become defensive.
Avoid sounding patronizing, even if you are frustrated.
Avoid interrupting, unless it’s to get a conversation back on track.
Use tact and sensitivity.
Propose an approach to refocus.
Determine if you can continue in a constructive way at this time.
Appendix: Working With Emotions
A Second Look
What could the owner at the local eatery have done differently to solve the problem that was central to this conflict? Rather than look back and assign blame, she could have looked forward and begun to understand the problem. When she placed blame, she made a bad judgment call that hindered her ability to understand and solve the problem.
She should have looked at the receipt that the customer sent, which detailed the order. She should have questioned the manager who was on duty that morning to confirm what the breakfast special was and compared it to the order. She should have inquired who was working the counter and who was working in the kitchen. She failed to question whether or not procedures had been followed. The problem may have been with the motivation and/or ability of one of the staff members—either someone who worked in the kitchen or someone who worked the counter. She failed to look at the systems in the establishment as a whole to see if there was room for process improvement. Without getting some simple facts, she hindered her ability to get to the root cause of the problem and address it.
Claire’s dilemma is different. There is more than one issue here, and potentially several. The first is that Jacob’s behavior—barging into her office and breathing down her neck during an important call with the client—was unexpected and unnerving for her. The second issue is that Jacob is new to both the organization and the industry, and appears to be unaware of its culture.
Because this is the first time Claire has encountered this behavior by Jacob, she decides to confront it now while the situation is still fresh and recent. In preparing to speak to him, she clarifies the issue she needs to confront and asks herself what the consequences are to her, to her relationship with Jacob, to her relationship with the client, and to the project.10 This allows her to focus, to explain the impact his behavior had on her, and to provide him with information about the client and the project. It will also give her an opportunity to talk about expectations—what she expects from him and what he expects from her.
Chapter 6: You Want Me to Do What?
As appealing as the other two options are, Harrison knows that he has to have a talk with Louise. He knows avoiding the problem will not make it go away, and in the long run will grow worse and may even be costly. It could just take one snide remark about her appearance for a harassment claim to surface.
As uncomfortable as the situation may be for him, shirking his responsibility and asking a female colleague or human resources to handle his employee issue could ruin his relationship with Louise. She may no longer respect him (or his authority) as her manager. The only way to address this issue is to prepare for a possibly negative reaction and confront Louise. Of course, he may seek help and guidance in the way of role-playing from a colleague or human resources as part of his preparation.
Chapter 9: Whose Fight Is It Anyway?
Victor left the building after his confrontation with Raymond. To cool off, he took a walk around the office park where his company’s offices were located. By taking this time out and leaving an emotional situation, he was able to reflect. He is keenly aware of his tendency to become angry and sometimes act out on that anger. He could feel his body reacting. He didn’t want to get knocked off balance. With his head clear, he can return to his office and prepare how he will resume the conversation with Raymond.
Essential Tips
Have dialogues, not monologues.
Ask questions that will get you the facts and information that you need.
Remain factual and provide information in a non-judgmental manner.
Don’t try to control someone else’s reactions and emotions—prepare for them.
Keep an open mind and remain unbiased.
Use good judgment.