Chapter 9

Life-Altering Principle #3

The Sufficiency Theory

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not.

Remember that what you now have was

once among the things you only hoped for.

—Epicurus

Many in the Western world are on a misguided mission of searching for the latest, greatest, shiniest, most desired pieces of crap that money can buy. Others won't rest until they have the biggest house, fanciest car, and largest bank account. Then the day comes when they attain what they've been pursuing. And what happens? Satisfaction and contentment kick in for a short while and then they begin the quest for the next item that is sure to provide fulfillment.

We've been programmed to believe that what we have is never good enough and we should constantly be striving for more. There's a destructive cultural correlation between the quality of our “things” and the quality of our lives. Yes, it's natural and healthy to want to better yourself. But our obsession with material possessions stems from Madison Avenue's advertising wizards, who adroitly lead us to define our sense of self by what we own.

That may be good for our economy. However, this mentality of dissatisfaction often carries over to our personal lives. Continually looking outside of yourself for your self-worth keeps you from getting in touch with your true needs and eliminates the possibility of generating happiness from within. Striving for external gratification prevents you from maintaining a feeling of contentment that stems from who you are and what you do.

The Sufficiency Theory exalts a way of life based on patience, perseverance, diligence, wisdom, moderation, and reasonableness. In other words, desire less and be less reliant on others. There's a direct relationship between self-reliance and achieving harmony and balance. By eliminating outside influences, you gain the power to leverage this powerful dynamic and reclaim your life.

The Sufficiency Theory is the principle of attaining satisfaction, peace, and contentment by minimizing material desires and the effect of outside influences.

The Utopian Myth

Many people operate on the belief that when they finally own X, make X amount of money, or have accomplished X as a career goal, they'll give themselves permission to take on certain activities that they expect will make them feel amazing. The result of this mind-set is they continually live for tomorrow without ever fully enjoying today.

Think back on your life. Have you ever drawn a line in the sand and said, “When I get to this point, everything I need will be perfectly in place and then I can really start living?” When you were 18, did you think to yourself, “If I can just get into the right college, my life will be perfect?” After you landed your first job, did you think to yourself, “I'll work really hard, and after I have X number of dollars in the bank I'll really be able to enjoy life?”

If so, when you finally reached that magical line, how often did you scratch it out and create another line further down the path? That's how most people in our Western world live. Our journey typically goes like this:

One of the key problems with this process is that we're always looking for external things—riches, fame, awards, validation—to provide internal satisfaction. Happiness is treated as some sort of destination that can be reached by attaining select milestones. And until that happens, we don't even try for pure, unabashed joy…or attempt to live out our heart's desire.

Beyond having enough to sustain your life, having X number of dollars or X possessions means very little. However, your internal dialogue associated with these things means a great deal. You can choose to give them power over your life, or you can own your happiness. You can choose to live within a state of satisfaction and contentment, or in a constant state of pause.

Here's the wake-up call: There's no magical place for you to reach at the end of your journey. Nothing incredible will happen when you achieve all of your objectives.

The utopia at the end of the rainbow—with flowing streams, beautiful people, a pot of gold, and eternal happiness—is a myth.

To put this in perspective, imagine you want to get married. Each time you go on a date, you hide your true self because you don't want to expose the real you until you've been hitched. So on a date you're rude, say hurtful things, and are all-around bad company. When questioned about your conduct, you respond: “Don't worry, this isn't the real me. After we get married, I promise I'll be exactly the type of person you're hoping for.” Needless to say, you have few second dates. No one wants to stick around to see who the real you actually is.

A second example comes from my presentations for job seekers. I speak extensively to people in transition, as my heart breaks for those who are finding it difficult to land on their feet. Part of my process includes asking attendees to provide adjectives that describe how they're feeling while out of work. Words such as afraid, depressed, unworthy, embarrassed, ashamed, angry, disappointed, and disconnected are commonly used. I then draw a line in the center of a whiteboard and place these words on the left-hand side:

Next, I ask them to describe what happens to these emotions after they land a job. In other words, what does afraid become? What does depressed become? I then write their responses on the right side of the whiteboard:

I then ask how an interview might go if they enter the room carrying the burden of the emotions represented by the left side of the board. Most will say “not well,” “there's no way you'd be hired,” or something similar. I follow by asking how the interview might go if they enter the room with the lightness of the right side of the board lifting their spirit. Most respond “very well” and “odds are good of landing the job.”

Pausing for a moment, I then ask what it costs to shift their state of mind to living the right column on a consistent basis. Someone always nails the answer—NOTHING. And what does it cost to remain in their current state of mind represented by the left side of the board? EVERYTHING.

Shifting from the left side of the board to the right costs you absolutely nothing, while not doing so costs you everything. This is an investment worth making.

This scenario is consistent with typical behavior. We deny ourselves the benefit of the personality we believe we'd display until we reach the arbitrary lines we've created.

If you live your life hoping that something miraculous will happen, what is this process of postponement costing you? What are you not doing that you otherwise would? Recognizing that the destination is the road and that the journey is the destination spells the difference between living in a permanent state of anticipation and living in a way that creates continuous satisfaction.

Being on the road is itself the victory. You've won. Don't pine for something in the future. Relax and enjoy the ride. You are exactly where you're supposed to be.

The Sufficiency Paradigm Shift

In order to truly enjoy the journey, you must reverse the way people typically pursue their objectives. I recommend the process described in the next three sections.

Feel Content by Imagining You've Achieved Your Goals

The first step is to feel peace and contentment by imagining that you've already achieved your objectives.

