What communication is and what effective communication skills are
What exactly is ‘communication’? Depending on whom you ask, the answer may vary. Communication is:
- discussion of ideas between one person and another;
- talking to or socialising with other people;
- interaction between people;
- getting your ideas across;
- talking and responding to someone.
Of course, it’s all of these things (and, interestingly, the answer each person gives provides a clue to their communication style – more about that later in this chapter).
The term ‘communication’ comes from the Latin word ‘communis’ which means ‘common’. So, ‘to communicate’ means ‘to make common’ or ‘to make known’. This act of making common and known is carried out through the exchange of thoughts, ideas and feelings.
Communication, then, is the exchange of ideas, information and feelings. Note the emphasis is on the word ‘exchange’; exchange involves giving and receiving. So communication is a two-way process where the speaker and the listener both take part.
Furthermore, the speaker and the listener must have a shared understanding of the meaning of the words and sounds, gestures, expressions, symbols and context used in the communication. The key to effective communication is when there is a shared understanding of intention and meaning; both sender and receiver share an understanding of the purpose, sense and significance of the message. A shared understanding doesn’t necessarily guarantee a shared agreement about what actions will follow from the communication – but it certainly makes it more likely.
Is it really that simple? Of course not. Why? Because communication is not a predictable, one-way event. It’s a dynamic process, influenced by all the complexities and uncertainties of human behaviour.
Learnt or innate?
You are born with the ability to communicate. You have learnt to communicate by:
- listening to and watching other people
- being taught or trained
- practising and adjusting how and what you communicate according to the response you receive.
You have also learnt that there are basic rules of reciprocal communication. You have learnt that:
- people have to take turns to talk
- you have to wait until the other person has finished talking before you can speak
- the second person to speak should respond to what the first person has said, rather than introducing a completely new subject.
Every day, you interact with other people who have different opinions, beliefs and needs from you. Your ability to exchange ideas and opinions with other people, understand their perspectives and solve problems between you will depend on how effectively you are able to communicate. Although your ability to communicate is innate, it is also a skill that can be learnt, developed and improved. You can become a skilled communicator!
The three elements of communication
Communication involves verbal, paraverbal and non-verbal elements:
- verbal messages
- paraverbal messages
- non-verbal messages.
To communicate effectively, you must use all three elements to do two things:
- send clear messages
- receive and understand messages.
Let’s look at the three elements of communication in more detail.
Verbal communication
Verbal communication is communication that uses words – either written or spoken – to convey thoughts, ideas and feelings.
Paralanguage
Paralanguage is used to modify meaning and convey attitude and emotion using such devices as pitch, volume, rhythm, intonation and emphasis.
Paralanguage gives communication its personality; the distinctive characteristics that make it unique.
All spoken communication has paralinguistic properties that are affected by emotions and attitudes. Attitudes (the way a person thinks and behaves) tend to be expressed intentionally and emotions (the way a person feels) unintentionally. If, for example, you are feeling angry or excited, your speech is likely to become rapid and higher pitched. When you are feeling defensive, your speech may be abrupt. When you are bored or feeling down, your speech probably slows down and takes on a monotone quality. Of course, attempts to fake or hide emotions are not unusual.
If you are sneering and sarcastic, your intonation and emphasis will leave the listener in no doubt as to your attitude!
Written communication can also include paralinguistic elements. These include punctuation, italics, capitalisation and the use of emoticons (facial expressions pictorially represented by punctuation and letters, such as :–) usually to express a writer’s mood).
Paralanguage in written communication is limited in comparison with face-to-face conversation and, as you’ve probably discovered, this can lead to misunderstandings.
Paraverbal communication refers to how you say something, not what you say. A sentence can convey entirely different meanings depending on the emphasis on words and the tone of voice used. For example, the statement ‘I didn’t say you were stupid’ has six different meanings, depending on which word is emphasised.
‘I didn’t say you were stupid.’
‘I didn’t say you were stupid.’
‘I didn’t say you were stupid.’
You can work out the other three meanings for yourself. (And, if you can’t, show this page to someone else and see if they can work it out.)
