Why do we communicate the way we do?

The level of fulfilment or frustration that exists between you and others will to a large extent depend on:

• how easily and openly you are able to express yourselves;
• how well you listen to each other;
• how willing you are to bridge any differences between you.

For all kinds of reasons, our ability or willingness to perform these deceptively simple tasks is often lacking. That’s because we don’t always trust ourselves to say what we think or feel. We often doubt ourselves and lack the confidence to say what’s really going on for us. Equally, if we didn’t experience good communication growing up, we can be mistrustful of others and not feel safe enough to reveal ourselves to them. This can be expressed as narcissistic tendencies in which we aren’t able to relate well and are more focused on ourselves than the other person.

In part, our way of relating and communicating is a reflection of our personality. Some of us are natural extroverts and confidently believe in always being open and honest. And some of us are more introverted, reserved and cautious in how we communicate. Many of us have a complex mix of being open in some situations and closed in others. But no matter what mould you seem to be set in, the good news is that you can transform the way in which you communicate and dramatically enhance the level of connection and rapport in your relationships.

A powerful influence in the way in which we communicate comes from our early experiences. In particular, the way in which our parents communicated with us – and each other – will have had a strong influence on our approach to communication and either helped or hindered us to find our own voice. For example, if you are inherently forthright with a tendency to speak your mind and this was encouraged in your childhood, you will almost certainly feel comfortable being open and expressing your natural style. But if you were reprimanded or criticised for your directness, you may have lost the confidence and trust in yourself to speak your truth. Hand in hand with this comes an expectation that others won’t be interested in what you have to say.

You may not be conscious of how these early patterns operate or how they impact on the way in which you engage in your adult relationships. But you can be sure that they do. So what happens when you lose the confidence to communicate what you’re really thinking and how you’re really feeling? When you hold back from communicating openly and honestly and mask your true thoughts and feelings, you deny yourself the opportunity of having a real and authentic dialogue. And when two people are pretending to be something they’re not, it will be impossible for them to feel loved and appreciated for who they are.

So, how do you build the confidence to express yourself authentically and trust that your partner will hear what you’re saying?

Engage with your partner and create an authentic connection

Jonathan grew up in a large family. He was the youngest of four children and all his siblings had strong and assertive personalities. Neither of Jonathan’s parents had a lot of time for him; his father was often away on business and his mother was too busy to give Jonathan the attention that he needed. Jonathan never felt that he could speak up for what he wanted and so he learned to keep quiet and not make any trouble. In his adult relationships Jonathan re-enacted his childhood pattern. He attracted women who were emotionally distant and who never really seemed that interested in him. As a result, he remained closed and uncommunicative. The one time that he did meet someone who showed an interest in him, she complained that he wasn’t demonstrative and didn’t allow himself to share his thoughts and feelings.

After I’d been working with Jonathan for a few sessions his true personality began to emerge. His warmth, humour and intelligence were just a few of the highly engaging qualities that he had never expressed. Gradually he learned to value these qualities in himself. And as Jonathan grew in self-confidence, he dared to show more and more of himself and share his innermost thoughts and feelings. He had become a great communicator! And within a year he had formed a strong and happy relationship.

Active listening

The fact that we have two ears and one mouth may say something about the importance of listening. The Chinese pictogram of the verb ‘to listen’ is made up of five parts. It translates as ‘I give you my ears, my eyes, my undivided attention and my heart’.

How often have you felt that you weren’t being listened to? Or maybe you’re the one who has been accused of not listening. Without realising it, we often absent ourselves when in conversation with others and don’t give our full attention to what the other person is saying. There are many reasons for distracting ourselves or switching off from what our partner is saying. We may:

• be preoccupied with our own thoughts and thinking about what we want to say next;
• be resistant to what we are hearing and react by interrupting or feeling angry or upset;
• shut down as a way of protecting ourselves from feeling any pain;
• simply not be interested.

Whatever the reason, not listening can be incredibly hurtful and damaging to a relationship. If we’re not feeling listened to, we don’t feel valued and acknowledged. Understandably, this can make us feel upset and angry and lead to a sense of disconnection and alienation from the very person we want to feel close to.

