I'll begin with a closer look at the parental role itself. You could argue that a parent's job is to do, at a minimum, the following:

These are what I consider the very basics of parenting. They take care of a child's physical needs, socialization, rules of behavior, and general survival skills. They do not, however, address the multitude of other aspects of parenting that are just as critical to the development and growth of a child.

Here are a few general categories of parenting I think are important and influenced by the use of body language and nonverbal messages:

Let's take a more detailed look at each of these categories.

Emotional development. This category includes a parent's efforts to help a child learn to better understand and deal with his emotions at different stages of life. A parent might teach about when and where it's appropriate to express anger, enthusiasm, fear, sadness, or any other emotion that might occur. Additionally, a parent is likely to help a child learn to control emotions and understand how they influence other aspects of life.

Decision-making skills. This category is for the lessons a parent teaches about how to evaluate information and make good decisions. A parent might emphasize exploring multiple options, verifying the accuracy of information, or including moral beliefs in the decision-making process. There is a bit of overlap between decision-making skills and emotional development, as emotions can play a powerful role in hasty or unwise decisions.

Goal setting. This category includes a parent's efforts to help a child plan for the future and create long-term growth. A child who doesn't know how to set goals is much like a boat without a rudder, floating about with no clear direction. Commonly encouraged goals might be learning to walk, talk, eat with a spoon, get dressed, tie a pair of tennis shoes, ride a bike, read a book, and so on.

Work ethic. This category is for the ways in which a parent teaches a child about effort and reward, even when that reward is simply the satisfaction of completing a difficult task. It also relates to issues of earning privileges, being responsible, and choosing to do something the right way rather than the easy or convenient way.

Social responsibility. This category includes a parent's guidance about how a child contributes to general society. It might include something as simple as using a garbage can rather than littering, or something more complex like volunteering and doing good works to help improve some aspect of the world, community, or the lives of people. This is the glue that holds cultures together because it ensures each generation will grow up to participate and keep the culture alive, in time passing that same sense of social responsibility on to their own offspring.

Personal responsibility. This category is for the influence of a parent on a child's development of accountability and understanding of the relationship between actions and consequences. It may show up as warning a small child not to throw toys and putting the child in time-out for throwing a toy after having been warned. This pattern of requiring accountability and enforcing the connection between actions and consequences is one way in which a parent instills a sense of personal responsibility in a child.

Now, I said earlier that I'm not a parenting expert, I'm a body language expert, so you might wonder why I'm including all of these areas of focus that relate to how a parent raises a child. The connection here is that these are all common areas addressed by parents and parents commonly use body language and nonverbal behaviors to teach or reinforce these concepts.

Here is that list of parenting categories again, but this time with examples of how nonverbal communication is part of the overall teaching process:

Emotional development. Facial expressions are important for teaching and modeling emotional development lessons, such as when a parent smiles at a child who uses words to express anger rather than hitting. Nodding or shaking the head is another way a parent communicates whether a child is handling emotions appropriately or emphasizes key points when having a discussion with the child.

Decision-making skills. A parent might use exaggerated body language to teach about decision-making skills related to selecting an appropriate toy for a particular circumstance. If it is play time, for instance, movements that imitate throwing a ball or riding a bike might be used to help a child choose whether to go outdoors or sit in front of the TV. If it is nearing bedtime, however, hugging a teddy bear and putting away a race car helps a child decide on a more calming toy that will help him settle down for the night.

Goal setting. Parents use a lot of body language to encourage and reward goal setting. For instance, when an infant is first learning to walk, a parent will use facial expressions, gestures, and body movement to encourage the child to give it a try and reward the child for the effort even if he doesn't succeed. Every time the parent smiles and claps for the baby who is trying to walk, the message the child receives is, "You can do it, keep challenging yourself and you can learn to walk."

Work ethic. A parent who assigns a child to rake the leaves will reinforce the importance of working diligently in several ways. The parent might work alongside the child doing a similar task or make a point of checking on progress and offering a pat on the back for continued effort. The message received by the child is that it is important to keep working and complete the task, even if the task is unpleasant or there is something more enjoyable the child could be doing at that moment.

Social responsibility. A parent who walks past litter, drops a piece of garbage, or pretends not to see a garbage can is sending powerful nonverbal messages about the importance of throwing garbage away in a proper receptacle. The message is that it doesn't matter if the child litters or not, even if the parent's words say the child should use a garbage can. The nonverbal message conflicts with the verbal message and has greater influence than the verbal message.

