There is no overestimating the power of appearance.

Women who are more attractive are perceived by both men and women to be more intelligent, caring, and better at parenting.

Men who are tall possess a big advantage in many ways over men who are not when it comes to competing for the attention of women.

Women are strongly drawn to attractive men, but outside of a one-night stand or short-term sexual relationship, men who are attractive and possess other characteristics of status or dominance are met with unconscious resistance.

A man can be too perfect.

The reason should be obvious.

If the man scores a 10 in too many categories he will have the attention of all the women who are out there looking for the short-term sexual affair but perhaps not the long-term relationship.

Every time you meet someone for the first time your body language communicates volumes about you and provides the other person with the raw materials needed to form an immediate judgment about you. It may not be politically correct and few, if any, people will admit to it in polite society, but the fact remains: Body language speaks louder than words.

In just a few seconds and often before you've spoken a full sentence, others decide if you are friendly, if you are courteous, if you are submissive, and what status should be accorded you, among other things. Let's take a look, then, at what you can do to maximize the positives of the first impressions you make.

If possible, double-check your clothing and general neatness before meeting the other person. You want to appear clean and neat, not sloppy and unkempt. Make firm eye contact and walk up to the other person with confidence.

Smile, say hello, and reach out to shake hands.

Stand about four feet away and turn very slightly sideways (if you face the other person directly that is often interpreted as dominant or competitive). If the two of you choose to sit down, sit up straight (not stiff) and keep an open body posture.

This is, of course, a very general guideline. You can make subtle changes depending on whether you are meeting someone in a business situation, a social situation, or someone of equal status or of some other status. There are literally thousands of variations you might encounter so the most important thing to remember is to be conscious of your body language in first impression situations. Don't operate on autopilot, but instead give some deliberate thought to how you can make the best impression possible in the given situation.

Building rapport is very much like a dance. You and your partner meet in the middle and then negotiate your way through a variety of steps. At some point you agree on a set of steps and start using them to move smoothly wherever you want to go on the dance floor.

Rapport is critical for so many kinds of personal interactions, whether you're meeting with a client, a friend, a stranger, a relative, or anyone else. Real, honest communication can only begin once you and the other person have agreed upon the steps you're going to use and start using them to interact.

The basic idea behind building rapport is to find common ground and shared ideas because let's face it: You would rather interact with someone very much like yourself. This is a natural human desire and something everyone does to one degree or another, but if you learn the key steps to developing rapport you can apply them in nearly any situation.

So what are these key steps? They include the following:

The specific actions you take will vary depending on the situation, but if you stay within these three main categories you'll do well.

Establishing trust expands upon rapport and transforms an interaction to an even higher level of communication. Trust is an integral part of all relationships, and while rapport can be developed in a relatively short time, trust must be developed over a longer length of time.

Trust emerges over time as you clearly demonstrate to each other genuine concern for the other's well-being and the fulfillment of promises and agreements. The components of establishing trust are the same as establishing rapport, but with slightly different nuances and degrees of honesty.

Trust takes longer to establish than rapport, but it can be destroyed much more rapidly. In a romantic relationship, for example, flirting with another person or attempting too much physical contact can damage trust almost immediately. In a business relationship, to give an additional example, you can quickly lose the trust of a client if you don't fulfill a commitment. Friendships are another area where trust is so important, especially among women who tend to share deeper emotions and feelings with each other.

Body language tells you a great deal about the messages another person is sending. Their nonverbal behaviors allow you to compare their words to their body language to help determine truth, honesty, deception, sincerity, enthusiasm, and so on. When you successfully read their body language you can much more accurately evaluate their overall message.

Two nonverbal behaviors are particularly important when reading messages:

Think about this the next time you interact with another person. Pay attention to how body language affects your interpretation of the message. You just might be surprised at how much influence it really has on you.

Just as body language is integral to reading messages from other people, it is also critical to the effectiveness of the messages you send to others. Sometimes your nonverbal behaviors are unconscious, while other times you deliberately choose them in order to influence the sending of a message.

