Giving and taking criticism: how to manage criticism

Who wants to listen to criticism? It usually hurts. In fact, the words you might use to describe having been criticised are pretty much the same as when you’ve been harmed physically; you may feel you’ve been ‘laid into’, ‘blasted’ or ‘pounced on’.

If someone else’s criticism pushes your buttons, you’ll probably react emotionally, not rationally. It’s hard not to react defensively, deny everything, blame someone else, counter-attack or sulk. You lose control and find yourself unable to listen objectively to the other person’s remarks, calmly appraise them and respond accordingly.

Of course, your response to criticism is dependent on a variety of factors:

• who is criticising you
• why they are criticising you
• when they are being critical
• where they criticise you.

But whoever it is who’s criticising you, whether it is fair or unfair criticism, there is a positive way to handle it. Using good communication skills, you can learn to handle criticism even if others aren’t skilled in giving it! Once again, the emphasis is on active listening.

1. Listen to what the other person is saying. Really listen. Resist the urge to interrupt or apologise or do any of those other things that get in the way of really listening. Remember, the aim here is simply to understand what the other person is saying and what exactly they are criticising you about.
2. Reflect. Before you respond to the accusation, repeat back what you think the other person has said or is feeling.
   For example, ‘You’re saying that I haven’t done what you asked?’ or ‘Am I right, you’re upset about the way I spoke to Joe?’
   Strong emotions provoke strong opinions. Take time to recognise the feelings of the critic and you set the space up for a better understanding between you. Avoid doing this and it is more than likely that emotions will end up running the show.
3. Ask questions. If you’re still not certain, ask questions to make sure you understand what has made the other person criticise you. For example, ‘I just need to be clear; do you think I did it deliberately?’
4. Respond. If you’re clear about what and why the other person is criticising you, now is the time to decide how you feel, and what you’re going to do. You might want to refute what the other person has said, agree or negotiate. Whatever it is, say it. For example, ‘I know that you’re angry and you think I’ve been inconsiderate, but I do not agree because …’ Give evidence (not excuses) for your point of view.
5. Repeat the process. Listen to the other person’s response and continue acknowledging and responding.
6. Agree to disagree. If you can resolve the situation, all well and good. But, if not, learn when to draw a line and agree to disagree.

Although criticism may come out more forcibly than the person intends, the message is still important. Reflective listening helps establish what the message is and how upset or angry the other person feels.

Reflective listening also helps to diminish the other person’s attack. If the criticism is reflected back, the critic is more likely to feel understood and less likely to feel attacking and defensive.

Giving criticism

Think back to the last time you criticised someone. Did you just want to let rip and get it off your chest so that you could feel better? Or maybe you were trying to be more constructive than that; you wanted to see a change in the other person’s behaviour?

Constructive criticism can also be a form of feedback in that it provides information, opinion or analysis about something the person did which will inform positively their future performance or behaviour.

Whether you put it in writing or speak to the other person, there are several steps to consider. But, before you say anything, you must first decide just what the other person has done that’s a problem for you, and then what change you want to see.

If you don’t do this, you risk being ignored or starting a full-on confrontation!

Follow these steps.

1. Say it! Be specific. Say just what the other person did that has upset you, irritated you or made you angry. Then be specific about the change you want.
   It may be obvious to you what the problem is, but don’t assume it’s clear to the other person. Consider, for example, the time, energy and misunderstanding caused by this vague criticism: ‘Emily, you must work on writing better emails. They need to be tightened up, OK?’
   A better approach might be: ‘Emily, you made some interesting points in this email, but they were hard to find because of the lack of structure. Next time, could you bullet point each key issue and make it clear what your questions are?’
2. Listen. Listen to the other person’s response. Do not interrupt.
3. Acknowledge. Respond to what the other person has said by repeating it. For example, ‘OK, Emily, I know you feel that all the information is there and I understand you don’t think you’ve got the time to think about the exact wording. However, Bill is getting increasingly annoyed that he has to keep phoning you to clarify what you mean. And this takes up both your time and his. So please aim to get it right the first time. If you need help, let me know.’
4. Listen to the other person’s response. Acknowledge it and either stick to what you want, or be prepared to negotiate or compromise.

Here are some other things to bear in mind.

• Consider the time and place. Do you have to say something immediately – or can it wait until the other person is more likely to listen to you?
• Tell the other person how you feel. Are you jealous, angry or upset? Don’t be afraid to tell the other person how you feel. ‘I was upset/embarrassed/furious when …’
• Do not accuse. Do not tell the other person, ‘You do this and you do that.’ Instead, use ‘I’ statements. ‘You’ messages label the other person in a negative way. For example, instead of, ‘You need to make it clear what you want’ say, ‘I would find it easier if you were clearer about what you want.’
• Criticise one thing at a time. If you have more than one issue, focus on one at a time and deal with the most important area first. Don’t allow yourself to be dragged into other issues by the other person either.
• Decide what your next step will be. If the other person doesn’t do what you want, what will you do? This doesn’t mean issuing threats or punishments. It means deciding what your next step will be or what the consequences will be if they refuse to cooperate.