Personal responsibility. A parent might enforce the lesson of personal responsibility by deliberately avoiding eye contact with a child who is screaming and upset about being put in time-out. The message is that the consequence remains in effect whether the child likes it or not, so in the future the child should be more accountable for the actions he chooses to take.

That's enough of body language and its relationship to parenting in general. Let's move on to body language and nonverbal behaviors and how they influence interactions with children of different ages.

Newborns and infants are preprogrammed to respond to body language, most especially facial expressions. They quickly learn to recognize the happy, smiling face of a parent and work mightily to learn how to smile back. Newborns use body language of their own to communicate with their parents, such as making a sucking motion when hungry or scrunching up the legs when stomach gas is causing pain. The parent interprets these nonverbal messages and takes action to provide whatever it is the newborn needs.

As infants grow and learn to crawl around, their use of and understanding of body language continues to grow as well. For example, if the infant reaches for something fragile and off limits such as a vase, the parent uses a stern tone of voice to say no, scrunches up the face to show disapproval, and shakes the head back and forth to further send the message that the child should leave the vase alone. Infants will also use their own body language to check in with their parents if they are in doubt about whether something is allowed or not. Take that same vase sitting on a coffee table. The child might edge closer and closer to the vase, periodically looking back at the parent for a sign of approval or disapproval. The child might even reach out and attempt to touch the vase, again looking to the parent for some signal indicating whether they are allowed to do that.

A parent's body language is part of teaching an infant how to begin eating soft baby foods. The parent takes a small spoonful of baby food and opens his mouth as the spoon moves closer to the baby's mouth. The parent's open mouth is a nonverbal signal encouraging the baby to imitate that same behavior. Once the food is in the baby's mouth the parent might make chewing and swallowing motions, again encouraging the baby to imitate that behavior. And of course, there is always the technique of the parent eating a spoonful of baby food and smiling happily (no matter how bad it tastes) to encourage the baby to try a spoonful, too.

Toddlers and preschoolers are mobile and can move quickly. Their impulsiveness often leads to actions and behaviors that are unacceptable or even dangerous, such as running into a parking lot, hitting another child, or pulling a dog's tail. A parent's body language then becomes important for showing approval and disapproval as well as guiding the child's movements in the desired direction and at the desired speed.

A very important word for a parent to teach a child is "stop" because it instantly communicates an important message to the child. Body language—such as a stern tone of voice, a stern facial expression, or a hand gesture with palm forward in a signal to stop—is part of that teaching process. The more the parent uses this combination of nonverbal cues, the quicker the child learns what they mean. Many toddlers get to the point where simply giving the hand gesture to stop is enough to get their attention and keep them from doing something they shouldn't.

The issue of running into the parking lot is another one that can be addressed very well with a combination of verbal and nonverbal cues. While the parent tells the child to stop at the curb, take his hand, and look both ways, the parent uses body language to communicate the same messages. A hand gesture indicates the child should stop, an outstretched hand indicates the child should grab hold of the hand, and exaggerated motions of looking both ways teaches the child exactly what look both ways really means.

Preschoolers are especially good at picking up on nonverbal messages from a parent when they are learning a new activity or skill. For example, the proper use of a paint brush becomes more clear when the parent demonstrates or imitates dipping the brush in paint, wiping the excess on the edge of the cup, and smoothing the paint onto the paper.

Sometimes, though, a preschooler's ability to learn from body language leads to unintended consequences, such as when a parent is talking on the phone and makes a talking motion with the hand to indicate the person on the phone is rambling on and on. The next time the child thinks the parent or another child is rambling on too long he is likely to make that same hand motion. Then you get to explain to the child why it was okay for the parent to use that motion but not okay for the child to use that motion.

School-age children learn a great deal from a parent's body language, too. Learning to shoot a basketball, for example, the parent might use hand and body motion to indicate the correct technique and motion for the child to imitate.

School-age children start to explore the world around them in earnest and embrace perceived expectations for their gender. A parent's nonverbal cues can influence both of these activities. For instance, the parent might use body language to teach a child the proper way to use a shovel to dig holes and look for worms. The parent demonstrates how to hold the shovel, how to loosen the ground, and often pantomimes along as the child gives it a try.

