Every person I work with knows something better than me. My job is to listen long enough to find it and use it.Jack Nicholson
Active listening
What, do you think, is the difference between listening and hearing? Are they the same thing?
If you hear something, you are simply aware of sound. Hearing is a passive process; you don’t have to make any effort to receive the sounds. And the sounds you hear have no significance until you give them some meaning.
Listening, on the other hand, is an active process, requiring you to pay attention, interpret and derive meaning from the messages you hear and see.
Active listening takes things one step further. It is a communication technique, a structured form of listening and responding that focuses attention on the speaker with the aim of developing mutual empathy and understanding.
Active listening is a technique used in professional situations such as counselling, mediating, managing and mentoring. But the principles are useful for all of us in a variety of situations, whether it’s discussing ideas at work, interacting with your children or making small talk in the supermarket queue.
The way to become a better listener is to learn and practise active listening.
How to be an active listener
Active listening is certainly not complicated. You simply need a positive, engaged attitude and lots of practice!
There are two elements to active listening: acceptance and acknowledgement. They both help you to experience interest and understanding in what the other person is saying. Acceptance and acknowledgement also ensure that the other person knows you are interested and understand what they are saying.
Acceptance is a passive act; it is the ability to listen without attempting to negate what the other person is saying by, for example, interrupting, judging or dismissing. Communicating acceptance between you creates feelings of confidence and trust.
Acknowledgement is an active process; it happens in communication when you respond with recognition and consideration of what the other person has expressed.
Both acceptance and acknowledgement are conveyed using verbal and non-verbal communication.
Non-verbal responses
Non-verbal acceptance and acknowledgement can be as simple as making eye contact, a nod of the head, a smile or a touch on the arm. It can also be profound: holding someone, a sympathetic look or a gentle touch can reach out in ways that words cannot. Using facial expressions that reflect the feelings and content of what the other person is saying is also an effective way to show that you are engaged with what they are saying.
When someone is talking to you, they will (usually unintentionally) look for verbal and non-verbal responses to know whether or not they are being listened to. Non-verbal responses do not necessarily have to convey that you agree with the other person; you are simply showing that you are listening.
The next time you talk to someone, be aware of their non-verbal responses. What do you notice they do to convey non-verbal acceptance and acknowledgement?
Verbal and paraverbal responses
Helpful responses facilitate communication by helping the speaker to feel understood. The brilliant impact box below sets out some of the key listening techniques, their purpose and examples. They are techniques for you to use when you are communicating with and listening to other people. You will be familiar with all of them – they’re not difficult to recognise or understand – but the challenge lies in using them effectively in your relationships with other people. You’ll need practice and patience!
Verbal acknowledgement and acceptance shows that you have been listening; that you are paying attention and focusing on understanding what the other person is saying.
Utterances. By using small verbal comments like ‘yes’, ‘uh-huh’, ‘go on’ or ‘I see’, you are signalling your interest and encouraging the speaker to continue.
Reflecting, paraphrasing. This involves reflecting on what the listener has said but using your own words and phrases, interpretation and understanding – often a summary of what the other person has said – to check you’ve understood their sense and significance. This can be quite a challenge; while the other person is speaking, you, the listener, have to keep a mental note of their main points or message. (You may use your senses to help with this – visual communicators, for example, may visualise the main points the speaker is making.)
When reflecting and paraphrasing, you do not have to agree with the speaker; you only state what you think the speaker said and how you have interpreted what was said. This helps each of you to know whether or not you’ve understood. If you haven’t understood what the speaker is trying to express, they can explain some more.
Active listening is possibly the most important communication skill that you could learn – it’s the quickest route to developing rapport, empathy and understanding. It is a skill which counsellors, negotiators, managers, sales people and teachers use more than any other skill. Of course, professional situations are a structured, organised way of communicating. It would be unnatural to reflect and paraphrase every time someone spoke to you.
However, active listening can be used in a wide range of formal and informal situations; the trick is to listen as if you were going to reflect and paraphrase (whether you do so or not). This is why active listening is so powerful. It helps you to really listen.
So, practise active listening and remind yourself that your goal is to understand what the other person is saying.
Active listening
Lin: ‘I had an argument with Max at work and we haven’t spoken since then.’