Non-verbal communication
Non-verbal communication involves exchanging ideas, information and feelings without the use of words. This includes body language: posture, gestures and facial expressions.
Non-verbal communication provides clues to the attitude and feelings behind the words a person is using.
Although non-verbal communication usually reinforces verbal communication – you often send and interpret such signals subconsciously – it can also be used on its own to communicate something. For example, a look or a gentle touch can communicate a message clearly, as can a push or a slap. A smile or a frown can convey a message without the need for words.
Effective communication draws on all three elements – verbal, paralanguage and non-verbal – to exchange thoughts, ideas, opinions and feelings.
The 7%–38%–55% rule
You may have come across the claim that communication is only 7% what you say; that communication comprises 55% body language, 38% tone of voice and 7% words. Not true!
Professor Albert Mehrabian, whose book Silent Messages: Implicit Communication of Emotions and Attitudes is the source of these statistics, told me that this is a misunderstanding of the findings. ‘My percentage numbers apply only when a person is communicating about emotions and definitely do not apply to communication in general.’
So, it would be more accurate to suggest that the expression of attitudes and feelings is 7% what is said, 38% tone of voice and 55% body language.
Communication styles
Becoming aware of your communication style and those of other people is a good place to start when you want to improve your communication skills.
Each person has a unique way of communicating. Listen to your own speech. What sorts of words do you use? Which sort of body language and what tone of voice do you often use? In what situations and under what circumstances does your communication style change?
Now, think of someone who you regard as a good communicator. Who do you know who can explain things clearly, who listens and understands what others are talking about? Someone you work with? A neighbour? A friend? Maybe it’s a member of your family. There are great examples of communication everywhere – newsreaders, radio broadcasters, interviewers, politicians (at least, a few) and some celebrities. What is it about the way they communicate that you like? Compare your style to theirs.
Let’s look more closely at your communication style. There are many communication models; that is, theories about the different ways that people communicate and the ways in which communication works. Knowing how to improve communication skills will become easier once you are aware of your own communication style; how you express yourself and how others perceive you.
The quiz below will help you to identify your communication approaches and attitudes.
Communication style quiz
Tick the statements that apply to you.
Now add up how many of each letter you ticked.
- If you ticked mostly As you are an Active communicator.
- If you ticked mostly Cs you are a Connector.
- If you ticked mostly Ts you are a Theorist.
- If you ticked mostly Ps you are a Purposeful communicator.
- If (which is quite likely) you had similar scores for two or more communication styles, you use a combination of styles and communicate in different ways in different situations.
Active communicators
Active communicators communicate in a lively, spontaneous, opportunistic way. They are direct and straightforward; they get to the point quickly and keep things moving. They tend to make quick decisions and sum things up swiftly.
Active communicators like to talk about doing things and what they’ve achieved. They use language to make an impact and are prone to exaggerate.
They enjoy making people laugh and being made to laugh. They use large gestures and animated facial expressions and are not afraid to use strong language. They often like to move around during conversation. If you want a conversation with an active communicator you might have more success if you engage with them during a game of golf or tennis, rather than expect them to sit still and give you their full attention!
Active communicators like to be involved in discussion; they find it hard to sit on the sidelines unless they are amused or fascinated by what the other person is saying.
Whether they are familiar with what’s being discussed or not, they come across confidently and persuasively.
Frustrations
Active communicators feel constrained by social rules and niceties, protocol and etiquette. They dislike hesitations and interruptions. If the other person pauses, they often take the opportunity to add their own comments or even change the subject. Active communicators may need to improve their listening skills and ability to empathise.
Connectors
These people like to take time to relate to and connect with others. They are friendly and approachable and welcome conversation with others. They show empathy and appreciation.
They particularly enjoy conversations where they feel they have made a connection which allows them to share personal aspects of each other’s lives. They communicate in a way that will promote cooperation and harmony.
Connectors speak from the heart, are influenced by their feelings and emotions and use their intuition. They tend to be subjective (unlike Theorists, who are objective).
