The challenge of change

Most of us aren’t comfortable with change and tend to cling to the familiar. We’re creatures of habit. We want things to stay the same and we become attached to what’s familiar. Sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable even when we know they’re not good for us. Nowhere is this characteristic more apparent than in relationships. When a couple first declare their undying love for each other there’s an assumption – or at least a heartfelt hope – that it will last for ever and that come what may, they will always be there for each other. That’s why it can be so hard to come to terms with the fact that a relationship isn’t working or has come to an end. In fact, we often protect ourselves from such a painful realisation by staying in denial about how unhappy we are and may choose to stay in a loveless, dead-end relationship rather than risk rocking the boat and facing the unknown.

We very rarely arrive at the same conclusion at the same time about the state of our relationships. It can happen that two people simultaneously recognise that their relationship is failing and are both willing to talk about their feelings and reconcile themselves to the fact that they’ve outgrown each other and then move on. A more common scenario is that the person who initiates the break up acknowledges that they have been unhappy for a while and eventually plucks up the courage to confront the situation with their partner.

When one person ends a relationship their partner can react in a number of ways. Much like the grieving process after a bereavement, these different and complex emotions can come in waves and range from denial, hurt, shock, anger, confusion, depression, resignation, sadness, panic, bewilderment to despair. If you don’t feel ready or equipped to deal with a break up, you may be willing to do anything to save the situation. Anything rather than face the pain and humiliation of being rejected, left and alone.

So often the person being left insists that they never saw the break up coming, that they thought that any issues had been resolved or that they were getting along fine. There might have been disagreements and attempts to work harder at the relationship, but it can still come as a shock when you are faced with the stark reality that your relationship is over. But in truth, a happy and successful relationship requires both people to be fulfilled and content. When one person doesn’t feel that way, no matter how much the other person tries to turn a blind eye, they too will be unhappy deep down and know on some level that the relationship isn’t working. It may appear that the break up came out of the blue but that’s almost always because one person is in denial about the state of play between them and their partner. It’s as if each person has been in a different relationship.

Fear is a natural part of breaking up

Each of us has different values and approaches to life and relationships and we all have varying pain thresholds. Some of us can tolerate years of unhappiness if we have low self-esteem and don’t feel we deserve a better relationship. Others may feel obliged to keep working at the relationship once a commitment is made. This can come from an overdeveloped sense of duty and responsibility as well as a strong investment in the status quo. Fear also plays its part – our attachments go very deep and the separation anxiety that we experience at the prospect of a relationship ending can be crippling. Our very survival can feel at stake and although our rational selves know that we aren’t literally going to die if our partner leaves us or the relationship breaks up, on an emotional level it can feel as if our lives are over and that there is nothing else beyond the pain we are feeling.

Relationships break up for different reasons

We meet someone we are deeply attracted to and we fall in love. That’s the easy part. Intimate relationships bring out the best and the worst in us and challenge us in ways that other relationships don’t. They can make us feel on top of the world and they can also make us feel excruciatingly vulnerable. There are no guarantees about how our relationships will end up. Sometimes we stay together and sometimes we move apart. Couples who are a good match and commit to keeping their relationship alive and making it work will learn to resolve their differences, survive the low points and develop confidence in the value of their relationship. This creates a strong bond and enables the partnership to grow and flourish. If, however, the partnership isn’t able to develop in this way, the bond weakens over time and becomes more based on habit than on love. Whatever the circumstances, when two people are no longer speaking the same language they begin to see the relationship – and each other – from very different perspectives. When we have been with a partner for a long time our relationship becomes a given part of our lives so we never really stop to ask – is this the sort of relationship that I’ve always wanted?

Acknowledge your part in the break up

Tom and Jasmine had been together for a few years and although their relationship worked for a while, increasingly they had become less communicative and more distant from each other. Tom’s expectations were relatively low and he didn’t think that he was unhappy. Jasmine, on the other hand was aware that she wanted more from a relationship and that she and Tom had drifted apart because they were fundamentally incompatible. Tom felt very threatened by Jasmine’s desire to leave their relationship and in their joint coaching session he expressed anger and resentment towards her.