Active listening is a very powerful way of communicating. When you engage in active listening, you can dramatically improve the quality of communication between you and your partner. In active listening you:

• give your complete focus to what the other person is saying;
• listen to what the other person has to say with an open mind;
• let the other person finish before you start talking;
• maintain eye contact;
• demonstrate open and relaxed body language;
• reflect back what you have heard so that there are no misunderstandings;
• keep your emotions under control;
• don’t interrupt or jump to conclusions;
• look for the feelings or intent behind the words.

When you actively listen to someone and give them your undivided attention, they will feel acknowledged and valued. This will dramatically improve the communication between you.

When you actively listen to your partner they in turn will have more attention available for you. This opens up the possibility of a real and respectful exchange in which you give each other permission to express your feelings, thoughts, needs and position. Active listening doesn’t mean that you always agree with each other. It simply means that you understand – or ask for clarification if you don’t – and acknowledge what your partner is saying. Active listening also helps you to create empathy and come to an agreement. You are much more likely to be receptive to what the other person is saying if you feel you have been heard and acknowledged. Active listening can also defuse a potentially explosive situation and enable you to find a constructive solution. It’s unrealistic to think that we will always have a straightforward, engaging conversation in which we agree with each other all the time. If, however, you express what you want or feel while respecting the needs and different perspectives of the other person you will create the basis for a strong and supportive relationship.

Next time you have a conversation, monitor how actively you are listening.

• Are you giving this person your undivided attention?
• If not, what is preventing you from doing so?
• Is this a pattern that you recognise?
• What feelings are coming up for you?
• Is there a difference in the way you and the other person relate to each other when you are both actively listening? If so, what is it?

At first you will need to make a conscious effort to monitor how actively you are listening, but in time this will become second nature. The more you practise active listening, the better your communication will be. And the more fulfilling your relationships will become.

What messages are you giving out?

It’s not always your partner’s words that you need to be able to tune into and receive. We’re also receiving a lot of cues and information non-verbally. A warm embrace can say more than a thousand words. Smiling and affectionate touching communicates our positive feelings and have a reassuring and uplifting effect. The tone of voice that you adopt is also a strong indicator of how you are treating each other. Depending on your mood and temperament, this can vary from cold, angry, hostile, dictatorial and submissive to loving, kind, warm and soothing. You can literally change the quality of your interaction by changing the tone of voice in your communication.

Your tone of voice and your body language give vital clues about how you’re really feeling. If you are expressing what’s really true for you, your non-verbal communication and your words will match. But sometimes our words and our tone of voice don’t match. For example, how many times have you or your partner said you’re fine or that something doesn’t matter but the tone of your voice, your facial expression and your body language have belied your words? Your body and words should say the same thing. When your words and feelings aren’t congruent, you are in conflict with yourself and, consequently, you will give out a mixed message.

If you find yourself saying one thing but feeling another, ask yourself the following questions:

• Am I reluctant/afraid to tell the truth?
• What do I imagine will happen if I do?
• What happens when I don’t express how I really feel/what I really think?
• What am I avoiding by withholding my true thoughts/feelings?
• Am I in a relationship with someone who encourages me to express myself?
• Am I with someone who doesn’t give me the space to be me?
• What do I need in order to be open about myself?

Question your assumptions

Without realising it, we often make quite a few assumptions about people when we first meet them. Even when you are sitting opposite a total stranger you will probably be assuming things about them, such as their age, social class and characteristics, without asking any questions. How many times have you been to a party, been introduced to someone and assumed certain things about them because of the way they dressed or spoke, only to discover that they didn’t match your assumption of them at all? Or how often have you wrongly assumed something about your partner? When we make blanket assumptions they can:

• cloud our response to someone;
• reflect and reinforce our prejudices;
• lead us to misjudge people and situations;
• block us from getting to know and forming relationships with new people;
• stop us being open and curious;
• make us complacent or rigid;
• prevent us from developing as people;
• prevent our relationship from growing.

When you question your assumptions, you become more open and curious, and this enhances the quality and scope of your communication. Rather than thinking that you know all about someone, you begin to discover that there’s much more to this person than you realised.

Keep noticing whether you are making any assumptions about your partner or someone that you meet for the first time. Get curious. Be willing to be surprised. Go beyond your assumptions and see what opens up.