Connectors tend to listen more than talk – they like to ‘read between the lines’ and work out the feelings and intentions behind what another person is saying. They like to talk about relationships and people. They are interested in values and beliefs. They are usually optimistic and positive, and find conversations that help others feel positive and confident particularly rewarding.
They are tactful and considerate, generally thinking about how to phrase something so that it doesn’t offend the other person.
Frustrations
Connectors dislike conversations that lead to conflict. They are upset by others who ‘railroad’ or ‘talk down’ to them. They prefer people to take time to connect with them and take their thoughts and feelings into account. They may need to be a little less sensitive and more assertive.
Theorists
People who use this style of communicating tend to think and deliberate during a conversation. They like to review what they’ve just heard and respond carefully in a way that most accurately expresses their thoughts on the matter. Their aim is to get information that will help them solve or discover something or provide new knowledge.
They tend to talk about ideas and information rather than feelings and relationships, and use wording such as ‘I think’ rather than ‘I feel’. Unlike Connectors, they usually avoid emotional bonding and go straight for the facts. This approach can come across as quite cold and can be offputting to those seeking to first establish a personal bond.
Theorists enjoy talking about theories, ideas and strategies. During conversations they like to take in and develop new ideas and possibilities. They enjoy describing all aspects of a situation or an idea. Theorists are quick to pull together odd bits of information into rational arguments. They will persist with an argument if they feel that the evidence doesn’t support what the other person has said.
In a group conversation, they like to have time to think before they speak. Although they might not say a lot, inside their head is an active world of ideas and possibilities.
Frustrations
Theorists hate to look stupid; they want to appear capable and competent. They will consider what exactly to say to communicate their thoughts and feelings. They’d rather say nothing than say something wrong.
Theorists’ body language is usually quite controlled and so may be hard for others to read. They could benefit from developing their group discussion skills, empathising and expressing and responding to feelings.
Purposeful communicators
Purposeful communicators like to be clear about the aim of a conversation, to stay on track and for everyone to remain respectful, with no interrupting! If they are interrupted and lose the thread of what they were saying, they are likely to start again from the beginning. They prefer others to complete their thoughts and finish what they are talking about before moving on to a different subject.
They like ideas and issues to be discussed in a logical order. Their language often uses extreme terms like ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘must’, ‘should’, or ‘can’t’.
Purposeful communicators prefer communication to be practical and realistic. They like to see things in writing so that they have something to guide them and refer to. They often keep ‘to do’ lists and enjoy the ritual of being able to achieve and then cross each item off their list.
They like to refer to past experience and conversations to see how these might inform their current situation.
Frustrations
Purposeful communicators don’t like to waste time with chat and small talk, but would rather communicate with others in a way that will get things done. Purposeful communicators are curious to see if other people will follow through on what they say and get on with things.
They can be strongly opinionated and will speak out for and act on their own rights and the rights of others.
Purposeful communicators use ‘proper’ language and don’t like to hear or use swearing, slang, offensive jokes or politically incorrect wording. They may come across as controlling.
Purposeful communicators may benefit from giving others time to express themselves, improving their group discussion skills and being able to discuss abstract ideas.
The introvert and extrovert continuum
A further way that communication styles can be understood is according to the extent to which a person’s communication style is external or internal. Introverts (most obviously, Theorists) are motivated by their inner worlds while extroverts (most noticeably, Active communicators) are energised by outer worlds. So, introverts get their energy, inspiration and motivation from within – their own ideas, emotions and impressions. Extroverts get their energy and inspiration from external realities – other people and activities, and things outside of themselves.
Extroversion and introversion are usually viewed as a continuum. This means that one style of communicating might not be particularly different from another. Purposeful communicators, for example, appear to have both introvert and extrovert qualities. The extremes – the Active communicators and Theorists – are very different from each other.
It is thought that everyone has both an extroverted side and an introverted side, with one being more dominant than the other. But, of course, people shift in their behaviour all the time, and even extreme introverts and extroverts do not always act according to their type.
Communication styles – using your senses
The communication style quiz will have helped you to become more aware of the extent to which your communication style is introverted or extroverted. You may also find you have preferred ways of using your senses when communicating.
