There is only one rule to become a good talker, learn how to listen.Author unknown
Have you ever wondered, ‘How am I going to explain this?’ or ‘What do I say next?’ or ‘Am I ever going to get a chance to say my bit?’
Polly has just been promoted to a supervisory role. ‘Most of the time, I talk too much. I don’t really think before I speak – I waffle on and use exaggerated gestures which some people find off-putting. I’m worried that I’m going to have difficulty explaining things clearly and concisely to the people in my new role at work.’
Rob panics when it comes to making small talk. ‘Whether it’s at a social occasion or trying to establish rapport with a client, either I don’t know what to say or I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing.’ (See the section on ‘How to make small talk’ in Chapter 7.)
Then there’s Joe. He is interested in other people and likes to get to know them better. He’s a good listener but, at work and in social situations, Joe often finds that he gets cornered by boring people. Joe doesn’t want to offend them because they’re harmless really. ‘How do you say “shut up” nicely?’ he wonders. (As in all good stories, the answer is at the end of this book.)
Lianne likes to keep conversations on track. If she’s interrupted, she’s likely to start again from the beginning. ‘I find it difficult to keep up in meetings when the subject switches from one idea to another.’
Finally, there’s Jim. Whether it’s his teenage daughters or a colleague, Jim finds that, too often, they either don’t understand or don’t do what he asked. ‘No matter how often I repeat myself, they still don’t get it.’
There are no hard and fast rules about how to talk to other people. But, whether you are making small talk at a party, trying to disengage yourself from a boring person, or you need to get your point across clearly, there is one key principle: you have to communicate in a way that makes it easy for other people to listen and to understand what you mean.
This can involve:
- being clear about what and why you want to say something
- being aware of not just what you say, but also how you say it
- being aware that your perspective may differ from other people’s
- understanding the other person’s perspective and situation
- asking and inviting questions and feedback.
Set up the listening. Prepare who you are talking to for what you want them to hear. Get people to listen as a possibility rather than a problem.Mal Pancoast
Let’s look in more detail at how to make it easier for others to listen and understand.
Being clear and direct: get results through assertive speaking
Communicate purposefully. First, think about the overall message that you want to convey. If you are making small talk at a party, for example, you want to convey that you are friendly, approachable and open to conversation. If you are explaining to someone how to do something, your aim is to enable them to do it for themselves.
Think before you speak. It’s perfectly acceptable to pause when it’s your turn in a conversation and give yourself a moment to organise your thoughts and think about what you want to say.
Sometimes, when it comes to the words you use, the exact wording is not important. At other times it’s crucial. For example, say ‘I need this by next week’ and the other person will assume any time next week is OK. Say exactly what you mean – ‘I need it on Monday morning’ – and you’re more likely to get exactly what you want.
If you’re not clear what your message is and you don’t use the right words, it’s all too easy for the other person to misinterpret what you say. And sometimes they’ll take advantage of your ambiguity and misunderstand deliberately!
Vagueness is all too common in any number of situations – between parents and their children, between friends and between people at work. How often do you use all sorts of indirect ways to let others know something? Hinting, implying, using sarcasm and rambling are all indirect ways to say something; they all hide the meaning of what you really want to say. The best way to make it easy for others to listen and understand is to be clear and direct about what you say and mean.
Say it in one
Hit the headline first. Think about the main point that you need to make. Put it in a sentence. Then elaborate, following the newsreader’s method of spelling out who, what, where, when and why.
For example, instead of saying, ‘There’s a meeting this afternoon; it seems that one of the managers is leaving. I bet they’ll restructure our department once she’s gone. Tim warned us that this might happen. We’ve got to meet at 2pm and John said that we must all go. I hope this doesn’t mean redundancies for any of us’ you could start with, ‘There’s a meeting today at 2pm and John said we must all go.’ (The ‘headline’.) Then, and only then, elaborate, in the same way that newsreaders do: ‘Tim warned us this might happen; that once the manager left, they could restructure our department. I hope it doesn’t mean redundancies.’
Being clear and direct has a number of benefits, including the following.
- Other people don’t have to second-guess what you really mean.
- Misunderstandings are avoided.
- It enables negotiation to take place.
- It saves time and effort.
Use positive language
What’s in a word? Words express ideas, opinions and feelings. Words convey ideas, information and direction. The words you choose reveal a lot about your attitudes and way of seeing the world. Your words have an impact on others.
Two people can express the same idea using different words, and those two messages will take on completely different connotations. Consider the following two sentences:
In one way, both sentences convey the same message. But, each sentence reveals a different attitude and will have a different effect or create a different impression on the listener.
Most of the time, you probably don’t stop to think about whether you frame your remarks in a positive way. This can be changed. Be more conscious (and conscientious) about the words you use. Here’s how to start.
Listen. You can learn a lot for free just by listening. Listen to people talk on the TV and radio. Listen out for negative words and phrases and try to think of positive alternatives. What difference could your chosen alternative words and phrases make?
Monitor your own speech. If you catch yourself using negative words and phrases, stop yourself, even mid-sentence, and rephrase what you want to say in more positive terms. For example, instead of saying, ‘Sorry to hassle you, but I’m wondering if you have made a decision yet?’ you could say, ‘I’m wondering if you’ve come to a decision yet?’
Think before you speak. Remember, it’s perfectly acceptable to pause and organise your thoughts so that you can phrase them in a positive way.
