Your core values are your fundamental beliefs as a person. They also can guide your decision making. In Chapter 2, we went over how biases can play a role into the choices you make. Now, I want you to be intentional and use your core values, instead of your biases, to make decisions. You will develop your own personal code of conduct, which will allow you to become your most authentic self. Think of Superman. No matter what setting he's in, he is guided by Truth, Justice, and what he believes to be the American Way. Here's an alien who, orphaned, found himself brought in by an unsuspecting couple in Kansas. As he grew older and learned about himself and the world, he realized he had superpowers that his earthly neighbors weren't gifted with. But instead of deciding to be a dictator, he decided to use his power for good.

Why?

He certainly didn't have to do good. In fact, one could argue that it's a burden to do be Earth's savior—but he chose to fight for humanity anyway.

He did this because of his core values and what he believed to be right, and this has seen him saving good and morally bankrupt people alike. He lived in accordance with his core values. My question for you all today is this: Do you live in accordance with your core values or outside them?

We are currently at an inflection point in the world today where we need to decide who we are and who we want to be. The gap between who we are and who we want to be is what our lives are all about. The way we get to become the person we want to become is through understanding our personal core values. Core values inform our drive, motivations, and what is important to us; without drive or motivation, there is no action. And no action means no actual connection. Much like your biases, your values can operate on autopilot. Your core values are essentially your heart and soul. Think of your core values as your compass: they are the essence of your character.

I find that core values don't matter unless you're living them and if you're living them, they should be consistent with the person you want to become. Carl Jung once said, “You are what you do, not what you say you'll do,” and he couldn't be more right. A lot of the disconnect we see today is because people aren't consistently living out their values.

I believe a lot of people in the world currently live outside of their core values because we have let the fear of being rejected, ostracized, or singled out overtake our desire to do what we feel is right. What happens in the process is that our curiosity has gotten stifled, and when our curiosity gets stifles, our brains only act on what makes them feel comfortable, which ultimately becomes habit for us.

Now that we know why core values matter, let's go over how you can articulate them.

Articulating Your Core Values

In order to understand your core values, you need to do a deep dive into the pivotal moments in your life and your favorite characters. List all the significant moments in your life up to this point and for each moment, describe what was happening, what values you were honoring then, or what values you wish you were honoring then.

The second way to articulate your core values is to look at your favorite characters (fictional and/or nonfictional). I started this chapter talking about Superman; I did that because he is my favorite superhero and someone I have identified with since I was a kid. My moving around all over the world often made me feel like an alien and an immigrant. I often wondered which part of my identity to reveal, because I related to a lot of things. At the same time, I also wanted to do something bigger than myself and speak up for others—so when I came across Superman's comics, I thought I was looking at a mirror image, because Superman also believed in the best of humanity despite living in a cynical world.

I identified with his desire to do the right thing, even when it was difficult, as much as I related to Nelson Mandela's values of equality, courage, and service and Oprah Winfrey's values of perseverance, generosity, and spirituality.

Knowing why you admire the people you do gives you insight into your core values.

Between the two exercises, you should have a pretty extensive list of values. Group all these core values together into related themes. After you have grouped these values together, cut your list down to your five values. Underneath each value, write out why it is one of your core values and how it makes you who you are. Then list out a series of action steps that outline how you will live out your values on a daily basis.

If you need any help picking out a list of values, feel free to use the following samples as a guideline to naming some.

A

• Abundance, Acceptance, Accountability, Achievement, Advancement, Adventure, Advocacy, Agency, Ambition, Appreciation, Assertiveness, Attractiveness, Authenticity, Autonomy

B

• Balance, Belongingness, Benevolence, Beauty, Boldness, Brilliance

C

• Calmness, Caring, Challenge, Charity, Cheerfulness, Cleverness, Community, Commitment, Compassion, Conformity, Cooperation, Collaboration, Connection, Consistency, Continuous learning, Contribution, Courage, Creativity, Credibility, Curiosity

D

• Daring, Decisiveness, Dedication, Dependability, Diligence, Discipline, Diversity

E

• Efficiency, Empathy, Encouragement, Enthusiasm, Equality, Ethics, Excellence, Excitement, Expertise, Exploration, Expressiveness

F

• Fairness, Family, Fitness, Friendship, Flexibility, Forgiveness, Freedom, Fun

G

• Generosity, Grace, Gratitude, Growth

H

• Hard work, Happiness, Health, Honesty, Hospitality, Humility, Humor

I

• Impact, Inclusiveness, Independence, Individuality, Innovation, Inspiration, Integrity, Intelligence, Intimacy, Intuition