In the following quiz, for each question, circle the letter (a, b or c) that most applies to you.
Now add up how many a’s, b’s and c’s you scored.
Mostly a’s – You are a visual communicator.
Mostly b’s – You are an auditory communicator.
Mostly c’s – You are a kinaesthetic communicator.
Auditory communicators
Auditory communicators like to talk! They also like to listen. They enjoy discussions, talking things through and listening to what others have to say. Auditory communicators interpret the underlying meanings of speech through listening to tone of voice, pitch, speed and other nuances. Written information may have little meaning until it is actually heard. Auditory communicators often talk to themselves and repeat what they are told, either out loud or to themselves.
Visual communicators
Visual communicators translate what they say, hear and read into images and pictures. They pay more attention to talks and presentations if there is plenty of illustrative material, or if they can visualise or watch the other person demonstrate what they’re talking about. When reading for study, they typically use colour highlighters. They often take notes by drawing pictures, diagrams or doodles.
Visual communicators easily remember faces and places by visualising them, and seldom get lost in new surroundings.
Kinaesthetic communicators
Kinaesthetic communicators tend to lose interest if there is little or no external stimulation or movement. They like to feel, touch and move. When they have to discuss something important with someone, they prefer to do this during another activity like walking or having a meal. When listening to talks and presentations, kinaesthetic communicators may want to take notes just for the sake of moving their hands. When reading for study, they typically underline and use colour highlighters. They often take notes by drawing pictures, diagrams or doodles.
Kinaesthetic communicators remember best what was done rather than what was said.
Now that you are becoming more aware of your communication style, think about people you know – family, friends, people you work with – and how they communicate. Do any of the above communication styles help to describe and explain their way of communicating? Understanding how other people communicate is a key part of developing empathy, and one of the cornerstones of good communication.
There are many communication models but communication skills cannot be summed up in a few categories; remember, communication is a dynamic process, influenced by all the complications, strengths and limitations of human behaviour.
You may well find that you don’t fall into one communication style but, like most people, have a combination of styles. You may also prefer one style of communication for one situation and a different one for another situation.
The aim is not to standardise the way you communicate – it’s more about keeping your current communication style and adjusting to other styles of communication when necessary. Knowing that you have a different communication style from other people means that you can better understand any other differences between you, and adapt your communication style depending upon the situation.
Get on the same wavelength
A good way to start adapting your communication style is to be more aware of someone else’s. During a conversation, try to match something about the other person’s body language and verbal style. Don’t do everything they do (too weird!), but mirror just one thing.
For example, if the person gives mostly short answers to questions, ask shorter questions. Or, maybe they talk at a slower pace than you usually do. Slow your speaking speed to match theirs. This may sound overly simple, but it is a very effective way to become more aware of what and how other people communicate and get on the same wavelength.
Communication attitudes
As well as being predominantly extrovert or introvert and using different senses to help you communicate, you will have a communication attitude – a way of thinking and behaving which affects how you communicate.
Assertive communication
Being assertive means expressing honestly and appropriately your feelings, opinions and needs. Assertive communication involves the belief that you can choose whether or not to tell other people what you think, how you feel and what you believe.
When you are being assertive you invite other people’s views, even though they may be different from your own. You do not try to dominate others or involve yourself in criticism.
Aggressive communication
Aggressive communication also involves expressing your feelings, opinions and needs but in a way that threatens, dismisses or controls other people.
When you are aggressive you may feel you have to prove things and push a point. If you feel you are being treated badly you react with anger and hostility.
Rather than being honest and direct, aggressive communication often involves being rude, sarcastic and blaming.
Aggression is a one-way process – you say what you do and do not want but you do not listen to or take into consideration other people’s needs and feelings.
Passive communication
Passive communication does not involve expressing thoughts, feelings and needs; it means letting other people talk over you and tell you what is and what is not. Passive communication means that you do not say what you think or feel. You often go along with others, even when you do not agree with them. You prefer to stay quiet and agreeable, but your compliance is frequently misinterpreted, often leaving others uncertain of your thoughts and feelings so they ignore or disregard you.