A job interview is a great example of a time when you are acutely aware of your body language and the messages it sends. You walk in the room confidently and reach out to shake hands, you sit up straight at the table, and of course you make good eye contact as you answer questions. However, your inadvertent body language can also show up during a job interview. Your hands might sweat or shake, your voice might quiver, or you may struggle to make good eye contact but instead look down or look away.

Mediators and dispute resolution experts are extremely conscious of their body language when working with other parties. They will make a point of using equal eye contact with each side, showing open body language to both sides, and avoid nodding or head shaking when others are talking. Their body language also sends important messages when a conflict gets heated or intense. A calm voice, relaxed body position, and downward hand gestures can help to diffuse a tense situation.

A great way to spot your own nonverbal behaviors and how they affect your messages is to videotape yourself during an interaction. You should, of course, ask the other person's permission before recording, but most people are happy to agree when you let them know you are working on improving your communication skills. When the interaction is finished, go back and look at the tape, taking notes on your observations. Even better, put the tape away for a few days and then look at it again. You'll probably notice even more the second time around.

Sending Strong Messages that Will Last

This is one of the most important intentional uses of body language and nonverbal communication you will use.

Eventually you'll do it with no awareness.

You're at work (for the purpose of getting stuff done or you'd be at home with people you prefer to be with).

You don't want to be bothered.

Especially by the people who take two hours to say something that takes two minutes.

You can't always say, "Get out of here, can't you see I'm working?"

What to do?

Continue working on your project.

Look at your computer screen.

Don't lift your eyes away from the screen except to compare notes with documents on your desk.

Look angry.

Look intense.

Make all of your movements sharp (as opposed to easy, calm, and relaxed).

Look like you could kill the idiot who caused this.

(Continue working.)

No one will come near you.

And that's what you want and need.

Privacy and the ability to think while you work without distraction.

Your question: "What if they don't get it and come in anyway?"

Good question.

As they walk in the door, continue to scroll down on the screen on your computer.

Look at a document down and to the right.

Continue to look intense and angry.

Raise the tensed index finger of your left hand slowly up and away from your body toward the person entering your office.

Look back to the computer screen.

Hold your finger in suspended animation.

Shake your head.

Say, "idiots."

Slowly lower your index finger and as you do, slowly move your gaze to the person, not changing the expression on your face.

"Idiots. Hi John, what can I do for you?"

Keep the angry and intense look on your face.

Glare right into John's eyes.

Say nothing else.

Hold this position.

John will say one to three sentences if not, "I'll come back later."

Your time at work is something you probably don't cherish.

You probably would rather be with your spouse or children or at the club.

Always be kind to your coworkers, but feel free to be angry toward that computer screen.

The role of body language in deception is the subject of a great deal of research and investigation. It is not only valuable in terms of interpersonal relationships but also has very practical applications in society, too. Lie detectors are a good example of how body language can be measured to help indicate degrees of deception.

Some nonverbal behaviors are obvious and common indicators of deception such as darting eyes, exaggerated facial expressions, or shifting weight back and forth. Others are not so obvious and require close attention to spot. If you've ever played poker you probably know what I mean by this. Poker is at its heart a game of deception and most players have nonverbal cues that reveal when they are bluffing. Professionals call these cues "tells" and go to great lengths to read those of others while hiding their own.

Children have an especially hard time keeping their body language under control when attempting to deceive someone because they have not had enough life experience to develop that control. Most parents can tell immediately when a child is attempting deception by a combination of their words and their body language. They tend to look down and avoid eye contact or sometimes make excessive eye contact and try very hard to convince you of their earnestness. A child might have trouble sitting or standing still during deception, and those with really tender hearts may break down sobbing right in the middle and admit what they were really trying to do.

This is a part of body language that you know and use automatically and without thinking, in most cases. It is preprogrammed into human beings as a way to promote bonding and family groups. In the modern world, our nonverbal behaviors to show affection are just as important and just as critical to our lives.

Affectionate body language includes touching, leaning in, making body contact with a shoulder or arm, tilting the head down and looking upwards, facial expressions, and drawing the object of affection in closer. This is just a short list; there are many other nonverbal signs of affection both deliberate and spontaneous.

Let's look at just one of these in more detail—touching. Now, you probably touch other people several times a day but many of those contacts are not designed to convey affection. Perhaps you tap someone on the shoulder to get their attention or bump into someone when sitting down on the bus or train. What is it, then, that makes touch change from neutral to affectionate?