Chris: ‘Really?’ (Utterance)
Lin: ‘Yes. It’s been two weeks and it’s not just bothering me, it’s also causing a real atmosphere in the office. Today Jan, who sits opposite me, told me that they’d all noticed something was wrong between me and Max.’
Chris: ‘Hmmm, it’s affecting you and everyone else.’ (Paraphrasing)
Lin: ‘Yes, I’m quite upset. It’s going to have to be sorted out, otherwise it’ll create big problems when we all go away to the annual conference in July. There’s quite a bit of planning that needs to be done for the presentation our team are going to be giving – both Max and I are involved in contributing to that. And, of course, there will be a party on the last night of the conference. That won’t be much fun if we’re still not talking. I really want to clear the air but he just makes me so angry, assuming that because I don’t have children I can’t possibly understand how hard it is for him to take on extra work. I have commitments too, you know.’
Chris: ‘Let me get this right. You were angry because Max thinks you don’t understand what it is like to have kids. Are you saying you’re going to have to patch up your differences, otherwise it’s going to make things difficult for planning and attending the conference?’ (Reflecting, paraphrasing and clarifying)
Lin: ‘Yes. Well, we don’t have to sort it out, but things will be a lot easier for me, Max and everyone else if we do.’
Chris: ‘What’s the next step?’ (Open question – see next section)
Lin: ‘Maybe I should just tell him that I do understand it is hard, but that if we work closely on this, I’m happy to do some work this weekend so we can get ahead with the conference planning.’
Chris: ‘Sounds good.’
Lin: ‘Yes, that’s what I think I will do.’
Actively listening makes the speaker feel understood and encourages open conversation.
Often, you’ll find that you can interpret the speaker’s words in terms of feelings. So, instead of just repeating what happened, you might add, ‘It sounds like you felt angry when … happened.’ The speaker might agree or adjust their message, for example, by replying, ‘Not really angry, just confused.’
When you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.Jiddu Krishnamurti
Listening is an acquired skill; the more you practise listening, the better you get at it.
Listen to a discussion programme on the TV or radio. Pick out something someone says and practise ways to frame and re-frame sentences in various ways.
One of you talk for two minutes on one of the subjects below. The other person must use active listening techniques to show interest and understanding.
Most importantly, when the speaker has finished speaking, the listener must reflect back what the speaker said and felt.
- The best job or holiday you ever had.
- The worst job or holiday you ever had.
- A pet you once had.
- What you’d do if you won a million pounds.
- What you like or dislike about Christmas.
- Other people’s irritating habits.
Clarifying communication
So, to improve your listening skills, accept and acknowledge what the other person is saying. Listen without interrupting, and use verbal and non-verbal messages to show interest and understanding. Simple and straightforward? Well, yes, and no.
For a variety of reasons you still might not be clear about what the other person is telling you.
A further way to increase understanding is, of course, by asking questions. Asking the right questions at the right time is at the heart of effective communication.
Here are some common questioning techniques, and when (and when not) to use them.
Open and closed questions
An effective way to clarify or get new information is to ask questions that encourage the other person to open up and explain some more. Asking ‘open’ questions does this. These encourage longer answers. But before we look at open questions, let’s look at ‘closed’ questions. These are questions that require a yes/no answer.
Closed questions
Although asking closed questions can lead conversation down a dead end, closed questions are good for:
- obtaining facts
- being quick and easy to answer
- keeping control of the conversation with the questioner.
Closed questions are useful to establish facts and get a straightforward answer: ‘Is this your pen?’ ‘Did you say tea or coffee’? But they can also be used for more deceptive purposes. Closed questions can be used to lead the other person to your way of thinking. They can do this in several ways. First, by framing ideas and opinions as rhetorical questions. Rhetorical questions aren’t really questions at all, in that they don’t require an answer. They are a persuasive technique, used to lead the other person to your way of thinking. Rhetorical questions are statements phrased in question form: ‘If you stay out late tonight, what will happen in your driving test tomorrow?’ ‘Do you agree that we need to save the whales’?
Rhetorical questions can be effective in engaging the listener; they are more likely to agree with you than if they were simply told something: ‘We need to save the whales.’
The first or last words of the sentence set up the dynamic of the closed, rhetorical question, indicating the quick and easy answer: words such as do, would, are, will, if. For example, ‘Would you like to save some money?’ or ‘Are we all agreed this is the right course of action?’