J

• Joy, Justice

K

• Kindness, Knowledge

L

• Leadership, Learning, Love, Loyalty

M

• Making a difference, Mindfulness, Motivation

N

• Neatness, Nurturing

O

• Optimism, Open-mindedness, Order, Originality

P

• Passion, Patience, Performance, Perseverance, Persistence, Personal development, Peace, Perfection, Playfulness, Pleasure, Popularity, Power, Professionalism, Preparedness, Proactivity, Professionalism, Punctuality

Q

• Quality

R

• Recognition, Reciprocity, Relationships, Reliability, Resilience, Resourcefulness, Respect, Responsibility, Responsiveness, Risk taking, Romance

S

• Safety, Security, Self-actualization, Self-care, Self-control, Selflessness, Sensuality, Serenity, Sexuality, Service, Simplicity, Skillfulness, Speed, Spirituality, Spontaneity, Stability, Strength, Success, Supportiveness

T

• Teamwork, Thankfulness, Thoughtfulness, Traditionalism, Trustworthiness

U

• Understanding, Uniqueness, Usefulness

V

• Valor, Versatility, Virtue, Vision, Vitality

W

• Warmth, Wealth, Well-being, Wisdom, Work-life balance

Z

• Zeal

These regular check-ins also allow you to make sure you're living in alignment with your core values, which ultimately allows you to live a life of awareness. It is important to note that as you grow and experience new things, your values will change, so I encourage you to regularly check in with your top five values and see if they need updating or realignment.

A good example of values changing as a result of environment is Derek Black, who was a former white nationalist. His father founded one of the largest racist websites, called stormfront. His godfather is David Duke, who was a Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. Derek's experiences and values started to change as he headed off to college and experienced the world through other people's lenses. He was forced to look inward and confront his core values and biases. Through that experience, he realized that he wasn't actually living in accordance with his values, and he made the decision to change that.

How Our Biases and Values Help Us Connect

Reflecting on both our biases and our core values are necessary habits to cultivate if we are going to make progress in connecting. They also help you maintain your sense of individuality while fostering your curiosity.

When you're more aware of who you are, you're less subject to your unconsciousness taking over. This helps you to avoid knee-jerk reactions, which can reveal our darker sides or our shadow sides.

Darker versions of ourselves appear when we don't live in accordance with our values. Our shadow sides are the sides of our personalities with aspects of ourselves that we don't like admitting to having. The more we adhere to our value systems, the better we become at setting boundaries and building connections. When we can't tell better stories of ourselves, our worse instincts take over because we externalize and project what we are not comfortable with.

It's important to realize that we are all flawed, because the more we accept ourselves as flawed, the more we'll be able to connect to others. Although we become more aware of our darker sides, let's not dwell on them. The Dalai Lama says in his book An Appeal to the World that the primary causes of war and violence are our negative emotions. He says we give too much space to them and too little space to our intellects and our compassion.

Our brains are neuroplastic. Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. This means that your brain can adapt. It will take intense focus but it is possible, and it happens every day. As you seek to improve your self-awareness, think about the words of Mahatma Gandhi: “Your words become your actions, Your actions become your habits, Your habits become your values, Your values become your destiny.”

I'd like us to commit to living out our core values. I can't help but wonder what would happen if we regularly reflected on our actions and how they align with our values. Would you be happy with yourself?

The Role of Emotional Intelligence

I want to pause here to talk about emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence (EI) or emotional quotient (EQ) is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions and those of the people around you. People with a high degree of emotional intelligence know what they're feeling, what their emotions mean, and how these emotions can affect other people.

According to Daniel Goleman, an American psychologist who helped to popularize emotional intelligence, there are five key elements to emotional intelligence:

1. Self-awareness: the ability to accurately recognize your emotions, strengths, moods, actions, and how these affect others around you.
2. Self-regulation: the ability to control your impulses, the ability to think before you speak/react, and the ability to express yourself appropriately.
3. Motivation: the drive and interest in learning and self-improvement. This typically involves goal-setting and follow-through.
4. Empathy: the ability to understand other peoples' emotions and reactions.
5. Social skills: the ability to pick up on social cues, maintain relationships, and find common ground with others.

The good news is that emotional intelligence can be learned and developed over time. You might feel uncomfortable at first but with practice and dedication, using it becomes a habit. It is essentially broken up into two components:

1. The capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions (which we have just reviewed).
2. The capacity to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically (which we discuss next).