Love is the power within us that affirms and values another human being as he or she is.

Robert A. Johnson, Jungian analyst and author

Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but of looking together in the same direction.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, novelist

Being in love is a blissful, magical and irresistible experience. It satisfies our need for a special connection with another human being, which brings intimacy, closeness and unconditional love. And on another level, it touches our lives with something numinous and gives them meaning. We feel more whole, more fully who we are. The honeymoon phase is exciting because it has so much potential and this stimulates a desire in us to perpetuate the feeling of extraordinary happiness. As our relationship progresses, however, we begin to realise that along with bringing us so much joy, love will bring up our issues and open us up to our vulnerable places. Each new relationship and stage of relationship brings fresh challenges, and we need to draw on all of our resources to fully engage with these. One of the secrets to having a brilliant relationship is working through the challenges that arise and seeing them as opportunities for growing and learning. As daunting as they can feel at times, without conflicts, differences, issues and dilemmas we wouldn’t grow – either personally or in our relationships.

The obstacles that stand in the way of us creating a loving and committed relationship can be resolved. It’s not always easy, and it takes willingness and motivation to keep pushing through our barriers and defences. And it takes courage to withdraw our projections, own them and consciously assimilate them into our psyches. But the more we take responsibility for ourselves and our personal journeys, the more our relationships will benefit. After all, the best relationship we can ever achieve with another person is directly related to the relationship we achieve with ourselves. You can’t experience real joy and fulfilment in your relationship unless you recognise and honour your own intrinsic value. And when you believe that you’re truly worthy of a loving relationship and that you deserve to be happy, that’s what you will attract.

Relationships work when you know how to make them work. It takes time to learn to trust your feelings and to put into practice all the experience and awareness that you have acquired along the way. The more you are able to do that, the more you can focus on loving each other and living your lives together. When you are in a loving relationship you feel desire for each other, enthusiasm for each other and deep affection towards each other. You see your lives together as something precious and enjoyable, and feel happy and grateful for what you have together. You actively acknowledge the important contribution your partner makes to your happiness and how much their affection and support means to you. And you’re willing to do what it takes to heal any rifts that occur between you. You don’t allow resentments to last long without working them through. And you don’t withhold because of unexpressed anger from the past. You understand, accept and co-operate with each other and avoid being critical or judgemental. You endeavour to stay connected. Of course there will be ups and downs, and your relationship will inevitably go through periods of being distant or in conflict. And there will be plateau periods when not much is happening between you. But you will know how to reconnect and tap back into your closeness.

A thriving relationship enables you to exist in your own right and maintain your psychological integrity. The love, mutual support and acceptance that we give and receive in a loving relationship keeps it fresh and alive. And the affectionate and adoring feelings between you and your partner are sustained by your everyday activities with each other.

Remember to keep investing in your relationship by following these 10 principles.

1. Spend quality time with each other.
2. Be open and honest and don’t withhold from each other.
3. Surprise each other with flowers, romantic dinners, notes, gifts, etc.
4. Plan time together and weekends away.
5. Stay curious about each other and commit to a feeling of adventure and aliveness in your relationship.
6. Cultivate your goodwill towards your partner.
7. Work on clarifying your boundaries.
8. Improve your communication skills.
9. Focus on the positive aspects of the relationship.
10. Become more self-disclosing and intimate.

If you feel good about each other and your relationship, you will do most if not all of these naturally. If, however, your relationship has lost its spark and you are taking each other for granted or feeling distant from each other, any of the above will help you to reconnect.

Keep putting into practice everything you have learned about how to create a brilliant relationship and always remember that you deserve the very best.