Also, a parent can dispel or reinforce gender expectations through conscious or unconscious body language. A parent whose little boy picks up a worm is likely to act interested and ask the boy to show what he found. But if that same parent has a little girl who picks up a worm, the first impulse might be to make a yucky face, make a negative sound, and use an arm gesture to encourage the girl to put the worm down right away. What is the clear message communicated to each child in this situation? It's okay for boys to be interested in worms, it's not okay for girls to be interested in worms.

A growing number of parents deserve a lot of credit, though, for being aware of how their body language influences gender choices and expectations. Nowadays it is common for parents to be just as interested when a girl picks up a worm as when a boy does the same thing. Girls are receiving more and more nonverbal cues that it's okay to be assertive, to try new things, to be good at math and science, to pursue their dreams, and so on. In the same vein, boys are receiving more and more nonverbal cues that it's okay to be compassionate, to be nurturing, to compromise, and to be friends with girls as well as boys.

The next time you see a parent with a school-age child, observe their interactions, and look for body language messages between the parent and child. See how the parent consciously or unconsciously communicates with the child and influences the child's actions or behaviors.

The preteen years are sort of like a preview of what's to come, much like a movie trailer shows you a bit about a film that's coming soon to your local theater. There is just enough information in that trailer to give you a glimpse into the film but not enough to reveal to you the entire story. Interacting with a preteen is nearly the same; you catch a glimpse of what might be on the way during the teen years but you can't yet take in the entire story.

Preteens are also experiencing the first changes in their bodies that eventually lead to puberty. Boys start to notice girls, girls start to notice boys, and parents start to notice subtle changes in their relationship with opposite gender children. A preteen girl who used to gleefully jump on her father and pretend to wrestle him to the ground might suddenly stop doing that and even be reluctant to hug or be hugged by her father. The father might ask the girl what is wrong, but the girl doesn't really know, either. All she knows is she doesn't want her father to hug her. Fathers who see these kinds of changes need to pay close attention to the nonverbal cues their daughters are sending and be respectful of their growing need for privacy and less physical contact with their fathers.

Boys often show behavior that is similar but has some slightly different nuances. For instance, the mother who used to give her son a kiss and hug good-bye before school may suddenly find her son physically resisting or protesting that formerly welcomed hug and kiss. He's likely to just wave and say good-bye or perhaps not even wave at all as he goes out the door to school.

However, it is not at all unusual for preteen boys to still crave their mother's hugs deep down inside. They just don't want to admit it because they are facing pressures to grow up and stop being a little boy. Every once in a while, though, when nobody else is around and the boy has a moment of quiet time with his mother, he'll wrap his arms around her and squeeze her tight, of course receiving a hug that is just as emotional in return. It may only last a moment or two, but in that brief time span the body language between mother and son is unmistakable. Affection, love, appreciation, and security are just a few of the messages going back and forth between them. Just as suddenly as it started it ends, and the boy wanders away again, but the nonverbal communication continues to have a powerful impact.

I mentioned earlier that preteen boys and girls start to notice each other more, and there is a parental influence on this phenomenon as well. Parents who are open and accessible to their children are much better able to communicate with their children during this time of conflicting emotions. The parents who welcome their daughter's first crush when he comes over after school and treat him as a legitimate part of her life set the stage for future years when her relationships become longer and more serious. She will be more likely to bring her boyfriends home and feel comfortable just hanging out there, which is great from the parent's standpoint because it's much easier to keep tabs on exactly what she is doing.

Remember that the preteen years may be just as confusing for parents as they are for children, because nobody is entirely comfortable with the changing feelings and emotions. The best way to get through this phase and on to the real teenage years is to be extra conscious of body language, both yours and your child's, and be open to the messages being communicated.

As soon as parents get through the preteen phase, next up are the teen and young adult years. This is perhaps the most tumultuous time in a parent/child relationship and one that can go on for only a couple of years or extend out further over many years. As difficult as it may be sometimes, maintaining connection and communication is critical to parents and teens successfully navigating their way through this time, and body language can be an extremely revealing communication tool.

Teens have this amazing ability to push you away at the same time they want you to stay near, both literally and figuratively. Modern brain scan research has revealed that the teenage brain undergoes a huge burst of development, which contributes to a teen's notorious tendency toward mood swings, strong emotions, and an apparent lack of impulse control or common sense. The good news is that this kind of behavior is entirely normal, and it presents unique opportunities for parents to connect with their teens.