Giving bad news and negative feedback

Breaking bad news can be a real challenge; it can be difficult and distressing for both the giver and receiver of bad news. There are, however, ways to do it sensitively. What matters most is how well you listen and how you respond to the other person’s reaction.

But first, if you have bad news to deliver, know that you must lay it out plainly. It’s difficult if you’re in a situation where you have to convey that sort of information, but the other person needs to be clear about the situation.

• Give reasons. Be prepared to explain why something happened and what caused it to happen. Avoid lengthy explanations.
• Anticipate questions and be prepared with concise and credible answers. If you don’t have the answers, say so. If you know where the other person can get further information that might help to answer their questions, say so. If a question is complicated, rephrase it to simplify it, but without changing the meaning. If it’s angry, recast it in neutral language. Keep control of your own emotions and answer questions with respect and sensitivity.
• You may have been told that the best way to give bad news is to say something positive before and/or after the bad news. This is not to imply that things don’t seem so bad, and certainly not to trivialise the bad news. The reason to include something positive is so that the other person has something positive to focus on. (As in the examples above, ‘But you will be able to resit your exams and reapply next year or see if the other universities you chose will give you a place’ and ‘Rex wasn’t by himself; the nurse was with him.’
• In some situations, you can soften the impact. One way to do this is to use the positive form of a sentence. For example, instead of saying ‘We can’t decide until tomorrow’, write ‘We will decide tomorrow.’
• Bad news is usually met with strong emotions. Acknowledge those emotions but try not to get emotional yourself (unless the bad news directly affects you, too). Supposing, for example, you had to dismiss an employee. You can’t not dismiss them because they’re crying. But you can acknowledge their distress: ‘I’m sorry you’re so upset. I can see this has come as a shock’ or ‘I can see this is painful for you.’ An empathic response acknowledges not only someone’s feelings but also the reasons for those feelings.
• Listen to the other person; let them talk. Validate their emotions, but primarily listen and acknowledge.
• Avoid saying ‘I know just how you feel’ or ‘Try not to worry about it.’ Although you might mean well, the other person might feel that you don’t understand or you’re attempting to bring things to a close.
• If it’s relevant, state what, if anything, you can do to help, or ask ‘Is there anything I can do?’ Avoid over apologising. Instead, suggest possible actions. No one wants excuses – they want a solution, direction or tips on how to improve a situation, or ideas for the future. Focus on what can be done rather than what can’t be done.

Should you always deliver bad news in person? It may seem easier to convey bad news via email or letter. Certainly, then you can plan exactly what to say and how to word it. You can also say what you want to without being interrupted. But you can’t see how the other person feels and responds. And if that’s the reason for putting it in writing, you’ve taken the coward’s way out; you don’t have to deal with the other person’s response.

When you deliver difficult news in person, you can read the other person’s body language and make appropriate adjustments to what you’re saying. You can stop to clarify misunderstandings or to shed more light on issues of concern.

So, when you can, talk to the other person, face to face.

How to deliver bad news and negative feedback in writing

If you do have to give negative feedback or deliver bad news in a letter or email, be aware that just as the way you deliver bad news verbally can affect how it is received, the same is true when delivering bad news in writing.

Your introduction is important. It gives you an opportunity to set the context for the bad news or feedback. Context (the circumstances relevant to the issue) can make a difference to how bad news is grasped and understood. So, start with something positive. Describe what went well and why.

For example, here’s a tutor giving written feedback to a student: ‘Zoe, you have done really well with your essay, especially as you were unable to attend several classes due to illness.’

The aim is not to minimise the bad news so much as it is to place it in context and make it part of your message. You need to introduce it, and you need to leave the recipient with the bad news explained and in context. Only after you’ve laid the context and given the positive angle should you detail the negative news: ‘Unfortunately, your essay is unfocused.’

Once the bad news has been delivered, it should be followed by an explanation, a solution or suggestion for improvement, or a course of action that will result in future prevention of the same problem, whichever is relevant. ‘In future, decide what your main points are and keep checking that they always relate to the main question.’

If the bad news is the result of something you have done, offer a solution, such as some kind of corrective action or recompense.

Bad news is one thing. Dwelling on it makes it worse. If you put bad news in the proper context (as a small hitch on the journey), then you leave the reader feeling hopeful and more positive, while being completely honest about the unfortunate circumstances.

Conclude by showing that you care. It could be nothing more than an apology, but it should show genuine empathy.