If you have been in a relationship for a long time and got stuck in a rut with your partner, it will take time to discover all your assumptions about each other. Write a list of all the things that you assume about your partner. Are they really true? What assumptions do you think your partner has made about you? How do these affect the way in which you communicate? Commit to re-evaluating each assumption and notice what happens.

See conflict as a way to transform your relationship

Sooner or later we all get into conflict with our partners. This can be over simple decisions like who puts the rubbish out to more serious questions regarding our needs and what’s important to us as individuals. Avoiding conflict doesn’t resolve anything. In fact it is more likely to exacerbate the problem. Conflict, properly handled, can be a tool for growth and greater awareness. We need conflict in order to define ourselves and our individuality and know what is important to us.

Any unresolved conflict that you experience in yourself will inevitably manifest in your relationships. For example, if you are ambivalent about being in a committed relationship but you haven’t owned up to it, this will undoubtedly get played out with your partner. For example, you might express your ambivalence by being away a lot on business or by overly asserting your independence. Or if you’re not conscious of your ambivalence, your partner might act it out for you and be partly unavailable in some way. Needless to say, this is likely to cause a certain amount of friction and unhappiness in your relationship. Becoming aware of our inner conflicts enables us to resolve the issues that we do battle over.

When you are confident about who you are and where you stand you will want to communicate assertively rather than submissively or aggressively. Being assertive doesn’t mean that you have to be loud but you do need to make yourself heard. If we allow the other person’s needs, opinions or judgements to become more important than our own, we may end up feeling hurt, angry and frustrated. It is therefore important to express yourself clearly and authentically and aim for a win–win outcome.

Think about any areas of conflict between you and your partner. Have you experienced similar conflicts in previous relationships? If so, then the common denominator is you. Spend some time listing the main areas of conflict in your relationships and ask yourself how these might reflect unresolved issues in you. Write down your thoughts and feelings.

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Step back and collect your thoughts

It’s not always easy to put words to feelings or express our thoughts clearly. Sometimes we feel inarticulate and blocked. When we can’t find the right words to express what we’re feeling we often end up feeling frustrated. If you are experiencing difficulty in voicing what’s going on inside you, take a few moments to collect your thoughts. You might even want to write them down in a journal or notebook. This will give them form and coherence and help you to express them more clearly.

Express your needs clearly

It can feel risky to express what you desire or need. But when you withhold this information you are in effect expecting your partner to be a mind reader. Although some people do naturally intuit the thoughts and feelings of their partner, most of us need to have these explained to us. If we really want our partner to respond to our needs, it’s important to state these clearly and specifically. If you are vague about what you want or you expect your partner always to know what you need, you set yourself up for disappointment. Not only that, but your partner may feel manipulated if your needs are expressed covertly. So be specific. ‘I wish I felt more loved’ or ‘I wish we could spend more time together’ aren’t direct enough to change anything. Here are some examples of expressing your needs more directly.

• ‘I need you to be more demonstrative with your feelings.’
• ‘I need us to spend more time together.’
• ‘I’d like you to call me if you’re going to be late.’

And remember, this is not about blame. It’s about being clear about what you want and expressing this openly. It’s also about resolving issues and changing habits or patterns that don’t support you or the relationship.

Don’t allow things to build up

Sometimes we adopt the belief that it’s better to keep the peace rather than express how we’re feeling. The problem with this strategy is that it’s usually a fear-based response to a situation that we are afraid to confront. For example, we might worry that by daring to speak our truth we’ll open up a can of worms or unleash a very strong reaction which we won’t be able to handle. However, the uncomfortable feelings that we try so hard to suppress don’t go away. They slowly fester and can gradually build to an intolerable level of anger and resentment. When this happens, you either end up expressing anger inappropriately or you are left with a profound sense of impotence. This not only has a hugely detrimental effect on your relationship, but also on your physical and emotional well-being.

State your grievances in the present

If you are unhappy about something that your partner has just said or done, try to address this at the time. When grievances accumulate, you’ll probably overreact when you do finally acknowledge how you’re feeling. Not only that, but when you bring up all the previous occasions in which your partner has annoyed or upset you, this will only serve to put your partner on the defensive. Instead, state in as clear and as honest a way as possible how you are feeling in the present moment and only deal with the current issue. Once you are able to resolve the current issue, you will create a more receptive space in which to discuss any past grievances.