Whatever you've convinced yourself you'll feel once you accomplish certain goals is the way you must start feeling from today on. This shift will powerfully enable you to achieve your objectives from a foundation of happiness.

For example, if you believe X number of dollars in the bank will fulfill you, I want you to imagine what having the money would feel like—and then create that state of mind for yourself right now. (Those who practice the Law of Attraction employ a similar approach.)

What would your posture be like? How often would you smile? How deeply would you breathe? How would you treat others? What activities would you pursue? Whatever your answers, adjust your current behavior to match them.

I want you to begin, this very moment, to live out the physiological results of achieving your goals, and start to feel the emotions you've been putting off for the future.

Obviously, you must deal with the constraints of reality. If traveling around the world is one of your objectives and you have $25 to your name, that's not an activity you can pursue right away. However, it costs you nothing to try to feel as if you've already traveled the world and to let that feeling of accomplishment be the foundation on which you operate.

Do Things Aligned with Who You Want to Become

The second step is to engage in activities that support the way you want to be.

Once you start operating with a positive attitude of accomplishment and a strong sense of self, amazing things happen. The choices you make and the activities you undertake will be markedly different from the way you used to live, and people will pick up on your aura of success, increasing your chances of achieving genuine success.

Further, you'll free yourself from the pressure of meeting certain objectives before you can feel and act in ways that are most natural for you. In other words, you're giving yourself permission to be who you really are.

Reach Your Goals

The third step is to achieve your objectives.

By feeling and acting like you've already succeeded, you inevitably will succeed…and sooner rather than later.

This three-step process is the polar opposite of the way we've been trained to achieve our objectives. However, it's much more effective.

In fact, many experts suggest you envision the end result you desire to help achieve it. Jim Carrey wrote himself a multimillion-dollar check for “Acting Services Rendered” and kept it in his wallet as a reminder of his goals long before he ever got his first big break. He envisioned what he wanted, and he knew that one day he'd be rewarded for his talents at his desired level of compensation.

The Sufficiency Theory is similar in approach. However, when you simply envision an outcome, you're putting off your feelings of fulfillment and contentment until the objective is met. The Sufficiency Theory doesn't stop at asking you to envision your goal; it asks you to live as if you've already achieved it…and to use that sense of being victorious as fuel for propelling you on your journey.

An Example of the Sufficiency Paradigm Shift

Putting The Sufficiency Theory into practice may be hard to imagine, so here's an example of the process in action.

Desired objective and outcome: Have a baby and then we'll be a happy family!

For a family trained to think conventionally, the process might look something like this:

Is it clear how the typical process continually breeds discontent? When you're always looking outside of yourself for other people, places, or things to bring you joy, you'll never be happy for long. In order to live a life filled with sufficiency, you must begin to accept and love who you are and what you have.

Now let's look at how the same situation is handled under The Sufficiency Theory:

Desired objective and outcome: Have a baby and then we'll be a happy family!

Accepting the Sufficiency paradigm shift requires a substantial commitment because we're so used to expecting our peace and contentment to come from outside of ourselves.

I encourage you to start with your most important relationship—be it your spouse, your child, a parent, a sibling, or a best friend. Look at your relationship from a place of peace and contentment.

If you want to be happy with your spouse, as Dr. Laura Schlessinger says, “start now by becoming the kind of partner you'd want to come home to.” Give the one you love a massage, cook dinner, encourage your spouse to take a long bubble bath, or pick up the dry cleaning. Whatever it is you know the love of your life wants, do it.

The idea is to shift your approach from waiting for certain things to happen, to feeling and acting in that manner now and enjoying this positive state of mind. You'll be amazed at how often this results in achieving your desired objective.

Don't get me wrong: this will take a consistent effort on your part.

If you've been rude to your spouse for 20 years, you're going to get a funny look when you offer to rub her feet. Stick with it.

Tell your spouse about the depth of your love and that you want your relationship to clearly reflect it. You got married for better or worse. Make it for the better. Envision what the relationship should ideally be for the both of you, and then go out and create it. This process will work effectively in every aspect of your life.

There's a restaurant in Chicago named Ed Debevic's that's famous for the way its servers interact with its customers. They have fun, putting themselves fully into their work. Almost anywhere else in the world they'd be just servers. At this restaurant, they're performers. It's all about perspective.

To be clear, The Sufficiency Theory isn't advocating complacency in any aspect of your life. By no means am I suggesting you sit in a dead-end job or maintain a relationship that isn't working. I am, however, imploring you to implement The Sufficiency Theory before you throw in the towel.

Realigning your perspective doesn't mean denying yourself your objectives. On the contrary, living as if you've already achieved your goals vastly increases your chances of reaching them.

You have the power. Your happiness, or your misery, is yours to control. Put The Sufficiency Theory to work and your life will forever benefit. Just remember:

The destination is the road. The journey is the destination.

Life-Altering Principle #3: The Sufficiency Theory—Takeaways

• Striving for external gratification prevents you from maintaining a feeling of contentment derived from who you are and what you do.
• Stop drawing lines in the sand. Happiness is not a destination that can be reached by attaining select milestones.
• Sufficiency doesn't translate to complacency, nor does it mean denying yourself your objectives.
• Shift your approach from waiting for certain things to happen in order to feel a certain way to feeling and acting that way now. Surprisingly often, this will spur the results you desire to happen.
• It costs you nothing to shift from the left side of the board to the right, while not doing so costs you everything.
• The destination is the road. The journey is the destination.
• You are exactly where you're supposed to be.

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