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Your Toolkit for Reading Body Language
This chapter is your quick and handy reference guide to my five-step body language and deception-detecting program. Practice it and use it!
You Are Not a Mind Reader
Prepare yourself for success, and don’t fall victim to the myths about body language.
• Remember to use my rule of three for detecting deceptive tells: baseline, look for clusters, and be aware of context.
• Overcome inattentional blindness. We don’t see what we don’t expect to see; so before you begin to read body language, whether is it to build rapport, mirror personality traits, or detect deception, you must rid yourself of all biases, prejudices, or assumptions. If you assume anything, you will unconsciously turn your assumptions into a false reality.
• How many times have you lost something and you can’t find it for days because you keep looking for it where you assumed it would be? Or how many times has your tempered flared with your significant other because you were assuming he or she was up to no good? Gather the facts and evidence first, without the assumptions; assumptions will mislead you and blind you to the truth. Also, try to be more trusting of others; if you automatically don’t trust anyone, you will see deceptive behavior everywhere, even in truthful people.
Lying 101
Three types of lies: false statement, embellishment, and lies by omission.
Two types of liars: imploders (everyday liars) and exploders (powerful liars).
The four secrets to being a good liar:
1. Remain confident.
2. The devil is in the details: details are the death of a lie.
3. Plan and prepare.
4. Exhibit congruence in your body language.
My Five-Step Process for Reading Body Language: Be a Body-Language Expert; Be a REBLE
1. R is for relax
Remember: If you feel stupid, you look stupid. Confidence doesn’t come from knowing everything and always being right; it comes from learning from our mistakes when we are wrong.
• Take a power pose and a belly breath. Here are your power poses for looking and feeling confident:
• Stand like Superman or Wonder Woman.
• Steeple (basketball, low, high, and handgun).
• Sit in the José pose.
• Assume the gorilla pose.
• Use Hitler hands (as a last resort only).
• Show your thumbs of power.
• Do a hand- or headstand.
2. E is for establish rapport
10 rapport-building techniques:
1. Smile.
2. Use touch, carefully.
3. Share something about yourself (quid pro quo).
4. Mirror and match, cautiously.
5. Respect others.
6. Use open body language.
7. Suspend your ego.
8. Flatter and praise.
9. Take your time and listen.
10. Get the person talking and moving.
Five tips for enhanced communication skills:
1. Manage your emotions; sometimes we are speaking to the role not the person, so don’t take it personally.
2. Agree to disagree.
3. Be aware.
4. Favorably influence people.
5. Don’t be afraid to let them teach you.
Personality preferences: Talk and act like others to make them feel more comfortable. Mirror and match personality preferences.
• The Extravert vs. the Introvert dichotomy tells us how we prefer to get energized. Extraverts get energized by being around activity and other people; Introverts get energized by being by themselves or with a few close friends in a quiet environment.
• The INtuitive vs. the Sensor dichotomy is how we prefer to take in information. INtuitives like to take on a task by conceptualizing and seeing the big-picture outcome first; then they break down the processes and tasks they need to get there. Sensors prefer to create rules and processes first, which take them to the concept of the project they have been assigned.
• The Thinker vs. the Feeler dichotomy tells us how we prefer to make decisions. If you know you are making a decision as a Thinker and the outcome may upset others, you will have to make sure you use a few rapport techniques when informing those affected by your decision so you are not perceived as indifferent, insensitive, or unfeeling.
• The Judger vs. the Perceiver dichotomy is all about how we prefer to organize the world around us. Judgers like to get things done on schedule and like closure. They work best with deadlines and guidelines. Unlike Judgers, Perceivers will wait until the last minute to make a decision; they like to keep their options open. They are open to ideas and changes and because of this, they are more flexible than the more rigid Judgers.
3. B is for baseline
Baseline people by talking to them for a few minutes to see how they normally act and sound. Make sure you baseline while they are relaxed and calm. Then ask pertinent questions or switch to an important topic and watch for deviations in their baseline behavior. Make sure to look for clusters of tells (at least three) and understand the context in which the information is being delivered (that is, is the person sick, scared, in shock, on medications, suffering from a physical or mental aliment, and so on).
4. L is for look for deviations
Observing the body for behavioral incongruence:
1. Human emotions and facial leakage: The seven basic human emotions are: anger, fear, disgust, surprise, happiness, sadness, and contempt. Look for micro-expressions (facial leakage) such as duping delight.
2. The head: Look for behavioral incongruence when a person says yes or no. Does the body match up with the words?
3. Lying eyes:
• Eye contact: Some liars will give you a hard stare; others will look shifty and break eye contact. Both can be indicators of deception.
• Rapid eye blinking is a physiological response to the body drying out from stress and anxiety.
• A prolonged eye blink can indicate a strong emotion, concentration, and/or deception.
• Use NLP and Grinder and Bandler’s eye accessing cue chart:
– Looking up is accessing the visual sense, either to recall information (up and to the left) or create/construct information (up and to the right).
– Looking at about ear level is accessing the auditory sense to recall information (to the left) or create/construct information (up and to the right).
– Looking down and to the left is accessing the kinesthetic senses, feelings both recalled and constructed; down and to the right is engaging in an internal dialogue.
• With NLP you must look for patterns in eye movements and establish a baseline before you can use it as a tool to detect deception. To baseline someone quickly, ask, “What is the fifth word in the ‘Star Spangled Banner’?”
4. The mouth: Swallowing hard is a physiological response to the body drying out from stress and anxiety. The lips get thin and even disappear when people are uncomfortable and angry.
5. The hands:
• Hiding hands hides the emotions.
• Closed palms can indicate untrustworthiness, or the fact that someone is keeping something, an emotion or a thought, to him- or herself.
• Hand to head (face, neck, top of head) usually indicates high stress and untrustworthiness.
• Hand to mouth can indicate disapproval, deep thought, an internal dialogue, or deception.
• Hand to chin can indicate power, boredom, or contemplation.
• Hand to neck can indicate tension in the muscles—“you are a pain in my neck”—or deception.
• Head scratching can indicate deep thought, confusion, or disbelief.
6. The six signs of uncertainty:
1. Shoulder shrug.
2. Balling up.
3. The fig leaf.
4. Self-preening (using self-pacifiers).
5. Stepping back.
6. The body shift.
7. The Pinocchio effect: An itchy nose can be a sign of deception.
5. E is for extract the truth
The four steps for extracting the truth:
Step 1: Timeline events: Use the timelining technique to gather all details and break apart a cover story.
Step 2: Look for verbal hot spots/deceptive tells:
1. Pronoun usage for distancing (no “I” or “my”).
2. Verb tense changes.
3. Non-contracted denials (“I did not have sexual relations with that woman…”).
4. Cannot say yes or no/dodges the question.
5. Never is not no.
6. Stalling techniques: answering a question with a question, repeating a question back, using filler words.
7. Hedging statements, such as the “but syndrome,” the oath hedge, and “actually.”
8. Distancing language.
9. Softening language.
10. Text bridges.
Step 3: Use “pride and ego up”: Tell people how honest and truthful they are so they will be honest and truthful with you.
Step 4: Ask good questions:
1. Ask a narrative question to get a narrative response.
2. Ask yes-or-no questions, cautiously.
3. Ask “Really?”
4. Ask “How did that make you feel?”
5. Ask follow-up questions to fully exploit information.
6. Ask a repeat question.
7. Ask a control question.
8. Ask non-pertinent questions.
1. Leading questions.
2. Compound questions.
3. Vague questions.