Jasmine did end the relationship and start a new life and Tom decided to have some individual sessions to help him get some perspective and clarity on where he found himself. As he began to take responsibility for his part in the break up and realised that he hadn’t been happy either, he became less angry towards Jasmine and more understanding of why things hadn’t worked out between them. Ultimately this enabled him to gain a deeper awareness of his relationship patterns and create a much happier relationship with someone else.

Make sense of what has happened

Focusing on a bleak future which may never happen disempowers you and doesn’t help you to deal with the here and now. There’s no quick fix for the heartache of a break up and for a while at least, you will need to be very kind and compassionate with yourself as you adjust to your new situation and make sense of what has happened. This means taking it slowly, breathing deeply and reminding yourself that no matter how low your self-esteem might be right now, you are still a lovable and amazing person. Nothing can change that. And when you hold on to that reality and find the courage and good grace to be open and courageous in how you respond to your break up, your future will begin to look a lot brighter.

It’s natural to want to find solutions to problems and this may be the first reaction you have to a break up. It’s important at this stage to be willing to get a sense of what has happened without trying to fix anything. Really listen to your partner – hear what is being said. Engage with them even if you find it hard to hear what they have to say. Find out how long they have felt that way and what prompted their decision. Reflect back to them your understanding of what they have said so that you can start to clarify in your own mind where you find yourselves. When you are willing to listen to your partner they are more likely to be open to hear how you’re feeling and in that way you can open up a constructive dialogue. Good communication depends on both parties being willing to be open and honest. If this isn’t the case and one person wants to raise issues while the other wants to keep a lid on things, the problems become more and more ingrained.

If you still cannot understand why your relationship has ended/is ending, try this exercise of looking back with a renewed perspective.

• If you were really honest with yourself, what part did you play in the break up of your relationship?
• When did you notice that things started to go wrong?

Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side of the paper write ‘My responsibility’ and on the other side write ‘My partner’s responsibility’. Start with your partner and list all the ways in which you believe they contributed to the break up. Notice how you’re feeling and breathe through any difficult feelings. Next list your contributing factors for the break up.

This can be a challenging exercise, especially if you don’t recognise how you played your part or you are intent on blaming your partner. It’s impossible to be objective but as much as possible, try to detach from any strong emotion and just write everything you can think of. The clearer your perspective is, the more easily you will be able to reconcile yourself with what happened and move on with your life. Be kind and patient with yourself.

Accept your part but don’t blame yourself

When emotions are running high it’s impossible to communicate clearly. Wait until you and your partner are feeling calmer before you agree to talk about your break up. Take it in turns to speak and really listen to your partner and try to accept that his or her feelings are valid. It might initially be comforting to think it’s not your fault and that either circumstances or the other person is to blame, but in the long term, playing victim makes it hard to learn from your experience, grow, move on and find someone new. If you feel hard done by in your relationship and the way that it ended, this leaves you vulnerable to repeating a pattern.

It’s easy to get into blame when a relationship breaks up. Sometimes one party has clearly crossed a line and this may well have contributed to the demise of your relationship. Or perhaps you were the one who behaved badly and you reproach yourself for that. Ultimately, both of you will have played a part in how you conducted your relationship and how it turns out. Even when it appears as if one party is the villain of the piece, the other person will have colluded in some way with their behaviour.