It’s easy for other people to disrespect you.
Passive–aggressive communication
Passive–aggressive communication is an indirect and dishonest expression of feelings, opinions and needs. It is manipulative; you control situations and people without seeming to. Typically, this type of communication displays a passive resistance to cooperating with others.
Passive–aggressive communication often means suppressing anger and frustration and using a non-verbal way of expressing it – for example, giving others the silent treatment or dirty looks when you are unhappy with them. This does not, however, let others know what you are really feeling. Passive–aggressive communicators may also be in the habit of using sarcasm and other subtle communication devices to avoid confrontation or get out of doing certain tasks.
In this book, the emphasis is on assertive communication. Assertive communication brings together the key principles of excellent communication; a shared process and one that promotes confidence and empathy between people.
Barriers to communication
Whatever your communication style, ask yourself whether how you communicate brings you closer to people or distances you.
Differences in the way people communicate can present barriers that get in the way of effective communication.
Dr Stella Ting-Toomey is a professor of Human Communication Studies at California State University. She has identified three broad cultural differences that can hinder effective communication.
Cultures provide people with ways of thinking about and interpreting the world. We all see the world differently, and the same words can mean different things to different people.
This can be attributed to a difference in culture (ideas, beliefs and values) between people, not just from different countries but from different parts of a country. Different organisations, generations and so on also hold differing values, beliefs and ways of behaving and communicating. So, as well as individual communication styles, each of us belongs to one or more cultures that have their own specific cultural communication styles.
Language barriers
The same words can mean different things to different people even when they appear to speak the same language. But if the languages are also different, and need translating, the potential for misunderstandings increases.
One of the more disturbing memories of the Cold War was when, in 1959, the Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev said to the Americans at the United Nations: ‘We will bury you!’ This was taken to mean a threat of nuclear annihilation.
However, a more accurate interpretation of Khrushchev’s words would have been: ‘We will overtake you!’ – meaning economic superiority. It was not just the language barrier but the fear and suspicion that the West had of the Soviet Union that led to the more alarmist and sinister interpretation.
Cognitive differences
Different cultures have different frames of reference and different ways of thinking about the world. These different world views provide a context for new information, knowledge and ideas to be compared, assessed and used. Cognitive barriers are created when the way people’s thinking and reasoning give meaning to the world around them differs from another culture.
Behavioural differences
Each culture has its own ideas and beliefs about what is and is not appropriate behaviour, which affects verbal and non-verbal communication. This can be as simple as ‘rules’ about eye contact or how close you can stand to another person.
In some cultures, eye contact should be sporadic and people should stand at least three feet apart. In other cultures, eye contact may be considered disrespectful but it is acceptable to stand very close together.
Behaviour constraints can influence how much information one person gives another. In some cultures, discretion and restraint are important and it is considered correct to talk indirectly about an issue. In other cultures, people are more direct and say exactly what they mean.
Emotional differences
Different cultures have different ideas about the communication of feelings and emotions. Some cultures are generally open about their emotions, with hugs and kisses alternating with angry shouting and gesturing. They laugh and cry and are not afraid to show their anger, fear, frustration and other feelings. Other cultures strive to keep their emotions hidden and believe in communicating only the factual, objective aspects of a situation.
This can cause problems when people from different cultures communicate. One culture may think another is out of control emotionally. On the other hand, a culture that freely expresses its emotions and feelings might consider a more restrained culture to be uptight.
If the people involved are unaware of the potential for such cultural misunderstandings, they are even more likely to fall victim to them.
Personal barriers to communication
As well as cultural and personal communication styles, at any one time each of us may have personal difficulties which can create barriers to good communication. A range of negative emotions such as fear, anger, mistrust, jealousy, suspicion, distress, stress or anxiety can hinder communication and create misunderstandings. So can a lack confidence or feeling insecure or ignored. Discomfort caused, for example, by ill-health, pain, disability, sight impairment or hearing difficulties can also be a barrier.
Knowing about and wanting to understand differences and barriers is a key step towards more effective communication.