What to do when someone gives you the silent treatment

Have you ever offended someone? Fallen out with a friend and now they’re keeping their distance? Or maybe someone who’s normally happy to speak to you is giving you the cold shoulder? Whether it’s a family member, colleague or friend, how can you break their wall of silence without making things worse?

First, if you’re not sure what’s happened, ask yourself some questions. When did the silent treatment start? What happened that day, or in the days just before the behaviour changed?

Was it something you said, or something you did? Did you do something wrong or behave badly? Narrow it down to a few possibilities.

Whatever the reason, by cutting you off, the non-talker is trying to control the situation, protect themselves or punish you. How can you break through?

Fortunately, this is a situation where you can plan what you’re going to say. It’s easy to get nervous or defensive, or to come across the wrong way, so plan what you’re going to say. Imagine you’re alone with this person and say out loud what you want to say. Listen to the way you make your statement, and adjust your tone if need be. If the other person feels that you did something wrong, you want to make sure your tone doesn’t indicate that you think they are being oversensitive; a snide or patronising tone will only make things worse between you. Positive body language is vital; folded arms, a tense posture and avoiding eye contact are not going to demonstrate an honest, open approach.

If you don’t know what you’ve done wrong, say so. ‘I feel like there’s a problem between us and that you might be upset with me.’

Find out what and how the other person is feeling. Do they feel hurt or frustrated? Maybe they simply feel let down. Try asking, ‘How do you feel about what happened between us?’

Listen and acknowledge what they say about how they feel. Explain how you feel, but be careful not to find fault or lay blame.

Take responsibility and apologise. This doesn’t mean taking all the blame or suggesting that it’s completely your fault. Identify what you do and do not feel responsible for. Admit what, if anything, you could have done differently and say that you’re sorry it happened. Make it clear that you understand what you are apologising for.

For example, ‘I was angry and shouted – I’m sorry I upset you by losing my temper over it’ or ‘I didn’t do what you asked me to do – I’m sorry I let you down.’

Explain what you can do to put things right. You could, for example, say, ‘I know that when I get angry and shout, you don’t get a chance to have your say. In future, if I feel like I’m losing control, I’ll leave the room until I feel calmer’ or ‘I know I let you down. Can I make up for it in some way?’

Try only once. If, after you have attempted to understand what the problem is and apologised, but you still can’t get through, know that you have done your best.

Now, it is up to the other person to step up and begin communicating with you.

You need to decide if you are willing to leave the door open for the other person to come through once they feel like talking again. ‘It really hurts that you’re shutting me out, and I wish you would talk to me so we can move forward. I’m finding it difficult to deal with, so I’ll have to stop waiting and just assume that you don’t want to be friends any more. I don’t want to do that, which is why I’m telling you now.’

Of course, it might be easier, or even the only option, to put it in writing. Again, take responsibility for what you could have done differently. Remember not to find fault or lay blame, but do acknowledge how you think the other person is feeling. Explain how you feel and what you are willing to do to put things right.

How to shut someone up. Nicely

Have you ever hesitated to begin a conversation with someone because you feared you’d never be able to end it? Do you often find yourself stuck with someone who talks about topics in needless detail? Maybe they always bring the conversation back to themselves? Perhaps someone you know repeats the same stories and anecdotes even when you say you’ve heard them before?

How can you take back the reins of the conversation without appearing rude? There are a number of ways to do it nicely. All of them require you to listen closely. By listening closely, you will find something you can pick up on and use to take control.

Make contact. Take a deep breath and make eye contact. Say their name. If it’s appropriate, briefly touch their arm. Stand up if you were sitting down. Then lead the topic to a close in one of the following ways.

Summarise. Rather than switch off, use your listening skills to summarise something they have said. For example, ‘So, Phil, trekking the Great Wall of China was obviously quite a challenge. I must do something like that myself one day.’

Give warning. ‘Phil, I’d like to hear more, but I also need to talk to James before he leaves.’ When you just have to get away, let the person know your time is running out.

Be nice. ‘It was good to hear about your trip, Phil – you’ve inspired me. Good to talk with you.’ You’ll feel OK about ending the conversation and the windbag will be happier to let you go if you say something positive.

Explain your next move. ‘Phil, I need to go to the loo/call my babysitter/catch James before he goes.’ Just make sure you do what you say. Don’t let the person see you were just making an excuse.

Widen the circle. ‘Phil, come with me, I want to introduce you to James/go to the bar/get some food.’ Whether the other person agrees to join you or not, this tactic makes them feel included, even if you then give them the slip. If you are in a group, try directing questions to someone else. Say: ‘What do you think of this, James?’ Or,‘I really want to hear what Olivia says about this.’

Of course, this all takes effort on your part, but these tactics will put you in control of the conversation, and taking control is better than being bored senseless!