Taking responsibility for your part in the relationship doesn’t mean going into self-blame. It means being honest with yourself and seeing how you contributed to the way in which your relationship unfolded. Of course you may decide that if you had a second chance you would do certain things differently. There are always lessons to be learned. These lessons, and the awareness that you gain about yourself and your relationship dynamic will almost certainly inform the way you go into the next relationship and give you a clearer perspective on what you do and don’t want next time. But resist the temptation to feel bad about yourself. When you feel bad about yourself you replay the same old scenarios in your head. For instance, you may replay wonderful moments that you had together and convince yourself that you did something wrong to make those wonderful moments stop happening. This leads to going over mistakes that you believe you made and devaluing yourself with negative beliefs like, ‘If only I’d … this wouldn’t have happened and we’d still be together’. You think about what you could have said or should have done and all this does is make you feel worse than you’re already feeling. If you start to undermine yourself in this way when you go over what happened in your relationship, make a conscious decision to not berate yourself or make your anger and disappointment all about what your partner did or didn’t do. Instead, take a step back and consider the following questions.

Without blaming yourself or your partner, be as honest as you can and ask yourself:

• What have you done or not done that has contributed to the outcome?
• If you could do it all again, what would you do differently?
• Are any of your partner’s complaints justified? If so, which ones?
• Were any of your expectations of your partner and the relationship unrealistic? If so, which ones?
• What can you learn from your experience? In which way does this learning enable you to grow in self-awareness, heal and move on?

Keep a journal

Often, when faced with a challenge we discover resources and strengths that we didn’t know we had. However, sometimes our situation seems so bleak that our coping mechanisms are overwhelmed. When that happens, we go into catastrophic thinking and imagine the worst. We lose sight of the fact that we are intelligent and resourceful and that when push comes to shove we can find the wherewithal to deal with our situation, no matter how distressing it feels. When you feel yourself being overwhelmed by sadness, pain or negativity, try committing those feelings to paper. Keeping a journal can be very cathartic and therapeutic and a wonderful way to connect with and understand your emotions. It will also help you communicate better with your partner when you are discussing your break up.

Either in your journal or on a separate piece of paper, complete the following sentence and write down all the implications. Give yourself free rein and allow all your feelings and thoughts to surface.

‘If my partner and I split up …’

If this feels too hard to do or if you feel that you need support around your break up, you might want to see a counsellor or a therapist or choose a confidante who is caring and empathetic and willing to act as a sounding board.

It’s hard to fathom the exact reasons for a break up and find out what’s underneath the growing apart and incompatibility. Here are some of the most common:

• betrayal of trust – secrets, infidelity and lies all severely undermine a relationship. Not all betrayals are of a romantic nature but once they occur, it can be very hard to forgive and trust again;
• children leave home and without the glue and distraction of looking after them, couples realise that there is nothing else holding them together;
• one partner may want children and the other doesn’t;
• debt;
• drinking and drugs;
• jealousy;
• irritating habits;
• moodiness.

There can be other factors involved in driving two people apart. Any kind of life crisis can prompt us to review our lives and realise that our relationship has reached an impasse. We may suddenly feel a compelling sense that life is short and this can precipitate a powerful desire to take control of our lives and make significant changes. The catalyst for this could be a death, boredom at work or a growing sense that something fundamental is wrong. This realisation can have the effect of turning lives upside down and if both partners aren’t in tune with these changes it can create a gulf between them.

It can be very threatening for one person to feel that their partner wants to make a big life change. What’s at the root of this concern is often the fear that they will be left behind. Trying to hold someone back from growing and going his or her own way only delays the inevitable and makes it more difficult to deal with. Letting go is one of the hardest things we can do and involves a huge amount of trust. And yet there are times when we have no other choice and we simply have to trust that if the end of the relationship is right for one person, on some level it is right for both of you.

Can your relationship be saved?

Sometimes a break up is a fait accompli and there is no room for negotiation or discussion. Before reaching that stage, it can be helpful for both partners to take another look at their relationship to see whether it can be saved. Even if it proves to be a lost cause, this process can make the eventual split more of a joint decision. Depending on how you are both feeling, you may choose to do this together or with a relationship counsellor. Once you begin to process the impact of the potential break up, you might be surprised to discover that the reasons for the relationship breaking down are more complex than imagined. As you reflect on how you got to this point you may gradually be willing to finally face the problems and recognise where you are. Although it’s natural to wonder whether there is any possibility of saving the relationship and still have a future together, it’s important to be realistic and not harbour any false hopes. Fighting a losing battle is demoralising, draining and only prolongs the agony. It takes courage to honestly assess whether your relationship has truly run its course and a lot of goodwill and trust for you to work together in this way.