Any opinion can be turned into a closed question that forces a yes or no answer (and solicits agreement) by adding tag phrases at the end of the sentence, such as ‘isn’t it?’, ‘don’t you?’ or ‘won’t they?’. For example, ‘The cheaper option is better, isn’t it?’ or ‘You all agree, don’t you?’
Another way that a closed question can be used to manipulate the other person’s thinking is with an assumption: ‘If you were thinking of waiting until next year to buy this product, you need to ask yourself, how much more will it cost then?’ This assumes that prices will go up next year.
Closed, leading questions can be framed in such a way that they are both quick and easy to answer and give you the answer you want, while leaving the other person assuming they’ve had a choice.
For example, ‘Do you want to eat the broccoli before you eat your sausages, or after you eat your sausages?’ (Useful for getting young children to comply!)
You must use leading questions carefully, though. If you use them in a self-serving way or in a way that undermines the interests of the other person, you are being manipulative and dishonest.
On the other hand, closed, leading questions can be used positively; when managing, mentoring or coaching, for instance. Closed questions can help get someone else to consider and agree with your suggestions. For example, ‘Wouldn’t it be great to get some qualifications?’
Rhetorical questions are even more powerful if you use a string of them. ‘Would you like to get some qualifications?’ ‘Qualifications that lead to an interesting, fulfilling job?’ ‘Would you like that job to be well paid, involve international travel and plenty of perks?’
Open questions
Closed questions elicit closed answers and keep conversational control with the speaker. Open questions do just the opposite; they invite open answers and hand control to the listener. Use open questions and you open up the dialogue and encourage the other person to talk.
Open questions ask the speaker for their knowledge, opinions, ideas or feelings. They usually begin with what, why, how, tell me, explain or describe. For example, ‘Why do you think he said that?’ ‘How did that happen?’ ‘Tell me about your plans.’
Open questions are good for:
- getting specific details and general information
- obtaining ideas and opinions, and understanding feelings
- encouraging further conversation and giving control to the speaker.
Open questions can give you specific details. Maybe there are gaps in what the other person has said (they may or may not be deliberately withholding information). Perhaps you want to check where the other person’s information has come from,or you’re not sure why they said something: ‘How do you know …?’
Sometimes, if the other person is expressing a claim, theory or idea that you’re finding difficult to grasp you may ask for specific examples. ‘I’m not sure what you mean. Could you give me an example?’ ‘How does that work in practice?’
If the other person is wandering off the subject, you can ask, ‘When you said … can you tell me how that relates to …?’ You can also repeat what they have said with emphasis on the area where you want more detail. ‘He didn’t say you were stupid?’ or, ‘He didn’t say you were stupid?’
Most importantly, if you want to really open up a dialogue and give control to the other person, open questions allow you to ask about the other person’s thoughts, feelings, ideas or opinions: ‘And how did you feel about that?’ ‘Could you tell me more about that?’ ‘Can you tell me what happened?’ ‘What did you think about that?’
Open questions can be asked whenever you need to clarify a point or find out more, at different points in a conversation. Open questions can also be used in a specific technique known as ‘funnel questioning’.
Funnel questions
Funnel questions are a series of questions that seek further information that either goes into more detail or becomes more general.
Funnel questions that increase detail give you, the listener, more information about fewer topics. This technique starts with general questions, and then narrows in on a point in each answer, gathering more and more detail with each question. This guides the speaker and helps them to focus and recall detail.
For example:
Carrie: Tell me more about the meeting.
Sam: I think it went quite well. There were just a couple of problems.
Carrie: What, specifically, was one of the problems?
Sam: We couldn’t agree a date for completion.
Carrie: What date, exactly, did she suggest?
Sam: The 15th of next month.
Starting by asking ‘tell me more’ is a general, open question that also focuses the other person on a chosen area, giving more information about this and giving you, the listener, the opportunity to pick up on and ask further questions about the specific details.
Using focus words like ‘specifically’, ‘exactly’ or ‘particularly’ directs the speaker to explain a particular point in more detail. Use these along with ‘what’, ‘how’ and ‘when’.
For example, ‘You said that she wasn’t happy about leaving it to the end of the month. What, specifically, did she say?’