It’s not just your words that convey a message, it’s all of you. Use your body language to support, moderate and reinforce what you say and make sure your mannerisms don’t detract from what you’re saying.
How you say things
Be aware of the impact tone, pitch, emphasis and pace can have on what you say. Do you, for example, need to slow down? Maybe you’ve always been a fast speaker. Perhaps you speed up when you’re nervous, excited or stressed. Whatever the situation, slowing down will help you to think as you speak (your brain will be able to keep up with your mouth!) so that you can communicate clearly and positively. You’ll look and feel in control.
- Practise the pause. Often, the problem is not that you say the words too fast but that you fail to pause at the end of a sentence. People need a few seconds to process what has just been said.
- Use the beat method. Count two beats at the end of every sentence. For example, today is Monday (1, 2), tomorrow will be Tuesday (1, 2).
- Read with rhythm. Practise reading song lyrics or poetry. They have a natural rhythm with built-in pauses. Pause for a comma, and use a longer pause at the end of a verse.
- Write the word ‘pause’ or ‘breathe’ on a sticky note. Place the note on your computer or near the phone, to serve as a reminder.
- Ask for feedback. Tell other people you’re working on slowing your speech and would like to know if you are speaking slowly enough. Have a friend give you feedback when you start to speed up.
The listener’s perspective
So, you’re clear about what you want to say and how to say it. Now you need to shift your awareness to the listener. Don’t assume that, just because you are saying something clearly and concisely, they will understand what you mean. Consider their situation:
- What do they already know or not know about what you are talking about?
- What might their feelings, values or beliefs be?
- Is this a good time and place for them to listen to what you have to say?
Once you have thought about the answers to these questions, you are in a better position to start talking. However, although opening yourself to other people’s perspectives makes it easier to get your own message across, it does require imagination and effort on your part. You have to do most of the work; other people don’t always spell out what they’re really feeling. They do, however, give clues. Look for these clues. You have plenty to help you: what the other person says, how they say it, their body language, their actions and how they respond to what you say.
Be prepared to adapt your style when you’re talking to someone. This doesn’t mean that you can’t be yourself, but adapting your style makes it easier for other people to listen and to understand what you mean. Look at the example below.
Remember Polly, at the beginning of this chapter? Polly has just been promoted to a supervisory role. Most of the time I talk too much. I don’t really think before I speak – I waffle on and use exaggerated gestures which some people find off-putting. I’m worried that I’m going to have difficulty explaining things clearly and concisely to the people in my new role at work.’
Once Polly realised that she was predominantly an Active communicator, she understood how to adapt her style for her new role at work. She retained her friendly, enthusiastic approach, but she practised slowing down her speech, which gave her time to think and explain things more clearly and concisely to her colleagues. Polly also cut small talk to a minimum when speaking with colleagues who wanted to get straight to the point and discuss ideas and plans. She allowed herself more time to chat with others who enjoyed long conversations (whether they were work-related or not).
Finally, Polly toned down her approach with one particular colleague who was even more of an Active communicator than she was. Polly recognised that it’s not always the case that you communicate best with those who have the same communication style as yours. Sometimes similar communication styles work well together, but other times they can create a clash!
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.Nelson Mandela
The right time to talk
Effective communication means not just knowing what you want to say and how to say it. Often, it can mean knowing when to say something.
Jacqui is a freelance magazine writer. Knowing when to pitch her feature ideas is crucial to getting them accepted. As a general rule, Mondays and Fridays are not the best days to propose new ideas. Editors start the week off with a sizeable workload in front of them and end the week winding everything up.
Annie has learnt that trying to talk about anything with her daughter Harley when she is getting ready to go out in the evening is never going to be successful. Having a chat over dinner or in the car when she’s driving Harley to football practice makes better sense. Annie discovered that it wasn’t that she and her daughter couldn’t communicate; it was just that Annie was choosing the wrong times to converse with her daughter.
Often, there really is a right and wrong time to talk about things. Waiting for the right time makes it more likely that the other person will listen to you and you will effectively get your message across.
This does not mean putting off important conversations. It means recognising that there are times when others are more open and receptive to listening and communicating. And, if you’re not sure, just ask, ‘Is this a good time to talk about …?’ It’s a win–win situation – you’ll both benefit.
Invite questions and feedback
Remember, communication is a two-way process. Sometimes you can tell if someone hasn’t understood you – not necessarily because they’ve told you, but from their facial expression. Other times, you can’t be certain.
Instead of rattling on, simply ask, ‘What do you think?’ or ‘How does that sound?’ This possibility never seems to occur to most people! Ask your partner, colleague, child or whoever you are talking to, ‘I’m not sure if I’m being clear, can you tell me what you understood/think I said?’
Asking questions is also useful when you think the other person isn’t listening to you. Simply ask them a direct question. Be kind; don’t try to catch them out (a favourite trick, I remember, of school teachers). Simply say, ‘What do you think?’ or ‘Would you agree?’ Then, when they look at you blankly, just repeat the question and add the topic you were talking about, ‘What do you think the government will do about the housing shortage?’ or ‘Would you agree that this restaurant serves the best chips ever?’
Remember, although there are no hard and fast rules about how to talk to and speak with other people, there is one key principle: make it easy for other people to listen and to understand what you mean. Communicate purposefully; take time to think before you speak. Be more aware of what you say, how you say it and when you say it.