The differences between men and women occur in behaviors as well as the purpose of those behaviors. They are a wonderful combination of preprogrammed characteristics and culturally learned behaviors, which interact with each other sometimes in very complex ways.

Preprogrammed characteristics are those that serve some sort of basic survival purpose. In men they tend to be related to providing protection, defending territory, and maximizing the passing on of their genes. In women, they tend to be related to attracting a desirable mate, nurturing children, and organizing the social environment.

Culturally learned characteristics, on the other hand, are those that develop in response to environmental and social influences. They tend to differ across cultures and even from generation to generation. In men they tend to be related to masculinity, status, and achieving success. In women, they tend to be related to relationships, connection, and interpersonal aspects of life.

Modern life allows a much greater degree of variability in the development and display of both kinds of nonverbal characteristics. For instance, in the business world many women feel they need to take on traditionally male characteristics of dominance, assertiveness, and power in order to succeed. Many industries and disciplines are still overwhelmingly male, so for women it can truly be a matter of survival to adopt characteristics similar to their male peers. Many other women, however, choose to participate in the business world on their own terms. They deal with so-called male bias by emphasizing their own skills, attributes, and contributions to the business environment. They embrace their dual roles as business professionals and women, blending the two together and making them into one integrated approach to life.

On the other end of the spectrum, modern men are far more likely to feel comfortable letting traditionally female characteristics develop or show through. The acceptability of men expressing emotions, sharing feelings, and nurturing children are more and more evident in today's world and, in fact, are often viewed as highly desirable. Where the traditional male role was to be the breadwinner and head of the family, the modern male role is more often one of partnership, mutual respect, and father. Thirty years ago the idea of a man being a stay-at-home parent was outlandish and considered a joke. Now, however, it is considered a legitimate option for many families and becoming a more frequent choice.

So what does this all mean? The relative freedom to express oneself with authentic body language rather than expected body language has opened up a whole new world of possibilities for men and women alike. Men can display caring, nurturing nonverbal behaviors without putting their masculinity at risk; and women can show assertive, confident body language without abandoning their feminine side.

All of this new freedom is exhilarating, but also creates potential conflict and misunderstanding. For instance, a person might automatically place a hand on a peer's shoulder to express encouragement but the peer might interpret that as an intimate gesture. Or, a person might offer a high five and give a friendly shoulder punch to express happiness but the person on the receiving end might interpret that as a hostile or aggressive behavior.

You'll notice that I didn't specify male or female in these examples, and I did that for a reason. Men and women are equally capable of demonstrating any of these behaviors, either as the sender or the receiver of nonverbal cues. But think for a moment about how each example might be interpreted differently depending on which gender is in which role. The potential combinations and interpretations are numerous and clearly illustrate the challenge of body language differences between men and women.

In general, women are more skilled than men at expressing subtle nonverbal cues. Experts disagree on exactly why this is true, but most agree it has something to do with a woman's preprogrammed characteristics of nurturing and organizing the social environment. Through the use of body language and nonverbal behaviors, a woman can influence others without appearing to do so openly and obviously.

A classic example of this appears in the earliest stages of attraction and courtship. Men usually think they are the initiators when it comes to courtship, but research shows it is the woman who initiates the process over 90 percent of the time. How? By using body language and nonverbal cues. For instance, a combination of eye contact, facial expressions, and body movement and positioning sends a powerful signal from the woman to the selected man that she is interested in him and may be open to meeting and getting to know him. He walks across the room, they speak, and the encounter progresses from there. The man thinks he initiated the contact by walking across the room, but in reality the woman initiated the contact by subtly inviting him to make contact.

Another common illustration of gender differences in sending body language messages is the hug. Men tend to hug briefly, firmly, and confidently, while women tend to hug longer, gently, and with more emotion. This is all fine, of course, but think about the misinterpretations that can occur based on these gender differences. Let's say a man hugs a woman to comfort her when she is feeling sad. From her perspective a proper hug is gentle and lasts for several moments, but from his perspective a proper hug is firm and short in duration. So he gives her a hug, thinking he has offered comfort, and she receives that hug, thinking he doesn't really care that much because his hug was so abrupt.

The same sorts of differences appear when men and women speak to another person about personal or emotional issues. A woman will tend to face the other person, lean forward a bit, and use eye contact and facial expressions to communicate her message. A man, on the other hand, will tend to turn sideways or even separate himself from the other person with a bit of distance. He may also choose to communicate his message while doing something, making it seem more of an add-on to the interaction rather than the focus of the interaction.