Intent. Your intent when touching is an underlying factor in showing affection. If you want to show affection then you will look for ways to touch another person in gentle ways, in friendly ways, and often in ways that linger just a moment or two longer than is necessary. Playfulness is also a sign of affectionate intent, such as when a woman gently elbows a man with whom she is flirting or a man finds an excuse to put his arm around a woman.

Firmness. A firm touch conveys a completely different message than a soft, gentle touch. Placing a hand on a shoulder and resting it lightly can be a sign of affection as can gently touching or holding another person's hand. In general, the lighter and smoother a touch is, the more likely it is to be intended and interpreted as affection.

Duration. The duration of touch is a powerful indicator of affection. If a touch lasts longer than normal for a particular circumstance or situation, affection is a likely interpretation. You might shake hands and let the clasp continue for a few seconds longer than normal, or you might rest your hand on the other person's arm as you lean in to look at something they want to show you.

Body language is a powerful part of expressing anger. You might look at another person with daggers in your eyes, scowl darkly, move closer with your body, stand up straighter and taller with your chest out, or shake your fist vigorously. All of these are nonverbal behaviors that clearly communicate to another person that you are angry.

When you are angry at another person your body language is generally directed at that person. You turn to look at them, you walk toward them, you point at them, and so forth. But what about when you are angry with yourself, a situation, an occurrence, or something other than another person? In these situations your body language probably changes a bit, both consciously and subconsciously. You may grind your teeth together, clench and unclench your fists, purse your lips, bounce your foot, breathe loudly or more frequently, or change your facial expression.

Let's again look at just one of these in more detail—facial expression. Your face is truly a window into your emotions and your messages, sometimes deliberately and sometimes spontaneously. You might scowl in mock anger to make a point, or clench your teeth and smile at the same time to express anger in a more humorous way. The parts of your face work together and interact with each other to communicate anger to others.

Mouth. Your mouth shows anger by tensing up. Your lips may press firmly together, for instance, or you might curl up one side of your mouth in a sneer. Another common mouth behavior is to push your chin forward and purse your lips together and slightly outward.

Eyes/Eyebrows. Eyes express anger spontaneously by contracting the pupils. You may also squint slightly to make your eyes appear smaller and more menacing. Eyebrows that are furrowed, drawn together, or creating vertical lines in the forehead also express anger.

Facial Muscles. Your face has 22 muscles on each side, all of which interact to express different information about your mood and your emotions. In general, your facial muscles will become tense and hard when you are angry as opposed to relaxed and soft when you are happy.

Body language and nonverbal behaviors communicate intimacy as well as foster intimacy. A woman who brushes her hand against another communicates a feeling of intimacy, while a leader who sets up chairs in a circle rather than around a table fosters intimacy within a group of people.

People often associate intimacy with sexuality, probably because the word "intimate" is frequently used as a polite euphemism for sex. True intimacy, however, does not have to be sexual and, in fact, is more often not sexual at all. The Encarta dictionary lists several other meanings for intimacy, including:

It's worth noting that these four meanings are listed ahead of sex, offering a powerful insight into the broad scope and nature of intimacy. Let's look at how body language can communicate each of these types of intimacy.

A close personal relationship: sitting close together, leaning in toward each other, friendly and relaxed facial expressions and gestures.

A quiet and private atmosphere: open body posture, relaxed body position, slow and smooth movements, smiling, and quiet tone of voice.

Detailed knowledge due to close or long association or study: confident movements, giving firm direction through pushing or pulling on an arm, sitting close together, listening and nodding.

A private or personal action or statement: listening and nodding, leaning in close to speak, focused eye contact, gentle touch on the hand or arm.

Do you see yourself in any of these descriptions? How do you use body language and nonverbal behaviors in each of these situations? If you're not sure, pay attention to yourself the next time you have an interaction such as these and notice how your body language communicates and contributes to a sense of intimacy.

Research in the real world combined with the solid data available online will give you a clear picture of what women want—and it's almost all nonverbal.

Most of the data in this section of the book is derived from the MIT Sloan School of Management.

The impact of attractiveness is powerful.