Have a look at the checklist below and see how many of the statements are true for you. This will help you get a clearer perspective on your relationship.

• It’s very difficult to show love and affection.
• We rarely – if ever – have sex.
• A lot of our communication involves put downs, name calling and cold, dismissive or aggressive body language (arms folded, deep sighs, eye rolling and turning away).
• We no longer look forward to being together.
• We avoid any kind of emotional intimacy.
• There is no shared humour.
• One of us/both of us feel angry, resentful and upset a lot of the time.
• Any attempt to discuss problems turns into blaming, arguments and going into defence.
• The relationship feels disempowering.
• One of us/both of us are often hostile, detached or simply reluctant to engage with each other.
• We’re not able to communicate without things being misinterpreted.
• One of us/both of us has changed. It doesn’t feel like I’m with the person that I fell in love with.

If you ticked more than four statements, your relationship is clearly not working. When we’re angry and disappointed, it’s easy to take our unhappiness out on each other and this behaviour leads to a downward spiral with both partners feeling justified in their recriminations. Ultimately, it takes two to make a relationship work and if there isn’t enough goodwill, trust and desire to work together it can’t be repaired. Being willing to accept the reality of your situation and reaching an understanding of why your relationship has come unstuck is empowering and ultimately liberating. It enables you to see what needs to change and either save the relationship or move on and make a better relationship next time.

It takes two to make a relationship and it can’t be repaired if there isn’t enough goodwill, trust and desire to make it work.

Choose to see change as positive

When we’re under stress – like at times of change – our brain operates differently. We go into survival mode and this means that we’re less able to be cool, calm and collected and think things through. Even though a part of our brain interprets change as potentially threatening, the reality is that change is neither intrinsically good nor bad. It depends on our attitude. The stress of a break up means that you’re more likely to see all the negatives about your situation. Even if deep down, some part of you is secretly relieved – especially if you have instigated the break up – there will also be some other strong emotions connected to the end of your relationship. Even the most mutual of splits can still bring up painful emotions which take time to process. If you can’t see any immediate benefits to splitting up, try looking a bit further into the future and ask yourself how it might look when you’re over the shock and disappointment and your life is starting to open up again. Secondly, ask yourself what would happen if things didn’t change. What is the downside of staying where you are? And what is the pay off? However despondent you are feeling, remember that you are breaking free from a relationship that for whatever reason, wasn’t working. And that freedom will enable you to recreate your life and give you a chance to find happiness with someone else.

When you’re in the throes of a break up it’s easy to give in to self-defeating patterns. We can often neglect ourselves when we’re in pain and forget to keep nurturing and nourishing ourselves with kindness, compassion, positive thoughts and healthy choices around food and exercise. Finding ways to change your state and shift into a more positive state of mind is always available to you and it’s important that you find ways to relax, be in the moment, move and stay grounded.

Here are some ways to help you do that:

• Take deep breaths. When you’re oxygenated you feel more alive and energised. You also think more clearly.
• Drink lots of water. This will keep you hydrated and clear headed.
• Go for a long walk in a beautiful place. Moving your body and being in nature is uplifting and energising.
• Dig the garden. It feels good to be productive and do something therapeutic.
• Listen to uplifting music.
• Spend time with supportive friends who know only too well where you are.
• Do some de-cluttering and lighten your load. This might be a good time to pack up all your photos and relationship memorabilia as these reminders can really rub salt into the wound.
• Make a delicious meal or go to a great restaurant. There’s nothing like quality food to make us feel comforted and nurtured. Resist the temptation to fill up on junk food. Make an effort to eat well. Your body will be grateful to you and this will make you feel good about yourself.
• Read books that inspire you. Choose books about people who have led extraordinary lives or come through major challenges. See them as role models.
• Go somewhere you’ve never been before or a place you’ve always longed to visit. It will take you out of yourself and remind you that there’s a whole world out there.
• And remember, you have been through change before and come out the other side. Think back to times when you have successfully dealt with change and how much stronger and wiser you felt for it.