Using the funnel questioning technique can help to defuse a potential conflict or heated situation and help the other person calm down and feel understood. Funnel questions get them to go into more detail about their problem. This will distract them from their emotions, help you understand them and, possibly, know what to do to help.
Funnel questions that increase detail gives you, the listener, more information about fewer topics. In contrast, funnel questions that decrease the demand for detail broaden out the questions to give you wider information about more general topics. Ask questions that begin, for example, with ‘who else’ and ‘what else’, such as, ‘So, she accepted the end of the month as a completion date. What else did you discuss?’
This style of questioning can be useful in situations where you want to encourage the person you’re speaking with to open up. It can also be used to increase their confidence.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Asking questions does not make you look stupid. Listen to news programmes on the radio and TV. Note how often John Humphries on Radio 4’s Today programme and Jeremy Paxman on BBC 2’s Newsnight ask questions to clarify both their and the listeners’ understanding.
Remember to be aware of your non-verbal communication when you are asking questions. Be sure that your questions don’t come across as interrogative, attacking, defensive or rude. Your body language and tone of voice all play a part in the answers you get when you ask questions.
The benefits of active listening
Active listening is a powerful technique that will enable you to achieve the following:
Concentrate on what the other person is saying. Active listening is intrinsically focused.
Whether or not you reflect back to the other person what they have said, because you are listening as if you were going to summarise what the speaker is saying, active listening compels you to concentrate your attention. And, because you are focused on the other person, you will find that you are not distracted by whatever else may be going on around you. Active listening prevents you from being distracted by external circumstances or internal issues.
It helps you avoid thinking about what you are going to say next (particularly helpful in conflict situations or disagreements).
Increase your understanding. Active listening helps you to interpret what the other person has said, in your own words. Reflecting back and asking relevant questions allows the speaker to confirm, adjust or correct you if you have misunderstood.
Overcome your assumptions. Because everyone has different perspectives, the speaker and the listener may attach different meanings to the same statement. Your assumptions, emotions, judgements and beliefs can distort what you hear. Active listening techniques can overcome those barriers because, again, the speaker can confirm or refute your interpretation and help you see things from their point of view.
Develop empathy and rapport. Active listening and empathy are mutually inclusive. By trying to understand what the other person is saying and feeling, you are trying to see things from their point of view.
Increase the speaker’s understanding and encourage them to open up. When you reflect, paraphrase and summarise what you have heard, you help the speaker reflect, then confirm, retract or adjust what they meant. This can also encourages them to open up and say more.
Improve your ability to influence, persuade and negotiate. Active listening increases your understanding of the speaker’s intentions, feelings and motivations. So you are more likely to make the right response and say whatever is appropriate, to strengthen negotiation, diplomacy and cooperation.
Be more likely to remember what was said later. You retain less when you engage in mindless listening. Active listening is mindful listening.
Avoid being bored. Active listening helps you to engage with what the speaker is saying; to look for points of potential interest.
Deter you from interrupting. You don’t interrupt and break into what the other person is saying with unnecessary questions or comment. You recognise that interrupting is a waste of time; it frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message. (However, there can be good reasons for interrupting, such as a show of support or enthusiasm, or asking for clarification.)
Allow the speaker to vent feelings. Because you don’t interrupt!
Give you control in difficult situations. Reflecting back slows everything down. This gives both sides time to think.
Remember, a good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end you may disagree but, because you listened, you know exactly what it is you are disagreeing with!
Use your preferred communication style. If you’re an Active communicator, you prefer to talk and do things more than listen and sit still. Active listening gives you something to do! Active listening is an active process.
If you are a Theorist, active listening helps you to clarify other people’s ideas, understand their points of view and take feelings into account.
For Purposeful communicators, active listening gives you a purpose; the purpose being to improve your understanding.
Finally, although Connectors are already effective listeners, active listening can further increase the skills you have of relating to, understanding and connecting with other people.
What happens if you can’t listen? If you are too busy, distracted, confused or worried to focus on what the speaker is saying? Say so! Explain that this isn’t a good time for you. Tell the other person or negotiate a time when you will be better able to give your full attention.
- Show interest – use verbal and non-verbal messages to accept and acknowledge what the other person is saying.
- Check if you have understood; reflect, paraphrase and/or summarise key points to confirm your understanding.
- Ask questions to increase understanding and dialogue.
Learn to listen. Opportunity could be knocking at your door very softly.