Research of online dating web sites uncovers some sobering realities:

Attractiveness

Men in the top 5 percent of attractiveness receive twice as many first contacts as the next 5 percent of attractiveness. Some women may truly believe looks don't matter to them ... but they do.

Men in the fourth decile get twice as many first contacts as those in the lowest decile.

The same is true for women.

Height

Men in the 6′3″-6′4″ category receive two-thirds more first contact e-mail than men in the 5′7″-5′9″ category.

Women in the 5′3″-5′8″ range receive the most first contact e-mail, and it goes down sharply as the woman gets taller.

Weight

When it comes to how much body weight is on that frame (how thin or obese someone is), we find some surprises and some expectations met.

Men whose body mass index (BMI) is 27 (slightly overweight but not by much, get the most first contact e-mail. Women whose BMI is 17 get the most first contact e-mail. Supermodels have BMIs of 17.

The woman with a BMI of 25 gets half the first contact e-mail of one whose BMI is 17.

Hair

As far as hair color, blondes do receive a bit more first contact e-mail then do brown-haired women. Women with gray and salt-and-pepper hair receive much less first contact e-mail.

Men with long curly hair get significantly less first contact e-mail than those with straight, medium-length hair.

For women?

Long, straight hair gets more first contact e-mail than does short hair.

Ethnicity

Thirty-eight percent of women prefer to meet someone in their own ethnic background. Only 18 percent of men express such a preference.

African-American and Hispanic men get only half as many first-contact e-mails from Caucasian women as do Caucasian men; Asian men get only about one-quarter as many.

An African-American man in the United States must earn $154,000 more than a Caucasian man to receive the same number of contacts as a Caucasian man. Hispanic men are required to earn $77,000 more than Caucasian men for the same number of first contacts and Asian-American men must earn $247,000 more than Caucasian men to get the same amount of first contact e-mail.

The income compensation experiment didn't work for women, because men aren't as interested in that variable in mate seeking. An African-American woman would need to be an 8 out of 10 in attractiveness to be as successful with Caucasian men as a 5 out of 10 Caucasian woman.

Trading Height for Money

Using a 5′11″ man with a $62,500 income and in the 40 to 50 percent decile of attractiveness as a baseline, here are the adjustments in annual income and height that are required by women in the top half of attractiveness.

5′0″= $317,000

5′2″= $269,000

5′4″= $221,000

5′6″= $175,000

5′8″= $138,000

5′10″= $24,000

6′0″= -$28,000

6′2″= -$30,000

6′4″= -$51,000

6′6″= -$63,000

6′10″= -$63,000

We now know that there is indeed a looks/income trade-off as well that women consider.

If an average-looking man wants to have a woman in the top 10 percent of attractiveness, he will need to earn $186,000 more per year than his friend who ranks 9.5 (out of 10) in attractiveness and earns $62,500.

The amount of money a woman makes is not important to a man when looking for a mate.

Does Anything Else Matter?

Yes.

Women who walk with those swaying Marilyn Monroe hips increase their perceived physical attractiveness by about 50 percent.

Men who walk with a swagger in their step can double (yes double) their attractiveness to women.

A little movement can go a long way!

Problem: When you're seated ...

You can use body language as an extremely powerful and visible sign of separation from someone or something else. It is a clear way to distance yourself from something that's uncomfortable for you, meets with your disapproval, or violates your personal code of conduct.

For instance, if you are in a group of people and one member of the group speaks too loudly, says something insulting, or otherwise creates a scene, your body language might include looking away, a frowning facial expression, leaning back away from the person, taking a step or two away, or even turning your back to that person.

Couples use body language to show they are linked to each other, and they also use body language to show when that link has been dissolved. They may turn away from each other when in a group of people or make a point of walking on opposite sides of the hallway from each other. Eye contact may be brief or avoided entirely. All of these nonverbal cues communicate to each other and to the rest of the world that they are no longer a couple and do not wish to be perceived as linked together.

Teenagers are experts at using body language to show separation from their parents. They roll their eyes, they turn their backs, and they walk several feet away from their parents in the mall or on the street. When a parent says something, teens may shrug to show disinterest or disagreement as a way to demonstrate they are separate from their parent.