Reclaim yourself

When you’re no longer in a relationship you go from being a ‘we’ to having to start thinking of yourself as an ‘I’. This can be a hard adjustment to make but rather than seeing yourself as diminished in some way, think of it as reclaiming yourself and forging a new identity. There is so much more for you to discover about yourself so trust that this is the best time for you to embark on that journey. Remind yourself of all the things that you’re good at, that you enjoy and that you still want to do with your life. Pick one thing that you’ve always wanted to do and never got around to it and do it on your own. Enjoy the sense of accomplishment that this gives you and pledge to do something for yourself every week. This will help you to forge a stronger relationship with yourself and remind you of all your talents, skills and strengths.

Get off the roller coaster

However you get there, there comes a point when splitting up is the best or the only option. Some couples will resign themselves to this reality while others will continue to fight over who did what. This creates a huge amount of stress and emotional angst and never resolves anything. The best way to eliminate this is to stop reacting to your partner and start responding in a more detached and neutral way. This isn’t always easy when you’re feeling a toxic mix of emotions but it will ultimately help you to get clear about where you are and what needs to happen. Keep your communication clear, take responsibility for your part and stick to the facts. For example, ‘I don’t think our relationship is working and I know that is partly my responsibility’ or ‘I feel that it’s time for us to go our separate ways’, is far less emotive than ‘I’m disappointed that you haven’t met my expectations, I don’t love you any more and I want out’. If you feel lost for words and don’t know how to communicate to your partner how you are feeling, write it down. This will help you to sort out your feelings and enable you to discuss them more clearly with your partner. Use this opportunity to re-examine your relationship and be certain about your choice. If you need to know where you stand legally and financially, visit your local citizen’s advice bureau or a solicitor.

Put some distance between you once you’ve decided to break up

Sometimes, it can appear to be kinder to let your partner down gently and give the impression that although your relationship isn’t working any more, maybe someday in the future you might get back together. This will only give your partner false hopes for a future with you and delay their ability to come to terms with the break up and move on. The attachment between you can still feel very sticky at this stage and although it’s tempting to slowly wean yourselves off the relationship and still spend time together talking and going over what happened, once it is really obvious that you are breaking up it’s more helpful to go cold turkey. If you have children or have a house together, you will need to keep communicating but keep your communication brief and polite and do your best to co-operate.

Don’t try to be friends too soon, as this is hard to pull off. It’s a big leap from lover to friend and it’s impossible to make the transition overnight. Even if you can’t imagine not having any contact with your ex, it’s essential to give yourselves some space. Everyone’s situation is unique but your goal should be to impose some physical – and emotional – distance between you as this will accelerate your recovery. Not seeing each other will also help you take control and get some perspective on your break up. It’s so easy to have selective amnesia at this stage, romanticise the relationship and remember only the good things. But it’s important to get a balanced perspective and look at the problems that you had and how – and why – the relationship deteriorated over time.

Try completing the following sentences and see what comes up for you. Keep writing if thoughts and feelings come pouring out.