Healthy anger

We are often afraid of our own anger or of the anger of others. Anger can be destructive when acted out inappropriately, but when it is correctly expressed it can motivate and empower you. Rather than make you irrational, anger can actually make you think more clearly. If you are feeling angry, it’s important to avoid shaming or blaming your partner. However tempting it is to do this, especially if you feel wronged, starting a conversation with ‘You always/never…’ will almost certainly create more hostility between you and your partner. Rather than make your partner wrong, take responsibility for how you’re feeling and start your conversation with ‘I’. For example:

• ‘I feel very uncomfortable when you change the subject.’
• ‘I am feeling upset about the fact that you seem very distant at the moment.’
• ‘I’m hurt that you spoke disparagingly about me in front of our friends.’

It’s much easier to resolve any issues between you and your partner when each person owns their feelings. It’s also important to recognise the part that you each play in creating the situation you find yourselves in. When you are both willing to take responsibility for your feelings and the dynamic that exists between you, you have the ingredients for an honest and authentic relationship.

Next time your partner says or does something that has an impact on you, try the following. State clearly: ‘When you said/did that, I felt …’. Say this without reproach or expectation. Your partner simply listens without jumping in either to fix the situation or to defend themselves. Tell your partner what you need from them in that moment, and explore how that feels for both of you. Be willing to explore what has happened and reach an understanding of each other’s position – and, if necessary, a compromise.

Say how you really feel

Colin and Susannah had a close, loving relationship and had been together for four years when I met them. Susannah had recently started a high-powered job and was spending longer at work as a result. Colin worked from home and, although he understood that Susannah needed to work longer hours on occasion, he was beginning to resent the fact that he never knew what time she’d be home. At first, he repressed his feelings. Rather than express his frustration with Susannah’s erratic hours and constant exhaustion, he tried to be supportive. But his body language and his behaviour contradicted his words and told a different story. This annoyed Susannah and eventually the atmosphere between them became tense and hostile. When Susannah arrived home very late one evening Colin flew into a rage. Susannah was deeply hurt and upset by Colin’s reaction. They had reached an impasse and both felt upset and disappointed in each other.

But when we discussed their situation it became apparent that they wanted to find a solution. I suggested that they both be very clear in communicating their feelings and needs. Their drama could have been avoided if Colin had said right at the beginning how he really felt about what was happening. Although this may not have changed the commitment that Susannah had to proving herself at work, she acknowledged that she would have been more sympathetic to how Colin was feeling and this would have helped them to reach some kind of agreement or compromise. They agreed to communicate much more clearly and openly with each other and their relationship went from strength to strength as a result.

Be authentic

Being able to express yourself authentically and knowing that your partner is willing and able to do the same sets the foundation for a fulfilling relationship. This can only be achieved when you both have confidence and trust in yourselves, and feel secure enough to be open and honest. Communication then becomes a two-way process of openness, vulnerability and acceptance, through both words and body language. Make a commitment to yourself and your partner to express your thoughts and feelings rather than cover them up or disregard them. This may feel daunting at first, so start by simply stating your joint intention to communicate more clearly and bring any issues out into the open. Failing to mention what is really important to you or what is gnawing away at you doesn’t value you or the relationship. Being open and willing to share does.

Your shared goal also needs to include a commitment to respecting one another’s truth. At times it can be challenging to take on board what our partner really feels and thinks. And this can often be the make-or-break point in a relationship. Revealing all can force us to confront what isn’t working and what needs to change. However, when you both pledge to being truthful and respectful, your reward will be an authentic, loving, honest and respectful relationship.

Communication is a two-way process of openness, vulnerability, respect and acceptance.

However well intended we might be, we can all fall into the trap of not communicating clearly. When you commit to practising the optimum ways in which to communicate on a daily basis, you will transform your relationships. If you are willing to engage in an open and honest dialogue then you can create the foundation for a deeply fulfilling and life-enhancing connection with your partner.

Practise being open and sharing one thought or feeling with your partner on a daily basis. Use the techniques you have learned in this chapter to facilitate your interaction.