Parents can tell a lot about a teen by paying attention to body language. It is usually not too difficult to detect the subtle signs of stress, worry, anger, or sadness; what is difficult is getting the teen to open up and talk about those feelings. Even as a teen attempts to push parents away, there are often subtle nonverbal messages that are screaming for the parents to be persistent and stick with their teen. For instance, if a teen's behavior takes a sudden, unusual turn, or if activities that used to bring enjoyment are now abandoned or ignored, it's a good bet the parents need to open up communication and give some support and/or guidance to their child.

Young adults, especially those who are college age, require a different style of parenting altogether. They are truly beginning to venture out on their own, and parents walk a very fine line between letting them go and maintaining a bit of gentle guidance. Parents can use body language as a powerful communication tool for letting their young adult children know they are appreciated and respected as emerging adults. Be open and accessible, but don't hover or hang around too much. Set up house rules to govern issues such as laundry, curfew, food, privacy, and chores. It is not unreasonable to expect a young adult living at home to contribute a bit of rent or take on a specific set of chores in lieu of rent. The parents' verbal and nonverbal communication must be consistent in this situation, establishing rules and holding the young adult accountable for following them.

The relationship between parents and their adult children can cover an entire range of possibilities, from close and personal to distant or nonexistent. Often adult children go through a period of time where they consciously avoid interacting with their parents too much as a way of asserting and demonstrating their own independence. This can be very hard on parents, but the right balance of connection and freedom can lead to a closer relationship later on.

What is that right balance? It differs for everyone, of course, but body language and nonverbal behaviors can give you a pretty good idea of where that balance lies. Keep your body language open, friendly, and caring, but not overwhelming or smothering. Recognize that your adult children may not feel as comfortable hugging you as they did when they were children, and if they have a spouse or partner that person may not be comfortable with hugs, either. It's okay to reach out to adult children, but watch for signs that they feel you are getting too close or too personal. As much as you would like to be a close confidante, chances are your adult children prefer someone else to fulfill that role. The more accepting and understanding you are of their wishes, both spoken and unspoken, the better your relationship is likely to be over the long term.

Everything changes when grandchildren come along. Suddenly your baby has a baby of his own, and you are not the primary decision maker on parenting issues. Thankfully, you get to fulfill an even more rewarding role—grandparent. This is a very special and privileged position, providing a multitude of opportunities for sharing, caring, laughter, and love.

One of the best things you can do for your grandchildren is to love them unconditionally and indulge them a little bit. Not too much, of course, because you certainly don't want them to end up spoiled, but just enough so that time spent with you is a treat and a welcome break from the routine of everyday life.

Body language fits into this relationship quite nicely. A broad smile and welcoming facial expression lets your grandchildren know they are the focus of your attention and a source of great pride. Wide open arms, ready to give a special hug or a playful swing up into the air, also communicate that you love and value your grandchildren.

When you have grandchildren, you have a wonderful opportunity to enjoy the wonders of childhood without the huge responsibility of being the parent. You can get down on the floor and play blocks, because laundry can wait until your grandchild heads home. This kind of focused attention and close participation clearly communicates that your grandchild is important to you and worthy of your attention.

Many grandparents develop special signals or gestures with their grandchildren, something silly or sweet or simple that is shared between grandparent and grandchild. For instance, you might blow a kiss to your grandchildren as they leave your house to head home. Or, you might have a special bear hug or even a handshake for when you greet them or say good-bye to them. Even if it seems silly to you, remember that these little signs are huge and important from a grandchild's perspective. They are anchor points and rituals that reassure your grandchildren of your role in their lives. Years and years down the road, you may even find your grandchildren still remember those nonverbal signals and want to continue using them because they have such a powerful meaning and connection.

In today's world of blended families, it's very possible you could end up with new step grandchildren at some point. In these situations you need to be extra vigilant about body language and nonverbal cues, because the new members of your family may not know quite what to expect. They may have had very different experiences when they were little, or be struggling with the adjustment of living within a stepfamily. The best approach is usually to be friendly, welcoming, and open with your body language, and don't push yourself onto the new grandchildren. Let them become comfortable with you; don't worry, you know a lot about body language so you'll see the nonverbal cues.

And here's something else to consider. In blended families, grandparents can play an important role in helping the new family members grow closer together. Share a favorite story of something your adult child did when he or she was younger, and your new step grandchildren just might feel a bit better about their new family.

The most important thing to remember about body language and grandchildren is that they really do pick up on your nonverbal messages. It's often unconscious and they may not fully understand how they are able to receive the messages, but they do understand the meaning and importance of those messages. Give your grandchildren the focus, respect, and unconditional love they deserve, and you will reap the rewards throughout their lives.