• Putting some distance between us is going to …
• When I focus on all the good things about the relationship it makes me feel …
• When I recognise that the relationship wasn’t perfect and that it really is over I feel …
• When I maintain my own space and focus on what’s best for me I …
• Even when I’m feeling my worst, I know that …

If you’ve still got strong feelings for your ex it will be very tempting to want to stay in touch. For a while at least, there can be a strong need for contact even though you know that it wouldn’t resolve anything or make you feel any better. In fact, it will almost certainly make you feel a lot worse. Nevertheless, the withdrawal symptoms can feel acute when we suddenly no longer have that person who we cared about in our lives. And this can sometimes lead to compulsive behaviour where we find ourselves going to a place where we know our ex might be, meeting up with mutual friends or worse, calling or leaving messages or driving past where they live to see whether they’re at home. None of these activities empower you or help you to focus on moving forwards and they will inevitably make you feel bad about yourself. So each time you feel the need to act out a negative impulse or find yourself obsessing about your ex, remind yourself that it is not in your best interests and choose to do something that you know will make you really feel good.

Next time you feel the need to check up on your ex or indulge in obsessive behaviour, stop and ask yourself:

• What is the pay off here?
• How does this behaviour really make me feel and what is the outcome?

Remember that these distractions are holding you back from reaching acceptance, healing and moving on. Make a conscious effort to focus on your life and your best choices. Forget your ex and do something nice for you.

Manage the day to day

Commit to doing things that keep you in the present and resist the temptation to read old love letters or play songs that you listened to together. Take the best care of yourself and put yourself in a position where you are doing everything to get through this challenging time with both your dignity and your sense of self intact. By focusing on you in a positive way and giving yourself some space you are effectively giving yourself a gift.

Projecting too far into the future and allowing yourself to be overwhelmed by the prospect of what might happen to you can be scary, so try breaking the future down into manageable chunks. Bring your focus more to the present and concentrate on the day ahead and getting through the next few weeks. Instead of becoming despondent at the prospect of empty weekends or nights alone, make arrangements to do things and don’t think too far ahead. If you do want to focus on the future, think about all the positive things that you’d like to manifest and begin to make that your reality. Make sure you have at least one friend who will act as a sounding board and help you keep grounded. Focus on your things that you can change and be willing to learn about yourself. Avoid over-analysing as this creates a vicious cycle and makes you feel bad about yourself and your partner.

The ability to find the positives will help you move more quickly to acceptance and letting go. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine so rent some funny films and spend time with friends who have a good sense of humour.

There is light at the end of the tunnel

A break up invariably acts as a wake up call to look at yourself and make new choices about your life. Whereas before you might have been coasting along, not questioning the state of play or burying your head in the sand, suddenly everything is up for review. We cannot change what’s happened so be willing to let go and forgive. With forgiveness you don’t get bogged down with guilt and can move on to solving the problem. When reflecting on the relationship, make sure that you’re not putting any emphasis on negative thoughts. Let go of any guilt which has a toxic effect on your mind and your body. It takes real courage to face up to what has gone wrong in your relationship and recognise that it’s time to move on. You may well decide that you would have behaved differently if you had another chance. But don’t waste time regretting or lamenting the past. Learn from the experience and vow to make a commitment to your own happiness and well-being.

Taking responsibility for your happiness is a big part of moving on and recognising what needs to change. It takes practice and courage to be your own person, especially when you’re feeling heartbroken. And you might need to push yourself a little to adjust to your new situation. Always resist the temptation to castigate yourself because you think you didn’t give enough or gave too much, stayed too long or gave up too quickly. It’s out of challenging times that we can really find out what we’re made of and take our power. Sometimes we need to be alone to learn those lessons, and sometimes we need to be part of a couple. Only you will know what’s right for you and what life is asking of you. Trust the process and the journey and take it one day at a time. This too will pass.

Breaking up can be one of the most painful experiences and it takes time to come to terms with the ending of a relationship. Paradoxically, break ups can also offer us the potential to discover what we are made of, let go of limiting patterns and realise that we deserve more love and happiness than we realised. When we let go and move on we give ourselves the chance to find both ourselves and a better relationship.

If you are going through a break up or you and your partner have already split up, commit to understanding your part and how best to resolve your differences. Be willing to listen and learn and achieve the best outcome for both of you.