Of course, there are exceptions to all of these generalizations, and you probably have experiences that differ a little or a lot from the examples I describe. When it comes to real-life interactions, use these examples as general guidelines to help interpret messages being sent but always give greater weight to individual personalities and characteristics.

It's probably not too surprising that women are generally much better than men at receiving and interpreting body language and nonverbal messages. Research shows very clearly that women are more adept at reading body language, spotting contradictions between verbal and nonverbal messages, and noticing the small details of body language that can reveal so much.

Why do women have these abilities? Experts say it has to do with preprogrammed characteristics designed for child rearing. Infants and toddlers rely almost solely on body language to communicate for the first two years or so, and women as the primary caretakers must be able to read and interpret these messages accurately. This aspect of nature's design can be seen in how men and women differ in the processing of messages inside their brains.

Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) scans of male and female brains reveal a marked difference in how different parts of the brain are used. Women have as many as 16 distinct areas of the brain where they process and interpret the behaviors and messages sent by other people. In contrast, men typically have no more than six distinct areas of the brain where they process and interpret the behaviors and messages sent by other people.

How do these differences show up in real life? Women tend to be better able to multitask and handle several different streams of thought at the same time, while men tend to be better at working through one or two streams of thought at a time before moving on to others. And while women are generally more adept at unconsciously receiving and interpreting nonverbal cues, men are just as capable of reading body language when they learn how to consciously read those signals.

So what are you to do with this information about gender differences in body language sending and receiving? Use it to approach interactions with gender tendencies in mind as guidelines rather than hard-and-fast rules. They are a starting point only; your real-life interactions will range across the full spectrum of gender differences.

Awareness of gender differences can be very helpful when building rapport, establishing trust, or negotiating differences between genders. When men and women use mirroring body language with each other they build rapport and get a better sense of the other person's perspective and attention to nonverbal cues. In a conflict situation, noticing and appreciating gender differences can make all the difference between resolving a conflict positively or allowing resentment and bitterness to linger.

An obvious place where this approach is beneficial is in a marriage or committed relationship. The close nature of this type of relationship means there must be a great deal of trust and understanding between two people if the relationship is to flourish. A man can benefit by paying attention to the unique body language and nonverbal cues of the woman, as can a woman by paying attention to the unique body language and nonverbal cues of the man. Many a couple has experienced conflict and disagreement when one or the other misinterprets or simply misses altogether important nonverbal cues.

Let's say a man typically arrives home first and takes responsibility for making dinner. One day he gets home particularly tired and frustrated after a very difficult day. His body is slumped, his face is tense, and he's hardly talking or making any eye contact. That same day, the woman arrives home feeling excited and fulfilled after a particularly successful day. She has a bounce in her step, her face is relaxed and smiling, and she is eager to talk and share information. She walks into the kitchen and asks in a bright, cheery tone of voice, "Hi honey, what's for dinner?" Of course you can see the conflict barreling down the tracks in this situation if either the man or the woman does not notice or properly interpret each other's nonverbal cues.

In the business environment, gender differences can lead to dramatically different interpretations of the same set of events. Let's say a man and a woman both attend a meeting where the meeting facilitator acts cold, abrupt, and short tempered. The man is likely to brush this behavior off as not important or judge it to be due to a bad mood. The woman, on the other hand, is likely to pick up on the nonverbal cues sent out by the facilitator. She walks up to the man and comments that the facilitator may be experiencing his recurring back pain and that's why he was so abrupt. The man looks at her blankly, wondering how in the world she came to that conclusion.

The woman probably noticed the facilitator moving stiffly, wincing, or otherwise showing body language that indicated pain and discomfort. She knows the facilitator has an ongoing problem with back pain, so this knowledge combined with her interpretation of his body language leads to her conclusion. The man, on the other hand, probably did not notice the body language of the facilitator. He generates his conclusion based on his own experiences of his behavior when he is in a bad mood.

Can you see how gender differences influenced very different interpretations of the same set of events? How might those different interpretations influence the man's and woman's perceptions of each other? Of the facilitator? What action is each person likely to take next? The woman might choose to speak briefly with the facilitator and inquire about how his back feels, while the man might choose instead to avoid the facilitator for the rest of the day to stay out of the line of fire of his bad mood.

You can see, then, how gender differences influence the sending and receiving of nonverbal messages and how awareness of those differences can help you find your way successfully through a variety of situations. Take a few moments to think about a specific situation in your life where you might put this new awareness to good use, and make a conscious decision to put it into action the next time that situation occurs.